InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Absolution ❯ Halo ( Chapter 7 )

A/N: Can you say finally? I seriously thought I was going to leave absolution behind after this chapter. It was reaaally hard! Especially because of the Taiyoukai meeting- ugh, ups? Lol. Any way this took very long because in between I had exams, more concerts, clubbing, and this was so dark and angsty I was just not in the mood. Anyway I have no idea what's going to happen in the next chapter except for the occasional detail. Thus feel free to give me ideas by reviewing.

On with this then, it really didn't turn out as I wanted. Too bad I guess, although I don't like it a bit, I'll live with it, because I'm not thinking in editing this fucker in a million years!

 

 

VII- Halo

You wear guilt
Like shackles on your feet
Like a halo in reverse
I can feel
The discomfort in your seat
And in your head it's worse
 
There's a pain
A famine in your heart
An aching to be free
Can't you see
All love's luxuries
Are here for you and me

Depeche Mode-Halo

 

The wetness of the moon flooded this bedroom.

With a thin blanket hugged against her body, her azure eyes tried to find solace in the darkness of that night, in the bathing thief moon.

A shaky sigh left her dry lips.

This hospital would forever haunt her mind.

She was still confused. Was confused the right word? She felt devastatingly sad, agony kept scratching her heart, and she constantly wanted to wail to the walls- she wanted to claw out her heart to keep the sorrow from hurting her further, from infecting her love, her heart, her mind…

But the causes of it, of the aching pain, it all seemed unreal. She still couldn't believe the man she loved now lied in a forlorn foreign bed, covered in pale green sheets. Because he'd saved her from what she was sure would be a most cruel fate… if the images that had been implanted on her mind were any proof.

The screams, the blood, her pleas, his pleasure, her death, his cruel laughter - things that didn't even exist, but that had been produced to rot her soul and that had lodged in her mind, didn't let her sleep, even though her mother had commanded her to do it.

But truth being said, she felt like fleeing every time the wind gushed stronger and the snow flew higher in the winter sky.

This man had a hold in her whole being. Even right now when she was certain she needed time to access her feelings, he still kept her here, managed to make her stay by his side. When she wasn't needed, when she didn't want to!

It was time for Inuyasha to stop being the center of her whole world, of her whole essence. He'd to stop to be all she had, because right now she didn't think she could leave again. Not after almost seeing him die. Thanking the Kami for his hanyou mixture blood, the brunette looking worn tried to suppress the images of his blood spilling over her face, as if accusing her. It was her fault!

All she had wanted to do when running was to give him peace. Peace from this sick addiction that connected them, and to be happy with Kikyo - because if he was happy, then she'd be happy too.

After almost seeing him dead, she'd realized how shockingly obsessed with him she was: Everything about him was special and precious. She wanted to hold him, proclaim her love every second she spent in contact with his treasured skin. But it hurt so much. Tears could mar her skin forever, it still hurt, they could carve an ocean deep grave, but it still hurt to know how much he didn't love her.

How little dignity she had, how little character did she have to fall too primitively for a man who'd never had a kind word to her. Who refused to say her name properly but in a rare occasion? Who treated her like a sex slave… worse a sex doll- with no feelings, with no heart, with no tears, with no pain.

It was enough, it was time to let go. She'd told this to herself earlier, then why didn't the same words work again? Why was she glued to the floor, overwhelmed by fear and guilt, but especially love?

His life was so much important than hers that she'd condemn herself to a life of pain, living it with him like she'd done so far, and falling asleep every night, drenched in her own tears?

Yes it was. And she was guilty for wanting to leave him, so bad, to save herself from the pain.

But love's luxuries, were only there for her. She was the only one loving, hurting, aching, craving - for him.

Of course he felt it too, but not for her. And for those twisted feelings he sought comfort in her.

How could Kikyo not love him, seeing how he looked at the sakura trees when they blossomed, or when he saw the little kids running around, with an enthralled look on his face, as if he'd give everything to share their liberty?

But Kikyo didn't love him, no. she was sure of it. Nonetheless Inuyasha did love her, and when he faced the demons that the ice hearted woman had implanted in his heart it was up to Kagome to let him know, to make him sure that he was meant to be loved.

What about her? Was she meant to suffer this prolonged and never answered aching?

Her azure sad and worn eyes fell on his slumped form, bandages covering his body through all of his mid section… She'd to guess that taking an ice spear through your guts, and having your flesh freezing shouldn't be easy. But right now Inuyasha was recuperating from both the ice attack as he was from her saving spiritual powers. They had affected some of his flesh, and slowed the healing process.

Her wandering eyes fell on her own hands this time. How long had she been a miko? Did her family know? Why hadn't anyone told her? She had these powers… what could she do with them? How to use them? For what? There were so many questions ringing her troubled mind…

A sigh of despair left her lips when her body hit one of the chairs near the tall window. Her heal fell against the wall in weariness. Her hair swirled and came loose from its leather weak restriction, waddling to her breasts and stomach, in a swift motion of dark curls which also caressed the back of the helping chair.

She was ethereal bathed in the glowing silvery moonlit.

Then silver sliver of salty water coursed her cold cheeks, as she deviated her blue eyes from him, and they once again observer the soaring snow.

I'm so sorry Yasha; I never wanted you to get hurt.

Was it true? She should hate him, for having hurt her so much. Why didn't she? Couldn't she? She'd never wanted him to hurt in any way, and again the weight of Inuyasha's precious life hovered over her.

Closing her eyes she felt haunted. She hadn't had a minute of sleep since Sesshomaru-sama had made arrangements for her to stay the night without questioning her.

Her family had embraced her and kissed her, showed how much they cherished her. Okaa-san was positively happy. Souta tried to hide it, with some gruffness she was sure he'd picked up from a certain hanyou, and jii-chan had asked her if she had been taken by a devilish demon.

Miroku had hugged her tight saying she didn't know what she'd done. Then she'd seen Inuyasha entering that cursed room, his stomach opened and his flesh oozing no blood, almost white, and she'd gone white herself. Struggling to get to him, without saying a word, but letting her loud shrieks and wails express her despair as she saw the man of her life been taken away - Happily it had been for the best.

Sango had asked for sorry as she rocked back and forth, until their conjoined sobs weren't mingling anymore, then she'd gone numb, and Sango still held her. Although she couldn't feel any real warmth from Kagome's body until they once again, hours later, landed their eyes in Inuyasha, now bandaged, and looking peaceful, without a grimace of pain- sedated of course.

Rin was as always very caring, and had talked to her, but between that and try to appease her fuming mate, she had chosen the obvious, and had left her here now.

Through it all, through those aching 14 hours she had neither eaten of slept.

Eating was out of the question seeing she'd to move from this room and she didn't think she was able to do so. Her soul was threading with his here, and refused to be pulled- of course she didn't knew this. She did felt, however, a great pull to keep her there, whenever she decided she'd to go, to leave and never again see him.

But eating wasn't the problem. She had no appetite, and if she ate, she'd probably throw up everything right now.

Nevertheless she still needed o sleep, and she was indeed sleepy. She could barely hold her eyelids higher than half-hooded, and her mouth kept opening in soft yawns, that troubled her breathing. Her head lolled chest wards, sometimes. The thin woman, felt weak, and looked even weaker, her eyes were rimmed with red, and there were dark shades under them. She was positively worn and exhausted.

But she couldn't sleep.

Every damn time she closed her eyes, she felt his blood on her face again, coating her being. Then when she opened her eyes, she was till there in the dream Shunran had implanted on her. And she remembered all so clearly, the details of the panther's illusion.

Inuyasha's claws, long sharp and defined, aiming at her, his cruel fanged smile mocking her, then her flesh being severed from her bonds, the feeling of those hard talons, scratching her bones, taking off her entrails… and she seeing it all, her open eyes contemplating her ripped open body, with a permanent silent scream, doused in horror, as he was blissfully rolling in her flesh and stolen crimson life essence. Loving it, enjoying it…

She was so sick, that the pain would be unbearable, and she again fell in a dark empty void.

When she woke up, it was no longer an imprinted image that'd wreck her.

It was a memory from some months ago.

They were together, as in every important moment she could recall in her life, they're together, and she was trying to tell him something, near the bed, escaping his sensuous assaults on her body. Feelings, scenery, expressions were blurry; she could only more or less distinguish words. She could however, watch it without listening them, since she'd never forget that episode, even though it was a horrid impressionist painting:

“She's cheating on you.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Kikyo she…”

Slap.

Thump.

Her body had thankfully hit the bed. But her head had hit the wall and a lazy groan followed as she, with a gingerly motion, felt the back of her head, looking for an injury. Thankfully there wasn't one. But gods, did it hurt! And it wasn't even what hurt the most.

He wasn't there anymore; the window announced his departure with a flowing pink curtain.

The void penetrated her again, and filled her teary orbs.

It was their second time. After the first when he hadn't called her by her name, but by an offending one, hers. But he'd forced her, holding her arms above her head, he'd whispered sweet nothing on her ear… that she'd to understand , how much he wanted her, needed her. It was a rare time when Inuyasha exposed at least some of his feelings. As her hands tried to debate him, he won her, and affirmed his superiority over her, through her unyielding love.

A love she didn't want to feel anymore. Recalling all those times, he'd been mean, hurting, demeaning, forceful, cold, uncaring- she felt the anger slamming full force into her.

She'd never been so angry before. He'd disgraced her and stripped her one too many times of her dignity. She'd given any and every thing she could offer to him... he'd only offered raw brutal and unmistaken pain.

And it was enough. She was going.

Getting up, with one last look to the wind revolved snow and at her love, she jumped when the door creaked, and opened.

Sango's voice echoed like thunder.

“Kagome? Where are you going?”

 

Her concerned dark eyes followed the motion of her mate's back as he strolled forward, his attention completely unconcerned with her worried gaze, as he ignored even Jakken who was only doing his duty as a retainer, of telling him who and how many of his lords were waiting for him in the conference room. Although protocol said that she could also accompany him in this situations, it was Inuyasha's place, as second in command, to be at his brothers right.

For now that would be impossible. Inuyasha was lying in a hospital bed with only Kagome's forlorn grey eyes as guard; she was convinced that would be enough. Although it was in fact his place, the Tai youkai that were expecting Sesshomaru for comfort and clarification, would be nonplussed about it.

After all the recent crushing of the greatest rival movements by the hanyou's hands would grant him the indulgence of rest.

She walked closer to her mate now, garbed in a fine silk Prussian blue iromuji pooling at her feet, the thick fuki dragging behind her swishing with her graceful small steps, and in the and a virginal white adorned with silver cranes obi that right now wasn't exactly easing her try to keep up with her powerful mate.

However when she reached his side, still maintaining her straight posture, one that Sesshomaru's governess, Mayu-san had ingrained in her brain and body since she was 17, her voice was heard not louder than a whisper, so that only her mate could hear her advice:

“Calm down lover.”

His golden darkened eyes darted momentarily to her seemingly nonchalant posture as she walked by his side. Jakken continued his infernal blabbering.

“…and Bothildr-sama and Awiti-sama have arrived just now my lord… Kigatsuku-sama is with them and is trying to appease them but I don't think he's having that much success… perhaps if I went there…”

“Jakken.”

It was a common thing for his name to be spoken when he let himself be carried away by his ambitions of pleasing his lord. However it was not common to be Rin and not Sesshomaru-sama to speak it that superior cold tone, one that Mayu-san had also taught her.

“Please attend to your other obligations. You'll be called when needed.”

Sesshomaru's eyes focused on his lady as she coolly dismissed his retainer. His big yellowy imp like eyes widened and he seemed positively offended by her statement, almost smirking, the lord of the western lands continued walking.

Biting of his tongue and trying to remember that the little brat was his powerful Lord's mate he scurried off with a constricted green face.

Sesshomaru would have found it amusing, had the situation not been as serious as it was.

“Did you dismiss my retainer for any reason in particular?” her silver comb glinted in the light of the corridors when she turned around to clash her dark eyes with his golden cold ones.

“Take a hold of your youki, I can feel it swiveling.” Her voice was collected and sharp and he knew she was right. He couldn't get a hold of his youki, it was...restless.

But what was one to do, when now not only he had his heir to the throne lying in an hospital bed, with a hole in his guts, but he'd to lead a conduct investigation to discover how in the seven hells had a spy escaped his elite and royal guard, seeing there was no way in hell that the panthers could have discovered the militia schedule, and Kagome had mentioned that they're aware of his brother's …relationship with Kikyou.

And most of all he'd at least 10 youkai in his officer, that as soon as they'd heard what had happened, had flown to Tokyo to hear him explain why had such a normally controlled antagonistic movement almost destroyed the governmental system- because this would throw economy in a frenzy, and well most of these Taiyoukai, although leaders by birthright, usually attained wealth and reputation not only by that, but also by major stockholding and owning entire corporations.

He'd too much things on his mind and since they'd found Kagome he'd been neglecting his mate. But he knew she understood, he was merely concerned with Inuyasha, another disaster like his brother losing his life would be tragic, people would lose faith in their governors. Not to mention that as much as he hated to admit it, it was his little brother there lying when he'd almost been frozen to death.

A sigh left his lips in an uncharacteristic show of emotion.

“You are not needed. I'll deal with them.”

“I want to.” As much as he wanted to exclude her from his duties as western lord, she wouldn't let him. No she was the lady of the west and she'd conquered her place at his side. At his side she would remain.

His shoulders tensed and his whole posture hardened and she knew he was going to rebut her desire. Without saying a word she stepped away from him and turned her back to her rigid mate, and walked straight forward to the oak large and heavy doors at the end of the hall.

Sesshomaru still a little mellow and most of all surprised and outraged by her sudden dismissive demeanor stood in the same place, back to the door she was opening, pondering her acts. Then in a hasty move he turned around and saw her opening that door. He'd calm his youki that was now tightly wrapped around his tall form. Smiling the lord of the west understood his mate's actions by giving him time to do it.

The Western door was thrown open by a slim feminine figure. All eyes in the noisy room turned to her and silence was made.

Garbed in her fine silk and satin and adorned by silver and a dark blue moon in her neck confirming her high status, the woman glided through the night darkened and candle lit large conference room. A long large wooden table prolonged through almost the entire length of the space. But the multiple sets of different colored eyes that hit her were far more frightening then the expanse of the room or the light in it. Rin was used to it though, and she knew that fear was not an option seeing half of the youkai in the room could smell it and all.

The first to get up was a European Taiyoukai. An Italian, and thus, given his culture, a very charming one. His Japanese was funny and too accentuated.

“Rin-sama! What a pleasure to have you join us!” Disregarding the social protocol rules, his tanned hands interrupted her curt nod and he kissed her hands, drawing out a small smile from her lips that Mayu-san would think as unacceptable and would anger Sesshomaru to no end. Raising his head slightly and recomposing from his bow, he threw her a dazzling smile and asked “And where may I ask is our lord Sesshomaru-sama?”

“Our lord will be joining us in a few seconds, Valentino-sama. He was busy with other obligations.” Her voice cold and collected was still smooth and non hostile, as she again made the hem of her iromuji whisper in the floor as she strolled over to Kigatsuku who bowed to the almost to the ground when she stepped in front of him.

“My lady.”

“You can go now, Kigatsuku-san. I'll attend to our guests.” Her eyes returned to the different sets that were sitting in the table. Some observing her amused, others with glistening loathe others with adoration, some with displeasure, and others with nonchalance. But she was used to it; she repeated to herself again, she was used to the different treatments she got. However, with her social status no one would dare defy her. Sometimes she wished they'd just spit whatever they'd to say out, so that they could be at rest, and she'd be clarified.

“If my lady doesn't oppose, I'd like to stay.” Kigatsuku was an old West servant and Mayu-san's mate, it was not like she could deny him, and there was no need to do so.

Kindly nodding, she accessed for a second to her mating bond inconspicuously looking for Sesshomaru, the little thread of him inside her. He was still agitated and she resolved that she could wait longer. Sitting in the smaller chair that was sided by both a bigger one and Kigatsuku at the head of the table she smiled coldly to all of them and chirped.

“Well, Hougei”

Some faces contorted in anger, but one, the one which had coldly and nonchalantly contemplated her entering, was the only one who answered.

He was a cold demon, living in Siberia, and Taiyoukai of Russia, everything in him indicated coldness and a calculating demeanor- he was only surpassed by Sesshomaru. Long blond hair fell across his shoulder to his immaculate white furs, not was downy as her mate's Mokomoko-sama. His eyes were a dark blue, darker than her mating mark, and not only his fangs were sharpened, as they were very long. He was a white wolf youkai. And he didn't seem pleased. His Japanese was a snarl, much like the authentic Russian tongue.

“I thrust none of my lords obligations are more important than us.”

She calmed herself before answering him, knowing that is particular canine nature would make him sniff every emotion on her. Ice seeped in her veins, a condition she'd learned from Sesshomaru, not Mayu-san this time. The same cold smile from the welcoming rooted on her lips and she leaned slightly backwards her hands neatly folded on her lap.

“Nothing is more important to Sesshomaru than his brothers in arms.”

The statement in itself was very normal, usual even. But said by her, it indicated a certain level of intimacy that none of them in that table had reached, nor would they ever reach. She'd called him by his given name, she'd called them brothers in arms, and all those expressions prove to them that she entered his mind indeed, although not youkai, she bore her mark proudly and with dignity. She showed them she was a proper and adequate mate to their lord. Some smirks of amusement and congratulations appeared in some lips. And she jubilated inside.

But Borislav, the chilly Taiyoukai faced her with ivory expression, every wrinkle of his 30 so appearance carved in his alabaster skin. He was pissed off. Inwardly a smirk graced her features.

“Now now, let's not get antic.” The only female Taiyoukai rose from her sit and bowed at Rin, who responded with a short nod. This was different. Awiti was a lion youkai, who'd spent her entire youth in the western court. She had fancied Sesshomaru, and although Rin's grandparents weren't even thought at the time, she'd known by Mayu-san and eventually by him. It wasn't like he wasn't a great, great catch, he was handsome, wealthy and had social status (at least this was how these Youkai bitches thought). Besides she was dead gorgeous, exotically gorgeous with her dark caramel skin plump lips and hazel eyes and her wild though rough golden mane, her six foot figure and strange brown leather, she was different and appealing and Rin, although Lady of the Western lands was still insecure. Right now, though she appreciated the kindness showed by the often warm Youkai and smiled.

“Indeed let's not” There were times when Sesshomaru was caring and warmth to her, and light and love. And then there were times when… he was downright scary. This was one of these times. Strolling inside the room with Jakken once again on his haunches, the demon lord made all the Youkai stand the moment his voice was heard. Rin rose from her sit too and smiled at him. Only a slight twinkle in his eyes assured him that he corresponded the feeling. Then he came to her, his beautiful silken sky blue suikan and dark blue hakama clashing against Mokomoko-sama that wrapped around his shoulder to whisper just above the ground as he walked. Positioning himself just in front of his majestic wooden carved chair and facing his subordinates he offered his hand to Rin, wordlessly and without a look, and they sat at the same time.

Golden cold eyes stopped unemotionally in the Italian bobcat youkai with his slightly upturned nose and olive complexion, dark tresses falling to his face.

“Valentino-kakka.”

The man's dark eyes shot upwards immediately. His pointy ears with tufts in the end twitching slightly.

“You'd know that I do not appreciate such intimacy with my mate.”

“Yes Sesshomaru-sama.” He offered. There was no real regret, but that was because he had had no ill intent. Sesshomaru knew it too, but he'd make a stand.

“As for you, Borislav Pétrovitch, you would know there are few matters that are more important to me than my subjects. However my family is one of those few.”

His aura reminded her of an ever cooler and icy Sesshomaru that she'd fallen in love with. And she was pleased by it, because he was still Sesshomaru-sama, the White dog lord, the Inu no Taisho, the Lord of the west, but with her he was simply Sesshomaru. A look of adoration fell on her face as she continued to observe him. Borislav released an “Aa, wagakimi” and Sesshomaru didn't even concede him his eyes again.

“You dislocated from your regions and countries as soon as you heard about my brother's victory, speak up.”

No one seemed interested in talking and exposing to their lord the problem. Not until a man with at least 7 foot rose from his chair to bow to his lord deeply. Sesshomaru gave him word.

“Speak your mind Bothildr-Kakka” Ambassador Bothildr was a very bulky and large figure, who towered over anyone in the room. He had neither good nor ill intentions per se, being a pragmatic man the bear from the Norwegian, ruled not only that domain but Iceland, Sweden, Finland. As a pragmatic man, he'd one major concern- survival. Survival of the fittest, of companies, of youkai, and besides all that he was the sire of a hanyou child and was notorious for studying their unstable nature.

“My lord what brought us here was concern. We wonder if Inuyasha-sama is alright, and how did he crush the Kurohyou movement? The woman we took notice in a month was she found already? Furthermore my lord, we are indeed worried, did the ningen see what happened? Was there espionage involved?” His clear blue gaze had never wavered, his voice was ever the firm one, his beard covered face strong yet unyielding. His facial expression wasn't an unkind one; it asked sincerity and clarity though.

All eyes fell on the Inu youkai waiting for a reply.

“Inuyasha, we hope, will be recuperated in due time. He was able to crush the movement, because the foolish leaders walked right inside Ota sure of their own victory, because they'd confused the Western militia. My brother was able to beat them all and recover Miss Kagome that until then had been… staying at an acquaintance house, and that had been captured by the illusionist Shunran.”

“That's very nice to know my lord, but with all due respect, we are here to know if we are going to be affected- if ningen saw what happened, they won't understand but popularity and stocks are going to start dropping chaotically.” With the top of his head covered with a keffiyeh, more commonly known as Arafat, locked in the crown of his head with an uncommon silver agal, and eyes the color of dusty sand, his whole complexion looked sick. He was between the sandy and golden color but it was pretty obvious his skin was harder than any normal skin should be. His eyebrows were made from small bony saliencies, like those in a lizard; obviously he represented the deserts, the Middle East. Abdul-Majid remained quiet and waited for his lord's reply.

“Kigatsuku” he indicated the man behind him “made sure the smallest amount of ningen was around at the time, Abdul-Majid. Besides, I expect a mating in my house soon.” Rin almost swooned and almost called him kawaii with starry eyes and a girlie smile and a giggle. Almost. “And when the mating, does occur it will have plenty of media covering to make all ningen forget this incident and increase their fondness for the house of the West.

“My lord, you speak of a mating!” Awiti seemed outraged “how can this be that a member of the house of the west has been courted and none of us knew! We should've had the time and right to do our proposals.”

The cold Inu youkai took notice of that and seeing their hardened faces, including Bothildr's who'd always dreamed about marrying his child to Inuyasha, he replied sighing instead of silently dwelling, golden eyes clashing with her once ever submissive hazel eyes.

“Awiti-kakka, This Sesshomaru assures you that the courting was not nearly official.”

“What? How?!”

“Control yourself Awiti!” snapping back, she calmed down and looked strangely at him, almost savagely, Bothildr's eyes peeping from behind her tall slender frame.

“He is but a child in youkai matters. He was playing with what he felt and at a certain point the rope snapped and they flew to different directions. It is hard to explain and I shouldn't desire to so without my ototo's permission”

“This however does not matter, seeing I see her fit for a place in my house and for the place besides Inuyasha. Nothing official has come out of it. But being human, she'll increase our popularity.

“And if they don't get together?”

“I'll not sell my brother Bothildr-kakka. If Inuyasha does wish to marry your daughter I'll be the first to congratulate you. As he does not, I congratulate him for his adoration of Higurashi-san. Are we clear?”

Bothildr, the larger than a boulder man, merely nodded dutifully and turned blue eyes to the glass of water.

A Chinese dragon youkai rose to bow to the lord and Sesshomaru gave him word.

“Speak your mind Hong Zheng”

“My lord” his skin was a sickly white and skin moustaches fell from the corners of his upper lip, as did the ends of his brows. Rin fought the need to grimace. “However important as it is for Inuyasha-sama to get married, I must ask about an equally concerning … topic: Is there already a investigation coursing to find out the spy in your army.”

Sesshomaru twisted his nose.

“Indeed gentleman, I am ever aware of our need to so. I suspect though, that the panthers weren't the ones behind it. A greater threat watches from the shadows…”

ªªªªª ;ªÂªÂªÂªÂªÂªÂ&# 170;ªªªªªª ;ªª

Sango still faced her best friend scared, as if she was going to run at anytime she took her weary eyes from Kagome.

“Stop doing that” ordered the younger, with satin ebony hair to the chestnut eyes woman, who widened said orbs dazedly and gingerly.

“Kags, don't be loud.” Her moan was irritating the younger woman.

“Sango no baka. You should go to Miroku so that he can rub your feet and warm you.”

Her tone although light hearted reminded Sango that this was her best friend and that she had been broken and shattered when after being used almost into vagueness, almost to the point of identity loss, surpassing dignity and love. And the one who'd done it to her had been Yasha, her best friend Yasha, who used to eat apples with her in his big gardens inside and outside the shiro, with Miroku, relishing in quietness and peace. Kagome didn't have the things she had with Miroku, with the person she loved. How sad was that? That her best friend, an artist had denigrated herself almost to oblivion of non existential freedom.

“Kagome…”

Teary eyes that had been resting over the figure lying in bed met hers, and the stormy blue was positively conflicted.

“You know, I thought, “You're a strong woman Kagome, you really are, and you can do this” and I said to myself that I'd this for the both of us. He deserved to be happy and loved, and if I got out of the picture then we could forget each other and he'd be happy with Kikyo, and I'd be happy if he was happy…” all of this she'd blurted in half a minute. Tears following her words in a desperate torrent, sobs would come later.

Sango reacted immediately nearing her, embracing her quaking shoulders, facing the outside of Tokyo with her, the moon lightening both of them.

“I was so angry at him… But believe me Kagome he… he completely lost it when he thought you were dead, when he thought you'd ran away. He stayed youkai for days, locked in the diamond room protected by Miroku's sutras, he burned himself and he clawed at himself and he chewed himself…”Sango sighed and tried to see Kagome's expression. Perhaps if she understood through her ex-lover's acts how sorry for his previous actions he was, she'd indeed forgive him.

But forgiveness, absolution, was not an easy indulgence.

“I've done it too Sango.” She sighed softly “I've just done it alone and my teeth and claws are just humans, I can't make that big of a show. What I mean is that I suffered for the last two years, a pain so overwhelming that it threatened to explode inside me, make my body to shreds. I had to open it to lose the pressure. Do you understand?” Turning to her friend when she'd had her back to Sango's chest the whole time, pleasing stormy blue found dark chestnut and she repeated “Do you understand what I mean?”

Silence carved their way in their hearts. And as much as Sango wanted to answer. She couldn't. She was unable to answer it because she was a pragmatic and realistic person, she dealt with pain the only way she knew, tossing it to a draw and closing it with a key inside herself. Not Kagome, no, Kagome was an artist, and artists tended to feel so much more. And she did, she had pain carved in her body, in her eyes, in her mind and soul.

“I guess not” melancholia coating her voice as she neared the window. “I tried time and time again to get rid of it. And when I finally wasn't trying, guess what, I find myself falling to the Sumida-gawa and thinking that now Inuyasha could be happy, because I'd be out of his picture forever. And at the same time I loved him more and more, because every second that passes it grows inside me, I love him more and more, and I wanted to see him then but I couldn't…”

A fit of sobs rocked her entire body and she leaned in more into Sango. Her speech verging on illogical and irrational.

“But I don't want to Sango, I don't want to but there's something inside me, I love him. No…I don't think what I feel even describes as love. Its far more pushing and painful and demanding, and I love it and… I hate it… But Inuyasha has never offered me anything but pain! He offered me no love, no stability and none other than the occasional comfort and I… I'm just tired Sango”

The other woman petted her hair gently as Kagome cried on her shoulder arms drawn back to her own sobbing chest as she fit between Sango's warming arms that although did not offer comprehension, held compassion and warmth and understanding.

Her sob continue to heave fat tears from her very core, her throat coarse with the harsh talking, the back of her throat thickening with saliva, her vision blurry she emptied herself for Sango because she was done trying to do things by herself… that had never worked.

“I tried not to care for him at Jinenji-kun's; I tried to forget every moment and every touch I… I thought I had done it but then it all clashed back into me and I... How can I want him so? How can I want to fight for a love that has offered me nothing?” Outraged with herself for wanting, for wanting to have him back and kiss him and love him. How could she want this to herself? More pain? She had no more strength to fight for Inuyasha. But the feeling, they remained, promising nothing but pain.

“Hey Kags?”

The strong slim and feminine hand that had been petting her hair continued stroking it albeit more lightly. Blotchy and puffed precious gems of grey and blue, ever unusual among Japanese people, looked at her desperately; she clung to Sango as if she was her last hope as if she would change everything should she want to. Her chin quaked as she looked at the complacent woman.

”I don't have much to say but that I can understand what you are speaking but… I have a feeling Yasha is going to help you sort it out…”

For a single moment the darkness of the room became denser and thicker, and Kagome shook her head, and looked to the ground the mild chill making Sango shivered, and blood red eyes focused harshly. Her voice richer and fuller than the previous sobbing mess.

“It says I shouldn't.”

“Wha..? Who says?” Asked Sango suddenly, noticing the change in her friend even if not for a couple seconds. But seeing Kagome's natural eye color and still focused look, she disregarded it, finding Kagome now walking away from her, her form slumping in a chair where she'd spent the last hours, revolving her head.

“I should probably get some sleep too.” Sango looked at her with narrowed eyes and for a second Kagome feared she might know that she felt like she couldn't close her eyes never again. Those images, those memories…haunting her filling her with emotions that didn't belong to her… That flash of miko energy that had came out of her, the colors of those burning youki and the need to run made her want to cross her eyes until Sango interrupted.

“Well that's why I came back.” Sango's eyes fell in Inuyasha's form on the bed and they widened for a fraction of a second, then lowering them to her friend's she tried to be as softest as she could. “Kagome-chan, come home. It's not healthy to stay here all night. You've been here for a long time now, you're tired and I bet you haven't had dinner or even a snack-“

“Oh…” Kagome's voice, slightly higher than usual, rose and she interrupted Sango's concern. “I ate Sango, a nurse brought me food. Don't need to worry. I won't leave here.” Her fleshy lips stretched in a bittersweet smile.

Then she spoke no more, her eyes falling steadily on Inuyasha's covered form, her gaze never returning to Sango.

And the older one looked at the woman she'd grown to love like a sister, and felt a foreboding sensation coursed her from head to toe. Inuyasha had said she was just lost not dead and that he'd bring her back. Now that she was back and he'd fulfilled his promise, why did she look so deadly lost still? How come had she never felt all the overwhelming pain that Kagome's heart contained? Sure she'd known he'd hurt her, countless times, but she'd never thought it could be so bad. How could she ever think that she could let him if she just wanted too? She had no control over what she felt; something inside her compelled her so utterly to him that she'd always find her own self-judgment crushed by her feelings for him.

Now that she knew her best friend felt about Kagome like this too, it seemed easy, but at the same time was so complicated because there wasn't a white oblivion paint to make them forget what they'd suffered. And the lack of that pain was making Kagome finally crumble- after all this time, she was finally coming down.

And Sango felt tears prickling her eyes as she watched Kagome's nimble small pale frame rocking back and forth slightly, eyes locked on Inuyasha's form- she was forced to see her best friend follow a path of annihilation

On the threshold, and on her way out of the room, trying to blink the obnoxious liquid in her chestnut eyes, Kagome's monotone voice stopped her.

“Can you please inform Kaede-baa-chan that I'm going there to see her sometime soon?”

“Kagome… she's in Nagasaki for god's sake…”

“Just tell her, alright?” melancholic and soft Kagome pleaded without even a look.

And Sango had to acquiesce.

ªªªªª ;ªÂªÂªÂªÂªÂªÂ&# 170;ªªªªªª ;ªª

He forced his chest not to quicken with everyone of her sobs, but he could not ease the pain away, he could not wipe his tears, nor could he break free from the medical restraints, which bound him to a bed where he was forced to hear from the woman he loved, that she didn't want the feelings she'd for him, because he'd ruined from the inside out, there he was forced to hear that there was no hope of Absolution whatsoever. And his eyes closed heady with the pungent smell of tears staining his hospital gown.

Hours later when dawn was about to break loose he'd wake sweaty and nauseated. The sheets clogged in sweat as was his body and cold waked made him rock throughout the entire length of his being. Ripping the catheter from the veins in his arms and wincing at the feeling he stumbled to the slightly open door of the bathroom from where a thread of light escaped to the complete darkness of the large room.

Clammy large clawed hands reached for the walls or furniture anything that could give him support. He was just so tired, his stomach doing flip flops inside his body, he actually retched but threw up nothing leaving him only with an acrid taste in his mouth, and tears prickled his eyes. And a memory came from far away… from the land of dreams.

A memory indeed something he kept watching again and again in his brain.

Something that kept playing in his mind over and over- her blood itching under his claws, in his fangs in his genitalia, as he took away everything- dignity, purity, chastity, life…

Prostrating in front of the toilet, his weak knees hit the tile harshly and he winced both when he felt the impact as when a violent retch made him throw up something that felt cold inside him, but burned throughout his esophagus like acid- it reminded him of the feeling of Sesshomaru's venom.

Crying silently he prayed to die like this and forget everything, everything he'd ever done, he'd ever been, he'd dreamt. Everything-To just go away and stop the pain that threatened to reduce him to the foul vomit he now retched.

Until cold small hands pulled his hair back and caressed his forehead, tenderly and protectively, a supple body leaned on him from behind and a dry but plump lips pressed a kiss to the beginning of his spinal cord.

Then everything went back as another violent wave of nausea took him away from that scent.

Lilies, jasmine and sunshine.

Pursuing, pleasure, love, completion.

Hurt, pain, betrayal, guilt.

Inside his mind he choked on a scream, though in the darkness those cool weak and thin arms never let go of his pale, prostrated figure.

 

And when our worlds
They fall apart
When the walls come tumbling in
Though we may deserve it
It will be worth it
 
Bring your chains
Your lips of tragedy
And fall into my arms

Depeche mode- Halo