InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ As Long as You're Alive... ❯ As Long as You're Alive... ( Chapter 1 )

As Long as You're Alive…

 

“Inuyasha, I'm going back to my time for a few days,” Kagome said, her eyes looking a little unsure as she told me, her pack already slung on her back. Like always, my heart sunk when she said she was going home, but what could I do? Try to deny her the right to visit her family when she spent so little time with them was wrong, and besides…there was something I needed to do, something that would only be more difficult if she was around.

 

Like always, I pretended it didn't matter to me, if only so she wouldn't really know how much her leaving made me feel. “Keh, fine. It's not like I care or anything,” I muttered, stuffing my hands into my sleeves as always, turning away. I could already hear her angry stomp as she headed for the door of the hut.

 

“Whatever, I'll be back in three days,” she muttered, pushing through the bamboo curtain and leaving me once again. I could feel the glare of the others as they watched me just let her walk out again. I didn't know what they expected, since it was no different than how I acted before…

 

Did they expect something different now, that Kikyou was…I honestly didn't know what they expected me to do about Kagome, or what she wanted me to do…I didn't know what to do, with everything changed…

 

I guess my friends finally decided I wasn't going to go see Kagome off, but I didn't get why that was such a big shock to them; I never did. They filed out; each with their own glares and mutters, while I merely stayed in the hut with Kaede.

 

Kaede…that old hag reminded me of something I had yet to do, and something I had to. I didn't know how to say it at first, but the old hag, as always, knew when something was bothering me. “You're oddly quiet, Inuyasha,” she asked. “Did something happen on your last journey?”

 

That hag was far too smart for her own good. I didn't reply, but merely looked away as she began boiling some herbs. That was answer enough for her. “It has to do with my sister, doesn't it?” Never misses anything, that hag.

 

Sighing, I glanced down at the floor. “Yeah…” All the memories came flooding back to me…Naraku's chilling laugh as he told us Kikyou wouldn't live long…holding her in my arms, her body so cold and fragile…hearing her last words…

 

…Kissing her goodbye…

 

Don't get the wrong idea, here. It wasn't like I kissed her just because…Kikyou was dying in my arms, and all her life, she had to endure loneliness, and the time, fifty years ago, I had failed to bring her some happiness into her life. The half-life she had lived only added to the torture she was feeling. I just…I just wanted to give her some comfort and what she never had in life in her final moments.

 

I think she understood…she pretty much said so herself when she…

 

“Kaede-babaa…” For some reason, it was hard for me to tell her about Kikyou's death, even though I had told her this same phrase before. “Kikyou…she's gone…”

 

At this, the hag looked up and was surprised. “Inuyasha?”

 

“And she's not coming back…” I couldn't help it, I still felt a little torn up inside for not being able to save her, so when I looked down in guilt, it was all in truth. “She's finally at peace.”

 

The hag looked away, with sadness in her eyes. Even though Kikyou had died fifty years ago, I guess it was like reliving her death all over again for her. “I see…”

 

Just hearing her say that made all the guilt I carried ever since that day flare up again. I just thought…if I had gotten to Naraku sooner, if I had hit him harder, then perhaps… I wrung my hands in my lap, trying to find some way to apologize. “I wasn't able to save Kikyou…I'm sorry…” Once I had realized Naraku's true aim, then… “There was…nothing I could do.”

 

But like always, despite everything she knew I had done before, that old woman never seemed to blame me. Even as a kid, she was always like that…infuriating hag. “I see…It must have been hard on you too, Inuyasha.” I kept quiet, knowing that she knew me well enough to know how it felt seeing Kikyou die again.

 

With a sigh, Kaede went back to her work of boiling herbs, looking down into the pot as if in memory, “Kikyou-onee-sama has finally been released from a long time of suffering.”

 

I hoped so…I couldn't save her, or give her what she wanted out of life…but at least I hoped that in death, Kikyou is happy…

 

Besides that, there other things I had to discuss…other things I had to ask her that I was afraid of asking before...Things that had to do with Kagome…

 

But that hag was one step ahead of me. Looking back at me, she asked, “It's just that I wonder if all of Kikyou-onee-sama's duties have now been handed over to Kagome.”

 

She had caught on to my fear. “Yeah…so…” I didn't even care if I looked worried at that moment. “Do you think…that Kagome will be all right?”

 

The hag looked at me curiously. “Inuyasha?”

 

Sighing, I glanced down again and explained, “Before…Naraku was after Kikyou because she was the one who was going to purify the Shikon no Tama…Now that Kagome has the bow from Mount Azusa and Kikyou is no longer here…Naraku might be after her.”

 

Kaede went back to stirring her herbs. “From what I hear, the bow from Mount Azusa is a powerful weapon. Kagome must keep it on her at all times, so it'll form a connection with her heart.”

 

“A connection with her heart?”

 

“The bow derives its spiritual power from the purity of the individual,” Kaede explained simply. “The purer the heart, the greater the power. That is why she had to go through so many rigorous tasks that tested her heart at Mount Azusa. The spirit that protected the bow was trying to see ifshe was worthy.”

 

I glanced back towards the bamboo curtain of the hut, looking at where she had left. “She more than is,” I whispered softly, speaking what I knew was the truth. “Kagome has…the purest heart I have ever known.”

 

“Inuyasha…” I didn't care what the hag thought now. It was the truth as I had known it was for all the months I had known Kagome. She has the purest heart I have ever known, even purer than Kikyou's. Even purer than the heart of my mother. She is truly…a unique and incredible woman.

 

“Inuyasha, you don't have to worry about Kagome getting hurt,” the hag said, making me turn back. “After all, you will protect her with your life…”

 

I admit, the babaa caught me on that one. I had acknowledged it to myself, but had never really… But instead of doing something stupid and denying it, I merely clenched my fists at the proclamation and replied, “Yes…”

 

I could tell that old woman was smiling despite the fact that she turned away to hide it. Damn it all, why was everyone so fascinated by my relationship with Kagome? Didn't they have anything better to do than constantly worry about it and blame me when things went wrong? “You needn't worry about Kagome so much, Inuyasha,” she answered, thankfully not saying anything about what I had just promised. “Kagome is strong, and now with the bow from Mount Azusa, she will be even more powerful. What Kikyou-onee-sama was not able to complete, Kagome will finish.”

 

She spoke so assuredly of Kagome, that I could do nothing but nod. The babaa was right, Kagome was strong, but still, that didn't help dispel the worry. Without so much as a word of thanks, I stood up, and left Kaede's hut, trying to think about what she had said to me. She didn't blame me for Kikyou's death, as she never had, but…

 

I walked to Kikyou's grave. It had been a long time since I had visited it…because I couldn't bring myself to come here when she still walked the earth, but now… Kikyou, are you happy? I wondered as I stared at the little shrine, adorned with small, blue flowers. Are you finally at peace?

 

Somehow, by the wind that blew by, I knew she was. And thus, I knew the final goodbye was over. Kikyou was dead, and would never come back…my obligation to her was over now; ended as it should have been when she died fifty years ago. I had mourned, and now I would try to place it behind me. I would never forget her…not when she had been the first person to be kind to me and love me since my mother had died when I was a child, but now…all the guilt I had felt, I would have to let it go.

 

Naraku was still alive, and a threat in this world. I could no longer worry about Kikyou when Naraku's threat now turned to someone else I cared for—Kagome. Now that I was released from the promise I made Kikyou years ago, I could move on, I could give everything to Kagome, without regrets. And now, with Naraku out for her, that's what I would have to do.

 

Naraku…

 

Those thoughts made me scared. Kikyou had to give up her life as an ordinary woman when she took up those duties. If Kagome was now in Kikyou's place, would she have to give up her life, too? If it looked like it would happen, then I wanted her to go back to her world beyond the well, and live in peace.

 

It hurt, thinking about her not being at my side, but…I would have to do it. If I knew she was safe, and alive, it would make up for any separation that I was put through. But I could already feel loneliness seep into my heart at the thought.

 

No! I couldn't let my feelings get in the way of this decision. Kagome would be safe. She had family and friends there, and a whole other life. She wouldn't be alone.

 

I don't know how long I wandered after I visited Kikyou's grave. I went to Goshinboku, the tree that always seemed to make me breathe easier…the tree that made me feel a small connection to Kagome, despite the violence that had happened there fifty years earlier. I sat in its branches, and thought for a long time about Kagome, Kikyou, and Naraku. I cursed myself on how selfish I was. I wanted Kagome to be safe. But I also wanted her at my side.

 

But how could I let my feelings get in the way? That was the reason…that Kikyou…

 

“Hey, Inuyasha, are you up there?” The sound of that monk calling woke me from my thoughts. Judging by the position of the sun, it had probably been several hours. Several hours without Kagome…

 

I didn't jump down, but looked at the monk, the exterminator, and the kitsune at the bottom of the tree and asked, “What do you want?”

 

That brat was the first one to pipe up. “Well, aren't you going to go after Kagome? You usually can't last this long once she's gone back to her world beyond the well. You're pathetic.”

 

I was out of that tree in three seconds. “What did you call me?” I thumped the kid over the head, but only after it did I notice the bow from Mount Azusa was in his tiny hands. “Hey, what are you doing with this?” Kaede-babaa said it was supposed to be with Kagome…

 

After recovering from the large bump on his head and calling me a “Meanie,” Shippou said, “Kagome told me to take care of it when she went back to her world.”

 

“What?” She left it here? Willingly? Didn't the hag tell her she needed it with her? “Stupid! Why did you let her leave it here?” I growled, snatching up the bow.

 

“What do you mean, Inuyasha?” Miroku asked, with a curious look in his eyes. “Why is it so important that Kaede-sama have it with her?”

 

“Kaede-babaa said she needed it with her to form a connection with her heart,” I explained, ready and willing to head out and give it to her, just so it would form the connection, of course. I didn't want to stay and spoil her time she spent at home…not now, when she needed to be at home after so long.

 

“Form a connection with her heart?” Sango repeated. “You mean that bow is connected to Kagome-chan?”

 

I shrugged. I didn't know much about these strange miko powers anyway…never really had the desire to learn after that thing with Kikyou… “I guess, you'll have to get the hag to explain it, though, I didn't really understand it.”

 

“So, Inuyasha,” Miroku coughed, “Does this mean you'll be taking the bow back with you when you go to Kagome-sama's world?”

 

He was pulling something, I knew it. “Keh, if this bow needs to form a connection with her, than it should do it sooner than later. Besides, I ain't planning on staying. I'm just going back to give her the bow.”

 

I turned away, but I know they said something about me and Kagome when I turned around. I decided to ignore it, this once anyway. I had enough of people muttering about me and Kagome enough in the past few weeks, let alone today.

 

Without anything to distract me, I marched towards the well and jumped down it, feeling the usual weird sensation as I fell into the time stream. A second later, I emerged at the bottom of the well in Kagome's world, for some reason my heart lightening after being back here after all this time.

 

Keh, just give her the stupid bow and go, I had thought, sliding open the door and heading into the shrine courtyard, my nose and ears recoiling like always at the numerous scents and sounds of her world.

 

I didn't go in the front door, since I didn't want her family making a big deal and ending up staying longer. Her window was open, so I did the usual thing and jumped in, landing gently on her floor.

 

But she wasn't awake to ask why I was here with an annoyed look like always. When I found her, she was asleep at her desk. My heart lightened a bit, seeing here there, sleeping peacefully. Her gentle scent, which was all around the room, surrounded me, and while I watched her, I couldn't help but take a tiny sniff, feeling a wave of calmness rush over.

 

She wasn't wearing her usual clothes, which she once explained were for her school, so I guessed she didn't go that day. I brushed a lock of hair out of the way of her face, perhaps my fingers lingering a little too long on her cheek, but honestly, I didn't care anymore. Looking down, I saw she was huddled over her schoolbooks. Keh, how typical. Those lessons were torturing her again. What was worse, I saw those strange symbols and knew it was that `mahthe' thing that she hated the most.

 

Kagome was in a deep sleep, with a content look on her face that meant she was dreaming. Though I wanted to just leave the bow there, so she at least knew I came, I couldn't just leave her like this. I decided to sit on her bed and wait.

 

But after a few minutes…she just looked cold, sleeping there without a blanket. I couldn't help myself as I picked up the blanket and placed it around her, making sure she was completely covered. Then I turned, and sat back on her bed, watching her sleep. All throughout my silent vigil, my thoughts were of her, and her alone.

 

It was completely dark out by the time she started stirring, her dark brown eyes slowly opening as she yawned and spoke to herself, “Wha…my blanket…?”

 

That is when she turned, and saw me. Her eyes widened in surprise, and I swear my heart felt lighter at the moment. I had given her a blanket, and had watched over her. What was I supposed to say? “You're awake,” was all I could manage.

 

But then Kagome did something unexpected. Instead of asking why I was here, telling me to go, or thanking me; instead, tears formed in her eyes. My heart sank instantly, wondering what I did to make her like that.

 

Standing up quickly, I demanded, “Wh-what? What did I do?”

 

She wiped the tears from her eyes, but the emotion still lay there. “You came…” was all she said, in a small voice.

 

This was odd; she was never so worked up about me coming back to her world before. She usually didn't want me to come home when she did. Sighing, I remembered my purpose in coming and picked up the bow I had brought. “Yeah, here…” I handed it to her, and she stared at it, confused.

 

“The bow?”

 

Folding my arms in the usual stance, I explained, “Did you realize you left it back there? Kaede-babaa says that if you always carry it with you, it'll form a connection with your heart.”

 

Kagome glanced back down at the bow, looking more confused, but also a little bit determined. “I see…This isn't just an ordinary weapon.”

 

Perhaps her scent was getting to me, or with Kikyou gone, I was getting more nervous around Kagome. All I knew then was I had done the task of delivering the bow, and I no longer had a reason to stay there. Turning back towards the window, I replied, “That's right. Well, bye.”

 

I had just jumped up on the windowsill when Kagome, oddly upset, grabbed me by the hair and pulled me back. “Hey!” she yelled, and despite the temporary pain, I was worried about her actions. Tears once again appeared in her eyes as I looked back. “What are you wanting to go back all of a sudden? That's not like you!”

I blinked in surprise. She actually…wanted me to stay here? That wasn't like her either… “Huh?”

 

When I jumped back down into her room, she sat next to her bed and sighed, explaining. “Inuyasha…everyone's gone. Mama, Souta, and Jii-chan won a trip to the hot springs, school is closed, and all my friends are out without me…”

 

“No one's here?” Was she…lonely?

 

She sighed, and rested her head against her knees, which she had drawn up to her chest. “Even though I was finally able to come back…”

 

I had never seen Kagome look so lonely. My heart went out to her, and I wanted nothing more but to take her in my arms and hold her close, until she felt better, but I was still nervous around her… So, the only way to protect my real feelings was to give a less than sensitive reply, “Keh. Stupid, then why don't you just hurry back?”

 

Glaring at me, Kagome replied, “You might say that, but…” she looked down, her eyes full of loneliness once more, “I've got school tomorrow…and Mama and the others will probably be back, so…”

 

That was right…her school. And her family, and her friends… her whole life, before it went off track and she ended up in mine…fighting a dangerous evil in a world that was not even hers. “Kagome…you really like this world, don't you?”

 

“Eh?” she gave me a pondering look. But, I had never really thought about it before. Selfish I may have been, but I knew she lived in another world. I just never realized how much she had liked her world…how much it affected her. To always drag her back to mine, out of her safe and normal life was cruel. It wasn't fair to her, and either I had never realized or had never cared.

 

The thought of never caring for her made me feel sick at myself.

 

“Well, yeah,” Kagome answered my question as if it was nothing. “I was born and raised here…and I have family and friends too…”

 

My heart sunk even deeper into my chest. She really liked her world. And she didn't belong in mine. This was where she belonged, and I didn't belong here with her. We were different people from different worlds, so how could I ever have thought… “Like I said—”

 

She cut me off, “What's with this all of a sudden?”

 

Her eyes…I couldn't bear to look into her eyes. I glanced downward, taking a small breath to mentally prepare me for what I would have to say…for the good of Kagome. “How about…until the battle with Naraku is over…you just stay here?”

 

Her eyes opened wider in shock. “Huh?” I knew she didn't understand when her hand reached across my forehead and she asked, “Do you have a fever?”

 

I shook off her worries, “Hey, it's not like I was talking nonsense...” I didn't know what else to say. I told her I wanted her to stay in her world. It was for her own good, but…I looked down again as she continued to stay silent.

 

“Inuyasha…” I could already hear the change in her tone of voice. “Did you just come here to tell me that?” I knew I had made her sad again. I hated doing that, but…didn't she understand I just wanted her alive? As long as she was alive…as long as I knew she wasn't in any danger…

 

“Kagome…” I tried to explain, but she turned away, and I knew she was feeling hurt. What could I say to make it better? I didn't mean I didn't want her around, but…

 

“It's okay if I'm not around,” she said, her voice a bit harsh after my words. “That way you can go on a hot springs trip with Miroku and Sango.”

 

I didn't know her family leaving her behind like that would affect her so much. “No, I'm not going to a hot spring,” I muttered, in an attempt to explain. “I just thought…as long as you're safe and alive…”

 

She sighed, and rested her head against her bed. I don't know what she was thinking, but after a minute, she must have understood, because she replied, “Thanks, Inuyasha.”

 

“Huh?”

 

She turned around, smiling, which warmed my heart a little bit. “You were just thinking of me, weren't you?”

 

Of course I was. But her sudden mood change put me a bit on edge…I had experienced far too many `sits' from a wrong word said at a time like this, so I tried to play it careful. “Y-Yeah…I guess…”

 

Kagome smiled again, that smile that never failed to warm my heart, and then she leaned against me, making my heart race, as usual. “It's all right,” she spoke, words she had said many times before. “I'll always be with you.”

 

Those words…those words she had said so many times, and so many times, when Kikyou still wandered the world, I was not free to say what I had always wanted to. I could only remain in silence, hoping my meaning was felt rather than said. But Kikyou was gone, at peace, and now…everything I could give would now be given to this woman beside me. Kagome…

 

Gently, I reached out and took her hand. I could hear a little gasp she gave, as her eyes opened wider and she turned to me. Our eyes met, when at last, I could tell her the words I had wanted to say for a long time. “That's why…I will protect you with my life.”

 

As our eyes locked, not wanting to turn away, I knew I would give everything, even my soul to her, as long as I could keep her alive. As long as she was alive, I was happy. As long as she was alive, I felt at peace. As long as she was alive…I could feel emotions I had never expected to feel, not long ago when I believed that I would receive nothing in life for being a hanyou…

 

She was my life, my very purpose for living…I wouldn't just die for her, if I had to, I would go to Hell and back for her. Without her I was nothing; I wouldn't be able to survive.

 

And I wanted to prove it to her, right there and then.

 

I felt her hand close around mine. Somehow, we were closer than before…and I could hear her heart race as mine was…As her eyes closed, I knew there was no going back…and not that I wanted to…Nothing could stop us now…Not when we were so close…

 

“Nee-chan! We're home! What'cha doin'?”

 

I heard Kagome jump and cry out in shock as I felt my face being slammed into the floor. No, she hadn't sat me, but…the effects were pretty much the same. At that moment, I despised that kid with every bone in my body. Damn it all, why did her family have to come home at that moment? I cursed into the floor. I was so close, too!

 

She got up and met them, and when my face finally became unstuck from the floor I followed, muttering. Keh, I get my face slammed into the floor when I insult her, and when I try to kiss her? Go figure women…

 

Her family looked happy to see her, at any rate. “We're sorry, Kagome, were you lonely?” her mother asked. “We wanted you to come with us.”

 

She just smiled back as if nothing had just happened between us. “No…you could have taken a bit more time…” Keh, you got that right.

 

As she went to go talk with her family, I sighed in disappointment. Well, I suppose it was too early for that. I was free to say I would protect her, but…

 

Even so, a small smirk came to my face, unseen by others. She said she would be here for three days. There was still time…besides, perhaps we weren't ready quite yet, but someday, we would be.

 

And any wait for that day would be worth it.