InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Before The Fall: A Prologue of Sorts ❯ Kikyo's Monologue ( Chapter 3 )

Disclaimer: I do not, have not, nor will I ever own Inuyasha & Co. (sad as that may be), that honor belongs to Rumiko Takahashi. Furthermore, I do profess that I am making no money from this, only getting hours of enjoyment

Everyone thinks I'm a bitch.

No, I don't have any ideas otherwise. I can hear them, his friends, incessantly chattering though the thin dormitory walls. Not that it matters, I don't particularly care for any of them …though, come to think of it, I don't particularly care for many people.

I guess it comes from the fact that I've always been expected to be so much more than other people. Supposedly a strong miko from a noted family - the honored eldest daughter- trained from birth to carry on the traditions of the…I bore me. It bores me. Maybe it's the times we live in more so than my own disposition but deep down, in the places that I shut away from my family and the public, I bitterly resent this life chosen for me. Do you know what its like? Of course you don't, what have you been chosen for? It's awful. Everyone's eyes are always on you, asking you for something, admonishing you if you place one toe out of line. I thought college would let me get away but it's almost worse here. Specialized for demons and the spiritually inclined, everyone knows my name and they all fear me.

Fine. It's not like I need anyone anyway. I'm polite if distant. I don't mind helping the community and I do like children, but I also think most people are ignorant and worthless. I do have an image to maintain however. My reputation is of an utmost importance. You see, I represent something bigger than myself - I have a duty. Everyone knows that. But no one knows anything about me…

“Kikyo, I don't quite know what you're playing at…”Miroku said quietly as she walked out of Inuyasha's room.

“No, you don't.” She cut him off icily, “So don't presume to know anything.” The look on his face had been priceless. That was until the shock faded into a grim sort of determination. Pompous ass… “Really Miroku, if you go to Inuyasha and tell him that you think I'm up to something, who will he be more upset with?” She almost laughed as he deflated and conceded defeat with a slight nod of his head. Allowing herself a little smugness, she turned to leave when his quiet voice followed her.

“He'll figure it out, you know? Maybe not now but eventually he'll see though you, to who you really are.”

“You still presume too much monk. You have no idea who I am.” Damning the slight edge of panic in her voice, she spun on him with a cold smile only to have it falter slightly at the look of pity on his face.

“Perhaps I don't. But I think the real question is, do you?” At this, he left her standing there alone.

Pushing back the claustrophobic feeling that swept through her, she chose to let anger take its place. As it boiled into a rage, thoughts whipped through her mind. How dare he talk to her like that? How dare he imply that she didn't even know of her own desires? Arrogant, condescending, depraved…prick.

You're just afraid he's right…

No. Memories don't have power over me. It's stupid to even think about, especially now. It's almost time; I want to look good when I break up with him.

Inuyasha…

It wasn't supposed to go this far anyway. I just wanted to escape; from the weight of my duties to my family, from the pressures of med school, from my own untouchable persona. Carefully cultivated, it is most assuredly a prison of my own making. Even in a place like this, he is an anomaly, the physical manifestation of a practice both the demons and humans try to skirt around. Sure, you could be lovers, but to sire a child? Impermissible. In this modern age they cling to Old Ways. I knew he watched me, I could feel his eyes following me as I walked across campus. Still, in his shyness he was bold. No one else dared. Once I had set aside my indignation that he'd do such a thing, curiosity was left in its place. Maybe that's why I approached him…. I was just going to tell him to back off, you know? But he looked at me with these big, golden eyes full of such devotion and awe…and loneliness…it startled me. So I smiled. Just a little. Then I made some offhand remark about next time. I don't know who was more surprised, me or him.

I was hooked.

It kind of spiraled from there. One meeting became two, two became six and soon he was lurking closer and closer all the time. I'd talk to him sometimes, let him walk me to my class or carry my books home. When we did talk though, it was nice. In a way he understood my loneliness, we had that in common. I believe it was this loneliness that formed our relationship and also what held it together. We were never alone though - my reputation, you see…well except that once.

I've always wondered why Miroku finally approached me that day, he'd had over three months to say something and it was clear that he didn't like me. I've always wondered if he actually heard what was going on inside of that room…

“What?” She hated the note of uncertainty in his voice. He had never hesitated to do what she asked.

“Think about it. We could be together. Live together, have a normal life.” Lowering her eyes, she dropped her voice as well. “I could have a normal life, Inuyasha, the life I want.”

“But to become human? Fully human?”

“To rid yourself of your curse. Your demon blood is impure, it taints you. It's why we can never truly be with each other.” He flinched at her words but she held her resolve. Someone had to tell him the truth. “Once you purge yourself, we can be with each other always.” His face still held traces of uncertainty. Knowing what had to be done she placed her arms around him for the first time. Feeling him tense, she squeezed lightly before moving back just enough to see him. “Isn't that what you want, Inuyasha? To be with me?” Her voice was soft and tremulous, and she willed tears to balance perilously on her lashes. He nodded and she leaned up to kiss him for the first time. At the feel of one of his fangs touching her lip, she pulled away. “Then you'll do it.”

“Yes.” His voice held no trace of doubt now . She favored him with another slight smile as she left the room.

Was it my fault he couldn't see anything? Not even that that foolish girl was mooning over him? Of course I don't feel bad about Kagome; it was her fault for loving the boy. Besides, she has no claim to him, she barely knows him. She certainly can't understand him, not like I can…not that it matters anymore.

The thing is, when I made the proposition to him, I was desperate. I could see that he had other people now, people who wouldn't shun him like everybody else. He started to question me and doubt me. His eyes no longer saw me as perfect. Sure, everyone looks at me in awe but they're in awe of Kikyo, he was in awe of me. Or at least who I wanted to be. I was never so fragile and desolate as he believed, but I liked the attention. Is that really so awful? Doesn't everyone want someone around who worships them? Since that day however, he's been more and more needy and clingy as I've been pulling away. Yes I was lonely, and I genuinely like him at times but to live my life out with him? I knew it would never work with us; all he can offer me is a regular existence. While I certainly wish to be free of my responsibilities, I deserve more than a bastard former hanyou can provide. So I picked fights at everything I could and invented what I couldn't. I brought every salacious rumor about him to his doorstep and demanded he prove it untrue. I ignored him most of the time, speaking only to be harsh. And the fool that he is he not only refused to walk away, he came back for more. Even when all the affection in his eyes had died out and been replaced with pain. It was ridiculous. The party last month was the last straw -public displays like that were completely unacceptable. I haven't managed to keep the relationship secret -except from a particularly observant few- just to have him ruin it now. I don't want to think about what would happen if word got out that Kikyo was dating a hanyou.

So I find myself here now, waiting for him to show so I can split up with him. I wonder, am I doing the right thing? He loves me, I know he does. And being that loved is a heady feeling. And if I do this, that little idiot will be sure to take a crack at him…but it's not enough, his devotion. He doesn't trust me any more than I do him. And I don't. Why would I? He's half beast; it's in their nature to attack. Yes, I want to break up with him.

No...Devastate him. I want him to never want to say my name again but to always think it. Wherever he goes he will think of me, see me in every face; smell me in every gust of wind. I will leave my mark on him; claim my ownership so surely that every other woman who would ever go near him would know.

Perhaps you think this is wrong, to want to have such a hold on him. Maybe you're right. I don't care. He belongs to me, no matter if I want him or not, and he will never look at anyone else with such reverence again…

“Kikyo?”

Only me.

A/N: I just got my first review since putting up this chapter ( thanks youkaineko!) and I realized that I did make Kikyo an uberbitch , which wasn't exactly my intention. I don't dislike Kikyo in the anime/manga, she had her scorned ex issues going on, I understand. But I feel that minus the exciting feudal drama, she was a girl who was disappointed and lonely and due to that was a little self centered and selfish. I think of this chapter as more of her making excuses for why she's breaking it off, a tough girl who's not really so tough, who wants her ex to always want her. And she is kind of a bitch in the early episodes so…

Another A/N: I did a little revising to the chapter, adding some, taking some away, not so much to change Kikyo's bitchiness level, but more to show that there is some internal debate over Inuyasha. How could she not care about him at all, loveable boy he is?