InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Good for a Laugh ❯ Good for a Laugh ( Chapter 1 )

Author's Note: I own nothing. Inuyasha et al belong to Rumiko Takahashi and part of the premise belongs to Resmiranda… many thanks to her for permitting me to borrow one of her speculations about the canon. I've written a great deal of non-fiction, but this is my first attempt at fanfiction, and I'm sorry to say I've resorted to some clichés, especially with regards to the Sess/Kag pairing. Also, if you're looking for a good lemon or lime, this is not the place - rules and such - that and the (almost) sex really is incidental to the plot (such as it is). Reviews are much appreciated but not demanded.

 

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“In Africa, a thing is true at first light and a lie by noon.” -Ernest Hemingway

 

“HENTAI!”

 

One would think that Miroku had learned his lesson after three years or so, but Sango's shout, followed by the crack of her rock-hard Hiraikotsu colliding with Miroku's even harder skull, proved otherwise.

 

He must be denser than I thought - literally - mused Kagome, to continually withstand Sango's refusals.

 

She laughed softly to herself. When she first fell down the well and began her journey, as a naïve but bright 15 year old, Miroku's lewd behavior had scandalized her, but now she found it a source of much needed amusement. Not that she would let on.

 

“Keh!” was the extent of Inuyasha's reaction to their companions' spat.

 

If only he and his brother - half brother - realized how similar they were… both masters of the monosyllable.

 

Kagome smiled inwardly. Shippo only shook his head discouragingly as Miroku rubbed out the newest kink in his neck and pleaded with Sango for forgiveness - it was all the cursed hand's fault.

 

As the five shard-hunters continued walking down the path along the edge of yet another beautiful, demon-infested forest, Kagome considered all the things her alternate life in the Feudal Era had taught her. Because, really, what else was there to do after you'd already admired the scenery for an hour or two?

 

Truth No. 1: Things are not always what they seem. Like the forest - pretty from here but pretty quick death for the hapless wanderer. Sometimes this truth - as with the woods - was dangerous, sometimes it was ironic, and sometimes it was downright funny. And in some cases, like all the times that Miroku's libido had led him into some female demon's trap, it was all three. As if any real woman in her right mind would agree to bear his children.

 

Oh, right. Sango would. If he'd just ask her politely - a few more times, to prove he was sincere - instead of groping her. Speaking of which…

 

Miroku was stretching his arms above his head, preparatory to bringing one of them down behind Sango, a move Kagome recognized from having to fend off Hojo at the movies last weekend.

 

Here it comes…

 

Sango's slap echoed across the clearing and Kagome watched the red handprint bloom on Miroku's face with the barest of smiles.

 

She must be warming up to him finally… she hasn't used Hiraikotsu as often lately.

 

As always, with the best grace and humor he recovered and began his apologies again.

 

Truth No. 2: A sense of humor is required for survival. Miroku knew this. Sango knew it too, though she hid it well. Often during their baths or other private times together, the older girl would share her repertoire of tasteless jokes with Kagome, which was extensive after growing up in a primarily male environment as a demon slayer. Given this, Kagome suspected that Sango was not so much upholding her modesty in the face of Miroku's advances as playing a kind of game, albeit a painful one for the monk. Whatever floats their boat.

 

Inuyasha would learn Truth No. 2 as well… some day.

 

Kagome had been so sincere when she arrived in the Feudal Era - so hopelessly sincere - and she still was at heart, but just as her skills with the bow and arrow had improved for her own self-defense, her sense of humor had evolved as a mental self-preservation. Not only did it help steady her in battle on occasion - a sarcastic inner monologue seemed to help keep her mind distracted from the possibility of imminent death or dismemberment as she tried to just stay alive and keep the jewel shards in sight - but it also helped keep mental exhaustion at bay, seeking out any source of amusement in the endless cycle of her travels.

 

Trudge, fight Sesshoumaru, battle, collect shards, cram frantically for test, fend off Kouga, argue with Inuyasha, go home in a huff, fail test, fend off Hojo and overly helpful friends, stuff ramen and candy in blasted yellow backpack, return to Feudal Era, wash, rinse, repeat. It reminded her of one of the RPG games Souta was so fond of. Although now that she had graduated high school - barely - she had a welcome break in the routine and had decided to spend the whole summer in sixteenth-century Japan, with the jewel nearing completion. She had also traded in the school girl uniform for a pair of jeans, some loose cotton tank tops, a soft, faded grey sweater, and black water-proofed leather boots - for which she thanked the gods daily, each and every one of them. While the uniform, over time, had become a symbol of her difference from her previous incarnation, Kikyou, she was just as happy to have her sense of self reside in comfortable clothing.

 

Kouga, however, had been disappointed to see the obscenely short skirt go. He never said a word - he was still faultlessly chivalrous in addition to being a pig-headed chauvinist - but she knew what he was thinking. She almost giggled out loud remembering the brief pout that had crossed his lips. Years ago she had been shocked and embarrassed by his imploring words and rough, warm hands on her own. Now she would just calmly pluck her hands from Kouga's, smile ruefully and give her refusal, pat his cheek, and then sit Inuyasha before he burst a vein in his rage - or Kouga's skull. The thought of this routine broke Kagome's previous half-smile into a full-on goofy grin.

 

“What's so funny, wench?”

“Nothing, Inuyasha.”

“Feh. Crazy woman.”

 

Perhaps. Kagome smirked. A few more years of this and I will be. As she was about to ponder the Third Truth - that hot water and feather pillows were arguably mankind's greatest achievements in the past 400 years - the small party encountered a complication. Kagome supposed it was about time.

 

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As was always the way with Sesshoumaru, one second there was nothing and the next he was there looking glacially calm and impossibly disdainful all at once. At the head of the group, Miroku braced himself, hand on the beads that held his wind tunnel in check. Sango swung Hiraikotsu from her back and shed her kimono, without anyone noticing, to reveal the taijiya uniform underneath.

 

How in the blazes does wonder woman over there do that? Kagome wondered as she skirted to the side of the road and knocked an arrow, Shippo clinging to her shoulder and bravely trying to conceal the shiver in his little tail. Down the length of her arrow Kagome stared at Sesshoumaru and thought about how girly he was with the long hair and those red markings on his eyelids that really, really looked like eyeshadow. Bad eyeshadow at that. Must have got into his mother's makeup drawer.

 

Still, her aim faltered, the head of the arrow wavering slightly in the air. Beyond her Inuyasha had charged forward, brandishing his large sword and shouting - the possible double entendres had ceased to amuse Kagome long ago, and besides…

 

With practiced grace Sesshoumaru drew Tokijin and deflected Inuyasha's headlong rush, sending him flying, only to stop abruptly with a sickening thud against a tree trunk somewhere to Kagome's left. After checking to see that Inuyasha was still moving - groaning at least - out of the corner of her eye, Kagome returned to glare at Sesshoumaru, this time mentally adding some ribbons to his hair and completing the bad makeup job with some shimmery pink lipstick.

 

Like he gave a unicorn a blowjob. At last, her aim steadied. She sighted the center of his chest and felt a cocky grin tug at the corner of her mouth.

 

Sesshoumaru strode forward, past Miroku and Sango, who remained on guard but essentially helpless to stop him, seemingly intent on continuing to punish Inuyasha for his very existence. No girl or imp. He's come alone. He means business. This is bad, very bad.

 

“Stop!” The command left Kagome's lips before she could censor it.

 

As he turned sharply to regard her, annoyanced flickered across his otherwise placid features. Think, Kagome, how do you keep his attention while Inuyasha shakes it off?

 

“Why should this Sesshoumaru listen to your demands?” Pause. “And why do you smile?”

 

Oops. Forgot about that. Something was funny…

 

“That's for me to know and you to find out.” Great, Kagome. Wonderful.

 

Sesshoumaru frowned and behind him Inuyasha staggered to his feet. Quick, stall him!

 

“Don't move!” The head of her arrow flared pink with holy energy.

 

“Don't be stupid, wench!” Inuyasha shouted, reclaiming some of Sesshoumaru's attention.

 

“Oi!” Kagome felt her palms sweat. “This probably won't kill you, but it'll hurt like a bitch. I might even purify your other arm off!”

 

Shit.

 

Sesshoumaru growled - a feral sound, low in his chest - and before she had time to let loose her arrow, his right arm connected with her midsection as he charged, knocking Shippo loose, and hauled her off into the trees with him.

 

And I thought Inuyasha's mouth would be his end one day… was all Kagome could think as Sango's distraught cry, Miroku's stunned silence, and Inuyasha's incessant cursing faded in the distance.

 

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Kagome crashed to a halt against a tree trunk, Sesshoumaru's claws pricking her neck as he held her in a death grip at the end of his very un-purified right arm.

 

“It seems that worthless half-breed infects all those around him with his stupidity.”

 

Frozen in terror, Kagome's mental defenses kicked in and she did the only thing she could do… she laughed.

 

“What do you find so amusing, miko?”

 

“I don't know,” Kagome answered truthfully, tears trickling down her cheeks - whether from laughter or fear, she couldn't tell.

 

Not satisfied with her answer, Sesshoumaru shook her sharply, his claws drawing blood with the motion and then, without her realizing, Kagome's holy powers flared, pink energy crackling around his fingers. She was dropped to the ground unceremoniously and looked up to see him staring at his hand, his face a blank mask.

 

“That… tickled.”

 

This was most definitely not the reaction she had expected. And if it wasn't enough…

 

“Do it again,” he commanded.

 

“Oh, no!” Kagome scrambled up and away, thrusting her arms in front of her, palms out in the best self-defense she could think of without bow or arrow.

 

“You would deny this Sesshoumaru?”

 

Hell yes! she screamed inside. But nothing came out. Sesshoumaru paused, shrugged gracefully out of his armor, and began to advance on her. Great, he wants to play with me a little before he kills me. Just like a big cat. Wish I could find that ironic right now.

 

Slowly, calmly, he walked forward until her palms met his chest. Nothing happened.

 

Frowning beautifully, he grabbed her throat and pulled her roughly against him. Both her hands clamped around his only wrist as she did her best to escape before asphyxiating. And through her struggling she almost thought she heard him sigh.

 

“Useless,” he declared.

 

This hit a nerve and Kagome's anger sparked and the pink energy rushed to her fingertips. He growled, this time in satisfaction, and turned to back her against the tree again, still none too gently. Furious both at the haughty smile he now wore and her impending demise, she kicked and twisted against his grip. Sesshoumaru's only response to her renewed struggle was to slam his hips against her waist and shift his knee between her legs, hampering her desperate movement.

 

Despite herself, Kagome moaned at the sudden heat and friction of his muscled thigh against her core. Obviously, her lower body was not connected to her brain, which was racing in frantic circles, and she bucked against him involuntarily. Still angry beyond reason, she glared at him, only to find he had elegantly raised one eyebrow as he considered her with what she supposed was the closest he ever came to confusion.

 

“Hn.”

 

Kagome's powers continued to sputter and flare, but to no effect, possibly due to her divided attention. One part of her brain was screaming in rage and helplessness and the other part was purring “oooh, warm.”

 

“You are angry.” He sniffed. “And aroused. Curious.”

 

No, I most definitely am not! Kagome wanted to retort, but couldn't muster her vocal chords. Instead, she began to cry in frustration, with herself and with her predicament.

 

Obviously still intrigued, Sesshoumaru leaned forward without releasing his grip on her neck, and carefully licked one tear from where it hovered about to drop from her jaw, back up her cheek.

 

“Gagh.” What in the hell is he doing?! Kagome tried to struggle again and Sesshoumaru let out a short bark in her ear. She froze.

 

Trying to breathe deeply and ignore the tree bark digging into her back and her bruised rear, she worked to calm herself and think of a way out, while the demon lord holding her continued his investigation of her person. Deciding he liked the taste of her skin, Sesshoumaru licked his way along her jaw to her earlobe - No, gross, no no no - where he latched one of his fangs, sniffed, and exhaled slowly, making Kagome shiver. Mmm, NO no no nonono…

 

Kagome squirmed, arching her back in protest, but this only furthered her predicament by rubbing her breasts against Sesshoumaru's chest, causing her nipples to harden with the friction. She had to fight the instinct to wind her free leg around his hip.

 

He pulled back to stare at her again and Kagome realized she was flushed and panting. For once she didn't need to wonder what he was thinking - the look in his eyes as he took in her disheveled state was universally recognizable.

 

“Hn.”

 

Again with the monosyllables. Not so funny now that you're pinned up against a tree and about to me shagged but good, eh Kagome?

 

Determined not to give in to the urges from her traitorous body, Kagome removed her hands from his wrist to shove against Sesshoumaru's chest, doing her best to ignore the toned muscles and the scalding heat beneath his kimono. God. Dammit. As her irritation with herself increased her powers steadied and the pink aura sizzled against the silk and crackled across his flawless skin. This has to be hurting now.

 

“Your struggles are only further enticing this Sesshoumaru,” he dryly informed her before, impossibly fast, shifting his grip to her wrists - Damn he has large hands - and whipping her to the ground in an all too convenient patch of moss and flowers. So he's a masochist and I should have taken my allergy medicine, she thought wryly as he straddled her legs, pinning her again. And then he was leaning in, dragging his chest along hers and burying his nose in her neck greedily, then running one fang across her collarbone, raising a thin red welt in its wake, and oooh, I was angry about something… His mouth worked its way, open and moist and hot, down the cleavage her gaping tank-top offered and his hair, cold, heavy and silky, caressed her arms.

 

And then he was standing with his back to her and Kagome felt cool air rush in where his warmth and weight had vanished.

 

What the-

 

And then Kagome heard her voice.

 

“Here you are.”

 

Kagome had the impression that several people were speaking at once- the voice was hard and warm, deep and light, wry and deadly serious, all at once. It was not necessarily pleasant, but she felt compelled to listen.

 

Sesshoumaru said nothing, but she could have sworn she saw his shoulders tense slightly. I am going to just sit verrrry still and maybe he'll forget I'm here and whoever she is won't notice and - damn - my eyes are watering. Stupid flowers.

 

The mystery woman continued speaking and from behind Sesshoumaru Kagome was sure she was a demon. Her voice and the fact that the demon lord hadn't moved an inch were enough.

 

“I am fully aware that you have every right to do as you please with your time, my lord, but I am here to inform you that the affairs of your lands require more of your attention than you have paid of late. The papers are a foot thick on your desk, covered in an inch of dust. `Extended constitutionals' are all well and good, but three years is quite `extended' enough, don't you think?”

 

Sesshoumaru's back stiffened but he didn't utter a word. Not one monosyllable. Kagome's nose itched.

 

“What have you been doing?”

 

More stony silence.

 

Kagome's allergies finally got the better of her and she let out a violent sneeze. Oooh, that felt good… Whoops.

 

Sesshoumaru turned to stare at her, clearly aggravated and… disappointed? Worried? But Kagome had no time to puzzle it out, because with his shift in posture she could now see the other woman. Light grey eyes widened in surprise and then narrowed as the woman turned to gaze calmly at Sesshoumaru, her face as impenetrable a facade as his own.

 

“Oh. I see.”

 

The rise in pitch and emphasis on the last word was the only evidence of emotion. Slowly getting to her feet, Kagome was amazed, now that she could see the female demon. She appeared to be inu, but completely unlike Sesshoumaru, except for the hauteur she wore like a second skin. Her hair was jet black - meticulously coiffed into a simple twist with no visible ornament - and that darkness combined with her slight tan accentuated the startling paleness of her eyes. And just below those eyes was a single, elegant black stripe on each high cheekbone, which was duplicated at her wrists. Her hands were clasped in front of her, fingers interlaced - the gesture conveyed calm expectation.

 

Later, Kagome would remember that she wore a steel gray kimono with white sakura blossoms on the shoulder and sleeves in a pattern similar to Sesshoumaru's, but at the moment everything except for her eyes and captivating voice faded to insignificance. This woman needed no finery or ornamentation.

 

Since Sesshoumaru seemed disinclined to offer any explanation, the woman stepped past him and introduced herself to Kagome, who struggled awkwardly to her feet.

 

“I am Sayuri, Lady of the Western Lands. And your name is?” She spoke in the patient tone, with the barest hint of condescension, that one of the upper class uses when addressing children or making nice with the help.

 

“It's K-Kagome.” Try not to swallow your own tongue. Wives - Sesshoumaru has a wife - in this era are used to concubines and affairs. She won't kill me… probably. Nevermind he started it. “My apologies, lady, but I had no intention…” What are you going to tell her? I didn't want to screw him, just shoot his other arm off…

 

Kagome didn't get a chance to finish her stumbling explanation. Now in closer proximity, Sayuri sniffed the air between them and those dramatic eyes widened again in shock.

 

“Human!” Her flexible voice tinted the word with disgust and anger, before the eyes narrowed and she recovered her composure. Apparently deciding Kagome was no longer worth any notice she returned her attention to Sesshoumaru, a frown of disappointment weighting her lips and lowering her brow.

 

“Really, Sesshoumaru, the dozens of illegitimate pups I can withstand. Heaven knows the concubines leave me with more time to myself and the army of brats is a small price to pay for that leisure… but hanyou?! By all the gods, do you ever stop to think?”

 

Apparently some male traits crossed species. At least Sesshoumaru had the grace to take his dressing down in dignified silence.

 

“If you'll remember, my father only agreed to our marriage because we were assured that you would not take after your father. Have you no standards left? What will the other lords think? I can hear my mother already… I simply cannot fathom your stupidity at this moment.”

 

Sesshoumaru was beginning to show the slightest signs of agitation. He shifted his stance slightly and at last found his usual deadpan voice.

 

“This is a singular incident.” There was only the slightest hint of defensiveness in his explanation. But it was there. His gaze shifted momentarily to the forest depths and then back to his wife.

 

Wife. Wife wife wife wife, Kagome struggled to link the word with the stoic lord in her mind. And then she heard the sounds that Sesshoumaru must have picked up a minute or two ago - the snuffling of a beast and angry squawks… “stupid girl!”

 

“Lord Sesshoumaru!”

 

Sayuri whipped around, any further criticism forgotten, and watched with evident disbelief as the little girl in a checkered kimono ran gaily out from the undergrowth, straight to her guardian. Kagome swore she saw Sesshoumaru's golden eyes warm momentarily before the indifference returned. His ward proceeded to babble about how they had been looking for him, but Jaken waddled too slow and this, that and the other…

 

Of course, Sayuri, noticing the physical similarities between Kagome and Rin, leapt to the obvious wrong conclusion.

 

“Singular incident?” A low growl rumbled in her throat.

 

Sesshoumaru gently placed his hand on the girl's head to silence her. He looked at his wife quizzically for a moment before finally catching up with her logic. The exasperation was plain on his face. Kagome thought she might have heard him sigh.

 

“Rin is not hanyou.”

 

“And you are not a son of a bitch. You try my patience, Sesshoumaru.”

 

“And you forget your place, woman,” he coolly informed her, his golden eyes hardening. Evidently he had decided to reclaim control of the situation. With a gentle shove he sent Rin in Kagome's direction and looked to her sternly. Time slowed. Kagome could feel the quickened pulse in her neck acutely.

 

“This Sesshoumaru thanks you for your silence, miko.”

 

Translation: squeal and I'll kill you. Fair enough.

 

Kagome nodded her understanding and ushered Rin back into the forest, ridiculously thankful to be released from what had to be the most terrible and awkward scene she'd ever been a part of. The two-headed dragon followed, seeming to understand his master's wishes, and so did the toad, uncharacteristically without protest. Kagome hazarded that he knew better than to interfere with his master's marital issues.

 

As they distanced themselves from the couple, Kagome heard growling coming from the clearing, a few fierce barks, and something she could only assume was the sound of a tree trunk cracking.

 

After this, either one of them will be dead or there will be some frighteningly intense make-up sex… I'll just not think about that.

 

Kagome settled Rin on the dragon and bid her and Jaken farewell before jogging off in what she figured was probably the direction she'd come from. Not that she'd been paying attention to their flight path. Oh well, Inuyasha would be able to scent her out eventually.

 

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When she rejoined her group an hour or so later, Shippo barreled into her stomach, clutching her tightly and Sango hugged her, joyfully relieved. Placing his hand on her shoulder, Miroku quietly inquired as to her well-being and she assured them all she that was fine. Confused, but fine. And Inuyasha was in a fine state as well.

 

“What did that bastard do to you? Why did you do that?! I was sure he would kill you!” Obviously he was distressed at another failure on his part to protect her, and Kagome did her best to reassure Inuyasha without breaking her understood promise to Sesshoumaru. After all, the hanyou had no sense of humor when it came to his half-brother, and would no doubt fail to appreciate the surreal hilarity of the recent episode.

 

“Well, let's just say that things are not always what they seem.”

 

“What the hell kind of answer is that, wench?” Inuyasha huffed. Sango looked confused as well, but kept her counsel, and Miroku merely cocked an eyebrow, clearly expecting that this would lead to an interesting story.

 

You have no idea, Kagome wanted to say. But a promise was a promise and there were definitely aspects of her encounter with the demon lord that she preferred not to share.

 

So she ignored Inuyasha's continued demands for an explanation and gathered her bow and arrows, slung her backpack over one shoulder, deposited Shippo upon the other, and continued on their former path. She was still having trouble wrapping her mind around the idea of Sesshoumaru as a married man with dozens of charming but illegitimate children - but then again, for a member of the aristocracy, she supposed this was all perfectly normal. Still, she highly doubted Inuyasha or any of the others had ever thought of him as anything other than the evil older brother who coveted Tessaiga - certainly not as a husband or father with, apparently, plenty of his own problems.

 

Then she remembered the look on his face when he realized his wife had taken Rin for his and Kagome's child and she couldn't help but giggle.

 

Well, if nothing else, next time I have to face him this day will be good for a laugh.

 

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I know… I suck at thinking up Japanese names, so I ripped one. I'd thought of a character with gray eyes before I realized the similarity to the protagonist in Memoirs of a Geisha. They really have nothing in common, but it was a name and I needed one. Happy to take suggestions. And I deeply apologize for the abrupt loss of Sess's armor, but it had to go and so it goes.