InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Chronicles ❯ My Immortal ( Chapter 85 )

~~Chapter 85~~

~My Immortal~

 

`My Immortal'

by Evanescence

from the album “Fallen”

 

`I'm so tired of being here . . .

Suppressed by all of my childish fears . . .

And if you have to leave . . .

I wish that you would just leave . . .

Because your presence still lingers here . . .

And it won't leave me alone . . .

 

These wounds won't seem to heal . . .

This pain is just too real . . .

There's just too much that time cannot erase . . .

 

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears . . .

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears . . .

And I've held your hand through all of these years . . .

But you still have all of me . . . .'

 

.

 

`It's so dark . . . I can't see you . . . but I can feel you . . . InuYasha . . . .' Opening her eyes to gaze at the blurred world surrounding her, she saw nothing. The tears were too heavy, too daunting, flowing down her face as the remnants of so many dreams fell away.

 

Kagome adjusted her headphones. Trying to escape, trying to block out the sounds that reminded her all too well that the world was an ugly place, that the beauty of her world was gone . . . . `Just beyond my reach . . . InuYasha . . . where are you? You promised me . . . you'd protect me . . . you promised me forever . . . .'

 

Vaguely she could hear Miroku calling her name. She turned up the volume on her Walkman; torturing herself with the songs that made her want to cry even more.

 

Miroku dragged her out of the well-house as she struggled to break away, to get back to it, to dig InuYasha out of the well . . . that's where he was, wasn't he? On the other side of that well . . . in the world that was closed to her . . .

 

“Let me go!”

 

“Kagome! Stop! You can't save him!” Miroku growled in her ear as he held her back. “Let him go!”

 

“He's not dead!” she shrieked, pounding her fists against his chest. “He's not!”

 

“You can't fall apart, Kagome! InuYasha wouldn't want that, and you know it!” Miroku insisted.

 

“He's—not—dead!” she screeched again. “He's not . . . he's not . . . .”

 

Miroku pulled her into a fierce hug. He stifled her. She pushed against him but it was as though the very strength in her body was gone. Then came the sobs. Racking through her with a vengeance borne of the hurtful realization that InuYasha was trapped on the other side of the well, the agonizing revelation . . . he couldn't get back to her . . . .

 

She'd broken away as Miroku tried to soothe her. She'd somehow managed to pull away and had stumbled into her house.

 

That had offered her no sense of comfort, either. She understood all too well, how he'd felt caged at times, how InuYasha had paced the floors as he tried to cope with her era . . . . His journal lay on her desk. With a small sob, she picked it up, touched the cover, stroked the spine, wishing that it was him, instead.

 

Blinking back a fresh wave of tears, she opened the book, stared at the astonishingly neat handwriting—InuYasha's words.

 

`I made a wish on that stone Kagome gave me. I wished that I'd have the courage to tell her how much she means to me, to tell her that I want to be with her forever. I'm not sure if I'm more scared to ask her to be my mate or that she'll laugh at me, the worthless half-breed, the nothing hanyou. I'm not human. I'm not youkai. I'm nothing, but maybe, with Kagome . . . maybe I could be something . . . .

 

`I've watched her sleep a hundred times or more. She's really something. I'm not sure if there are words to describe how she looks when she's asleep. Like an angel, I guess? Like the feeling I get when I run through the forest with nothing but the wind in my face. That's how she looks. Alive. But I wonder, does she know? Does she really have any idea just how beautiful she is to me? I've wanted to tell her that but I can't. If I tell her that, if she realizes it for herself, won't she also realize that I'm nothing but a waste of her time?'

 

With a sob muffled by the back of her hand, Kagome dropped the journal and grabbed her backpack before racing out of the house and sprinting toward the forest. `A waste of my time? How could he ever think . . . how could he ever believe . . . InuYasha!' She had no real destination in mind, no inner voice that led her. Blindly stumbling through the forest, unaware at branches that scraped against her, roots that tried to trip her, she ran as the pain in her heart deepened, as the ache in her soul threatened to overcome her completely.

 

`InuYasha . . . you promised me . . . you promised!' she wailed as she stumbled, as she fell. She blinked in surprise, staving back another sob. `It's the tree . . . where InuYasha and I . . . .' Another broken sob welled up, another stabbing pain, as though her body was crumbling apart from the inside with only her skin holding her together . . . .

 

Kagome choked back another sob as she dug into her backpack, as she tried to force away the sound of Miroku's voice calling her name. `Why did I grab this?' she wondered, staring at her backpack in an oddly disjointed way, as though she couldn't stand to think of anything that would hurt . . . as though she could escape her pain by blocking it out. She found her walkman, stared at it as if she'd never seen one before. Closing her eyes against Miroku's entreaties . . . `Don't find me! I can't . . . I won't believe you!' She tugged the headphones over her head.

 

.

 

`You used to captivate me . . .

By your resonating light . . .

But now I'm bound by the life you left behind . . .

Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams . . .

Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me . . .

 

These wounds won't seem to heal . . .

This pain is just too real . . .

There's just too much that time cannot erase . . . .'

 

.

 

`Forever wasn't long enough, InuYasha . . . . Not even close . . . .'

 

 

::8::8::8::8::8::8::8::8::8::8:::

 

 

“Something is troubling you.”

 

Sesshoumaru glanced at his mate with a barely perceptible shrug. “It's nothing, I'm sure.”

 

Her look was matter-of-fact. She was used to Sesshoumaru's silence, his introspection. Today, though, there had been something else, something far more troubling, as if the lingering doubt, the perception that something horrible was coming to pass . . . and Sesshoumaru felt it, too. “Don't give me that. I know you, remember? What is it?”

 

Sesshoumaru stood and deliberately came around the desk to hug Leikizu, his smile thin, weak, troubled. “I assure you, Lei, there's nothing—”

 

The mansion shook as though the very foundation, and Sesshoumaru tightened his hold on Leikizu. The sound of crystal skittering on a precarious ledge, the groaning creak of the swaying house . . . the tremors that ricocheted through the floor, up the walls, a wrenching fear, an ignoble dread . . . . He leaned over Leikizu, sheltering her, protecting her as his eyes swept the room.

 

Leikizu gasped softly as she lifted her head off his chest to stare, wide eyed, at the fireplace . . . at the wooden box on the mantle. “Sesshoumaru . . . .”

 

Golden eyes flying in the same direction as Leikizu's stare, flaring wide as he straightened his back, as his mind refused to believe the truth of what he saw. “No,” Sesshoumaru hissed as he stared at the box. No longer empty, it pulsed with energy, flowed in time with the contents. Letting go of Leikizu, he slowly approached, afraid to look, knowing in his heart what he would see and yet needing to know, having to be certain.

 

Nestled in the bed of crimson silk . . . . Sesshoumaru winced, his breath as sharp as a winter gale as he reached out with a shaking hand, grasping the hilt, absently noting that the curse was, indeed, broken. He lifted it slowly as Leikizu's eyes filled with tears.

 

“Tetsusaiga.”

 

Something thick, rancid rose in his throat. Anger, bitter and repulsive, rolled over him, crashed into him like the fall of a tidal wave. “There has to have been a mistake,” Leikizu said, her tone hopeful even as her expression dissolved in a wash of tears. “It can't be . . . It can't . . . .”

 

With the pain borne of five hundred years, the resentment that he hadn't been able to change a damn thing, the futility of the very hope that had sustained him, Sesshoumaru—the Inu no Taisho, the tai-youkai—the brother—threw his head back and howled.

 

 

::8::8::8::8::8::8::8::8::8::8:::

 

 

“Sango? Are you sleeping?”

 

Sango opened her eyes and smiled at the young kitsune who hovered in the doorway. “What's wrong, Shippou?” she asked as she sat up with a grimace, patting the bed beside her.

 

Shippou walked over, shaking his head with his hands against his chest. He climbed up and frowned at Sango. The exterminator stared at the child, at his slumped shoulders, at his haunted eyes. “I don't understand,” he said in a thin voice. “There's something wrong.”

 

“With what?” Sango questioned, pushing Shippou's hair out of his eyes.

 

Drawing a deep breath, Shippou opened his hands, showing Sango the fang necklace. “With . . . Papa's fang.” The white fang was graying. Even her human eyes she could see it . . . dying?

 

“Shippou . . . ?”

 

The child shook his head, uttered a low whine as he struggled to hold back his rising upset, his youkai senses telling him that something had gone very wrong. “Does it mean . . . where is he?”

 

Sango opened her mouth to speak. The words lodged in her throat. She tried to reassure him with a hug. The kit choked out a sob as Sango closed her eyes against the intensity of loss, the all-too-familiar stab in her heart. `When youkai die, the remnants die, too . . . so if you cut off an arm, Sango, you must kill the entire beast or it will remain alive . . . .' Her father's words haunted her. As much as she wished to believe otherwise, she knew, she'd faced it before. The spiral of life and death . . . the beginning and the end . . . and the loss of a dear, dear friend.

 

“Shippou . . . .”

 

Biting back another sob, the kit suddenly pulled away, his little face contorting as he struggled not to cry. “Youkai don't cry! He said so! InuYasha said . . . he said—”

 

Holding onto the last threads of a composure that she hadn't realized she possessed, Sango's voice was calm, consoling. “It's all right to cry for a friend, Shippou, and it's all right to cry for someone you love.”

 

Wincing as the child threw himself into her arms again, Sango felt his tears dampen her nightgown as her own tears coursed down her cheeks. The terrible sense of a world coming undone . . . was this the ultimate retribution for some perceived wrong? But when had InuYasha ever truly meant harm to anyone? Protecting those he loved with a fierceness, with a will backed by the power of his heart . . . and now . . . ? `Kagome . . . oh Kagome . . . . InuYasha . . . .'

 

Suddenly Shippou gasped and leaned back. Staring down at the fang, his eyes rose to lock with Sango's, and she stared, too. Wiping away her tears, she struggled to understand what it all meant . . . .

 

 

::8::8::8::8::8::8::8::8::8::8:::

 

 

“Damn him!”

 

Leikizu cringed at the sheer volume behind Sesshoumaru's broken tone, shied away as he unleashed Tetsusaiga on the box, on the mantle. The deafening crash of splintering wood, the perverse sense that even his actions didn't alleviate the consuming pain . . . Leikizu stepped back, unable to do more than watch as her mate turned the sword on the desk. Sparks flying as the blade met with the computer screen, the acrid stench of burning plastic as smoke rose from the desecrated remnants of a soul undone . . . . With a soft sob, she watched as her mate sank to his knees, leaning upon Tetsusaiga, as though he would fall if he didn't.

 

She came forward, wrapping her arms around him. “You tried, Sesshoumaru! You tried, and—”

 

Golden eyes flashing red, flashing blood, flashing violence . . . flashing inexpressible pain . . . . “And it wasn't enough—not nearly enough! Don't you see? I failed him, and . . . I failed me.”

 

“No!” Leikizu countered, grasping his shoulders, desperate to make him see. “You didn't! You—”

 

“I will find Norimitsu, and I swear upon Tetsusaiga I will avenge him, Lei.”

 

Leikizu turned Sesshoumaru's face with gentle fingers. “Listen to me! Vengeance won't fix this! What was meant to be was meant to be! But you did try, and for that, I'm so proud of you!”

 

Sesshoumaru's face twisted into a cynical smile that was more of a grimace. “With that and my recriminations I can die in peace, Lei. I failed.”

 

“You cannot die!”

 

“And I cannot live!”

 

“Sesshoumaru!”

 

Shaking his head, his gaze challenged her. “For five hundred years have I sought to undo what I shouldn't have let happen. For five hundred years, I fought to fix the wrongs that I could have prevented. They said that you can change your destiny, Lei. They lied.”

 

She started to argue with him. Opening her mouth to counter his claims, the throbbing pulse of Tetsusaiga cut her off. Eyes widening, she stared in incredulous wonder as the sword glowed in a sapphire light. Sesshoumaru stood up slowly, raising the sword before his face. With a sharp hiss, he tightened his grip against the searing hot burn that shot up his arm from his hand.

 

 

::8::8::8::8::8::8::8::8::8::8:::

 

 

`When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears . . .

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears . . .

And I've held your hand through all of these years . . .

But you still have all of me . . .

 

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone . . .

And though you're still with me . . .

I've been alone all along . . . .'

 

.

 

`Why can't I stop hurting?' Kagome wondered as she pressed her eyes against her raised knees, wishing the pain in her heart would subside, wishing that she didn't feel so very alone, and yet knowing that the last thing she wanted or needed was the confining comfort of her friends, of the ones who believed that InuYasha really was gone. `I just want to . . . be with him . . . .'

 

Why did the well cave in?

 

Kagome whimpered, wrapping her arms tighter around herself, realizing with a sickening pang that it was poor replacement for the feel of InuYasha's embrace. `He always made me feel safe, and now . . . who will make him feel that way? How will I ever feel safe again?'

 

More hot tears spilled over, coursing down her cheeks, down her legs as she keened softly, rocking back and forth, trying in vain to soothe herself, trying not to think, not to remember. His gentle smiles, his soft touches, the way his eyes glowed as he looked at her . . . the knowledge that she was absolutely protected, the gruff demeanor that hid the beauty of his heart . . . `He's not dead . . . he can't be dead . . . I'd know it if he were . . . I'd feel it . . . .'

 

`No,' she thought as a sharp cry rose in her throat, strangling her, choking her, threatening to drive her crazy, `no, he's just . . . five hundred years in the past . . . where I can't reach him . . . where he can't reach me . . . InuYasha . . . .'

 

He had overcome Kikyou's arrow to be with her. He fought for her, saved her, loved her . . . . `I just want to love him . . . and . . . .' Closing her hands over her heart, pressing against her chest as though she could keep it from shattering all over, her eyes burned with tears unshed, with promises left broken, with the waning desire to get up, to go on slowly draining away from her.

 

“Kagome!” Miroku's voice drifted to her. She winced, wrapped her arms tighter around herself . . . trying to hide from him? Trying to hide from the inevitable brutality of the realities he wanted her to face . . . . “Kagome!”

 

Her body ached, her mind ached, her heart ached. Kagome leaned to the side, resting against the tree trunk. Staring at the first evening stars peeking down in the darkening sky through the matrix of branches, she stifled a sob as a shooting star streaked across the heavens. Closing her eyes, she sighed, heavy, broken. `Shooting star, wishing star . . . I wish . . . I want to see InuYasha's face, just one more time . . . .'

 

“Kagome.”

 

 

~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~ *~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~

 

A/N:

 

Be careful what you wish for . . . here's your update . . .

 

== == == == == == == == == ==

Final Thought from Sesshoumaru:

::sniff sniff:: This Sexxhoumaru needs a hug . . .

==========

 

Blanket disclaimer for this fanfic (will apply to this and all other chapters in Chronicles): I do not claim any rights to InuYasha or the characters associated with the anime/manga. Those rights belong to Rumiko Takahashi, et al. I do offer my thanks to her for creating such vivid characters for me to terrorize.

 

~Sue~