InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ A First Time For Everything ❯ "The Drug In Me Is You" ( Chapter 45 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

 

A/N: This is a continuation of the previous chapter “Papaoutai”

Disclaimer: Nope, I own nothing and make no monies from this.

 

 

A First Time for Everything

"The Drug In Me Is You"-- Falling in Reverse

Going from single with no kids to finding out he had a four-year-old daughter was not a walk in the park for Sesshomaru. His father had come as he said he would and given Sesshomaru a crash course to a family he had never known existed and he was at a loss for words. How could this have happened to him? Why was this happening now and why was she kept from him like some dirty little secret? He was angry, felt as if his entire family had purposely wanted to make a fool out of him, and the urge for violence coiled in his stomach.

He was angry because as he watched the child sleeping in his bed, a tiny creature swallowed by expensive blankets and snoring peacefully, he felt cheated. Yes, when Rin had left he had not been in a place to handle the emotional responsibilities that came with having a child, but they had taken the choice away from him without him even knowing. Would he have stepped up and been there for Rin during her time of need? Would knowing he was having a child saved him from the loneliness he had felt? Would he have behaved differently? He wasn't sure, but it was hard not to dwell when there were so many emotions floating in his head.

Turning off the bedroom light, Sesshomaru went to his kitchen where his father sat on a high bar stool, his thick arms pressed against the marble island, a beer bottled nestled between his fingers. Sesshomaru pulled a few more bottles from the fridge and opened one, letting the cold glass rest against his lips as the bitter liquid slipped down his throat. There were a lot of things that would need to be discussed, but right now, he needed to calm down his racing heart.

"How old is she?" Sesshomaru broke the silence, staring down at the beer in his hands, not quite ready to meet his father's eyes.

"Just turned four last month," Inu-Tashio replied softly, his own drink clinking against the countertop as he placed it down.

"Is there anything else I should be aware of?" Sesshomaru felt the bitterness leaving his mouth before he could stop it, his hands running through his hair and tugging at the strands. "Do I have any more children out there that I don't know about? Do I have a wife you guys didn't think to tell me about?"

"Sesshomaru,"

"NO!" He growled, his fist slamming down hard onto the marble countertop and stinging his flesh. He had spent years being reasonable, responsible, and holding volatile emotions under the surface and he'd be damned if he was forced to hold them back now. "You had no right! No right to keep this from me, none of you! This isn't 'oops I forgot to pay a ticket and there's a bench warrant for my arrest' or an 'I left your water running for three days and flooded the entire yard' things! This is my life! MY LIFE! And all of you made the choice to not tell me! I could have been there, I would have been there for her!"

"Do you really think so?" At that moment Sesshomaru hated his father, hated them all and he wished he could throw things at his father, hurt him the way he was being crushed under everything.

"I WASN'T GIVEN A CHANCE!" He all but screamed at his father. It left him feeling empty, bitter laughter bubbling out of his throat. He felt unsteady and he couldn't keep the conversation going.

Sesshomaru took his beer and slowly fled the kitchen, throwing himself down onto the nearest couch, letting sleek leather pull him down into its depths. He had experienced rough days, bad days, and hellish days, but this seemed to be the worst. He was angry, hurt, and scared. There were too many strong emotions fighting for control over him and he quickly drank the rest of the liquid from the bottle before placing it on the near back coffee table. He was used to being in control of his life, there were no surprises that he could not handle, but none of them had affected his personal life in ages.

He was a father now, and he did not have the first idea of what to do. Sesshomaru rolled his head, allowing it to rest on the couch, and let his eyes wander the ceiling above him. He needed to pull himself back together and figure this out. He wanted to punish every person who hid this from him, but he knew he couldn't. The damage was done and now all that there was left was to clean up the mess that was made and move on. His family wouldn't understand what they did to him, wouldn't understand what it meant to him and he pushed down the feelings, curling them deep into his stomach. It didn't matter what he wanted anymore, not when he now had to think of someone other than himself.

"What about Rin?" His tongue was thick in his mouth, almost not wanting to know the answer, but not knowing would be worse. "Has there been any update on her?"

How serious was the accident? What happened? Would he have to tell the little girl asleep in his bed that she may have gained a father, but the cost was her mother? Pain filled his chest, stabbing him and he tried to ease it by rubbing his chest, his fingers trembling. How did he feel about it all? Could he handle hearing she was seriously hurt or even gone? He did not want to think of these things, but he couldn't run away from whatever the truth was. There was no escaping this.

"I don't know," Sesshomaru felt the dip in the seat next to him, the pressure of his father patting his knee and it wasn't the reassurance he wanted. None of this was what he wanted.

Sesshomaru dug into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone, his fingers sliding over the glass screen and taping on the contact, the device dialing the number. He felt almost numb as he pressed the speaker button, too afraid to put it next to his ear and hearing something that could possibly destroy him. It rang, the sound reverberating through the room and Sesshomaru held his breath, his father's hand tightening the grip on this knee momentarily. The gesture was not lost on him, his father hadn't been the doting type of parent, but Sesshomaru felt the strength in the touch.

"Hey," Kagome's voice sounded tired, dull and Sesshomaru swallowed the lump forming in his throat.

"Is she okay?" His normally deep voice cracked slightly and he cleared his throat as softly as he could.

"The doctors say the damage isn't life-threatening," Both Sesshomaru and his father heaved a sigh of relief. "She's got some bruised ribs, a fractured wrist, and broke a few bones in her leg. They had put pins and screws in some spots and she may need a knee replacement in a few years, but other than that she will be okay."

"That's good,"

"Sesshomaru, I'm sor--"

"What's done is done," he said simply. He didn't want to hear apologies, not when he wasn't in a forgiving mood and after thanking Kagome, Sesshomaru ended the call. He listened halfheartedly to his father and after a while tuned it out altogether. His mind was racing with too many thoughts, too many feelings, and Sesshomaru desperately tried to organize them as he would documents while working. He needed to rest, allow himself to process everything, and wanted to be left alone.

Sesshomaru drifted in and out of sleep, his head resting uncomfortably on the back of the leather couch. When he finally woke, he felt like hell. His mouth was dry and his muscles ached from sleeping sitting up and he groaned as he pulled the light blanket from his body and folded it, placing it on the cushion next to him. He ran his fingers through his tangled silver hair and rose, following the animated laughter from his kitchen. He glanced at the time on the clock as he passed and mentally chided himself. He should have been up hours ago and at the office preparing for his day and grumbling under his breath he called his secretary Sophie and told her that he would be taking a few personal days off until he was able to get situated.

She was understanding, as she always was, and suggested if clients needed to have meetings she would set up online meetings and message him with the links and information and he could take care of everything from his computer. He thanked her silently, leaning against the doorway to the kitchen and slipping his phone back into his pocket.

His father and daughter were crowded together, laughing as flour drifted in the air around them in a haze. Ingredients littered the large marble island, broken eggshells on the tile beneath them and though the need to snap and demand the mess to be cleaned up immediately, Sesshomaru simply brushed it away and took in the scene in front of him as it was meant to be. It warmed his heart, seeing his father so happy as he and the child stirred the concoction in the large mixing bowl, the small hand over his father's larger ones as if she were in the instructor and him the student.

This is what Sesshomaru was angry over, the ease in which his family showed affection and was able to create happiness without even a thought. For Sesshomaru this did not come easily and there was a bitter taste in his mouth as she could have been his way into happiness. Being there for his child could have helped him not feel so detached and alone and now he wasn't sure if he would be able to assimilate into the family that was his, but not his. He did not know if he could just step in the middle of things and be the person they were all demanding him to be now. For him this felt like a cruel and unusual punishment, an outsider looking in. Sesshomaru felt hollow.

"Look! We are making pancakes!!" his daughter Akane, he reminded himself watching the way her eyes sparkled, her hair pulled up into a high ponytail and sticking to the sides of her face along with white globs of batter.

"Hmmm," He closed the distance between them, pulling a pan from the hanging racks and putting it onto the stove. He had not had pancakes in years and he brushed away the memory quickly, he was trying desperately to keep himself in check, and memories of her seemed to be slipping through the cracks of his control.

Together the pancakes were made, piling up on a plate and when the last of the batter was gone, Akane was placed on an empty barstool and given a plate of the warm butter cakes drizzled in syrupy goodness. She ate noisily, chattering about nothing and everything as she demolished her plate. Sesshomaru cleaned up the mess as his father sat down with his own plate, wiping up spilled flour and tossing away the empty milk container. Dirty dishes were washed, rinsed, and left to dry on the counter and Sesshomaru poured himself a mug of coffee, adding a small amount of milk and sugar. He nursed the hot liquid, sipping it slowly as he continued to watch the four-year-old interact with his father, the joy on her face, her squeals of laughter, and in it he could see flashes of Rin in her.

Most of the morning continued on the same way, him watching from the background, his father putting in his two cents here and there keeping small talk alive to alleviate the awkwardness that Sesshomaru felt. It helped ease some of his tension and by early afternoon the small child was fast asleep on his leather couch, a light blanket tossed over her small form and the large television playing some children's show about a dog family with an Australian accent.

Sesshomaru left his father in charge of the child when he left for the hospital, his need to verify that all was as Kagome said becoming close to desperation. He did not like hospitals, the smell of sterilization, the cold unfeeling white hallways that went onto forever, the fluorescent lights sucking away life and whispering silent tears. His shoes clicked against the tile floors and he wiped his sweaty hands on his slacks before pushing open the door to the room where Rin was.

The conversation going on went silent as he entered the room, the surprised look of his half-brother InuYasha and Kagome turning into guilt and after a few more words the two were picking up their belongings and exiting the room, promising to come back and visit later. When the door clicked shut behind them Sesshomaru heard Rin's heavy sigh, and his stomach twisted as she refused to look in his direction.

"How's Akane holding up?" She asked instead, her small hands straightening out the wrinkles in the blanket covering her lap, drawing his attention to the IV and monitors connected to her.

"Very well considering," He sat down in the chair nearest to her bed, turning it so he faced her and rested his own hands elegantly in his own lap. He would make her face him. "Rin, I--"

"I won't apologize for what I did Sesshomaru," She said, her eyes staring intently at the wall across from her at the whiteboard which held the vitals that were taken earlier by the nurses on duty.

"I'm not asking you to," he needed to remain calm, and yelling at the already battered woman in front of him would serve no purpose than to increase the distance already separating them.

Rin looked at him then, her once creamy pale skin darkened with bruises ranging from purple to a sickly green, her once expressive eyes clouded with emotions and ringed with exhaustion. This was not the woman he remembered from all those years ago and he felt shame weasel its way into his chest. If he had better understood his feelings for her, if he had been less selfish she wouldn't look the way she did now. He did not like the look of defeat and exhaustion that she wore, the white strands of hair he saw hiding in the ebony locks that were now greasy and unkempt.

"Why are you here then?" he heard the bitterness in her voice and it stung. He had done this to her.

"Because you are," there were so many things he wanted to say to make her understand and some to make her hurt and regret as much as he was currently, but even at his worst, he did not think he could do that to her.

"Don't make me laugh," Rin had his full attention, her nails biting into the fabric and he allowed her to purge her anger onto him. "We haven't been together for years and now suddenly you are here because of me? That's grand."

"You left me," Sesshomaru retorted allowing some bitterness to leak into his tone.

"You left me no choice," She spat back and he wondered if she wasn't bedridden would she have struck him. He would have deserved as much.

"And have you not punished me enough for it?"

"How can I punish you," she said coldly turning her head away from him and hiding the tears he had seen filling her eyes. "You would have to care for it to be a punishment."

Her words took chunks from his flesh, burning his nerves and it made him hate himself for the choices he had made when he was younger. Neither of them believed her words, she had to know that even though he had said unbelievable things that he had cared deeply for her. He wasn't the type to keep someone around just for the fun of it. She had been his companion for many years, and even a lover and if she did not know him how could she have claimed she felt anything for him? Had he loved her back then, he wasn't sure, but how could she not have known she was special to him?

He did not know how to handle the things she made him feel, he was not used to questioning his motives and his feelings, and in a moment of uncertainty of understanding of his own feelings he destroyed the foundation for what he had thought was an ideal relationship. He regretted losing her, grieved for the end of them, but he did not know how to express it and did not want to be seen as weak. She could not have asked him to beg her to stay, it was not the type of person he was. She had known who he was and expected what he did not know how to give, wanted what he couldn't give her at the time and his only recourse was to depend on his pride. His pride kept him going, kept him safe and it became his weapon and his shield.

"You will need help once you are released."

"Kohaku will help me."

"No," he couldn't hold back the anger in his voice and he watched her shoulders stiffen. "He will not interfere in this!"

"You have no say so!" she raised her voice to match his and if they had been anywhere else besides the hospital he may have been excited by her standoffish behavior.

"I have every say," if she wanted to challenge him, then he would take no prisoners. "Akane is my daughter as much as she is yours."

"We will not stay with you!" the machines at her side beeped signaling the raising of her blood pressure and Sesshomaru took a deep breath and let it out loudly.

"Then I will stay with you." There, done deal.

"What?! No," She was desperate, he could tell but he would win this small battle with her. "You can't."

"Why?" He asked raising to his feet and looming over her. "Right now what the both of you need is routine. Akane is still quite young and may not be able to understand the extent of your injuries and you are incapable of caring for her at this time. It is only logical that I disrupt your routine as little as possible and that would be best if I came and stayed until you are at a place where you can take care of the both of you. I am not asking for your permission Rin and you will allow this. You have kept me in the dark for almost five years now and it ends now. Either accept this as it is or not and trust me you will not like the alternative."

"A-Are you threatening me?" Her eyes were wide with fear of what he could do to her and though she believed him to be a cruel and cold human, he wrapped himself around the lies that fell from his lips. She could have refused and in the end, he would have accepted it, but there was a part of him that needed this. He was beginning to realize how much he missed her.

"No," Sesshomaru leaned over her, placing his lips gently on her forehead and kissing it softly. "Let me do this for you."

She was silent for a few minutes before closing her eyes, her cheeks slightly flushing. "Fine."

"Thank you," Sesshomaru pulled himself away and left her alone with her thoughts.

Rin wasn't sure what to think anymore. Days had gone by since Sesshomaru came to see her at the hospital and unloaded all of their baggage at her feet. He came in like the fog and left with a blizzard trailing behind him and she ached at the thought that she would be forced to endure him for who knew how long. Never in a million years had she expected him to show up out of the blue demanding that she let him help her raise their child and it brought back feelings that she had buried a long time ago.

Sesshomaru wasn't the kind of man who loved people and he had said so himself. He had told her that he would never marry her, that he did not love her, and yet here he was acting like she was the one who ended things. Why would she stay in a relationship with someone when love was only one-sided? He had always been so extreme with his actions and she had been so tired of running around in circles trying to translate what he did versus what he said. Words were one thing and actions another and she thought he had drawn his line in the sand when she left and he did not follow.

She may have initiated the leaving, but he was the one that had abandoned her. He was the one who left her with all of the reminders of their relationship and started over as if it all meant nothing to him. Their home, all of their belongings and memories, Rin had them all and at first, it had destroyed her. She wanted him to show her that he did love her despite his words and he had pulled out the rug from underneath her and made her feel like yesterday's garbage. She was inconsequential to him.

Then when she found out she was pregnant with Akane so many more fears and reservations floated to the surface. There had been so many nights she had held her phone in her hand, wanting to call him and tell him, to have him swoop in and lay all her fears to rest, but she was afraid. If he was so cold when she asked for his love, how would he react when he found out that they had created a life together and would be forever shackled to her. Would he become resentful, bitter, and accuse her of trapping him? She did not think she could handle any more of his rejection.

So she did the only thing she could think of, she kept it to herself. Rin hid her pregnancy for the first six months, even put the home she had once shared with Sesshomaru on the market so he could restart her life and all it had done was drawn unwanted attention to herself. Sesshomaru's father Inu-Tashio had come to an open house and seen the state she was in and she begged him not to give away her secret. He had been disgusted at first, spent hours interrogating her, and though she thought he would tell Sesshomaru, she had been surprised when he had relented and explained to her that though he felt she were making a mistake she was an adult and he would respect her decision.

There was no questioning if she was certain who the father of the child was, no accusations of her trying to trap the man into a relationship he did not want and she was thankful for Sesshomaru's family. His father and half-brother welcomed her with open arms as they had always done and helped her when she needed, going to doctor's appointments and setting up the nursery and everything she knew Sesshomaru should have been there to do.

"Rin are you sure you don't want me to stay?" Kohaku's voice brought her out of her musings, his car pulling up into the driveway of her home.

"I'm sure," She said smiling softly, forcing herself to be certain. If she leaned on him it could cause tension between her and Sesshomaru as it had done in the past and it was not a fight she wanted.

"Just say the word and I'll be there," he kissed her temple, his fingers brushing the hair behind her ear with a tenderness that she couldn't accept. They had been through this before and sometimes he only made it worse. "Don't let him bully you into doing anything."

"Kohaku please," she was begging this time as he opened her door and helped her into the wheelchair he pulled out from his trunk. He waited for her to settle herself in before pushing her to the front door. "It'll be fine… I'll be fine."

Neither of them believed her, not really and Rin pushed all he offered her away as she watched the front door open and Akane burst out from behind Sesshomaru, her calls for "Mommy mommy" making her smile. Her daughter spoke a mile a minute, telling Rin everything that she had done in the last week with Sesshomaru, things that surprised Rin and send a pang of regret shooting up her spine. It did not sound like the man she remembered.

"Mommy, mommy," Akane continued, her small hands grabbing Rin's and squeezing lightly with unabashed excitement. "And we spent the whole day making signs for you and a cake! We made a cake!"

"Oh you did?" she questioned, her gaze caught in amber. "What kind?"

"Strawberry!" Sesshomaru stood in the doorway, his arms crossed casually over his chest, his eyes watching them almost curiously and his hair hung over his shoulder in a sloppy braid, a neon pink ribbon keeping it together.

"Oh wow, I bet it tastes great." Sesshomaru's eyes softened as he moved out of their way, Kohaku pushing her into the living room where a large banner was pinned to the wall. A colorful 'welcome home' in Sesshomaru's perfect handwriting, with splotches of color everywhere, finger paint and Rin wondered how long it had taken Sesshomaru to clean up the paint mess when they were finished.

Conversation was simple and short between the three of them as the cake was plated and eaten, Akane's voice filling the gaps and thankfully limiting the awkwardness. Rin had always been thankful for her daughter's ability to adapt to every situation and it was a constant reminder of her father and the man currently sitting across from her. The cake had been delicious and it warmed her watching Sesshomaru eating the sugary treat. He had never been one to indulge in the past, despite his weakness for sweets and as his lips closed around his fork she found herself thinking about the way his lips had felt pressed against hers. How they had tasted and though the feelings were not shocking, she was surprised with how strong they were. It was as if the years apart had been mere hours. How could he still make her feel this way after so long?

Kohaku stayed longer than what was necessary, something that was of no big surprise to Rin. He was one of her closest friends and extremely protective of her and though he would have wished otherwise, all she had given him was friendship. No doubt he would soon become a thorn in her side if she did not nip his behavior in the bud. InuYasha had always joked that if Rin and Sesshomaru had never been an item, Kohaku would have been the one she married and after two decades of laughing it off, she was growing tired of hearing it.

She loved the man as a sister would her brother and though he tried at every turn to prove himself a great partner, a great father figure she never allowed him to step over the threshold. He was sweet, kind and everything a girl could want, but the truth was she did not want him, not in that way. Rin refused to settle for a man she could be comfortable with but did not find sexually attractive. It would be like eating good food without being able to taste and she did not want to teach her daughter that.

"Here," Sesshomaru's voice had lowered a few octaves, his waist at her eye level and breaking her away from her thoughts. "Take these, you must be uncomfortable by now."

His hand turned hers and in it, he placed two white pills, a glass of water in his other hand waiting for her. Rin thanked him as she popped the pain relievers into her mouth and washed them down, the thick pills catching in her throat. She spent the entire day watching Sesshomaru around their daughter, bowing to every whim of the four-year-old and it made her regret her actions, about keeping him in the dark. If she had swallowed her own pride, would this have been the Sesshomaru that stepped up? Would he have changed diapers, taken to giving their daughter midnight feedings, and bathing her.

Would have held her close to his chest and rocked her to sleep on those stressful sleepless nights. Did Rin deny the both of them the experience of watching Akane's first steps together, her first words? Had she done the right thing? She was beginning to think that everyone had been right from the beginning, she would regret what Sesshomaru could have been. She had robbed all three of them.

"Akane is asleep," How long had she been in her thoughts? The pain relievers must have already kicked in and the way Sesshomaru looked at her, she did not think she could trust herself.

"Oh, uh, thank you," she wiped her sweaty palms on her thighs, begging for the heat to leave her cheeks.

"You must be tired as well," he closed the distance between their bodies and Rin felt her heart fluttering wildly in her throat.

"Y-yes, a little," he kneeled in front of her, his hands lightly running down her arms and gripping her waist.

"Wrap your arms around my neck," his cheek brushed against hers, his lips whispering against her ear and she felt a heat fill her abdomen, her breath quicken as she obeyed.

Sesshomaru's strength enveloped her as he pulled her to his chest and rose to his feet. He was cautious of the cast on her leg, repositioning her in his arms to make it easier on the both of them. This wasn't how it was supposed to feel having him around again. It wasn't supposed to be easy, she shouldn't have the same desire she had for him before everything became so messed up. He was supposed to be cold and indifferent, not taking care of house chores, making dinner, and handling everything as if he had been doing it all along.

It made her pain feel muted and unnecessary like she had simply wasted her time struggling to raise their daughter on her own. She felt childish for keeping him away if this was how he could have been. Rin was filled with shame for her behavior. How could he forgive her? Was she even strong enough to ask it of him? Everything had been left the same as it had been before he left, her home was a shrine to the relationship they had had once and Sesshomaru said nothing as he placed her gently on the bed and opened her dresser, pulling out an over-sized t-shirt she used to sleep in.

She saw the slight lift in his mouth at the soft cotton material of the nightshirt, it had been his. "Lift your arms,"

"Se-Sesshomaru, I can undress myself!" she sputtered as his hands curled around the hem of her shirt, his fingers brushing against her skin underneath and igniting the heat she had been feeling into an aching fire.

"Rin, let me help you," his voice was husky, and as she licked her suddenly dry lips her arms lifted, and when the fabric was pulled from her body, exposing her heated flesh her fingers slid into the strands of his long hair and pulled, closing the distance between them.

Sesshomaru's strong fingers slid along her jaw, cupping the back of her head and pulling her to him as he devoured her mouth, his tongue slipping between her lips and taking everything she had to offer and more. She moaned against him, her hands trailing down his chest, catching the pounding of his heart beneath her palm as she used her free hand to slither down to his trousers feeling what lay trapped behind the cloth. He was a force to be reckoned with, his mouth trailing down her neck, nipping at the flesh there and lower, his hands pulling gasps from her lips as they teased her.

"Sesshomaru," his teeth nipped her breast, his tongue soothing the flesh as she arched into his touch. "P-please."

His body settled between hers, both of them still dressed from the waist down, but not for much longer. She wanted to push him away, her brain telling her that she wasn't ready for this, not this soon, but her body refused to listen. The pressure of him against her heat showed her that he needed her just as much as she did him and Rin did not think she could stop even if she tried. Sesshomaru's lips slipped down her body, kissing, licking, and sucking and Rin felt like she would burst if he did not touch her where she ached for him. His tongue swiped at her belly button, diving inside and giving a hint at what was in store for her, his fingers slipping underneath the band of her pants and sliding them down her thighs.

"Rin," his amber orbs caught her gaze, holding her prisoner and she watched him lower his body to hers, his face hovering over the apex of her thighs with a hunger that made her hips raise to meet him.

The heat of his mouth tortured the most sensitive part of her and she almost cried out as his lips touched her, scorching her and hands tangled in his hair, scratching his scalp. He pleasured her, dragging her quickly to the edge, his fingers touching her, his mouth devouring her and when she felt herself slipping over the edge she thought she would die.

"Mommy? I'm thirsty," Rin's thighs clamped tightly around Sesshomaru, a horrified gasp wrenching from her throat as she tried to stop the convulsing of her inner muscles. It was like someone had dumped a bucket of ice water on her.

Sesshomaru's body ripped between her and she caught the soft chuckling and glared angrily at the man between her legs. He effortlessly lifted himself from her body, sliding up her and pressing a chaste kiss to her lips before disappearing from her sight. "I'll take care of it."

Sweet mother of pearl, what had she gotten herself into?

 

 

- TBC -

E/N: Welp, there’s going to be a third part coming as soon as I get it out of my head (which might be sooner as this one came quite quickly). Please leave a review before you leave. It lets me know if you are enjoying the stories and if I should continue posting.