InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ I Never ❯ Fluffy Things and Sailor Songs? ( Chapter 2 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the IY gang. But a girl can dream can't she? I also don't own Popeye the Sailor Man. He's kinda scary if you ask me…

----

"Hello, I'm-"

"I don't care about you enough to give you a name." I interrupted. "Therefore you shall remain 'Host' for the entire duration of your life."

"Gee, thanks…" host mumbled. "Anyway, we're back with the second installment of I Never! Last time, if you'll recall, our contestants were Kagome, Inu-Yasha, Sango and Miroku. Well today, as threatened, our original contestants are back along with Fluffy and Kouga."

Several interesting things were said from the table.

"I, Sesshomaru," the kidnapped demon lord growled, "demand to be told where the hell I am. This Sesshomaru also demands to never be called 'Fluffy' or 'Sesshy' again."

"You're on I Never! Fluffy!" my loyal audience shouted. They love me so much… It could bring a tear to a glass eye!

Sesshomaru failed to see the touching moment and growled. This caused several of his groupies to faint. I, honestly, had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing. 'Twas the life of a groupie!

"As long as I can be with my Kagome," Kouga stated, "I don't care where I am."

"If you lay a hand on her I'll kill you!" I'll give you three guesses on who said that. And the first two don't count. …I'll give you a hint: it was Inu-Yasha.

"I dare you dog-turd!"

Both of the canines were about to spring to the other's challenge.

"Please! No fighting!" the host shouted.

"Shut up!" Kouga and Inu-Yasha snarled.

"As long as I'm the authoress here, there will be no bloodshed!" I growled, winking to Kagome.

"Inu-Yasha, sit!" Kagome shouted, sending Inu-Yasha obediently plunging to the ground.

"So you do love me more, Kagome!" Kouga said jovially.

"No," Kagome sighed, "you just don't have a magical control rosary on…"

"That cut me deep, Kagome. Real deep."

"Poor baby…" I snorted as I rolled my eyes.

"Where's Sango and Miroku?" the host suddenly asked.

"WHAT?!?!?!"

"I found them." Inu-Yasha said as he came from the ground, slightly green in the face.

"I, Sesshomaru, am disgusted by these mortals." …Give you a penny if you figure out who said that.

"But she's not even drunk yet!" I protested. "Besides, the rating for this is PG-13!!!"

"You guys are disgusting." Sango muttered as she came from under the table. "I was fixing Miroku's sandal."

"Under the table?" the host asked suspiciously.

"Kagome," Kouga said slyly, "I have a broken sandal too."

"You don't even wear shoes!" Kagome protested.

"Inu-Yasha, I give you permission to hurt him. That was just disgusting." I said dryly.

"DIE KOUGA!!!" Inu-Yasha bellowed as the two began to fight.

"Let's just play, shall we?" host suggested.

"What about them?" Sango asked, pointed to the feuding canines. Then she crushed the hand that somehow made its way onto her leg.

"You guys play," I said cheerfully. "I'll make sure they don't kill each other."

With that, I bounded off to go watch the fight-both the contestants are hotties-and maybe play ref if needed.

"Okay! Since our other demons are off fighting, Fluffy gets the honor to be first today." the host announced.

"THIS SESSHOMARU DEMANDS NEVER TO BE CALLED FLUFFY!!" Sesshomaru said loudly-he doesn't scream; he's too good for screaming!

"Well you're kinda asking for it. Wearing that 'fluffy' thing and all." Miroku commented as he popped up from under the table. He was rubbing a suspicious bruise on his hand-most definitely the one Sango inflicted.

"Yah, what is that anyway?" Kagome asked.

"Yah, what is it?!" the audience echoed.

Sesshomaru glared at the crowd. This sent 'danger bells' off in my host's head, as Sesshomaru NEVER glares with emotion.

"Can we just play the game…please?"

"I, Sesshomaru," Sesshomaru said regally-though it could be debated if the next line could be called 'regal'-"have never wondered what the white fluffy thing over my shoulder is."

"Then why'd you just call it 'the white fluffy thing over my shoulder'?" Sango questioned.

"To keep you, foolish mortal, guessing! Now drink up. Try to amuse me."

Sango, Miroku, and Kagome drank their glasses; Sango doing so while not looking too happy that her question went unanswered. Suddenly, awfully off pitch sailor music filled the air.

"I, Sesshomaru, demand to know where that awful sailor music is coming from."

Everybody looked over to where Kouga and Inu-Yasha were fighting. The seen that greeted their eyes was Inu-Yasha, Kouga, and myself leaning heavily on each other with beer bottles in out grasp. How do I know this if I was intoxicated at the time? …I watched the playback, you fools!

"I'm [hic!] Popeye the sailor man! [hic!]" Inu-Yasha belted out.

"I [hic!] live in a garbage can! [hic]" Kouga added.

"I love [hic!] to go swimmin' [hic!]" I sang melodiously in a tone that could be compared to…a dying camel.

"With bald-headed women! [hic!]" we all sang drunkenly.

"I'm Popeye [hic!] the sailor man! [hic!]" Inu-Yasha sang, holding the last note until his drunken hiccup interrupted it. Good thing too, because the studio windows were about to break…

The audience was wide eyed and some were twitching.

"God, they're wasted." Miroku observed.

"That's disgusting…" Sango said with irritation evident in her voice.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Kagome protested. "Netiri's too young to drink!"

"It's like a train wreck: I don't wanna watch, but I gotta." the host mumbled.

"The will of some is easily bent." Sesshomaru said, obviously disgusted by out drunken antics.

"His words are so full of wisdom…" his groupies sighed. Several of them proceeded to faint and were dragged out of the studio by security.

I then saw myself on the jumbo-tron. "Wow! I think I'm on TV!"

"It could [hic!] just be the alcohol. [hic!]" Kouga told me.

"Yah, [hic!] it does crazy things [hic!] to ya! [hic]" Inu-Yasha agreed.

"[hic!] Like [hic!] make me want to [hic!] admit that I [hic] like Inu-Yasha [hic!] more than Kagome. [hic!]" Kouga confessed.

The audience needed help scraping their jaws from the floor and keeping their eyes in their sockets. Inu-Yasha grabbed me and scooted FAR away from Kouga.

"That's the beer talking…right?" the host asked hopefully.

"Please keep things like that to yourself, Kouga." Kagome begged.

"I hope I don't say things like that when I'm drunk." Miroku gulped.

"No, Miroku, you don't." Sango growled. Miroku let out a sigh of relief.

"Inu-Yasha, let go of me! You're hurting me!" I whined, beating away at his hands. Seriously, he was going to bruise my stomach if he kept it up!

"WHAT!?!?" he shouted-causing my ears to ring-as he pushed me away. "Get away from me! I thought you were Kagome!"

Everybody gasped-me for need of oxygen, them from being surprised-and stared at the slowly backing away hanyou.

"Inu-Yasha, you wanted to hold me that close?" Kagome asked with a slight blush

"How close was I holding her?" Inu-Yasha asked with a nervous gulp.

"Too close! You ripped my shirt!" I hissed angrily as I pushed him further backwards.

The hanyou stumbled backwards in his drunken haze as I stormed off angrily.

"Inu-Yasha, watch-out. The stage ends there…" Kagome tried to warn.

Everybody shook their heads in shame as they saw the once proud Inu-Yasha now face down in the tuba of the opening theme orchestra. The poor tuba player stared at the hanyou in his instrument and the security stared as well, no knowing whether to laugh or help him.

"Damnit! Pansies," Inu-Yasha screamed, his voice echoing thanks to the tuba, "what the hell are you looking at! Get me the hell out of here!"

"I, Sesshomaru, am disgusted by your incompetence. I am leaving." Sesshomaru said as he proceeded to leave, tail by his groupies (a third of the audience).

"Inu-Yasha, I'll [hic!] help you!" Kouga exclaimed drunkenly.

"Well, Ladies and Gents, we didn't get much accomplished, but I'm willing to call it a day." the host announced, trying to bring SOME order to the chaos.

The audience just kind of stared at the face down Inu-Yasha, security guards, and Kouga.

"Let me help [hic!] my Inu-chan! [hic!]" Kouga shouted as security guards held him back.

"If you morons let that drunken freak near me, I'll kill you!" Inu-Yasha threatened from his still face down position in the tuba.

Once again, the audience just stared.

"I'm scared, Sango." Miroku whispered as he scooted closer to the demon slayer.

So am I." Sango muttered as she scooted an equal distance away from Miroku.

"Well at least I know you haven't changed…" the host muttered. "Bye Ladies and Gents!"

The poor audience was catching flies with their open mouths…

-----

{A/N:} Well hello! I liked that chapter. I hope you did! I decided not to abuse Sesshy because then I'd probably be getting hate mail for the rest of my life. He has way too loyal a following to mess with and not get hurt…or maimed…or worse…

Additional disclaimer: I DO NOT think Kouga's gay (though Kouga/Inu yaoi is drool-worthy material…). It just so happens I was in an abusive mood when I wrote this. I luffle Kouga-kun! [glomps]

Preview:

Miroku: I noticed something. Netiri hasn't interrupted us once yet.

Everybody: We care because…?

Miroku: I don't know. I just noticed it. She normally screams at us long before now.

Inu-Yasha: True…

Kagome: He's right. She's normally about halfway to killing us by now.

Sango: That's pretty sad considering we're only about five minutes into the show…