Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction ❯ Riding the Wave ❯ Breakdown ( Chapter 9 )

Riding the Wave

Breakdown

Even on the elevator ride back down to their room, Hikaru felt like he couldn't catch his breath. He kept trying to come up with something to say after that kiss, but he was partly afraid that if he said a word he'd wake up and it would all not have happened. Touya was just as silent, which made Hikaru even more nervous.

Finally the doors slid open, and Hikaru found his voice. "This--this isn't our floor."

"We have a bet to settle."

"Touya!" Hikaru whispered intently.

"Akira," he corrected, eyes fixed on the hall outside of the elevator. "You can't kiss me back like that and remain so formal."

Hikaru stood there, nodding with a blank expression, watching Akira walk out of the elevator without him. The doors began to close before Hikaru snapped out of it enough to move again.

Oh, damn. This could not end well. "Are you crazy?" Hikaru whispered when he caught up. "Stop, you win, I'll pay you, just don't--"

Don't put me through this, when I was about to finally set everything right! he finished silently, but there was no way he could say that out loud.

"What are you afraid of?" Akira asked with a defiant lift of his chin.

Hikaru was set to throw a temper tantrum to put all of his childhood explosions to shame, when the sound of boisterous laughter carried down the hall as a reminder that they were in a very public spot. A moment later Isumi and Kurata walked over to the elevators. Kurata was the one laughing, of course, and he had an arm around Isumi's shoulder.

"Isuzu-san!" Kurata said drunkenly. "These are the right elevators, right?"

"Isumi," he corrected wearily, giving Hikaru and Akira a weak smile that was both embarrassed and pleading, as if he hoped the other two would save him from the drunk man he was struggling to support and lead.

Kurata seemed not to hear. "So, that's why I quit betting on horses and started riding elevators instead, Isuzu-san. Your room is still next to mine, right?"

Isumi just nodded.

Hikaru was sweating. He looked at Akira's hair, and his crooked tie, and he wondered how anyone could miss it. There was some hope, since Isumi wasn't really the sort to spread rumors, but Kurata was the worst! Well, when he wasn't being pompous and completely oblivious to everyone else around him, that is.

Akira smiled at them both. "Some fresh air might help you feel better, instead of going straight to bed. There's a door to the roof, from the top floor."

"Oh?" Kurata asked blearily, looking Akira over. "You went up there already?"

"Yes, we were just up there," Akira said, finally running fingers through his hair to return some sort of order to the mess.

Isumi gave Hikaru a questioning look, and Hikaru knew that Isumi had to know.

"Is it windy up there?" Isumi asked.

"Yes!" Hikaru jumped on the answer like a lifeline.

"Not particularly," Akira said at the same time.

The elevator opened and Kurata all but fell in. "I think wind would make me dizzy," he said, shaking his head. "See you tomorrow." Kurata pushed a button and the doors began to slide shut while Isumi was still staring, frowning as he put it all together.

"Wait!" Isumi cried at the last moment, managing to catch the doors and make them open once again. "You'll end up in the wrong room! That's not even our floor!"

When the doors closed again, Hikaru slumped against the wall and shook his head. "That was close," he sighed in relief. "Too close! If Kurata weren't so drunk, I'm sure they'd both know and be telling everyone by now! What were you thinking?"

"I'm trying not to think," Akira said softly, walking across the hall to stand next to Hikaru. "If I'd stopped to think about it, I wouldn't have kissed you. I'd still be looking for an excuse, and talking myself out of ever finding out if I had a chance."

"Yeah?" Hikaru looked up, scowling. "Your timing sucks. Or did you forget I'm getting married soon?"

"How could I forget?" Akira asked. "This might be my last chance to talk you out of it. To stop you."

"What if I don't want to be stopped?" Hikaru felt his hands clench, just starting to realize he was actually pissed off. "I'm trying to fix my life, and the mess I'm in, and you'll just make it worse! We can't do this! You can't come along with one kiss and make everything better! You're five years too late for that, Akira. Maybe back then I'd have believed that we could make something work between us, because it's us, but not now. I know better, now."

"Hikaru," Akira's voice was soft, pleading. "Don't...."

Before he could stop and think about what he was doing, and who he was hurting, Hikaru started running. "Shut up!" he yelled as he raced down the hall, nearly running into someone along the way. It didn't matter. He dodged, and he kept running until he was outside, past the front door of the hotel and hailing a taxi. Without thinking he gave his home address and paid entirely too much to take the trip all the way there.

"What's the matter, mister?" the driver asked, looking at Hikaru through the mirror. "You look like you saw a ghost."

"I wish," Hikaru muttered to himself, staring out the window at the passing city lights. That's when he realized it. He wasn't angry. He was scared. He always dreamed that kissing Akira would make him the happiest person in the world, but he wasn't. He was so terrified he couldn't think straight.

Of course, that might not be the only reason he couldn't think straight. That had been the best kiss of his life. Hikaru's lips were still tingling, reminding him every moment of what he was running away from.

"I'm such an idiot," Hikaru said, hanging his head in his hands, hiding his face from the world.

"Wanna talk about it?" the driver asked, startling Hikaru who had forgotten somehow that he wasn't actually alone.

"It's a long story," he said.

"They always are," the driver said. "And it's a long drive."

"I was just kissed by the one person in the whole world I've ever loved more than anyone else," Hikaru found himself saying. "I've wished it would happen, but I just can't--"

"What, you're a masochist? Afraid of happiness?" The driver chuckled, looking at Hikaru in the mirror for a moment. "Ah, sorry. What, is she married?"

"No."

"You married?"

"Engaged."

"Oh, and you don't want to break your fiancé's heart when she finds out?"

"She already knows."

"That's a little harsh, don't you think?" the driver had turned from commiserating to accusing.

"It's not like that," Hikaru explained. "Akari and I are just friends. It's not exactly a marriage of true love, just convenience. And no, before you ask, her family isn't rich or anything like that either."

"So, what's stopping you?"

Hikaru sighed. "Well, for one thing, he's a guy."

"So? Why would that stop you, in this day and age?"

"That's not the only thing," Hikaru said glumly. "If it were, I could deal with it. But, he and I work together."

"A lot of couples meet at work. It happens a lot, when you spend a lot of time together."

"It would cause a scandal," Hikaru said. "I don't want to do that to him."

"You could always find another job."

Hikaru's head snapped up. "What?"

"Sure. What's more important to you? Your job, or true love?"

Playing go? Or being with Akira?

What would hurt more to lose?

"I really love my job," Hikaru said softly.

"Well, I guess you have your answer, then," the driver said sadly. "It's got to be the best job in the world, though."

Hikaru had stopped listening, though. His mind was spinning, sifting through possibilities and plotting out probabilities. There was no way he could get everything he could want, but he spent the rest of the car ride trying to figure out if there was still any way possible he could get what he wanted most.

~~~~~@~~~~~

At the last minute, Hikaru ended up giving the cab driver the address of Akari's apartment, instead of his own. It was very late by the time he stood there knocking on the door, but the light was on and he knew she was usually awake late on the weekends. She looked tired and frazzled when she answered the door, but instead of berating him or asking a million questions she just opened the door and let him inside.

"Am I an idiot, Akari-chan?"

She closed the door and flopped down on the couch, rolling her eyes. "It's two-thirty in the morning, and I was just about to go to bed. Are you sure you want me to answer that?"

"I'm serious." Hikaru sat down slowly next to her, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, staring across the room at nothing. "Right now, I think I'm the stupidest person ever."

"What happened?" Akari put a hand on his shoulder gently.

Her hand was warm through his shirt, and her touch was comforting, but it just wasn't Akira. Hikaru's heart would never race for her, the way it did for him. How could he have thought he'd ever be content with a comfortable, safe façade like this? It wasn't what he wanted, and it wasn't what she wanted.

"He kissed me," Hikaru said miserably.

"So what are you doing here?" Akari demanded.

"Gee, what was I thinking, running off to talk to my future wife?"

"Hikaru," her tone was thoroughly exasperated. "I'm not ten and harboring a secret wish that we'll end up living happily ever after just because we're married. I've probably known you were in love with Touya-san longer than you've known it yourself, so I've had a long time to get used to the idea. So, unless one of you gets pregnant, there's not a lot the two of you can do that will surprise me."

"Be serious," Hikaru said, shaking his head. "And help me think. The whole ride here I've had a lot of thoughts in my head, but I still can't think."

"So, he kissed you, and you ran away, and now you're here, and he's back at the hotel with that little girl wondering what he did wrong and if you'll ever speak to him again."

"It wasn't exactly--" Hikaru started, and then he froze. "Oh no," he groaned, placing his head between his knees. "He'll never talk to me again."

"Knowing you, you left everything in the hotel except what you had on you." Akari's tone turned teasing. "Including your cell phone."

He felt her reaching for something from where she sat, and before Hikaru looked up she had the phone in her hand and was dialing.

"No," Hikaru said, reaching for the phone. "Saya-chan is sleeping!"

Akari covered the phone with her hand. "Touya-san won't be, though." She stood and moved out of his reach, waving him away. "Sorry to disturb you," she said into the phone. "No, he's right here. He's fine, he's safe." She stopped and listened for a moment, turning her back.

Hikaru, for his part, slumped back on the couch and leaned back, staring up at the ceiling. He'd known the weekend would be a disaster. He knew he shouldn't have gone.

"It's okay," she went on in gentle tones. "He told me about-- Well, he mentioned that, and I know Waya-san was looking for him earlier today. No, that's my fault. He did? No, he tried to talk me out of it first. I think he's having problems with his wife, but he's too much of a guy to admit it to anyone of course. Sorry! No offense!" Akari laughed lightly, and Hikaru stared at her in growing horror, though her back was still turned. "No, I just mean--"

She stopped and listened again for a minute, nodding and shooting Hikaru a brief reassuring smile over her shoulder. Hikaru scowled at her, and she rolled her eyes. She then held her hand over her free ear and turned her back again.

"I'll tell him. The two of you need to talk, though. I know." She laughed again and shook her head. "No, I will. You should try to get some sleep, now. It will all work out in the end, I'm sure of it. Then, I'll have to be optimistic enough for both of you. Good night, Touya-san."

"You are really annoying, sometimes," Hikaru grumbled when she hung up the phone.

"You're welcome," Akari said, grinning as she sat down next to him again. "Now we're even, for you barging in on me when I was about to go to bed."

"Sorry," he murmured.

They fell into the sort of comfortable silence that comes only between old friends late at night. The hum of the refrigerator died down after a while, and somewhere outside a car's tires squealed across pavement and an engine revved. Those were the only sounds of note as they thought, until Hikaru wondered if Akari had fallen asleep sitting up. He thought about glancing over to look, and she shifted her position.

"I've never been able to make you as angry as he does," she said at last, and for some reason she sounded sad. "Never. Not as frustrated, not as upset, not as scared. But, I've never made you as happy, as passionate, as thrilled, or as fascinated as he can, either. I never will, either. And, even when I thought I had a crush on you when we were little, you never made me feel like all of those things, either. Some day, I want to be kissed in a way that I can think for hours after it, even with a long and boring car ride. Some day. But, that day isn't today." She was fingering the single plain gold band she had worn for months now, slipping it on and off of her ring finger. Finally, she left it off and held it in the palm of her hand, holding it out to him.

Hikaru stared at it. "I never promised you those things," he said heavily, apologizing in his own way.

He reached for the ring, but she closed her fingers around it before he could touch it.

"If you still want to do it, if you still want to marry me, I will. The only thing that's changed is you know you have a chance with him, now. And I know I need to stop pretending that you'll magically see me in my wedding dress and realize what you've been missing all along."

"Akari," he said softly, holding her shoulders gently. "I--"

"But, it's up to him, too," she interrupted him, pulling away from him. "I'll go along with whatever you decide, as long as you two agree it's for the best. If you use me as an excuse to run away from him, I'll never forgive you."

Hikaru nodded, subdued.

She stood, pulling out a pillow and a blanket from the closet and tossing them at his head. "You can make your decisions after you've had some sleep, and some more time to think. No pressure, you're just deciding what to do with the rest of your life is all."

"Yeah, no pressure," he rolled his eyes as he unfolded the blanket and made himself comfortable.

He already knew what his decision was, though. He had a feeling that some part of him had known since he was a little kid, and he started walking in the footsteps of Touya Akira, wanting nothing more than to catch up to him some day. For his part, the conclusion was inevitable.