InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Early December ❯ Nine ( Chapter 10 )

Disclaimer: Let's see. . . If my math is right. . . I have answered this question (for Inu-Yasha) no less then 146 times. (Not counting this chapter.) Though my math may be off a bit (it's hard to count this high ^_~), the point remains the same- - -

If I didn't own Inu-Yasha all those times. . .

What the heck makes you think I own it now?

Author's Note: Hiyas! ^_^

How was your day?

Mine was okay-

Though one of my NAMELESS *coughmirokucough* friends stole my math stuff and held it ransom, lest I write a lemon fic.

I stole it all back, though, so still no lemons from me.

^_^;

Er-

Anyway-

Only one question to answer:

`If Naraku was defeated and the Shikon is gone- why is Miroku's hand still wrapped in prayer beads?'

Well, believe it or not people-

Even though this fic is mostly just fun humor-

It will have a plot.

No (amazingly enough ^_^;), I did not forget about the bead- I'm using them in my plot.

^_^ Kay?

Well. . .

Here we go! XD

This shall be fun, ne?

~*~

~Chapter Nine: Birds, Bees, Storks, and Puppets~

~Inu-Yasha's PoV~

"Okay, the plan," Kagome whispers from the corner of her mouth, watching Kaguya play ball with Shippo. "Once Shippo-chan's got her to turn around so her back is to us- you `attack'. I'll meet you by the river."

"Right," I nod once, my ears pressed flat to my head.

This is a dangerous operation, this is. . .

My mate and I are hidden in twin bushes, dressed in the bathing suits Kag had brought from her time. They're helpful to use with giving Kaguya a bath-

They function well when wet.

Once I tried to wash her in my haori. . .

I swear, I brought most of the river out of that bath with me.

I literally sloshed though the week- even after wringing out the stupid thing!

So Kagome's weird swimming trunks are pretty helpful- - -

Though I don't like it's bright, lime green cloth; which is decorated in large fronded, thin trees and dark brown, sphere-shaped fruits.

. . .

It something else Kag says I look `cute' in.

. . .

Curse the cuteness.

"All right- onnnnne more second. . ." Kagome whispers, clenching a basket of soaps and shampoos in her hands.

Wish she'd include a few sedatives in her bath stuff.

That would come in handy, hmm?

"Aaaaand- - - Go!"

Leaping out of the bush at full speed, leaves soaring around me, I carefully tackle the little girl to the ground; careful to make sure I don't hurt her.

"EEEE!" she giggling loudly. " `Gain! `Gain!"

"Nope," I reply, tightening my arms around her as she wiggles. "Time for a bath."

She goes limp.

Her eyes widen.

. . .

Maybe I shouldn't have said that right out. . .

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Kaguya screams, flailing her small fists and kicking her feet as I try to keep my grasp on her.

Gods, it's like trying to hold a fish!

"NONONONONONONONONONONONONO!!!"

"Ow!" I grunt as she manages to grab my hair; yanking it as hard as she possibly can; almost literally crawling up the side of my face. "Yo! Stop it-!"

"NO BATH!" she bellows, sobbing and kicking her feet into my chest. "NO! NONONONONONONOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

"Come ON!" I snarl, regaining my hold on her and throwing her over my shoulder, wincing as she continues to pull out my hair.

Ignoring her as she pounds my back, I walk casually into the town, resisting the urge to massage my ringing ears as she continues screaming bloody murder.

"Look! `Tis Inu-Yasha!" one man gasps, pointing as Kaguya continues to cry.

"He's stealing the monk and exterminator's child!" another gapes, pointing in horror.

"He's going to eat her!" a third bellows, grabbing a broom.

"WE MUST SAVE HER!" a woman exclaims in what she must think is a heroic, daring voice.

Oh gods.

WHUMPH.

"OWOWOWOW!" I roar as a large group of villagers knock me to the ground, trying to pry a still sobbing Kaguya away from me as they whap me over the head with brooms, tug my ears and hair, and stomp on me. "FOR THE LOVE OF THE *$#&@$% GODS, I'M JUST GOING TO GIVE THE RUNT A BATH!"

"Don't- *whap*- believe- *wham*- him!" an old lady screams, continually bringing an old chicken cage down on my head; her force surprising for a withering crone.

"GET OFF OF ME!" I growl, holding tightly to Kaguya's legs as a group of men grab her arms, trying to tug her away as another league of males sit upon my back.

"LET GO OF *HER*!"

"Tell *me* what's going on!"

Everyone stops quite suddenly; Kaguya still suspended in the air by a whole horde of hands as half of the village continues their dog pile upon me- - -

As Sango walks into the chaos, looking utterly confused.

"Um. .. why are you trying to yank my daughter in two?" she questions, an eyebrow arched as the hand holding her Boomerang tightens.

"Inu-Yasha! He's trying to steal her, miss!" one woman says breathlessly.

"Yes! He's going to eat her!"

"Kill her!"

"Molest her!"

"For the love of the gods, all I was gonna do was bathe her!" I cry in exasperation, looking up at Sango; my eyes narrowed. "Tell them!"

Slowly, the exterminator smirks, squatting next to me and pushing a strand of my ratted silver hair out of my face.

"You know," she grins, "this would be a great opportunity to get you back for spying on me and Kagome-chan during our bath."

"You already hit me with a boulder for that- AND I DIDN'T DESERVE IT, ANYWAY!" I retort angrily. "Besides- if you let them cart me off to kill, *you'd* be stuck giving your daughter her washing."

Sango's eyes widen slightly.

"Curse it. You're right."

"NO WANNA BATH!" Kaguya screams in high pitched tones, making everyone wince- and a nearby vase shatter.

"All right, off of him," Sango sighs, getting to her feet and dusting off her clothes. "I told him to give her a bath, people. Let him go."

"See?!" I yell at random villagers as they slowly begin to move, still looking rather unsure. "I told you! Gods, you're all idiots! Idiots! And you, Sango, you bitch! How can you even think of allowing them-!"

"Whoever's closest to him- give his ear a hard yank for me."

"OOOOOOOOOOOOW!"

"Thanks."

*

"Woah , what happened to you?"

I glare half-heatedly at Kagome as- with as much dignity as I can muster- I limp the rest of the way to the river.

My hair is disheveled and tinted with a brownish hue, I'm cut all over from broom twigs and the chicken cage, my ears are sore, and- to top it all off- Kaguya still has not stopped screaming.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she sobs, giving my hair another hard yank.

Resisting the urge to throw the girl head first into the water, I trek the rest of the way to my mate, who is dressed in her usual red swim suit- though it's more snug around her stomach now.

"Gee, I think you need a bath more than she does," Kagome grins playfully, undaunted by my icy glare. "My poor puppy."

"Just take her," I grumble, indicating the crying mass upon my shoulder- who's hands are dangerously close to my already painful ears.

"Fine, fine," Kag rolls her eyes, trying to pry Kaguya off of me.

Though it takes quite a bit of muscle.

"NO! NO WANNA TAKE BATH! NO NO NOOOOO!" she sobs, clinging to my hair.

"Let go of me!" I cry, holding my head to try to save my scalp as the little girl pulls.

"Come on, Kaguya-chan," Kagome soothes, giving the girl a fruitless tug. "Let go of Inu-Yasha. . ."

"NO WANNA TAKE BATH! NO! NO! NO!"

"Who says you're going to take a bath?"

Kaguya blinked, her grip loosening enough that I can back away and get out of her range.

"N. . . No bath. . . ?"

"No, silly!" Kagome smiles cheerfully. "We're going for a swim in the lake!"

"Swim. . . ?"

"Mhm! And because you're special, we're going to add bubbles into the lake!"

"B-bubbles. . .?"

"Yup!"

". . . But no bath. . .?"

"Nope. Just a swim with bubbles."

". . . Swimming!"

I swear, I could have killed the kid right then.

"Come on, Inu-chan," Kagome smiles as she puts Kaguya down, allowing the girl to undress herself- practically throwing her dirty clothes away as she hopped into the water, singing about bubbles. "Let's all go swimming."

"I don't wanna," I grumble.

"Oh, come on, don't be such a baby."

"Bubbles are pretty and round and shiny and round and sparkly and round and. . . round!" Kaguya chants, waving her discarded blouse about her head as Kagome gently pulls the ties out of the little girl's pig tails.

"Come on, Inu-Yasha, I need you to grab the soa- er- bubbles," Kag calls. "Get out from behind the bush. You need a bat- er- swim as badly as she does."

"Do not."

"Yes, you do."

"Do not!"

"You're a stinky puppy and you know it, so get your rear in the water!"

Sighing deeply, I trek out into the shallow part of the river with the basket and flop down, looking sulky.

"Unccy Inu's pouting!" Kaguya giggles, racing up to me and splashing me with water.

"He's always pouting for some reason," a voice calls cheerfully from the banks.

It's Miroku.

I take another sniff.

And Sango too.

She smells amused.

Stupid wench.

"What do you guys want?" I grumble, ignoring Kagome as she gently hits my shoulder in reprimand.

"Oh, I just wanted to see your battle damage from your war with the villagers," the monk says cheerfully. "So turn around and face me, Inu-Yasha."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I enjoy being a pain."

"You do it so well."

"Thank you."

"Come on, guys, don't fight," Kagome sighs, taking out a bottle of shampoo and squeezing it's contents into one of her hands. "Come here, Kaguya-chan."

Obediently, the girl sits in front of Kagome, leaning against her as Kag begins to wash her hair.

Then-

"Awntie Kagome?" Kaguya asks as Sango and Miroku take a seat by the shore, deciding it was more exciting to stick around and watch their daughter get bathed then go finish their chores in the village.

"Yes, honey?"

"Why are you fat?"

Each and every one of us stop whatever we're doing, looking over at the girl in Kagome's lap with wide eyes.

The softest of growls escapes my lips as I turn to glare at Kaguya's parents.

"Kaguya!" Sango finally gasps, glaring at her child. "That was NOT at all polite! Apologize!"

"What?!" Kaguya pouts indignant. "She's not as skinny as before, mama! I wanna know why!"

She's silent for a moment as the adults glance at one another.

I can hear Sango and Miroku begin a whisper conversation.

"We could tell her that Kagome-sama ate too much."

"Then how will we explain the baby this winter?!"

"I-!"

"Well, um- Kaguya-chan," Kagome begins slowly, oblivious to the monk and exterminator.

Sango makes a hurried `cut it out!' gesture, but my mate doesn't see it.

"I'm gonna have a baby. . ."

We wait for the girl's reaction.

And it is- - -!

"Oh. . ."

Kaguya considers this.

"So that's why your tummy is bigger?" she questions.

I glance over at Sango and Miroku.

They look rather relieved. . .

"Mhm."

Another moment of silence.

I raise an eyebrow.

Is it over?

. . .

Nope.

"So why are you fatter? How did the baby get there?" Kaguya asks, soap dribbling down her face as Kagome scrubs her hair- now looking rather embarrassed.

"Er-"

"Did you swallow it?"

"No!"

"Then how?"

"Um. . ."

She looks desperately over at me.

I shrug.

Hell- I didn't learn about rutting `til I was 10. I didn't know how to explain it to the brat.

"Well. . . er. . ."

"This is what happens," Miroku interrupts- ignoring everyone's horrified looks. "You see, men and woman each have different p- - -"

He's cut off as a bolder lands upon his head- thrown by his bright-red wife.

"Don't tell her that!" Sango screams, looking highly embarrassed.

Kaguya blinks.

"Well, mama?"

The exterminator freezes, looking unsure.

"Uh. . ."

"Why can't I just tell her?" Miroku complains, rubbing his now sore noggin.

"BECAUSE I DON'T WANT HER TO HEAR IT FROM *YOU*, MY PERVERTED HOUSHI!" Sango hisses.

"Oh!" Kagome suddenly exclaims. "I know!"

Everyone glances towards my mate as she addresses Kaguya.

"Okay, Kaguya-chan," Kag begins cheerfully. "After a woman and a man- or- er- hanyou-"

"Or monk?" she questions, looking towards her father.

"Right, or monk- get mat- er- married, sometimes they decide they want a baby. So what will happen is a stork will come and give them one."

A long silence envelopes us as a soft wind blows though.

. . .

"Excuse me?" Miroku finally asks.

"What the hell is a stork?" I question, blinking in confusion.

"Er- its a kind of bird. . ." Kagome explains.

"I've never seen one. . ." Sango says slowly. "What's it look like?"

"Well. . .It's. . . um. . . big. . . and it's white. . ."

"Never seen one," Miroku shrugs.

"Look, guys, that was to answer *her* question- not start up a ton of your *own*!" my mate cries in exasperation.

"Why don't we just tell her the truth?!" the monk asks hotly.

"Because she can't *handle* the truth!" Sango retorts.

"Why not?!"

"Because she's little! You need to keep this at a four-year-old level!"

"What?! Do you want to teach her about reproduction with a puppet show?!"

*

Ten minutes later, still in the middle of being bathed, Kaguya is intently watching her father perform a rather lively puppet show using a bush, two people made of twigs, and a whole lot of stupidity.

"You see, these two people love each other a lot," Miroku's disembodied voice comes from the shrub as Kaguya takes a bite of the soap, coincidentally hiccuping up iridescent bubbles.

I take the bar from her and throw it at the greenery, smirking as it connects with the monk's head with a `thunk!'.

"Ow! Don't do that! Anyway- so the man asks the woman to bare his child- - -"

"Not all men do that," I retort. "Just you. Most of us have better pick up lines."

"All right then, he asks the woman if she'd like a good shag-"

"PG! PG!" Kagome cries, covering Kaguya's ears.

"Okay, okay!" he grumbles in frustration. "He asks the woman if she and a few of her friends would like to participate in an orgy- - - "

"MIROKUUUUUUUU!" we all bellow, Sango whapping him hard over the head with another bolder.

"What's an orgy?" Kaguya blinks.

"Now look what you've started, monk!" the exterminator screams. "DO THIS RIGHT!"

"Whatever you say, my dear. . ." Miroku sighs, looking rather deflated as he gives his show one more try. "So the man asks the woman if she'd like to have kids, and- for the sake of education and all things easy- she says yes. So they hop in bed and get undressed."

"Why?"

"Because that's the way it is."

"Why?"

"Because it's easier that way."

"Why?"

"Because in order to engage in sexual intercourse, one must have their more privet areas free of cloth," Miroku replies promptly, causing every single one of us- except the little girl, who didn't have a clue- to gaze at one another in absolute exasperation.

". . . Huh?"

"Never mind," the monk sighs. "Let's just say they *have* to be starker, okay, honey?"

"M'kay!" Kaguya chirps cheerfully.

"Right. So they hop into bed. There's a lot of kissing and stuff like that that I won't tell you about, but then they- - -"

"Call that bird Kagome-chan talked about and the baby is delivered later," Sango interrupts in a rush, bonking her husband over the noggin to shut up.

"Ooooooh!" the girl nods in understanding.

"Hey!" Miroku whines, poking his head up from behind the bush. "I was just getting to the good part!"

"Shut up," Sango hisses.

"Just one more question, mama," Kaguya calls after dunking herself in the water, rinsing all the soap off her body.

"Yes, sweetie?" the exterminator replies, sounding rather tired.

"Why does Awntie Kagome get fat if the bird gives you the baby?"

"Er- - - um- - -"

Kagome buries her face in her hands as I sigh in exasperation.

Right back to the beginning.

Here we go again. . .

*

A little while later we are all clean, dressed, and at out wits end.

Miroku won, and Sango allowed him to tell their daughter *all* the details.

And believe me-

He spared *no* expense.

"Hey, Shippo-chan!" Kaguya cries cheerfully as we near the kitsune, who is calmly eating an apple in his favorite climbing tree. "Let's get Kaede-sama and have an orgy!"

I'm torn between concern and amusement as Shippo falls off the branch, choking on his fruit.

"What the hell?!" he gasps, looking up at the girl in horror.

She smiles innocently back.

"She was just taught all about the birds and the bees," Kagome explains exhaustedly as we all hike into Kaede's hut. Rooting though her second yellow bag, she quickly locates and pulls out a medicine container that I recognize as housing aspirin.

"No, I didn't learn about the birds and the bees!" Kaguya corrects cheerfully. "I learned about sex!"

My mate and I lean against one anothers' backs, sighing deeply as Kaguya rattles off all she learned to the wide-eyed, horror-struck kitsune.

It's gonna be a looooooong night. . .

~*~

^_^

Hope you enjoyed!

Please R&R!

Ja ne!