InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Cursed ❯ The Pain of Loss ( Chapter 42 )

Chapter Forty Two - The Pain of Loss

 

 

Hours later, Sesshoumaru slowly navigated through the carnage he'd created. So many were dead, the once great fortress of his enemy lie in ruin and the creature himself was torn to pieces. Sarath didn't even fight when the beast had come for him. He'd resigned himself to his fate; he'd seen no point in trying to deny it.

 

Sesshoumaru reluctantly made his way over to the spot where he knew her body had fallen. His angel had fallen out of the sky and he would never forgive himself for not having been there to catch her. He had failed her. What was all this power worth if he couldn't save the one thing in his life that had ever brought him happiness? He knew the answer to that question, nothing. It was worth absolutely nothing and he wished he had never been given it back. He desperately wished he were still human, that they still inhabited that little hut together and that he could just hold her sleeping form once more. It was all that he had ever found that he ever truly wanted and now he would never know that joy again.

 

It was all gone. She was gone. His life was nothing now.

 

He looked away when he finally saw her. She lay there broken and bloody among the rubble and the bodies of countless others. He turned his eyes away, the view too much for him to handle. He stood there for a long time, not looking but unwilling to walk away. He didn't want to remember her like this but he would not leave her here. She deserved so much more than...than this sickening battlefield. She deserved more than anything he could give her. She had been a perfectly beautiful creature and life had never given her anything but pain and strife. She had never hurt a soul and shown nothing but kindness to those that shunned and used her. He would never know the strength that she possessed, and now no other creature ever would either.

 

Finally, he looked back to her. He moved to kneel beside her and then pulled her limp, cold body into his chest. He cradled her there, his chin resting atop her now matted, once beautiful hair. He held her there until he found the will to stand. He clutched her to him as he walked out of the blood soaked field and into the surrounding forest. He had no destination in mind; he just wanted to take her away from the terrible scene. She had always liked the open wilderness and that is exactly where he would take her. He would give that to her at least.

 

After walking for hours or more, he finally stopped. He hadn't let a thought pass through his mind the entire time, he just moved forward. Once his feet would carry him no further, the gates finally broke and he fell to his knees. He clutched her broken form to him and buried his nose in her hair. He squeezed his eyes shut and his breaths drew in and out in little sporadic bursts that he couldn't calm. She didn't smell like she should have. She should have smelled like herbs and fresh cut wood but instead she smelled overwhelmingly like blood and death. He started to rock back and forth as wave after wave of overwhelming agony wracked his body. She should be sitting in the gardens right now, watching the fish in the little ponds and giving them names she would forget only to have the joy of giving them new names the next time she visited them. She should be...she should...

 

“YOU WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO LEAVE ME!” He suddenly howled out to the very heavens as he crushed her to him. It didn't matter that the grip would have left her bruised had she been living. Nothing mattered anymore. He didn't stop the tears that cascaded down his cheeks. He didn't even care that he had never cried before in his life. He didn't care how he looked now, if he looked broken. He was broken. He didn't care about anything but the lifeless woman he held in his arms.

 

“I just wanted you safe.” He whispered into her unhearing ear. “I didn't care that the child would be human.” His voice was accented by the still sharp intakes of breath. “I didn't care that you were human. I just didn't want to lose you!” He whined. “Not now, not yet, not like this.”

 

Like all creatures that are capable of great emotions, Sesshoumaru knew the pain of ultimate loss. He'd known rage in his life, he'd finally known love and now he knew despair.

 

“I just wanted you with me. Close enough to touch and I failed you.” The great lord continued to rock back and forth with his precious cargo held tightly to him. “I wanted you to be happy, to never have to fear anyone ever hurting you again.” He cried out the most sorrowful sound ever made. “I'm so sorry, please forgive me.” He whispered again and again, over and over. But nothing he said, nothing he wished for or lamented changed her fate. She was gone and he was destroyed.

 

Sarath had died but it didn't matter because he'd also won.

 

 

 

A single tear left usually cold, uncaring and cynical eyes. Never in all the time it had known existence had it been so moved as it was now. Brota swirled around the two creatures, one dead and the other wishing that it were. This scene had never been its intention. Never had its plans turned out in such a way.

 

It pulled itself into the appearance it had chosen for him in the beginning and soundlessly crept out of the shadows.

 

“Please tell me that you have finally come to kill me.” Sesshoumaru whispered quietly. All his sadness embodied within his tone. It surprised Brota that the broken creature even knew it was there.

 

“No.” It said softly, the feminine side of the voice the only one present. “That is not why I have come.”

 

Sesshoumaru didn't even look up. He just continued to hold Takana's broken form.

 

“Why are you here?” The words were so quiet and distant. “Did you come to gloat? Have I fallen enough for you?” He asked, the anger he tried to put in his voice failed to make it through as the anguish continued to dominate his entire being.

 

“I still hate them you know. I hate humans more now than I ever did before. How can a race survive when its best are shunned by their own kind? How do they survive when they are too damned stupid to see exactly what they have sent away? She might still be alive is they'd kept her.” He shut his eyes. “She could still be alive.” A tense silence fell over the small clearing.

 

“This was never my intention.” Its voice was still quiet.

 

“And just what was your intention.” He asked. He tried to make it sound angry but the question only sounded hollow.

 

“You were never supposed to survive the year, few ever do.”

 

“Is that why you let her die because she ruined your plans?!” The anger made it through this time.

 

“I did nothing to cause her death. I have never interfered above making you human and then returning you to what you are now. Her involvement was purely coincidental.”

 

“Coincidental!!” He yelled and pulled his eyes to that contradicting face for the first time. He was surprised to see no reproach there, only unmasked sadness.

 

“You truly did love her, didn't you?”

 

The question took him by surprise and he refocused his attention on her form once more. He shook his head as if to say no but then answered. He had nothing to lose, no one to impress. He was dead inside.

 

“I loved her life more that my own or that of any other.”

 

Brota looked about the glade. It was a glade not unlike this one where it had originally cursed this creature to the torment he now suffered. Torment was what it wanted but not like this. It hadn't expected his redemption. It hadn't expected her courage or loyalty.

 

“You have changed.” It sighed. “I have never seen one such as yourself so changed and it was all because of her, wasn't it?”

 

Sesshoumaru didn't answer aloud but gave a sharp nod of his head.

 

“She was a true innocent. They are quite rare.” It breathed.

 

“Yes.” He quietly agreed, its complimentary words doing nothing to ease his pain.

 

“She never allowed anything in her life to destroy her. Not even I am possessed of that strength. She was truly remarkable.”

 

Sesshoumaru remained silent and motionless.

 

“I alter the physical form of a creature through curse but it never really changes who they are inside, just the shape they were born to but she...she did far greater simply with her heart.” It laughed a humorless laugh. “And her change was more complete and more encompassing than any I have ever wrought. You are not the youkai you once were nor the human you were for a short while. I changed your form but she changed your soul. She was more powerful than us both.” Brota sighed. “She did not deserve the fate she was given.”

 

“No, she did not.” Sesshoumaru shakily agreed, new tears finding purchase on his pale cheeks. The creature's words stirred strange emotions within him. It intensified the pain of his loss but also allowed him to feel pride at having been influenced so greatly by as beautiful a creature as the one he held gently in his arms.

 

“She loved you.” Brota stated simply.

 

Sesshoumaru squeezed his eyes shut at that.

 

“She would have loved your child.”

 

“Why are you here tormentor? I do not need you to tell me these things.” He bit out through clenched teeth. “If you have no purpose here then leave me be.”

 

Brota looked at the broken creature. “I believe that this belongs to you.” With that, it turned and left. The voice drifted on the wind as it left him alone forever. “For what it is worth, I am truly sorry for her pain... and even for yours.”

 

After a long while, Sesshoumaru looked up at what had been left, not that it mattered. He could think of nothing important enough to be of any consequence to him now. When his eyes met with the object, they grew large and he didn't dare move in fear that it might be a trick... an illusion meant to tempt and then only disappear if he moved too quickly.

 

There, in the center of the little clearing, only a few paces from him, was the gleaming blade of Tensaiga. After what seemed a lifetime of tense moments, Sesshoumaru gently placed Takana's still body on the ground and with shaky steps, reached out for the blade his father had entrusted to him. Never before had he been so thankful to his sire for the gift he had bestowed upon his son all those years ago. A mere hair's breadth away from the hilt he stopped. The words of his long passed father floating on the wind.

 

“Do you have something to protect?”

 

He looked back at her and closed his eyes. “Yes Father, I do.” He said quietly but with more conviction than the boldest of declarations made by any great youkai before or after him. Tentatively, he wrapped his hand around the hilt.

 

The power of the pulse from the blade nearly knocked him flat on his back. It took him a moment to realize the reality of the situation. The blade wished for what he did with as much power as he did. With a haste he had never practiced, he pulled the blade from the ground and returned to her side. With uneven breaths, he swung the blade and prayed as he had never prayed before.

 

 

 

AN: Wow, I really am doing a lot of cliff hangers lately, aren't I? Well this chapter has been written for about as long as the first chapter and was one of the original inspiration ideas for the story too. Basically, I wanted to write a story where having Sesshoumaru cry was believable. So, how did I do? Did his tears make you sad or did they make you role your eyes? Also, I think I've revised this thing at least a hundred times so if there are any grammar or spelling mistakes, I truly am a lost cause.

2nd AN: HEHEHE, I have been writing hare's breath in stories for a long time…that's actually what I thought the saying was!!! My god, the things you don't even think about or question until someone points them out to you. I am such a goof sometimes! Thank you LRS-7 for pointing out the obvious that I just never really got. I'm still laughing!

 

Nikkie23534: Thank you for the kind words. And as far as the cliffies, I know, I know my bad. I just can't help myself sometimes.

Cricket42: Yeah, not angry at all, I could tell. I agree, Sarath is a pretty mean guy but the way you put it was just so...poetic. :) Rest assured, he didn't die a very painless death even though I didn't go into any detail on it and since two days seemed too long for you, I did it in less than one.

angelsfalltearfully: You have so much faith in me. I don't know if that is wise but I appreciate it all the same.

mrskcgoodman: hehe, oh I know you weren't the only one with that hand waiving in the air. I like your honesty. Cliffies do have a tendency to do that, don't they?

SnowFlakeAlchemist: My bad guys always do tend to be a little too dumb. Maybe I'll challenge myself next time and throw a competent one into the mix. Sorry, no drawn out death scene but just think of it this way, Sess thinks so little of him that he wouldn't even deign to spend so much time on someone as worthless as Sarath.