InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Her Protector ❯ Desire & Despair ( Chapter 18 )

 

Disclaimer: I don't own any characters from Inuyasha, it's the sole property of Goddess Romiko Takahashi, and I cannot take credit for her genius.

 

Kagome is a college student unaware of the mortal peril she is in. He's a bitter silver - haired Adonis with a checkered past and a vow to protect humans. So when the two meet, it's a given that fireworks follow…

 

 

 

Chapter 18

-

Desire & Despair

 

The pretty little fly walked deeper into the spider's parlour but the spider stood motionless, his mind in shambles.

  

Inuyasha was torn. There was no other way to describe the duality of his thoughts. A part of him wanted to be the harsh hanyou, both cruel and cold in his majesty. He wanted to take what he wanted without any fear, guilt or sadness. To tease and punish the reason his life had been thrown into a tizzy, the reason why he had fallen to a new low, the trigger that had made him betray his closest friend. He felt soiled and knew that only by giving vent to his fury and great ire, would he absolve himself. On the other hand, he felt a strange protectiveness in him. He felt the tug of kinship, of friendship that battled with his other desire. Every time he saw a sad smile or a tear on Rin's face, all his protective instincts kicked in. He wanted to protect her, his nemesis, from all harm and sadness. It was a feeling, an emotion that was very strong and something that he could not deny. The duality of his thoughts, the pure indecision of it made him freeze in place.

 

That he wanted her, was clear to him. That he would take her today was obvious. But how to go about it, how to treat her, was killing him. He wanted to both dominate her and to cherish her. And, the two could not be accomplished at the same time.

 

His eyes narrowed at her nervousness as she moved within his room and he realised that he was overthinking the matter. She was here, in his room, and he was wasting time. He should just let his instincts take over. Decision made, he smirked, watching her carefully.

 

Aware of his close scrutiny, Rin felt a cold finger of dread creep up her spine, even as she attempted to feign nonchalance. Carefully avoiding the mussed bed which reeked of sex and sweat, she moved to the farthest corner of the room. Knowing that Inuyasha had been intimate with a girl, just minutes ago, gave her a strange feeling and almost cracked the calm façade she had tacked on. It should have put her off, disgusted her no end to know what he had been doing, but instead felt an almost giddy excitement at the thought. The fact that her arms were wrapped tightly around her midriff, to stop her stomach from capering around, probably gave her nervousness away to the much too shrewd hanyou, but she did not care. Rin only wished that he would stop looking at her as if she was a tasty meal that he wanted to pounce on. She should leave, she really should, but some stubborn part of her refused to give up, rationalizing that as long as he only looked, she did not really mind. After all, several boys had been salivating after her this past week and while she was not comfortable with their lechery, she was no longer as paranoid about it as she had been. Of course, the fact that he was the only one whose looks could cause a swarm of butterflies to flutter around in her stomach was not lost on her. And that scared her!

 

Fear had been present for far too long in her life to give up all connection to it so easily. It had been both her best friend, for it had made her err on the side of caution and kept her safe, and most hated enemy, never letting her actually LIVE. The unpleasant memories rankled her constantly, for she had not created any pleasant memories that could replace them. The kiss with Inuyasha, though short and inauspiciously ended, had been something that she had rather enjoyed and she had often recalled it whenever the older, painful memories had tried to pull her under. As a result she had spent minutes, hours, days, thinking of Inuyasha's lips on hers and the magic that they had created. She had recalled each detail, reliving the soft pleasure that that novel experience had evoked in her. Of just how much she had enjoyed his skill in uncovering the passion in her. Now, finding herself alone in the same room with him, and knowing that he was a skilled lover, as evident by the girl's disappointment at leaving, she was nervous. Nervous, because she remembered her last time with him so clearly and wondered if he would kiss her at all. She wondered what she would do if he once again laid those soft pink lips on her. Would she melt and enjoy it or would the old fears once again send her running? Would she let him touch her like he clearly wanted to? Would she create a brand new memory with Inuyasha, one she could treasure forever? Would she get as intimate with him as the other girl had been? She didn't want to know…and yet she was dieing to know.

 

There were so many things that were wrong with what she was anticipating. First, there was her history and the pain and fear that went along with it. Secondly, it was the worst kind of taboo to even think of kissing Inuyasha given her relationship with Sesshomaru. And then she was supposed to be Miroku's girlfriend. Kissing her supposed boyfriend's best friend would just boost all those rumours of her being a tart and she did not want that to happen. And, then, there was the knowledge that Inuyasha had no loyalties to the women he bedded. They were just notches on his bedpost. Why else would he be looking at her in such anticipation, minutes after his other conquest had been sent away? She blinked and slowly sat down on one of the chairs, her frantic mind's working making her tired. `Kami! Why can I not be sure of what I want? Do I want him to kiss me or…'

 

As if he had heard her, Inuyasha finally spoke. “What happened, Rin, you don't look too good!”

 

Just as easily, the antagonism was back with his teasing words, and her mood swung viciously. Rin almost glared at him. “I'm fine!”

 

He was still leaning against the door, across the room, from where he had been studying her. A hot light entered his eyes, making them gleam fiercely. “You sure I can't give you something to make it better? Something…anything?”

 

She started slightly, at the heavy suggestion in his voice. It was almost like he had peeked into her head to read her thoughts. Still, she was not going to let him have the upper hand. `Damn hanyou, has he no shame, flirting with his best-friend's girl? Why do I have to be the responsible one? I hate this! I will tread the middle path, will do the right thing. But Kami, does he know how to tempt a girl.' She knew that he was not even really trying, but the effect of his charisma made her want to whimper. Unhappiness made her voice sharp. “Your leaving would be good enough for now!” Not wanting to see his heated eyes and his beautiful smirk, she stomped to the window, looking into the moonlight-lit garden. “When is Miroku expected back?”

 

She heard him moving and stiffened, before forcing herself to relax as he spoke. “Hmm! One never knows how long he'll take. But, she was an eager thing, and so, I think he'd be done with her soon enough.”

 

The smugness in his tone, told her that he was expecting her to react badly to the piece of news. Too bad he didn't know that it mattered not to her, what or who Miroku did. She was not particularly happy about his bed-hopping ways, but neither did it bother her too much, for he had always been courteous with her. They had a sham relationship, and she had convinced him herself that she did not expect him to curtail his activities and his enjoyment for the falsity. So, no, she did not mind knowing that Miroku was with a girl. Feeling a strange elation at dashing Inuyasha's expectations, she turned to him with a bright smile. “Oh, that's nice! I'm so happy that Miro is keeping himself busy and finding pleasure, when I'm not there. I hope he enjoys himself. He really is something isn't he?”

 

It pleased her no end to see his eyes narrow at the cheer in her voice. His own voice was dry as he replied. “Oh, he is something, alright, and so are you.” He moved closer to her, and her grin wobbled, as she realised that he was within arm's length. He took another step and she almost shrank back, the window ledge poking her in the back. “I never could really understand and I wish you would help me out. Why is it that you don't mind his philandering ways, Rin? Is it because then it leaves you free to fuck whoever takes your fancy? Is that it, huh?”

 

The furious words were not something that she had heard for the first time, but hearing it from Inuyasha somehow hurt her deeply. He was not a friend, not at all. But still to know that he too thought of her as a slut, as a whore was not something that she liked. Had he not seen first hand that she was unwilling to let a strange male touch her? Had he not felt her ire at being kissed, landing on his cheek? Then, how could he believe that she was that free with her favours? It was obvious to her that he had believed the rumours and would not believe any explanations. None of them had, and in the end, she had learnt to just shrug and brush it away with a `mind your own business'. She proceeded to dismiss him like she had the others. Only, her own anger had been so roused by his thick-headedness and the pain his baseless accusations had raised, she snarled. “I sleep with who I want, when I want. I do what I want to do! Miro doesn't mind, so why do you, Inuyasha? What the fuck is your problem?”

 

His face contorted in rage, he growled. All his doubts and hope had evaporated in the scathing heat of her words. “Anyone would do, except for the hanyou, is it? Well, let's amend that!”

 

Without warning, he pulled her into his arms, his lips slanted possessively and roughly over hers. She tried to fruitlessly push him off, but it was like trying to push a mountain. This was her worst nightmare and her most treasured fantasy. Inuyasha was kissing her without permission…but Kami, he was KISSING her!

 

This kiss was nothing like what she had experienced or expected. His hungry lips moved relentlessly against hers, wanting, seeking, taking. She could feel his anger underlining the bruising kisses, but also, another deeper emotion that made her feel warm inside. His urgent need, coupled with her own desire, drove her on, exciting her and setting her aflame. Her hands that till now had been straining against his chest, trying to push him away, now clutched his clothes desperately, as if afraid that he would leave. She wanted him to never stop, the way his hands cradled her face, his fangs carefully moving over her lips, his tongue doing the most delightful things in her mouth. She had imagined this moment so many times before but the reality of it was a million times better than her hottest fantasy. It was magical, and she could have stayed like this forever, glued to his face. Delighted, she moved even closer to him, her body flush against his, her arms looping around his neck, as she finally responded to his kisses.

 

As if her move had given him permission, his hands moved from her face, tracing a path down her back. It was a simple touch, but Rin stiffened slightly. The blunt edge of panic threatened to dampen the heat of desire, as his hands swept across her butt, before pulling her more securely against him. She almost broke free from him when she felt just how turned on he was by her kisses, when Inuyasha took her earlobe into his mouth, sucking it and gently pulling it with his fangs. A sound halfway between a sob and a sigh came from her at that action, all thought evaporating from her. Desire blazed high throughout her body and she relaxed against him, her lips eager when his lips reclaimed them.

 

Inuyasha smirked against her lips. He had a hundred…a thousand little tricks and moves to pleasure a woman in his repertoire, and he put them all to use. He had not missed her wariness and her reluctance when he had touched her and so he set out to seduce her. He vowed that he would take her so far into the world of pleasure that she wouldn't even remember her name, much less remembering to keep him at bay. He was delighted at how she seemed to be helping him, being an apt pupil and responding to his skills so admirably. Of course, being the whore that she was, it was obvious that she should be so horny, but he was not taking any chances. This time he meant to have her and finally be done with her.

 

Every time his fingers passed over her body, roaming freely along her back and sides, Rin twitched, the urge to run being overcome by her need and greed to be in his arms and to be kissed by him. His kissed had softened, but become more potent and more addictive, and she felt her body react in strange ways to the handsome hanyou and his talents. She was hyper-aware of him, of the silver hair that tickled her shoulders and arms, of the golden eyes that seemed to blaze whenever he touched her, of his razor-sharp fangs that he used with such deadly precision to tease and torment her, of his strong, capable hands that moved so sensuously over her; his dangerous claws raising goose bumps over her exposed skin. She knew that it was Inuyasha that was making her fantasies real and that was the only reason that she remained in his arms. The need, the hunger, the dreams, the desire…it was all for him & he was fulfilling them for her. Even though she hated him for making her feel like this…she knew at some instinctual level that she could trust him.

 

Inuyasha looked at her flushed face, content with the expression of desire he saw there. He had accustomed her to his touch and she no longer flinched when he ran his hands over her back. Deciding to take it up a notch, he moved his attention and his mouth to her jaw and neck. Softly, slowly, he kissed a blaze down the pale column of her neck using lips, tongue and fangs to create a riot of feeling. He felt her shiver, her hands clutching him more desperately. He stepped away from the window and she moved willingly with him, not realizing that he was maneuvering her towards the couch. For obvious reasons, the bed was out of the question. He did not want Akane's scent to spoil his enjoyment of Rin and doing it on Miroku's bed seemed just nasty, leaving the couch as the only option. So focused was Rin on the pleasure that he was giving her that it did not even register with her that he had managed to get her on the couch. Smirking, Inuyasha began laving and kissing her pulse point on the side of her neck and she arched slowly, holding him closer till he was half sprawled over her.

 

Satisfied with his progress, and yet impatient with it, he began ghosting his hands across her breasts. But, the contact was not enough, and he slipped his hand under the hem of her shirt to touch her skin directly. He moved his hand slowly over her belly and her rib-cage, marveling at the smooth, silky feel of her skin. He did not know whether she truly did not realise his touch or chose to ignore it, or even welcomed it, but emboldened by the lack of reaction on her part, he unclasped her bra with dexterous ease and began kneading her breasts. At the same time, he recaptured her lips, kissing her with wild abandon till he was sure that she was all but mindless with pleasure.

 

It was odd, but though Rin was unaware of anything but Inuyasha, she had never been so aware of the demands of her body till now. She knew that her body ached in a delicious way, a strange yearning in her belly that would not be vanquished easily. Her breasts felt heavy and pressured, but once again, Inuyasha was there to relieve the pain, his hands massaging the hurt away. She should have been afraid, that he was touching her so intimately, but Rin refused to let that happen. She was still a little wary but not enough to let it interfere with what she was feeling. And, so, when he yanked her top up, she let him, stroking his arms and staring at his beautiful face and his smoldering eyes. His each move, and expression was stored away in her mind, these new memories and feelings replacing the old, more hurtful ones.

 

`Kami, but she is beautiful!' Flushed and warm, her gaze soft as it studied him, Rin looked like a goddess. He pressed a hot kiss to her bare belly, and delighted by the small silver stud that was embedded in her navel, tugged it gently before laving the entire area. He then led a trail of kisses up her body to her small but perfect mounds that lay resplendently bare to his ravenous eyes. Hungry for a taste of her, he bent down to press a kiss to her pebbled skin, before suckling her like a child. Entranced, Rin moaned, her hands holding his head pressed against her burning skin. The sound of her pleasure threw Inuyasha off his stride. It was the first sound besides that first gasp that she had made, and the sound was so beautifully sexy that he felt like a god for making her make it. He had heard women scream, shout, cuss, groan and beg when he was working them, but never, ever had he heard such a simple sound of pleasure nor had he ever experienced the savage surge of lust that the sound had roused in him. He reapplied himself to her breasts, kissing, laving and suckling at will. She squirmed and moved restlessly, wordlessly pressing him closer till he almost could not breathe. Driven by need, he carefully trailed his claws down her side, scratching her lightly, and then nipped her breast.

 

Immediately, Rin screamed loudly. The girl who had been quite happy under his ministrations suddenly looked lost, her eyes blank, her mouth wide open in a silent snarl. She struggled against him, pushing him away mindlessly. He stared at her curiously, sure that it could not have hurt her, for he had been careful. Confused at the sudden change in her, he did not move from his position, ignoring her struggles. He tried to hold her down, calling her name to catch her attention, but like a wild woman she fought him. Her eyes were glazed, her breath frozen somewhere deep in her chest.

 

Unable to make him budge despite her heroic struggles, she rolled off the couch, throwing them both to the floor. Not expecting it, Inuyasha gasped as he fell to the ground, the sudden impact of her weight on his body, driving the air out of his lungs in a loud whoosh. He let go of her and she scrambled away, pulling her shirt down frantically and staring at him in horror. Except she wasn't looking at him exactly but rather through him. Puzzled and angry, he started to get up and was shocked when she scrambled away further, breathing heavily, her face paler than that of a ghost.

 

Rin did not understand it. She had been fine, enjoying Inuyasha's mouth on her, when he had nipped her. That had unlocked the barrage of memories that she had so carefully kept away, and once again it was her in the alley being held against her will as Hakkaku bit her breast and drew blood, warning her keep quiet. The same moment of vulnerability, the same edge of helplessness echoed faintly in her current situation. But, she was not that Rin anymore. She had struggled and fought and managed to put distance between her and her attacker. It had felt so real to her, that even when she realised that it was Inuyasha who was in staring at her in puzzlement from the floor, she had still not been able to quell her galloping heart or dispel the tangy taste of fear from her mouth. She tried, Kami knows she tried, to reason with herself that Inuyasha did not mean for it to hurt her and that it had been nowhere as painful or vicious as Hakkaku's warning, but to no avail. Just the thought that she could be setting herself for more pain, that Inuyasha was an unknown quantity, had been enough to make her doubt him. She felt sick to her stomach, wondering at what foolishness had made her want to put herself in that position again, to make her that defenseless and vulnerable.

 

The night sky was split by savage lightening, washing the two pale motionless figures in brightness. Thunder sounded loudly, echoing the roaring anger in Inuyasha. The look of utter horror on her face had snapped all his patience, and left him seeing red. He had been pleasuring the whore, trying to make it a night that she would, despite her many partners, never forget. And, this was how he had been rewarded - by her staring at him in revulsion, like she would at a rabid dog that deserved to be shot. Had his nipping her made her remember just who she was being pleasured by? Had his hanyou-ness been highlighted by that sharp tug? He supposed that he should not have been gentle with her and instead should have taken her without finesse, rough and fast, for that she would have been used to. He almost moved to finish what he had started, sure that she might protest in the beginning but would not resist him when he had her mindless in pleasure again. He would have done it but the look of absolute abhorrence on her face diminished his passions. Frustrated and enraged at being rejected again, he lashed out at the motionless girl. “What the fuck is the meaning of this, Rin? I'm not good enough for a whore like you? You think that you, who could almost be mistaken for a sperm bank, are better than me?”

 

She looked at him in despair, wanting to shout back that it wasn't him but that she was not good enough for him, that she was damaged, soiled, dirty… Despite her fear, in some small corner of her heart, she still wanted him to kiss her. She shook her head, both to negate her thoughts and his words. “It's not like that…”

 

“You fucking, lying bitch! You let others fuck you silly without a murmur of protest, but I kiss you and you get all cold. Think I don't know your dirty secret? I bet you would have spread your legs just fine for a youkai…would have loved to be pounded by them! You're nothing but a hypocrite, a bloody cock-tease!”

 

Rin shook her head, recoiling from the sharp words, a soft `No' wafting past trembling lips. That was not right, she wasn't like that…But her already fragile emotions reacted to the perceived truth in those scathing words. She had let the youkai rape her without making a sound. She had just laid there shedding silent tears, as those bastard wolves had used her body and hurt her. Hadn't she made it easy for them, all but rolling over and letting them take her? And now, so many years later, she was over-reacting, getting all cold and bitchy with Inuyasha. Inuyasha, who had been the only person to make her feel…feel alive. She was not a cock-tease…it was just that while she wanted him, she was also bound by her past scars that refused to let her go. What she was, was a damned fool for thinking that it would be that easy to escape her past.

 

Bound by a hundred, a million fine lines to her past, Rin felt her heart swell in strange and uncomfortable ways! The pain in her was different but more intense than ever. She could see that he didn't understand why she behaved like this and despite her every intention, she couldn't find the words in her to make him see the truth. And the surge of despair that washed over her, made her all but want to sink into the floor.

 

Inuyasha stood slowly and took a step towards her, but despite her every resolve to be steadfast, she shrank back. It wasn't that she was afraid of him, but his anger pulsed around her, almost like a living thing that was smothering her. His eyes narrowed, and misunderstanding her action, growled. “What the fuck are you still waiting here for, get out! Go, before I do something you won't like!”

 

Despite his anger, her confusion and fear had raised his protectiveness, and he wanted to scream at the dichotomy of his thoughts. He wanted to slap her for her teasing ways. And, at the same time, to take her into his arms to soothe her. It was this strange emotion that he had referred to but by her expression, he knew that she had taken it as a threat. She quickly scrambled up and rushed to the door, tears falling from her eyes. The scent of her tears deflated his anger, leaving him confused and unhappy. But by that time she was gone. He stared at the door for several minutes, and then dropped his head into his hands. A stray remnant of the evening's activities hit his nose right at that moment, and he raised his head, his eyes gleaming in the flashes of lightening. Clinically, but with great thoroughness, he raised his claws and began destroying the couch that was drenched in the scent of her arousal.

 

While the physical evidence of her being in his arms and wanting him would be destroyed, he wondered how he would destroy the memories of her. Masochist that he was, he relived each moment that he had spent with her, even as he was surrounded by the debris of destruction and desolation.

 

xxXxxXxxXxx

 

 

Sesshomaru growled softly as Kagome shifted yet again, snuggling even further against him. She was sleeping, her beautiful body spooned against him, his member still embedded deep within her. He was hard again in her and had been for some time, but was loathe to wake her up to find satisfaction. Not that it was easy for him to be patient in this. She kept moving around ever so slightly and changing her position, torturing his already fragile control. And, then again, her smell…their smell, was intoxicating him and he had to keep himself very still to ensure that he did not disturb her. He could have pulled out of her and taken care of the problem himself, but even that option was not attractive to him, since he liked being joined with her in this way.

 

He knew that his coupling with Kagome had been special. It had been nothing like the many other humans he had been with and nothing like what he had hoped. It had been something different, something magical and he knew that he was addicted to it. He had thought that having her once would be enough to get her out of his head, but knew that once would never be enough. He wanted her…needed her and it was both a pleasant thought and a scary one. He did not want to be so closely linked to his sweet principal but could not find it in him to control himself.

 

Kagome shifted again, moving even closer to him, and he hissed sharply, swearing under his breath. There was the smallest hitch in her breathing, an almost inaudible sound from her and his eyes narrowed. She shifted again slightly, and Sesshomaru knew that she was shamming. He moved a little to test his assumption and immediately caught her eyes flickering, her breathing faltering. Growling softly, he whispered into her ear, “Kagome, it isn't very nice of you to tease me like that.”

 

She smiled impishly and opened her eyes, looking at him over her shoulder. “I wondered when you would crack!” She shifted again, her eyes bright with naughtiness, and laughed when he muttered a cuss word. Her voice dipped, her husky tones hitting him hard. “I've been waiting and waiting for you to do something to ease this but you didn't help. I was only trying to spur you into action.”

 

Just like that heat flared in him at her provocative words. “You want action, you'll get it!" He thrust sharply against her and she moaned. His hand swept her hair off her shoulder, as he nipped her soft skin there. Growling, he raised her leg with one hand, and rapidly thrust into her, nuzzling her exposed neck and shoulder, his other hand coming around to rub her breasts. She met his every thrust with eagerness, mewling and moaning at the sensations. Reaching back she rubbed his hip, the only part that she could get at, but he felt her ki brush across his chest and back, teasing him. It felt glorious to him and he immediately let loose his youki on her, caressing her in wide sweeps across her body. As she whispered his name, he sped up, moving faster and harder into her, till the multiple assault on her senses grew too much for her. He kissed her awkwardly as she came, swallowing her screams. Within seconds, he followed her down the road of pleasure, growling against her lips.

 

Kagome was satiated and pleasantly tired, as she turned back to look at her lover. He slipped out of her, finally, and kissed her thoroughly and with great gusto. She smiled at him sleepily when he paused for breath. “Wow, I could get used to this!” The simple words froze both of them, as both wondered about the permanency of the relationship, and whether it was a relationship to begin with.

 

Kagome scanned his closed expression for a few seconds, biting her lip in worry. She had not meant to drop a bomb like this, but the words had slipped out. When he made no response, she pasted a smile. “I meant-”

 

He interrupted her, his voice low. “Do you want this to continue beyond tonight?”

 

In her heart she did want this physical intimacy with him, but then she knew next to nothing about him. Who he was, what he did, where he was from…what his views on humans were, what she would mean to him. From her experience, she knew that he was courteous, caring, compassionate, extremely sexy and amazing in bed. She also knew that he could appear cold and uncaring, and could be short-tempered. But that was not enough to base a relationship on, though it came pretty close. Aware of his piercing gaze as he waited for her answer, she shrugged. “Yes, I would not mind getting into a proper relationship with you, if you too are game for it. But then I would need to know more about you, as much as you need to know more about me.”

 

His perfect lips curved briefly into a ghost of a smile. “If I am game for it?” He looked away, his claws tracing a random pattern across her skin, making her aware just how unclothed she was. She wished that they were having this discussion while clothed, but moving now would make her seem hypocritical.

 

A thousand thoughts flew through Sesshomaru's head. He liked Kagome and wanted her in his bed. He was not averse to having a relationship with her, except that as a taiyoukai it would go against everything that had been drilled into him by Sakura. Additionally, it meant that he would have to tell her about his past, about his mission…about her. Also, being with her would bring him face to face with Inuyasha, something he did not want to do quite so soon.

 

On the flipside, being her significant other gave him more opportunity to protect her as himself and not as Kikyou. It would enable him to satisfy his burning need for her without any complications. He looked at her beautiful face and her soft body, and wondered how he could say no to that.

 

With the smallest smirk, he nodded. “Oh, I am game for it, alright. But you must realise that I am a very private person and cannot talk about myself a lot. I hope you will understand.”

 

So relieved was Kagome at his assent that she ignored his rider. With a squeal, she pulled him by his hair to kiss him with fervour. Sesshomaru enjoyed her unpolished yet exuberant attempts before taking over and showing her how it was done.

 

It was some time later, when Kagome had drifted to sleep, that Sesshomaru thought about his decision. He did not regret it, but hoped it would not cause problems for him. There was the risk that it could all go wrong despite his best intentions, and the great youkai worried about it all. He hoped he could manage the downsides and fulfill his duty, while indulging in a bit of pleasure with Kagome. Huffing, for it made for a delicate balancing act, he made his way to the bathroom to clean up. On the way back, he automatically scanned his surroundings for any threats.

 

To his surprise, his sensitive nose caught the faint scent of tears from the hallway. Intrigued by it, specially since it was past midnight, he moved to the door to get a better sense of the scent. A quick sniff and his face froze in horror, the scent of Rin amidst the tears driving him into a panic. Moving with sudden speed, he quickly threw on his trousers and removed his barrier. Within a flash he had bounded from the room, moving down the hallway towards the stairwell, where a wet, shivering Rin was crying her eyes out. She looked at him, and the strangest expression, halfway between guilt and misery, flashed across her face.

 

Sesshomaru stood in front of her, helplessly trying to determine the reason for her tears. Her scent seemed a little off, as if laced with a scent that was almost familiar. The rain had washed it away but the few traces that lingered in her aura seemed to taunt him for some reason. “Rin? What happened?” This brought on a fresh spate of tears, and he recoiled. He hated when she cried. He moved to engulf her in his arms when she stepped back, shaking her head.

 

Helpless, but feeling the edge of anger peak in him, he growled. “What happened? Did someone trouble you? Are you hurt? Please tell me, Rin!”

 

She wrapped her hands across her chest protectively and he noticed that her clothes were disheveled. His eyes narrowed dangerously. `Is she missing her bra?' Involuntarily, a snarl broke from him, and Rin shrank away from him. He hissed furiously. “Who was it? Tell me now, and he will trouble you no more!”

 

Rin shook her head, a fresh batch of tears stinging his nose. Almost hysterical, she whispered, clutching herself tighter. “Its nothing! I just realised how low I have fallen. I am a horrible, a dirty person…nothing more than a cheap whore!”

 

Sesshomaru snarled loudly, his claws extending as he imagined slashing through the person who had hurt her and had damaged her self-esteem so badly. Another furious whisper issued from his stoic face, the words holding an undertone of worry. “I forbid you to speak like this about yourself! You will calm down, now, and tell me what happened. Now!”

 

xxXxxXxx

 

Miroku scratched his bare chest, yawning loudly, bored out of his mind.

 

Despite the enjoyable evening that he had spent in Kasumi's bed, he could bear to be there no longer. She had made it clear that she was looking for a bit of fun, with no strings attached, and he had agreed. Now that it was done and over with, he felt a little sick. He knew that moving from one female to another was a curse with him, a bad habit that he could not get rid off. Off all the many girls he had bedded, he had actually only cared for one. And she was someone who would always have a special place in his heart and mind. If not for her, he would be dead or worse. All other girls were just something that he did like a hobby or to pass the time. It was like a constant journey to some unknown, unattainable destination. They meant nothing to him at all, just a brief stop before he moved on.

 

There was one absolution for him, the only thing that could rescue him from this mindlessness, but it was also something he knew that he could never hope of getting. It was so hopeless that he didn't even bother thinking of it anymore. It was a sweet torture that he had accustomed himself to, the shadows of his past making it all but impossible for him to be normal again. He hid himself like a wraith within a shadow and no one, not even Inuyasha knew the real him. He wondered what his friends would think when they came to know what he really was and what he had done in the past. Would they understand? Would they forgive him for his past transgressions? For he had blood on his hands, blood of the wicked and the innocent alike, and the thought sickened him. He had been young at the time but that was no excuse for what he had done.

 

He sighed, staring at the glove that never came off, except in the privacy of his bathroom. It was a constant reminder of what he had been, and of what he was. He clenched his hand tightly, and disentangling himself from the sleeping Kasumi, got up from the bed to wear his jeans. He moved to the window, watching as the dark, unforgiving rain pelted down from the heavens. His mood was dark, as dark and dreadful as the pitch black night. Thoughts of his past always made him gloomy but today he was all but furious with himself.

 

He regretted agreeing to Sango's request. Him coaching her? What had he been thinking of? Helping the one person who hated his guts more than any other…the only one who seemed to sense that there was something wrong with him, even if she did not recognize the monster within him. Helping her was not so bad, for he did not hate her for her derision. He deserved all her hate and more! What irked him was, how close this brought his real nature to the fore, and wondered if she would see through him. Would being with her for long periods of time enable her to make the connection between the Monk and Miroku? He hoped not. His disguise had helped him get through a lot, and he hoped it would pass muster in front of Sango's sharp eyes. Not that being a monk was only a disguise; it was part of what he was. Another secret that no one knew!

 

His spiritual powers were always tightly bound by him, and he had never let them free except when he was in his monk's avatar. The youkai around him would react badly if they knew just how powerful he was. Hell! Even Inuyasha would probably keep away from him. Not that he would blame the hanyou. He knew that he had used his powers unwisely.

 

And, then there was Rin! That was another tangled skein that he hoped, for the sake of his sanity that he would be able to untangle. It was both scary and nerve-wrecking for her episode to so closely mirror the painful events of his past. Every time he saw her pain, he was reminded of his earlier life. To him, she was both a font of pain and the chance of absolution. He could not…would not fail her. She was special to him, and for a change, one of the few girls that he did not lust after. She had that strength and inner beauty that he truly respected. She was someone who he was proud to call his friend. For her, there was nothing that he would not do. He would protect her, look after her and always be there by her side, when she needed support. Not like in the past…

 

Blinking into the night, Miroku seemed to feel over-burdened by his various secrets. They weighed him down, till he wanted to fall to his knees and scream. Just how many facades had he built up to protect the others from the truth, was something that often made him bitter. It was just too much to always keep hiding, to always be careful, to always keep acting…to always be false.

 

He put his head in his hands, softly cursing his fate, when he felt a much too powerful aura suddenly appear a few feet away from him. He stiffened, all his spiritual powers going into high-alert mode, as he tried to catalogue the threat posed by the strange youkai. He knew that it was male, extremely powerful, very dangerous, and something that had no right to be here. The fact that it had appeared so suddenly in the hallway both perplexed and scared him.

 

No more than two seconds had passed since he had first felt the aura, and automatically his feet were already beating a path to the door, intent on checking up on this strange youkai. He rushed, wanting to make sure that the youkai would pose no danger to the innocent inhabitants of the dorm. If needed, he would protect them even if he had to fight the stranger and reveal his secret. He was not sure that he could survive a fight with the strong youkai but he could not sit aside and let harm come to any of the girls.

 

His bare feet slapped across the wooden floors as he ran towards the huge aura. It was so powerful! He shivered and ignored the urge to run away from it. Noticing that it had moved, he rushed in its direction. He had barely reached the stairwell, when terror bubbled in him, thick and unyielding. For only a few feet in front of him, stood a bare-chested, silver-haired male youkai snarling at a crying Rin. The youkai spoke angrily to the girl in a low tone, and she began crying harder, clutching herself tighter.

 

Miroku's heart turned a quick somersault at the sight and then he was running towards the pair, muttering the unbinding incantation beneath his breath. His powers flared to life just as he reached the surprised youkai. He leapt at the youkai, knocking him back several feet and then yanked Rin behind him. His hand was stretched out towards the youkai, his un-gloved palm blazing with holy power. “Stay back!”

 

Sesshomaru was already incredibly angry and the unprovoked attack on his person did not improve his mood. But it was seeing Miroku take his Rin away from him in that way, and threatening him - the great Sesshomaru Taisho- with that measly holy power, that enraged him. He was not thinking clearly, but still her safety and fear was of paramount importance to him. And Miroku was preventing him from helping her. Rage consumed him and his stoic face grew colder, his eyes bleeding red immediately as his markings flashed and grew more prominent. A savage growl ripped from him, his claws extending.

 

Miroku gulped as the youkai's youki beat against his ki, the transformation of the already scary youkai making him unsure of his action. He shivered as the youkai growled loudly and stepped towards him. Rin yelled “No!” and tried to slip out from behind him, but he quickly barred her way, pushing her further back. He did not know why Rin would want to move towards the youkai but thought that she was trying to protect him. His voice clipped, he growled, “What the hell do you think you're doing! Don't be stupid, Rin!”

 

Sesshomaru snarled again. Rin was afraid, he could smell it, and the foolish human was trying to prevent her from coming to him. For this offence, he would have to be punished. He raised his claws and tensed, ready to attack the human when Rin shouted, “Stop it!”

 

Miroku saw the youkai pause as a slender, but strong arm wrapped itself tightly around his neck, holding him secure. He tried to pry the arm with one hand, while keeping his ki-soaked hand steady in front of him, but to no avail. Soft breath tickled his ear and then Rin whispered, `I'm sorry!' She kicked him sharply in the back of his knee, causing his leg to buckle beneath him and for him to fall to the ground. As if that was not amazing enough, he watched, slack-mouthed, as Rin ran to the enraged youkai, hugging him tightly.

 

Immediately, Sesshomaru relaxed, his arms wrapping protectively around the girl. He buried his nose in her hair and took a deep breath, his eyes turning golden again. Calm, now that she was with him, he kept her close to him, his inscrutable eyes staring at the human on the floor.

 

Miroku got to his feet, not liking being so unsure about exactly what had happened. There was something strange with the entire situation and he tried to understand it. He stared at Rin, as the youkai whispered something to her, and then gently moving her aside, stepped towards him. At once, Miroku's hands came up in defense, his ki making his hands glow. He thought that the youkai sniffed, but was not sure since there was no change in his expression. The youkai's agitated aura had calmed down and no longer pushed against him savagely, and that was the only thing that gave him some hope that he would live to see another day.

 

Now that the edge of anger was off him, Sesshomaru realised that he had over-reacted. Hoping to make amends, he ignored Miroku's aggressive action. In a wry voice, he drawled. “Put that away, boy! You know that that will hardly give me more than a buzz.”

 

Knowing that the youkai was right, but still loathe to give up the only weapon that he had, he hesitated. His hand almost dropped to his waist in an attempt to find the katana that had once hung there for so long, so long ago. He shook his head slightly, `Those days are past me. No use wishing for something that I left so far back.' Noticing two pairs of eyes staring at him, one in amusement and the other in worried confusion, he slowly dropped his hands.

 

Sesshomaru inclined his head slightly. “Good! And thank you for taking such a stupid stance!” He saw Miroku bristling at the words and continued, “It was stupid, but extremely brave, of you to try to protect Rin from what you perceived as a threat, despite knowing that you were no match for me.”

 

The proverbial lightbulb lit in the stunned human's head. “You…You're her Protector!” At the youkai's nod, he groaned. It occurred to him that he had had a very narrow escape. He knew that the youkai would have been well-within his right to kill anyone who tried to come between him and his pet. Feeling stupid at making such a mistake, he quickly bound his powers, and bowed low. “I apologise most humbly for my actions. I thought that she was in trouble and my wrong impression caused me to behave unseemingly!”

 

Nervously he wondered whether the youkai knew that he was posing as her boyfriend, and if he didn't, what his reaction would be when he did get to know. The sheer power and strength of the youkai was daunting. Miroku had seen some extremely strong youkai in his short life, but this one made the others seem almost tame. He hoped that he never found himself opposite the youkai, but if the youkai took offense to his pretense then that might become his fate.

 

To his relief, a small smirk appeared on the youkai's face. “You seem nervous! I wonder why?”

 

Rin rolled her eyes, and lightly hit the youkai's side. “Oh, give up, Sessy! You don't have to scare him, do you?”

 

Miroku had stiffened at her action and words, sure from his vast experience that the youkai would take offense to her action, but was immensely surprised to see the youkai, this Sessy, merely stare at her, before smiling fondly.

 

Sesshomaru nodded, but the smile on his face diminished when he looked back at Miroku. “Your apology is accepted. In fact, it is the least that I could expect from you, being that you pretend to be her `boyfriend'. Thank you for looking after her and protecting her in my stead.”

 

Rin snorted, but had a pleased smile on her face.

 

A feather could have knocked Miroku at the moment. There was something extremely strange about the whole situation and it baffled him. He was glad that Sessy was being understanding about the whole deal but wondered exactly why he was so calm about it. He knew that youkai were extremely jealous in nature and could get extremely possessive about the ones who shared their beds, especially if they were pets. So, for this Sessy to THANK him for being close to Rin, made no sense to him.

 

Trying to keep his face blank of the confusion, he nodded. “It is my pleasure!” Immediately he realised that he had said the wrong thing, when he noticed Sessy's face turn ice-cold. “I meant that she is a good friend, so of course, I would like to help her and keep her safe.”

 

Sesshomaru inclined his head slightly, his eyes sharp. “As long as you understand your position and role in her life, and do not overstep your boundaries.”

 

Miroku knew a threat when he heard it. Still a smile broke across his face. “Don't worry, Sessy-sama! I know my boundaries well.”

 

Sesshomaru frowned, but Rin elbowed him, and his face smoothed. “Yes, good!”

 

Miroku almost turned away, when a thought stopped him. “If I could ask, why was Rin crying?”

 

Immediately a spasm of pain passed over Rin's face, and Sesshomaru growled. Miroku took a step back in alarm but saw that the growl was directed at the extremely still, pale girl. It was a measure of his exasperation that the youkai complained to Miroku. “She won't tell me. I tried to get her to tell me…but for some reason, she is tight-lipped.”

 

Shame flooded through Rin, at the identical worried looks sported by the two males she cared most about. She could not tell either of them just what she had done and the guilt made her almost physically sick. For a few minutes, the escalating tension had driven the thoughts out of her head, but now they swamped her again. Not wanting to break down in front of them, she raised her head. “It was nothing! Really!” The two males shared a glance above her head but before either could say anything, she yawned loudly. “Wow, I am tired. Its so late! I think I'm ready for bed.” Her voice wobbled on the last word, for wasn't that what had started the problem, that she was ready to hop into Inuyasha's bed?

 

Calling a breezy `goodnight', she moved down the hallway to her room. The two males followed her in silence, and watched as she shut the door in their faces, without a backward glance.

 

Miroku raised an eyebrow at the silent youkai. “She's lying, isn't she?”

 

Sesshomaru nodded absently, still trying to figure the trace scent that had clung to her.

 

“What happened?”

 

The youkai cocked one sharp eyebrow at the demand, but then relented. “I think someone…uh…accosted her on her way. She was babbling something…” His voice trailed off as he remembered exactly what she had said. He frowned, but then smoothed his expression. “If I could have gotten more of the scent and been able to identify it, one baka male would have realised just how dangerous it is to mess with me and mine...”

 

Miroku sighed. He knew that he was getting an edited version of things but could not protest. He could not even proceed with this line of questioning lest the youkai came to know that he had guessed about Rin's past. He was sure that the rage that was skimming just below that too-perfect mask would be directed at him, if Sessy came to know that little tidbit.

 

Shaking his head, he muttered. “I wouldn't have minded that in the least.” He moved towards a room that was slightly further up, and then paused. “I…uh…I wish to talk to you on our way out. If you could please just wait a moment.”

 

Though Sesshomaru had to go only a few feet away, to reach his room, he stayed in the hallway. He did not want the human to see him around Kagome's room, for that would open another can of worms. He shook his head, and tapped his foot waiting for the man to emerge from the room.

 

Surprisingly, Miroku was back within seconds, a black vest covering his chest. He gathered his hair into a dragon-tail, and securing it, gestured for the youkai to move with him. The two walked in silence till they reached the porch.

 

They watched the rain pelting down for a few seconds, and then gathering his courage, Miroku spoke up. “Um…Thank you! You didn't disclose to Rin that I am a monk, and I am grateful for that. I…I humbly request you, please do no tell anyone about this!”

 

Sesshomaru nodded. Before tonight, he had never gotten a smidgen of holy power from Miroku, and knew that indicated that the human was hiding himself. Why that was, was not Sesshomaru's concern. He himself was hiding himself from others and so could appreciate the man's need for secrecy. “It does not matter to me why you hide yourself, but yes, I will keep your secret. I similarly hope that you will not tell anyone about me. It might be better if people believe that Rin is with you.”

 

The hollow disbelief from earlier came flooding back through Miroku. Whatever the youkai was saying went directly against everything the young monk had believed to be true about youkai. `Either I have been wrong all this while, or there is something seriously wrong here! It just doesn't add up!'

 

Managing to compose his face and voice, he mumbled. “People know that Rin is with me! I made sure that some key, loose-lipped people knew about our supposed relationship, and then it was just a matter of time till the entire campus knew about us. Don't worry, I will look out for her!”

 

A touch of heat entered the youkai's voice. “And this is how you look out for her? A rather strange way, then, I would say!”

 

Miroku gaped. “Wh...what do you mean?”

 

Even in the dark, Miroku could see the youkai's flashing eyes. “Is this how you honour her, your supposed girlfriend - by spending your nights and days in various beds across campus? Did you even stop to think how that would reflect on her? People would either think that there is something lacking in her, for not holding your interest or think her a fool for still staying by her side.”

 

A pang ripped through the human and he gripped the banister with both hands, his unseeing eyes staring at the past. “No…I…I did not….”

 

The earlier rage that Sesshomaru had carefully banked away, was fanned into towering flames. He snarled viciously, interrupting the suddenly pale boy. “Of course, you didn't! Did you know that the girls you sleep with, flaunt it in her face…and that they laugh at her, calling her ugly names? Even though the both of you know it is a lie, for the world it is a reality and that world is extremely cruel to her for your mistakes and philandering. She suffers their hate and anger! And, the sad thing is, that you don't even realise it.”

 

Miroku squeezed his eyes shut. He knew firsthand just how cruel the world could be and just how hurtful it was to be at the receiving end of that cruelty. To realise that Rin was being hurt, because of him, was too much for him to bear. He had promised himself that he would look after her, and shelter her from all harm, not realizing that he himself was the biggest cause for her unhappiness.

 

His hands tore through his hair, as he yanked on the strands in an attempt to elicit a pain that could overcome the pain in his gut. His entire being was numb and he needed that sudden shock to drive himself out of the stupor. Calling upon his old training, he got his emotions in control and then gave a low bow to the motionless youkai. His quiet voice and calm expression betrayed no trace of the turmoil that threatened to tear him apart. “I owe you thanks, Sessy-sama! You have opened my eyes to something that I was blind to, and for that I will always remain grateful. Despite what you think, I do care about her happiness. It seems I have a lot to reflect on.”

 

Sesshomaru cocked his head, the quiet determination and the underlying honesty in the human's voice draining him of his anger. He nodded and turned away, but Miroku's hand on his shoulder stopped him. He growled and turned around, and the human quickly dropped his hand.

 

An extremely serious expression on his face, Miroku asked the question that was burning in his mind. “Before you leave…How did you suddenly arrive in the middle of the hallway?”

 

Sesshomaru frowned. This was skirting too close to the Kagome issue that he wanted to avoid. “What do you mean?”

 

The human's eyes were sharp. “One moment there was nothing, and then suddenly, there you were. The only answer that makes sense is that you were in one of the rooms and then appeared from there.” Sesshomaru remained silent, wondering how to respond to that. Miroku continued soberly, “You say that I am hurting her with my actions, but what about you? Isn't this a case of the pot calling the kettle black? Atleast with me, she is only pretending, but you….I will not have her hurt because you are cheating on her.”

 

Sesshomaru growled in annoyance. “You have no idea of what you are saying, boy! I care for her more than you could perhaps in a dozen lifetimes. So, do yourself a favour and do not poke your nose where it is not required!” He swiftly turned on his heel and walked away into the unforgiving night.

 

Miroku sighed. It was a risk he had taken by speaking to the youkai like that, but he was right, there was something very strange about this Sessy. There was a lot that he had learnt tonight, but whatever he had learnt, had only whetted his appetite for more knowledge and clarity. Plus there was that whole situation with Rin. He knew what he had to do, but even that was a big step for him to take. A step, that would risk bringing to the fore another aspect of the hidden, `real' Miroku.

 

So much to think, to understand, to…to battle. To remember….to desire….

 

He stared into the night; dark, merciless and cold, like his past self. A small sigh wafted past his lips, and then shaking himself, he ran out into the rain, never noticing a pair of curious, sad eyes watch him from one of the upper floor dorm windows.

 

 

TBC…

 

 

A/N: Thanks to all the wonderful people who have been mailing me for this story. And, here's a shout-out to the very special Angel…thanks for your support.

 

There was a problem on my network that was not allowing one of the sites to open, and I refused to post this chapter on one site and not on the other. Now, thankfully, the problem has been rectified! I expect that the next chapter will be posted by the mid July.

 

So, keep on reading and reviewing, the story is just getting interesting!