Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction ❯ Facing the World Alone ❯ Living not to Live ( Chapter 9 )

Date posted:
Edited: Still looking for a Beta
Chapter Warnings: Angst. Darkness.
Rated: R (must be an ADULT to read)
Disclaimer: I do not own copyrights to Hikaru no Go. I also do not make a profit from this. My only payment is my own satisfaction and reviews. :P Facing the World Alone
By: Mira Watanabe :: Chapter Nine ::
Living not to Live   Time slipped and crawled. It slowly weaved a tapestry of ribbons and colors. Of shades of gray. When Life becomes meaningless, and when one still finds himself still walking through life, everything becomes those shades of gray. There is no color in such a world. No life, no living, and no joy.   It is a life without life.   Destiny walks on by, passing such person without a backwards glance. She is a fickle thing. She plays with life when it suits her. It is her pawn, her toy. A toy she has the choice to discard. To ignore.   Destiny is merciless.   Red strings intertwined. Stretched and faded, and sometimes broken. They are the map of life. They are mass of meetings, for they touch, they fold, and they break away. They are peoples’ life, of really living. They are what make humans whole.   Their shadows lay upon the ground, yet there is no ground. They are suspended within Eternity. Yet they are knotted, they are one, they have come from the same spool. They all are connected to one meaning. An unknown meaning. As a whole, they make a picture. An unknown picture. For Kami is mysterious that way.   The shadows. They bring a different story. They are there, yet they are not. They blend into the darkness surrounding the strings. The strings give them life; they provide the light that creates them. The brighter the string, the darker the shadow.   It was the way of things.   It takes a dark shadow to make a bright string.   But there was one string… a thin and frayed string that had little light, but a dark shadow.   Why?   Why is there such a string? How did this phenomenon accrue? How does it exist?   Such a delicate string, the hue of old blood. Such a strange string.   Time watched this string. Wondering how he had over looked such a frail thing. Afraid to touch it, to move it, for it will break so easily. Wondering why it was so over looked.   There were many stings moving towards it at first. The frail string intertwining most elaborately. But then there was nothing. It moved away, it frayed, it began to break. Yes, many times this string tried to break. Yet was still hold together by a single fiber.   Why?   Time ponders. Destiny ignores… but Kami… Kami must have much in store.   A dark string with a dark shadow… how very odd…   -()()()-   Shin spends the rest of Monday pondering his sanity. He was not Hikaru, he came to understand, yet Hikaru was his past, a part of himself. Hikaru was who made him who he was now. It was also Hikaru’s fought for his confusion now. For Hikaru loves Sai with all his being.   For that, Shin could not help but love Sai too.   They say a Maker’s voice is within its makings. Hikaru’s voice was his love for Sai, so Shin loves Sai.   …But Sai is dead… So Shin is left with nothing but empty love.   Hikaru was a bastard.   From the kitchen, Shin moved to the DJ stage, blasting some hard rock. Droning out the noise inside his head while his heart gave sorrowful cries. There was little light inside Blood-Black Roses, only the flickering of a handful of candles.   Karasu was at work, leaving Shin at home alone. Shin was taking a day off, not that he can afford it, but because his heart hurt too greatly after yesterday’s events.   ..Sai…   Shin gave a self-hating chuckle, having heard this cry for hours now, “Hikaru… Why have you done this to me?”   …Sai…   Shin’ s heart ached, “…Hikaru… Why?”   Shin slipped behind the speakers, falling to the floor, feeling the vibrations through the floor -- deaf to everything, but the ghost of a whisper from his past self.   …Sai…   “Shut up, Hikaru,” Shin cried. But Hikaru was not there. There was only his voice, his memories… his shell.   ...Sai…   “Sai is dead, HIKARU!” Shin curled up into a ball, “…like you.”   Shin closed his eyes, painful tears slipping out. He held himself, desperate to keep together and know he was still there. Still himself and not Shindou Hikaru. The bass pounded on, in sync with his rapid heartbeat. Pulsing with his pain.   …Sai…   “Why…& #8221; Shin whispered, “Why must you leave me with your love?”  Black eyes stared into darkness, glazed with pain.   …Sai…   Shin got up off the floor, his body – no… Hikaru’s body, trembling. He moved back to the bar, grabbing some old whisky and droning it in one go. It scorched his throat.  He banged the glass on the hard counter. His eyes twisted in pain, not because of the alcohol, but because of his – no, Hikaru’s heart.   …Sai…   “He was not real, Hikaru.” Shin whispered, “You made him up…”   …Sai…   “He is gone…”   …Sai…   “He left you…”   …Sai…   “Sai, Sai, Sai, SAI! Is that all you have to say?!”   …Sai…   “It is always just SAI?! Give it up, Hikaru!”   …Sai…   Shin clinched his head, “He is dead, Hikaru! You too are DEAD! You both should be happy now!”   …Sai…   “HE IS NOT HERE!!” Shin threw his glass across the room, watching in satisfaction as it shattered. “YOU KILLED HIM!” Shin grabbed the whisky bottle and hurled it after the glass, “You ignored him and you killed him! All for the sake of Go, Hikaru! YOU KILLED HIM!” The bottled shattered, “Now, look who’s playing Go now!” Broken pieces fell to the ground, “Go is nothing without Sai, Hikaru!”    ...Sai…   Shin kept screaming, “Sai is nothing without Go!”   ...Sai…   He grabbed the Vodka and threw it at the wall as well, “And now you are nothing without SAI!”   ...Sai…   “You. Are. NOTHING!”   ...Sai…   Shin looked into the darkness, his body still trembling, his eyes still glazed. Then, his knees gave out from under him. His head fell back and tears drifted to the cold, unforgiving floor.   “…Why are you crying?” Shin whispered, “…Why must you cry?”   ...Sai…   “He does not love us, Hikaru.” Shin tried to calm his and Hikaru’s heart, “He does not love us… he has forsaken us, as we have forsaken him.”   ...Sai…   Shin clinched his hands, “We can’t live for a ghost, Hikaru… I–I can’t live for the dead…”   …Sai…   Shin chucked, “Death can’t live for the dead…”   …Sai…   “Hikaru̷ 0; What do you want from me? What do you want with this broken body of yours? Why must you torment me, even in death?”   …Sai…   “Why must you cry?” Tears fell from black eyes, “Why must you cry for him?” It was useless to question. Hikaru’s sad voice could only cry that one word. Shin cried for his—Hikaru’s heart was crying. When coming so close to Heave only to find it was all an illusion was too much to bear. Too much…   ...Sai...   “Hikaru… ; Where is Sai, if he is not with you?” Shin reached out his hand in the darkness of the room, “Where is he, Hikaru? Where is your Sai?”   The candle light flickered but no wind dared stir. “Where is the Sai that we love so deeply?”   ...Sai...   “Hikaru… ;” Shin cried for a heart that wasn’t his own, for the desperation he was starting to hear in that one name his past self kept whispering, “H-Hikaru…”   ...Sai...   “Hikaru… ;” Shin choked, but he knew what he must say, “Hikaru… Sai… was a child’s dream…”   And like that, everything was shattered.   -()()()-   Never in his life did Karasu felt his heart stop like it did that morning. After working all night, he had come home exhausted, with the sour smell of sex clinging to her person. But all that was irrelevant to the image he had come home to. An image that will add to all the horror he has ever witnessed in his years of living.   Black Blood.   There was black blood everywhere and within the center of its macabre design laid one fallen Angel of Death… Shin… Time slowed… then faded and blurred. The sound of his heart beating sung through his ears. It was the beating of Death Drums in a mournful manner. There was a ringing in his ears, a sound of a flat line.   Death…   Blood and death…   A yell. One name. Shin… There was a fury of movement. One heart racing. One heart slowing.   Black Blood was splashed across the canvas.   Time speed, catching up to the moments lost.   Someone cried… for no one died… yet they had died, if only a little inside.   Ma petit mort… My little Death… Ironic to use it in such a situation…   Shin laid on his bed. Red gauze was wrapped around his wrists. His skin gave reason for his name. As pale as Death. Karasu laid beside his bedside with worry. Soon Ayami will be there. She would know what to do. She always knew what to do…   A raven cried.   Ayami came, hours passed, and Ayami left. There were stitches now, under the gauze. But still, Death did not open his eyes.   Karasu hummed his favorite song from Misuteru, hopping for a small miracle…. Still Death did not wake…   Seconds passed, then minutes… then hours…   I wasn’t until around lunch that black eyes met blue.   Raven smiled, “Welcome back to the living.”   “Kuroi?” Shin rubbed his head, “What happened?”   Karasu narrowed his eyes at him, “I would like to know that myself, Shin.” He picked up a bowl of misu soup, “But you have to eat first. You’re severely malnourished already. With amount of blood you lost last night, it is surprising that you haven’t died already.”   Shin tried to pick himself up, but a sharp pain in his arms stopped him. Confused, he brought them up to find bandages around his wrists.   “Don’t mess with those,” Karasu pushed his arms back down and forced a spoon in front of his face, “Open.”   “Wha--”   The spoon of soup was shoved into his mouth. He looked at his friend to see his irritation. Why?   The process was repeated again with the next snoop full of soup, and again and again until there was nothing left inside the bowl.   “Kuroi,” Shin tried again, “Now that you are fucking done, what the hell happened?!”   The bowl was forcefully set down, blue eyes and ocean of torment, “You tried to kill yourself again, you fuckin’ idiot!”   Shin was taken aback from his friends force behind such words, “Wha?”   “FUCKIN’ IDIOT! You are fuckin’ insane!!!”   Shin glared at him, not likening his insecurities blow up in his face, “What the fuck-”   “I can’t believe you would try to kill yourself again!! The first time was enough, DAMNIT!”   “What the hell-”   Karasu pulled him into a fierce hug, holding him tight within his embrace, “Fucking baka.”   “Kuroi?”   “Shut up.” Karasu hugged him tighter, afraid to let go.   The raven cried.   “I… am sorry…”   Karasu moved to look at his black eyes, “You better be you jerk!”   Shin twitched in annoyance.   “How would you like to go home to see your best friend bathing in his own blood?! To see so much of it around the room… to see blood everywhere….Because of his own doing!” Karasu grew more annoyed, “To see your friend in the brink of death! …What were you thinking?!”   ...Sai…   Shin glared, “Nothing.”   “SHIN!”   Shin looked away, “I… I don’t remember anyway…”   Karasu touched Shin’s cheek, pulling him to meet his eyes, his tone soft now in light of his friend’s pain, “What do you mean?”   ...Sai…   Shin jerked his head away, clinching his hair in despair, “SHUT UP!”   “What is happening to you?” Karasu whispered aguishly, “What is wrong?”   Everything was shattered now… Everything glittered in the dark… Tears…. Glass… and blood…   Chapter One End: To Be Continued Annoying Authors Notes:   Wow, that totally did not go as planned. This chapter sort of popped up out of thin air. Humm… I wonder if I can still make the scene move to an event I had planned…     Blaaaaah… Ha ha ha, I believe I have shaken things up a bit with this story. It is kinda fun to torture Shin. :P   I know that beginning to this chapter is very confusing, but trust me, it will be clear by the end of the story, I promise!   I find that I am still near the beginning to my story, even at 9 chapters. Darn. But the good part is I am closer to introducing Sai. Funny, since I have already made Shin go a bit insane. Having to reintroduce Sai is going to really fuck him up… he he he, Poor Shin.   I think I have well and truly broke my character. I feel a bit bad. I couldn’t help but cry in the making of Shin’s loss of sanity, but I have finally made him hit rock bottom. The part where he started throwing glass came a bit too sudden, but I think it added well to the shocking factor that he was in great pain.   I also felt bad for Karasu. To find the one you love slowly dying (even welcoming death) must be of great pain to him.   If you can’t tell, I am working up to something big with this chapter. Things are going to get worst and more confusing pretty soon.   I hope you enjoyed this chapter. If not, I hope you keep reading until to see how I will end this story.   Also, if you didn’t like this chapter…. SHUT THE FUCK UP!   I really don’t want to hear your complaints.   With lots of love,
Mira   Chapter Notes:   Misuteru - forsaken Baka - idiot Kami - God