InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Guardian Angel of the Loved ❯ Learning To Live Again ( Chapter 4 )

Guardian Angel of the Loved

Chapter 4: Learning to Live Again

"Kagome! Now!" Sango shouted, landing on the ground, catching her hiraikotsu (sorry if I spelled that wrong!). I took out my bow, aiming straight for the demon's heart. The demon walked towards me, swinging his claws dangerously. The power of the sacred arrow built up as I released, hitting the demon hard. His body faded away as the shard glimmered in the sun. Smiling, I picked it up,"One step closer!" I said victoriously. Sango and Miroku smiled back, glancing nervously at each other. The same look I had seen in Miroku's eyes a month earlier when I came back to the Fuedal Era. I forced a laugh, I would have rather screamed at them. But I pushed back the anger and put on a fake smile,"What's with you guys? Always looking at each other that way?" I said,"Is it perhaps, looove?" I knew, of course, it wasn't. They were frightened of the way I acted lately. When I first came, I had built up my fury and fear, and I let it out when I thought they weren't looking...on myself. The scars on my arms were covered now with my sleeves. But they knew. I chose to pretend I didn't know they were pretending. It was an awful game to play, but I played it with pride.

Sango and Miroku smiled yet again and my anger soared,'I hate them! They could've stopped it! They can stop me! They don't hurt themselves and they don't carry the guilt everywhere!' I thought, wearing my own fake smile. It wasn't true, the accident of 7 months ago was no one's fault except Naraku's. 'Maybe that's why I came back,' I had told myself,'To get rid of my guilt.' We walked along silently, leaving me in my thoughts. I lightly touched my sleeve, my fingers grazing the cuts underneath,'Maybe it takes awhile to look away from guilt.' But how long I had wondered so many times before. Why was my guilt building up more every time a fresh scar on my arm healed over? 'I don't deserve to heal, the scars should've always been there,' I said to myself. So I had inflicted more upon myself after the ones from Naraku healed over. I made it so every time I looked at my arms I would always carry the guilt. Every time the stinging pain from the knife came, I would remember what InuYasha felt. I shook my head angrily,'I should be at peace again, remember what he said...' and I would remind myself of the mere month ago when I had felt at ease in InuYasha's arms. That peace and safety would never come again, I needed safety from what I did to myself. I needed peace in my mind. 'It wasn't your fault!' I screamed at myself silently.

So this went on, for two more weeks. I couldn't go back to the present yet. Every night, by the light of the stars and moon, I would give myself new scars. Every night, I wondered why my angel hadn't come. 'He's not real, Kagome, he's not really there,'I thought one night,'You're trying to make something come that isn't there anymore!' At this single thought, I wept. Such a relief tears were compared to pain. I hadn't wept in more than a month and it was so relieving in my mind. Tears gave me my peace. I fell asleep with that peace and arose the next morning with that peace. The peace stayed this time, but the addiction I had to pain and guilt didn't go. It didn't give me peace. But I couldn't stop. I wanted the pain, because I wanted InuYasha to come back. I learned to live with pain, it was so easy to make a scar across flawless skin and then smile. Smiling was the outside, the inside was screaming and crying. The crying brought the peace, the tears came from pain now, the pain came from guilt. The pain gave me relief. The tears gave me peace. It was easy now to me. Routine like a schedule. It was part of the schedule that nobody knew. The life no one knew would clash with the life everyone saw. The peace would end as all peace does. War...would destroy the peace. War would break our lives. I closed me eyes, trying to cry as blood dripped down my arm,"Peace, my InuYasha, bring us peace to live again," I whispered.

Peace is the beginning of war.

War will be there always.

Peace is never forever.

Forever and always is love.

Love...where peace and war meet.