InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Cannot Be Broken ❯ Decided ( Chapter 22 )

It was after dark when Kikyo found her sitting hunched against a tree in the small woods outside the manor walls. She looked around and found the girl to be alone, though footprints in the snow showed she was not alone for the whole time. Kikyo frowned.

 

“Kagome, you know it is not safe for you to be out here.”

 

Kagome slowly lifted her face to look up at the miko. Her face was pale and her violet eyes, which had returned to that colour when her powers finally surfaced, were light, almost to the verge of lilac. She seemed to be drained of colour and life.

 

Kikyo looked at her in stoical concern. “What has happened?”

 

Kagome blinked heavily and looked down to the snow, now blue from the cold night moon. Her voice was low and monotone when she finally answered. In the heavy silence of the dark her voice sent chills down the miko's back. “Why do you protect me?”

 

Kikyo stood stunned. “Kagome?”

 

The girl's head swayed from side to side. “Why do you protect me? I am not human. I…am….” She looked up at Kikyo and grinned in exhausted defeat. “I am a thing.”

 

Kikyo frowned. “Kagome, do not ever speak that way.”

 

Kagome smirked and rested her head against the tree behind her, her eyes cast down. “Only a thing could do all that. Only a thing could do it without ever even knowing. It was my purpose. It was my function. I did it all, and for what… for my own protection?” She dragged her eyes up tiredly at Kikyo. “Nothing human could do all that I have done.”

 

“Kagome, you are more than human, and you had to be protected. What has been done was for that reason and you cannot blame yourself for what you could not control.” Kikyo frowned.

 

“And that's just it. Something I could not control. But I still did it, whether I knew it or not. Yes, there was that reason. My protection. But from all that I have heard, it was never consenting. I made you all feel like it had to be done. I now know why.” Kagome's eyes looked distant and hollow. “I had wondered, especially since it was unknowingly, why my powers insisted on manipulating those around me. And why only two did they bind to me. I mean my powers could have chosen you, or Rin or anyone. But they didn't. They chose Sesshomaru and InuYasha. But why? Then I realized… they were the most powerful, and I needed them to protect me. I must have known I needed to protect myself from him. I destroyed my own village because he was there. I manipulated Sesshomaru to take me in, to hide me from him. When Sesshomaru could no longer suit that purpose, I made InuYasha want me in order to protect me from him. But it did me no good. He found me.”

 

Kikyo stood over the girl. “You know this is not true. You had no control over what had happened….”

 

Kagome laughed bitterly. “And that's why it makes so much sense.” She turned her drained eyes up to her sensei. “I had no control, but my powers did. Why would I destroy my entire village? Do you think I would kill everything just because I watched my mother die? I could have just killed the creatures that murdered her. Maybe I could have just killed the army. But I didn't. I killed them all. Every… single…one of them.” She dragged her eyes away to stare blankly ahead. “Why? Because I was not going to take any chances of him taking me.”

 

“Kagome, that is not right, your powers were only just developing… it was an accident… we cannot even be sure it was….”

 

“It was me… all of it, whether I knew how to or not.” The girl's face turned cold. “I have thought about it, and it is the only true connection. Think about it, Kikyo. Why would you and Sesshomaru try so hard to hide me from it and tried to protect me from it? No matter what you did, my powers still were in control. They were the reason why all this had happened. No, just listen….” Kagome sensed the woman above her was about to refute. “Whether it was uncontrolled or not… it does not stop the fact that they were all killed. But I knew he was still alive. Somehow, I knew. Why else would I make Sesshomaru want to take me in? Why would I make the most powerful demon want to raise me? I could have been adopted by anyone. I could have just lain there to die, but I didn't. I can't think it coincidence that you and Sesshomaru found me. I must have done something. And talking to Sesshomaru, I did. I bound his soul to my own. I gave him no choice. He felt compelled to raise me and protect me. And when he could no longer do that, he felt compelled to find someone who could. I could have just stayed with Sesshomaru, or I could have just been InuYasha's prisoner. Instead, I made… I made him love me. I bound him to me as I did Sesshomaru. He is now the one who must protect me. But like all of you, he had no choice… he has no choice.” Kagome looked up at Kikyo. “But I will no longer allow it. Naraku knows where I am. There is nothing any of you can do now. So I ask. Why do you protect me?”

 

Kikyo's face turned dark. “Because whether or not it was your powers that compelled us, it was our will that allowed it. You must understand that your powers are not by design able to make others do as you command. Instead it opens us to see how much better thingscan be, and from it how important your survival is.”

 

Kagome looked down and shook her head. “My survival. What good is my survival? Seeing auras? Mind control? What is it you have to protect?”

 

“We must keep you from Naraku. If he were to take you, he could become indestructible. And all else would be under his mercy.” Kikyo replied.

 

Kagome nodded. “Right… again, Naraku, the one constant in everything. He is the one reason why all this had happened, why I felt the need to use you all. All of this just to keep me alive and away from him. Midoriko had it right. Destroy herself before she could be taken.” Kagome looked out into the trees. “Yes, how easily it can all be ended.”

 

Kikyo grabbed her harshly and gave her a quick shake. “You naïve little child. You have no idea the powers you control. You have no idea the pains that have been taken to keep you safe. You have no idea the outcome of what could happen if we let Naraku take you.”

 

Kagome stared up in shock at her mentor then anger. “What control?! What powers did I ever control? If anything I am just a shell for these powers to use! Don't you get it?! I am a thing, this Shikon no Tama. I used all of you! I made you need to keep me safe! I made you feel I was something that needed to be protected! I am just the thing that holds all of you to suit my own needs. There is nothing in me that deserves to be saved. And whether or not Naraku takes me, already my fate is sealed. I am already dead, if ever I was alive. So why bother to protect me? Our only option is to just get rid of the powers by getting rid of me, then Naraku would no longer hunt for me, then no one will be… will be bound to me.” Kagome hung her head.

 

“Kagome….” Kikyo sighed. “Yes, you are no ordinary human. But you are human, one with a great gift, and great responsibility. And it was our folly to keep it from you. It was our fear that made us hide it from you, it was our inadequacies that made us unable to train you, and it was our love that wanted to protect you.” Kikyo sat beside the young woman and wrapped an arm around her. “When we found you, you were a small child close to death. I remember great power growing in you that I could not, even to this day, comprehend the magnitude. Where any could have left you, one did not. You did not force him to pick you up, you did not force him to place you in his mate's arms, you did not force him to teach you and love you. He chose to be your father. All you did was show him he should not be without you, and it was not your powers, it was you…. As for InuYasha….”

 

Kagome held her breath.

 

Kikyo leaned back onto the tree and looked up. “I do not know what had transpired between you two, but no power can force love from another. Contrary to what you think your power could do, it can only channel what is already there. It does not create, it does not destroy. It just brings what needs to be brought out to light. You may have bound your soul without knowledge, but we also bound our souls to you by choice, and no one but ourselves could do that. Your powers could not make us feel love for you, nor could they bind us against our free will. Your powers were only the link that combined us to you, and that is the only thing you did.”

 

Kagome choked on a sob. “How can you believe that? How can you believe me to be such an innocent? What about the village…?”

 

Kikyo's face hardened. “You also forget that you were not the only one in the village. We cannot also rule out that Naraku may have also been the cause. You cannot take the blame for something even we do not know as truth. We only felt your power within the village, and assumed it was the cause. But now, with the awareness of Naraku and his abilities, we cannot be so sure. I am sorry for that as well. We did not understand your powers, and had assumed too much without true cause. It was not until your powers came to light did we truly see what you were, and none of it was evil.” Kikyo cast her gaze over to the girl. “We had forgotten the very thing we had taught you. Do not ever take what is said or done for face value, for truth is revealed in many levels. All it takes is the patience and strength to open oneself to find it. And we neglected to do so. We are sorry. But whatever the case of your past, your powers are here now, and they must be controlled. We will attempt to train you to the best of our abilities.”

 

Kagome rested her head on her knees. “It's too hard. Why can't they just go away? Why did it have to be me? What if the only way to end it all is to end me?”

 

“Even if you should perish, your powers would still live on. And the demon would again hunt you down in the next child you are born into. Your death is not an option, just a delay of the inevitable. The only way is to destroy Naraku, and end this.” Kikyo stood and helped Kagome to stand.

 

Kagome stared hard at the woman in front of her. “Fight Naraku?”

 

Kikyo nodded. “Come. It is late, and we have plans to make.”

 

Kagome didn't speak. She felt dejected and withdrawn. Fighting Naraku may be their only option, but deep within, she knew it would not succeed.

 

In shadows of the trees, InuYasha watched the two women walk into the manor and he followed slowly behind.

 

****

 

The day was heavy with angst. The Great Hall was lined with Sesshomaru's war leaders. Battle defences and strategies were laid out for the expected onslaught of Naraku's forces. The room was thick with talk and arguments as plans were made and messengers were sent.

 

Kagome watched sedately outside the Great Hall to witness a mass army being pulled together to save one life they didn't even really know.

 

She wondered if they even knew why they were fighting. She wondered how many lives would be lost because of her. She felt sick. No matter what she could say or do, nothing would persuade Sesshomaru from this assault. She walked away from the mass and headed down the corridor to eventually end up in the estate room.

 

It was a medium room, lightened by large windows that spanned across the back wall, revealing a view of spacious snow covered ground and grey sky outside. Inside the room several large cushions and mats adorned the floor for guests to relax on. The room was vacant and quiet and warm.

 

Kagome walked slowly to a window and peered out at the dull day. Even with her spiritual sight, the world looked hollow and listless. It was like an impending doom was prevalent on the horizon. She could feel the creature was near. She could almost hear his voice in her mind. He no longer visited her dreams. He knew who she was and he knew where she was. There was no need for him to seek her out. It was now a waiting game. He was coming for her. And she was bone chillingly terrified.

 

She had eaten very little in the last few days. She slept little too, not just because she feared the possibility of those dreams, but also because she feared her powers would not stay contained in her. Over the last few days she spent time with Kikyo, channelling her control and understanding the fathoms of her abilities. It took time, but she finally got a grasp on what she was feeling and doing, so much that she was able to activate her capabilities by will, though she was still slow when she applied them. She could also suppress them on her own, but it never stopped her from being anxious that they again may work on their own accord. It was apparent how much it took out of her. Dark circles shadowed under her eyes, drawn out more by her paled skin and light eyes, and her fingers shook uncontrollably. But she would not rest. If anything, she just wanted to disappear into oblivion, taking with her whatever troubles she had caused.

 

She didn't know how long she stood there. But she had long stopped looking outside. Her mind was never ending with what ifs. What if `what ifs' could come true. Then so much would be different. Would I be here? Would I be alive? Would I know InuYasha? Would I be loved? She blinked softly and slowly. The tears brimming her eyes stung and were terribly hot. She had cried so much over the last few days, she was surprised she had any tears left, or even the strength to shed them.

 

Her thoughts quickly subsided as she felt a presence behind her. She still did not move from her stance in front of the window. Her eyes never left the cold dread of the outside.

 

It took some time before she had the voice to speak, and when she did it was achingly soft and alone. “You follow me around in shadow and secret, as if you believe I never know you are there.”

 

A figure moved out of the shadow of the doorway. InuYasha did not speak as he stood a few feet behind her.

 

His aura was still blocked from her, but she refused to sense it even if he did not keep it from her. She kept her eyes looking out the window as if searching for everything and nothing at once. “You no longer have to stay here.”

 

Again he gave no response.

 

She turned to him and looked into his guarded eyes. She regarded him carefully. “What ever you feel bound to, I release you from it.”

 

He cast his eyes angrily away, and his hands clenched hard.

 

Kagome's face showed quiet and sad realization. “Oh right… our souls are…. You can't go.” She looked down and bit her lower lip. She thought quietly, finally coming to a conclusion. She nodded. “I think… I can break it.”

 

She closed her eyes and retracted her aura into her self. It was a bit difficult at first since she felt like she was pulling from all around herself, like pulling at the strings of a strong web and she was in the middle. She finally centred on one `thread' that was connected to InuYasha. She concentrated hard and began to pull at it.

 

A rush of anxiety, pain, anger, resentment and aching expectation began to absorb into her that it hurt to breath. It felt like she was stripping out her heart; that she was clawing into her chest trying to dig out every last wish and dream she had and trying to kill them. But she kept at it, until a hand grabbed her arm hard and yanked, jolting her out of her severing.

 

“Stop it!” A guttural voice yelled at her.

 

Kagome eyes flashed open to look into molten gold. She swayed from the rocking pain she felt from the attempted severing and from the look on his face. He looked agonized and defeated. “Inu… Yasha?”

 

He closed his eyes and shook his head. His hand still clenched hard on her arm.

 

Kagome shook. Did I hurt him? Was I wrong? Can't the connection be broken? “InuYasha, I'm sorry, I thought I was breaking….”

 

“Stop it!” His claws dug into her arm, his eyes shut tight in pain. “Stop all of it.”

 

Kagome looked over him. His faded blue-framed aura flickered uncertainly but there was nothing physically wrong. And she was not doing anything to cause him harm. At least nothing she was aware of. “Oh gods, InuYasha.” She rasped. “I'm sorry, I'm not doing… I don't know what's wrong…. I'm sorry… I … I should go….” She struggled in his grip and she whimpered. “Please, let me go.”

 

He shook his head again, harder this time.

 

She cast her head down and stood limp by him, waiting for him to let her go, so she could finally walk away. So she could finally break it without him stopping her.

 

“No.”

 

Kagome's ears perked at the soft word. She kept her eyes down, refusing to look at that face again. “What?”

 

“You will not walk away from me and you will not… break it.” His voice was deep and worn out.

 

Kagome's heart thundered in her chest. How did he know? Can he still feel me through our link even though he hides from me? Her breath shook with each painful intake of air. “Why?” Her voice broke.

 

He remained silent.

 

She forced her eyes to look at him. He wasn't looking at her. His face was stern as he gazed at a cushion on the floor. She looked at him confused. “I don't understand….”

 

His eyes darkened and he scowled, but still he refused to give her any indication as he continued to stare at the cushion.

 

Kagome's resolve broke and tears again burned her face as she spoke. “I don't understand! I don't know what you want! If you want to be rid of me, then let me break it and you can go. There will be nothing to keep you here!” She struggled in his grasp but he held her arm tight.

 

He turned to look at her enigmatically. He flicked his eyes up and down her, but still there was nothing.

 

She struggled harder against his grip. “Please, let me go.” She sobbed tiredly. “I don't know what else to do.” She stopped fighting as his claws dug deeper, breaking the soft skin under her arm. She let her arm go limp and she sagged her head in defeat. Whispers and tears leaked from under her black cascading hair. “I never knew. I really never knew. I didn't mean to… I didn't mean to…. Please, let me go…. If I could have changed it…. I would give them all up…. I would have wanted you…. I would have loved you no matter what….”

 

“Shut up.” A low growl erupted above her as he yanked her body closer to him.

 

She refused to look up and she felt the claws tear into her arm. She bit her lip to hide the pain she felt, but it couldn't compare to the turmoil inside her when she saw his tormented face.

 

“Look at me.” His voice was gruff and bitter.

 

She shook her head.

 

“Look!” He barked.

 

She slowly lifted her gaze up to his. He looked dangerous. His lips were peeled back and his fangs were bared. His eyes were flashing yellow in heated attention. His aura blasted over her in animal lust and rage. Her head spun at the onslaught.

 

“Is this what you want to love?” He snarled and grabbed her other arm, digging his claws into it as well, making her body rise to lean up into him, trying to escape from the pain. “Is this what you want to be bound to?”

 

“What… why are you doing this?” She reeled back only to have the claws dig in deeper, pushing her harder up to him. She gasped as blood dripped down her arms. Her face could not turn away from his. Her voice hitched in her throat. “I swear I never knew…. I would never have done any of this had I known! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!”

 

“Shut the fuck up!” He shook her slightly. “Fuck who you are! Fuck your powers! Fuck whatever it is that's keeping me here! If it was just you… would you want this?!”

 

Kagome's mouth opened in silent appeal as his grip tightened. She didn't understand what he was saying. She didn't know what he wanted. She wanted to close her eyes but something compelled her to look into his own. They were hard and furious and…. Never take it at face value… truth is revealed in many levels. He was searching for her truth. And through his eyes, behind the hurt, betrayal and doubt, was a glint of hope. Kagome's heart thudded hard at her realization. He was terrified that it wasn't real. He was terrified her love wasn't real. This was her last and only chance she could be honest with him. She nodded her head quickly. “Yes,” she rasped, “yes, I would want this.”

 

His eyes changed, as if a wall crumbled. Just as quickly his eyes were dark and distrusting, but the glint was brighter. He growled. “You would let these claws tear you? You would let my fangs bite you? You will love the monster in me as it… breaks you?”

 

Kagome's eyes widened. Break? She trembled under his gaze and apt words. She searched his face. Again his aura was blackened from her sight, and his eyes glowed bright. But there was fear behind his gaze. He is terrified of his demon side. I never knew! I never knew… that he was so frightened he would lose control. He was asking if she trusted him. Her eyes grew brave as she looked back at him. “Yes… I would.”

 

He shook her. “No!” He seethed through his teeth. “You can't! You don't understand!” He thrusted them hard onto the cushions on the floor. His body was heavy on top of her, and he pinned her arms and legs so she could not struggle.

 

Kagome looked up to see him watching her intently. His hair curtained her face and his eyes seemed to be filled with malice. His gaze roved over her and a devilish smirk curled his lips. Her eyes widened again and she lay prone. What is he doing?

 

“Why don't you struggle? Why don't you fight? Why don't you run away? What's wrong? Can't move? Can't blast me away with a thought?” His smirk turned into a vengeful smile. His upper fangs jutted out and she could clearly see how sharp they were. “Would you cringe if I kissed you like I wanted? Would you cry if I scratched your perfect skin? Would you scream if I tore you apart inside just to ease my fucking needs?”

 

Kagome paled. Her hands clenched involuntarily and she swallowed hard. She desperately searched his eyes, looking for anything that would tell her this was something else. There was revulsion, hatred and lust. She couldn't see anything to tell her otherwise. Her heart pounded furiously and she wanted to scream for help. But as she looked at him did she see he wasn't looking directly at her. His eyes were withdrawn, as if he was thinking hard, as if he was imagining what he just said and he…. Kagome's eyes watered. He hates…. He hates the thought of it. Then why would he say such things? He hates the idea but he also looks aroused. Why? Kagome bit her lip. Unless he unconsciously desires it, but he fears that…. Her eyes widened, then grew sad and gentle. The tears she was holding back flooded over. He fears he will hurt me. I remember that feeling, the pain of the power from his demon side. I now know how hard he finds to control it. Like how I found my own powers when we were together. I wonder if he knows I know how he feels. No… how could I possibly? How could I possibly even compare my powers to his? He fights every moment to keep himself in control. He fights the instinct and fury of his youkai strength. I know how overwhelming the lust for blood was. Kagome winced at the feeling. She felt it that day they fought Naraku. She remembered how much she craved the idea of killing and taking. No wonder he hates it. No wonder he is afraid. She lifted her face to study his own. She bit her lip. If I want him to know that I understand him, there is only one way to prove it to him. I only hope our connection will allow it.

 

Kagome looked into his eyes. “InuYasha?”

 

His attention drew out to focus on her. His eyes flicked over her tear tracked face. His expression was still hard but he looked slightly uncomfortable.

 

She licked her lips. Her voice was cool and calm though her very being was shaken to the core. “I won't deny you.”

 

His eyes widened in shock then angry denial. “You don't know what you are saying, Bitch.”

 

She jutted her chin up and her eyes turned fierce. “I know exactly what I said. I'm not afraid of you.”

 

He shut his eyes hard and his expression was of self-disgust. “You will be.” He growled. His mouth crashed hard onto hers and he kissed her with reckless abandon. He didn't even wait before he delved his tongue violently into her mouth. His lips pressed tight against hers as his tongue ravished her mouth.

 

Kagome's head swam with confused excitement as she closed her eyes to give in to the moment. She could almost feel what he was feeling, though he was straining to keep his aura contained.

 

She was not about to be daunted. She flicked his probing tongue with her own, then she bit down on it and sucked on it. She heard him growl above her and his hands left her arms to dig deep into her hair, pulling her lips harder against him, though it wasn't possible. He wrenched his tongue from her hold and nipped at her lower lip in punishment for her sudden control against him, causing it to bleed.

 

Kagome wanted to flinch from the pain, but held it in check as she licked her bleeding lip. He growled above her mouth as he pressed his lips firmly against her tender one, pushing away her tongue, while sucking, pulling and kneading his teeth on her cut lip. It stung and her eyes unconsciously tightened. But whether or not he noticed, it didn't matter as her hands fisted into his hair. She hiked up a leg around his waist, pulling him harder down on top of her, so that he lay on her. She was feeling wilder, untamed.

 

He snarled into her mouth at her bold move and his claws dug deeper into her hair, pulling sharply at her dark strands. She hissed and did the unthinkable. She captured his lower lip and bit down hard, and growled back at him.

 

His eyes opened wide and he lay still for several moments, his lip still held tightly in her mouth. He was panting heavily, trying to keep some semblance of reason, but her brazen manoeuvre was snapping at the last bit of control he had. She didn't know what he was capable of. She didn't know what reckless power he tried to subdue. She had no idea what she would be apart of if she still chose to stay with him. She had to know she was bound to his youkai. She had to know and he had to show her. He cringed. He had to let her know just exactly what he domineered. His body shuddered as he released his youkai.

 

He raked his claws up her cheeks to hold her head fast, cutting them in the process, as he wrenched his lip from her hold. He bit ravenously at her lips and tongue. He could taste her blood and it was driving him wild. He lapped up as much of her sweet flavour as he could. His tongue licked up the blood of her cut cheeks before moving back to her sore mouth. He growled and moaned with each new taste of her. But what he couldn't get enough of was that she wasn't screaming, she wasn't crying, she wasn't pulling away. Instead, she was biting and sucking and kissing him back. Though she had no fangs or claws, she was still able to keep up with each uncontrolled desire he put on her. She's not afraid! Why is she not fighting this?

 

He grew dizzy and heady with want. Lights danced behind his closed lids and he thought for sure he was seeing through her powers again. He opened his eyes to see he was wrong, his vision was as it should be, but what his other senses told him sent him spiralling. She felt hot, she tasted sweet, her moans flooded his mind, and her scent was spiked with heated wetness. He didn't think he could take it anymore. But the incredible thing was, his youkai was there, but his mind was still unbroken. He had every ounce of control, though he knew his youkai persona had gripped him.

 

Why? How was this possible?

 

He remembered. The necklace. His red eyes flashed wide open. Fuck no! The necklace! It means she's absorbing…!

 

He tore his mouth from hers and looked down at her. Her face was pink, but there was no sign from where his claws cut her. No marks or welts marred her skin or lips. She had healed instantly with his youkai power. Her eyes were shut, but when he stopped to look down at her she opened them to look up at him. They were dark violet again. She no longer showed signs of weariness or angst. She wasn't hurt. She wasn't in pain. She wasn't without control of either of their powers. She was just… Kagome.

 

It hit him then and there, how he was terrified over nothing. Where he had thought the necklace would make him weak, or terribly and uncontrollably strong, it had only made them equal, in every possible way. She could withstand his demon side, for she also had his demon side. She could also withstand her own powers… but how? He wasn't seeing anything, he wasn't feeling…. But he was feeling it. He closed his eyes and let her soul flood him with emotion, each of them more wonderful than the last. She loved, she adored, she wanted, she desired and she… needed him. She needed him to feel that way about her too.

 

This wasn't like the day they first met. When he inexplicably wanted her as his mate. This was not corrupted by the idea that it was false or instinctively forced. This was true. And he finally understood what the others had meant. She did not create or force the emotions on to them, she couldn't have. All she did was let them know she needed them, and they in turn knew that she was needed.

 

He finally understood. She wanted him to feel that way about her, because she felt that way about him. And he had the choice… he had the free will to give it to her.

 

He gazed intently down at her. His breathing was laboured and he found it difficult to find his voice. But even as he was able, he didn't know what to say. He wasn't sure exactly what it was he wanted to give her.

 

He closed his eyes. “Kagome… I….”

 

A cough at the doorway made both of them jump.

 

InuYasha spun his head around in fierce demonic fury to glare at the one person who would find that moment to butt in.

 

Kagome gaped. “Miroku?”