InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Entrapment: A 21st Century Adventure ❯ Sacrifice ( Chapter 17 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Disclaimer: I don’t own Inuyasha or any of the publicly known characters, plot, etc.  I’m just renting them from Rumiko Takahashi, Viz, etc.   I do own the plot of this story and any original characters I’ve created.  I will make no money from this fic; I write for my own enjoyment and the enjoyment of my readers.  


Sacrifice


Kagome moved despondently through the night, her feet scuffing against the grass as she slouched along. She had left Kaede’s hut almost immediately after Inuyasha, needing to get away from the sympathetic stares and questioning looks.  She would be the first to admit that her reaction to Kikyou’s presence this time was unusual.  She barked a humorless laugh.  A product of unusual circumstances, no doubt.  But her friends didn’t fully understand the situation, and she was not about to fill in the blanks for them.  

So she’d left, hoping to at least stall the inevitable questions for a little while.  She had absolutely no intention of spying on Inuyasha and Kikyou.  Quite the opposite, in fact; if Inuyasha betrayed her, she definitely didn’t want to see it.  Just knowing what might be happening at this very moment was depressing enough.  The truly unsettling thing was that it wouldn’t really be a betrayal at all, no matter what the two of them did.  Hadn’t she known what she was getting into?  

Kagome scowled.  Yes, she had.  But even though it wouldn’t technically be a betrayal, it would still feel like one to her.  Just the thought of them talking was enough to make her insides squirm.  Apparently watching him go to Kikyou less than twenty-four hours after making love to her was a little too much for even her to handle gracefully.  And you know what?  She was okay with that.  She had a right to feel that way on the inside.  What she did not have a right to do was take it out on Inuyasha, or play the pity card, or do something else to affect his decision.  

She sensed a familiar demonic aura behind her, and smiled wryly.  Sango must have sent Kirara to keep any eye on her.  Damn, I really am helpless.  But solitude didn’t seem so appealing anymore, and she realized she would love some unassuming company.   

“Kirara!” she called, turning and bending over with her hands on her knees.  “Come here, girl!”  

In a few seconds she spied the fire-cat bounding over the grass, then leaping into her arms.  Kagome hugged her tightly, allowing the feline’s unconditional affection to raise her spirits.

“At least you love me, huh?”  

Kirara mewed and nuzzled her cheek, beginning to purr contentedly as Kagome rubbed her back and scratched her neck.  The miko sighed, grinning despite her melancholy.  Her friends were worried about her; she shouldn’t have walked out on them.  She would go back in a little while and try to explain things as vaguely as possible.  She could trust them not to pry too much; even Miroku knew when to put lechery on the shelf.  

And perhaps things were not as bad as they seemed.  The odds that Kikyou and Inuyasha were having sex right now were about a million to one.  She’d had to practically beg him to get him to sleep with her last night.  And unless Kikyou had undergone a dramatic change of heart, she wouldn’t want to lie with a hanyou anyway.  Now, kissing was another matter, but still not very likely.  She was confident that Inuyasha was smart enough not to fall under Kikyou’s spell again, and also fairly certain that the dead priestess didn’t have bewitchment on her mind these days.  She still surely wanted to take Inuyasha to hell, but seemed willing to wait for him to go with her freely.  And with a tiny smirk, Kagome realized that she now one-upped Kikyou in at least one thing.  In terms of physical intimacy, she would never be second best.  

And it wasn’t even really about the intimacy so much as what it said about her.  She had offered Inuyasha everything she was, body and soul, for the rest of her life and beyond.  Kikyou had made a similar proposal fifty years ago, but only in exchange for a cruel concession from him.  Kagome, on the other hand, had bestowed upon him unconditional love.  It was of some comfort to the young miko to have experienced first-hand the evidence of what she had always known: she loved Inuyasha more than Kikyou ever had.  And she would continue to love him until the day she died.  

Part of her wanted to rebel at the inherent unfairness in that sentiment, but she tamped down her discontent.  Above all else, she wanted Inuyasha to be happy, whether that meant becoming her husband or spending the afterlife in hell with Kikyou.  If he could be satisfied with his decision, then she would force herself to accept it.  There were no other considerations.  

Sighing, Kagome made her way over to the edge of the forest, finding a seat on a fallen tree.  There was barely a sliver of the moon visible, but the stars were still bright enough to see by, unhindered by modern air and light pollution.  She was not ready to go back yet.  Try as she might to think of something other than what Inuyasha and Kikyou were doing, her mind refused to turn away from that topic for long.  She was grateful for the furry feline in her arms; at least petting Kirara provided some distraction from her gloomy thoughts.  

The fire-cat hissed at around the same time Kagome noticed the eerie glow approaching rapidly overhead.  She gasped in shock, holding Kirara tightly.  It was Kikyou, borne aloft by her shinidamachu.  As Kagome watched, the serpent-like youkai lowered their mistress to the ground perhaps twenty feet from her reincarnation.  Kirara snarled angrily, and Kagome petted her comfortingly.  The feline continued to growl low, the hairs on the back of her neck standing on end, but seemed willing to leave Kikyou unharmed as long as she kept her distance.  

Kikyou did not even glance in Kirara’s direction; her gaze was locked piercingly on her reincarnation.  Kagome shrunk back slightly but did not break eye contact.  More than anything, she was astounded to find Kikyou in her presence.  Why was she here?  And more importantly, where was Inuyasha?  It was this thought that gave Kagome the courage to break the oppressive silence.  

“Where’s Inuyasha?” she demanded, rising to her feet and glaring at Kikyou.  If she had done something to him…

But Kikyou remained impassive.  “I suspect he is following my servant deep into the forest,” she replied coolly.  “Do not worry; I will meet Inuyasha in due time.”  

Alarm settled in Kagome’s belly.  But she was not afraid; she could take care of herself against Kikyou, and Kirara was with her.  Also, though she sensed a certain degree of enmity from the dead priestess, she could see no murderous intent in Kikyou’s gaze.  

“So then why are you here?” Kagome asked, secretly pleased with the firm, unwavering tone of her voice.  

“I merely wish to ascertain the situation,” Kikyou answered.  “I am afraid that I do not trust Inuyasha to tell me the whole truth if something happened.”  

Kagome couldn’t help but wonder what she meant by ‘something.’  But Kikyou was insane if she thought she was getting a full rundown of events from her.  

“There’s not much to tell,” Kagome said with a shrug.  Not to you, anyway.  “Inuyasha and I got into some trouble in my world, and we had a difficult time getting back.  Now we are back, and we’re going to defeat Naraku and complete the Shikon no Tama as planned.”  

“Would lying with him also be included under ‘not much to tell?’” Kikyou bit out sharply, sneering at her reincarnation’s slack-jawed expression.  “Call it a woman’s intuition,” she responded to the unasked question.   

Kagome had no idea how Kikyou had come to her dreadfully accurate conclusion.  Maybe it really was ‘woman’s intuition,’ or maybe they were connected in some way through their shared soul, or maybe Kikyou had made an educated guess to gauge her reaction.  It didn’t really matter now, since her dumbfounded reaction had all but confirmed Kikyou’s statement even if the older miko hadn’t been sure.  She was gazing victoriously across the short distance between them, chin held high and eyes gleaming with contempt.  Though normally as stoic as Sesshoumaru, she was even wearing a small, triumphant smirk; that’s how pleased she was with her little deduction.  

It pissed Kagome off.  Kikyou was looking at her like she expected her to be ashamed of her actions.  Like she was supposed to regret sleeping with Inuyasha, as though it had happened in a moment of weakness.  Something dawned on Kagome, then.  That’s how she would see it if she and Inuyasha had slept together.  Needless to say, Kagome’s feelings on the matter were on the opposite pole.  She had given her virginity to the man she loved, and even though it hurt now to think that their relationship would have to regress to one of distance and uncertainty, she didn’t regret it.  Not for a second.  And now that she had gathered her bearings, she noticed something else in Kikyou’s gaze, something which the miko was undoubtedly trying to hide.  Jealousy.  Barely a twinge, but there nonetheless.  

Kagome felt no sympathy.  She’s jealous of how close I got to Inuyasha, but she’s too damn prejudiced to want to be with him like I was.  Inuyasha, you deserve to be with someone who truly loves you…  

At any rate, she would definitely not be telling Kikyou that Inuyasha happened to be human when they made love.  That was entirely a coincidence; in fact, his human emotions probably had a lot to do with them crossing the threshold together.  But she loved him as a hanyou.  If he ever came up to her and let her know that he returned her feelings, she would be willing to bed him right then and there, no matter what form he was in.  

And so, filled with righteous indignation, Kagome squared her shoulders, drew herself to her full height, and glared proudly back at her preincarnation.  

“Yes, I did make love with Inuyasha.  It’s between the two of us.  I don’t think you have anything to say about it.”  

A thrill shot down Kagome’s spine; finally she had stood up to Kikyou, and it felt so good!  But their quarrel was far from over.  The dead priestess’ cold cheeks flushed, her eyes narrowing dangerously.  

“Oh, believe me, girl, I have plenty to say about it.  Like how you have shamelessly used the few feminine charms you possess on that skinny body of yours to attempt to turn Inuyasha away from me!”  

“T-that’s not true!” Kagome stuttered, grimacing as Kikyou’s insult seemed to knock much of the confidence from her.  It had hit a sore spot, one created by hearing too many similar insults in the past from the very object of their dispute.  Regardless, the older miko’s portrayal of her intentions was dead wrong.  

“I did not try to steal Inuyasha from you!  I’ve never asked him to choose between the two of us!”  

“Empty words,” Kikyou replied dismissively.  “As long as you are stuck in this world, Inuyasha will never leave.”  

“What?” Kagome gasped, confused but feeling an odd sense of foreboding swell in the pit of her stomach.  

Kikyou leered, obviously pleased that she had regained the upper hand.  “Let me ask you this.  That ‘trouble’ in your world…has it been resolved?”  

“Um…no.”  

“So you have no plans to return to your time in the near future?  And in fact, doing so would be extremely dangerous, correct?”  

“Y-yes, but—”

“So indeed, it seems that you are now trapped in this world.  You know how loyal Inuyasha is.  Do you think he will abandon you to the dangers of this time when you are so hopelessly incapable of dealing with them?”  

Kagome’s eyes widened with understanding, even as Kikyou’s words pierced her chest.  Unable to maintain eye contact, she lowered her gaze to the grass, all conviction deserting her form.  How was it that Kikyou always was always able to make her feel like a fool?  The dead priestess continued to drive the nail deeper into her heart without mercy.  

“Do you see now?  Inuyasha can only leave this world if he knows you are safe.  He will never journey to the place he is truly meant to be, with the person he is truly meant to be with, if you are here.  

“Ironic, isn’t it?” Kikyou continued in a softer, almost compassionate tone.  “You have always prided yourself on allowing Inuyasha to make his own decision.  And now, by your very presence here, you decide for him.  It is not your fault, but it is a harsh reality.  What will you do now that your ideal lies broken at your feet, exposed as the fabrication it always was?”  

Kagome’s mind raced, her knees shaking with despair.  She could dispute who Inuyasha was truly meant to be with, but she could not deny Kikyou’s ironclad conclusion.  She knew better than anyone the depths of Inuyasha’s loyalty; she had been on the wrong end of it too many times to count.  If the fiasco in modern Japan had never occurred, Inuyasha could have chosen to go to hell with Kikyou, and simply dropped her off in her own time, knowing that she would resume the life of a normal schoolgirl.  But now, there was no life waiting for her in the modern era.  She would have to remain here, in this dangerous, unforgiving world, probably for the rest of her days.  Sure, Miroku and Sango would protect her to some degree, but Inuyasha would feel obligated to remain her guardian even after Naraku was defeated and the Shikon no Tama ceased to exist.  Youkai were always ready for opportunities to attack vulnerable miko, and she knew her life would not be peaceful even after the mission was completed.  Kikyou was right; Inuyasha would not abandon her to face that.  He would stay by her side out of loyalty rather than any romantic desire to do so.  And until her days were at an end, he would not join Kikyou in hell even if he wanted to.  

Kagome sobbed, sinking to the ground as the thought of becoming a burden, a responsibility, to Inuyasha sapped all the strength from her legs.  This was evidently the last straw for Kirara, who leapt out of her arms and transformed, roaring fiercely.  The feline had seen quite enough of this uptight, corpse-smelling bitch berating her friend and making her cry.  Kikyou reached for her bow, but a hand on Kirara’s back forestalled any move the fire-cat might have made.  

“No,” Kagome whispered, “it’s o-o-okay, Kirara.  Kikyou hasn’t done anything wrong.”  

The fire-cat snarled her disagreement, but nevertheless turned her attention away from the dead wench and refocused upon the distressed girl sitting on the ground beside her.  She nuzzled Kagome lovingly, but her affections did not have the same effect as before.  Kagome continued to stare at the ground impassively, swaying from side to side by the feline’s increasingly desperate nudges.  She heard footsteps signifying Kikyou’s approach, until a warning growl from Kirara stopped her from coming any closer.  Kagome was not concerned; she did not fear Kikyou, only that things would come to pass exactly as the dead miko had predicted.  

“What should I do?” she muttered, both a rhetorical question and a plea for assistance.  

“I said earlier that Inuyasha will only leave this world if he knows you are safe,” Kikyou said gently.  “That is not entirely correct.  Should you place yourself out of his reach, beyond his protection, then he will have no reason to remain.  Go back to your own time, Kagome.”  

Kagome’s head shot up.  Resistance flared within her, not for her own sake, but for Inuyasha’s.  For doing what Kikyou proposed would also make the hanyou’s decision for him; namely, it would force him to go to hell with Kikyou.  But what if, in the end, he would not have chosen that course?  There was still a chance he would decide that he loved her, Kagome, and wanted to be with her.  By leaving, she could be taking away his one chance at true happiness.  

Kikyou, obviously having some idea what she was thinking, spoke firmly in a more urgent tone.  

“I have never considered you a threat, Kagome,” she declared.  Had Kagome been in a less dejected state of mind, she might have considered how the older miko’s past actions belied that statement.  But unfortunately, her anguish-inebriated brain took the assertion at face value.  

“You are a poor copy, nothing more,” Kikyou continued.  “Inuyasha stays with you because it is convenient for him.  Being in my presence makes him uncomfortable.  The guilt he feels for betraying me is too intense for him to stand being by my side for long periods of time.  I wish to take him to a place where all that remorse will disappear.  We will go into the afterlife together, and enjoy the companionship we should have had while we were alive.  We will be happy; Inuyasha will be happy.  What can you offer?  A younger, more fertile body?  Perhaps, but you cannot offer happiness.  For even as you take him into your embrace at night, he will be thinking of me.  How he betrayed me not once, but twice, and how we were deprived of the lives we should have led.  How can you force him to be with you in body, when his heart and soul belong to me?”  

That figurative nail, which had been steadily pressing deeper into Kagome’s chest, now surged through the walls of her heart, shattering it into pieces.  Her will to fight, to think for herself, broke with it.  Kikyou was right, about everything.  Of course Inuyasha would choose Kikyou.  How could she have ever been so foolish as to believe otherwise?  It had been an unassailable fact right from the very beginning.  As for their indiscretion the previous evening, what had Miroku said?  ‘It would be foolish for a man to turn down a woman who offers herself.’  Perhaps that explained it; Inuyasha was a man, after all.  He had only given her one night, and now seemed to expect things to go back to normal.  Kagome sobbed again as she realized for the first time what last night was—a one-night stand.  It was no more meaningful than that.  

She had to go back.  She could not anchor Inuyasha to this world, deprive him of his chance to be with his true love, the person he was meant to be with.  He loved Kikyou with all his heart even though the love he received in return was imperfect.  It was sad, but at the same time beautiful.  At least he would be happy in death.  

Still, a small part of her rebelled, the objection this time centering on self-preservation.  Odds were that she would be killed soon after returning to the modern era.  Again, Kikyou seemed to sense the direction of her thoughts.  

“Go back to your own time, Kagome.  If you claim to love Inuyasha so much, you must sacrifice yourself for his sake.”  

And there it was.  An appeal to her selflessness, a call to honor her love.  She had always told herself that she loved Inuyasha enough to let him go if it meant that he would be happy.  Now, it was time to prove it.  Her own well-being was not even a consideration.  

“I’ll do it,” she declared, her voice surprisingly firm.  “I’ll go back.”  

Her heart ached, but surely that was just from the pain of surrendering the man she loved to another woman.  Logically, she knew her chosen course was right.  Still, she could not shake the tiny, almost insignificant feeling that this was terribly wrong.  She buried it.  Her heart was broken; this was no time to act on emotion.  

Kirara yowled desperately as Kagome stood, latching onto her shirt with her teeth.  Kagome smiled softly down at her, petting the feline’s huge furry head.  

“It’s okay, Kirara.  This is something I have to do.  Please don’t try to stop me.”  

The fire-cat gazed into her eyes for a few moments, eventually releasing her with obvious reluctance.  She did not agree with her friend’s decision, but would respect her wishes.  Then, Kagome took her first monumental, impossible step in the direction of the bone eater’s well.  It felt as though she were walking to her own execution.  

She sensed Kikyou keeping pace a short distance behind her, still wary of Kirara.  As the well finally came into view, Kagome gasped in sudden realization.  

“Kikyou!” she exclaimed, spinning around.  “Inuyasha will definitely follow me because he’ll be worried.  That will put him in danger too!”  

But Kikyou seemed to have been waiting for this thought to occur to her.  “That is why you must seal the time portal.”  

“H-how do I do that?”  

Kikyou reached into her robes and withdrew a complex-looking sutra, far more intricate than most.  She held out her hand and Kagome took it, feeling the radiating potential of the slip of paper as it made contact with her fingers.  

“Once you arrive on the other side, press this into the ground and put as much spiritual energy into it as you can.  The spell will do the rest.”  (1)  

“How long will it take?” Kagome asked, worried about her enemies stopping her before she could complete the seal.  

“Only as long as it will take to summon your full power,” Kikyou retorted, as if to challenge her ability to do so in time.  Kagome set her jaw determinately; she would do it, even if it was the last thing she did.  But first, there was one issue she needed to get resolved.  

“One more thing, Kikyou,” she said evenly.  “Promise me that you and Inuyasha will not leave this world until Naraku is defeated and the Shikon no Tama is purified.  I will not have my friends abandoned to their fate while that monster is still alive.”  

Kikyou frowned, obviously disliking this proposal.  But there was no give in Kagome’s gaze, no room for compromise.  Eventually, the dead miko sighed and nodded reluctantly.  But Kagome was not satisfied yet.  

“Say it,” she ordered coldly.  “Give me your word.”  

“You have it,” Kikyou snarled.  “Inuyasha and I will not depart for the afterlife until the filth of Naraku and the curse of the Shikon no Tama are gone from this world.  Satisfied?  If so, would you kindly surrender the shards in your possession?”  

Kagome did not respond, but pulled the bottle containing her shards from around her neck and placed it in Kikyou’s outstretched palm.  Then she knelt down and hugged Kirara tightly, a farewell embrace.  The fire-cat purred pleadingly, and Kagome nearly allowed a tear to slip past her defenses.  But she had to be strong.  She had to leave right now, before her resolve wavered any further, before her friends could try to talk her out of it or even physically restrain her.  They would do it, too, if they thought she was making a stupid decision.  And in the time it took to convince them, Inuyasha would probably have returned, and it would be a huge fiasco.  Ultimately, unless she went through the well right now, she wasn’t going at all.  

And she had to go, despite the growing feeling of wrongness in her gut, even though she would probably leave her insides rotting here in the grass and become an empty shell for the brief remainder of her life.  The fragile threads of rationality holding her resolve together would not last much longer.  There was nothing else to say, no one else to say goodbye to.  It was time.  

She stood, trailing her hand over Kirara’s fur as she moved toward the black chasm before her.  She dared one final glance at Kikyou, and was surprised at what she saw.  For in the dead miko’s cold and bitter gaze was not contempt, but grudging respect.  Seeing that provided her with the courage to take the final step, over the lip of the well and into the void.  And as she plunged into nothingness, she sent up a silent prayer.    

Inuyasha…be happy.  

Inuyasha grumbled profanity under his breath as he followed the shinidamachu still deeper into the forest.  Damn, how far is she going to make me walk?  Is this punishment for being gone for so long?

He wouldn’t put it past Kikyou; she had done petty things like that since her resurrection.  She was a different person than she had been when she was alive, but he still saw flashes of the old Kikyou, the lonely, wounded girl he had fallen in love with.  Or at least he thought he had.  He had never been able to figure out whether his attachment to Kikyou was love.  What the hell was love, anyway?  It was stupid, if you asked him.  What was the use of an emotion you couldn’t even decide if you felt or not?  

Stupid.  And speaking of stupid, what the hell had been Kagome’s problem back there?  She’d known he couldn’t just abandon Kikyou.  He’d made it very clear that he couldn’t give her any commitments.  If she wanted to be pissy about it now, that was her problem!  She could apologize to him for once!  

But still, he felt guilty.  Knowing how Kagome felt about him, he could imagine how hard it must have been to watch him go to Kikyou so soon after their night together.  Kikyou’s timing could not have been any worse.  He scowled; that wasn’t his fault either.  It was not like he’d been hoping to see her again.  He actually hadn’t thought about Kikyou at all until her servant showed up.  And he had sincerely wished that she would go away and leave him alone just this once, but that wasn’t fair either.  At the very least, he owed Kikyou his attention when she called.  

Still, he didn’t truly want to see her, and not just because of the timing.  Every moment he was away increased Kagome’s pain, and he hated it.  He was just about ready to tear up this stupid glowing snake-thing and storm back to the hut.  If Kikyou wanted to play games, she could waste somebody else’s time.  But he reminded himself that he did have an obligation to Kikyou, and settled for grinding his teeth and swearing under his breath instead of maiming her servant.  

It was only a few minutes more before the shinidamachu suddenly stopped slithering forward and began circling overhead.  Inuyasha sensed her approach, and was able to compose himself before she emerged through the trees.  He immediately got a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.  He would not say that Kikyou was smiling, but she did seem pleased about something.  And in her bitter state, that was almost certainly not a good thing.  

“Inuyasha,” she breathed in a cool tone which sent a shiver down his spine.  “It has been a long time.”  

“K-keh!” he began, his words coming more rapidly and at a slightly higher pitch than usual.  “We had some trouble in Kagome’s time—”

“I am aware.  Kagome has already informed me.”  

Inuyasha gaped, that sinking feeling becoming one of outright alarm.  “Y-you sought Kagome out?  Why?  What did you—”

“I did nothing!” Kikyou spat vehemently, then instantly recoiling and resuming her stoic façade.  But Inuyasha swore he had seen a flash of guilt cross her features, and that made him even more uneasy.  “We merely spoke,” Kikyou told him.  

Inuyasha studied her carefully.  She wasn’t lying, but nor was she telling the whole truth.  Definitely worried now, he decided that the sooner he got back to Kagome the better.  He didn’t know what Kikyou had said to her, but it couldn’t have been good.  Unfortunately, the dead miko was not about to let him walk away so easily.  

“What are your plans, Inuyasha?” she asked, appearing serenely confident for some reason.  

“My plans?” Inuyasha repeated incredulously, failing to mask his impatience.  “My plans are the same as they’ve always been.  Kill Naraku and get rid of the jewel.  One way or another…” he added softly to himself.  His views on what to do with the Shikon no Tama had certainly changed over time, and he had Kagome to thank.  Another reason to get back to her and see what damage Kikyou has done.  

“No,” Kikyou replied patiently, “I mean your plans after those trivial matters are accomplished.  Do you still intend to fulfill your promise to join me in the afterlife?”  

Inuyasha hesitated, surprised by her bluntness.  At least, that was what he initially tried to convince himself the reason was until deciding it was futile.  The real cause of his delayed response was that he didn’t know how to answer her question.  It wasn’t the being in hell part that bothered him; it was the part about being with Kikyou.  Was she the one he was truly meant to be with?  Did he want to be with her?  That last question was easier to answer.  Based on desire alone, he did not want to join Kikyou in hell.  He also did not want to use the Shikon no Tama to restore her to life.  What he desired most of all for Kikyou was peace, whether she found it in a return to the afterlife or continued to walk the earth.  

It occurred to him that he had never been able to answer the question of what he wanted for Kikyou with such clarity before.  What was different now?  He tried to ignore the obvious answer and instead focused back on the issue at hand.  For it was not as simple as doing what he wanted.  There was this annoying little thing called honor, which meant nothing and at the same time meant everything.  And in order to keep his honor, he couldn’t simply dismiss Kikyou because he wanted to.  His friends saw it differently, but their opinion didn’t matter as much as his own in this instance.  If he couldn’t live with a decision, what was the point of making it?  

But would it really be so bad?  Hadn’t he given Kikyou enough?  He hadn’t betrayed her, and even at that fateful confrontation with Naraku disguised as her, he had run away instead of taking his anger and hurt out on her.  In fact, if he had tried to kill her back then, none of this might have happened.  He would have realized it was not Kikyou when she failed to use her spiritual energy or disappeared in a cloud of purple miasma.  But it had been so easy to believe that she had come to her senses and decided that she didn’t want to be with a hanyou, even a former hanyou, after all.  What woman in her right mind would?  

Again, that irritatingly accurate voice in his head supplied the obvious answer.  But as much as he tried to tell himself that this wasn’t about Kagome, he knew that wasn’t true.  For if the younger miko ever ostensibly betrayed him, he would know something was wrong with her.  She had his complete trust, something Kikyou had never possessed.  But that worked two ways, and Kikyou hadn’t trusted him either.  They had been two equally flawed individuals trying to make work a relationship that, although not doomed from the start, was certainly vulnerable to outside sabotage.  Perhaps neither of them was truly at fault for its collapse, then.  

So was there anything to regret?  From his perspective, he surprised himself with another easily reached, previously unascertainable answer.  He was sorry that Kikyou had died, and sympathetic for the lonely life she had lived before meeting him.  But their failed relationship…that was something he could not bring himself to pine for.  Not now when he had so much to live for, again, thanks to the incredible young woman who accepted all of him.  And in that moment, as he thought of Kagome, a tiny light bulb went on in his head, finally illuminating a shadowed desire.  He wanted to stay with Kagome.  In what capacity he wasn’t sure, but he felt closer to figuring that out than ever before.  More important was simply remaining by her side; this was the only thing that could make him happy.  Deep down, he desired nothing less than to stay with her as long as she would let him.  

And just as he reached this joyful conclusion, his honor reared its ugly head again, sobering his jovial mood like a bucket of ice water dumped over his head.  He might not owe Kikyou his life, but he certainly owed her something.  And that meant he could not refuse her outright this evening.  He felt like a weasel, but he desperately hoped to put off his final decision until after the mission was completed.  Stalling seemed like the lesser of two evils in this situation.  

Kikyou was still watching him, her features now showing irritation rather than confidence, and he realized he had been silent for a long time.  

“Kikyou, I…I don’t know what my plans are.”  

“Why do you hesitate?” she demanded.  “You know your place is by my side.  Is it because of that girl that you have lost your backbone?”  

Inuyasha glared at the ground in front of her feet, not daring to respond for fear of saying something he would regret.  

“I see,” Kikyou observed casually, self-assurance flowing back into her tone.  “Well, in that case I have some news which might cure your indecision.  Kagome has departed from this world, never to return.”  

Inuyasha forgot to breathe.  There were two possible interpretations of that statement.  The first was that Kagome was…  He couldn’t even bring himself to utter the word in his mind.  And that would contradict what Kikyou had said before about ‘merely speaking.’  The other, almost equally horrific possibility, was that Kagome had gone through the well without him.  

He didn’t bother to ask for confirmation; he just bolted, running as fast as his legs could carry him.  Stupid wench!  I’ve got to get there before Yoshida kills her!  Why the hell would she go back?  Yet, even as he sprinted through the forest, he felt as though he was running from his own conscience.  He had a pretty good idea of why Kagome would have gone back.  If she was hurt, he would never forgive himself.  

At last, after a small eternity, the well came into view.  He leapt inside…and landed with an ungraceful thud on the bottom.  The unexpected impact nearly sent him careening head first into the wall of the structure.  Raising his head, he was appalled to see the twinkling night sky of the feudal era above him.  Even with the well house demolished, the sky in the modern era looked decidedly different.  No sounds of strange mechanical monsters greeted him, only the ominous chirping of the crickets and the calls of nocturnal creatures.  No…it can’t be!  

He leapt out of the well, immediately vaulting back in only to reach the same end as before.  He repeated this action again and again, losing track of the number of times, and punctuating each with a desperate cry.  

“Why—”

“Won’t— ”

“This—”

“Fucking—&# 8221;

“Thing—”

“WORK!!!”

Finally, he knelt at the bottom of the well, his breath heaving not with exertion, but from the cutting pain in his chest.  His hand fisted in the front of his robes as his vision swam, the walls of the structure seeming to close in around him.  He wanted to get out, but his legs had lost all their strength.  So he grabbed the vines and hauled himself upward until he was able to swing his leg over the side and come to a wobbly standing position on the grass.  

That was it.  The well had stopped working somehow.  Kagome was gone.  

His knees gave out, and he collapsed onto his rear, his back thudding against the wood.  He blinked, expecting tears, but found no moisture in his eyes.  Perhaps the shock was too fresh, or maybe the void in his chest was sucking all emotion from his being.  He just felt empty, even as he dazedly contemplated his failures.  He had failed as her protector; if she was not already dead, she was surely in mortal peril.  He had floundered as her friend, never able to convey just how special it was to have her by his side.  And finally, he had even been a letdown as a lover, stubbornly refusing to say anything concrete with regards to their futures.  ‘I can’t tell you what you want to hear,’ had been his maxim, but it was really just a convenient excuse.  He could have told her something, even if it didn’t involve the ‘L’ word.  Like ‘I need you by my side, Kagome,’ or ‘Stay with me, Kagome.’  Something to give her hope, and certainly better than a lame, ‘I’m sorry!’

He was indeed a coward.  In battles against physical enemies, he was a rock.  But in matters of the heart, he always fled rather than stand and struggle against his own inhibitions.  It was much easier to allow his emotional walls to imprison him, rather than climb them.  And, in the end, his cowardice had landed him where he’d always been—alone.  

But his self-loathing did not really register; he was still too numb.  It was as though he was only dreaming that he would never see Kagome again, rather than living the reality of it.  But the knowledge that this was no dream weighed heavily upon his mind, refusing to be ignored.  What had he lost?  A friend, obviously, but there had to be more to it than that for him to feel this miserable.  Losing a best, even treasured friend also did not seem enough to leave him in this emotional vacuum.  No, heavy sadness would be expected for those, not this crushing emptiness imposed by his brain, as if to protect him from going mad with sorrow.  Even adding the fact that they were lovers didn’t explain it; he somehow knew there was more.  But what?  What more was there?  

It came to him slowly, over what could have been minutes or hours, but it came irresistibly nonetheless.  The cause of this unique brand of misery, an answer to his silent questions, and a great personal truth all rolled into one.  And now, with the pillars of his honor lying in ruins at his feet, he finally admitted something he had never permitted himself to realize.  

“I love her,” he mumbled, his voice only audible to his own ears.  A jolt of heat ran through him, beginning to thaw the frozen ice which had nearly conquered him.  For he could not help but feel some pleasure at his revelation, even though it came too late, and he should have known all along.  It sounded so unbelievably cliché, but it had truly taken losing Kagome to realize how much he loved her.  

The cold void spread through him once more at that thought, for he had lost her, and no belated self-discovery could change that.  Still, a tiny oasis of warmth persisted somewhere in his chest, supplying him with the willpower to draw breath.  At least he had not been a total failure; at least he had been true to her at the very end.  But that was an infinitesimal success, and he knew that he would spend the rest of his days in mourning.  

Inuyasha reflected gloomily on what might have been for several more minutes, until a familiar and unpleasant scent on the breeze jerked him out of his stupor.  His upper lip curled subconsciously in a silent snarl.  Kikyou’s scent, a reminder of her status as one of the undead, had always filled him with sadness, but never had he found it so offensive as he did now.  His nerves flared back to life, his body heating with a sudden surge of externally-directed anger.  For although he had certainly been the root cause of Kagome’s departure, he was sure the strong-willed and loyal miko would not have left had Kikyou not goaded her into it.  His honor could wither and die for all he cared; he owed Kikyou nothing from this day forward.  But he would have answers, whether she surrendered them voluntarily, or he had to force them out of her.  

She paused briefly as she came into view, clearly taken aback by his tense, rage-filled form.  This was by far the most incensed she had ever seen him.  But she pressed on, continuing to approach with her face screwed up in only partially feigned confidence.  She had expected him to be upset.  Not overflowing with this sort of deadly intensity, of course, but it was nothing she couldn’t handle.  Once he had finished throwing his tantrum, Inuyasha would come to her willingly.  Still, deep down she suspected that it wouldn’t be that simple.  

While she was studying him, the boiling hanyou evidently grew tired of the silence.  He spoke softly, but his voice had an effect like covering one’s ears during an earthquake.  The sound might be diminished, but one felt the tremors just as strongly.  

“Why, Kikyou?”  

The miko’s eyes widened.  The anger in his voice was no surprise, the heartbreak she heard a little more curious, but what really astounded her were the undertones of raw hatred, of bitterness strangely familiar from her own second life.  For the briefest of moments, she wondered if perhaps she had made a terrible mistake.  But no, her chosen course was the right one.  It had to be.  

“You know as well as I, Inuyasha, that you would never have honored your promise to me if Kagome had remained in this world.”  

Not even the hanyou could deny this, but if Kikyou thought it would bring him to his senses, she was disappointed.  

“So what?” Inuyasha retorted, feeling a sort of perverse thrill at finally speaking to Kikyou like this.  “You fucking sent her to her death!”  

“I am aware,” Kikyou replied icily, her tone lowering dangerously as his rose.  “Kagome chose her fate freely.”  

“Bullshit.”  

“Do you accuse me of lying?  Then by all means jump into the well again.  You should be able to tell that the portal was sealed from the other side.”  

“I’m not saying you threw her in,” Inuyasha growled exasperatedly.  “But you might as well have.  You took advantage of her...of her…” he trailed off, stopping short of saying ‘of her feelings.’  His self-protective instincts would not allow him to display his guilt so freely.  But Kikyou was as sharp as ever.  

“Of her what, Inuyasha?  Any vulnerability present in Kagome was your doing.”  

“That doesn’t matter,” he argued, a little more desperately than before.  “You twisted whatever was there to make her do what you wanted!”  

“It is incredible that you can condemn me for taking advantage of Kagome when you are the one who defiled her.”  

Inuyasha was temporarily taken aback, but only from surprise that Kikyou knew about their night together.  He remembered how happy Kagome had looked beneath him, her comforting words that very morning, and the feel of her soft lips as they kissed before going into the fire together.  Kikyou’s remarks were designed to make him doubt, but Kagome had simply left no room for uncertainty.  

“Kagome didn’t feel that way.  She loved—loves me.”  

“What a feeble emotion, love.  It pales in comparison to the honored bonds that we share.”  

Inuyasha shook his head.  “You’re wrong, Kikyou,” he said, realizing the truth even as he did so.  “What you and I had, how you felt for me…is nothing compared to what Kagome feels.”  

Kikyou gasped, his quiet declaration shaking her more than any of his loud exclamations had.  She quickly changed tactics, switching to an almost pleading tone.  

“Inuyasha, all of this is pointless.  You and I are destined to be together.  Come with me.  We shall destroy Naraku and take the Shikon no Tama with us to the netherworld.  We will be one, for eternity.”  

“I can’t,” Inuyasha replied, then decided that he wasn’t being firm enough.  “I won’t go with you, Kikyou.”  

“And what of your obligations to me?” the dead miko growled, rapidly losing what little composure she still possessed.  

“What about them?” the hanyou retorted dismissively, not needing to voice what he thought of those ‘obligations’ after her actions this evening.

“Inuyasha!” Kikyou cried.  “This is irrational!  You will never see Kagome again, no matter what you do!”  After a deep breath, she continued in a more compassionate tone.  “Come with me.  There is nothing for you here.”  

Inuyasha had to concede her first point; he was indeed being irrational.  But he didn’t particularly give a damn; rationality had never been his strong suit anyway.  In his heart burned an uncontainable desire to see Kagome again, no matter how hopeless that prospect seemed.  Fueled by his newly defined love, he would never give up.  

“I don’t care, Kikyou.  I will see her again.”  

“How?” the miko demanded, the question a clear challenge.  Inuyasha almost scoffed, amused that Kikyou was still trying to make him see how foolish he was being.  Didn’t she realize that he didn’t care?  What was love if not foolish?  

“Don’t know,” he replied casually.  “Maybe I’ll use the jewel to reopen the well.”  

“Do not be stupid.  The Shikon no Tama cannot be wielded toward such an end by one as untrained as you.  And besides, Kagome will be dead long before the jewel is complete.”  

“Then I’ll just have to survive long enough to save her on the other side, won’t I?” Inuyasha snapped, his voice quivering with hysteria at the reminder of Kagome’s peril.  

“You will not live that long.”  

“I said I’ll find a way!  FUCK!!!”  

Silence settled between the pair, broken only by Inuyasha’s rasping breaths.  His chest heaved as he glared down at the grass, trying to deny Kikyou’s logic.  He had known that seeing Kagome again was a long shot, but having Kikyou so mercilessly shoot down his ideas really brought it home to him.  Still, he would never give up.  If he did that, he might as well bury himself in the ground and drift off to eternal slumber.  With that blind, idiotic determination flowing through his veins, he met Kikyou’s gaze proudly once more.  

Kikyou literally fell back two steps, understanding shining in her auburn orbs.  As quick as she had been to dismiss love, nothing else could drive a man to be so selflessly stupid.  She prayed she was wrong.  

“Inuyasha…do you love her?”  

She sounded as though the world was about to drop out from under her feet; she was practically pleading with him to deny it.  But there was no way that was going to happen.  He refused to add another item to his list of failures toward Kagome.  At least this once, he would return the complete devotion she had always shown him.  

“Yes, I do.”  

Kikyou stared at him, reading the certainty of his gaze, the assured set of his jaw.  Then abruptly she spun on her heal, and Inuyasha thought for a moment that she was going to leave.  But she did not move from her spot; instead she merely stood facing away from him.  Inuyasha sat on the rim of the well and crossed his arms over his chest, content to wait to hear what she had to say.  

Nothing could have prepared him for what he saw when she finally turned around a long while later.  

“K-Kikyou!  You’re crying!”  

It was true.  She was wearing a small, sad smile, and had tears in her eyes.  At his declaration, she reached up and dabbed with a finger, staring in wonder at the moisture collected on the digit.  

“It is true,” she muttered, though Inuyasha heard her clearly.  “I was not aware that I possessed that ability.  I suppose it means that I am still human,” she observed wistfully before finishing in a disgusted tone, “despite what I have done.”  

The bitterness returned to her gaze, but this time it was different, directed not outward at the cruel world, but inward.  

“I knew very well that I was sending Kagome to her death,” she continued, voice filled with self-loathing.  “It went against every oath I have ever taken.  I knew it was wrong, and I knew I was a terrible person for doing it.  But I justified it thinking that you belonged with me, even to me.  I never considered whether you still wanted to be with me…or whether you had moved on.  And even if you had, I was so deluded as to believe that your feelings for Kagome were merely a poor reflection of your feelings for me.  But…thinking about what Kagome did for you, and what you are proposing to do for her…I cannot deceive myself anymore.  This is pure, the purest thing I have ever seen.  This is what we should have had back then, perhaps would have, if not for my own reservations.  This…is love.”  

Inuyasha tried to speak, but could not; his wits had been too effectively scattered to the winds.  Kikyou’s smile faded, and she lowered her head contritely.  

“I never considered your feelings, Inuyasha.  I only blindly followed my own, and now I fear an innocent may pay for it with her life.  I do not expect your forgiveness.”  

Despite her words, she paused, gazing at him hopefully.  But he had no words of pardon to grant her.  How could he forgive, when he would never see Kagome again?  How could he forgive Kikyou when he would never forgive himself?  

She nodded forlornly, though she did not appear surprised.  Still, there was a brightness to her expression that Inuyasha could not explain.  Fortunately, Kikyou sought to rectify his confusion.  

“Perhaps all is not lost.  There is a chance Kagome is still alive, correct?”  

Inuyasha nodded rapidly, as if needing to convince himself.  Yoshida might have decided to hold Kagome for awhile to use as a hostage in case he followed her to the modern era.  It was possible!  

“Then you may yet win the opportunity to save her,” Kikyou declared with some of her old determination.  “I will remove the seal, whatever the cost.”  

“You can do that?!” Inuyasha exclaimed, unable to mask his excitement.  

Kikyou grinned with real amusement.  “Inuyasha, what do you take me for?  There is not a spell in existence that Kagome could cast and I cannot undo.  But,” she said, her mood sobering, “though she is inexperienced, the girl rivals, and perhaps even exceeds me in raw power.  It will take all my strength to break her seal.  A normal miko in my position would merely rest for a few days and recover.  But, as I am not…normal, I fear the exertion will leave me so weak as to be unable to maintain control over the souls sustaining my body.”  (2)

Inuyasha inhaled sharply.  “So you’ll disappear,” he breathed.  Kikyou’s lack of response told him he was correct.  And as badly as he wanted to see Kagome again, as much as a disturbingly large part of him wanted to accept Kikyou’s proposal, he couldn’t.  He still had some morals, and she was reminding him far too much of the old Kikyou, the kind yet sad girl he had fallen for.  But that was back before discovering what love truly was, and the thought of never seeing Kagome again nearly broke his resolve.  He gritted his teeth, refusing to speak the words clawing desperately at his throat.  

He said nothing, but his eyes must have given him away.  “If that is the price to atone for my sins,” Kikyou declared serenely, “then so be it.”  

“B-but…” Inuyasha managed feebly, unable to muster more of a protest.  

“Please, Inuyasha.  I need to do this, as much for my sake as for yours.”  

Inuyasha lowered his head, ashamed at how easily he accepted her plea, and how terribly he wanted to break his vow to protect her.  “I’m sorry,” he mumbled.  

But far from being offended, Kikyou seemed pleased by his reaction.  “It is all right.  You truly do love her.”  She chuckled remorsefully.  “Would you believe that I used to consider you incapable of experiencing the full range of human emotions in your hanyou form?  It would seem that you have always been more human than I gave you credit for.  I am glad that, between Kagome and myself, at least one of us managed to see it.”  

Inuyasha stared dumbfounded, absolutely floored to hear those words from Kikyou.  But he didn’t want her apology; the sacrifice she was about to make more than made up for any past transgressions.  

“I-it’s okay, Kikyou.  The past is the past.”  

“The past is the past…” she repeated softly.  “You are exactly right.  That is why I must move on, as you have.”  

Her voice was firm and steady, but her eyes betrayed her.  She was fearful of dying again, of finding out what awaited upon her return to the afterlife.  Her anxious form called out to him, and he could not help but respond.  He strode across the clearing and pulled her to him, enfolding her in a light embrace.  She leaned into him, her arms hanging limply at her sides, as if afraid that she would be unable to release him if she returned his embrace.  But slowly he sensed her demeanor change, as confidence and determination replaced anxiety.  He had never been good with words, but it was nice to know that he could offer comfort without them.  

Finally she pulled away, glaring at him seriously.  “Before I do this, I must know that my sacrifice will be worth something.  What are your plans for Kagome if you are able to save her?”  

“Uh…wh-what do you mean?” Inuyasha stammered, having a fairly good idea what she was talking about but hoping he was wrong.  

“Do you intend to take her as your wife?”  

Inuyasha flushed at the direct question, but did not hesitate to answer.  “Yes.”  

“And would you have her bear your children?”  

“Yes.”  

“And would you honor her for the rest of your days and take your own life as penance should you break that vow?”  

“I said yes, already!”  

“Good,” Kikyou said, unperturbed by his agitation.  “Then I can let you go.”  

She gazed at him fondly for a moment, then spun on her heal and stalked swiftly toward the well.  “I expect you’ll want to stay back,” she called over her shoulder, obviously wanting to get this over with quickly.  But Inuyasha was having none of that; they had been through too much together for such an unsatisfactory farewell.  

In an instant he was before her, blocking her path.  As she gazed up at him in surprise, he reached down and took her small, cold hand in both of his own, attempting to confer warmth through his touch and his gaze.  

“I’ll never forget you, Kikyou.”  

Far from making her conviction waver, Kikyou found that Inuyasha’s quiet declaration only gave her strength.  Smiling joyously, she stepped closer, reaching her free hand up to the back of his head to draw him down to meet her.  

Inuyasha would have granted her a kiss on the lips, if that was what she desired.  But at the last moment she turned his head to the side and instead planted a gentle kiss on his cheek.  Then she withdrew, and he let her go.  Though Kikyou’s choice confused him, he would respect her final wishes.  Perhaps she knew that he did not really want to kiss her; perhaps she had chosen to leave his body completely to the woman who had captured his heart.  

“Nor I you, Inuyasha,” she replied, amazing the hanyou with the tranquility in her tone.  He could not remember ever seeing her look so peaceful.  It was as though this one selfless act had healed her wounded soul.  She was ready.  

“Now,” Kikyou ordered, becoming stern once more.  “Please step back.  You will not be much good to Kagome if I accidentally purify you.”  

Nodding, Inuyasha did as he was told, though he did not take his eyes from Kikyou.  She stood facing the well silently for a few moments, then squared her shoulders and marched up to it, agilely vaulting over the side of the structure and out of sight.  Inuyasha waited with bated breath for the explosion.  It was much less awesome than anticipated, just a swirling pink and blue glow as Kikyou’s energy mingled with the power of the time portal.  It was hard to believe that this was taking all of Kikyou’s strength.  But if the seal was on the other side of the portal, it stood to reason that most of the carnage would be taking place on the other side as well.  He would have to be careful when he crossed over; the enemy would surely be expecting him after the display currently being put on five hundred years in the future.  (3)  

Then, abruptly as it had started, the colorful glow vanished and the pure aura emanating from the well subsided.  Inuyasha launched into a sprint, not knowing what he would find.  Before his eyes a translucent azure orb of light rose into the air, surrounded by smaller luminous spheres.  Inuyasha skidded to a halt at the sight.  The dazzling formation continued to ascend, and he watched it until it merged into the field of stars.  At long last, Kikyou was at peace.  (4)

He allowed himself a moment to stare up at the heavens, wishing his first love a final farewell.  Then his expression hardened; his true love was in danger, and he had to save her.  He would return with Kagome by his side, or not at all.  Without further delay, he leapt into the well.  Destiny awaited.  


(1)  Note that Kagome isn’t destroying the connection here; she is only capping the flow, like putting a nozzle on a hose
(2)  I didn’t mention it, but you can consider this the reason why Kikyou didn’t try to seal the well before, because it would’ve taken most of her power to create a seal that Kagome couldn’t undo with brute force.  What would be the point of banishing Kagome to her time if she would disappear soon after?  
(3)  I know what you’re wondering: why can Kikyou break the seal on Kagome’s side if she couldn’t put it there in the first place?  Well, think of the time portal like a hose.  You have one end, and there’s a cap at the other end.  With enough water pressure from your end, you can probably get that cap at the other end to pop off.  But you can’t reach through the hose to put the cap there in the first place.  (Okay, no more hose analogies for awhile!)
(4)  I just realized something: conventional fanfiction wisdom is that Kikyou’s soul (the piece she borrowed from Kagome) has to return to Kagome when Kikyou “dies.”  But Rumiko Takahashi had Kikyou’s soul ascend to the heavens in chapter 465 of the manga.  Maybe that piece had to go to heaven before it could be reincarnated, or maybe they do have different souls after all.  Either way, if the author can do it, so can I!  

A/N – One reviewer pointed out that I made a big deal of the possibility of Kagome losing her powers after sex in Metamorphosis, but haven’t mentioned it at all in this story.  I tried to bring it up this chapter, but just couldn’t find an appropriate place for it.  There are other more important things going on here, and I like the way this chapter flows as is.  Plus, it became apparent pretty quickly that Kagome hadn’t lost her powers.  But rest assured that if the characters had more time to consider things, they probably would have thought of it.  
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