InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Broken Fates ❯ A Fox's Wisdom ( Chapter 17 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Chapter 17: A Fox's Wisdom

Time passed, as it always does, and those closest to Kagome noted how subdued she'd grown, often lost in her thoughts - and in memories of the past.

She'd continued to see Mika, cooperative towards her and whatever tasks she set, and it seemed as though she was finally coming to accept what had happened to her.

For those on the outside looking in, while she seemed sad, she appeared to have lost the rage that had been driving her for so long - and everyone thought that was a good thing. And in some ways, it was.

But in others...

The truth was that she'd lost the ability to care too much about anything. Everything she did was by rote... habit. She interacted with her family, was polite to Yasha, and visited with Shippo - but it never went past the surface of her mind.

She was in mourning.

There was just so much sadness inside that it overwhelmed everything else, paralyzing her, and keeping her locked in a dream world of greys and shades of black. Outside, she kept up appearances... but inside... inside, all color, all hope had been lost from her, and she merely drifted along, going with the current and ignoring life.

Life, however, fortunately in this case, doesn't allow you to ignore it for long, and so, on a day that was much like any other, she found strange thoughts filtering through her consciousness - ones that made her sit up and think, rather than drift...

Kagome sighed, lifting her head and looking around the shed absently. She'd been assigned the task of taking inventory and cleaning this shed by her grandfather, and as usual, she had accepted the job without comment, letting her mind drift as she worked.

But it all seemed so pointless - going over the same things day in and day out. It wasn't like the things that were there yesterday were going to be gone today - so why did her grandfather keep handing her the same things over and over?

Was it to give her busywork? Something she could do without really having to think about it?

Probably... but where before, that would have bothered her, where once she would have thought she was being handed a sop because she wasn't good enough for anything else, now, she just accepted it. Good enough, or not, in the end, it didn't matter.

It was then that she began to wonder, in a curiously ironic inversion of the idea behind the life that fate had handed her, what it would be like when she died... and was reincarnated again. Sure, she'd been told that she was supposed to be the final form of her soul, and that her next stop would be her final destination... but she didn't really believe it. How could a soul such as hers, one that was so shattered, be ready for paradise?

So... what would it be like when she became someone else?

She turned that thought over and over in her mind that day... not realizing that her mind was waking - just a little.

But it was a first step - and for all that it was a small one, it was significant on its own...

Perhaps her season of mourning was finally beginning to come to a close.

---cCc---

Sesshoumaru had kept close tabs on her, right from the beginning, and he was pleased with things as they were... she was finally starting to wake. Of course, it was in tiny increments, and while the slow pace was frustrating at times, it was better for her - it gave her time to adjust to each thing before moving on to deal with the next.

Kagome had always been a talker, and while she'd been open, there was always a part of herself she'd kept back. Now, she had changed. She had become an intensely private person - and that was something that he could appreciate, since he himself had always been the same.

It had taken he and Mika a great deal of time dealing with both families on this very same issue - her mother and Yasha being the hardest to get to understand. Both were bothered that she'd changed so much, insisting that her behavior was wrong... that it wasn't her.

But that was the problem. It was her - the person that she was becoming. They just didn't want to accept that Kagome was not the same person she had been, she had changed. No one who'd been through what she had would have been able to remain the same. Kagome Higurashi had grown up - she'd gone through the fire, and been reborn from the ashes of the life she'd lived before.

It wouldn't be long before Mika would begin introducing Kagome to the idea of seeing her with Yasha - together. She had come to accept that he needed counseling for their shared experiences, as well, although she still had not warmed up to the idea of them as a couple.

Even there, however, there had been progress. She'd calmed towards him considerably, treating him decently enough, although still a bit distantly. The biggest step had been when she'd finally seen that just because Inuyasha was out of reach and she couldn't torch him in her anger at what he'd done to her, didn't mean that Yasha was an acceptable replacement.

He sat back, folding his hands before him, and considered the secret he was still keeping. Inuyasha had given him a message to pass on to Kagome - and he wondered... when would be the time to do so? Would she ever be ready to hear it? Perhaps it was time to ask his daughter what she thought about it.

Picking up his phone, he dialed her number, waiting patiently for her to answer.

"Mika. It is nearing lunchtime - can you get away and meet me at the tea-house near your office? There is something I need to consult with you about."

He heard her sigh. "Yes, father, I have an hour free for lunch. Meet me in, say... twenty minutes?"

"Very well. Twenty minutes." He hung up, and standing, moved towards the door of his study, calling for Jaken and making it clear that he was to remain undisturbed for the next hour unless the world was ending, then strode off to his car.

It was only a matter of fifteen minutes before he found himself turning into the parking lot of his daughter's office, parking, he locked the car and headed for the tea-house, knowing that Mika would already be there.

Sure enough, as soon as he entered, the maitre'd bowed and escorted him to her table, seating him and taking his order with quiet efficiency.

He waited until the man had moved away, then spoke. "I find I have need of your opinion on a matter of... timing."

Mika cocked a brow at her father, curious, interested in his choice of phrase. "Yes?"

"I will have your word that this will not be mentioned to anyone else, daughter, before I speak."

This time, both brows raised into her bangs, and she nodded sharply. "You have it."

He accepted her word with a nod of his own. "Before Inuyasha died, he sought me out, and requested that I pass a message on to Kagome. This was something he wanted to come from him, not be passed on by his reincarnation, and so, after he told me, he asked me to wipe it from his memory." He could see Mika's surprise, and he continued, knowing he had aroused her curiosity.

"I am not going to repeat the message to you, it is for her ears only. However... I find myself... uncertain of the appropriate timing in this. I do not want to tell her, only to cause her more grief, and trouble. That is why I want your opinion."

She released a soft breath, and shook her head. This was an... unexpected development, and since her father was not willing to give her even the gist of the message, she couldn't say based on its contents when the best time to pass it on would be.

But... she could make an educated guess just based on the fact of who it was from... and who it was for.

Looking up at her father in a straightforward manner, she said, "It is difficult to be sure of anything when I do not know the message. But, I can say that it would not be best to tell her now. It is too soon, and she is still in mourning. She needs no more shocks right now." Steepling her fingers thoughtfully, she looked down at them, mind going over the possibilities.

"I would say... it would probably be best to wait 'til she is completely stable again, and well on the way to the rest of her life. Definitely, until her relationship with Yasha has gotten much deeper than it is now."

Sesshoumaru considered her for a moment. "Why so long?"

"Because we need to wait until her heart is cleared of Inuyasha - we don't want this to cause a relapse, for it to make her look back again, rather than forward."

"I see. So," he looked away, eyes going distant, "it is your considered opinion that I should continue to keep this secret for some time to come, then."

"Yes, father. I do not want to undo the progress that we have made with her - it has been little enough as it is, and she is still in a very dangerous place... one where the slightest thing could cause her to go back under." She sighed, then, a bit of weariness entering her voice. "At this point, too many more shocks, and we could lose her entirely. It is dangerous, right now, you understand."

He nodded. "Very well. I accede to your knowledge in this, daughter. I will wait. Keep this in mind, and when you feel she is ready, bring it to my attention."

"Yes, father." She glanced at her watch, then drank the last of her tea, watching as her father finished his, then bowed her head to him. "I need to get back, my next appointment is usually early. I will see you this weekend for dinner, unless something happens between now and then."

"Be well, daughter." He nodded in acknowledgment, then placed the money for the bill on the table and left.

Standing on the sidewalk, he put his hands in his pockets and looked up at the sky.

It is still not the time, brother. You did too much damage, and it is taking the god's own time to repair the miko.

If she even can be fixed.

His daughter's words rang in his ears as he walked to his car.

"At this point, too many more shocks, and we could lose her entirely. It is dangerous, right now, you understand."

Look what you have wrought, Inuyasha. Even dead, you still continue to destroy.

---cCc---

Shippo smiled at the woman sitting next to him on the park bench, glad to see the warmth in her eyes. It had been missing for far too long. Right now, it was still just a tiny spark, not the normal flame, and would be easily extinguished, he knew, if something happened to her, but it was, at least, something, where for so long there had been nothing.
"So, talk to me, K'gome. How... are you feeling? Really."

She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, then looked away, staring out over the fields, summer flowers dotting the grass here and there, and adding bright color splashes to the verdant green. It reminded her of the past.

"I'm... well, to be honest, I don't really know how I am. Sometimes, I'm numb, and other times... it hurts. It - I don't like to remember." She sighed, a long, slow exhalation filled with sadness. "And yet... I can't help but to do so."

He nodded, at least she was being honest. "You know... I always did say Inuyasha," he glanced at her and saw her wince, "was a baka. And he knew he was, too. He made a mess of things." He turned his face away, saddened at the memories, at the way things had turned out.

Kagome shook her head. "Yeah... well, it just makes me mad that I have to pay the price for his stupidity. Love hurts, Shippo - and I don't think I want to walk that path anymore. I don't think I can, if something like this happened again, I know I wouldn't survive."

"I know you're angry at him, Kagome, and the truth is, I was for a long, long time, as well. But..." he glanced at her again, trying to judge her response to his words, "he couldn't fight fate. You know that can't be done, what the kami decide, goes, no matter how much we hate that thought. It was fate that brought you back here, not Inuyasha, so to keep blaming him for following the path set for him by the kami just hurts you."

She thought about that for a while, eyes forward but unseeing. Was it really that easy? Should she really be railing against the kami, and not Inuyasha himself? She'd always thought of following fate as a duty - which is why she'd stayed in the past, in the beginning... it had been her duty to help reassemble the jewel.

So why was it so different for Inuyasha? If the kami had decided that his place was back there, and hers was here - why was she being so unfair as to blame him for an obedience that she herself had always given to the ways of the kami?

Eyes wide, she turned her gaze on Shippo. "When did you get to be so wise, my little fox? I never... thought about it in that light before." She looked down at her hands, then, and frowned, suddenly a bit unhappy with herself. "Now I feel kinda bad about blaming it all on Inu all this time. Don't get me wrong, I'm still mad at what he did, pushing me away before I could even say goodbye and all... but..." she trailed off as Shippo spoke up.

"But blaming him for what he did, as opposed to how he did it, are two different things." He nodded at her. "Find peace within yourself for his actions, Kagome. I really want my Kagome to come back, you know. I've missed her for five hundred years."

She smiled then, a small one, but still a smile, and bumped his shoulder with hers. "I missed you, too, Shippo, even though for me it was only weeks, still... I'm glad you're here." She giggled then, and Shippo grinned to hear it. "You know... it's funny. For all that I've been seeing Mika, the professional, she has yet to help me in a more profound way than you just did. You made me finally see something I'd been missing - and in only a few words. Maybe you should become a counselor," she teased.

He shuddered at that. "No way! I'd go crazy listening to strangers whine at me all day." He tossed her a mischievous look. "It's different when it's family that's whining at you."

She mock glared at him as he chuckled. "Fine, see if I talk to you anymore, oh whiny fox. I happen to remember a small kit that coud whine with the best of them - and did, frequently."

Shippo laughed at that. "Yeah... but my whining had a point, and the point was funny. Inuyasha getting sat was always enough to make my day interesting."

She joined him, laughing a bit at the memories. "I know. You always did everything you could to rile him up and get him in trouble."

He snorted at that. "Well, someone had to, or he'd get so cocky there'd be no living with him." He shook his head at the memories, glad to be able to talk about them with her. He sighed, then. "You know, when Sesshoumaru told me about Yasha, the first thing that crossed my mind was, 'I wish he had a rosary, too'... because I really miss the sits. Then, when I actually met him, I felt guilty about that."

Kagome pressed a hand to her mouth, trying not to laugh. "Oh, no, you didn't, did you, Shippo? Yasha is a totally different person, you know."

He nodded. "In a way he is, and yet, in a way, he's not. He's... I don't know - he's like Inuyasha could have been, if life had treated him different back then. There's so many differences, but... he still feels... familiar, I guess, is the word. From the minute I saw him, I knew who he was, and would have, even if I was blind. He's like... Inuyasha, improved. Grown up. Do you know what I mean?"

She frowned thoughtfully. "Well, I...uh," she blushed, looking away, "I... really haven't paid any attention to him, to be honest," shame clouding her face as she admitted that. "All I could see was who he was not, so I didn't pay any attention at all to who he is."

"Maybe... maybe you should, Kagome. Because, if you'd never gone to the past, and never met Inuyasha, you would still have met Yasha... and you'd have been with him, instead. In a way, Inuyasha was the interference, not Yasha." He glanced at her, noting the flash of hurt in her eyes. "We can't change what's happened, and I'm not saying to go throw yourself at Yasha and act like he's Inuyasha and you love him just because fate said so. What I'm saying is get to know him. Don't shut him out just because you're angry at Inuyasha, and at fate."

He met her eyes as she looked up at him. "Give him the chance to at least be a friend, Kagome. He really is a great guy."

She stared at him for a few, then looked out at the horizon, blurring the line between past and present in her mind's eye.

Should I? Can I even do what he's asking? I know, if I'm going to be honest, if the situation were reversed, that I would be telling him the same thing... and that should be answer enough, really.

Now... if I could get rid of the rest of this anger...

Maybe I could finally gain some happiness.

"I'll... think about it, Shippo. Just - give me a little time, okay?"

"That's all I ask, Kagome. Just think about it."

They smiled at each other, rising to their feet, they made their way back to the shrine, a new sense of peace flowing between them and twining within Kagome's heart.

---cCc---

Later that evening, she growled in anger, that peacefulness forgotten, as she stared at her bedroom walls. She knew the things that Shippo had said were true - that he was right in what he'd told her. And that wasn't the problem - she could see where she'd been wrong in some of the things she'd thought, and in where she'd placed some of the blame.

The problem was herself. Or more accurately, the part of herself that had been Kikyou.

She still hated that, and felt like a mere copy of the dead woman, still felt as though she wanted to claw her way out of her own body, just to get away from that woman's fragment of soul that was taking up space inside her.

In the end, as she stared at the walls, she realized that that was the worst part of this whole mess. Not Inuyasha, and her misplaced love for him, not what he'd done, or how he'd done it... but the fact that she was stuck with that horrid woman's soul. She felt violated having that thing inside her, and wished with all her might that they hadn't forced her to take that bit of soul back into her.

Why did she even have to have it? Couldn't it go somewhere else? Go torture someone else? Being blunt, it was like being raped constantly, having someone else invading your body without your permission. Because no matter what anyone said, she wasn't Kikyou, and she didn't want to be, either. She really, truly, didn't want anything to do with that woman, and was bitterly angry that she had that piece of Kikyou poisoning her. It was bad enough that she'd screwed her life up back in the past - now she was doing it here in the present, too.

All she truly wanted was to be freed of Kikyou - forever.

She wanted to be out from under her shadow.

Suddenly, she understood how Kagura had felt about Naraku. She'd never thought she'd feel pity for the kaze youkai...

Now...

She did.

But at least she found freedom from him, in the end, even if only in death. When will I find my freedom from Kikyou's taint inside my soul?

---cCc---

Not sure I'm really happy with this chapter, the way it came out, but for what it's worth, here it is. In the end, I think this is how I would have reacted to this kind of situation - I'd eventually get over the guy... but being forced to keep a part of someone I disdained so much inside me? That, in the end, would be what drove me crazy.

So... we are getting to the part of the story where there will start to be more interaction between Kagome and Yasha. At first, Shippo will be with them, keeping things on the level of casual friends. It will still be a little bit before things get more intimate between them.

Amber