InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Identity Crisis ❯ Chapter Seven ( Chapter 7 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: ladygriddlebone 
Tensions run high as Sango and Miroku head out to find the source of their shared nightmares.
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Hentai / Drama | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 12.28.2008 | Updated On: 03.15.2010 | Pages: 4 | Words: 4.5K | Visits: 727 | Status: Completed
Tensions run high as Sango and Miroku head out to find the source of their shared nightmares.
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Hentai / Drama | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 12.28.2008 | Updated On: 03.15.2010 | Pages: 4 | Words: 4.5K | Visits: 727 | Status: Completed
Disclaimer: Inuyasha belongs to Rumiko Takahashi.
Chapter Seven
"You know we would have to travel non-stop to get there and back again before Kagome and Inuyasha return," Sango protested. She tried to pull her hand away again, but Miroku refused to release his grip on her wrist. Frustrated, she added, "And that doesn't even take into account any time we would have to spend investigating –"
The serious look refused to leave his face. "Sango, stop."
"But…"
"We'll leave a message with Kaede, then. Lie, if you want. Tell them whatever you wish – that we made a trip to your village, that we decided something might have been amiss after all, that we ran away together to get married and –"
"How can you make jokes at a time like this?"
Miroku shrugged. "I was merely making a few suggestions."
Sango's response was a frown, but she followed him without further protest. As they drew closer to the village, she could feel his tension growing through the hand that still held onto her. They paused for a long moment outside of Kaede's hut; Miroku released her suddenly, allowing her to choose what she would do. She did not want to lie, or even to deceive her friends, but she shared his sense of urgency.
If he had been having nightmares, too... then something could be seriously wrong.
Miroku waited outside while she slipped into the hut to gather Kirara and Hiraikotsu; she had little idea afterward what she excuse she gave the old priestess, only that it sounded painfully flimsy even to her own ears. All she got in response was a small nod accompanied by a smile and a knowing look. She fled, even though she had obviously given Kaede the wrong impression of what was going on, her face stained by a deep blush.
They had only a small amount of light left, but Kirara seemed to understand what they needed her to do, and they made good time that night. Sango found it odd to look down and not see the familiar shape of Inuyasha running below them, carrying Kagome on his back. Traveling with just Miroku was completely different, but almost comfortable.
She knew it was ludicrous – and was mentally preparing herself to spend the next few days fending off unwanted touches and perverted comments – but she felt better being around Miroku than being with the rest of the group right now. As nice as it was to have another girl around to talk to, she just couldn't bring herself to tell Kagome everything; with Miroku she almost felt as if she didn't have to say anything at all. He understood how she felt, and he probably already knew more about what had happened than she did, anyway.
And so far, though she might be reluctant to admit it, he was being a perfect gentleman. She yearned to ask how he had known about her nightmares; had he been watching over her while she slept, or did he share her dreams? But for the moment he seemed disinclined to talk, and she was not willing to press the matter and risk disturbing the delicate peace.
The moon was high in the sky, and provided them with plenty of light. They did not have to stop until it was quite late, and Sango found herself reluctant to stop even then. Still, she had to admit that they, and especially Kirara, needed rest if they were to keep going at such a pace.
"Um, I think," she began, hesitating ever so slightly.
"We should stop for the night," he agreed, without needing to hear the rest of what she had to say. He must have noticed that Kirara had been flying gradually lower, just as Sango had.
The forest was quiet around them when Kirara touched down; the only sounds were those of the occasional insect or small animal, and a spring that babbled nearby. Sango took a deep breath and stretched, as was her long-standing habit, and went about setting up a campsite. Anything to distract her from the reality that she had snuck off with Miroku – alone.
Now that she paused to think about her actions, she was beginning to realize that this was not the smartest thing she could have done. She hesitated, firewood held in a deathgrip but not yet added to the fire, becoming aware that Miroku was watching her through tired eyes.
Kirara mewed. Sango looked down at the cat demon beside her before returning her gaze to the monk.
She had always known that he was a womanizer, and had assumed accordingly that he was at least minimally skilled in the art of seduction; under the intensity of that gaze, she had to wonder if he had ever truly tried to seduce her before. Where had that thought come from? Her mind had been all out of sorts lately, and now, she decided, it was getting the better of her.
The monk rose, let out an amused breath, and moved toward her. Gently taking her hands in his, he helped her feed the fire. He let his hands linger over hers a moment longer than necessary before chiding, "You shouldn't stare like that, you know. People might get the wrong impression."
Sango let out a breath she had not realized she was holding and blushed bright red. Miroku grinned.
"Or am I wrong?"
His face was so close to hers that she could feel his breath against her skin. She knew she should pull away, should…
She wanted to kiss him.
The thought struck her like a lightning bolt and was enough to send her stumbling backwards, having nearly tripped over Kirara.
Miroku chuckled and stood, offering her a hand. She hesitated for a moment before accepting; if she had thought he might try something perverted, she was disappointed. And with some horror she realized that she was disappointed.
Here they were, alone in the middle of nowhere, and he was being perfectly considerate and not trying anything. She was not quite sure what she had expected him to do, but to be disappointed because he didn't have his hands all over her the moment they were alone? What was wrong with her?
"Sango," Miroku said, the unusual husky tone of his voice interrupting her thoughts. "You can let go now." He ran his thumb over the back of her hand. She had not noticed how cold she was until that very moment.
"You look tired, you should get some rest," he added, clearly concerned.
She frowned and reluctantly pulled her hand away. "We should talk."
"About what?"
She hesitated for a moment. "About what you said before we left Kaede's village. You've been having nightmares, too?"
He nodded. "It seems that every dream, no matter how pleasant the beginning, ends back in that demon's lair."
"Me too," she admitted. She hugged her arms around her waist. "I don't even remember how I got there…"
"Here, sit down," he said, taking a seat and motioning next to him. "I can tell you what I saw…"
"Please," she murmured, sitting next to him, "I'm not sure I want to know right now. It's troubling me enough just remembering bits and pieces of it."
"That is why I thought perhaps I should share what I know with you. If I can clarify things for you, or say anything that might help…"
It was strange to talk with him this way. She and Miroku seldom had truly candid conversations. He liked to play too much and she disliked showing her true feelings because they too often got out of hand, but right now she felt it was best not to hide.
She sighed. "I don't know. I-it's confusing. And I –" She turned away. How could she even bear to look at him? This conversation had been a bad idea from the start, and now a maelstrom of feelings, anger and fear and insecurity that she had kept locked up for days, was threatening to burst free.
"Sango, what's wrong?"
She did not answer; she did not know what to say. The struggle to contain her inner turmoil was making her shake. Finally, "I should never have done this. I should have gone back to my village, to seek guidance from my ancestors instead."
Miroku frowned. "If I thought running away would solve the problem, do you think I would be here?"
"Of course not." She turned and glared, forgetting the unshed tears that still threatened to fall. "Besides, it's not 'running away' to seek guidance from the ancestors."
"No," he agreed, "I suppose it's not."
Kirara, having transformed into her larger demon form, walked over and nuzzled her head against Sango. The demon slayer smiled and stroked a hand down her companion's cheek.
Laying down beside her human, the cat demon flicked her twin tails in Miroku's direction. Sango cuddled against the cat and closed her eyes, effectively ending the conversation. She heard the faint rustle of Miroku resettling himself; when she opened one eye to glance in his direction, she saw that the monk had his eyes closed and looked as if he were asleep or meditating.
Best not to bother him again, then. Sango closed her eyes again and drifted to sleep.
-----
A long while after Sango had gone to sleep, Miroku opened his eyes.
He had too much to think about, and could not settle his mind enough to sleep. The fire, now much smaller than earlier, cracked faintly. He turned, seeking Sango's form. He let out a sigh, a breath he had not even realized he was holding, when he saw that she was still huddled against Kirara. Her breaths were deep and even, and he was glad to see that she was sleeping and seemed to be free of nightmares.
He frowned. He wanted her to feel comfortable with him, and had no desire to return to the old stalemate between them. But circumstances being what they were, he was no longer sure which path was best.
He had thought he should do as Sango insisted she wanted, and behave as a 'gentleman' toward her, but that so far seemed to have actually done more harm than good. Sure, Sango had agreed to come with him on this crazy journey, but his refusal to butt in had also had something - perhaps more than just 'something' - to do with getting them both into this mess in the first place. At the same time, he had no doubt that returning to his old behaviors would result in more distance between them. Her reactions to his behavior, in truth intended to put her at ease by returning to routine, on their journey back to Kaede's village were proof enough of that. He would never have admitted such things aloud, much less to Sango, but it was certainly worth thinking about.
He had to force himself to look away but found he could not stop staring at her. She looked so peaceful when she slept. He longed to share in that peace, or even just to lie beside her.
One of Kirara's tails twitched, brushing against him and disrupting his thoughts. He looked up and met the demon's gaze for a long moment. He wondered, not for the first time, what she thought of him and if she approved of his feelings for Sango.
He watched for a while longer, but the cat demon was as mysterious and silent as ever.
-----
They set out again early the next morning and traveled as swiftly as possible for the next several days, despite being waylaid by torrential rain for almost two whole days. Miroku felt his apprehension growing as he began to notice familiar landmarks and realized they were quite close to the village they sought.
Sango seemed to have noticed it too, because she glanced repeatedly in his direction before squeezing Kirara against her chest. She was carrying the cat demon, and had suggested they walk for at least the morning to give the faithful demon a break. Morning had turned to afternoon, and they had continued in silence.
There was a not-quite uncomfortable tension in the air, something that had been building between them since their first night out. Miroku rather liked it; he enjoyed the way he would occasionally catch her glancing in his direction, and the way she sometimes seemed unable to look away from him, the blushes that tinted her cheeks every time he so much as hinted that he knew she was interested in him - and that her interest might be reciprocated.
They received a warm welcome at the village when they arrived that afternoon; the villagers recognized them and were happy to see them return, though they had never expected to see any of their heroes again. They were given a room at the inn free of charge, and were invited to join the innkeeper and his wife for dinner that night, and suddenly found themselves free of the hustle and bustle as the villagers went back to their homes and their work.
"Are you coming?" Miroku asked.
"Hm?" Sango was sitting on the edge of the inn's veranda, with Kirara still cuddled in her arms.
"I thought I would go get some rest before dinner," he informed her.
"I'd like to stay here for a bit," she told him finally.
Shrugging, Miroku headed into the building to find the room the innkeeper had so kindly agreed to let them use.
He had barely shut the door behind him when there came a soft rapping against the wooden frame.
When he slid the door open, one of the young village girls slipped inside without a word. The maiden paused for a moment before practically flinging herself at him. "Please, Lord Monk! You saved our village from that horrible demon, but now my father's home is being haunted! You must help my family!"
Miroku caught the distraught young woman by the shoulders and held her at arm's length, looking her in the eyes. "My lovely lady, I will be glad to assist –"
And that, of course, was when Sango walked in.
The slayer's expression went from calm to furious in the blink of an eye. The pleasant tension of the journey had obviously not been so pleasant from Sango's perspective, for he felt it boil out of control now.
"It's always something with you, isn't it, monk?" she said darkly, her eyes hidden behind a curtain of black hair. He wondered for an instant if she was taking his flirtations too seriously, or if he was not taking them seriously enough.
The village maiden recoiled, fear in her eyes, but Miroku resolutely turned his attention to the demon slayer.
"Sango," he said and paused. If she wanted to be angry with him there was really very little he could say to change her mind. She had so little faith in him; not, he had to admit, that he had ever really given her much reason to trust him. Especially not now, given his fickle behavior over the past few days.
His hand moved in her direction – he did not really know whether he intended to grab her or hold her – and her head snapped to follow the movement. "Don't touch me."
Miroku struggled to get a grip on his rapidly fraying temper. What on earth did this woman want from him? She despised his 'womanizing' and so he had done his best to do things her way – and had got himself exactly nowhere by doing it. He had tried to go back to the way things had been, and had only gotten scolded for it. He had finally thought he was making a little progress... and now this. Now she was upset over what truly had been nothing at all and he had no idea how to calm her down.
"Sango," he said urgently as she turned and walked away, but aside from a stiffening of her posture as she stormed off she gave no sign of having heard him.
He sighed. This was not going well at all.
He did not like the idea of her going off on her own right now, but knew he had no choice but to let her blow off some steam and try to confront her later. He only hoped she wouldn't lose her head and do something foolish in the meantime.
Please, Sango, be safe. He turned back to the village girl and bowed. "Please, my lady, tell me what I can do to help you."
-----
"Sango."
She stiffened at the sound of her name.
She had spent several hours wandering angrily in the forest near the village, contemplating the foolishness of this latest fight with Miroku, and had hoped to sneak back unnoticed. Obviously she was not lucky enough for that. Kirara mewed softly, and Sango rubbed the cat demon's head gently.
At least she had made it back to the inn without any embarrassing encounters. She glanced in the monk's direction.
"Yes?"
"I apologize for my behavior earlier today," he said; his words sounded almost rehearsed. Almost like he had been thinking about this since the moment she left. Sango narrowed her eyes.
"There is nothing to forgive," she admitted. "I – I'm sorry, too. I needed some time to think about it, but you… you didn't do anything. I was – " She had overreacted because she was feeling so damnably... She tried to tell herself it was exhaustion, or stress, but the fact of the matter was that she was insecure. And she was trying to admit that, or at least that it really was her fault and not his, but -
He smiled. "You don't need to explain, Sango."
"I –" Somehow she just could not manage to continue, the way he was smiling at her like that.
"Sango, stop."
She did not want to stop. She wanted to do something, say something, anything to let him know she was sorry. Lately he had done nothing but stand beside her and do his best to support her, and she had immediately doubted him at the very first opportunity.
"I –"
"It will be time for dinner soon," he interrupted smoothly. "We can talk afterward, if you want."
There was a soft sound at the door. Sango slid it open; it was one of the serving girls, who bowed and murmured, "Dinner will be served soon, Lord Monk, Lady Slayer. The lord innkeeper and his wife would be honored if you would join them."
Miroku smiled and said, "We would be honored, as well." As he passed Sango on his way out of the room, he whispered, "Meet me tonight if you want to talk. By that big tree we passed earlier this afternoon."
Sango frowned. Why not here? She paused a moment, wondering what he had in mind, before hurrying after him.
The dinner was pleasant enough; the innkeeper and his wife were as kind as Sango remembered, and she was pleased not to be offered any special "hero's" dishes. The food was flavorful and plentiful, and she found that conversation flowed easily, though it was all of little consequence.
After dinner, they parted ways. The innkeeper and his wife had already retreated to their quarters, and Miroku headed out of the inn, leaving Sango to her own devices. She felt decidedly odd about the whole thing.
She had wondered, before, what might happen if she were ever to agree to run off with Miroku. Now she had an opportunity to do just that, without Inuyasha or Kagome to spy on them, and she was not sure what she wanted to do.
Kirara was waiting for her in their room, and purred when Sango gave her a portion of fish saved from dinner. Sango rubbed the cat's belly and sighed. "Kirara, what should I do?"
-----
Miroku had taken up a position at the base of a tree near to where he had told Sango to meet him, sitting with his back pressed against it as if for support. It was chilly and still a bit damp, but the niche formed by the tree's roots provided some protection from the wind and overall was not uncomfortable. He was not sure whether or not he really expected Sango to show up.
He leaned back and closed his eyes.
"Why did you ask me to meet you here?"
He had been half asleep and had not heard her approach, and was startled by her sudden question. Turning slightly, he gave her a serious look. "I thought you might like an excuse to get away from the village for a while." He could not tell if his guess had been correct, but motioned for her to sit next to him anyway. She complied, but remained as infuriatingly out of reach as ever.
"I," she began, but then seemed to think the better of what she had planned to say and said instead, "thank you."
Miroku could not help but notice that she had come this far wearing just her yukata as protection against the evening chill, and had not even brought Kirara with her. It was obvious that she had not been thinking straight lately. Not that he could really blame her.
Suddenly he lurched upright, limbs stiff and awkward from sitting still too long in the cold, and pulled his kesa free. Sango snapped to attention, something like betrayal and fear in her eyes, and watched him almost warily. For just one second she did not trust him. He pretended not to see. It was easier if he did not. Carefully he draped the fabric, warmed by his body heat, over her shoulders and offered a comforting smile.
He let his hands linger for a moment before withdrawing to sit beside the tree again.
She was sitting pensively, her legs curled beneath her, her hands clutching at the fabric around her. It was one of those positions that, in his opinion, simply radiated a desire to be touched. Somehow, through some titanic force of will, he managed to restrain himself. His hands curled into fists from the effort of resisting, but he knew that for her sake he would have to. It would be so much more pleasant to grab her, get hit, and have everything be all right again. If only it were that easy.
"Thank you," she reiterated just as he was going to speak, "for not telling Kagome and the others what happened. And… for coming back here with me."
He nodded. There was really nothing to say. No matter how much he wished she would let him and the others help her, he also understood that she did not want pity and, more importantly, she did not wish to be - or feel - weak. It distressed him, as the only one in their group that knew what had happened, to be unable to comfort her.
"I just…" she trailed off and was silent for a long moment, thinking. "I feel so embarrassed. I'm a demon slayer, and yet it was so easy for it to get me under its control. I almost let that thing kill you, and then it would have gone after Kagome and Inuyasha and the others. It shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have let it happen."
"No, it should not have happened, but you should not blame yourself," he murmured, thinking. She had been blaming herself all this time. On top of everything else... "That demon tricked us all."
She was shaking, just barely. He wondered if it was from the cold or something else. "I know that. It's just… Nothing actually happened. In the end, you stopped anything from happening to me. I - I'm glad it was you that saved me." Her eyes glistened with unshed tears.
"Sango – " You saved me just as much as I saved you. He cut himself off, unable to actually say the words. She wouldn't believe he'd ended up in over his head anyway.
He shifted, taking her hand in his and squeezing gently in a last ditch effort to comfort her before he lost his mind. To sit by and be unable to help her – yet again – was almost more than he could take. He wanted badly to slay the demon that had done this to her, but the monster already lay dead miles and days behind them. He longed to draw her close and kiss her until she was happy again, but he knew that was just as likely to push her away as to help her move on.
There was so much tragedy in this young woman's life, and yet she somehow remained so very strong. She clung to his hand like a lifeline and tried valiantly not to let the tears fall. It was mostly futile. One, two, plop, plop, then more and more and more. The shameful tears fell despite her best efforts. That did it; that was the breaking point. He had had enough of helplessness.
So he did the only thing he could do: he gathered her in his arms and held her close and whispered soothing words into her hair while she cried. At least it was something.
She had cried like this only once before, at the beginning of their journey together. That time she had cried on Kagome's shoulder. Now it would seem she turned to him for comfort and support. He was glad enough of that, thrilled at her newly rediscovered trust, but none of that could ease the hollow ache within.
He had a feeling that they still had a long road ahead of them.
Chapter Seven
"You know we would have to travel non-stop to get there and back again before Kagome and Inuyasha return," Sango protested. She tried to pull her hand away again, but Miroku refused to release his grip on her wrist. Frustrated, she added, "And that doesn't even take into account any time we would have to spend investigating –"
The serious look refused to leave his face. "Sango, stop."
"But…"
"We'll leave a message with Kaede, then. Lie, if you want. Tell them whatever you wish – that we made a trip to your village, that we decided something might have been amiss after all, that we ran away together to get married and –"
"How can you make jokes at a time like this?"
Miroku shrugged. "I was merely making a few suggestions."
Sango's response was a frown, but she followed him without further protest. As they drew closer to the village, she could feel his tension growing through the hand that still held onto her. They paused for a long moment outside of Kaede's hut; Miroku released her suddenly, allowing her to choose what she would do. She did not want to lie, or even to deceive her friends, but she shared his sense of urgency.
If he had been having nightmares, too... then something could be seriously wrong.
Miroku waited outside while she slipped into the hut to gather Kirara and Hiraikotsu; she had little idea afterward what she excuse she gave the old priestess, only that it sounded painfully flimsy even to her own ears. All she got in response was a small nod accompanied by a smile and a knowing look. She fled, even though she had obviously given Kaede the wrong impression of what was going on, her face stained by a deep blush.
They had only a small amount of light left, but Kirara seemed to understand what they needed her to do, and they made good time that night. Sango found it odd to look down and not see the familiar shape of Inuyasha running below them, carrying Kagome on his back. Traveling with just Miroku was completely different, but almost comfortable.
She knew it was ludicrous – and was mentally preparing herself to spend the next few days fending off unwanted touches and perverted comments – but she felt better being around Miroku than being with the rest of the group right now. As nice as it was to have another girl around to talk to, she just couldn't bring herself to tell Kagome everything; with Miroku she almost felt as if she didn't have to say anything at all. He understood how she felt, and he probably already knew more about what had happened than she did, anyway.
And so far, though she might be reluctant to admit it, he was being a perfect gentleman. She yearned to ask how he had known about her nightmares; had he been watching over her while she slept, or did he share her dreams? But for the moment he seemed disinclined to talk, and she was not willing to press the matter and risk disturbing the delicate peace.
The moon was high in the sky, and provided them with plenty of light. They did not have to stop until it was quite late, and Sango found herself reluctant to stop even then. Still, she had to admit that they, and especially Kirara, needed rest if they were to keep going at such a pace.
"Um, I think," she began, hesitating ever so slightly.
"We should stop for the night," he agreed, without needing to hear the rest of what she had to say. He must have noticed that Kirara had been flying gradually lower, just as Sango had.
The forest was quiet around them when Kirara touched down; the only sounds were those of the occasional insect or small animal, and a spring that babbled nearby. Sango took a deep breath and stretched, as was her long-standing habit, and went about setting up a campsite. Anything to distract her from the reality that she had snuck off with Miroku – alone.
Now that she paused to think about her actions, she was beginning to realize that this was not the smartest thing she could have done. She hesitated, firewood held in a deathgrip but not yet added to the fire, becoming aware that Miroku was watching her through tired eyes.
Kirara mewed. Sango looked down at the cat demon beside her before returning her gaze to the monk.
She had always known that he was a womanizer, and had assumed accordingly that he was at least minimally skilled in the art of seduction; under the intensity of that gaze, she had to wonder if he had ever truly tried to seduce her before. Where had that thought come from? Her mind had been all out of sorts lately, and now, she decided, it was getting the better of her.
The monk rose, let out an amused breath, and moved toward her. Gently taking her hands in his, he helped her feed the fire. He let his hands linger over hers a moment longer than necessary before chiding, "You shouldn't stare like that, you know. People might get the wrong impression."
Sango let out a breath she had not realized she was holding and blushed bright red. Miroku grinned.
"Or am I wrong?"
His face was so close to hers that she could feel his breath against her skin. She knew she should pull away, should…
She wanted to kiss him.
The thought struck her like a lightning bolt and was enough to send her stumbling backwards, having nearly tripped over Kirara.
Miroku chuckled and stood, offering her a hand. She hesitated for a moment before accepting; if she had thought he might try something perverted, she was disappointed. And with some horror she realized that she was disappointed.
Here they were, alone in the middle of nowhere, and he was being perfectly considerate and not trying anything. She was not quite sure what she had expected him to do, but to be disappointed because he didn't have his hands all over her the moment they were alone? What was wrong with her?
"Sango," Miroku said, the unusual husky tone of his voice interrupting her thoughts. "You can let go now." He ran his thumb over the back of her hand. She had not noticed how cold she was until that very moment.
"You look tired, you should get some rest," he added, clearly concerned.
She frowned and reluctantly pulled her hand away. "We should talk."
"About what?"
She hesitated for a moment. "About what you said before we left Kaede's village. You've been having nightmares, too?"
He nodded. "It seems that every dream, no matter how pleasant the beginning, ends back in that demon's lair."
"Me too," she admitted. She hugged her arms around her waist. "I don't even remember how I got there…"
"Here, sit down," he said, taking a seat and motioning next to him. "I can tell you what I saw…"
"Please," she murmured, sitting next to him, "I'm not sure I want to know right now. It's troubling me enough just remembering bits and pieces of it."
"That is why I thought perhaps I should share what I know with you. If I can clarify things for you, or say anything that might help…"
It was strange to talk with him this way. She and Miroku seldom had truly candid conversations. He liked to play too much and she disliked showing her true feelings because they too often got out of hand, but right now she felt it was best not to hide.
She sighed. "I don't know. I-it's confusing. And I –" She turned away. How could she even bear to look at him? This conversation had been a bad idea from the start, and now a maelstrom of feelings, anger and fear and insecurity that she had kept locked up for days, was threatening to burst free.
"Sango, what's wrong?"
She did not answer; she did not know what to say. The struggle to contain her inner turmoil was making her shake. Finally, "I should never have done this. I should have gone back to my village, to seek guidance from my ancestors instead."
Miroku frowned. "If I thought running away would solve the problem, do you think I would be here?"
"Of course not." She turned and glared, forgetting the unshed tears that still threatened to fall. "Besides, it's not 'running away' to seek guidance from the ancestors."
"No," he agreed, "I suppose it's not."
Kirara, having transformed into her larger demon form, walked over and nuzzled her head against Sango. The demon slayer smiled and stroked a hand down her companion's cheek.
Laying down beside her human, the cat demon flicked her twin tails in Miroku's direction. Sango cuddled against the cat and closed her eyes, effectively ending the conversation. She heard the faint rustle of Miroku resettling himself; when she opened one eye to glance in his direction, she saw that the monk had his eyes closed and looked as if he were asleep or meditating.
Best not to bother him again, then. Sango closed her eyes again and drifted to sleep.
-----
A long while after Sango had gone to sleep, Miroku opened his eyes.
He had too much to think about, and could not settle his mind enough to sleep. The fire, now much smaller than earlier, cracked faintly. He turned, seeking Sango's form. He let out a sigh, a breath he had not even realized he was holding, when he saw that she was still huddled against Kirara. Her breaths were deep and even, and he was glad to see that she was sleeping and seemed to be free of nightmares.
He frowned. He wanted her to feel comfortable with him, and had no desire to return to the old stalemate between them. But circumstances being what they were, he was no longer sure which path was best.
He had thought he should do as Sango insisted she wanted, and behave as a 'gentleman' toward her, but that so far seemed to have actually done more harm than good. Sure, Sango had agreed to come with him on this crazy journey, but his refusal to butt in had also had something - perhaps more than just 'something' - to do with getting them both into this mess in the first place. At the same time, he had no doubt that returning to his old behaviors would result in more distance between them. Her reactions to his behavior, in truth intended to put her at ease by returning to routine, on their journey back to Kaede's village were proof enough of that. He would never have admitted such things aloud, much less to Sango, but it was certainly worth thinking about.
He had to force himself to look away but found he could not stop staring at her. She looked so peaceful when she slept. He longed to share in that peace, or even just to lie beside her.
One of Kirara's tails twitched, brushing against him and disrupting his thoughts. He looked up and met the demon's gaze for a long moment. He wondered, not for the first time, what she thought of him and if she approved of his feelings for Sango.
He watched for a while longer, but the cat demon was as mysterious and silent as ever.
-----
They set out again early the next morning and traveled as swiftly as possible for the next several days, despite being waylaid by torrential rain for almost two whole days. Miroku felt his apprehension growing as he began to notice familiar landmarks and realized they were quite close to the village they sought.
Sango seemed to have noticed it too, because she glanced repeatedly in his direction before squeezing Kirara against her chest. She was carrying the cat demon, and had suggested they walk for at least the morning to give the faithful demon a break. Morning had turned to afternoon, and they had continued in silence.
There was a not-quite uncomfortable tension in the air, something that had been building between them since their first night out. Miroku rather liked it; he enjoyed the way he would occasionally catch her glancing in his direction, and the way she sometimes seemed unable to look away from him, the blushes that tinted her cheeks every time he so much as hinted that he knew she was interested in him - and that her interest might be reciprocated.
They received a warm welcome at the village when they arrived that afternoon; the villagers recognized them and were happy to see them return, though they had never expected to see any of their heroes again. They were given a room at the inn free of charge, and were invited to join the innkeeper and his wife for dinner that night, and suddenly found themselves free of the hustle and bustle as the villagers went back to their homes and their work.
"Are you coming?" Miroku asked.
"Hm?" Sango was sitting on the edge of the inn's veranda, with Kirara still cuddled in her arms.
"I thought I would go get some rest before dinner," he informed her.
"I'd like to stay here for a bit," she told him finally.
Shrugging, Miroku headed into the building to find the room the innkeeper had so kindly agreed to let them use.
He had barely shut the door behind him when there came a soft rapping against the wooden frame.
When he slid the door open, one of the young village girls slipped inside without a word. The maiden paused for a moment before practically flinging herself at him. "Please, Lord Monk! You saved our village from that horrible demon, but now my father's home is being haunted! You must help my family!"
Miroku caught the distraught young woman by the shoulders and held her at arm's length, looking her in the eyes. "My lovely lady, I will be glad to assist –"
And that, of course, was when Sango walked in.
The slayer's expression went from calm to furious in the blink of an eye. The pleasant tension of the journey had obviously not been so pleasant from Sango's perspective, for he felt it boil out of control now.
"It's always something with you, isn't it, monk?" she said darkly, her eyes hidden behind a curtain of black hair. He wondered for an instant if she was taking his flirtations too seriously, or if he was not taking them seriously enough.
The village maiden recoiled, fear in her eyes, but Miroku resolutely turned his attention to the demon slayer.
"Sango," he said and paused. If she wanted to be angry with him there was really very little he could say to change her mind. She had so little faith in him; not, he had to admit, that he had ever really given her much reason to trust him. Especially not now, given his fickle behavior over the past few days.
His hand moved in her direction – he did not really know whether he intended to grab her or hold her – and her head snapped to follow the movement. "Don't touch me."
Miroku struggled to get a grip on his rapidly fraying temper. What on earth did this woman want from him? She despised his 'womanizing' and so he had done his best to do things her way – and had got himself exactly nowhere by doing it. He had tried to go back to the way things had been, and had only gotten scolded for it. He had finally thought he was making a little progress... and now this. Now she was upset over what truly had been nothing at all and he had no idea how to calm her down.
"Sango," he said urgently as she turned and walked away, but aside from a stiffening of her posture as she stormed off she gave no sign of having heard him.
He sighed. This was not going well at all.
He did not like the idea of her going off on her own right now, but knew he had no choice but to let her blow off some steam and try to confront her later. He only hoped she wouldn't lose her head and do something foolish in the meantime.
Please, Sango, be safe. He turned back to the village girl and bowed. "Please, my lady, tell me what I can do to help you."
-----
"Sango."
She stiffened at the sound of her name.
She had spent several hours wandering angrily in the forest near the village, contemplating the foolishness of this latest fight with Miroku, and had hoped to sneak back unnoticed. Obviously she was not lucky enough for that. Kirara mewed softly, and Sango rubbed the cat demon's head gently.
At least she had made it back to the inn without any embarrassing encounters. She glanced in the monk's direction.
"Yes?"
"I apologize for my behavior earlier today," he said; his words sounded almost rehearsed. Almost like he had been thinking about this since the moment she left. Sango narrowed her eyes.
"There is nothing to forgive," she admitted. "I – I'm sorry, too. I needed some time to think about it, but you… you didn't do anything. I was – " She had overreacted because she was feeling so damnably... She tried to tell herself it was exhaustion, or stress, but the fact of the matter was that she was insecure. And she was trying to admit that, or at least that it really was her fault and not his, but -
He smiled. "You don't need to explain, Sango."
"I –" Somehow she just could not manage to continue, the way he was smiling at her like that.
"Sango, stop."
She did not want to stop. She wanted to do something, say something, anything to let him know she was sorry. Lately he had done nothing but stand beside her and do his best to support her, and she had immediately doubted him at the very first opportunity.
"I –"
"It will be time for dinner soon," he interrupted smoothly. "We can talk afterward, if you want."
There was a soft sound at the door. Sango slid it open; it was one of the serving girls, who bowed and murmured, "Dinner will be served soon, Lord Monk, Lady Slayer. The lord innkeeper and his wife would be honored if you would join them."
Miroku smiled and said, "We would be honored, as well." As he passed Sango on his way out of the room, he whispered, "Meet me tonight if you want to talk. By that big tree we passed earlier this afternoon."
Sango frowned. Why not here? She paused a moment, wondering what he had in mind, before hurrying after him.
The dinner was pleasant enough; the innkeeper and his wife were as kind as Sango remembered, and she was pleased not to be offered any special "hero's" dishes. The food was flavorful and plentiful, and she found that conversation flowed easily, though it was all of little consequence.
After dinner, they parted ways. The innkeeper and his wife had already retreated to their quarters, and Miroku headed out of the inn, leaving Sango to her own devices. She felt decidedly odd about the whole thing.
She had wondered, before, what might happen if she were ever to agree to run off with Miroku. Now she had an opportunity to do just that, without Inuyasha or Kagome to spy on them, and she was not sure what she wanted to do.
Kirara was waiting for her in their room, and purred when Sango gave her a portion of fish saved from dinner. Sango rubbed the cat's belly and sighed. "Kirara, what should I do?"
-----
Miroku had taken up a position at the base of a tree near to where he had told Sango to meet him, sitting with his back pressed against it as if for support. It was chilly and still a bit damp, but the niche formed by the tree's roots provided some protection from the wind and overall was not uncomfortable. He was not sure whether or not he really expected Sango to show up.
He leaned back and closed his eyes.
"Why did you ask me to meet you here?"
He had been half asleep and had not heard her approach, and was startled by her sudden question. Turning slightly, he gave her a serious look. "I thought you might like an excuse to get away from the village for a while." He could not tell if his guess had been correct, but motioned for her to sit next to him anyway. She complied, but remained as infuriatingly out of reach as ever.
"I," she began, but then seemed to think the better of what she had planned to say and said instead, "thank you."
Miroku could not help but notice that she had come this far wearing just her yukata as protection against the evening chill, and had not even brought Kirara with her. It was obvious that she had not been thinking straight lately. Not that he could really blame her.
Suddenly he lurched upright, limbs stiff and awkward from sitting still too long in the cold, and pulled his kesa free. Sango snapped to attention, something like betrayal and fear in her eyes, and watched him almost warily. For just one second she did not trust him. He pretended not to see. It was easier if he did not. Carefully he draped the fabric, warmed by his body heat, over her shoulders and offered a comforting smile.
He let his hands linger for a moment before withdrawing to sit beside the tree again.
She was sitting pensively, her legs curled beneath her, her hands clutching at the fabric around her. It was one of those positions that, in his opinion, simply radiated a desire to be touched. Somehow, through some titanic force of will, he managed to restrain himself. His hands curled into fists from the effort of resisting, but he knew that for her sake he would have to. It would be so much more pleasant to grab her, get hit, and have everything be all right again. If only it were that easy.
"Thank you," she reiterated just as he was going to speak, "for not telling Kagome and the others what happened. And… for coming back here with me."
He nodded. There was really nothing to say. No matter how much he wished she would let him and the others help her, he also understood that she did not want pity and, more importantly, she did not wish to be - or feel - weak. It distressed him, as the only one in their group that knew what had happened, to be unable to comfort her.
"I just…" she trailed off and was silent for a long moment, thinking. "I feel so embarrassed. I'm a demon slayer, and yet it was so easy for it to get me under its control. I almost let that thing kill you, and then it would have gone after Kagome and Inuyasha and the others. It shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have let it happen."
"No, it should not have happened, but you should not blame yourself," he murmured, thinking. She had been blaming herself all this time. On top of everything else... "That demon tricked us all."
She was shaking, just barely. He wondered if it was from the cold or something else. "I know that. It's just… Nothing actually happened. In the end, you stopped anything from happening to me. I - I'm glad it was you that saved me." Her eyes glistened with unshed tears.
"Sango – " You saved me just as much as I saved you. He cut himself off, unable to actually say the words. She wouldn't believe he'd ended up in over his head anyway.
He shifted, taking her hand in his and squeezing gently in a last ditch effort to comfort her before he lost his mind. To sit by and be unable to help her – yet again – was almost more than he could take. He wanted badly to slay the demon that had done this to her, but the monster already lay dead miles and days behind them. He longed to draw her close and kiss her until she was happy again, but he knew that was just as likely to push her away as to help her move on.
There was so much tragedy in this young woman's life, and yet she somehow remained so very strong. She clung to his hand like a lifeline and tried valiantly not to let the tears fall. It was mostly futile. One, two, plop, plop, then more and more and more. The shameful tears fell despite her best efforts. That did it; that was the breaking point. He had had enough of helplessness.
So he did the only thing he could do: he gathered her in his arms and held her close and whispered soothing words into her hair while she cried. At least it was something.
She had cried like this only once before, at the beginning of their journey together. That time she had cried on Kagome's shoulder. Now it would seem she turned to him for comfort and support. He was glad enough of that, thrilled at her newly rediscovered trust, but none of that could ease the hollow ache within.
He had a feeling that they still had a long road ahead of them.