InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ His Past, Her Present, Their Future ❯ Without ( Chapter 10 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Disclaimer: Neh, no own InuYasha or any related characters or plot devices. But, I am happy to own this storyline, and this version of our favorite sexilicious Taiyoukai. ^__^ Because, I am a manipulator and have made him my own through subterfuge! ^____^ I also do not own the song I have decided fits part of this chapter. (see ending A/N)

I was asked for a little bit of explanation on Kags/Inu, so I’m going to do that in this chapter. I feel its necessary to really understand how she can fall for Sesshou, to understand how she got to this point. So, this will be a lot of Kag’s thoughts and kind of second-handedly understanding a little more about her relationships with the Inu-Tachi over the last few years in Katie’s version of their world.


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His Past, Her Present, Their Future
Chapter 10 - Without

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Kagome ran faster than she could ever remember doing so, mindless of the rain that was steadily soaking through her sweater and slacks. When thunder boomed through the sky, the momentary distraction was all it took for her usual lack of grace to catch up with her, a tree root upending her brutally into a small brook. The miko rose up onto her forearms in the pouring rain, the water she laid in little deeper than a puddle, sobs wracking her frame.

For months now she had pushed back the compounding knowledge that not only was she about to be torn out of her life here, but torn out of the relationships she had formed. It was the depth of said relationships that scared her most. She had been thus far unwilling to analyze how bad this separation was going to be, but she realized now she had to. There, belly down in the rain and numb to the cold, she finally came to terms with the need to realize what she would lose.

Her little Shippou, her darling son, who looked at her as if she could rearrange the stars in the sky if he asked her to. In the last several years she had been by his side more days than not, caring for him and comforting him when he needed it. How many nights had he slept in her sleeping bag with her on shard hunts? How many times had she had to defend him from InuYasha? How many times had she been at the grocery store in her own time contemplating what special thing she should bring him?

Her thoughts turned to Miroku and Sango. Until her adventures in the Sengoku Jidai, she really had had no idea what real friendship was. Sure, she had ‘friends’ in the modern era, but they were just petty relationships revolving around gossip and competition. It was Sango and Miroku, those two who had risked their lives for her on countless occasions, whom she had laughed and cried with, who had shown her the truth. Friendship was not the same as a passing companionship, true friendship was a bond. It was a willingness to put the needs of another over your own, to treasure their happiness far more than your own. Though Kagome was naturally this way, she had no qualms being sneaky with her modern friends or simply turning down their offers to ‘go out’ with then when she was home.

Her relationships with Miroku and Sango had been tumultuous, with so many highs and lows. She remembered their troubled first meetings, and the bonds that erupted so quickly. She remembered watching Miroku late at night, massaging his Kazaana through the cloth, as if willing it to disappear. She remembered the several weeks Sango had slept with her after Kohaku’s death. She remembered late night talks with her sister in the hot springs about their ‘boys’ and long moonlight walks with Miroku as the discussed anything on their minds.

Even Kaede-baa-chan. She had become the grandmother Kagome had never known, and her level of understanding with the strange girl from the future went far beyond that of sensei-student. She had been there to assure Kagome that she was right in her decisions concerning InuYasha, and to stroke away the tears in the weeks following InuYasha’s damning decision to go with Kikyo to hell. In the first months of her arrival in the Sengoku Jidai, only Kaede had been able to soothe the doubts about her worthlessness in comparison to her former incarnation.

For some reason her thoughts turned to Kouga-kun. She almost laughed allowed at that thought. How annoying that boy could be! But despite his aggravating possessiveness and general uncouth behavior, his heart was true and he was a loyal and sweet friend. A few times he had come across her as she was broken down over something InuYasha had done, and had shown wisdom beyond what she thought he possessed as he comforted her. He was a true diamond in the rough, and sometimes she wondered why she could never see him in the light he wanted her too.

Unwillingly, her mind began turning to her newly acquired pack. Thoughts of little Rin came first. She was such a darling child. Her purity was unheard of in the era she resided, her ability to see beyond a person’s exterior and into their hearts made Kagome sigh out loud. She was the most amazing soul that she had ever encountered in her own world or this one. She made all life forms, mononoke, youkai, and ningen alike draw towards her with a single smile. She had melted the hearts of so many, even the toad.

Jaken. Not much to say about him. He was smelly, dirty, and obnoxious, but Kagome decided she would miss him all the same. Despite his harsh words, Kagome had seen the secret smiles he had shown towards his lord’s ward, and his fierce protectiveness of her that went beyond his command. Annoying little imp, yes, but she would miss his indignant squawks as the children chased him down nonetheless.

Her thoughts ground to a halt when she thought of Sesshoumaru. The last year had been full of revelation and understanding towards the outwardly icy lord, and the new levels she had found had somehow only added to his intrigue and mystery. The intelligence he possessed was only rivaled by her own in the current era, where even knowing how to read was a feat. His boundless curiosity had led him to pursue philosophy and mathematics in a way that was unheard of on the planet in this age. Though he obviously had been through much more in his long life than Kagome would ever know, that knowledge alone was enough for her to form an understanding with the Taiyoukai.

On first pass, a person would see a cold-hearted beast, an animal. Kagome admitted she herself had thought the same as she watched him in battle, he seemed little more than an angry, albeit graceful and beautiful, monster. She remembered contemplating him in her early days traveling in the past, thinking of the diversity of his beautiful, god-like exterior and the emotionless void of his soul. She had been a fool to judge on outward appearance. In her forced captivity, she had learned more than she had ever desired to know, and a respect and attachment had grown from there. Only in the recent few days had she come to realize how deep her affections had lain.

Of course she was not in love with him. She denied to herself even the possibility that she was falling for him, though her heart laughed at her obviously lackluster refutation. He was arrogant, snide, calculating, protective, intelligent, caring… she slapped herself mentally. No! This was what got herself into this mess! She could not fall for him!

She stifled a new string of sobs as she heaved herself to her feet on a severely twisted ankle that she had only just begun to feel the pain of. Dragging herself to a nearby tree, she reclined against it, the rain hardly alleviated by its boughs. Her soaked hair was plastered to her face, and her clothes were dripping in a newly formed puddle around her. All of this escaped her notice as she stared out at the clouded sky.

‘InuYasha, you said if I needed you, you would be here! Well I sure as hell need you now!’ she sobbed silently, closing her nearly blackened sad eyes. She scoffed at the thought that she would ask her former love and enemy of her current interest for advice. Had it been any other moment, she might have giggled at the thought. It was hard for her to remember the bad times with InuYasha, or to even remember there had been bad times. It seemed like lifetimes ago.

The transition from the two of them being in love with one another to best friends had not been smooth. It was two and a half years ago that she had nearly gone home over it all. She remembered that night too clearly for her own heart. It was funny that now, years later, she hardly even thought of how bad it had been. Once they had called their truce that night almost exactly a year prior, she had just thrown the past heartache away. But now, that night in the rain, she dredged it up humorlessly.

--

The sixteen year old Kagome ran for the bone eater’s well at her considerably slow speed, not caring that she left her bag behind. She just couldn’t take it anymore! The insults, the degradation, the constant heartache…it was too much. Her seventeenth birthday was right around the corner, and that would make it a full two years she had spent in the past. She had sacrificed her chances of getting into a good college for this hunt, for him. But did he care?

Two years of pining after him, two years of watching him change between protective and loving to distant and cruel when there was the slightest chance of something changing between them. The agony was too much for her already fragile emotions. So she ran, disregarding the braches that lashed her skin and tugged at her hair, ignoring the burning in her eyes as her tears fell unnoticed and unchecked.

When she reached the clearing that held the well, the setting sun cast an almost otherworldly glow over the stationary hanyou that was perched on the ancient wood. He stayed silent as she ground to a halt, her tousled hair with the twigs and leaves poking out of it ruffling in the breeze. When he stood and stepped towards her, she hadn’t moved, just watched him approach and gather her into his arms.

“Please, Kagome, don’t leave,” he’d whispered into her neck, sending chills over her body.

The miko pushed back from him slightly, looking into his expressive golden eyes, “Why shouldn’t I? You don’t need me, you made that much clear! If Kikyou is so much better than me, why not get her to hunt the shards? Why do you insist on throwing me into this, keeping me here? Do you like to see me suffer?”

He cringed visibly at this, “No, I don’t. I don’t know why I say the things I do to you! I just…ahh damnit!” he stopped, turning from her and his ears drooping against his head, “I just…don’t think. I guess that when I can’t say what I want to, I just…say whatever else I can think of,” he turned back to her, pleading with his eyes, “Don’t go. I need you. Not as a shard detector, I need you for me.”

The tears falling down her cheeks steadily fell harder now as she looked at him, “How can I stay?” all her inhibitions of the previous years fell away as she looked at him, “I love you, InuYasha. I always have. But I can’t stay here knowing you can’t love me the way I love you.”

His poorly concealed shock made her bite out a grim laugh, “You can’t say you didn’t know? Please! Even you are not so thick.”

His ears flattened at the insult, “No, I didn’t know.”

“Then now do you see why I can’t stay? Every word you say to me is like a stab, and after two years of being tormented by you, I can’t do it anymore. My heart can’t take it.”

She stepped around his slumping form, walking the last few steps to the well and was about to step up when he grabbed her wrist and yanked her hard back to him, “No! You can’t leave after you tell me that, wench! What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”

She shook her head in disbelief as she looked at the red-clad man in front of her, the purples and pinks of the sunset reflecting off his dark silver locks, “Why not?”

“Because…” he began harshly and paused, looking at the ground as he stood there, his grip on her wrist loosening enough for her hand to slide into his, “Because you don’t understand! Do you have any idea how hard all of this is for me? After my mother died, I spent my entire life alone, and I didn’t give a damn about anyone. Until Kikyou.”

Kagome’s gaze fell at the mention of her predecessor, but she didn’t move away as she listened, “She acted like she cared about me. She gave me hope for the first time in my life. No, we didn’t trust each other, and you’re right that she probably didn’t love me, but I did love her. I didn’t care that she wanted me to change for her, that she only wanted me to get out of her duty…I gave my heart to her. And I failed in my promise to protect her, in my vow to keep her from harm.”

“But you couldn’t have done anything!”

“Maybe, maybe not. Keh! Damnit woman, shut up, that’s not the point. Other than my mother, did you know I have never trusted anyone in my life? Well, until you anyway.”

Her face pinked at the admission, and her eyes stayed trained on their joined hands. She wondered on his unusual portrayal of emotion, and it was only slightly unnerving when she watched his hair fade to black as the sun sunk below the horizon. No wonder he was so unusually open.

InuYasha looked up at the sky and sighed, his irritation at his human form obvious, “You showed me what real trust was, what real friendship was. As a hanyou, I am damned to a life of hatred, but because of you I have an entire group of people who I would kill for. But there’s only two people in all the world I would die for. The only two people I’ve ever loved.”

Her head shot up to meet his violet gaze, which showed her every thought he had and she shook her head but he cut her off before she could speak, “I can’t give you what you want. I can never go against Kikyou, so long as she walks this earth. No, she isn’t exactly the same woman I loved, but she is still Kikyou. Because of that, I can’t give you what you want me to - what I want to give you. But please, don’t leave me.”

She met his earnest stare and crumpled to her knees, sobbing in the pain and joy of revelation. He reached his arms around her shoulders and held her until she fell asleep in his arms, and he just watched the horizon until the sun rose once more hours later. He never slept on the nights of the new moon.

--

The Kagome who sat in the pouring rain laughed in disdain, remembering that day. Kami, she had given up everything for him. That day though, that day had made it more bearable. The insults, the brash countenance; just knowing he loved her was enough. She still spent many nights crying, sobbing into Sango’s kimono or walking with Miroku to vent her frustration, but she never again entertained thoughts of running away.

From then, she had started forcing her hope to fade. A foolish part of her mind hoped that Kikyou would just go in peace and fade away, but of course the vengeful bitch had stayed completely resolved in her need to take InuYasha. The only consolation was that they would get their revenge on Naraku first, before she took him away from the world of man. Kagome also thought with a rueful grin on the night one year prior when he had told her goodbye. No, he wasn’t going yet, but they had mutually released even the foolish little inklings of hope they had of being together. It was a day burned in her memory.

--

“Took you long enough, wench,” InuYasha scoffed from his perch, glaring down at the woman who he had only just that week gotten back from his brother.

“I missed you too, InuYasha,” she said with a teasing smile. He bristled; it was really aggravating that she knew him so well.

“Keh!” he settled for, watching her settle on the grass and look out at the stars.

“InuYasha? I need to talk to you.”

He jumped down from his branch and eyed her warily, “What?”

She scowled, “Nothing…bad. Will you come sit by me?”

“Do I gotta?”

Her scowl was bridging on murderous and he unconsciously took a step back, his ears flattening, “Oi! Hey! Stop that! Fine, I’ll sit!”

“Wow, I’ve never seen InuYasha so submissive,” a little voice chirped from behind them.

Kagome spun around to see Shippou, balanced on Miroku’s shoulder and watching them with an amused grin, “Hai, Shippou, but then again, Kagome has always seemed to be the dominant one in the relationship…”

Kagome turned a furious shade of red and InuYasha made a show of shoving up his wide sleeves, “Temee…”

“Osuwari!”

InuYash a sputtered, the spell having worn off rather more quickly than usual. He stood and glared at their audience as Kagome spoke up, “Guys? Can you leave us alone? I need to talk to InuYasha.”

Miroku flashed a lecherous grin and nodded, “Of course, Kagome-sama. Anything for you.”

Her blush reappeared and she threw a rock at him, making the houshi laugh as he ran off back to camp. She sighed heavily and looked at the relaxing InuYasha with a small smile, “So, anyway, sit with me. This is rather important.”

InuYasha’s wary look returned as he sat beside her, trying to make her meet his gaze, “Kagome? You haven’t acted like this in a while, what is it?”

The raven haired girl sighed and smiled at him sadly, “You know, I’ve been thinking a lot since the time I spent with Sesshou.”

InuYasha growled, “’Sesshou’,“ he mocked, “I don’t wanna hear about that ninny!”

“It’s not about him, baka!”

“Then why are you talking about him?”

“ARG! I wasn’t, if you would just shut up for a minute!”

“Keh!”

“As I was saying, since then, I’ve been thinking a lot. And I just…I realized that no matter how much it hurts, I have to let you go. I’ve been slowly doing it for years, but I have to cut off everything now.”

“Nani?! “ the hanyou interrupted, “You’re gonna leave me?!”

“No, InuYasha. Please, let me finish,” she sighed and laid back in the grass, “You know how I feel about you. I know how you wish you could feel about me. And we both know its hopeless. And it only makes it worse for me to let myself hope for the impossible. So, I have to tell you flat out: I can no longer love you as I have. I will always love you as my best friend, the closest person I’ve ever had in my life, but I have to stop dreaming my silly dreams. Shooting stars can only grant so much.”

InuYasha, who had stayed uncharacteristically silent through her speech, met her eyes now. He smiled with infinite sadness, “Hai. I have to do the same. While you were…gone…” he refused to acknowledge where she had been, “I finally told Kikyou I would go with her. When Naraku has been defeated, I’m going to go to hell with her, so she can finally rest.”

Tears filled Kagome’s blue eyes and she smiled tumultuously, “I wish you wouldn’t. Even if I can never have you, I wish you would live.”

“There would be no real life for me if I didn’t give her this peace, Kagome.”

“I know. It just hurts to know I’ll someday lose you.”

InuYasha leaned down over her prone form, and kissed her without hesitation. Their lips met softly, and with minimal coaxing she opened her mouth to his and they exchanged a breath-stealingly long kiss, their tongues meeting in a long and unabashed farewell to a love that was never meant to be. It was the first and only kiss they had ever shared, and would be the last. When he released his claim on her mouth he leaned his forehead to hers, “I’ll always be here for you, Kagome, even death can‘t take me away. I…I love you.”

“I love you too, InuYasha. Forever and a day, ‘til the stars fade away.”

She sobbed and he gathered her into his arms, and they fell asleep together that way, only waking when the first rays of morning touched their dew covered forms. The end of what once was. The finale to their Feudal Fairytale. The start of a new day. The beginning of a new life.


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A/N: I made myself cry with that one. I’m such a loser. >_< It wrote itself, so when I reread it I bawled. OMG. Yes, InuYasha is OOC, but I think after a couple of years in Kagome’s company he would open up to her. He is such a sweetheart under his gruff exterior, we all know it, its just very rare for that part of him to show itself. But less rare for it to show to Kagome, I think, when they’re alone. Remember, this is MY take on the characters, their motivations, and so on.

*sigh* Well, I’m going to bed since its 3am, and if I don’t have internet still in the morning I will write more. Ja ne, minna, next chapter will take us onto Sesshou ground again. I’ve had comments about the lack of time in his head, and sorry, there’s a reason for it. You aren’t meant to know what he’s thinking, so much. You will understand later, but for now, he’s supposed to be a bit of an enigma. The last 2 chapters was as close to knowing Sesshou’s heart as you’ll get for now. ^___^

Oh, the song. This make me think of Inu and Kags. So yeah. Just a side note to it all. I have strange music tastes - though I mainly listen to heavy metal, game music, and classical, I also have a little bit of country in me…I was raised on it, after all. This song is “Without You” by the Dixie Chicks, and it is the song that makes me think of my take on the Inu/Kags relationship.

I've sure enjoyed the rain
But I'm looking forward to the sun
You have to feel the pain
When you lose the love you gave someone
I thought that now that time would take away these lonely tears
Hope you're doing fine all alone but where do I go from here?

Without you I'm not okay
Without you I've lost my way
My heart's stuck in second place
Without you

Well I never thought I'd be
Lying here without you by my side
It seems unreal to me
That the life you promised was a lie
You made it look so easy making love into memories
Guess you got what you wanted, but what about me?

Without you I'm not okay
Without you I've lost my way
My heart's stuck in second place
Without you

Somebody tell my head to try and tell my heart
That I'm better off without you
Cuz baby I can't live

Without you I'm not okay
Without you I've lost my way
My heart's stuck in second place
Without you
Without you