InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Flailing Dreams ❯ Chapter 2 Holding Back ( Chapter 2 )

Chapter 2 Holding Back

It had been too long. Perhaps too late.

How long had it been since he felt like he could fly? How long had it been since he felt truly free…of everything? How long?

It had been three years since they met, less than that since he fell for her, since he had given up his heart for her. He had been captured, lured in by her enticing beauty, her gentle charm, her kind personality, everything she had and was. Not once did he ever fight against or dismiss it in any way. It was too strong, her magnetism. Even if he could fight it, he didn't dare. She was too precious for him to let go, and never would he want to.

But maybe he had been holding on for too long. Maybe he was too late.

Naraku was finally dead. Kikyou was finally resting. All that was left was the final jewel shard. The final Shikon no Kakera.

The final battle with Naraku made everyone realize something: each one of them had lost something because of the Shikon no Kakera. Somehow, through the Shikon no Tama, everyone has a loss that was, perhaps, almost unbearable.

Shippou had lost his mother and father to the Thunder brothers, who wished to collect all of the Shikon no Kakera, when they attack his parents for the shard in their possession. Miroku had lost his grandfather, whom he never knew, and his father to the Kazaana that Naraku had cursed, and yet blessed, them with. Sango had lost her entire family and village for the one shard that they had found. In the end, Kohaku, her brother and closest friend, was lost to Naraku.

Inuyasha had ultimately lost Kikyou, his once beloved. Kikyou, the one whom he promised to always protect, the one whom he had wished to be with always, the one whom he failed, had returned to the cycle of reincarnation. Her soul was resting peacefully in Kagome's.

That night, what happened, it was too raw in his mind. Naraku had launched an attack on Inuyasha, and Inuyasha was too slow to react to it. No one was close enough or quick enough to stop the attack, and Inuyasha had braced himself. But nothing came. He opened his eyes, lowering his arms. The tentacles were disintegrating only inches away from his heart. When he looked up at Naraku, part of Naraku's face and left side was missing. Naraku was glaring at something above Inuyasha. Inuyasha turned around to see Kikyou standing on the edge of a cliff nearby. Suddenly, the priestess fell forward over the cliff. Inuyasha leapt to catch her and landed safely with her in his arms. She spoke softly, weakly, as her body faded slowly, her last souls leaving the shell of a body.

“Inuyasha…” Her hand, shaking, reached to caress his cheek. “I guess I was not of much use after all. I could not keep my promise, and I failed to destroy Naraku as well.”

“Don't talk, Kikyou. You have to save your strength. You have-”

Kikyou pressed her thumb against his lips. “It's too late for me, no matter what. Inuyasha, you must promise me this.”

“Kikyou, I…”

“Live. Live and be free. Live to protect Kagome, the one who truly loves you, the one who is truly pure. Protect her, love her, live for her, Inuyasha, more than you ever wished for me. Promise me, Inuyasha.”

“Kikyou…”

“Promise…” Kikyou had almost disappeared. “I was never given a second chance to love you as I always wished. It's now Kagome's chance. Don't fail her…Farewell.”

Kikyou's last soul rose, turning her body to ash. The final one flew to Kagome, who stood far away watching. For a second, Inuyasha could see Kikyou's form embracing Kagome, allowing a tear to slip from her cheek to Kagome's, before she finally merged into the young miko's body. The rain fell.

Staggering to his feet, he mustered all of his power into one attack, the Kongousouha. Together, both and Kagome took down Naraku, ending his pitiful existence. After the battle, Inuyasha couldn't but to notice Kagome's forlorn expression in the rain. But it was true for all of them. Despite the victory, everyone had lost a piece of themselves to both the Shikon no Tama and Naraku.

With each loss, however, there was a gain. With the loss of their families, Sango, Miroku, and Shippou had found a new family within this group of five friends. Inuyasha had a gained a renew confidence within himself and a true friendship within each of his companions. He had also gained Kagome, someone who was more than just a friend to him.

Kagome…Inuyasha wasn't sure what she had lost, if anything. He knew she gained new friendships with him, Sango, Miroku, Shippou, all those people and youkai they had met somewhere along the road of her journey. She gained a knowledge of a land of warring humans and egotistical youkai. She discovered a power in herself that no one in her time could comprehend. She released a part of her that she would have never found in herself without the help of her companions. But for all of this, what had she lost? What had she given up or exchanged for these gifts that were rare? Was it a normal life as a school girl in the present Tokyo? Was it the peacefulness of a world without youkai? Was it the relief of knowing that nothing could try to hurt her? Inuyasha wanted to know. He knew Kagome kept every feeling of sadness and despair bottled up within her. He knew that she wasn't as fine as she let on. He knew her better than that. But how well was he sure of knowing her? How long could he make out to try to understand her?

If only he hadn't waited too long…If only it hadn't been too late…

It was almost a week since Kikyou and Naraku's death. They had returned to the Taijiya village and the graves of Sango's family to give them a proper burial and to also add Kohaku's remains. Then they traveled to Mushin's temple to inform him of the news and to also offer prayers to Miroku's father.

They were finally headed towards Kaede's village to take a long rest and to plan what would be their next plan of action. They were caught, however, in a terrible snow storm and had to find a shelter. Inuyasha recalled a cave next to a hot spring, a place that would be warm enough to rest until dawn. Sango, Kagome, and Shippou were the first to bathe before going to bed. Then Miroku, who was caught as usual hiding in the bushes, and Inuyasha had their turns.

While bathing, Miroku queried Inuyasha. “One more shard and this journey will be over, nee, Inuyasha? We'll finally be able to go our separate ways, to put these horrible memories behind us.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Inuyasha answered, not giving the comment much thought.

“The Shikon no Tama will be purified and disappear once more. There won't be any more reason for us to travel together again.” Miroku paused, glancing at Inuyasha. “Sango promised that she would marry me once we defeated Naraku and found the last Shikon no Kakera. Shippou will return to the village and aid Kaede-sama.”

“If that's what y'all want, I ain't stopping ya.”

Miroku frowned. “And what of you and Kagome-sama? If the jewel is purified, Kagome-sama will return through the well.”

“Your point?”

“Have you no feelings for Kagome-sama? Is she just a shard detector to you? Or do you wish for her to just stay here and leave as the protector of the Sacred Jewel for the rest of her life.”

“That's not my decision; it's hers to make. Whatever she chooses will be her own.”

Miroku was becoming aggravated. “And what if she chooses to go back to her own time and live her life there? Will you do nothing to stop her? Will you just let her go?!”

“What difference does it make to you? It's none of your business whether I stop her or not. I can't do anything to keep her from deciding what's best for her future. So stay out of it!”

“Inuyasha, do you realize what a big mistake you're making if you let her go without telling her anything?”

“It's my mistake to make. It's you who doesn't realize what I know. I would all over the world for her. I would fight for her life whether she asked me to or not. I would give her my life if she so desired. I'd do and give anything no matter what if she wished it of me. If she wants to return to her time, then I'll let her. I would follow her and leave everything behind me if it would mean her happiness. So what she does and wants is what I promised to allow her. What I do is no business of yours or anyone else's. So back off and let her have what she wants!”

Inuyasha stood up, dressed, and left without another word. When Miroku dried off and dressed, he saw Sango appear from the trees. “He still doesn't understand, does he?” she asked.

Miroku shook his head. “He's so stubborn that he won't see what Kagome wants. There's only so much time before he can wait on Kagome to tell what she wants. She doesn't know herself what she wants. To wait on her, it could break her.”

“If she breaks…”

Miroku embraced Sango. “Then none of us can bring her back, not even Inuyasha. It would be too late.”

 

`Stupid Houshi. He doesn't understand anything about me. None of them do. If Kagome…If Kagome left, then I would follow her. I wouldn't allow her to leave me without her knowing. I lost Kikyou twice already. If I lost Kagome, then…I don't know what I would do. She means too much…Without her, I'd…I would…'

Inuyasha sighed against the tree. It was too much. Naraku was finally dead. Kikyou's soul was resting peacefully once more. The Shikon no Tama was almost whole. The journey across Sengoku Jidai was almost over. Inuyasha wanted to be elate, happy in some way knowing that all things were almost right. But he needed to be reassured. He needed someone to tell him, to mean that the problems were solved, that everything would be alright. But everything wasn't, he knew. Everything wasn't right, especially for Kagome.

But what could he do? The feelings he held for her, were they mutual? Could he really trust what the others said were true? Was he sure that he wouldn't be rejected if he asked Kagome herself.

Rejection. That was what he was afraid of. Living a life of isolation, of fear, he couldn't stand going back to that way. What if that was his punishment for loving a girl who was so untouchable, so surreal; could he really find it within himself to confess? Could he really admit the truth to her? Kikyou said for him to love her and to protect her. There had been no doubt in anyone's mind, not even in his, that he would always love and protect her. But could he really try to hold on and find it within himself to be by her side without such rejection ruining him? An unrequited love, even he wouldn't be able to stand up under it. Confessed and rejected, he would have destroyed their relationship, their strong friendship that had always prevailed. Nothing would be the same.

But what if he had discerned correctly and she would return his love? There was always that possibility that kept him holding on, that kept him sane.

But he had waited too long. It was already too late.

“Inuyasha?” he heard someone say. He looked through the leaves in the tree. It was Kagome. He hadn't realized that she had come out of the cave. He hesitated. She tried again. “Inuyasha, I know you're up there.”

He leapt down in front of her. She had a blanket wrapped around her and a second held close to her chest. “What are you doing out her?” he asked.

“I saw you out here alone, so I came to see what was wrong. I thought you might have been cold, so I brought you this.” Kagome extended the blanket to him, hoping he would take it. He pushed it back towards her.

“I ain't cold. I'm not weak like you.” Inuyasha folded his arms and held his head high. When he didn't hear her say anything and heard her shift, he looked at her. She was staring at the water, shivering slightly. “Look, why don't you go back inside? It's cold out here and it's late. Go back to sleep.”

Kagome didn't budge from her spot. She clutched both blankets close to her as she shook her head. She mumbled something that Inuyasha couldn't understand.

“What?”

“I can't sleep,” she repeated. Her cheeks were tinged pink lightly.

“Why not?”

She shrugged her shoulders.

Inuyasha sighed. He picked up Kagome and hopped into the tree again. When he reached the branch he was previously sitting on, he leaned against the back of it with Kagome completely against his chest. He spread the second blanket across the both of them and held her close.

“What's wrong, Kagome?” He received no answer. “Kagome?” She remained silent. He sighed again. He couldn't sense anything from her, and it irked him very slowly. Suddenly, the young woman in his arms began to shiver terribly. He could smell the salt as her tears dripped onto his haori sleeves. He turned her around, seeing her distorted face as she cried silently.

“K-Kagome! What's wrong? Don't cry…please don't. Kagome!” Inuyasha tried to comfort her in any way he could, but she wouldn't stop. She continued as she shook her head repeatedly. The shivering turned to trembling and eventually to shaking. He tried to tell her not to cry, to tell him what was the matter, but she would only shake her head as she sobbed incessantly. He pulled her close, hugged her tightly, but still she wouldn't stopped. He could feel the torrent inside of her. He could feel her falling apart, escaping from him. He didn't know what to do. Only gasps and sobs came from her mouth, no words.

He gripped her arms, pulled her to look him in the face. She looked him in the eyes, only managing to say, “I can't. I just can't anymore…”

Finally, Inuyasha's eyes widened as he understood what she meant. The look in her eyes told him all he needed to know. Hesitantly, then firmly, he pulled her to him and placed his lips to hers. She gasped one more time before she surrendered to him.

Inuyasha wasn't sure what he had done and why he had done it. He did everything by instinct, not even thinking about why he should do it. He wrapped his arms around her, surrounded her in everyway he could, to protect her from the cold and from whatever fear she had. And, amazingly, she didn't push away. She clung to him, refusing to let go.

He calmed her, reassured her in some way, for some reason. Before he knew it, he was kissing away her cries, rubbed away her tears and her fears. She whimpered when his lips left her. He embraced her, held her as close as possible. Even if she did want to run, he would allow her to. She was too precious.

He buried his nose in her hair, reveling in the smell and feel of her in his arms, content to knowing that she wanted to be. Before he knew it, she had drifted off to sleep. He no longer doubted it. It was him she loved. He was her koishii.

He leaned against the tree, content to just holding the peacefully sleeping Kagome. What he wouldn't give to be content like this all the time, knowing that Kagome did return his feelings, even if only subtly. He brought her closer, his cheek resting against her forehead. Her steady breathing lulled him to sleep, joining her in dreams.

 

`Inuyasha.'

Inuyasha slowly opened his eyes to the sound of someone calling him. He lifted his head, looking around. Kagome was still sound asleep. The voice called to him again. It was a gentle voice, one that caressed his soul. Curiosity got the better of him, and he landed softly at the base of the tree with Kagome tucked safely in the blankets. He laid her gently against the tree and caressed her cheek before walking towards the hot spring. He left across the water and stood in the middle on a large boulder. He heard the voice louder this time and closed his eyes to concentrate and to hear what the voice said.

`Thank you, Inuyasha. Cherish and protect her, always.'

Inuyasha snapped open his eyes when he felt arms wrap around him. He turned around quickly to find a faint image of Kikyou embracing him. He looked up to the sky as the image disappeared into the steam as it caressed his cheeks. The clouds were still releasing snow that quickly melted once it reached the warm steam.

He deepened his expression. “Forever, I promise, Kikyou.”

He took another moment before leaping back across the water. He wiped his face to rid of the moistness from the mist. He looked up to see that Kagome had gone.

“Kagome…?” He walked up to the blankets, and, indeed, she wasn't where he had placed her. “Kagome?” He scent was still present; she had just recently left. Where, though, he couldn't tell. The mist was so thick that it erased much of any scent. Then he panicked. He couldn't sense any of her miko energy near. “Kagome!” He ran to the cave to find everyone asleep. Everyone except for Kagome. He rushed through the trees out into the open snow. The wind was too hard and the snow too heavy to find any trace of her. Even her scent was unperceivable. “KAGOME!”

His world shattered as he cried out her name countless times.

He held on too long. He waited too late.

So, how evil am I? Not so evil if I decided to continue this into an actual fanfic, nee? I got so overwhelmed, I just could not leave this story alone, especially since I have concocted a perfect storyline and ending…well…maybe not an ending yet, but I've got the plot. However, this will not be one of my frequent ones. It's a “when I feel like it” so please don't get mad if I don't update for a while. But I hope you'll enjoy.

R&R, onegai!