InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ A Never-Ending Love ❯ Chapter 17
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: DragonGrl 
The aftermath... Unexpected reunions... Heartbreak... What will happen with Sesshomaru and Rin?
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Hentai / Drama | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 01.09.2007 | Updated On: 01.09.2007 | Pages: 4 | Words: 9.0K | Visits: 357 | Status: Work In Progress
The aftermath... Unexpected reunions... Heartbreak... What will happen with Sesshomaru and Rin?
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Hentai / Drama | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 01.09.2007 | Updated On: 01.09.2007 | Pages: 4 | Words: 9.0K | Visits: 357 | Status: Work In Progress
Hello everyone ^_^
Happy new year to all and I hope everyone had a good time. Well, since it's a new I thought it would be nice to start off with a little update he he ^_^
Well, I can never say it enough, sorry for the delayed updates. But now I have something new to blame, Kingdom Hearts both I and II LOL ~_~
Not much I could say about the chapter or I'll ruin it for you ~_^ The aftermath and unexpected meetings, it's all I'm gonna say he he ~_^
Well, onto the story and PLEASE don't forget to leave me a review k? They just help to push me to update more often ^_^
Enjoy..
Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the InuYasha characters they belong to Rumiko Takahashi.
‘___’ Thought expressions
“Italic” Whisper expressions
Honestly, I felt my world collapse the night when Sesshomaru got married. It was as if my life had lost all meaning and there was nothing left to fill the void present in my heart. My conscience whispered “You did the right thing,” and repeated it over and over again until it kicked in but at the moment, it was just very hard to believe. I had to let him go I had to release him like he’d done to me when I ended up living alone. At that moment, I knew how he felt when I left and it hurt more to think that I made him go through it. Yet it felt that I was always the one left alone. It had been that way almost to the point where it was just unfair. I ALWAYS had to give up my most precious treasures in order for others to survive. I began to think that I was just meant to be that way since I had to give up what’s mine for others, even when it was the -one- thing that kept my world in one piece. But to be honest, I was left with no other choice but to move on and erase that part of my life I needed to leave it to float around in my head as a memory and nothing else, painfully hoping that someday it would fade away.
I don’t think the newlyweds left on their honeymoon the next day. I remember Inuyasha saying something about Sesshomaru having some business issues he had to take care of before he was able to leave. That was when I made my final decision, I was going to stay but only until Sesshomaru returned from his honeymoon. Then I was going to return to New York and find a place of my own there. But if I was going to leave, I was going to need the things I’d left behind at the loft, IF they were still there. Although, I just couldn’t go and claim my things myself, I didn’t want Sesshomaru to see me yet, I just wasn’t ready. Also, his wife was going to be there since they were living in the loft until they found a house. I couldn’t believe he’d taken her to live at MY loft but I wasn’t angry nor resentful towards him, just saddened at how easily SHE had taken my place even though it wasn’t by choice. Luckily Kagome came up with an idea and borrowed Inuyasha’s truck so we could load my things.
We started heading towards the loft from Ayame’s house after she’d stopped by to pick me up. I sat back and looked out the window, like I’d always done as Kagome was driving. I shook my head and closed my eyes, “Kagome, this isn’t going to work.”
“Yes it will Rin, just trust me.”
I turned towards her; “All right but what if she asks who I am?”
She shrugged her shoulders; “I don’t know. We’ll just make up something, that you’re my friend or whatever.”
I shook my head again and quirked an eyebrow, “She’s not going to believe that, we look too much alike.”
She smiled and chuckled, “Oh come on Rin, be optimistic for once. It might turn out better than you think.” My eyes widened as a flashback came to me.
It was a flashback of the night when Sesshomaru had said the same thing to me, “Come on Rin, be optimistic for once. It may work out better than you expect.”
My eyes were starting to fill with tears so I quickly turned away from Kagome, hoping she didn’t notice. I hid my face from her by looking out the window and tried to inconspicuously wipe my eyes with my sleeve.
Worried, “Hey are you ok?”
I was able to quickly wipe my tears away and nodded, shifting to look out the window. Lightly, “Yeah, I’m ok.”
“Good,” was all she said before she turned her attention back to the road.
I remained silent for a while and tried to regain control of my emotions again. Once I was able to calm down, I took a deep breath. I kept my arm up and covered half of my face with my sleeve. I kept looking out and asked, serious, “What about if he’s there?” She remained silent. When I didn’t hear an answer from her, I turned towards her and shook my head; “I can’t let him see me when SHE’S there.”
She kept looking forward and sighed, “Well, if he’s there then… I guess we’ll just have to do it some other time when he’s not.”
I leaned back on the seat and sighed myself, “I just hope he isn’t, I don’t want anything to happen.”
“I don’t either but it’ll be ok. You’ll see.” When I glanced at her, she was smiling. My lips curled up into a smile as we kept on heading towards the loft.
About 10 minutes later, we entered the forest that headed towards the buildings. When the apartments came into view, my eyes began to fill with tears again. I closed them and they slowly began to roll down my cheeks as Kagome parked. I guess she noticed it and placed her hand on my arm, squeezing it gently. I opened my eyes and turned towards her, finding her with a serious look on her face as she slightly nodded, “Control, Rin. You’ve got to have absolute control otherwise you won’t be able to make it through this.” I reached up and wiped my eyes with my sleeves again and remained silent as I responded with only a nod. She smiled and pulled her hand way. She reached and opened her door, “All right, now come on. Let’s get this over with.” She opened the door and turned to step out. I stepped out of the truck as well and walked over to where she stood. She nudged her head towards the building, “Let’s go.”
I began to follow her as I looked around; I didn’t see Sesshomaru’s car anywhere and silently thanked the heavens for it. Then I turned towards Kagome as we approached the entrance door to the building, “I don’t see his car anywhere, I don’t think he’s home.”
As she opened the door for me, “Good, then it makes it easier but we must hurry. We have to finish before he comes back.”
I stepped in and walked towards the elevator, Kagome followed beside me as I pressed the up button. “I just hope we can, he may show up at any moment.”
As the elevator door opened, Kagome chuckled, “I hope so cause with the amount of crap that you have, I don’t know.” She couldn’t hold back and started to laugh.
As we stepped in, I playfully pushed her as I raised my eyebrow, “Liar, you have more useless crap than I do.” Then I pushed the fourth floor button.
She chuckled, “HEY, it’s not useless crap. Don’t you know that the unnecessary are our major necessities?”
I just rolled my eyes as the elevator doors opened, “Whatever Kagome.” We stepped out and finally made our way towards the door. When we stood in front of it, my hands suddenly became ICE COLD for my blood drained to my feet. Kagome knocked as I stood behind her, my nerves building up with every second as we waited for an answer. A few seconds later, someone finally answered and I moved to hide behind Kagome. A young woman answered the door. She looked to be about Kagome’s age but somehow her features made her look older yet she was still very attractive. Her black hair was picked up in a lazy bun held together by a clip, it looked to be pretty long as well. Some strands hung from the sides to accent her face; she had very strong features and didn’t seem to be a very friendly person either. Her dark eyes looked at us questioningly but somehow her gaze stopped at me.
Kagome smiled, “Good Afternoon, Kagura. Am I interrupting you?”
My eyes widened and silently gasped, ‘Oh my God, this is Sesshomaru’s wife.’
She looked at Kagome, her tone of voice sounding conceded, “Good Afternoon, Kagome, is it?”
I could tell Kagome didn’t like her tone of voice but made the effort of holding back from slapping her and acted friendly. She nodded, “Yes. I just hope I’m not interrupting anything important you might be doing but I need to ask you for a big favor.”
She shook her head slightly, “Nothing important. What is it?”
“I came by to pick up my sister’s things, I’m going to need them.”
Her eyes slightly widened and slightly shook her head again, “I don’t know. Sesshomaru keeps them locked inside one of the rooms.” She turned to look inside, “Actually, he never lets anyone go inside that room.” She turned back towards Kagome and I, “You might want to talk to him first, I don’t want him to have a fit about it.”
I couldn’t believe what I heard; he kept my room off limits. I couldn’t understand why he just didn’t get rid of them. By the look on Kagura’s face though, it looked like she was glad to get rid of the stuff, I’m sure they were in her way.
Kagome kept insisting, “Come on, Kagura. Look, if he has any questions tell him to call me. I’m sure he won’t mind me picking up the things, plus they did belong to MY sister so I have full right to take them with me.”
She remained quiet for a second and nodded, “Very well but are you going to carry them all by yourself?” Then she turned her gaze towards me.
Kagome shook her head and quickly pointed towards me, “Oh no. That’s why I brought my friend to help me. We’ll be right back, we just need to get some boxes from the car ok?”
She nodded, “All right.”
Kagome turned towards me and grabbed hold of my arm as she began to walk towards the elevator, lightly, “Come on.”
I followed her and when we stepped out of the building, I looked towards her, “Wow, that woman’s presence -alone- gives off bad vibes.”
Kagome snickered, “Yeah and that’s cause you haven’t seen her angry yet. Now THAT can get ugly.”
I looked towards the building as we approached the truck, ‘I can’t believe Sess was forced to marry such a bitch. I just hope she treats him well or she’ll have to take it up with me…’
That’s when Kagome interrupted my thoughts by poking me with one of the empty boxes. “Here, take this. Come on, stop daydreaming we don’t have much time,” as she handed me more boxes. Once we had all of them, we went back to the loft. When we entered it, I froze. Everything looked so different; nothing was how I had it before. The place looked horrible with tacky and tasteless decorations. I’m sure it was all HER doing. When we reached my bedroom, we encountered a problem. It seemed like Sesshomaru was the only one that had access to the key for the room, so Kagome pulled out something from her pocket and picked the lock.
My eyes widened as she stood and smiled, ‘I’m going to have to ask her where she learned that from later.’ Once the door was open, we went in and started to pack EVERYTHING. It took us about 45 minutes to get everything up and loaded onto the truck and luckily, Sesshomaru hadn’t showed up by then. Although, Kagura kept walking in as we were trying to pack, nosing and poking around the stuff. Luckily, we’d gotten rid of the pictures first otherwise she would’ve discovered our secret. Once everything was done, the room looked empty as if no one ever lived there before. Before we left, I took one last look at it, just reminisced before we finally left. As for my things, they were kept in Ayame’s storage area until I was ready to use them. Although that night, I cried myself to sleep again. I kept thinking back to the time when Sess and I lived in the loft together. I know I shouldn’t have felt that way but I hated Kagura, despised her for taking away my one and only.
Sesshomaru arrived about 10 minutes after we left because he called Kagome, enraged. Apparently, he thought that Kagura had gotten rid of the things. I assumed it wasn’t the first time she’d mentioned about getting rid of them. But once Kagome assured him that she’d was the one that took them and picked the lock, he calmed down. I mean he really had no other choice, she was right. She did have full right to my things, IF I were dead which he still thought I was. Ever since that moment though, I started to get a strange feeling that somehow his marriage was going to start to turn on end especially once he knew that I was alive.
I was sitting on my chair as I looked out from the inside of the room, as the sun set over the horizon. It had already disappeared and the stars were starting to appear on the dark portion of the sky, silent tears rolled down my cheeks as I faded away into my own world. But as I was “zoning”, someone knocked at the door and startled me.
I turned and wiped my cheek, regaining my composure again as I called out, “Who is it?”
Suddenly, the door opened and the maid stepped inside, “Sorry to bother you Miss Rin but Madam wants to speak to you. She said to wait for her in the study and she’ll meet you there.”
I curled my lips up to a smile and nodded, “All right, thank you.”
She slightly bowed and closed the door behind her. As for me, I turned to look out again and noticed that the moon had come into sight, seeing it nearly full. It was shining brightly against the dark sky as I finally stood and headed towards the door. I walked out and started making my way to the study, trying to calm myself and not have any signs that I was crying. I didn’t want Ayame to see me cry anymore, it only made me feel worse. When I arrived to it, I heard her voice come from the inside and for some reason, I forgot to knock. I guess I just assumed that she was talking to the maid. So I reached out and opened the door, stepping in as I said, “You wanted to… see…” I couldn’t even finish my sentence because my eyes widened and jaw dropped as my blood drained to my feet. I started to feel dizzy at the sight in front of me and stood perfectly still, my body going in absolute shock.
He quickly stood and turned towards me. There he stood in front of me again, his eyes almost as wide as mine and I could tell that he was in an intense shock as well. Our eyes locked and now that he was close, I was able to take his features in more clearly; he was a lot leaner and his face showed signs of fatigue, which tore at my heart. Also his eyes looked different, very different. They had lost their glow, their beautiful luster was gone but his gaze remained deep yet empty at the same time. His mouth opened as if he was trying to say something but nothing came out, he was speechless. I noticed him looking at me, taking my image in and processing it carefully, not believing that what was in front of him was true. Finally after many attempts he managed to say something, “R… Rin?”
Oh how I’d missed the sound of his voice. I missed it so much that it made my body shiver at the mere sound of it. I closed my mouth and tried to swallow, my throat had suddenly become dry and it made it difficult to. I kept looking at him, my emotions wrecking havoc throughout my body as I was able to force out a whisper, “Sess…” because it had become hard to talk. But I felt myself beginning to lose control; I didn’t want to cry, yet I had tears running down my cheeks. He remained silent and took a step closer, our eyes still locked and that’s when I noticed that his eyes were sparkling. I looked closer and realized that their sparkle was because they’d filled with tears. By then, I just couldn’t hold it anymore; I slightly lowered my head and closed my eyes as light sobs started to escape.
I felt my body weaken for it lost all of its strength that moment and my legs were not able to hold me up anymore. I swear I thought I was going to fall to the floor. Honestly, I had so many feelings; so many emotions running through me that it was overwhelming my body and I felt like I was going to pass out. Just when my knees were starting to give out, he came up to me and wrapped his arms around, pulling me close to him. When I felt him near me, I couldn’t hold back anymore and hid in the crook of his shoulder as I started sobbing uncontrollably. I wrapped my arms around his neck and clutched tightly onto his shirt as he turned to speak into my ear, his voice breaking, “Rin… my darling Rin… I can’t believe you’re alive. I…”
My body started to tremble and he tightened his grip, trying to steady me. I couldn’t even speak for the sobs just wouldn’t let me. I shook my head, lightly, “I’m sorry… I didn’t tell you… I couldn’t…” before I was choked by another sob.
He rested his chin on my shoulder and I felt him burying his face in my hair, as he started to cry. Lightly sobbing, “Why Rin? I promised to protect you didn’t I? I would’ve given anything for you. Why did you have to leave?”
I nodded as I tightly shut my eyes, still sobbing, “I know, I know but… I couldn’t stay. You already know why but please…” I whispered, “Please don’t be angry with me,” as another sob interrupted me. I kept tightly clutching onto him; I just didn’t want to let him go. He felt like heaven in my arms and I would’ve given everything to stay there. At that moment, nothing mattered to me, absolutely nothing. Just the fact that he was near me, that I was able to feel his warmth and have his soothing scent around me once again. Honestly, I regretted ever leaving him in the first place. I just couldn’t understand why, he was everything I wanted he had everything I needed. He was the perfect one and I pushed him away, I had to give him up but it was for that same reason that I had to let him go. I couldn’t keep him; I couldn’t let his kind heart get hurt again even though I had broken it. As I said before, I didn’t want to be the reason why the world would lose someone as perfect as him. Yes he meant the world to me, he was my sanity and my strength but I’d rather go insane than have him killed to preserve it. I was just not worthy of receiving that much from him, I was never worthy of him to begin with but fate brought him to me. Fate gave him back and in a twisted way reminded me of my unworthiness of him by nearly taking him away from me again. I couldn’t let that happen and the only way it wouldn’t, would be for me to walk away.
He shook his head, still sobbing, “No Rin, I could never be angry at you. I’m just angry at why things had to happen this way.” I wasn’t able to speak anymore, the sobs kept choking me to the point where I just couldn’t say anything. I could tell he felt the same way because I felt his tears fall onto my shoulder. As for Ayame, the moment Sess wrapped his arms around me, she sneaked out of the study and left us alone. We kept tightly clinging to each other, crying our hearts out to one another until we just couldn’t anymore. Once we were able to calm down again, we moved back to look at each other, seeing pain reflected in each other’s eyes. It hurt me to see into his, knowing that I was the one that had put the pain there.
We pulled each other in again and tightened our arms around one another. We remained silent just holding onto each other, not able to let go of one another anymore. I felt him tighten his arms, then he turned to speak into my ear and broke the silence, “I’m so glad you’re alive Rin… you don’t know just how much I’ve missed you… It’s been hell not having you with me, not knowing what happened to you. My life meaning nothing because you weren’t here with me… How I’ve wished, wanted to get to hold you again and never let go.”
I closed my eyes; “I missed you so much Sess. I was never able to stop thinking about you. You were always on my mind, that’s why I decided to come back.”
I felt his arms loosen their grip and he slightly pulled away from me, confused, “Come back, what do you mean? So… you weren’t in the accident?” I looked into his eyes and just shook my head, then turned to look away from him. He reached up and held onto my chin, quickly turning my head to meet his gaze. I could feel him tense up and his eyes had changed to clearly show that he was beginning to get angry. He looked into my eyes, “Then what happened to you Rin? Why did you disappear and not tell us you were alive?”
As I looked into his eyes again, I felt even worse. No one deserved to be lied to especially in the way I did. “I…” I pulled my chin away from his hand and turned around to face the window, “I was never on that plane, Sess. I went somewhere else. Although, I WAS supposed to be on it but… I missed it because…” I closed my eyes and images of that day flashed, thinking back to the moment that saved my life.
I felt him walk up and stood behind me, “You missed it because…”
I continued to look out the window, hating myself for having lied to him for so long. I lowered my head and sighed, “I missed it because I was having seconds thoughts about leaving you. I couldn’t make myself get on that plane Sess. Especially since I knew that it meant that I was going to leave you forever… and that precise moment saved me from ever getting on it. When I finally convinced myself to leave, the flight had already left. I guess no matter how, you always manage to save me.”
He remained silent for a second and I was able to feel that he held back from going off on me. I heard him sigh in frustration and turned to walk away from me. I turned around and saw him pacing around, running his hands through his hair as he tried to calm himself down. I knew he was furious at me and he had every right to be. But the thought of it just broke my heart and it made my eyes fill up with tears again until they started to roll down my cheeks. He stopped his pacing and looked at me, his eyes burning into me. He’d never looked at me that way before and I just couldn’t bear to look at him anymore. I looked away from him, “Then where did you go, how was it that your name was on the passengers’ list of that plane? I checked -every- airline that left around the same time and you only showed up on that one.”
I kept staring at the desk as I answered, “I left to New York and stayed with a friend of mine. She has a house over in the countryside, that’s where I was the entire time I was gone. As for the list, I had already checked in that’s why it showed up but I never got the chance to check out. I was never on the plane to begin with. So I decided to take another flight but I decided to use a different name. I took the flight under Hitomi Matsumoto."
Shocked, “What? How could it…? I remember seeing that name in the list but… how, why?”
I looked back at him; “I had a fake ID with me that a friend from high school had given me. It has my picture on it but it’s under the other name. That’s how I was able to buy the ticket under Hitomi.” I lowered my head again as tears continued to roll down my cheeks, “As to why, I did it was because I wanted to make sure no one would find me. I’ve always been a burden to everyone Sess. My entire life has always been like that and I was tired of it. I wanted to be away from everyone in hopes that they will be happy because I would no longer be around.”
That’s when I heard him nearly growl and walked up to me, reaching out to grab onto my arms. He tightened his grip as I lifted my head to look at him, his eyes full of rage. His once amber eyes looked almost a shade of red and his grip on my arms was starting to sting but nonetheless, I didn’t flinch but it only made more tears start to fall. I full out deserved any anger he shot towards me and I was willing to take it no matter in what way he did it. Angry, “You wanted everyone to be happy? You thought that pretending to be dead would make everything go back to how it used to? Well, it DIDN’T Rin. No one was happy. How do you think Ayame felt when she heard the news? She was torn apart, what about everyone else? I WASN’T happy. You think I would want you dead Rin! Everyone mourned for you, they cried for you...” I closed my eyes, I just couldn’t bear to look him anymore. My soul was breaking apart at his anger, yet I deserved it. All of a sudden, he violently shook me, calling out, “Damn it, look at me Rin. At least have the guts to face me when I’m talking to you.”
I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore as more kept rolling down my cheeks at his words, at his rage towards me and I tried to scream but I couldn’t. My voice was breaking again and it came out as a cry, “I’m sorry… I can’t. I hate seeing you angry like this with me and I can’t stand it. But… I deserve all of it. I’m nothing but a coward, I admit it and because of it, I’m not worthy of you, of any of you. I only hurt everyone, that’s all I’ve ever done Sess. My life is worth nothing and sometimes I wish that I was in the car accident with my parents. That way, I wouldn’t have hurt as many people as I already did…” I opened my eyes and looked up at him, seeing his eyes still filled with rage, “Do what you want to me, I don’t care what it is. Curse me, call me whatever, hit me, I don’t care, take out your anger at me just please… don’t be angry anymore. I don’t like it when you are.”
He continued to look at me and shook his head, his tone hard and icy, “You know I would never hit a woman much less you.” That’s when his tone fired up again, “And damn it Rin, what makes you think that you’re unworthy? NOTHING, absolutely -nothing- makes you unworthy. Is the negative the only thing you can think about? Haven’t you ever thought that perhaps the reason why you WEREN’T in the accident is because of the good you’ve done to others? You’re not a fucking curse Rin even if you consider yourself to be one. A curse doesn’t change lives, it ruins them and you’ve never done that to anyone. Stop calling yourself that because you’re not a damn curse. You’re a human being, a person of flesh and blood.” He sighed and lowered his head, as he lowered his tone of voice, “You know I hate when you think that about yourself and I just can’t tell you enough times that you’re not a curse but a gift to us all. But you run from it, you run from the truth. That was what hurt most of all, thinking that you left this world with that state of mind. It hurt to think that you would jeopardize your own chance for eternity. Yet if it was up to me, I wanted you here with me. I honestly thought I’d lost you forever. How do you think I felt? Thinking that the one thing that ever meant anything in my life was gone.”
By then he’d loosened the grip on my arms and it hurt more that when he was clutching onto it. I disregarded the pain and lowered my head; “I’m sorry Sess. I just couldn’t come back and put everyone in danger. I’m very sorry and I understand if you or everyone hates me. I deserve everything that comes to me because I lied to you, to everyone.”
“No, Rin. I could never hate you. No one hates you, everyone worries about your well being, that’s all.”
I closed my eyes as more tears kept falling. He was right, no one did and I couldn’t understand why they didn’t hate me or feel some resentment towards me. Even though I had a legitimate reason, I was sure the feeling was still there. But no, no one demonstrated it towards me and it hurt to think that I had caused all these people, my family, pain.
He sighed, "If only I would’ve…”
That’s when I realized that the time had come, it was time for me to let him go for good. Although, I just couldn’t do it but my mind kept telling me; “It is time. You have to let him go.”
“NO! I can’t.”
“You have to, it’s too late now. Let him go…”
It hurt to admit it but it was right, I had to let him go. So I shook my head, “You wouldn’t have been able to do anything, Sess. These things happen for a reason.”
His eyes widened and looked at me, “What reason would there be to tear us apart? Mainly, WHY?”
I didn’t know how to answer or what else to say to him. I really didn’t know the answer to it myself but I had to make it convincing. I had to make him see that it really was the only way but how was I going to convince him of doing something when I, myself didn’t believe it either. It just made the entire situation much worse. As I was looking at him, I noticed that his eyes had filled with more pain. Yet he always stood by me, even when he nearly lost his life for me, he never left my side. He would always refuse to leave the many times I kicked him out. He would always wait patiently outside in the hall, sitting on the floor until I would finally open the door and let him back in. I just didn’t want him to be there with me anymore, not because I didn’t love him, that just could never be, but because I didn’t want him to be hurt again. Although, my kicking him out caused more pain than the wound in his arm had caused. Yet no matter what, he was always there to help me stand every time I would fall. He truly didn’t deserve it; he didn’t deserve to go through the torture that he went through with me. The hell he had to go through to take me out of the one I was in. He deserved much more, a life without pain, a life that wasn’t surrounded by death, a life with nothing but happiness because that was all he brought me, pure heavenly happiness. Yet, fate beamed me as unworthy to keep him. I was not worth to have all the happiness that came with having him; I was not worth to live a normal life. I just never deserved to live the life I always wanted, the life where I could just be happy next to Sesshomaru.
I kept looking at him and slightly shook my head, lightly, “Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be,” as I tried to hold back a sob.
His eyes widened and he pulled me in for another embrace, he shook his head, “Don’t be ridiculous Rin. My love for you is never ending, you know that.”
I rested my chin on his shoulder, “So is mine but it’s too late now, much too late.”
“What do you mean?”
I pulled back slightly to face him again and reached behind to grab hold of his left hand, bringing it in front of me. I never released his hand as I looked up at him, signaling to him to look at it by lifting it a little, “You’re married remember?”
He looked down at his hand, at his gold wedding band and I could tell that it was when reality finally hit him, he was already married. Then he looked back up at me, curious, “Wait a minute, how did you know I was married?”
I kept looking into his eyes, “Inuyasha told me. I found about it the night before you got married, which was when I came back.”
His eyes widened, “WHAT?” They flashed red again and he released me. He snapped, angry, “Why didn’t you tell me then that you were back? Why did you wait until now? If I should’ve known I would’ve never married Kagura. I never wanted to marry her, I love you and you are the one I want to marry. I don’t give a shit about her; I would’ve canceled the wedding that instant.”
I shook my head and looked into his eyes, “I couldn’t stop you, Sess. I lost you the moment I left and I thought it was what you wanted. I found out about the arranged marriage the night of your party, when I was outside looking in.”
Shocked, “You were at the wedding?”
I nodded, “I didn’t plan on going but towards the end, I ended showing up there. But I couldn’t go inside; I didn’t have enough strength to see you with someone else. So I stayed outside, hiding in the trees and looking at you enjoy your reception as I silently cried because it wasn’t me.”
He ran a hand through his hair again as he hissed, “Rin, you are such an -idiot-. I can’t believe you kept this a secret.”
I lowered my head, “I know but it was already too late, I couldn’t do anything. Either way Sess, it’s still too late. There’s nothing that can be done.”
He suddenly walked up to me and grabbed onto my arms with a tight grip again. I looked at him as he yelled, “Why do you always do this Rin? Why do you give up so much for others, why? Why can’t you ever just give yourself something you want something YOUR heart wants? You can’t keep doing this Rin, you just can’t…”
I lowered my head as a tiny sob escaped me, “I’m sorry… I know… I can’t…”
Angrily, “Stop denying yourself of your life Rin. You as much as everyone else deserve to live it. You can’t keep pushing yourself away from it; it’ll only make it worse.” He lowered his head and sighed as he shook his head, “How long do you plan to live like this Rin? You’re hurting yourself, killing your beautiful spirit because you don't realize how special you truly are. Why do you think my father approved of you? Because you’re one of a kind, you’re selfless to the point where it is just unfair for you and you’d do anything to help others. That’s the reason why I fell in love with you, you stayed caring despite everything that happened to you. That is why I wanted to help you, to give you the life you deserve because you deserved that and more but now..."
He suddenly stopped and I felt his gaze upon me. He loosened his grip on my arms and I lifted my head to look at him. His eyes had softened, I guess that’s when he’d realized that it really was too late, even if it wasn’t what either of us wanted. In a way, he’d broken his promises to me, one where he swore that we would be together forever. The other where he was going to marry me and we were going to move on to raise the family we always dreamed of. Although, I didn’t blame him, it wasn’t his fault that he did. It was just circumstances that made them impossible to keep. I looked into his eyes; “You see what I mean now? Our love may still exist but it can never be, not anymore. Even though it’s arranged, it’s still real. Please try to understand that I don’t want to be labeled as a home breaker because I’m not.”
He lowered his head again and sighed as he hissed, “Damn it all to hell.” He knew I was telling the truth but I could tell that he was ready to throw everything to the wind but just couldn’t. He wasn’t a man of breaking any commitments he was involved in especially not when his family was involved.
I lifted my hand and cupped his cheek, lifting his head up to look at me as I caressed the side of his face, “Say goodbye to me now Sess because I won’t be here when you come back.”
He looked at me as he nudged his cheek into my palm. Then he lifted his hand to cover mine, “Why do you have to leave again? Can’t you just stay with your family? They need you here.”
I shook my head, sadly, “No, because all of it won’t be here with me. I’ll always be missing the biggest fragment of my heart. You, Sess and I won’t be able to handle seeing you with… your wife.”
He closed his eyes and winced as in pain when I said that. I know it hurt but it was the truth. He looked back at me, “Where will you go?”
“Away from here… to live my life without you and start over.”
He lifted his hand to the back of my head and pressed his forehead against mine. I closed my eyes as I felt his warm breath tickle my face. Then he whispered, “I’m very sorry about this Rin. You know if I could take it all back now I would.”
I nudged my head and looked up at him. Although I was just about to say something when he suddenly lowered his head and pulled me, leaning in to cover my lips with his. I was absolutely taken by surprise, so much that I stood still with my arms at my sides and my eyes widened as he wrapped his arms around me again. I guess when he didn’t feel me respond to him, he slightly backed away only to lean in again and deepen the kiss as I continued to stand still. The instant I felt his lips again, my eyes started filling up with tears but I tried holding them back as much as I could. When I closed my eyes, I felt them start to trickle down my cheeks, my hands tightly clutched at my sides until I felt my fingernails dig into my palms and they started to slightly shake. My body started to slightly tremble and I felt him tighten his embrace. He held me like he’d done so many times in the past, where I felt like nothing could ever go wrong. But that time, the embrace was wrong in itself. Yet my body and soul yearned for it, needed to feel it even if it was for one last time. So I slowly lifted my arms, reaching up to him but my mind yelled,
‘NO! DON’T DO IT. DON’T GIVE IN. THIS CAN’T HAPPEN!’
Yet my heart cried at the same time, ‘YOU LOVE HIM, YOU’VE ALWAYS HAVE AND HE LOVES YOU TOO. DON’T LET HIM GO!’
I always loved him but I was never one to follow my heart; instinct and reason were what overpowered me, putting me where I was before. That time though, I just didn’t care what reason had to say. All I knew was that I needed him near me and there was no reason that could’ve made me change my mind. So I reached up and wrapped my arms around him, pulling him in as I gave myself into his kiss. I used the kiss to tell him how much I loved and needed him because words weren’t going to be enough, showing him was the only way I had.
He tightened his arms around me as I felt tears trickling down my cheeks. At that point, I wasn’t able to tell if they were his or mine. I reached up and wrapped my hand around his neck and pulled him in. Many emotions flowed through me as I thought back to when he’d found me after I disappeared the first time. I thought back to the kiss that allowed him to feel everything I’d gone through and that kiss felt exactly the same. But that time, it was both of us; our souls exchanged our feelings to each other. My emotions of when he’d been shot flowed through him, making him start to tremble. His feelings of when he found out that I left drifted through me, making more tears start to fall. His turmoil of when he found out that I had died in the accident ran through me, making me tremble and my turmoil of finding out that he was getting married flowed through him and made his tears start to fall again.
We both had our good share of emotions but none were as strong as the last, the ones when we both finally realized that we’d lost each other. To be honest, I just couldn’t hold on anymore, it was becoming too much for me and I had to break away. I pulled back and wrapped my arms around him, resting my chin on his shoulder. I shook my head, “I’m sorry, I can’t… take anymore.”
He leaned in and rested his chin on my shoulder, whispering, “It’s ok my angel. You know I’ll do anything to keep you happy.”
I closed my eyes and just couldn’t take anymore of the torture; it wasn’t making me happy. I couldn’t even endure the kiss; I couldn’t ease his pain like he’d done to me so many times. I couldn’t do anything for him and it tore at my heart. I hated the fact that I needed him so much and wasn’t able to give him enough in return. So I had to leave, I had to get out of there otherwise I was not going to be able to let him go. So I loosened my arms around him and pulled back to face him again. I looked up at him and saw a lone tear roll down his cheek. I lifted my hand up to his cheek and wiped it away with my thumb as I looked into his eyes, lightly, “Be happy Sess, live the life you always dreamed of. Have the family you always wanted even though it won’t be me giving it to you.” I shook my head, “Don’t worry about me, I will make it through this even if it won’t be with you. My life will never be the same without you but I’ll survive thanks to you.” I felt him loosen his arms around me and slid his hands down to my waist. His face filled up with despair as he realized that it was time for us to part. He remained silent, his eyes begging me not to go but I couldn’t grant him that wish, it was just impossible. I lifted my other hand and held his face in my hands, pulling him and pressing our foreheads together as I whispered, “Please…” He closed his eyes and that’s when I lowered his head down to place a kiss on his forehead, whispering, “Goodbye, Sesshomaru.” Before I slipped out his grasp and walked away from him, not giving him a chance to speak. I didn’t turn to look at him and kept biting my lower lip so I wouldn’t start to cry again.
My heart shattered into pieces that moment, having to step away from the one thing that ever gave my life any meaning. I felt my soul split in two when I left my other half behind inside the study. But I’d gotten what I wanted, although, it really wasn’t what I wanted anymore, for Sesshomaru to finally be happy with someone else.
When I stepped out of the study, Ayame was sitting on a chair that was nearby, waiting to find out what happened. Once she noticed I’d walked out, she stood and I heard her take a step towards me, worried, “What happened?”
I never even looked at her just stopped and stood still, looking straight ahead. I remained silent for a couple of seconds before I was finally able to answer her, “It’s done.” But by the end, I just couldn’t hold on any longer and I felt sobs threatening to escape again. I never even gave her a chance to respond when I started running towards my room, sobbing uncontrollably. I quickly ran up the stairs, the sobs nearly choking me as I finally entered my room and slammed the door shut behind me. Leaning onto it, I started slowly sliding down until I sat on the floor. I pulled my knees up to my chest and clutched tightly onto them as I cried violently into my arms.
I didn’t get any sleep that night either; I spent most of the night trying to cry my pain away but it was of no use. The wound was much too deep and it hurt to think about it but yet I couldn’t stop, for there was nothing else on my mind. The look in his eyes tore at my heart and made me cry even harder. Eventually, my body just gave up on me and I ended up passing out on the floor because of my violent sobbing. The world became nothing but black until I was able to regain consciousness again.
Happy new year to all and I hope everyone had a good time. Well, since it's a new I thought it would be nice to start off with a little update he he ^_^
Well, I can never say it enough, sorry for the delayed updates. But now I have something new to blame, Kingdom Hearts both I and II LOL ~_~
Not much I could say about the chapter or I'll ruin it for you ~_^ The aftermath and unexpected meetings, it's all I'm gonna say he he ~_^
Well, onto the story and PLEASE don't forget to leave me a review k? They just help to push me to update more often ^_^
Enjoy..
Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the InuYasha characters they belong to Rumiko Takahashi.
‘___’ Thought expressions
“Italic” Whisper expressions
Honestly, I felt my world collapse the night when Sesshomaru got married. It was as if my life had lost all meaning and there was nothing left to fill the void present in my heart. My conscience whispered “You did the right thing,” and repeated it over and over again until it kicked in but at the moment, it was just very hard to believe. I had to let him go I had to release him like he’d done to me when I ended up living alone. At that moment, I knew how he felt when I left and it hurt more to think that I made him go through it. Yet it felt that I was always the one left alone. It had been that way almost to the point where it was just unfair. I ALWAYS had to give up my most precious treasures in order for others to survive. I began to think that I was just meant to be that way since I had to give up what’s mine for others, even when it was the -one- thing that kept my world in one piece. But to be honest, I was left with no other choice but to move on and erase that part of my life I needed to leave it to float around in my head as a memory and nothing else, painfully hoping that someday it would fade away.
~*~*~*~
As for Sesshomaru, he never knew I’d been at his wedding. I don’t think he was even aware that I was alive. That night as I cried myself to sleep, he was with his wife… making… doing things that I just couldn’t bare to think about yet those thoughts were all I was able to. I managed to survive even though I became depressed but that was just the beginning; I was able to make it through the night yet I still had the rest of my life to go which scared me to death.I don’t think the newlyweds left on their honeymoon the next day. I remember Inuyasha saying something about Sesshomaru having some business issues he had to take care of before he was able to leave. That was when I made my final decision, I was going to stay but only until Sesshomaru returned from his honeymoon. Then I was going to return to New York and find a place of my own there. But if I was going to leave, I was going to need the things I’d left behind at the loft, IF they were still there. Although, I just couldn’t go and claim my things myself, I didn’t want Sesshomaru to see me yet, I just wasn’t ready. Also, his wife was going to be there since they were living in the loft until they found a house. I couldn’t believe he’d taken her to live at MY loft but I wasn’t angry nor resentful towards him, just saddened at how easily SHE had taken my place even though it wasn’t by choice. Luckily Kagome came up with an idea and borrowed Inuyasha’s truck so we could load my things.
We started heading towards the loft from Ayame’s house after she’d stopped by to pick me up. I sat back and looked out the window, like I’d always done as Kagome was driving. I shook my head and closed my eyes, “Kagome, this isn’t going to work.”
“Yes it will Rin, just trust me.”
I turned towards her; “All right but what if she asks who I am?”
She shrugged her shoulders; “I don’t know. We’ll just make up something, that you’re my friend or whatever.”
I shook my head again and quirked an eyebrow, “She’s not going to believe that, we look too much alike.”
She smiled and chuckled, “Oh come on Rin, be optimistic for once. It might turn out better than you think.” My eyes widened as a flashback came to me.
It was a flashback of the night when Sesshomaru had said the same thing to me, “Come on Rin, be optimistic for once. It may work out better than you expect.”
My eyes were starting to fill with tears so I quickly turned away from Kagome, hoping she didn’t notice. I hid my face from her by looking out the window and tried to inconspicuously wipe my eyes with my sleeve.
Worried, “Hey are you ok?”
I was able to quickly wipe my tears away and nodded, shifting to look out the window. Lightly, “Yeah, I’m ok.”
“Good,” was all she said before she turned her attention back to the road.
I remained silent for a while and tried to regain control of my emotions again. Once I was able to calm down, I took a deep breath. I kept my arm up and covered half of my face with my sleeve. I kept looking out and asked, serious, “What about if he’s there?” She remained silent. When I didn’t hear an answer from her, I turned towards her and shook my head; “I can’t let him see me when SHE’S there.”
She kept looking forward and sighed, “Well, if he’s there then… I guess we’ll just have to do it some other time when he’s not.”
I leaned back on the seat and sighed myself, “I just hope he isn’t, I don’t want anything to happen.”
“I don’t either but it’ll be ok. You’ll see.” When I glanced at her, she was smiling. My lips curled up into a smile as we kept on heading towards the loft.
About 10 minutes later, we entered the forest that headed towards the buildings. When the apartments came into view, my eyes began to fill with tears again. I closed them and they slowly began to roll down my cheeks as Kagome parked. I guess she noticed it and placed her hand on my arm, squeezing it gently. I opened my eyes and turned towards her, finding her with a serious look on her face as she slightly nodded, “Control, Rin. You’ve got to have absolute control otherwise you won’t be able to make it through this.” I reached up and wiped my eyes with my sleeves again and remained silent as I responded with only a nod. She smiled and pulled her hand way. She reached and opened her door, “All right, now come on. Let’s get this over with.” She opened the door and turned to step out. I stepped out of the truck as well and walked over to where she stood. She nudged her head towards the building, “Let’s go.”
I began to follow her as I looked around; I didn’t see Sesshomaru’s car anywhere and silently thanked the heavens for it. Then I turned towards Kagome as we approached the entrance door to the building, “I don’t see his car anywhere, I don’t think he’s home.”
As she opened the door for me, “Good, then it makes it easier but we must hurry. We have to finish before he comes back.”
I stepped in and walked towards the elevator, Kagome followed beside me as I pressed the up button. “I just hope we can, he may show up at any moment.”
As the elevator door opened, Kagome chuckled, “I hope so cause with the amount of crap that you have, I don’t know.” She couldn’t hold back and started to laugh.
As we stepped in, I playfully pushed her as I raised my eyebrow, “Liar, you have more useless crap than I do.” Then I pushed the fourth floor button.
She chuckled, “HEY, it’s not useless crap. Don’t you know that the unnecessary are our major necessities?”
I just rolled my eyes as the elevator doors opened, “Whatever Kagome.” We stepped out and finally made our way towards the door. When we stood in front of it, my hands suddenly became ICE COLD for my blood drained to my feet. Kagome knocked as I stood behind her, my nerves building up with every second as we waited for an answer. A few seconds later, someone finally answered and I moved to hide behind Kagome. A young woman answered the door. She looked to be about Kagome’s age but somehow her features made her look older yet she was still very attractive. Her black hair was picked up in a lazy bun held together by a clip, it looked to be pretty long as well. Some strands hung from the sides to accent her face; she had very strong features and didn’t seem to be a very friendly person either. Her dark eyes looked at us questioningly but somehow her gaze stopped at me.
Kagome smiled, “Good Afternoon, Kagura. Am I interrupting you?”
My eyes widened and silently gasped, ‘Oh my God, this is Sesshomaru’s wife.’
She looked at Kagome, her tone of voice sounding conceded, “Good Afternoon, Kagome, is it?”
I could tell Kagome didn’t like her tone of voice but made the effort of holding back from slapping her and acted friendly. She nodded, “Yes. I just hope I’m not interrupting anything important you might be doing but I need to ask you for a big favor.”
She shook her head slightly, “Nothing important. What is it?”
“I came by to pick up my sister’s things, I’m going to need them.”
Her eyes slightly widened and slightly shook her head again, “I don’t know. Sesshomaru keeps them locked inside one of the rooms.” She turned to look inside, “Actually, he never lets anyone go inside that room.” She turned back towards Kagome and I, “You might want to talk to him first, I don’t want him to have a fit about it.”
I couldn’t believe what I heard; he kept my room off limits. I couldn’t understand why he just didn’t get rid of them. By the look on Kagura’s face though, it looked like she was glad to get rid of the stuff, I’m sure they were in her way.
Kagome kept insisting, “Come on, Kagura. Look, if he has any questions tell him to call me. I’m sure he won’t mind me picking up the things, plus they did belong to MY sister so I have full right to take them with me.”
She remained quiet for a second and nodded, “Very well but are you going to carry them all by yourself?” Then she turned her gaze towards me.
Kagome shook her head and quickly pointed towards me, “Oh no. That’s why I brought my friend to help me. We’ll be right back, we just need to get some boxes from the car ok?”
She nodded, “All right.”
Kagome turned towards me and grabbed hold of my arm as she began to walk towards the elevator, lightly, “Come on.”
I followed her and when we stepped out of the building, I looked towards her, “Wow, that woman’s presence -alone- gives off bad vibes.”
Kagome snickered, “Yeah and that’s cause you haven’t seen her angry yet. Now THAT can get ugly.”
I looked towards the building as we approached the truck, ‘I can’t believe Sess was forced to marry such a bitch. I just hope she treats him well or she’ll have to take it up with me…’
That’s when Kagome interrupted my thoughts by poking me with one of the empty boxes. “Here, take this. Come on, stop daydreaming we don’t have much time,” as she handed me more boxes. Once we had all of them, we went back to the loft. When we entered it, I froze. Everything looked so different; nothing was how I had it before. The place looked horrible with tacky and tasteless decorations. I’m sure it was all HER doing. When we reached my bedroom, we encountered a problem. It seemed like Sesshomaru was the only one that had access to the key for the room, so Kagome pulled out something from her pocket and picked the lock.
My eyes widened as she stood and smiled, ‘I’m going to have to ask her where she learned that from later.’ Once the door was open, we went in and started to pack EVERYTHING. It took us about 45 minutes to get everything up and loaded onto the truck and luckily, Sesshomaru hadn’t showed up by then. Although, Kagura kept walking in as we were trying to pack, nosing and poking around the stuff. Luckily, we’d gotten rid of the pictures first otherwise she would’ve discovered our secret. Once everything was done, the room looked empty as if no one ever lived there before. Before we left, I took one last look at it, just reminisced before we finally left. As for my things, they were kept in Ayame’s storage area until I was ready to use them. Although that night, I cried myself to sleep again. I kept thinking back to the time when Sess and I lived in the loft together. I know I shouldn’t have felt that way but I hated Kagura, despised her for taking away my one and only.
Sesshomaru arrived about 10 minutes after we left because he called Kagome, enraged. Apparently, he thought that Kagura had gotten rid of the things. I assumed it wasn’t the first time she’d mentioned about getting rid of them. But once Kagome assured him that she’d was the one that took them and picked the lock, he calmed down. I mean he really had no other choice, she was right. She did have full right to my things, IF I were dead which he still thought I was. Ever since that moment though, I started to get a strange feeling that somehow his marriage was going to start to turn on end especially once he knew that I was alive.
~*~*~*~
It seemed that Sesshomaru finally had his things in order and was going to leave on his honeymoon in two days. The day before he was leaving though, he came over to Ayame’s house around the afternoon. As for me, I was forced to hide because he’d brought Kagura with him. I couldn’t let him see me with her there, I’m sure she would recognize me and would spoil all of my plans. Even though it wasn’t right, I wanted to feel him in my arms again even if it was for the last time. So I’m guessing Inuyasha and Ayame planned something and asked him to come back later that day but on his own. I’m not sure what excuse they used but it seemed that it had to be a clever one because SHE wouldn’t let him go anywhere alone. Although I was never aware of their plan, I spent the entire day locked in my room, not coming out for anything until that evening…I was sitting on my chair as I looked out from the inside of the room, as the sun set over the horizon. It had already disappeared and the stars were starting to appear on the dark portion of the sky, silent tears rolled down my cheeks as I faded away into my own world. But as I was “zoning”, someone knocked at the door and startled me.
I turned and wiped my cheek, regaining my composure again as I called out, “Who is it?”
Suddenly, the door opened and the maid stepped inside, “Sorry to bother you Miss Rin but Madam wants to speak to you. She said to wait for her in the study and she’ll meet you there.”
I curled my lips up to a smile and nodded, “All right, thank you.”
She slightly bowed and closed the door behind her. As for me, I turned to look out again and noticed that the moon had come into sight, seeing it nearly full. It was shining brightly against the dark sky as I finally stood and headed towards the door. I walked out and started making my way to the study, trying to calm myself and not have any signs that I was crying. I didn’t want Ayame to see me cry anymore, it only made me feel worse. When I arrived to it, I heard her voice come from the inside and for some reason, I forgot to knock. I guess I just assumed that she was talking to the maid. So I reached out and opened the door, stepping in as I said, “You wanted to… see…” I couldn’t even finish my sentence because my eyes widened and jaw dropped as my blood drained to my feet. I started to feel dizzy at the sight in front of me and stood perfectly still, my body going in absolute shock.
He quickly stood and turned towards me. There he stood in front of me again, his eyes almost as wide as mine and I could tell that he was in an intense shock as well. Our eyes locked and now that he was close, I was able to take his features in more clearly; he was a lot leaner and his face showed signs of fatigue, which tore at my heart. Also his eyes looked different, very different. They had lost their glow, their beautiful luster was gone but his gaze remained deep yet empty at the same time. His mouth opened as if he was trying to say something but nothing came out, he was speechless. I noticed him looking at me, taking my image in and processing it carefully, not believing that what was in front of him was true. Finally after many attempts he managed to say something, “R… Rin?”
Oh how I’d missed the sound of his voice. I missed it so much that it made my body shiver at the mere sound of it. I closed my mouth and tried to swallow, my throat had suddenly become dry and it made it difficult to. I kept looking at him, my emotions wrecking havoc throughout my body as I was able to force out a whisper, “Sess…” because it had become hard to talk. But I felt myself beginning to lose control; I didn’t want to cry, yet I had tears running down my cheeks. He remained silent and took a step closer, our eyes still locked and that’s when I noticed that his eyes were sparkling. I looked closer and realized that their sparkle was because they’d filled with tears. By then, I just couldn’t hold it anymore; I slightly lowered my head and closed my eyes as light sobs started to escape.
I felt my body weaken for it lost all of its strength that moment and my legs were not able to hold me up anymore. I swear I thought I was going to fall to the floor. Honestly, I had so many feelings; so many emotions running through me that it was overwhelming my body and I felt like I was going to pass out. Just when my knees were starting to give out, he came up to me and wrapped his arms around, pulling me close to him. When I felt him near me, I couldn’t hold back anymore and hid in the crook of his shoulder as I started sobbing uncontrollably. I wrapped my arms around his neck and clutched tightly onto his shirt as he turned to speak into my ear, his voice breaking, “Rin… my darling Rin… I can’t believe you’re alive. I…”
My body started to tremble and he tightened his grip, trying to steady me. I couldn’t even speak for the sobs just wouldn’t let me. I shook my head, lightly, “I’m sorry… I didn’t tell you… I couldn’t…” before I was choked by another sob.
He rested his chin on my shoulder and I felt him burying his face in my hair, as he started to cry. Lightly sobbing, “Why Rin? I promised to protect you didn’t I? I would’ve given anything for you. Why did you have to leave?”
I nodded as I tightly shut my eyes, still sobbing, “I know, I know but… I couldn’t stay. You already know why but please…” I whispered, “Please don’t be angry with me,” as another sob interrupted me. I kept tightly clutching onto him; I just didn’t want to let him go. He felt like heaven in my arms and I would’ve given everything to stay there. At that moment, nothing mattered to me, absolutely nothing. Just the fact that he was near me, that I was able to feel his warmth and have his soothing scent around me once again. Honestly, I regretted ever leaving him in the first place. I just couldn’t understand why, he was everything I wanted he had everything I needed. He was the perfect one and I pushed him away, I had to give him up but it was for that same reason that I had to let him go. I couldn’t keep him; I couldn’t let his kind heart get hurt again even though I had broken it. As I said before, I didn’t want to be the reason why the world would lose someone as perfect as him. Yes he meant the world to me, he was my sanity and my strength but I’d rather go insane than have him killed to preserve it. I was just not worthy of receiving that much from him, I was never worthy of him to begin with but fate brought him to me. Fate gave him back and in a twisted way reminded me of my unworthiness of him by nearly taking him away from me again. I couldn’t let that happen and the only way it wouldn’t, would be for me to walk away.
He shook his head, still sobbing, “No Rin, I could never be angry at you. I’m just angry at why things had to happen this way.” I wasn’t able to speak anymore, the sobs kept choking me to the point where I just couldn’t say anything. I could tell he felt the same way because I felt his tears fall onto my shoulder. As for Ayame, the moment Sess wrapped his arms around me, she sneaked out of the study and left us alone. We kept tightly clinging to each other, crying our hearts out to one another until we just couldn’t anymore. Once we were able to calm down again, we moved back to look at each other, seeing pain reflected in each other’s eyes. It hurt me to see into his, knowing that I was the one that had put the pain there.
We pulled each other in again and tightened our arms around one another. We remained silent just holding onto each other, not able to let go of one another anymore. I felt him tighten his arms, then he turned to speak into my ear and broke the silence, “I’m so glad you’re alive Rin… you don’t know just how much I’ve missed you… It’s been hell not having you with me, not knowing what happened to you. My life meaning nothing because you weren’t here with me… How I’ve wished, wanted to get to hold you again and never let go.”
I closed my eyes; “I missed you so much Sess. I was never able to stop thinking about you. You were always on my mind, that’s why I decided to come back.”
I felt his arms loosen their grip and he slightly pulled away from me, confused, “Come back, what do you mean? So… you weren’t in the accident?” I looked into his eyes and just shook my head, then turned to look away from him. He reached up and held onto my chin, quickly turning my head to meet his gaze. I could feel him tense up and his eyes had changed to clearly show that he was beginning to get angry. He looked into my eyes, “Then what happened to you Rin? Why did you disappear and not tell us you were alive?”
As I looked into his eyes again, I felt even worse. No one deserved to be lied to especially in the way I did. “I…” I pulled my chin away from his hand and turned around to face the window, “I was never on that plane, Sess. I went somewhere else. Although, I WAS supposed to be on it but… I missed it because…” I closed my eyes and images of that day flashed, thinking back to the moment that saved my life.
I felt him walk up and stood behind me, “You missed it because…”
I continued to look out the window, hating myself for having lied to him for so long. I lowered my head and sighed, “I missed it because I was having seconds thoughts about leaving you. I couldn’t make myself get on that plane Sess. Especially since I knew that it meant that I was going to leave you forever… and that precise moment saved me from ever getting on it. When I finally convinced myself to leave, the flight had already left. I guess no matter how, you always manage to save me.”
He remained silent for a second and I was able to feel that he held back from going off on me. I heard him sigh in frustration and turned to walk away from me. I turned around and saw him pacing around, running his hands through his hair as he tried to calm himself down. I knew he was furious at me and he had every right to be. But the thought of it just broke my heart and it made my eyes fill up with tears again until they started to roll down my cheeks. He stopped his pacing and looked at me, his eyes burning into me. He’d never looked at me that way before and I just couldn’t bear to look at him anymore. I looked away from him, “Then where did you go, how was it that your name was on the passengers’ list of that plane? I checked -every- airline that left around the same time and you only showed up on that one.”
I kept staring at the desk as I answered, “I left to New York and stayed with a friend of mine. She has a house over in the countryside, that’s where I was the entire time I was gone. As for the list, I had already checked in that’s why it showed up but I never got the chance to check out. I was never on the plane to begin with. So I decided to take another flight but I decided to use a different name. I took the flight under Hitomi Matsumoto."
Shocked, “What? How could it…? I remember seeing that name in the list but… how, why?”
I looked back at him; “I had a fake ID with me that a friend from high school had given me. It has my picture on it but it’s under the other name. That’s how I was able to buy the ticket under Hitomi.” I lowered my head again as tears continued to roll down my cheeks, “As to why, I did it was because I wanted to make sure no one would find me. I’ve always been a burden to everyone Sess. My entire life has always been like that and I was tired of it. I wanted to be away from everyone in hopes that they will be happy because I would no longer be around.”
That’s when I heard him nearly growl and walked up to me, reaching out to grab onto my arms. He tightened his grip as I lifted my head to look at him, his eyes full of rage. His once amber eyes looked almost a shade of red and his grip on my arms was starting to sting but nonetheless, I didn’t flinch but it only made more tears start to fall. I full out deserved any anger he shot towards me and I was willing to take it no matter in what way he did it. Angry, “You wanted everyone to be happy? You thought that pretending to be dead would make everything go back to how it used to? Well, it DIDN’T Rin. No one was happy. How do you think Ayame felt when she heard the news? She was torn apart, what about everyone else? I WASN’T happy. You think I would want you dead Rin! Everyone mourned for you, they cried for you...” I closed my eyes, I just couldn’t bear to look him anymore. My soul was breaking apart at his anger, yet I deserved it. All of a sudden, he violently shook me, calling out, “Damn it, look at me Rin. At least have the guts to face me when I’m talking to you.”
I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore as more kept rolling down my cheeks at his words, at his rage towards me and I tried to scream but I couldn’t. My voice was breaking again and it came out as a cry, “I’m sorry… I can’t. I hate seeing you angry like this with me and I can’t stand it. But… I deserve all of it. I’m nothing but a coward, I admit it and because of it, I’m not worthy of you, of any of you. I only hurt everyone, that’s all I’ve ever done Sess. My life is worth nothing and sometimes I wish that I was in the car accident with my parents. That way, I wouldn’t have hurt as many people as I already did…” I opened my eyes and looked up at him, seeing his eyes still filled with rage, “Do what you want to me, I don’t care what it is. Curse me, call me whatever, hit me, I don’t care, take out your anger at me just please… don’t be angry anymore. I don’t like it when you are.”
He continued to look at me and shook his head, his tone hard and icy, “You know I would never hit a woman much less you.” That’s when his tone fired up again, “And damn it Rin, what makes you think that you’re unworthy? NOTHING, absolutely -nothing- makes you unworthy. Is the negative the only thing you can think about? Haven’t you ever thought that perhaps the reason why you WEREN’T in the accident is because of the good you’ve done to others? You’re not a fucking curse Rin even if you consider yourself to be one. A curse doesn’t change lives, it ruins them and you’ve never done that to anyone. Stop calling yourself that because you’re not a damn curse. You’re a human being, a person of flesh and blood.” He sighed and lowered his head, as he lowered his tone of voice, “You know I hate when you think that about yourself and I just can’t tell you enough times that you’re not a curse but a gift to us all. But you run from it, you run from the truth. That was what hurt most of all, thinking that you left this world with that state of mind. It hurt to think that you would jeopardize your own chance for eternity. Yet if it was up to me, I wanted you here with me. I honestly thought I’d lost you forever. How do you think I felt? Thinking that the one thing that ever meant anything in my life was gone.”
By then he’d loosened the grip on my arms and it hurt more that when he was clutching onto it. I disregarded the pain and lowered my head; “I’m sorry Sess. I just couldn’t come back and put everyone in danger. I’m very sorry and I understand if you or everyone hates me. I deserve everything that comes to me because I lied to you, to everyone.”
“No, Rin. I could never hate you. No one hates you, everyone worries about your well being, that’s all.”
I closed my eyes as more tears kept falling. He was right, no one did and I couldn’t understand why they didn’t hate me or feel some resentment towards me. Even though I had a legitimate reason, I was sure the feeling was still there. But no, no one demonstrated it towards me and it hurt to think that I had caused all these people, my family, pain.
He sighed, "If only I would’ve…”
That’s when I realized that the time had come, it was time for me to let him go for good. Although, I just couldn’t do it but my mind kept telling me; “It is time. You have to let him go.”
“NO! I can’t.”
“You have to, it’s too late now. Let him go…”
It hurt to admit it but it was right, I had to let him go. So I shook my head, “You wouldn’t have been able to do anything, Sess. These things happen for a reason.”
His eyes widened and looked at me, “What reason would there be to tear us apart? Mainly, WHY?”
I didn’t know how to answer or what else to say to him. I really didn’t know the answer to it myself but I had to make it convincing. I had to make him see that it really was the only way but how was I going to convince him of doing something when I, myself didn’t believe it either. It just made the entire situation much worse. As I was looking at him, I noticed that his eyes had filled with more pain. Yet he always stood by me, even when he nearly lost his life for me, he never left my side. He would always refuse to leave the many times I kicked him out. He would always wait patiently outside in the hall, sitting on the floor until I would finally open the door and let him back in. I just didn’t want him to be there with me anymore, not because I didn’t love him, that just could never be, but because I didn’t want him to be hurt again. Although, my kicking him out caused more pain than the wound in his arm had caused. Yet no matter what, he was always there to help me stand every time I would fall. He truly didn’t deserve it; he didn’t deserve to go through the torture that he went through with me. The hell he had to go through to take me out of the one I was in. He deserved much more, a life without pain, a life that wasn’t surrounded by death, a life with nothing but happiness because that was all he brought me, pure heavenly happiness. Yet, fate beamed me as unworthy to keep him. I was not worth to have all the happiness that came with having him; I was not worth to live a normal life. I just never deserved to live the life I always wanted, the life where I could just be happy next to Sesshomaru.
I kept looking at him and slightly shook my head, lightly, “Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be,” as I tried to hold back a sob.
His eyes widened and he pulled me in for another embrace, he shook his head, “Don’t be ridiculous Rin. My love for you is never ending, you know that.”
I rested my chin on his shoulder, “So is mine but it’s too late now, much too late.”
“What do you mean?”
I pulled back slightly to face him again and reached behind to grab hold of his left hand, bringing it in front of me. I never released his hand as I looked up at him, signaling to him to look at it by lifting it a little, “You’re married remember?”
He looked down at his hand, at his gold wedding band and I could tell that it was when reality finally hit him, he was already married. Then he looked back up at me, curious, “Wait a minute, how did you know I was married?”
I kept looking into his eyes, “Inuyasha told me. I found about it the night before you got married, which was when I came back.”
His eyes widened, “WHAT?” They flashed red again and he released me. He snapped, angry, “Why didn’t you tell me then that you were back? Why did you wait until now? If I should’ve known I would’ve never married Kagura. I never wanted to marry her, I love you and you are the one I want to marry. I don’t give a shit about her; I would’ve canceled the wedding that instant.”
I shook my head and looked into his eyes, “I couldn’t stop you, Sess. I lost you the moment I left and I thought it was what you wanted. I found out about the arranged marriage the night of your party, when I was outside looking in.”
Shocked, “You were at the wedding?”
I nodded, “I didn’t plan on going but towards the end, I ended showing up there. But I couldn’t go inside; I didn’t have enough strength to see you with someone else. So I stayed outside, hiding in the trees and looking at you enjoy your reception as I silently cried because it wasn’t me.”
He ran a hand through his hair again as he hissed, “Rin, you are such an -idiot-. I can’t believe you kept this a secret.”
I lowered my head, “I know but it was already too late, I couldn’t do anything. Either way Sess, it’s still too late. There’s nothing that can be done.”
He suddenly walked up to me and grabbed onto my arms with a tight grip again. I looked at him as he yelled, “Why do you always do this Rin? Why do you give up so much for others, why? Why can’t you ever just give yourself something you want something YOUR heart wants? You can’t keep doing this Rin, you just can’t…”
I lowered my head as a tiny sob escaped me, “I’m sorry… I know… I can’t…”
Angrily, “Stop denying yourself of your life Rin. You as much as everyone else deserve to live it. You can’t keep pushing yourself away from it; it’ll only make it worse.” He lowered his head and sighed as he shook his head, “How long do you plan to live like this Rin? You’re hurting yourself, killing your beautiful spirit because you don't realize how special you truly are. Why do you think my father approved of you? Because you’re one of a kind, you’re selfless to the point where it is just unfair for you and you’d do anything to help others. That’s the reason why I fell in love with you, you stayed caring despite everything that happened to you. That is why I wanted to help you, to give you the life you deserve because you deserved that and more but now..."
He suddenly stopped and I felt his gaze upon me. He loosened his grip on my arms and I lifted my head to look at him. His eyes had softened, I guess that’s when he’d realized that it really was too late, even if it wasn’t what either of us wanted. In a way, he’d broken his promises to me, one where he swore that we would be together forever. The other where he was going to marry me and we were going to move on to raise the family we always dreamed of. Although, I didn’t blame him, it wasn’t his fault that he did. It was just circumstances that made them impossible to keep. I looked into his eyes; “You see what I mean now? Our love may still exist but it can never be, not anymore. Even though it’s arranged, it’s still real. Please try to understand that I don’t want to be labeled as a home breaker because I’m not.”
He lowered his head again and sighed as he hissed, “Damn it all to hell.” He knew I was telling the truth but I could tell that he was ready to throw everything to the wind but just couldn’t. He wasn’t a man of breaking any commitments he was involved in especially not when his family was involved.
I lifted my hand and cupped his cheek, lifting his head up to look at me as I caressed the side of his face, “Say goodbye to me now Sess because I won’t be here when you come back.”
He looked at me as he nudged his cheek into my palm. Then he lifted his hand to cover mine, “Why do you have to leave again? Can’t you just stay with your family? They need you here.”
I shook my head, sadly, “No, because all of it won’t be here with me. I’ll always be missing the biggest fragment of my heart. You, Sess and I won’t be able to handle seeing you with… your wife.”
He closed his eyes and winced as in pain when I said that. I know it hurt but it was the truth. He looked back at me, “Where will you go?”
“Away from here… to live my life without you and start over.”
He lifted his hand to the back of my head and pressed his forehead against mine. I closed my eyes as I felt his warm breath tickle my face. Then he whispered, “I’m very sorry about this Rin. You know if I could take it all back now I would.”
I nudged my head and looked up at him. Although I was just about to say something when he suddenly lowered his head and pulled me, leaning in to cover my lips with his. I was absolutely taken by surprise, so much that I stood still with my arms at my sides and my eyes widened as he wrapped his arms around me again. I guess when he didn’t feel me respond to him, he slightly backed away only to lean in again and deepen the kiss as I continued to stand still. The instant I felt his lips again, my eyes started filling up with tears but I tried holding them back as much as I could. When I closed my eyes, I felt them start to trickle down my cheeks, my hands tightly clutched at my sides until I felt my fingernails dig into my palms and they started to slightly shake. My body started to slightly tremble and I felt him tighten his embrace. He held me like he’d done so many times in the past, where I felt like nothing could ever go wrong. But that time, the embrace was wrong in itself. Yet my body and soul yearned for it, needed to feel it even if it was for one last time. So I slowly lifted my arms, reaching up to him but my mind yelled,
‘NO! DON’T DO IT. DON’T GIVE IN. THIS CAN’T HAPPEN!’
Yet my heart cried at the same time, ‘YOU LOVE HIM, YOU’VE ALWAYS HAVE AND HE LOVES YOU TOO. DON’T LET HIM GO!’
I always loved him but I was never one to follow my heart; instinct and reason were what overpowered me, putting me where I was before. That time though, I just didn’t care what reason had to say. All I knew was that I needed him near me and there was no reason that could’ve made me change my mind. So I reached up and wrapped my arms around him, pulling him in as I gave myself into his kiss. I used the kiss to tell him how much I loved and needed him because words weren’t going to be enough, showing him was the only way I had.
He tightened his arms around me as I felt tears trickling down my cheeks. At that point, I wasn’t able to tell if they were his or mine. I reached up and wrapped my hand around his neck and pulled him in. Many emotions flowed through me as I thought back to when he’d found me after I disappeared the first time. I thought back to the kiss that allowed him to feel everything I’d gone through and that kiss felt exactly the same. But that time, it was both of us; our souls exchanged our feelings to each other. My emotions of when he’d been shot flowed through him, making him start to tremble. His feelings of when he found out that I left drifted through me, making more tears start to fall. His turmoil of when he found out that I had died in the accident ran through me, making me tremble and my turmoil of finding out that he was getting married flowed through him and made his tears start to fall again.
We both had our good share of emotions but none were as strong as the last, the ones when we both finally realized that we’d lost each other. To be honest, I just couldn’t hold on anymore, it was becoming too much for me and I had to break away. I pulled back and wrapped my arms around him, resting my chin on his shoulder. I shook my head, “I’m sorry, I can’t… take anymore.”
He leaned in and rested his chin on my shoulder, whispering, “It’s ok my angel. You know I’ll do anything to keep you happy.”
I closed my eyes and just couldn’t take anymore of the torture; it wasn’t making me happy. I couldn’t even endure the kiss; I couldn’t ease his pain like he’d done to me so many times. I couldn’t do anything for him and it tore at my heart. I hated the fact that I needed him so much and wasn’t able to give him enough in return. So I had to leave, I had to get out of there otherwise I was not going to be able to let him go. So I loosened my arms around him and pulled back to face him again. I looked up at him and saw a lone tear roll down his cheek. I lifted my hand up to his cheek and wiped it away with my thumb as I looked into his eyes, lightly, “Be happy Sess, live the life you always dreamed of. Have the family you always wanted even though it won’t be me giving it to you.” I shook my head, “Don’t worry about me, I will make it through this even if it won’t be with you. My life will never be the same without you but I’ll survive thanks to you.” I felt him loosen his arms around me and slid his hands down to my waist. His face filled up with despair as he realized that it was time for us to part. He remained silent, his eyes begging me not to go but I couldn’t grant him that wish, it was just impossible. I lifted my other hand and held his face in my hands, pulling him and pressing our foreheads together as I whispered, “Please…” He closed his eyes and that’s when I lowered his head down to place a kiss on his forehead, whispering, “Goodbye, Sesshomaru.” Before I slipped out his grasp and walked away from him, not giving him a chance to speak. I didn’t turn to look at him and kept biting my lower lip so I wouldn’t start to cry again.
My heart shattered into pieces that moment, having to step away from the one thing that ever gave my life any meaning. I felt my soul split in two when I left my other half behind inside the study. But I’d gotten what I wanted, although, it really wasn’t what I wanted anymore, for Sesshomaru to finally be happy with someone else.
When I stepped out of the study, Ayame was sitting on a chair that was nearby, waiting to find out what happened. Once she noticed I’d walked out, she stood and I heard her take a step towards me, worried, “What happened?”
I never even looked at her just stopped and stood still, looking straight ahead. I remained silent for a couple of seconds before I was finally able to answer her, “It’s done.” But by the end, I just couldn’t hold on any longer and I felt sobs threatening to escape again. I never even gave her a chance to respond when I started running towards my room, sobbing uncontrollably. I quickly ran up the stairs, the sobs nearly choking me as I finally entered my room and slammed the door shut behind me. Leaning onto it, I started slowly sliding down until I sat on the floor. I pulled my knees up to my chest and clutched tightly onto them as I cried violently into my arms.
I didn’t get any sleep that night either; I spent most of the night trying to cry my pain away but it was of no use. The wound was much too deep and it hurt to think about it but yet I couldn’t stop, for there was nothing else on my mind. The look in his eyes tore at my heart and made me cry even harder. Eventually, my body just gave up on me and I ended up passing out on the floor because of my violent sobbing. The world became nothing but black until I was able to regain consciousness again.
~*~*~*~