InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Brief Moments ❯ My Darkness ( Chapter 18 )

Chapter 18

My Darkness

 

 

Sesshoumaru's dramatic exit had giving Inu Yasha the window for escape that he had been waiting for. He had had enough of family histories and cryptic fortunes. He was already on his feet with their sleeping bag in hand, when Kagome began asking her questions to Karen. He was resolved not to ask why she felt the need to start another conversation. All he wanted was to sleep.

 

“Karen, I have to know how Rin is able to share Sesshoumaru's feelings. She hasn't…I mean…she doesn't even know what kissing is.” Kagome stumbled over her words as she tried to find a polite way to explain Rin's current sexual status.

 

“Rin has not yet experienced a man's touch. That is very true, but why do you believe she would need this? Why do you think that sex has anything to do with this ability?” Karen questioned.

 

“I wasn't able to do it until…”

 

“Come now, that is not true. You have always had the ability. You simply did not allow yourself to use it- that is, until you were forced to do so. Only recently, did you accept the possibility of being a miko. You came to this decision for the sake of the man you loved. You made no effort to accept it otherwise.”

 

“Ok, that's true. Then what makes me so special. Rin is just as powerful as I am. I've seen what she can do. She purified Sesshoumaru without being affected. I couldn't have done that.”

 

Karen fought with her heart's wish to speak out as the group waited for her words. It would have been so easy in that moment to give Kagome the truth about her Yasha blood. However, Karen had finally stumbled upon the one thing she could not command; her daughter's will. Shinta might have been willing to accept telling Kagome the truth, but the daughter that Karen had given him would not allow it. As far as the “woman,” Yumeko Higurashi, was concerned, Kagome was 100% human.

 

Hiding the pain within her heart, Karen began to explain, “Rin has an unfair advantage.”

 

“The youki…” Kagome whispered.

 

“I knew you would notice it on your own.” Karen smiled as she said it.

 

“Youki?” Miroku asked.

 

“She doesn't know it's there. I hadn't caught it until after Karen taught me to scan my own power.” Kagome explained.

 

“Ah, but she does know it is there. She does not remember the majority of her life before meeting my son. Therefore, she does not know why the youki is there. This is what you are feeling…her lack of confusion about its existence. Rin is not completely human. Like InuYasha, she is a hanyou. I believe her father was a yasha.”

 

Miroku had to cut in, “You're saying that Rin is powerful, because she knows that she is part yasha?”

 

“Rin is powerful because she does not doubt who she is. She accepts that she has these powers, because she has no reason to doubt them. This is the only reality she knows. Since she has not been shown her abilities, she has never learned her limitations. She simply experiments and learns with each new outcome. The Yasha blood does make her stronger physically. Although, she would be powerful without the knowledge of the youki, because she does not doubt herself.”

 

********

 

Sesshoumaru plopped down as hard as he could against the hard wood of the tree. The action had forced the halts of his swords to slam sideways into his thigh, causing a sharp pain that helped to numb his emotions. For a moment only, he felt nothing but the swords digging into his body. He closed his eyes and savored the distraction and the darkness that the trees veiled him in. Leaning his head back, he let it roll until his face turn toward the source of his unrest, and opening his eyes, he could still see Karen standing with them. `Soon I can leave this place,' he told himself. `She will not win. I am not some horse that she can use as a stud! To think that she would use me to bait nobility, and use Rin to be my tether,” he snorted, “she is too wrong.”

 

As angry as he was, Sesshoumaru had sworn an oath to the Empress, and duty forced him to stay were he was; regardless of the war that was raging within him. As he watched the distant figures move about in the fire light, Rin was making her way slowly towards him. He shifted to renew the pain, but it was not enough to hold back the feeling he had for Rin. He wanted her with him more than he wanted to hate Karen for the humiliation that she had brought upon him.

 

He had no intention on moving from the spot unless he had to. He simply sat there and watched Rin come closer and closer. Rin's slender form was backlit by the fire. “A shadow escaping the light,” he whispered as he waited for her, “You should be engulfed in light, but you would choose the darkness. Why do you do this, Rin?” He couldn't watch her come any closer, he closed his eyes and focused on the sound of the forest beside him.

 

Rin had stopped several feet from him. Kneeling down into the grass, she placed her hands on her lap and waited without a sound. Something about her presence was too overpowering for him to bear. He had been closer to raging fires that had given off less heat than her delicate body.

 

`Why do I want to touch her so damn much? My body's not aroused. Why is it that I can't get her out of my mind?' He closed his eye and held them closed as tightly as he could.

 

Rin took it upon herself to stand and walk around Sesshoumaru. When she saw that he was not going to look up at her, she sat herself as close to his side as she could. “Sesshoumaru-sama, aren't those uncomfortable?” She asked looking down at the swords that were digging into the dirt and pressed again his body.

 

“I feel nothing,” he answered with dry lips. He was straining against the urge to look at her.

 

She looked into his face, and said in a soft voice, “Sesshoumaru-sama…um, you look like you feel pain.”

 

The battle was lost to him before he had even started to truly fight, and he knew it; she had forced him to open those eyes and look at her. Explaining his present state was out of the question; instead, he rose to his knees and began to make himself more comfortable. He removed the swords and laid them down within easy reach. As he began to work on his armor, Rin made her move. Lifting her kimono slightly to free her legs, her hands moved towards him. He had already untied the sash that was around his waist, so Rin took hold of the armor's edges on both sides.

 

Feeling her warmth settle around him, his body tensed and froze. He fought his dry mouth to manage the question, “What are you doing?”

 

“I'm trying to help you, Sesshoumaru-sama,” she announced in her ever cheerful voice. She was finding it a challenge to loosen the straps with her delicate fingers, but she was not about to let them stop her. “Karen told me that I'm supposed to help you.”

 

He remained frozen until she made a tiny sound that signaled her triumph over the strap. He wasn't content to let her lift the thing from him, instead he placed his hand at the center edge of the heavy garment; and began to lift it on his own. Trying to keep his words plain and without feeling, he asked, “Why would I need such help?”

 

Rin also pushed upward. Her insistence on helping forced him to lift his arm and let her do the work. Normally, Sesshoumaru would've bent over to remove the armor. However, Rin was not used to this tasked. As Rin pushed upward, she overextended her reach. When the heavy mass cleared Sesshoumaru's head at an odd angle, Rin began to fall sideways with the armor dictating the angle of the fall.

 

One moment she was falling, but the next she was staring at the ground with the heavy thing in front of her. Her hands were still holding on to the armor and her arms were stretched tight before her. She was wondering why she wasn't on the ground. Then she realized that he had caught her fall. Hanging on Sesshoumaru's arm with her butt in the air, Rin let out a little giggle, and turned to look up at her motionless hero. He seemed more surprised than she that she was hanging there.

 

“Hee hee, I should let go, huh, Sesshoumaru-sama?” She giggled nervously.

 

“Rin,” was the best confirmation that he could manage.

 

If he had had another hand to brace her back, the moment wouldn't have been as awkward; but as it was, Rin had to turn her body towards his in order for her to straighten herself. It gave him a moment to hold her against him without guilt. He stared down at her and marveled at how she had held onto such a pleasant disposition. It was as if his hardness hadn't tainted her at all. He had seen her endure so much: she had been torn apart by the wolves; she had nearly been killed by Kohaku because Naraku had wanted Sesshoumaru's power; she had been nearly killed by the (members of the seven men army-look up the names); and this did not cover what she had suffered through before he had come to her. He had to wonder if she honestly did not remember her life before him, or did she simply not want to? Was Karen right, had Rin's life been worse before she found him? Would the dangers of being his lover be better that the pain of her past?

 

They knelt there in silence with Sesshoumaru's hand on the small of her back, and with Rin's hands pressed against his chest. With a deep breath, Rin's thumbs curled around the edges of his outer kimono, and she began to pull.

 

Sesshoumaru's hand flow up stop her, but he could only stop one hand, leaving the other to pull the kimono away on his left side. “Rin,” he whispered in a tone that seemed to be half warning and half pleading.

 

That one word alone would have made her stop and look at his face, but the sound of his voice left her stunned; she had never heard him sound anything like it. As she stared up at him she tried to understand what he was feeling, but there was so much confusion between his mind and his heart. She couldn't possibly guess what he wanted, because at that moment he did not know himself. How could she understand something that seemed so alien to her and so confusing to him? All she could do was be still and see what he chose to do next.

 

Sesshoumaru released her hand and sat back against the tree. “It's not for you to do these things for me, Rin,” he stated in a distant voice. He had to be careful, so very careful about what was to take place in the next few moments. He needed control and the darkness of the forest to hide his emotions. If he could bring his mind under control, then he could make her understand why she didn't want him.

 

Rin felt something in the way the air moved around her. She knew he was trying to calm himself, because she could feel part of him slipping away. It was like what she had felt when he and InuYasha had been fighting-the part that cared about InuYasha had run away to hide. She hated how the air felt. She didn't want him to run away from her that way. Defiantly, but keeping her voice low, Rin said, “But I want to. Karen told me that you needed me.”

 

All he could do was blink at her as the words brought his inner struggle to a grinding halt. He left wondering if what he had heard was the resolve of a determined woman, or a mire tantrum of a child that had never been told “no?”

 

“Do you know what it means to be my concubine?” He asked, struggling to keep voice flat and unfeeling; using all his will to make it feel like ice pouring from his lips.

 

Rin looked back at him in silence.

 

In an instant, Sesshoumaru was on his knees again and towering above her. Faster than her eyes could keep up; he had reached out and pulled her forward. Thrown off balance by the fast movement, she collided with his body, and with her hands on his chest, she was pushing backwards. He was leaving her just enough room to lean back and look up at him, which was exactly what he was waiting for her to do. When her eyes met his, he bent down with the full intention of giving her a kiss that would frighten her out of her mind. Fear always kept people at a safe distance.

 

Then the world stopped turning. Sounds that he should have been able to hear were beyond his senses. He could hear her breathing and heartbeat along with his, but all other sounds were gone. He could feel her hands brushing again the sides of his neck, as if she was unsure of how to touch the exposed skin. His lips were hovering above hers so close that their breath could barely escape. The tip of his nose was just touching the skin that lay between her nose and check. He was so close to her, but now he could not make himself move.

 

“Ses…shou…maru…sama,” Rin muttered slowly, with each syllable causing her lips to lightly brush against his. She spoke partly from fear of the unknown, and partly from excitement brought on by the energy that was building between their bodies. Whatever her instincts had hoped to gain from her saying his name aloud, it was accomplished; her hands were now resting calmly on his skin, and her body was relaxed and waiting.

 

Sesshoumaru knew that he had lost. He hadn't thought this through, and now he was trapped between heaven and hell. He was reminded of the sweet smell of her flowers, and knew that she must have developed the habit of rubbing them against her nose, because the skin about her nose held the sent of them so strongly. That skin was so soft and warm, as soft and warm as the body that he had pressed against him. His pride was stabbing at his brain as he recorded these bits of sensuous knowledge. All the mistakes of the past were there in a parade of images to remind him of why he didn't deserve her.

 

Suddenly he became aware that her body was rising as her hands traveled upward to work her fingers into the hair at the back of his head. His body responded by sinking lower onto his knees, which made his shoulders loosen. With the release of a small sigh, his lips were moving slowly and gently against hers.

 

Sesshoumaru's mind was growing wild with what he might do to her. He suddenly knew that he wanted her naked and beneath him. The thought was odd enough to help him push back from her mouth, but not enough to make him let her go. With his lips still only a breath away from hers, he thought of how intimate the position would be-it was not one he would normally choose, or had ever enjoyed in the past.

 

Rin's eyes fluttered open, and she pleaded, “No, I want this.” Her body felt wonderful and alive. He was so strong, and being close to him felt so safe and warm.

 

What had he just done? He loosened his arm around her and let her go. Looking away, he sat back into his prior resting place. From there he began to mentally flog himself.

 

Rin looked at him for a moment before moving. She could sense that he was very tired, but wasn't sure how to change his mood. He was distant and cold once more. Instincts told her that touching him again might be a mistake, but should she try to speak to him?

 

She couldn't take the silence. “Are you tired, Sesshoumaru-sama,” she asked in a meek voice.

 

“Yes, Rin, I am tired,” he answered her softly. Without questioning her, he knew that she wanted to come and take what was now her usual place on his lap. Closing his eyes and holding out his hand, he whispered, “Come to me if you like.”

 

She hurriedly hopped up and took that hand, allowing him to guide her into place. The gesture looked like a strange dance step with his arm sweeping over his body and her coming towards him. Straddling his lap, Rin let herself relax. She looked down at his chest to avoid looking at his face and whispered, “That was a kiss, wasn't it?”

 

“Yes,” he answered in a shallow voice.

 

“It was nice, don't you think?”

 

He licked his lips, but he didn't answer her.

 

“Being your concubine means that I'd kiss you again…” She paused and thought about it further, “I'd have sex with you,” she finished.

 

He looked at her, searching her face for signs of understanding about what she was saying to him. He had caught most of the awkward discussion that the girls had had, and it left him worried that she didn't truly understand any of it. However, he was worried about far more than sex with Rin. `How do I make her see this for what is really is?' He wondered.

 

“It is more than sex, Rin,” he began to explain in the soft voice, “Noble women do not console their men. They are like jewels set in a crown; they sparkle and are shown to the world. They are for breeding only, and for this duty they are given the wealth of the kingdom. While concubines, those who slave away for their masters, are left with nothing. It would be your sole existence to cater to my every desire, be it sex or other wise. You could never say no to me. I command it, and it must be done. I do not want that for you.”

 

“I don't understand,” she admitted, looking up to see his eyes were still closed. His face looked older than it normally did, more burdened. `Am I causing him this pain?' She wondered.

 

He opened his eyes in hopes that she would see the seriousness in them, as though it might help her to grasp the idea behind what he was trying to save her from. “Emotion is not shown in the noble's world, there are more important matters to be considered. A noble woman could never be with me the way you are now. This would be inappropriate in proper society. I have seen many of the women from Chichi-ue's stable left to grow old with nothing. He chose one women and gave her affection. While my mother played the glorious part of Empress, the other woman, the concubine, was constantly in danger. She gave Chichi-ue her body and soul, and a son who has been hated and hunted. He owned all those women, yet they were left to waste away. They could not love anyone other than their lord.”

 

“But if a noble woman couldn't show you love, who do you have to do that?”

 

“Listen to what I am staying to you!” He sat up and placed his hand on her cheek. “I would own you, Rin. You would have nothing unless I give it to you.”

 

“But I don't have anything now unless you give it to me. I don't really need anything else, Sesshoumaru-sama.”

 

It was true, and that truth stung him. `And still she loves me!' He looked down with his eyes closed and shook his head as he grumbled, “I will never understand the female mind.” He blamed himself for all this. He had been the one to teach her this behavior. After all, he had insisted that she act like his possession all this time. It was how he treated everyone; they were only there to sever his purpose and noting more.

 

He didn't want to need anyone, least of all the fragile creature before him. Only, he couldn't say this to her. In some deep dark place in his soul he needed her. Seeing that his arrogance would no longer protect him from Rin, he turned to the only defense he had left-his contempt towards Karen's interference. Clearing his throat, he asked, “What else did Karen tell you?”

 

“She told me that I could make your pain go away. She said that no one has ever been as close to you as I have.”

 

He didn't want to agree with Karen's observation. There had been one other person to get this close, but he would not think about her now; he couldn't without reliving the grief of loosing her. He forced himself to push the memories back. Was he willing to see another woman be taken from him someday? `No,' was what his mind screamed. For all that it was worth, he could only allow himself to carry on as he always had, pretending to feel nothing for the outside world.

 

In desperation he sank back lower into the tree, and spoke to her in a low icy voice, “Enough, Rin, you need to rest. We leave when the sun rises.” Then he turned to face the darkness of the tress.

 

Rin lowered her body against him and whispered, “I want to be with you forever, Sesshoumaru-sama.” When he did not respond, she closed her eyes and adjusted her body for rest. Pulling herself up higher on his chest, she wound her arms around his shoulders, and pressed her face into his neck.

 

Although she was in her favorite resting place, he could still feel the tension in her body. Tension wasn't what he wanted. He wasn't sure of what he really wanted for himself, but discomfort was not what he wanted for Rin. Turning his head back towards her; he rubbed the top of her head with his check. The action made her arms relax as her face snuggled closer to his neck. When he placed his hand on her back, all tension disappeared completely-not just from her body, but also from his.