InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Halves ❯ On the Other Side ( Chapter 14 )

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Inuyasha exhaled deeply, his eyes connecting with the ground. For some reason, he couldn't look into Kikyou's eyes right now, he was too ashamed of the way he'd broken her trust to do so. It was hypocritical of him, he knew, but what could he do now? He wanted to think he'd had no choice but to heed the call of Kagome's heart, though he knew it wasn't entirely true. He could have prevented Kikyou's ache, he could have told her about his feelings from the very beginning - too bad he hadn't been too aware of how real they were himself.

 

He'd thought a bit these last few days.

 

Above all else, he could have a child with Kikyou now, the idea seemed terrific. They could be happy, this sounded even better, but did he still want all these with Kikyou now? She was beautiful, she was young, she was his wife and he loved her, but… did he love her all that much anymore?

 

If it came down to it, he knew he loved Kagome more. The way his heart twisted and clenched inside his chest was perhaps only one indication to the fact. He couldn't sleep at night, he'd got used to it. Kagome's death was weighing heavily on his consciousness and soul, he sometimes couldn't breathe. It would be selfish of him to want Kikyou's caress right now, to seek for her comfort, and he found he didn't.

 

He'd always love Kikyou, he was sure, but he wasn't good enough for her now, and she couldn't give him what he sought anymore.

 

“Kikyou, I,” how could he start? I… love you, but I don't? No, that was not it, he loved her, but le loved Kagome more. Kagome, the woman who had died. Kagome, the woman who had been his Half.

 

“Damn, this is hard,” he muttered under his breath, it was too difficult to try and keep the tears away.

 

“You can start by looking me in the eye, Inuyasha,” Kikyou said rather coldly, he'd expected that. He knew she had something to say to him too, perhaps if she went first he'd find the courage along the way?

 

“You go first,” he suggested and the woman nodded.

 

“Fine,” she said, “I've… noticed some changes in you lately.” Her eyes were everywhere on his face, committing everything to memory as if it were the last time she saw him. “You've been more cold and detached, and as your wife you can imagine I do not like it one bit. I don't know what's happening to you, and if you're not going to tell me, then how do you expect me to just stay silent?” she cupped his cheek in the palm of her hand, offering him her gentlest gaze.

 

Don't look at me like that, Kikyou, I don't deserve it.

 

He opened his mouth to say something, but Kikyou's slender finger on his lips silenced him.

 

“You haven't been paying attention to our relationship lately, and that is really strange, unreal even. You were perhaps more involved in `us' than I was before, yet now you don't even look at me. What am I supposed to assume, anata? Do you not love me anymore?” her eyes searched his, she was desperate to find some answers there.

 

After such a question, she'd expected him to be offended by her allusion, to be surprised at how she could even think about that, yet he seemed entirely… defeated. A grim feeling overtook her and she felt the strangest urge to wrap her arms around her body for comfort. But Kikyou was strong, she resisted it.

 

“That's not it,” he said weakly, shaking his head, “that's not it at all.” She wanted to believe it, truly, she did, but why didn't his eyes shine for her like they always did? Why didn't his lips kiss hers the moment he laid eyes on her? The Inuyasha she knew, the Inuyasha from before was another person, she didn't like this one. This new Inuyasha was sad, he was torn. He wasn't… hers. Not anymore.

 

“What have you done to yourself?” came her broken question. He didn't realize how much it hurt him until he heard her sigh profusely.

 

“It's time I told you a few things, Kikyou,” he almost whispered, holding her gaze with his. She nodded, she wanted to hear.

 

For a moment, Inuyasha wondered if this was appropriate, if it was okay to just approach the subject directly, and decided Kikyou deserved this, she deserved the unadulterated truth. “I've… found my Half.”

 

Her eyes widened and her lips parted, she was truly beautiful even as confused as she was. His heart broke for her as he read the dejection in her eyes.

 

When she didn't say anything, he took it as a cue to continue, “I didn't meant to, but I… fell in love.”

 

“Did you cheat on me?” she asked and Inuyasha started. He hadn't… expected her to be so blunt.

 

“I…” had she really asked that?

 

“Did you?” she repeated, her words spoken calmly, offering him a deceiving sense of encouragement.

 

He closed his eyes in shame for a moment then opened them with fresh guilt for her to relish, “Yes.”

 

His eyes shut closed when his head was jerked to the side by the sheer force of her slap. He knew he deserved it, he'd ignore the physical pain, it was nothing.

 

The woman before him, his wife, he didn't recognize her, but it was to be expected. Her eyes shined with hurt, something he'd seen before, but her lips were pulled in a mocking smile as she snorted. Averting her eyes, she bit her lower lip and shook her head, no, she definitely hadn't expected him to say that.

 

“So while I was here worrying about you, you were screwing your Half?” she asked incredulously, her eyes daring him to deny it. And he did.

 

“It happened only once, Kikyou, and I admit I didn't try to prevent it, but-”

 

“Are you going to tell me you couldn't help feeling that way about her because she's your Half?” she interrupted harshly, narrowing her dark eyes.

 

“No, now I know it wasn't that. I loved her, I still do,” he told her pathetically.

 

“What do you want me to say?” she wondered aloud, fighting back the tears she knew were coming. She'd known she'd have to face this someday, but it still hurt so, so much.

 

“I felt torn between you two at the beginning, I wanted to stay faithful to you, I thought my feelings were because of the bond. But then we destroyed the bond, and I-”

 

“Wait, you destroyed the bond? Willingly?” she asked with an obvious hint of surprise.

 

“Yes, I… I thought I was doing the right thing, I was stupid.”

 

“The right thing for whom, Inuyasha?” she inquired wisely, she knew what he'd say and felt like slapping him again for it.

 

“The right thing for…. you. For us,” he sighed, could it get any harder than this? “But I realized I still loved her even without the bond. I knew then what the bond means, I was just too late.” He didn't want to burden her with his predicament, but she'd probably want to know the whole truth. Before she could say another word, he continued, “She's dead now.”

 

Kikyou gasped, her hand covering her mouth. Inuyasha's Half was… dead? Yes, she was entirely upset and mad at him, not to mention disappointed, but his… Half was dead? The woman he loved was dead? She didn't feel sad for either of them and she didn't allow herself to even think about that, she was just too enwrapped in her shock to notice anything else.

 

“D-dead?” Curiosity gripped her every fiber, who was this woman he spoke about?

 

“Yes, she died,” he confirmed with a small nod, was he trying to inform his wife or himself?

 

An odd feeling of understanding floated around her body, could it be true? There was too much of a coincidence, was it true?

 

“Who was she?” Never did Kikyou realize that her voice was actually trembling, she was too caught up in the moment to notice.

 

“Higurashi Kagome,” he said simply, the name tearing through her insides. Higurashi Kagome, the woman she had placed her whole trust in. Higurashi Kagome, the miko she'd shared her knowledge with. Fate seemed entirely too cruel right now, Kikyou gave a dry laugh that pierced Inuyasha like an arrow. He recognized that laughter, it was her self-defense popping up. He'd wanted to avoid this, but it was impossible.

 

… Higurashi Kagome, the miko that had seemed so odd from the very beginning.

 

“Kagome-san?” she repeated and he nodded miserably.

 

“How convenient for you two to spend so much time together,” she found herself thinking.

 

“She's dead, Kikyou,” it was clear how much it hurt him, “we didn't mean to at the time. It was an… unfortunate circumstance.”

 

“Unfortunate?” she cocked an inquisitive eyebrow.

 

“It ultimately led to her death, why would it be anything else?” he pointed out.

 

Kikyou turned her back to him, walking a few steps away, she needed to think. She didn't want to react angrily, this wasn't her. She was a proud woman, she wouldn't be trifled with, but she wasn't heartless. She could recognize remorse when she saw it, and Inuyasha truly hadn't meant to do anything he'd done. But that didn't make it better, that didn't absolve him of his fault.

 

“You could have told me from the start,” she said firmly. It would have been much easier for her to cope with it if he hadn't cheated on her, too.

 

“I… at the beginning I thought I wasn't going to fall in love with her or anything, I thought I just had to stifle my… urges. And after that I trusted that my love for you was stronger. And it was, for a… while. Before we destroyed the bond, I honestly thought I could go back to a peaceful, happy life with you, but I was a bastard for even thinking that, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything Kikyou.” He wanted to touch her, to comfort her, he wanted her to forgive him.

 

“I'm sorry about Kagome,” she said, she'd regretted to hear about Kagome's death, now was not different, even though it didn't hurt her in the least.

 

“Thank you,” he replied, his smile forced, “I wish I hadn't done things the way I did them…”

 

His soul was bare in front of Kikyou right now, she was witnessing it crumble. She somehow wanted him to hurt, but she didn't want to watch it happening. He deserved a punishment for his lack of judgment in his action, yet the Kami had been too harsh. To take away his Half and leave him without a wife, as well? Granted, he had made mistakes, but the sentence was too ruthless.

 

“You do realize this means I will no longer be our wife,” she pointed out and was relieved to see him nod.

 

“I couldn't ask you to stay with me after everything. I don't… I don't want you too.”

 

Somehow, that last statement hurt her more than anything, but she knew it was the best for both of them. I was his way of protecting them both.

 

“I'm… sorry for telling you this now,” he murmured dejectedly, he really was.

 

“It's better than not saying anything and leaving me in the dark,” she commented, “I'm glad you're safe.” Inuyasha's eyes rested on Kikyou's beautiful kimono with its intricate design and the symbol of the Imperial Family. He realized she would no longer be part of it, she would no longer wear these kimonos.

 

“I have to speak to your father,” he said, he'd have to explain everything himself.

 

“My father's away,” Kikyou replied immediately.

 

“Really?” he raised an eyebrow, “where?”

 

Now that he mentioned it, it was kind of strange that she didn't know where her father really was - they'd only told her it had to do with his business, “I don't know exactly.”

 

“Strange,” Inuyasha commented aloud and Kikyou had to agree with him.

 

Seconds passed, they slowly developed into minutes, and the twosome kept staring at each other as if they wouldn't see the other again.

 

“I don't want us to part being upset with each other,” Inuyasha admitted, he hoped she'd agree.

 

“I can't say I'll forgive you now, Inuyasha, you've hurt me,” she spoke calmly, “I'm not causing a scene, it's not like me. But it's going to take a while until I won't be upset with you anymore.”

 

He nodded, “I understand.”

 

“Alright,” she said, “good luck.” She knew this was probably the last time she'd see her husband again, hopefully he wouldn't come when she left. She'd send him notice.

 

“Take care,” he said, watching her head back to her room. “Take care, Kikyou.”

 

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