InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Dashed Hopes ❯ Memories ( Chapter 8 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
Whoot! I have the first three manga of InuYasha and the game now! And Catty is going to give me hers! I feel sooo...loved. This chapter is dedicated to the mailman for delivering my packages! Enjoy!
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Disclaimer: If I owned Inuyasha (which I obviously don’t) Kikyou would finally rest in piece (cant say that enough), Rin would always be that sweet little girl, and Kagura and Kanna would be free to do what ever they damn well pleased (even if that means evil).
Odd wishes, Huh?
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Dashed Hopes
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--- Last Chapter ---
‘Why should I care?’
--- End of Last Chapter ---
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Chapter 8: Memories
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“I’m leaving now!” Kagome yelled into Inuyasha’s ear.
“Damn it!” He screeched, jolting awake. Of course then several other profanities slipped out.
Kagome giggled in merriment.
‘Arent you supposed to be quiet and subdued like all the others?’ Inuyasha thought crossly.
“Fine,” he grunted out loud.
Kagome walked backwards, away from his desk, her laughter replaced with a thoughtful expression.
Strange.
For some odd reason, she could not remember how long she had worked in the building. The blue-eyed female felt so comfortable there, that she felt as if she had always worked at the Inutaisho Company.
“How many days have I worked here?” she mused out loud.
Inuyasha smirked playfully. He felt like teasing the poor girl. “Tomorrow is your forth,” suddenly he held up his hand and started counting off on his fingers. “The first, you almost got yourself fired. The second, you showed up looking like crap. The third, you almost got yourself fired AGAIN for leaving without permission. And the forth, you will be moving in with me.”
The young woman grinned. “At least with me around you always know to expect excitement.”
Inuyasha rolled his eyes and then chucked a pen at her. “You just might be more trouble than you’re worth!”
The grin was lost for a moment and an unidentifiable emotion darkened her stormy eyes. Mere moments later, the grin was a back and she happened to make it look only slightly forced.
“Gotta be going now!” Kagome said, managing to make it only slightly too cheerful. She skipped out of the office in mock happiness.
The ebony haired man stared at the closed wooden door.
‘What was that word I first used to describe her?’
Oh yeah.
‘Insane.’
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---
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Kagome tapped her steering wheel in time with the song playing on the radio. Do As Infinity was definitely not too bad of a group.
A large sigh escaped her lips.
Tokyo was packed.
Way too packed.
The drive home was going to take hours at the rate traffic was moving.
‘Home.’
She wasn’t going home.
She was going to a home.
Just not hers.
‘Mama.’
Switching her gaze to out the window to take her mind of the current subject of ‘home’, she starred into the dark.
Inuyasha’s words suddenly came flooding back into her mind. ‘Being more trouble than she was worth’ was not a new expression to her, of her.
She had heard it once before.
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A Year Before
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“Hey Ms. Kaze!” A twenty year old girl called cheerfully.
“Kagura. Call me Kagura, please. Formalities are wasted on me.” A young woman, only slightly older than girl, reminded Kagome yet again.
Kagome grinned. “Me too!” She stood in her expensive black mini-skirt and angora sweater. Eyes bright with happiness, she quickly asked, “Naraku ready yet?”
Kagura held back a sigh. “No. The meeting ran over time, but should end shortly. Sit down,” Kagura responded slowly in her deep, feminine drawl.
Kagome flashed a smile before lowering herself into a chair to wait for her beloved. Kagura leaned back in her leather chair. It didn’t bother her to allow Kagome a seat in her office. It was, after all, connected straight to Naraku’s. Thank goodness Kagura had extremely strong will power or her eyes might have winded up straying to Kagome’s injuries.
Kagura was extremely surprised to find the young girl she had been in acquaintance with for the past year to be in such bad physical shape. Her arms and face were battered and bruised and there was still gauze wrapped around Kagome’s head.
It didn’t take long to figure out what had happened. It wasn’t what happened that surprised her; it was whom it happened too.
Kagura had worked closely with Naraku for the last year or so. Although he always hid it, she could always tell there was extreme anger rippling just under his cool exterior.
But Naraku always talked about Kagome around the office. How proud he was about his girlfriend who was not only gorgeous, but extremely intellectual as well. She had gotten the impression that he, that stern, egotistical bastard, actually cared for the girl.
Kagura, for once, had been dumb. She had thought that Kagome had managed to keep Naraku from out bursting in fury.
But she was wrong.
He only seemed so quiet and collected at work. At home he was a monster.
What almost got the bitter woman to open her crimson eyes in surprise was the look on Kagome’s face.
She looked in love and happy.
Kagome looked oblivious to Naraku’s abusive actions.
Naraku stalked out of his office at that moment and Kagura dropped her eyes down to work on her papers. Naraku had on his normal dark smirk and walked as though he owned the word. Looking up to see his girlfriend as she stood and walked over, the smirk widened a little. “How are you feeling,” Naraku questioned.
Kagome brightened instantly at his concern but Kagura nearly gagged. Naraku did not show affection, his question was obviously not one he really wanted answered.
“Much better,” Kagome chirped.
“You might be more trouble than you’re worth,” Naraku chuckled darkly tapping her chin.
Kagome beamed at the show of affection.
“Lets go get some dinner,” Naraku commanded. Kagome obediently skipped after him, oblivious to his tone.
“Sounds great!”
Kagura narrowed her eyes at the couple’s back.
“Careful Kagome.” She whispered.
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Present
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Kagome gritted her teeth as she pressed on the accelerator to move forward a couple inches.
Naraku hadn’t taken them out for food when they had left the office.
He had beaten her.
‘It was my fault after all. It was my entire fault that he lost that account that day.’ She scolded herself. ‘I should have supported it more. Maybe if I had been there to help him argue his case, he would have won.’
Kagome clearly remembered Naraku’s blame as he slammed his fist into his her.
‘And he was right. Just like he said, it was my fault. I should have helped more.’
‘My fault.’
Naraku had been sure to get that into her head. That his failures were her fault.
And she was sure it really was.
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“I’m here!” Kagome called loudly as she stepped into the house.
“Kagome!” screeched two voices as their owners slammed into the woman.
Kagome fell back onto the floor laughing as she cradled her little family.
She felt loved.
Then she frowned.
‘No. What I felt with Naraku was love, this is just needfulness.’
Naraku’s love was the only love she had ever really felt. This couldn’t be right. Kagome threw her thoughts out the window. ‘Who gives a damn?’
The young woman just shoved her thoughts away as she once again chatted with the boys. Untangling herself, she stood and brushed away invisible dust. “SHOPPING!” she suddenly shouted, making the boys by her jump and clap their hands over their ears. The boys groaned. Both had been hoping Kagome had forgotten about their need for possessions.
Of course, shopping was never far from a girl’s mind, as they soon found out.
Sango came running at the call of one of her favorite words. “Shopping.” She agreed with her blue-eyed friend.
“Shopping!” they sang out in unison.
It always was a stress relief for them.
And a stress refill for the boys.
Kohaku quickly ran back up the stairs to get away from it all.
Oh the horror!
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“Can we go yet?” Souta groaned.
“Soon,” Kagome replied without even looking down to her brother’s face as she held a blue shirt up against Shippou.
“Try this!” Sango called from the other side of the section of the department store as she tossed over a golden colored vest.
“Perfect!” Kagome exclaimed as she stepped back to admire her son.
Shippou looked dazed, eyes glazed over. ‘What fun.’ He thought dully.
Kagome sighed and rolled her eyes. “Why don’t you guys go play at the arcade?” she asked pulling out the last of her limited amount of cash she had had when she showed up at SHA.
Both boys’ eyes brightened. Grabbing the money they quickly shouted a hasty ‘thank you sis/okaa-san’ over their shoulders.
Sango laughed as she walked up behind her blue eyed friend.
“Oh Sango, my first few paychecks are definitely going right to you.” Kagome told the magenta orbed female distractedly.
“You really don’t have to do that!” Sango immediately called back.
“Of course I have to! You’re buying Souta, Shippou, and I an all new fall and winter wardrobe!”
Sango sighed and threw up her hands in mock defeat. “Fine! But only the first one!”
Kagome eyes widened. “I knew Inuyasha was loaded, but one paycheck pay for all this?”
Sango shook her head. “Think of the rest being an early birthday present for all of you.”
“And Valentines Day present, and Christmas, even though you aren’t Christian, right?” Kagome asked, eyebrow raised.
Sango pouted. “I always liked the sound of a holiday all in the spirit of giving and receiving. Too bad Buddha never thought of that one!”
“I’m sure we could come up with a holiday just as good as Christmas.” Kagome reprehended.
Sango giggled. “Miroku’s actually from a long line of Buddhist monks!”
Kagome sighed. “I’ve only seen him in his natural ways once or twice, but that really doesn’t make all that much sense.”
“Inuyasha celebrates Christmas!” Sango suddenly said, remembering that not all three of the friends were Buddhist.
“Really?”
“Yeah! And we always get a gift from him! It’s the only time he seems even slightly thoughtful.”
Kagome, to tell the truth, wasn’t sure which she was. Her mom came from the slim portion of Christians in Japan, but her late father was a dedicated Buddhist.
She had, after all, grown up on a shrine.
Her mom had given up her religion and reverted to her husband’s. But they had still celebrated a few of the Christian holidays that her mom missed. Like Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and Easter. Kagome had grown up wanting to be a shrine maiden. A priestess.
But things change as you grow older.
“I celebrate Christmas too,” Kagome said quietly.
Sango suddenly paled.
She remembered then that she barely knew the woman next to her. Even though they naturally felt so comfortable together that they could be sisters, they could still be considered strangers.
A twinkle brightened magenta eyes just then.
They’d spend the last night of the Higurashi’s stay at her home as an all nighter where they'd learn everything about each other.
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And they did.
Sango knew everything about Kagome and vice versa.
It was a very interesting conversation.
Sango revealed her parents’ death in the fire and Kagome told of her father’s bout, and failure, with cancer.
They knew about each other’s siblings, hardships, weaknesses, and strengths.
Like Souta’s first word: tree. That was because of all the time his sister had spent in the Go-shinboku Tree, the spiritual huge tree on the shrine grounds. And Shippou’s was kitsune. Which was because of his parent’s fascination with the foxes on the wildlife preserve they watched over. Kohaku’s was Sango, because of the tremendous love and respect he felt for his sister, even at that young of an age.
Sango learned of how Kagome had adopted Shippou.
Kagome had been delivering a fox cub she had found in the mini shrine of her home when she was sixteen. Her and Shippou’s young parents had became friends despite the age difference and had visited each other often. Kagome had fallen in love with the red haired baby, and when his parents died, Kagome had gladly taken in her dear friends’ son. And she loved him like Shippou was her own.
Many other things were learned and Kagome ended up getting the sneaking suspicion that there was more to Sango and Miroku’s relationship than what met the eye.
Kagome smirked evilly in her mind at the fact that she had gotten hold of the information without Sango knowing.
She’d have to help fix their problems.
By sunrise, the two girls gladly knew each other as if they had grown up together. Both were happy about this and were even closer than before.
Sango decided to fill Miroku and Inuyasha just a bit with information that they really needed to know.
But nothing personal of course, just enough so they knew about Kagome.
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Kagome stepped out of her ice cold shower. Not sleeping a wink last night really made her need a wake up call.
“I’m going!” she called to her friend as she ran past Sango out the door.
It was her forth day, which happened to be a Friday.
Whistling a happy tune, Kagome piled into Sango’s car.
She felt good with her new mid-thigh black skirt and bright red blouse. It felt good that they were her own. She'd bought them. Not Sango. Her. She'd gone out and shopped and tried on the outfit, loved it, and bought it. Taking a large hair clip, she scooped up her silky, charcoal waves and attached the clip to the back of her head.
Arriving an alarmingly short time later, she stepped into elevator to come face to face with Sesshoumaru.
“Hello, Mr. Youkai!” she sang out to the tall, proud man beside her.
Sesshoumaru resisted the urge to raise an eyebrow at her cheerful behavior. “Morning,” he said simply.
Considering how many times in the past four days that she had changed her tune, he came to a silent decision.
‘Emotionally unstable.’
Not that with he should complain. Felt good to actually work with someone who wasn’t completely predictable.
But he’d have to tread carefully if he wanted to survive this.
But of course, he was Sesshoumaru; he did what he wanted when he wanted. No odd girl was going to change he at all.
Well.
Maybe a little.
He liked being around emotional girls, especially when they were crying, less than Inuyasha.
Weakness disgusted him.
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A/N: Good old Sesshoumaru. Always Mr. Sensitive, that he is. I love him...::sigh::
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Disclaimer: If I owned Inuyasha (which I obviously don’t) Kikyou would finally rest in piece (cant say that enough), Rin would always be that sweet little girl, and Kagura and Kanna would be free to do what ever they damn well pleased (even if that means evil).
Odd wishes, Huh?
.
.
.
Dashed Hopes
.
.
.
--- Last Chapter ---
‘Why should I care?’
--- End of Last Chapter ---
.
.
.
Chapter 8: Memories
.
.
.
“I’m leaving now!” Kagome yelled into Inuyasha’s ear.
“Damn it!” He screeched, jolting awake. Of course then several other profanities slipped out.
Kagome giggled in merriment.
‘Arent you supposed to be quiet and subdued like all the others?’ Inuyasha thought crossly.
“Fine,” he grunted out loud.
Kagome walked backwards, away from his desk, her laughter replaced with a thoughtful expression.
Strange.
For some odd reason, she could not remember how long she had worked in the building. The blue-eyed female felt so comfortable there, that she felt as if she had always worked at the Inutaisho Company.
“How many days have I worked here?” she mused out loud.
Inuyasha smirked playfully. He felt like teasing the poor girl. “Tomorrow is your forth,” suddenly he held up his hand and started counting off on his fingers. “The first, you almost got yourself fired. The second, you showed up looking like crap. The third, you almost got yourself fired AGAIN for leaving without permission. And the forth, you will be moving in with me.”
The young woman grinned. “At least with me around you always know to expect excitement.”
Inuyasha rolled his eyes and then chucked a pen at her. “You just might be more trouble than you’re worth!”
The grin was lost for a moment and an unidentifiable emotion darkened her stormy eyes. Mere moments later, the grin was a back and she happened to make it look only slightly forced.
“Gotta be going now!” Kagome said, managing to make it only slightly too cheerful. She skipped out of the office in mock happiness.
The ebony haired man stared at the closed wooden door.
‘What was that word I first used to describe her?’
Oh yeah.
‘Insane.’
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---
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Kagome tapped her steering wheel in time with the song playing on the radio. Do As Infinity was definitely not too bad of a group.
A large sigh escaped her lips.
Tokyo was packed.
Way too packed.
The drive home was going to take hours at the rate traffic was moving.
‘Home.’
She wasn’t going home.
She was going to a home.
Just not hers.
‘Mama.’
Switching her gaze to out the window to take her mind of the current subject of ‘home’, she starred into the dark.
Inuyasha’s words suddenly came flooding back into her mind. ‘Being more trouble than she was worth’ was not a new expression to her, of her.
She had heard it once before.
.
A Year Before
.
“Hey Ms. Kaze!” A twenty year old girl called cheerfully.
“Kagura. Call me Kagura, please. Formalities are wasted on me.” A young woman, only slightly older than girl, reminded Kagome yet again.
Kagome grinned. “Me too!” She stood in her expensive black mini-skirt and angora sweater. Eyes bright with happiness, she quickly asked, “Naraku ready yet?”
Kagura held back a sigh. “No. The meeting ran over time, but should end shortly. Sit down,” Kagura responded slowly in her deep, feminine drawl.
Kagome flashed a smile before lowering herself into a chair to wait for her beloved. Kagura leaned back in her leather chair. It didn’t bother her to allow Kagome a seat in her office. It was, after all, connected straight to Naraku’s. Thank goodness Kagura had extremely strong will power or her eyes might have winded up straying to Kagome’s injuries.
Kagura was extremely surprised to find the young girl she had been in acquaintance with for the past year to be in such bad physical shape. Her arms and face were battered and bruised and there was still gauze wrapped around Kagome’s head.
It didn’t take long to figure out what had happened. It wasn’t what happened that surprised her; it was whom it happened too.
Kagura had worked closely with Naraku for the last year or so. Although he always hid it, she could always tell there was extreme anger rippling just under his cool exterior.
But Naraku always talked about Kagome around the office. How proud he was about his girlfriend who was not only gorgeous, but extremely intellectual as well. She had gotten the impression that he, that stern, egotistical bastard, actually cared for the girl.
Kagura, for once, had been dumb. She had thought that Kagome had managed to keep Naraku from out bursting in fury.
But she was wrong.
He only seemed so quiet and collected at work. At home he was a monster.
What almost got the bitter woman to open her crimson eyes in surprise was the look on Kagome’s face.
She looked in love and happy.
Kagome looked oblivious to Naraku’s abusive actions.
Naraku stalked out of his office at that moment and Kagura dropped her eyes down to work on her papers. Naraku had on his normal dark smirk and walked as though he owned the word. Looking up to see his girlfriend as she stood and walked over, the smirk widened a little. “How are you feeling,” Naraku questioned.
Kagome brightened instantly at his concern but Kagura nearly gagged. Naraku did not show affection, his question was obviously not one he really wanted answered.
“Much better,” Kagome chirped.
“You might be more trouble than you’re worth,” Naraku chuckled darkly tapping her chin.
Kagome beamed at the show of affection.
“Lets go get some dinner,” Naraku commanded. Kagome obediently skipped after him, oblivious to his tone.
“Sounds great!”
Kagura narrowed her eyes at the couple’s back.
“Careful Kagome.” She whispered.
.
Present
.
Kagome gritted her teeth as she pressed on the accelerator to move forward a couple inches.
Naraku hadn’t taken them out for food when they had left the office.
He had beaten her.
‘It was my fault after all. It was my entire fault that he lost that account that day.’ She scolded herself. ‘I should have supported it more. Maybe if I had been there to help him argue his case, he would have won.’
Kagome clearly remembered Naraku’s blame as he slammed his fist into his her.
‘And he was right. Just like he said, it was my fault. I should have helped more.’
‘My fault.’
Naraku had been sure to get that into her head. That his failures were her fault.
And she was sure it really was.
.
---
.
“I’m here!” Kagome called loudly as she stepped into the house.
“Kagome!” screeched two voices as their owners slammed into the woman.
Kagome fell back onto the floor laughing as she cradled her little family.
She felt loved.
Then she frowned.
‘No. What I felt with Naraku was love, this is just needfulness.’
Naraku’s love was the only love she had ever really felt. This couldn’t be right. Kagome threw her thoughts out the window. ‘Who gives a damn?’
The young woman just shoved her thoughts away as she once again chatted with the boys. Untangling herself, she stood and brushed away invisible dust. “SHOPPING!” she suddenly shouted, making the boys by her jump and clap their hands over their ears. The boys groaned. Both had been hoping Kagome had forgotten about their need for possessions.
Of course, shopping was never far from a girl’s mind, as they soon found out.
Sango came running at the call of one of her favorite words. “Shopping.” She agreed with her blue-eyed friend.
“Shopping!” they sang out in unison.
It always was a stress relief for them.
And a stress refill for the boys.
Kohaku quickly ran back up the stairs to get away from it all.
Oh the horror!
.
---
.
“Can we go yet?” Souta groaned.
“Soon,” Kagome replied without even looking down to her brother’s face as she held a blue shirt up against Shippou.
“Try this!” Sango called from the other side of the section of the department store as she tossed over a golden colored vest.
“Perfect!” Kagome exclaimed as she stepped back to admire her son.
Shippou looked dazed, eyes glazed over. ‘What fun.’ He thought dully.
Kagome sighed and rolled her eyes. “Why don’t you guys go play at the arcade?” she asked pulling out the last of her limited amount of cash she had had when she showed up at SHA.
Both boys’ eyes brightened. Grabbing the money they quickly shouted a hasty ‘thank you sis/okaa-san’ over their shoulders.
Sango laughed as she walked up behind her blue eyed friend.
“Oh Sango, my first few paychecks are definitely going right to you.” Kagome told the magenta orbed female distractedly.
“You really don’t have to do that!” Sango immediately called back.
“Of course I have to! You’re buying Souta, Shippou, and I an all new fall and winter wardrobe!”
Sango sighed and threw up her hands in mock defeat. “Fine! But only the first one!”
Kagome eyes widened. “I knew Inuyasha was loaded, but one paycheck pay for all this?”
Sango shook her head. “Think of the rest being an early birthday present for all of you.”
“And Valentines Day present, and Christmas, even though you aren’t Christian, right?” Kagome asked, eyebrow raised.
Sango pouted. “I always liked the sound of a holiday all in the spirit of giving and receiving. Too bad Buddha never thought of that one!”
“I’m sure we could come up with a holiday just as good as Christmas.” Kagome reprehended.
Sango giggled. “Miroku’s actually from a long line of Buddhist monks!”
Kagome sighed. “I’ve only seen him in his natural ways once or twice, but that really doesn’t make all that much sense.”
“Inuyasha celebrates Christmas!” Sango suddenly said, remembering that not all three of the friends were Buddhist.
“Really?”
“Yeah! And we always get a gift from him! It’s the only time he seems even slightly thoughtful.”
Kagome, to tell the truth, wasn’t sure which she was. Her mom came from the slim portion of Christians in Japan, but her late father was a dedicated Buddhist.
She had, after all, grown up on a shrine.
Her mom had given up her religion and reverted to her husband’s. But they had still celebrated a few of the Christian holidays that her mom missed. Like Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and Easter. Kagome had grown up wanting to be a shrine maiden. A priestess.
But things change as you grow older.
“I celebrate Christmas too,” Kagome said quietly.
Sango suddenly paled.
She remembered then that she barely knew the woman next to her. Even though they naturally felt so comfortable together that they could be sisters, they could still be considered strangers.
A twinkle brightened magenta eyes just then.
They’d spend the last night of the Higurashi’s stay at her home as an all nighter where they'd learn everything about each other.
.
---
.
And they did.
Sango knew everything about Kagome and vice versa.
It was a very interesting conversation.
Sango revealed her parents’ death in the fire and Kagome told of her father’s bout, and failure, with cancer.
They knew about each other’s siblings, hardships, weaknesses, and strengths.
Like Souta’s first word: tree. That was because of all the time his sister had spent in the Go-shinboku Tree, the spiritual huge tree on the shrine grounds. And Shippou’s was kitsune. Which was because of his parent’s fascination with the foxes on the wildlife preserve they watched over. Kohaku’s was Sango, because of the tremendous love and respect he felt for his sister, even at that young of an age.
Sango learned of how Kagome had adopted Shippou.
Kagome had been delivering a fox cub she had found in the mini shrine of her home when she was sixteen. Her and Shippou’s young parents had became friends despite the age difference and had visited each other often. Kagome had fallen in love with the red haired baby, and when his parents died, Kagome had gladly taken in her dear friends’ son. And she loved him like Shippou was her own.
Many other things were learned and Kagome ended up getting the sneaking suspicion that there was more to Sango and Miroku’s relationship than what met the eye.
Kagome smirked evilly in her mind at the fact that she had gotten hold of the information without Sango knowing.
She’d have to help fix their problems.
By sunrise, the two girls gladly knew each other as if they had grown up together. Both were happy about this and were even closer than before.
Sango decided to fill Miroku and Inuyasha just a bit with information that they really needed to know.
But nothing personal of course, just enough so they knew about Kagome.
.
---
.
Kagome stepped out of her ice cold shower. Not sleeping a wink last night really made her need a wake up call.
“I’m going!” she called to her friend as she ran past Sango out the door.
It was her forth day, which happened to be a Friday.
Whistling a happy tune, Kagome piled into Sango’s car.
She felt good with her new mid-thigh black skirt and bright red blouse. It felt good that they were her own. She'd bought them. Not Sango. Her. She'd gone out and shopped and tried on the outfit, loved it, and bought it. Taking a large hair clip, she scooped up her silky, charcoal waves and attached the clip to the back of her head.
Arriving an alarmingly short time later, she stepped into elevator to come face to face with Sesshoumaru.
“Hello, Mr. Youkai!” she sang out to the tall, proud man beside her.
Sesshoumaru resisted the urge to raise an eyebrow at her cheerful behavior. “Morning,” he said simply.
Considering how many times in the past four days that she had changed her tune, he came to a silent decision.
‘Emotionally unstable.’
Not that with he should complain. Felt good to actually work with someone who wasn’t completely predictable.
But he’d have to tread carefully if he wanted to survive this.
But of course, he was Sesshoumaru; he did what he wanted when he wanted. No odd girl was going to change he at all.
Well.
Maybe a little.
He liked being around emotional girls, especially when they were crying, less than Inuyasha.
Weakness disgusted him.
.
.
.
A/N: Good old Sesshoumaru. Always Mr. Sensitive, that he is. I love him...::sigh::