InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Identity Crisis ❯ Chapter Ten ( Chapter 10 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: ladygriddlebone 
Miroku and Sango try to figure each other out, and finally find a lead.
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Hentai / Drama | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 02.08.2009 | Updated On: 03.19.2010 | Pages: 3 | Words: 3.7K | Visits: 615 | Status: Completed
Miroku and Sango try to figure each other out, and finally find a lead.
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Hentai / Drama | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 02.08.2009 | Updated On: 03.19.2010 | Pages: 3 | Words: 3.7K | Visits: 615 | Status: Completed
Disclaimer: Inuyasha belongs to Rumiko Takahashi.
Chapter Ten
Sango had too much on her mind to be able to sleep. When she heard the monk's breathing even out, she decided that it was safe and rolled over to look at him. He looked so calm and steady, peaceful even, while she… she felt ragged and raw inside, and anything but calm.
Just when she thought she had him figured out, he went and did something else to put her on edge. No matter what she tried to think about, her mind kept drifting back to the demon's lair; but this time there were no bad memories, just the memory of Miroku's arms around her, and a strangely welcome sense of security and warmth. What on earth was he thinking?
Sure, Miroku liked to touch her. She had known that almost from the moment she met him. But in the past there had always been dubious intent accompanying his touches, grabs and feels that were not limited to her, but spread amongst nearly every female he encountered. Even his speech had been tainted by lechery.
Despite many of his more noble, though oft-hidden, attributes, it was difficult to get past the façade, and even more difficult to truly trust him. She could trust her life to him, in battle, but her heart?
No, not when she knew… knew that he would certainly break her heart. It had always seemed like a sure thing, even when she agreed to marry him, that he would have eyes for other women, that he couldn't keep his hands to himself, even if he wanted to. It was part and parcel of who he was. Or so she had thought.
But lately something had changed, and those things no longer seemed so certain.
She felt he was simply trying to comfort her, in his own way, rather than take advantage of her. And it had been days since he had made a grab for her bottom. And even then…
He had said that he was trying to change, and had lapsed back into his old habits in an effort to make her feel more comfortable. But he had always been such a pervert that it was hard to believe that he would want to change his ways, much less be able to do so. Still, she did not like their old routine at all, and… she wanted to believe him. She wanted desperately to believe that, so simply, all of the difficulties that had arisen in her life because of him could vanish as quickly as they had appeared.
But she had to remind herself: he was a clever man, and never did anything without a purpose. This seemed altogether too easy.
She hesitated to even think it, squinting at him in the dark, as if it might somehow make things clear. Maybe he really was trying to change.
She rolled onto her back and stared up into the darkness. A long time later, she sighed. I'm never going to figure him out!
-----
A soft morning breeze teased through her hair, and Kagome let out a happy sigh. It felt good to return to the feudal era with Inuyasha, and she was looking forward to heading out on the road again.
Her last few days in the modern era had been relatively worry-free, and she had been glad to spend some time with Inuyasha away from their quest, even if he did tend to get into a lot of trouble in her world.
She'd had an awkward conversation with her mother, at the older woman's behest, concerning her intentions toward Inuyasha. She had been horrified to discover that it was a discussion about dating Inuyasha, and found herself wondering just how much her mother was aware of.
"We need to talk" was almost universally bad, but she had not expected to end up in a discussion of relationships and birth control with her mother. She was pretty sure it was impossible to be more embarrassed than she had been on that day. At the very least, she counted herself lucky that Inuyasha did not appear to have overheard any of their conversation; her mother had thought ahead and distracted him with plenty of ramen. She might have died of embarrassment if he had.
But while the conversation had been upsetting, it had also been something of a relief to know that her family did not disapprove of her feelings for Inuyasha.
She was not quite sure what to think of their willingness to accept the hanyou as a part of the family, specifically as her boyfriend, but she was glad of their support. Just returning to the feudal era beside him was enough to make her smile.
Everything looked peaceful, and she fully expected Inuyasha to start grouching about getting back on the road as soon as they got to the village. They'd meet up with Miroku, Sango, and Shippo, and they'd be on their way before lunch. She was looking forward to it.
Her high spirits were dashed when they arrived at Kaede's hut, and were greeted outside by Shippo and Kaede… Shippo careened into Kagome's arms, and teased Inuyasha about having to carry Kagome's large backpack… but something seemed wrong, somehow.
Kagome frowned. "Where are Miroku and Sango?"
"They left," Shippo grumbled. "Sango said she wanted to travel back to her village."
Kaede nodded, adding, "I do believe she was lying."
"Lying?" Kagome wondered aloud. Sango was a terrible liar, and seemed to know it. Why would she have lied to Kaede about returning to her village, and then… "So she went off with Miroku?"
"Yes. I've never seen her so worked up before."
"But why would she be lying? What happened while we were gone?" Kagome blushed a little, thinking back to her own mortification over the past couple of days – and the box of condoms buried at the bottom of her backpack, that her mother had insisted she take back to the feudal era with her. Would Miroku and Sango really have run off together? And if so, why? Certainly not for the reasons she was thinking… right?
Kaede looked thoughtful. "They departed on the same day as you and Inuyasha."
"If they'd gone to the slayer village, wouldn't they be back by now?" Kagome asked, looking up to meet Inuyasha's gaze. She could see her own worry reflected there.
She wanted to believe what Sango had told Kaede, but things weren't adding up. "Do you think we…"
"Keh." Inuyasha turned away. "Let's get going."
"Going?"
"To the slayer village." Shippo had already scurried up onto the hanyou's shoulders, and it was obvious they were only waiting for her. "Something must've happened to 'em, if they're this late."
Kagome nodded. "Right," she murmured, taking her customary place on Inuyasha's back, though with the addition of Shippo and her backpack it was more cramped than usual.
As they sped down the path that would lead them to the slayers' village, she hoped that the feeling of worry that settled deep in the pit of her stomach was for nothing.
-----
Morning brought the monk and slayer no closer to an answer, and with each day that passed Sango's temper grew shorter. And when the seventh day after Kagome's departure came, Sango found herself moping by the remnants of the night's fire long after they should have set out. Miroku said nothing, seemingly content to let her brood; she felt awful about having lied to Kaede about where they were going, and found herself wishing, with surprising ill-temper, that she had just told the truth.
She had known all along that Miroku was a bad influence on her, and realized just how far gone her sense of reason was, that she had actually listened to him when he told her to lie. This was supposed to have been an easy trip, a quick investigation. At least, that was what she had assumed.
But it seemed that nothing could ever be easy, or straightforward.
They had left the village early the previous morning, heading out past the demon's lair, and camped out in the forest when night fell. She wondered forlornly if traveling further afield would yield any leads, or if it were all pointless, and the nightmares that had led them back here had been mere coincidence.
She knew that Miroku was trying to help, because he wished to assist her and for reasons of his own, but his presence was doing nothing to ease her nerves or to help her focus.
The reality was quite the opposite.
She knew what she needed to focus on, and every moment spent in his company was pushing her farther and farther away from that goal. Instead, she had been spending her time second-guessing every offhand comment, every incidental touch or glance, and not paying nearly enough attention to what was going on around her.
She frowned, but did not realize it until Miroku crouched beside her and pointed it out.
"Now, Sango, there's no need for such a sad expression," he teased.
She had not realized that he was so close, and started in surprise when he spoke. "I… er…" She struggled to find coherent words, even as she found his presence more flustering than usual.
There were many things she needed to say to him, but she did not know how.
Miroku sat next to her with a slight huff, and turned his gaze to the sky; far above them, blue peeked through the leaves of the trees that grew so densely all around. "It's getting late. We should head out."
Sango nodded even as hopelessness clawed at her soul.
-----
They searched for two more days without luck and as the second day drew to a close, Sango felt as if worry and shame were going to devour her whole. Even if Kaede and the others had believed her lie, they would discover her deception soon, if they had not already.
Miroku interrupted her thoughts when he noticed her expression turning melancholy or sour, but the sound of his voice did little to settle her mood. She guided Kirara up above the trees, the two of them scouting all around from their vantage point on her back as they rose higher and higher above the forest. Sango's eyes scanned the tree covered countryside, but her mind was elsewhere, playing and re-playing events of days past.
The way Miroku had held her so gently in the demon's lair…
The strange sense of calm and acceptance that had followed…
She had been happy. Confused, but pleased. It had felt like they might be making progress in the right direction, and that at last she would be able to settle her feelings for him and focus on their quest.
But then, the next morning…
He had… apologized.
And she… she had let him.
He had finally done what she had desired for so long - he'd touched her without groping, without letting his hands stray, without making a perverted comment - and she had let him apologize for it.
It seemed she could no longer go a day without making some terrible mistake.
Sango hung her head.
"There!"
She turned to look in the direction Miroku was pointing. Far away, so much so that she could barely see it, was a massive dead tree, surrounded by a wide clearing so that it almost stood alone. Sango frowned.
"That looks suspicious," Miroku added.
"It does. Do you think we should -" She trailed off, uncertainly.
"Yes, Sango?"
She glanced toward the horizon, where the sun was slowly setting. "It's getting late. I think we should make camp, and check out that tree first thing in the morning." As Miroku shifted to follow her gaze, she turned to look back at the dead tree.
It was probably nothing - it had to be nothing, nothing more than her imagination, at least - but something about that tree kept drawing her attention. She hadn't even noticed it until Miroku pointed it out, but now she couldn't seem to get it out of her head.
"It's not a bad plan," Miroku was saying, though she barely heard him. "Best not to be out in unfamiliar territory in the dark."
Kirara seemed to sense her mistress' preoccupation, and headed back in the direction they had come from, seeking the stream they had camped beside for the previous two nights. By the time they found a promising clearing, Sango had managed to clear her head a bit, and she was able to help Miroku with the fire and their dinner without feeling too out of sorts.
Still, something bothered her, even as they eased from small talk into almost-comfortable silence. It was an uncomfortable feeling that made her blood burn and tightened her chest.
That tree was calling her.
She stared into the small fire and knew that this tree, and whatever it was that was drawing her to it, would only bring trouble.
And the chill she felt, deep in her bones, made her certain that she did not want Miroku to get involved in this. She glanced at the monk surreptitiously and felt a twinge of guilt.
How could she tell him that she needed to go alone?
-----
It had been quiet for so long that Miroku had decided to make the most of the opportunity and had actually slipped into a light meditation. He heard Sango and Kirara move off into the trees, presumably so Sango could change into clothing more comfortable for sleeping without fear of being spied on.
He sighed, and wondered if the day would ever come that she did not find his appreciation to be repulsive. And yet, even as he wondered that, he had to fight the urge to go and do exactly what she thought – and feared - he would do. He felt vaguely as if he could not win, no matter what he tried. While he had done nothing, lately, to earn her distrust, she was still skittish around him.
For some reason he had thought that a marriage proposal would solve that problem; after that failed he'd tried - with little success to date - to play it her way, and try his best not to touch her or otherwise bother her. She'd finally given him some hope that his attempts were not entirely unwanted, and then he'd gone and apologized for it anyway.
Somewhere along the line, he'd lost his nerve. He'd become utterly afraid of pushing her away, of losing her…
"I… I can't accept your help in this."
Miroku looked up, startled at the sudden outburst after nearly an hour of silence, and frowned. He had not heard Sango return, and had no idea where this vehemence had come from. "Why not? I have merely been following you."
"Because… this is something I have to do on my own. I –"
"Would you have allowed your fellow demon slayers to assist you?"
She looked away. "You are not a demon slayer," she answered finally. Miroku sighed. He knew what she meant. It was a matter of honor for her, and she did not want to rely on another person in her quest for vengeance. Still…
"That has never been a hindrance to us in the past," he pointed out. In fact, he had often - but secretly - marveled at their teamwork, despite their vastly different fighting styles and training.
"I know…"
"Then why is it a problem now?"
"This… there's something strange at work here." Sango seemed worried, and struggled to find the right words. "I… This place is giving me a bad feeling. I don't want to… I can't put you in danger again."
Even as Miroku's temper flared, he had to force himself not to laugh. She wanted to leave him behind while she went into battle, to keep him safe. How many times had he done just that to her, and thought nothing of it? And he had no doubt that, given the chance, he would continue to put himself in harm's way to spare her. He could not exactly fault her for feeling the same, although he would have liked to.
"I understand the sentiment, Sango," he said, doing his best to sound placating, "But I think it would be best if we stuck together."
"I couldn't bear it if I put you in danger again, and you suffered because of me."
He chuckled. "Ah, so you see my predicament." When she frowned questioningly, he continued, "I convinced you to return and investigate, if you remember."
She looked angry, though he could not say if she was more upset with him - or herself. After a tense moment, she calmed, and her expression shifted from anger to melancholy. "It feels like this was inevitable… But we still haven't found anything definite."
"We'll find it. Together," Miroku said, trying his best to maintain his patience. "We just have to keep looking. I'm certain we're getting closer to the answer. That dead tree – it's enormous. It has to have something to do with this."
Sango glared, ignoring what he had said. "Inuyasha and Kagome will be on our trail soon, if they aren't already."
Miroku shrugged noncommittally. There was not a whole lot he could do about their companions at this point. "I do not see why you are so upset about this."
"I lied to Kaede about where we were going. I've been lying to Kagome all along. Don't you see that this is a problem?" As if suddenly realizing who she was talking to, she added, "Never mind. You wouldn't understand."
Miroku frowned, his tenuous grip on patience and understanding snapped. He tried to keep the anger from his voice, but the look on her face told him she knew she'd gone too far. "You can't keep pushing everyone away, Sango. We just want to help you. I just want to help you."
She had nothing to say in response to that. Regret washed over her and stilled her to silence.
"I didn't come all this way to see you fall."
"I know that," she said finally, her voice quiet. "A-and I'm sorry."
Miroku resettled himself, shifting to lean more comfortably against the tree behind him. He tipped his head back, letting his eyes close. "I can't even begin to imagine what you've been feeling about all this, Sango."
"I've been such a burden lately," she sighed. She moved, coming to sit next to him, sitting easily within reach. He had to wonder if she'd done that deliberately. "I made you come with me all this way…"
He smirked. Could she have forgotten already that he was the one that had talked her into coming back? His expression sobered when he realized that this was Sango and yes, she had probably managed to convince herself that the whole mess was her fault. "You didn't make me do anything. I followed because I want to help in any way that I can."
"But –"
He inched ever so slightly closer to her. She still wasn't looking at him, and seemed to be ignoring the fact that she had only returned after he persuaded her to do so. Kirara mewed, appearing out of nowhere to sprawl across Sango's lap. Teasingly, he said, "You shouldn't blame yourself for the loyalty of your friends."
"It's just… this is all my fault. If I'd been paying more attention –"
Even in her fit of melancholy and self-doubt, she looked beautiful in the firelight. Miroku struggled to focus, and had to consciously keep his hand from inching toward her. "Sango, it is not your fault. That demon could have chosen any one of us as its prey, and the result would have been the same."
"I've let you all down."
He smiled, genuinely this time, and reached over to gently squeeze her hand. She even smiled a little at the reassurance; he wondered absently if he would find himself apologizing for this, too. "The only way you could let us down is if you stopped fighting."
Sango's grip tightened on his hand, squeezing back for a moment before she slipped away. "We'll go together, then, first thing in the morning."
It was not quite a question.
Miroku nodded, and it seemed the matter was settled.
As the night deepened, Sango bedded down against Kirara, who transformed into her larger form to serve as both a pillow and a source of warmth against the chill. Miroku took up a spot near a tree not far away. The camp was peaceful as they prepared themselves for the day ahead.
And much, much later, when the monk finally slept, the slayer crept out of camp and into the dark.
Chapter Ten
Sango had too much on her mind to be able to sleep. When she heard the monk's breathing even out, she decided that it was safe and rolled over to look at him. He looked so calm and steady, peaceful even, while she… she felt ragged and raw inside, and anything but calm.
Just when she thought she had him figured out, he went and did something else to put her on edge. No matter what she tried to think about, her mind kept drifting back to the demon's lair; but this time there were no bad memories, just the memory of Miroku's arms around her, and a strangely welcome sense of security and warmth. What on earth was he thinking?
Sure, Miroku liked to touch her. She had known that almost from the moment she met him. But in the past there had always been dubious intent accompanying his touches, grabs and feels that were not limited to her, but spread amongst nearly every female he encountered. Even his speech had been tainted by lechery.
Despite many of his more noble, though oft-hidden, attributes, it was difficult to get past the façade, and even more difficult to truly trust him. She could trust her life to him, in battle, but her heart?
No, not when she knew… knew that he would certainly break her heart. It had always seemed like a sure thing, even when she agreed to marry him, that he would have eyes for other women, that he couldn't keep his hands to himself, even if he wanted to. It was part and parcel of who he was. Or so she had thought.
But lately something had changed, and those things no longer seemed so certain.
She felt he was simply trying to comfort her, in his own way, rather than take advantage of her. And it had been days since he had made a grab for her bottom. And even then…
He had said that he was trying to change, and had lapsed back into his old habits in an effort to make her feel more comfortable. But he had always been such a pervert that it was hard to believe that he would want to change his ways, much less be able to do so. Still, she did not like their old routine at all, and… she wanted to believe him. She wanted desperately to believe that, so simply, all of the difficulties that had arisen in her life because of him could vanish as quickly as they had appeared.
But she had to remind herself: he was a clever man, and never did anything without a purpose. This seemed altogether too easy.
She hesitated to even think it, squinting at him in the dark, as if it might somehow make things clear. Maybe he really was trying to change.
She rolled onto her back and stared up into the darkness. A long time later, she sighed. I'm never going to figure him out!
-----
A soft morning breeze teased through her hair, and Kagome let out a happy sigh. It felt good to return to the feudal era with Inuyasha, and she was looking forward to heading out on the road again.
Her last few days in the modern era had been relatively worry-free, and she had been glad to spend some time with Inuyasha away from their quest, even if he did tend to get into a lot of trouble in her world.
She'd had an awkward conversation with her mother, at the older woman's behest, concerning her intentions toward Inuyasha. She had been horrified to discover that it was a discussion about dating Inuyasha, and found herself wondering just how much her mother was aware of.
"We need to talk" was almost universally bad, but she had not expected to end up in a discussion of relationships and birth control with her mother. She was pretty sure it was impossible to be more embarrassed than she had been on that day. At the very least, she counted herself lucky that Inuyasha did not appear to have overheard any of their conversation; her mother had thought ahead and distracted him with plenty of ramen. She might have died of embarrassment if he had.
But while the conversation had been upsetting, it had also been something of a relief to know that her family did not disapprove of her feelings for Inuyasha.
She was not quite sure what to think of their willingness to accept the hanyou as a part of the family, specifically as her boyfriend, but she was glad of their support. Just returning to the feudal era beside him was enough to make her smile.
Everything looked peaceful, and she fully expected Inuyasha to start grouching about getting back on the road as soon as they got to the village. They'd meet up with Miroku, Sango, and Shippo, and they'd be on their way before lunch. She was looking forward to it.
Her high spirits were dashed when they arrived at Kaede's hut, and were greeted outside by Shippo and Kaede… Shippo careened into Kagome's arms, and teased Inuyasha about having to carry Kagome's large backpack… but something seemed wrong, somehow.
Kagome frowned. "Where are Miroku and Sango?"
"They left," Shippo grumbled. "Sango said she wanted to travel back to her village."
Kaede nodded, adding, "I do believe she was lying."
"Lying?" Kagome wondered aloud. Sango was a terrible liar, and seemed to know it. Why would she have lied to Kaede about returning to her village, and then… "So she went off with Miroku?"
"Yes. I've never seen her so worked up before."
"But why would she be lying? What happened while we were gone?" Kagome blushed a little, thinking back to her own mortification over the past couple of days – and the box of condoms buried at the bottom of her backpack, that her mother had insisted she take back to the feudal era with her. Would Miroku and Sango really have run off together? And if so, why? Certainly not for the reasons she was thinking… right?
Kaede looked thoughtful. "They departed on the same day as you and Inuyasha."
"If they'd gone to the slayer village, wouldn't they be back by now?" Kagome asked, looking up to meet Inuyasha's gaze. She could see her own worry reflected there.
She wanted to believe what Sango had told Kaede, but things weren't adding up. "Do you think we…"
"Keh." Inuyasha turned away. "Let's get going."
"Going?"
"To the slayer village." Shippo had already scurried up onto the hanyou's shoulders, and it was obvious they were only waiting for her. "Something must've happened to 'em, if they're this late."
Kagome nodded. "Right," she murmured, taking her customary place on Inuyasha's back, though with the addition of Shippo and her backpack it was more cramped than usual.
As they sped down the path that would lead them to the slayers' village, she hoped that the feeling of worry that settled deep in the pit of her stomach was for nothing.
-----
Morning brought the monk and slayer no closer to an answer, and with each day that passed Sango's temper grew shorter. And when the seventh day after Kagome's departure came, Sango found herself moping by the remnants of the night's fire long after they should have set out. Miroku said nothing, seemingly content to let her brood; she felt awful about having lied to Kaede about where they were going, and found herself wishing, with surprising ill-temper, that she had just told the truth.
She had known all along that Miroku was a bad influence on her, and realized just how far gone her sense of reason was, that she had actually listened to him when he told her to lie. This was supposed to have been an easy trip, a quick investigation. At least, that was what she had assumed.
But it seemed that nothing could ever be easy, or straightforward.
They had left the village early the previous morning, heading out past the demon's lair, and camped out in the forest when night fell. She wondered forlornly if traveling further afield would yield any leads, or if it were all pointless, and the nightmares that had led them back here had been mere coincidence.
She knew that Miroku was trying to help, because he wished to assist her and for reasons of his own, but his presence was doing nothing to ease her nerves or to help her focus.
The reality was quite the opposite.
She knew what she needed to focus on, and every moment spent in his company was pushing her farther and farther away from that goal. Instead, she had been spending her time second-guessing every offhand comment, every incidental touch or glance, and not paying nearly enough attention to what was going on around her.
She frowned, but did not realize it until Miroku crouched beside her and pointed it out.
"Now, Sango, there's no need for such a sad expression," he teased.
She had not realized that he was so close, and started in surprise when he spoke. "I… er…" She struggled to find coherent words, even as she found his presence more flustering than usual.
There were many things she needed to say to him, but she did not know how.
Miroku sat next to her with a slight huff, and turned his gaze to the sky; far above them, blue peeked through the leaves of the trees that grew so densely all around. "It's getting late. We should head out."
Sango nodded even as hopelessness clawed at her soul.
-----
They searched for two more days without luck and as the second day drew to a close, Sango felt as if worry and shame were going to devour her whole. Even if Kaede and the others had believed her lie, they would discover her deception soon, if they had not already.
Miroku interrupted her thoughts when he noticed her expression turning melancholy or sour, but the sound of his voice did little to settle her mood. She guided Kirara up above the trees, the two of them scouting all around from their vantage point on her back as they rose higher and higher above the forest. Sango's eyes scanned the tree covered countryside, but her mind was elsewhere, playing and re-playing events of days past.
The way Miroku had held her so gently in the demon's lair…
The strange sense of calm and acceptance that had followed…
She had been happy. Confused, but pleased. It had felt like they might be making progress in the right direction, and that at last she would be able to settle her feelings for him and focus on their quest.
But then, the next morning…
He had… apologized.
And she… she had let him.
He had finally done what she had desired for so long - he'd touched her without groping, without letting his hands stray, without making a perverted comment - and she had let him apologize for it.
It seemed she could no longer go a day without making some terrible mistake.
Sango hung her head.
"There!"
She turned to look in the direction Miroku was pointing. Far away, so much so that she could barely see it, was a massive dead tree, surrounded by a wide clearing so that it almost stood alone. Sango frowned.
"That looks suspicious," Miroku added.
"It does. Do you think we should -" She trailed off, uncertainly.
"Yes, Sango?"
She glanced toward the horizon, where the sun was slowly setting. "It's getting late. I think we should make camp, and check out that tree first thing in the morning." As Miroku shifted to follow her gaze, she turned to look back at the dead tree.
It was probably nothing - it had to be nothing, nothing more than her imagination, at least - but something about that tree kept drawing her attention. She hadn't even noticed it until Miroku pointed it out, but now she couldn't seem to get it out of her head.
"It's not a bad plan," Miroku was saying, though she barely heard him. "Best not to be out in unfamiliar territory in the dark."
Kirara seemed to sense her mistress' preoccupation, and headed back in the direction they had come from, seeking the stream they had camped beside for the previous two nights. By the time they found a promising clearing, Sango had managed to clear her head a bit, and she was able to help Miroku with the fire and their dinner without feeling too out of sorts.
Still, something bothered her, even as they eased from small talk into almost-comfortable silence. It was an uncomfortable feeling that made her blood burn and tightened her chest.
That tree was calling her.
She stared into the small fire and knew that this tree, and whatever it was that was drawing her to it, would only bring trouble.
And the chill she felt, deep in her bones, made her certain that she did not want Miroku to get involved in this. She glanced at the monk surreptitiously and felt a twinge of guilt.
How could she tell him that she needed to go alone?
-----
It had been quiet for so long that Miroku had decided to make the most of the opportunity and had actually slipped into a light meditation. He heard Sango and Kirara move off into the trees, presumably so Sango could change into clothing more comfortable for sleeping without fear of being spied on.
He sighed, and wondered if the day would ever come that she did not find his appreciation to be repulsive. And yet, even as he wondered that, he had to fight the urge to go and do exactly what she thought – and feared - he would do. He felt vaguely as if he could not win, no matter what he tried. While he had done nothing, lately, to earn her distrust, she was still skittish around him.
For some reason he had thought that a marriage proposal would solve that problem; after that failed he'd tried - with little success to date - to play it her way, and try his best not to touch her or otherwise bother her. She'd finally given him some hope that his attempts were not entirely unwanted, and then he'd gone and apologized for it anyway.
Somewhere along the line, he'd lost his nerve. He'd become utterly afraid of pushing her away, of losing her…
"I… I can't accept your help in this."
Miroku looked up, startled at the sudden outburst after nearly an hour of silence, and frowned. He had not heard Sango return, and had no idea where this vehemence had come from. "Why not? I have merely been following you."
"Because… this is something I have to do on my own. I –"
"Would you have allowed your fellow demon slayers to assist you?"
She looked away. "You are not a demon slayer," she answered finally. Miroku sighed. He knew what she meant. It was a matter of honor for her, and she did not want to rely on another person in her quest for vengeance. Still…
"That has never been a hindrance to us in the past," he pointed out. In fact, he had often - but secretly - marveled at their teamwork, despite their vastly different fighting styles and training.
"I know…"
"Then why is it a problem now?"
"This… there's something strange at work here." Sango seemed worried, and struggled to find the right words. "I… This place is giving me a bad feeling. I don't want to… I can't put you in danger again."
Even as Miroku's temper flared, he had to force himself not to laugh. She wanted to leave him behind while she went into battle, to keep him safe. How many times had he done just that to her, and thought nothing of it? And he had no doubt that, given the chance, he would continue to put himself in harm's way to spare her. He could not exactly fault her for feeling the same, although he would have liked to.
"I understand the sentiment, Sango," he said, doing his best to sound placating, "But I think it would be best if we stuck together."
"I couldn't bear it if I put you in danger again, and you suffered because of me."
He chuckled. "Ah, so you see my predicament." When she frowned questioningly, he continued, "I convinced you to return and investigate, if you remember."
She looked angry, though he could not say if she was more upset with him - or herself. After a tense moment, she calmed, and her expression shifted from anger to melancholy. "It feels like this was inevitable… But we still haven't found anything definite."
"We'll find it. Together," Miroku said, trying his best to maintain his patience. "We just have to keep looking. I'm certain we're getting closer to the answer. That dead tree – it's enormous. It has to have something to do with this."
Sango glared, ignoring what he had said. "Inuyasha and Kagome will be on our trail soon, if they aren't already."
Miroku shrugged noncommittally. There was not a whole lot he could do about their companions at this point. "I do not see why you are so upset about this."
"I lied to Kaede about where we were going. I've been lying to Kagome all along. Don't you see that this is a problem?" As if suddenly realizing who she was talking to, she added, "Never mind. You wouldn't understand."
Miroku frowned, his tenuous grip on patience and understanding snapped. He tried to keep the anger from his voice, but the look on her face told him she knew she'd gone too far. "You can't keep pushing everyone away, Sango. We just want to help you. I just want to help you."
She had nothing to say in response to that. Regret washed over her and stilled her to silence.
"I didn't come all this way to see you fall."
"I know that," she said finally, her voice quiet. "A-and I'm sorry."
Miroku resettled himself, shifting to lean more comfortably against the tree behind him. He tipped his head back, letting his eyes close. "I can't even begin to imagine what you've been feeling about all this, Sango."
"I've been such a burden lately," she sighed. She moved, coming to sit next to him, sitting easily within reach. He had to wonder if she'd done that deliberately. "I made you come with me all this way…"
He smirked. Could she have forgotten already that he was the one that had talked her into coming back? His expression sobered when he realized that this was Sango and yes, she had probably managed to convince herself that the whole mess was her fault. "You didn't make me do anything. I followed because I want to help in any way that I can."
"But –"
He inched ever so slightly closer to her. She still wasn't looking at him, and seemed to be ignoring the fact that she had only returned after he persuaded her to do so. Kirara mewed, appearing out of nowhere to sprawl across Sango's lap. Teasingly, he said, "You shouldn't blame yourself for the loyalty of your friends."
"It's just… this is all my fault. If I'd been paying more attention –"
Even in her fit of melancholy and self-doubt, she looked beautiful in the firelight. Miroku struggled to focus, and had to consciously keep his hand from inching toward her. "Sango, it is not your fault. That demon could have chosen any one of us as its prey, and the result would have been the same."
"I've let you all down."
He smiled, genuinely this time, and reached over to gently squeeze her hand. She even smiled a little at the reassurance; he wondered absently if he would find himself apologizing for this, too. "The only way you could let us down is if you stopped fighting."
Sango's grip tightened on his hand, squeezing back for a moment before she slipped away. "We'll go together, then, first thing in the morning."
It was not quite a question.
Miroku nodded, and it seemed the matter was settled.
As the night deepened, Sango bedded down against Kirara, who transformed into her larger form to serve as both a pillow and a source of warmth against the chill. Miroku took up a spot near a tree not far away. The camp was peaceful as they prepared themselves for the day ahead.
And much, much later, when the monk finally slept, the slayer crept out of camp and into the dark.