InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Beyond Friendship: Be Who You Are ❯ The Wrong Reasons ( Chapter 3 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Chapter 3 - The Wrong Reasons

..And I don't want the world to see me

Coz I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's meant to be broken

I just want you to know who I am…

-The GooGoo Dolls- "Iris"

It took only a few moments but time had never passed more slowly for Inuyasha than when he remained in his bow to Sesshoumaru. Inuyasha began to feel his palm sweat, heart thundering in his chest. The late afternoon sun, which had seemed so mellow and pleasant just a moment ago, now seemed to beat down on him with concentrated intensity. He hated remaining bowed to anyone but it would be impudence to straighten when Sesshoumaru hadn't given him permission to do so and he, Inuyasha, was the one seeking a favor here.

Please say yes, please say yes, he prayed.

Sesshoumaru finally gestured for him to straighten. Inuyasha did so slowly and looked at him carefully. Sesshoumaru was looking at him, thoughtful and considering. He still hadn't given his answer and it was impossible to discern anything from his face.

"Why?" the demon Lord asked at length.

Inuyasha was stumped. He had been prepared for taunts, arrogance, a refusal. He had retorts and arguments burning on the tip of his tongue but what kind of a response was this?

"What do you mean?" he asked, frowning. Was he playing some kind of a game?

"Why do you wish to learn fighting?" To anyone else, he would told them to mind their own business and just give him a straight answer but somehow coming from Sesshoumaru, the question did not seem offensive- more like the ancient masters of the art gauging a pupil.

"To become strong," Inuyasha replied. Wasn't it obvious? Why else would anyone want to learn to fight?

But apparently, that was not the answer the youkai was looking for.

"Why do you desire this strength?"

Inuyasha looked away. So far, the youkai had made no derogatory remarks about him or attempted to demean him in any way. He had, instead, asked only two simple, straightforward questions, but this was getting a bit…uncomfortable. He hated revealing his reasons to anyone, least of all a stranger. His real reasons were very personal. To tell him why he wanted to be strong, he would have to admit the youkai that he was once weak. It was embarrassing to reveal his vulnerabilities. He'd usually just make some shit up or just bluster his way out of it but somehow, he did not think Sesshoumaru would tolerate lies.

"Because," he told him, "I want to be stronger than those shit-eaters who love to fuck with weaklings."

Sesshoumaru's eyes, burning with power, pierced his own and it seemed to the hanyou that they read his very soul - the words beneath the words…

-because I am tired of being bullied-

-because I won't be mocked at ever again-

-because I want to prove to everyone that I'm not some wimp-

"You will work hard to gain this strength?" Sesshoumaru asked.

"Yes!" Inuyasha replied immediately. "Whatever it takes!" And he meant it. He might not listen to his sensei much but he didn't really respect him. But this demon Lord had earned his respect with his deadly style and a very painful check mate.

"Whatever it takes…" Sesshoumaru repeated softly, giving him a very deliberating look.

"You want to be strong…you never want to be weak again…"

Yes, thought Inuyasha, relieved and elated and frightened all at once, yes that's exactly it…he understands…

Sesshoumaru turned gracefully and stood with his back to Inuyasha.

"No."

Inuyasha was dumbfounded for a second.

"What? No?" he almost shouted. His face reddened with humiliation and anger. So he'd been right all along…it had all been a game…

"You bastard…" he whispered. "All those questions…I thought you asked because you were at least considering it…"

He felt like an idiot. What had he been thinking? Hadn't his friends warned him? But he had gone and trusted him on instinct…

"You were gonna refuse all along, weren't you? You were just makin' fun of me…"

I thought you were different…

His hands were shaking at his sides. If it had been anyone else, he would have punched their lights out but he did not really look forward to being thrown off the balcony.

"You just wanted something to taunt me with; why would a pureblood youkai even consider training a hanyou?" His tone was bitter. He could taste his shattered illusions on his tongue. "I…I was honest with you…"

I revealed far too much of myself…

He turned to run, disappointment, anger and hurt wrenching his normally well-protected heart.

"Stop."

Inuyasha seethed. Fucking bastard thought he owned the world, did he? Damned if Inuyasha was going to take any more crap from him. But despite himself, he paused at the command.

"I did not refuse you because you are hanyou."

Inuyasha tsked impatiently, and shifted from one foot to the other, feet itching to dash away. Alright, so he made a mistake in judging him but just how dumb did the guy think he was?

"Look at me."

He didn't want to. He really didn't want to. Who did this asshole of a prince think he wa, ordering him around after the way he'd just insulted him? He wanted to gather his tattered pride and leave with dignity, without looking back.

But he didn't.

Slowly, Inuyasha turned around to face him. There was no hint of mockery or arrogance in his eyes. Inuyasha was confused. What did this mean?

"You weren't…just messin' with me?"

Sesshoumaru's face remained impassive. "No."

"Then why?" he blurted out. "Why won't you even give me a chance? I can prove to you that I'll train really hard; give it my best!"

"I am sure you will do everything in your power to gain this strength you desire," Sesshoumaru said.

He met Inuyasha's confused eyes.

"You long for this strength so ardently…but it is for the wrong reasons."

Inuyasha blinked in surprise and the youkai was gone.

_____________________________________________________________ _________

Inuyasha barely knew how he got home that day. His body had mechanically taken him to his house but his mind was working furiously.

Wrong reasons…what did that even mean? How was it so wrong? What was so wrong in what he had said? Why else would a person desire strength?

He unlatched the front door to his apartment and entered. The room was dark - cool and inviting. He closed the door behind him, absently dumped his bag on a chair and plopped down on the cushioned bench ledge near the window in the small living room.

He stared absently out the window. This was he favorite de-stressor; sitting in a quiet place and watching the sun change the colors of the sky. The sunlight was completely gone now and evening had fallen. He looked up at the grey, dull sky - it looked like it might rain later on in the night. The room was getting dark, but he did not feel like putting the lights on. Usually, it calmed his mind to just slow down for a bit and look at nature but today, his thoughts were in a whirl.

The wrong reasons…but they weren't wrong! He did not seek to harm anyone with his strength, did not want destruction, did not want power. Then why were they the wrong reasons? Did Sesshoumaru think otherwise? Should he go and explain to him?

He sighed.

No, he didn't need to. Somehow, he had the feeling that the demon Lord had understood perfectly. But…what was he missing?

Inuyasha went to bed that day without having his dinner. He had no appetite.

His sleep was disturbed with disquieting dreams- dreams that had not troubled him for a while now. He dreamed about fresh blood, an oily, far too familiar smile, cruel violet eyes, flowing wavy black locks and a purple crescent moon.

_____________________________________________________________ ___________

"You asked Sesshoumaru to teach you to fight?"

This incredulous question, in varying tones, was pretty much the reaction he had got from all his friends as if they could not quite believe his guts or stupidity. Inuyasha had got into the habit of discussing some everyday problems with his new friends; there was nothing, he discovered, like having someone take your side when you felt like bitching about something. But today, the result was anything but helpful.

"He said no…"

Kagome and Miroku gave him a look that said, obviously. Kikyou rolled her eyes. Sango didn't say anything. Inuyasha was surprised. Didn't they even want to know why he had refused? Was it so unimaginable that he could have said yes?

"Why are you so prejudiced against him?" Inuyasha finally asked, frustrated. He told them why Sesshoumaru had refused.

"So," he concluded. "What do you guys think he meant?"

"He's lying, obviously," Kagome told him. "He just didn't want to take the trouble so he came up with a lame excuse." She gave him a slightly pitying look. "Gosh I can't believe you fell for that, Inuyasha…you must have been pretty desperate to learn from him…"

"Well duh," Kikyou smirked. "I mean the guy pretty much kicked his ass, right?" She also looked amused. "Come on…did you really think the guy was gonna give you the time of the day after how easily he beat you?"

Inuyasha looked from one to the other, stunned. This was not the reaction he'd been expecting. He had expected his friends to understand.

"Come on, you guys," he tried. "He's not that kind of a guy…he wouldn't just…you know, lie like that!"

Kikyou smirked. "Well, well…if we didn't know better, we'd think you had a crush on that guy, Inuyasha."

Inuyasha went very still but Kikyou seemed not to notice.

"But even you're not that much of a weirdo," she conceded.

"What'd ya mean?" Inuyasha asked, trying to be casual, but his heart was beating a mile a minute.

"Well, obviously that you're not a poof, Inuyasha," Kagome consoled him, glaring at Kikyo. "Like Jakoutsu."

"Jakotsu?" Inuyasha asked.

"He's Bankotsu's boyfriend," Miroku supplied awkwardly.

"Same sex relationships are common among demons," shrugged Inuyasha. He hadn't yet seen this Jakotsu guy around school.

"Of course…because they are mindless beasts," Sango spoke up. Inuyasha looked at her in surprise. She was the last person he'd expect to be so prejudiced.

"What're you talking about? It's just a natural way of life, guys."

All his friends turned to him and looked at him like they'd just found out he had a very contagious disease.

"Natural?" Kagome asked disbelievingly. "It's gross…disgusting! They…they do it!"

Inuyasha just looked blank. The expression on his face said so? But he couldn't bring himself to say it out loud and risk revealing his own secret crush on the youkai. But fortunately for him, the others took it to mean he didn't know what Kagome was talking about.

"They fuck," Sango told him bluntly. "Jakotsu likes a dick shoved up his ass. You think that's normal?" Her eyes were hard and steady. "You think it's ok to go against nature's way of doing things and satisfying every disgusting, perverted urge that comes to you? Jakotsu's a freak, Inuyasha. He's mentally unstable. He needs to be in an asylum."

"An asylum?" Inuyasha asked disbelievingly.

Kikyou shrugged. "Well, if it were up to me, I'd make sure not to come 5 meters near him. Would probably get herpes or something…"

She snickered and Kagome joined her.

"Inuyasha," Miroku said softly, taking him by the arm and steering him a little away from the others since he looked like he was about to explode. "You have to get real here, buddy. Of course your reasons were not wrong reasons…that's clear as daylight…they guy was just fooling with you…maybe you should stay away from him a bit…he's not exactly…a good person to be around…"

"What're you talking about?" Inuyasha demanded. "I wanna know why he refused me! Shouldn't I at least know the reason?"

"You already know the reason, Inuyasha," Miroku told him gently. "You just don't want to accept it…"

For the first time, Inuyasha looked at his newfound friends and saw strangers. How was it they refused to even consider the fact that he was right in his judgment? When Kagome couldn't hear what both of them were talking about in soft voices, she came up to them impatiently.

"And why do you want to learn from him, of all people?" Kagome wrinkled her nose.. "The guy's a total jerk! I mean, it's a good thing he said no. Otherwise he'd probably order you around and treat you like crap all the time."

Inuyasha stared at her. "The guy's the best, Kagome. You always try and learn from the best. And as far as him being a jerk is concerned-" he shrugged. "Youkai are a bit rougher in their training than humans."

"It's not a question of being rough in training," Kagome told him in a no-nonsense manner. "Can't you see how he treats his 'friends'?" She gestured out the window towards Jaken, Sesshoumaru and Kouga, who were lunging around. Sesshoumaru and Kouga were sitting on a bench of some kind while Jaken was sitting on the floor near Sesshoumaru. He did not seem to consider the position at all degrading.

Kagome turned back at Inuyasha angrily. "Like dogs! He'd probably treat you even worse! Do you think you should have any kind of interaction with a guy like that with no sense of decency or respect for others?" she demanded.

Inuyasha remained silent and for the first time this school had begun, he wished the lunch hour would just get over so that he could get away from everyone.

_____________________________________________________________ __________

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" Inuyasha mumbled gruffly to Sesshoumaru after school. Kouga, who was with him, gave Inuyasha a questioning look. Jaken made a disgusted face. Sesshoumaru silently got up and followed Inuyasha some distance away from his friends.

"What did you mean?" Inuyasha asked finally. "Why are they the wrong reasons? I just don't want to be weak…why is that so wrong?"

Sesshoumaru smiled his rare smile and Inuyasha's heart stuttered. Why'd he have to be so fucking beautiful?

"You were thinking about it…"

Inuyasha rolled his eyes. "Yeah well I could hardly not since you blew me off!"

"You could not figure it out…"

Inuyasha reddened. Was the youkai calling him stupid?

"Well duh! If I had got it, I wouldn't be asking you, would I?"

Sesshoumaru stepped closer and Inuyasha was suddenly uncomfortable. He glanced on his either side, discreetly making sure he wouldn't get cornered. But Sesshoumaru seemed satisfied with his reaction, as if he'd expected it.

"Because," he murmured, "your desire to be strong comes from fear." Inuyasha was confused for a moment as his crush's proximity made thinking -and other things- hard. Then his face darkened into a thunderous scowl.

"Fuck you! I ain't afraid of no one!"

"You are," Sesshoumaru smiled. "You're so afraid…that you can't even admit it to yourself."

Inuyasha grabbed him by the collar. So what if he got a beating for disrespecting 'his highness'? It was totally worth it!

"Listen here, jackass. I've always fought my own battles, survived some shit that'd make you piss in your pants and I'll be damned if I let some prissy son of a bitch call me a wimp."

Inuyasha looked at him in wonder as the demon Lord did not seem even remotely fazed by his colorful language.

"I did not say you're a coward, Inuyasha." Sesshoumaru replied simply, making no move to get Inuyasha to release him. "I said you're afraid."

"Same difference," Inuyasha snarled.

"No," Sesshoumaru said. "No, it is not."

Inuyasha's hands slackened and he slowly dropped them back to his side. "In the end," he mumbled. "you're just sayin' I'm too weak."

"You are weak-" Inuyasha's fist tightened, eyes becoming suspiciously damp.. "But only because you won't accept your fears."

Inuyasha's head snapped up, startled. "Accept? Accept my fears? What kind of a dumbass suggestion is that? You tryin' to make me a bloody wimp?"

"You want to be strong…because you're tired of being weak…because you're tired of being mocked for your weakness. But do you know something? People will mock you no matter how strong you are."

He glanced at Kagome and the others who were lost in their own talks. Inuyasha saw him look and his ears drooped a bit.

"People will always find something to mock you for."

"Ain't no one brave enough to mock you," Inuyasha mumbled.

Sesshoumaru lifted Inuyasha's chin gently to make the hanyou look at him. "People will mock you…if you let them."

"What're you talking about?" Inuyasha asked gruffly.

"Strength…true strength…is to be yourself…even when you're ashamed of who you are."

Inuyasha flushed bright red at this statement because it brought to his mind certain other things that reminded him of the huge crush he had had on the demon Lord.

"You can't always be yourself," he muttered. "if who you are…is something you should never be…"

Sesshoumaru smiled slightly. "If you attempt to change yourself according what everyone-"

He glanced at Inuyasha's friends.

"-expects you to be, you'll never be happy…be who you are."

Inuyasha looked at him searchingly. How did Sesshoumaru know what his friends had said?

"Why are you saying all this?" he asked finally.

"Because," Sesshoumaru replied, "I don't like you."

Inuyasha 's eyes widened.

"What the f-"

"That is," Sesshoumaru continued, overriding him, "I don't like…who you pretend to be."

Inuyasha cocked his head to the side a bit. "What do you know about me that you're so confidently saying I'm pretending?"

Sesshoumaru gave him a very superior look that said, Don't insult my intelligence.

Inuyasha scowled. "Fine then…how do you know that who I really am is better than this? Maybe my real self is far, far worse…"

"I have seen your eyes," Sesshoumaru told him.

Once again, Inuyasha was surprised. This demon Lord was the most unpredictable person he had ever met. "And?"

"There is beauty in them-"

Inuyasha blushed.

"-and pain-"

Wide, suddenly vulnerable eyes.

"-Don't hide it…"

White bangs covering the hurt. He knew. The youkai lord knew…that he was broken…

But strong, sure hands raised his head up.

"-at least not from me."

…And Inuyasha did not care anymore. Did not care that Sesshoumaru was a demon Lord and he was a hanyou…did not care that he had refused him…did not care that he was not ready for this…did not care that he would probably get his heart broken…did not care because Lord Sesshoumaru had effortlessly destroyed the walls around his heart with a few simple words.

"I have things in my past…that I can't reveal to anyone…ever…" Inuyasha could not stop the words from slipping from his lips. He had not even told his friends this.

Sesshoumaru smiled, dark amusement in his eyes. "But you want to…"

Inuyasha's throat was suddenly too tight because of the lump that that had formed. He could not talk and Sesshoumaru waited.

"You…you don't- don't…I won't alright? No one can ever know…"

Sesshoumaru inclined his head slightly, but somehow very arrogantly. "I am not just anyone."

Then he smiled that stupid, annoying far to knowing smile that made Inuyasha feel as if he could read his soul.

"Say what you really came to say, Inuyasha."

Inuyasha stared at him.

He couldn't…his friends. Finally, he had found friends…he just could not because otherwise…otherwise he would be all alone again…because Sesshoumaru would leave…just like everyone else…

They won't understand, Inuyasha thought miserably, They won't ever understand but I want you to know…

"I-" Inuyasha suddenly felt like he had sand in his mouth, his tongue was so dry. What was he supposed to say?

"You- you are beautiful…" Inuyasha blushed even as he said it and his eyes were firmly glued onto some point on the floor. God, he shouldn't be saying this but Sesshoumaru just was...there was no other word to describe him.

His mind said, You're an idiot and he's going to humiliate you for this!

And his heart said, Kiss me!

But neither happened.

"Saturday, 6.00 pm, my place."

Then Sesshoumaru walked away without a backward glance and Inuyasha stood staring after him, far too many thoughts running through his head-

-damn fucker always bosses me about-

-I came to ask him to fight and he made me confess my crush-

-He didn't kiss me-

-My friends can never know about this-

-I have a date with Sesshoumaru!-