InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Enlightenment ❯ Chapter 18 ( Chapter 18 )

Chapter 18

 

“How are you, Inuyasha?” Kikyou asked calmly.

 

One thing that could be said about Kikyou was her eerie calmness. Inuyasha couldn't think of a time when the woman had ever lost her composure. No matter what the situation, she was just always so damn calm and collected. He could just imagine her standing there stalk still while a ranting man was holding her at gun point.

 

Inuyasha watched as the waitress brought over their orders of coffee. Kikyou politely said a quiet thank you while he just gave a quick nod. He hadn't seen Kikyou since his divorce and was determined to leave her at last in the past because he thought that she wouldn't come back a second time. Apparently he was wrong.

 

“You seem surprised to see me,” she said looking over at him while she blew over her hot coffee.

 

“I thought you left town right after Kagome met you,” he replied gruffly.

 

“Oh yes… that. That was three years ago. I have to say that was a very interesting way of meeting your ex-wife and your son,” Kikyou said with a bitter smile.

 

Inuyasha heaved a deep sigh. He remembered the outcome of that incident all too clearly. It had upset Kagome and Tai. That night was a night that he could never forget. His own son didn't want anything to do with him. The image of Tai covered in black paint, obviously devastated from learning the truth about the cause of the divorce, made his heart clench in fear and guilt.

 

“Kikyou, what do you want?” Inuyasha asked exhaustedly.

 

Kikyou gave him a small, mysterious smile; it was the same kind of smile that used to send shivers up his spine.

 

“Is it so wrong to come and have a nice cup of coffee with an old friend?” she asked undeterred.

 

“I can't let you do this to me anymore, Kikyou,” he said reaching into his back pocket for his wallet.

 

He really wasn't in the mood to get into this with her. Hell, he didn't have the emotional or mental capacity to figure out how he could let himself get entangled with Kikyou in an affair. Because of everything she represented to him, everything in his life had drastically changed. Some for the better and others for worse. He couldn't take this anymore.

 

“That's very rude of you, Inuyasha. You haven't even asked me how I'm doing,” Kikyou replied in a hush but cold tone. “We're not done here.”

 

Inuyasha looked her in the eyes in utter disbelief. This didn't make any sense to him. Why was Kikyou being so insistent? Well then again, a woman like Kikyou was proud and there was no doubt that she would not tolerate being rejected or dismissed so easily.

 

“I don't want anything to do with you,” he grunted.

 

“You act like you're the victim in this whole thing,” she spoke calmly. “I'm sure you have some idea how difficult your father has made it for me to find another job in this city.”

 

“So why don't you leave?” he said coldly before turning his back to leave the booth.

 

“This city is my home, Inuyasha,” she said quickly taking a hold of his wrist. “What makes you think that I'd want to leave?”

 

Inuyasha was taken aback by the firmness in Kikyou's voice, not to mention the tightening grip she had on his wrist.

 

“Tell me, Inuyasha… Why is it that people blame me for your inexcusable affair as if I acted alone?” she asked mockingly.

 

Kikyou's fiery gaze prevented Inuyasha from speaking. He had no idea where this conversation was leading or what she could probably want to settle with him. This whole time he had thought that she had left town and that was the last that he'd ever hear from her.

 

“I may have tempted you to be unfaithful to your wife but you were more than compliant. So tell me why is it only me that's being looked down upon?”

 

Kikyou's face was contorted with anger, a look that he had never seen on her face before. He could tell that she was trying her hardest to suppress it, but was obviously failing.

 

“People don't acknowledge the fact that I didn't act alone! They don't know that you willingly cheated on your wife without a second thought!” Kikyou yelled.

 

By then several of the waiters and the few people that occupied the restaurant had their eyes on the couple arguing.

 

“What makes you so different from me?” Kikyou sneered.

 

All this time he didn't think of how things were going for Kikyou or how it affected her. Was there any truth in what she was even saying?

 

Inuyasha felt utterly conflicted. Should he feel sorry for this woman who had been involved with him and thus led to the destruction of her life? Or should he feel resentment towards her for being a part of the destruction of his life?

 

“You're probably confused aren't you?” Kikyou said lowering her voice. “Should I feel sorry for her or should I keep hating her?”

 

Inuyasha looked at her astonishingly. Kikyou knew him very well.

 

“Take some responsibility for your actions, Inuyasha. Like it or not, you are as much to blame for this mess as I am.” Kikyou paused. “Tell me Inuyasha…”

 

“Tell you what?” Inuyasha replied quietly.

 

“Why did you do it? Why did you get involved with me?” Kikyou asked.

 

“I-I…” he stuttered.

 

He wasn't expecting her to ask him that particular question. His stuttering and lack of speech was proof of that. Honestly, he had no idea why he did what he did. It had cost him and his family so much pain. It was truly the most selfish moment in his life. It was a time when he thought that he could get away with the deed without getting himself hurt nor anyone else.

 

Since the months after his divorce, Inuyasha had realized his irreparable mistake. He hadn't really thought about the magnitude of its consequences. He felt so stupid for thinking that he could go through with it all unscathed. It was hard to describe. At the time his job was all that he could think about and because of it, he thought that he could emotionally sever himself from his family. Not only that, so much of his time was spent at work that he really believed that he was extremely detached from his family, and his relationship with them had reached its breaking point.

 

He had taken Kikyou's sudden return into his life as a sign that things were changing in the direction that he had been thinking and feeling.

 

Inuyasha watched as Kikyou sighed and quietly slid back into the booth. He followed suit and sat down, hoping that he could voice out his answer to her question.

 

“I honestly don't know what to tell you. At the time I really believed that I could go through the affair with a clean conscience. But now that I look back on it, it had to be the most selfish thing I've ever done,” Inuyasha finished with the utmost remorse.

 

Kikyou looked into his amber eyes, and from what he could tell, she was a bit startled by his confession.

 

“I was so selfish,” Inuyasha continued with a bitter smile. “When you came back you caught me at a time I felt that I could do anything, even cheat on my wife. Because I was so close to achieving my dream I felt that I didn't need anything else…”

 

Inuyasha didn't know why he was explaining himself to Kikyou. He'd never told these things to anyone, not even Miroku.

 

“I felt like I didn't need anyone else. Nothing else was more important than my job. As long as I had my career, I had everything,” Inuyasha chuckled darkly.

 

“You know, Inuyasha, when I saw you walk in here I couldn't wait to give you a piece of my mind,” Kikyou gave him a sympathetic smile. “But now I just feel sorry for you.”

 

“Keh.”

 

Kikyou let out a soft giggle. Inuyasha gave her a disbelieving look. First she was lashing out at him and now she was laughing at him?

 

“I still don't get it. Weren't you happy? Didn't you love your wife and your son?”

 

“I wasn't happy. Deep down I always felt that I would somehow ruin what happiness I did have. I was always uncertain about my ability to provide for my family and whether or not I'd be a good father and husband,” Inuyasha answered truthfully.

 

“So you buried yourself in your work, something that gave you the feeling of certainty?” Kikyou asked raising a fine brow at him.

 

“I guess so. Kind of like a self-destructive thing,” Inuyasha replied thoughtfully.

 

Inuyasha hesitated before continuing. He'd never looked at it this way before and it was strange that it was just flowing out of his mouth. Since he had gotten married, his biggest insecurity in life was being a good husband and father. He didn't know how to be either.

 

For one, he never really knew what it was to be a good father because his father was never around to teach him. Second, he didn't know if he could be a good husband despite his solid relationship with Kagome. There were times when his doubts got the better of him. He was completely insecure about his abilities to provide a good home and life for his little family.

 

Eventually, when he had realized that he spent more time at work than home, he decided to take matters into his own hands. Instead of making changes for him to spend more time with his family, he succumbed to the idea that the things that were happening meant that family life wasn't for him. And with that, he distanced himself more and more from the two people he loved most in the world.

 

That does seem pretty self-destructive doesn't it?

Kikyou held a secretive little half smile toward the slightly disgruntled man across from her. When she had moved back into the city, she had heard that Inuyasha Takashi was married to his long-time girlfriend of ten years or so. It would be a huge understatement if she said that she was only a little curious about how that had happened.

 

Few knew where she had vanished to. She had made little progress with her life, that much she could openly admit to herself. She was still the same troubled girl she had been in high school. She found it difficult to trust other people. She just didn't know how to be herself. Sure she had no problem getting dates with her good looks, but every budding relationship that she had was quickly ended before it could go any further.

 

She was lonely. She was sick of being the way that she was. She was tired of the fact that unlike Inuyasha, she hadn't met anyone who she wanted to change for. Kikyou admitted that she was never really some who relied on others. However, this was different. Long ago she had given up on changing herself.

 

It made her realize that Inuyasha was the only person who knew her, the only one who could understand her and not resent her for her true nature.

 

Since she and Inuyasha were so alike, maybe if she met someone just like he met his wife, then maybe her life could be different.

 

Like her, the Inuyasha that she knew had major trust issues. Even when he was with her, they were one and the same which was the reason why the seemed to mesh well together. Inuyasha was one of the most jaded individuals she had ever come across, next to herself of course. She just simply couldn't imagine or believe that he had stayed with some girl for more than ten years.

 

She had to see for herself, even test him by secretly relying on any affection he may have left for her.

 

“You know, I had every intention of looking for you as soon as I arrived back in the city,” she admitted.

 

Inuyasha refused to make further eye contact with her. Kikyou only rolled her eyes at the man and continued.

 

“I heard that Inuyasha Takahashi had finally settled down with his long-time girlfriend. I was really surprised because I thought that I knew you better than anyone. And what I knew was that it simply could not be true,” Kikyou smirked.

 

“Why not?” Inuyasha asked quietly.

 

“Inuyasha don't play coy with me. You barely trusted anyone, even me. Then all of a sudden some girl comes along and changes all of that?” Kikyou smirked even wider. “So I just had to see for myself.”

 

“So you became my secretary…” Inuyasha scoffed.

 

“I just had to see for myself how `changed' you were. I was expecting an all-around family man since I kept hearing that you were the only one from your whole family able to hold…well… a family,” Kikyou had to hold in a laugh.

 

“Sorry to disappoint you,” Inuyasha spat out venomously, knowing what happened next…

 

“I didn't expect you to lust after me that way you did. I expected you to have more self-restraint or faithfulness towards your wife,” Kikyou mocked.

 

“Shut the fuck up!” Inuyasha growled.

 

However, Kikyou remained undeterred and continued with the low blows.

 

“Admit it, Inuyasha. I know as well as you do that you hadn't changed. Maybe you had deluded yourself all those years that you changed for the better,” Kikyou paused to coyly glance at the fuming hanyou. “No matter what you do, who you think you've become, you will always be the same untrusting, and jaded fool I left behind in high school.”

 

“What do you want from me?!” Inuyasha decided that enough was enough. This woman had caused him enough pain, caused him so many losses…

 

“I want you to know… you can't change your destiny. You will always be alone, just like me. It's just inevitable and you should accept it,” Kikyou said venomously and with darkened eyes.

 

At this point Inuyasha was livid. His fists were clenched at his sides, strongly fighting the urge to back hand the woman across the face.

 

“Your wife… excuse me… your ex-wife, is completely wrong for you. She's all sunshine and rainbows, the perfect little housewife; faithful, trusting, loyal.” Kikyou paused to change the sweet expression she had put on while describing Kagome. “You on the other hand… well you're completely opposite! You are crude, selfish, and unfaithful. The worst thing is… there's nothing you can do to change that.”

 

He didn't need this bull shit. He had enough on his plate with what was going on at work... and some other personal issues that Kikyou just happened to hit closer to home.

 

“Well, Inuyasha. This has been pleasant, but I have a flight to catch,” she said giving him her sweetest smile.

 

It was almost enough to make Inuyasha gag. He watched as Kikyou made her way toward the exit, and secretly hoped that the bitch would get struck by lightning or at least scalded by hot coffee. He caught his breath when she paused before pushing the door open.

 

Wasn't she going to leave?

 

Kikyou slowly turned around and for a moment he thought he was hallucinating. Her usually dull eyes were soft, almost sad.

 

“You're a fool, Inuyasha,” Kikyou whispered. “I'd give anything to have what you had…”

 

And with that, she was gone. She knew that he could hear her even if she had whispered her last sentence more than ten feet away from him. He wasn't sure when or if he was going to see her again. A part of him realized that that had been the closure he had been unknowingly waiting for all these years.