Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction ❯ Echoing truth ❯ - five - ( Chapter 5 )

Echoing truth

by Stray

27.11.2004

Disclaimer: I do not own Hikaru no Go, or it's characters and make no money of it. (*Oh well... Still, damn!*) Anyhow... It's just for fun.

Warnings: depression, mature themes, slow progress of plot, still bad English, yaoi hints (for now)

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- Five -

Akira opened his eyes and tried to straighten out his blurry vision. It was hard; he felt like he did sleep only a few hours - or slept too much. His mind was foggy. He didn't remember how he ended up in a foreign bed or where exactly he was. That is until he turned his head and his eyes caught a mass of long, brown, shiny hair spilled out on the pillow next to his. The tresses covered the face beneath them but he recognized her instantly and his eyes closed in resignation.

So it wasn't an alcohol-induced hallucination, it really happened, he thought. He moved his sore limbs and noted immediately that he had nothing on. Of course if what he remembered took place it was logical that he was naked. They both - he corrected himself as she turned and nearly kicked down the sheet formerly covering her body. She wasn't awake yet though. He remembered that she had relatively more drinks like he had.

Not that what happened wouldn't have if they'd drank less last night. What happened was to what the whole night pointed to. Or, he realized, the whole past two weeks. Their relationship started to become tense with something - an anticipation of development that neither of them really wanted but felt strangely obliged to take on on the other's behalf. Till this time they haven't gotten physical past a few kisses and hugs. And even those felt strained and awkward after the moment passed. Akira wasn't bothered by this, he was never the touchy-feely type.

He also didn't think himself particularly susceptible to other people's emotional displays, but even he got the impression that they have gotten stuck on a level between 'a bit more that friendship' and 'the beginning of a real relationship'. A state that at the beginning felt natural and comfortable but it should have been a transitional time and it wasn't. It stretched far too long so it became troublesome. On their now regular dates Akira often found himself not knowing what he should do or say and caught her in similar situations of anxiety.

Then they got invited separately (he as a Go pro and she as the friend of Shindo Hikaru) to this party that was full with people who were professional Go players or their friends - people who knew them and were familiar with them. He thought Shindo was also amongst the invited so he was anticipating an opportunity to finally be able to speak with him. But he didn't show up at all and things took an entirety different turn that night.

Starting with the good-natured jokes of the other party-guests who of course knew that they were together since a while, and fully exploited the chance to tease them about it. They both felt awkward after some of the bolder suggestions so they sought privacy in a corner at a table for only two. They talked - even with those premises it was the most pleasant talk they had for weeks. After a few drinks and loosening up one of them - he didn't even remember which one - dropped a suggestion for more mundane activities that they took further hurling playful jokes at one another. And the idea turned into anticipation. It seemed a good occasion to take their relationship a step further.

Since the party took place at a hotel's bar, they just got a room for the night. A neutral place seemed to work best for their first time. Now he was glad for their mutual foresight. It would have been more awkward if he woke up in her apartment and downright awful if it had been his house.

Funny, how he couldn't detect any of those wonderful mind-blowing sparkles he should have feeling now according to what he heard every other day when he witnessed other people telling about their first night with their new significant ones. He just felt dull. When he thought about last night it just felt wrong.

He was aware at a certain level of it before but now he was fairly sure that he wasn't in love with her. Just like she didn't love him like that. They were both desperate for something so they let it happen, but what they had wasn't the real thing. They must have both sensed that, however they just kept up the appearance - maybe both hoping for things to grow out right. To wake up one morning at things miraculously have changed into a happily-ever-after. Realistically thinking that wasn't bound to happen, but who says lonely people's thoughts would be reasonable.

He noticed how her modes kept swapping randomly between hesitance and acceptance ever since that night in the restaurant. Sometimes she even initiated things - like last night that they get a room. But then she seemed to have changed her mind and stalled time like she needed a few more drinks to pull herself together to actually make use of it. When he had enough of her hesitance he offered to drive her home. That was when she took the offence for him to assume she wouldn't hold to her word. If he'd have a few drinks less he wouldn't have ever agreed to it after that, but at that point he too felt offended and just 'wanted to get over with it' - her words exactly.

The whole thing felt forced. No wonder he now felt awful. He didn't want to look into her eyes and could imagine fairly well how she is going to feel when she wakes up. The sex was good, but it was just that. Not what was supposed to be between two people, who loved each other. Just something he could have gotten from any other woman. And he felt worse because of that. Because he liked her very much in a way just not the right way. And what happened between them happened not because of the right reasons. And he thought she deserved more like that. Maybe he also thought he deserved more.

He didn't feel concerned, but of course he knew that Akari loved someone else. Before last night he didn't want to think about that too hard. After the night out in that restaurant when she told him about how she would feel like betraying 'Hikaru' he figured that she was still in love with him. If he'd have been in love with her, the realization must've been hurt more. But it didn't. Even after Akira knew for sure, he didn't feel the inclination to change that; he just accepted it like an emotional garbage every second person has to deal with. She didn't speak about her slip ever again. And he didn't ask.

He heard her stirring next to him and that yanked him out of his haywire thoughts.

Akari opened her eyes that widened at the same moment as she took in the sight of the unfamiliar hotel room, the rumpled, white linen and the lanky form of her lover of last night before her. Akira was leaning on his elbow staring at her or rather through her somewhere into the distance. Then his eyes focused on her face and she felt the urge to draw the sheet closer on her body. She felt herself blush and couldn't suppress the sigh and the accompanying word.

"God..." she breathed heavily as she hid her face behind her locks falling all over it as she bowed her head. She knew full well that it didn't sound like a "God! I'm so happy that we finally did it!" more like a "God! What have I done?" But she couldn't help but being disappointed with herself. If she could have read the thoughts of the man currently lying on her side, she would have agreed: she felt like shit. She was startled when he heard his voice from too close for her liking.

"My thoughts exactly." He said it more like an afterthought to a previously started conversation.

They didn't speak after that, she got up and used the in-suit bathroom, took a shower and got dressed. Then he did the same and they went down to the reception together. He paid for the room and then got his car and drove her home to her apartment. They spoke only two words as they said goodbye to each other not mentioning when they would meet next time or rather if they would. That was just fine with them both.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Akira went with his normal daily schedule of games, tutoring and receiving his study group at home for a week and he didn't hear anything about her. But he knew what he would say if she called - he didn't know why he didn't take the initiative and called her instead, it just seemed appropriate after all that happened. It was clear that last time they didn't part with pleasant feelings.

On the next Saturday at 10 in the morning heard the phone ring so he picked up the receiver and heard her voice. He felt fidgety though he tried to tell himself that he had no reason for that. He knew that their relationship had no future whatsoever. Surely she must have realized that too. In fact - he thought - she must have much sooner than he did.

"Akira?" she called after a considerable pause in that none of them spoke.

"I'm here," he told her absently. He couldn't help the swelling in his chest even if he knew with a certain finality what is about to happen soon.

"I just wanted to tell you..." her voice drifted off. He couldn't help but be annoyed with her hesitance. But he forced his voice to sound calm and collected over the line.

"Yes?" he asked for her to continue. For seconds he only heard soft whimpering noises from the phone and he waited with barely maintained patience.

"Look, I just wanted to tell you..." she stopped again but this time she was resolute and continued shortly after. "I cannot continue with this any longer. I'm sorry," her voice wore thin.

"It's all right," he answered taken aback at the actual calmness of his own voice. "I figured that much already. And I was going to tell you the same. Listen Akari, I really like to be with you but I consider you for a friend and nothing more." He was babbling. He didn't intend to tell her that much. He wanted her to be the one who says the parting words.

"Oh." she paused not knowing what to say suddenly. It all sounded so plausible and simple, albeit a little harsh. That was just Akira for you - she thought. He was annoyingly polite and smooth with strangers and got irritated and rude with people he actually liked. There was a time when she was at his 'polite' end, but not anymore. Did that mean that he really considered her a friend and not just a case of lost interest? That thought evoked a strange bitter-sweet warmth in her, but that wasn't the time to get lost in thoughts like that. "Right... You hit it right in on the head. So then..."

"I'm sorry..."

"Yeah, me too..."

The phone went busy after she put down. Akira sighed. He felt somehow liberated. But at the same time he felt bad. Maybe he just regretted what happened between them and that it ruined everything they had together. At the previous week he already missed her company. But he was fully aware that he didn't feel sorry for the missed chance to have a future relationship with her. It was better to stop now then regret later when the attachment involved one or two kids too, he thought in a poor attempt at humor, but he didn't find it amusing at all.

He felt an unfamiliar ache at the image of children and family. He always wanted to have one, like his father had. But he couldn't imagine Akari as his wife, the mother of his children. He wanted someone perfect. Someone he would never cease to love. Not a fat chance, seeing he didn't even begin to love her.

"I guess, I wasn't her type either," he said aloud. But he still wanted to keep her friendship - just how quirked is that, he thought. On a rare impulse he picked up the phone and dialed her number. After a few seconds he heard her distant voice that became kind of puzzled when she heard him answering. (He hoped she wasn't crying.)

"Akari, I just called to tell you, that I meant it. When I told you I would like you to remain a friend. Since I don't happen to have much of them. I still would like to meet you - as a friend. If you want, that is." He told her rapidly and then waited for her answer.

"Um... sure, why not?" Her voice was slow and hesitant. They both knew it isn't bloody going to happen. At least not for some time. "Well then..." "Bye." The last word they said simultaneously and then both put down the receiver.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

They were both surprised to run into each other the first day of the following week - just like they met the first time around. After that Akira didn't know why he had thought she wouldn't be still there after they parted - since she didn't move into another city or went working for another company. She just ceased to be his... girlfriend? Lover? He didn't even give a name to it.

Somehow they ended up in the nearby self-service restaurant that she was speaking about when they met the first time before the shop window. This time she had full twenty minutes before she had to go back to work - enough for a friendly chatter but not enough for her to think that he had other intentions. Neither of them wanted to talk about their failed relationship. It was funny how they ended up nonetheless speaking about it. Particularly about the ominous restaurant-incident when she brought up Shindo's name.

Well, it was Akira who asked first why she did that. He didn't intend to, it just slipped out somehow. And he was anxious because her mood fell noticeably. He was quick to apologize, but she just smiled and looked down on her food, playing with it.

"No, you're right. That was one reason why I wanted to break up. I'm sorry."

"No need to be." Akira answered on reflex. They sat there for a while in silence, listening to the chattering of cutlery and plates, attempting to keep up the appearance of actually eating.

"You know, I haven't seen him apart of a couple of times since we started to go out..." she told him out of the blue. "He avoids me. I don't want to fall out with him. Not even..." she didn't finish the sentence. She looked up at him suddenly aware how that must have sounded and apologized again.

"It's OK. Remember? Friends. You can tell me, if you want to," he said after a slight hesitation. She didn't seem like she did want and, frankly speaking, he wasn't so keen on hearing it, but it prickled his interest in a strange way. He didn't get the puzzle that was their attempt to a relationship and the curt end of it whole. Something was still missing from the general picture.

"He does it with me too. Avoiding me, I mean. Even after I let him know I wanted to speak with him," he told her after she didn't answer. It was the first time he connected that with the relationship issue. It wasn't prominent because his interest was renewed in him approximately at the same time but that may have been a possible reason for his reluctance in picking up their former convenient rivalry. And if true, that made the whole issue more incomprehensible and chaotic. Akari was in love with Shindo. But Shindo was gay; he shouldn't possibly reciprocating her feelings or should he? It just didn't make sense.

He was jolted out of his thoughts by her voice as she started speaking again.

"I'm sorry, I don't want to betray his confidence or hurt him. I've loved him ever since grade school. I was hoping it would go away eventually." Her voice was dull like she spoke about something that she realized a long time ago and resigned to the fact that in could not be changed. "I have to go," she stood up and looked down on him for a few seconds a sad smile still playing on her lips. "Was good to meet you."

Akira looked after her withdrawing form for a few seconds then gave up on the attempt of finishing his meal and left the restaurant.

TBC

A/N: Sorry Feely, this fic wasn't planned to be an Akira/Akari fic, even if I'm not making a difference here. Anyhow, thank you, for your review. I wish some other people would get a hint... Well I will continue, even if no one does, but it sure would help to get the next part out sooner. And for my other fic (Conserning him): the next (maybe last) part is half written now, I just don't want to end it like I originally planned, because some things still need to be explained.

And I'm still on the market for a Beta! (Maybe if I get some kick-butt I will write faster...)