InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Impurity of Selfishness ❯ Return to Experience? ( Chapter 5 )

Ok, I'm back yet again. Sorry I was wrong about the update time. I really meant to update sooner but I got sick- I know yet again. I got bronchitis and then as I was almost over that, I got the nasty stomach flu that was going around. I know- I just feel so incredibly susceptible to disease right now. I had a lovely issue with my good friend and so I'll have great stuff to work into this. I have been working on an epilogue actually for this story but tonight I got inspired to finish what I had started of this chapter. I'll prolly edit it just a tad bit but at least it's up. I'm going to Hawaii on Thursday for 12 days and I can't bring my computer due to airport security hassles… eww… yeah I know… so I won't be able to update at all, but I will be working on the story nonetheless.

 

cherrymecha, Angelstars and Classic Cowboy: Thanks for reviewing, you guys! Yeaa!!! I love you forever!!!! I told you I would now didn't I? -_^ Yeah I know what you mean about Kagome acting kinda weird, but it'll all continue to become more and more clear and I have a twist planned on it too. I will also try and put it in Kikyo's letter in the next chapter, when we're gonna hear some of Inuyasha's thoughts. <grin>

 

On to the story then…

 

Pt 6: Return to Experience?

“Love seeketh not Itself to please, / Nor for itself hath any care; / But for another gives its ease, / And builds a Heaven in Hells despair. // So sang a little Clod of Clay, / Trodden with the cattles feet; / But a Pebble of the brook, / Warbled out these metres meet. // Love seeketh only Self to please, / To bind another to Its delight: / Joys in anothers loss of ease, / And builds a Hell in Heavens despite.”

- William Blake, The Clod & the Pebble from the Songs of Innocence and Experience

“Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point.”

- Pascal The heart has its reasons, whereof reason knows nothing.

 

It's amazing to me how much we want to believe in the power of time. Time, in itself, changes nothing; however, life changes through other mechanisms over periods of time. Love does not die simply because of time as a concept; the feelings go on and on. If the people feeling love change or change how they see or love the other, then the situation changes. In my innocence I thought that time changes circumstances but through horrible, but precious experience I know that to be false. Yet we are still mixtures of innocence and experience. After all, do we define innocence as lack of experience or lack of common sense/knowledge? No, innocence is not the lack of, but is simply possessing the capacity for knowledge. Innocence isn't a form of ignorance because experience doesn't always make us act more wisely- instead through experience we are more aware of the circumstances of our choices. Carpe diem- seize the day and make the most of the precious time and love you possess!

 

 

Sango and I sit around the last glowing embers of the campfire. A few feet away, Miroku tries to listen unobtrusively to our conversation about love, but we barely notice him. I sigh in frustration and resign myself to this now-unavoidable discussion. She moves closer to me and leans forward to look deeply into my eyes.

 

“Well, you want to know about my love; that's logical. I have told you so many times but I guess that makes no difference now.” I sigh and then smile ironically. Why is it so hard for me to respond to such a simple question? I used to say that nothing is ever easy, especially love. I mentally bash myself to include Sango in my thoughts. “Well, Sango-chan, I admit that I had hoped you remembered more. When I was talking with Kaede-baa-chan earlier, she also seemed to think I was in love with Inuyasha. Sadly, we also discovered that my memory has lapsed with regards to my boyfriend as well. I can't even remember his name!” Embarrassed by this confession, I turn bright red. I take a breath to continue. “My past with him seems rather fuzzy, but I am sure that it'll all come back to me soon.” I sigh and shake my head hopefully.

 

She studies me gently. “Kagome-chan, I'm sorry that you're having trouble remembering your boyfriend. That must be incredibly frustrating for you. Still,” She stops to twist a bit of hair around her forefinger, “what do you remember about him?”

 

After a moment of confusion, I managed to sort out some of the details. “Well, I remember that he transferred into my school a couple of years ago. He's a year ahead of me and so he was not in any of my classes. When he first arrived, all the girls practically swooned at his feet, but he never showed any interest in any of them. I know for a fact that all my friends had major crushes on him, but I never thought all that much about him at first. Certainly, I agreed that he was attractive, but I did not know him.

 

“I did not meet him until I literally ran into him on my way to class the next year, about a month before my 15th birthday. I remember it as if it happened only yesterday… As I walked down the hallway, I felt my arm bump into someone else. Instantly, various papers flew everywhere and I almost fell to the ground. His arm reached out and steadied me. At that moment, we looked into each other's eyes and time seemed to stop. His light touch on my arm felt so normal, and yet so different. As the last of the papers floated to the ground, the realization hit us, but we did not need to say anything. We simply smiled and held hands for a moment before going off to class.” I could feel my eyes sparkle as I become more and more flighty.

 

Sango nods and half-smiles. “Wow, that's an amazing story. You two were together from that point on?”

 

I acquiesce. “We are practically inseparable when I am home. He is so jealous that he can't come with me to protect me- in fact, he jumped into the well with me once, but it didn't work. Oh well.” I shrug with a laugh.

 

She quietly giggles and gives me a small smile. “It sounds like your memory is coming back.” I blink and consider. Yes, she's right. I am remembering some details. It's amazing that I could have forgotten any of this. Before I remembered, I felt so insecure and hesitant. I unconsciously assumed it was just me, but now I realize it was the amnesia. Still, this is so weird; everything feels like a dream. Well, the whole idea of transporting back and forth between worlds, looking for pieces of a jewel and fighting youkai is surreal. This begs the question: what is real- maybe that doesn't matter. If I perceive it to be, it must be correct by my frame of reference. I shake myself back into reality.

 

I smile at the young demon hunter. “I do remember more and I feel somewhat better- thanks for listening to me.” Even as I feel better, I feel slightly disturbed, as if something is wrong. I hope everyone's alright. I search for Shippo and Miroku only to discover that they both are fast asleep. It looks like Miroku finally gave up on our conversation. Everything seems to be in order. My thoughts are silenced by an involuntary yawn. Sango only nods to me and bids me goodnight. I smile and give her a quick hug.

 

“I think that's our cue to go to bed and get some sleep, Sango-chan.” She nods and we both stand up and get ready for bed.

 

Quietly she responds, “I agree, Kagome-chan. I'll see you in the morning.” Under a cloudless sky, we all sleep in the spring air.

 

 

 

Under the cool breath of night, Kaede sleeps in her hut. She lies down beside the dying, orange embers of her fire and in the distance, the breeze frolics almost magically. Her usually restful sleep is interrupted by a strange dream, but not just any dream, perhaps a warning or a premonition…

 

***The spring cherry blossoms fall softly and Kikyo runs towards Kaede, who is young yet again. Kaede runs with her older sister through the fields as they used to fifty years ago; the scene is peaceful. In a nearby tree, she can barely make out the half-hidden shadow of a hanyou, Inuyasha. Since she is with her sister, Kaede does not fear the unpredictable half-youkai who hunts the Shikon no Tama, but instead senses her sister's great pity and compassion for the creature. The miko and miko-in-training look up and wave in a gesture of acknowledgement to receive a “keh”. Without another word or gesture, he leaps away to another tree. Kikyo and Kaede shrug and continue their business- to search for medicinal herbs to replenish their stores. After a little while, Inuyasha returns, but none of them bothers to comment; each knows but no one has any words to say. Kaede blinks at her older sister, who begins to stare off into space thoughtfully. Looking down at her sandals and then at her full basket, Kaede opens her mouth to speak.

 

“Kikyo-onee-sama, my basket is full; I'm going back to the village now to have some lunch, is that alright with you?” Kikyo slightly smiles and nods without comment. The little sister turns quickly and runs back towards home, the only home she has ever known.

 

As she leaves, Kikyo calls to Inuyasha to come down and share a little bit of lunch with her. Up in the tree with an obnoxious air, he does not bother to respond. Kikyo shrugs and sits down to eat at the base of his tree. Every once in a while, he glances down to watch her slowly take a bite and then delicately chew and swallow it. Quickly, he takes a deep breath and jumps down beside her, so close that they are almost touching. The look in her eyes is almost one of surprise, but a look that certainly warms the air around her. He looks into her eyes, transfixed by her beauty and gentle spirit. After a lengthy moment, they both look away and he sits down a foot away from her. Kikyo giggles quietly at Inuyasha's stubborn antics.

 

The scene wavers but seems to remain the same. The hanyou and dark-haired miko still sit side by side under a tree, but this time a single, golden thread, which neither of them can see, connects their souls. In the deafening silence, their hearts are beating in time- pounding in and out together as their lives are intertwined. The Shikon no Tama glows black-red and then a purity-arrow shatters both of their hearts and freezes their souls in time.

 

Beside the tree, the right lateral half of Kikyo now stands with her left side lost in blackest shadow. In her right bloody hand, the Shikon no Tama disappears into a cloud of red smoke. After the jewel's power completely wanes, the half-Kikyo descends into hell, with a gruesome half-smile of triumph on her face. She obliterated both Inuyasha, her once love, and her true self. Then the shock wave of dark energy bursts outward and destroys everything in close proximity to the scene. Kaede feels as if she is drowning in darkness, swallowing it and breathing it in, never to awaken again…. ***

 

Kaede wakes up in a sweat and sits up to catch her breath. She shakes involuntarily from the intense nature of the dream. This is not a foe they can fight with violence. Fight on, Kagome-chan- you are Kagome and we love you! Please come back to us!

 

 

 

Outside in the cool air, I am sleeping in my sleeping bag around the dying fire. I know my comrades are sleeping nearby and so I feel safe enough to nod off into dreamland. After all, why should I fear my dreams, which can only bring me back into the arms of my love? With a dreamy and contented grin on my face, I cuddle into my pillow and quickly fall asleep.

 

***I am at school and I can see my boyfriend holding his arms out to me. We are the only ones in the halls; everyone else is in class. Classes, what classes- this is my dream, after all! I don't need to go to class because I have perfect grades! What kind of sick person would I be to dream that I had to study? Ugh! No time for that type of thinking now, Kagome-chan, he's here! My heart bursts with gladness at seeing his face. His smile is so precious to me; my face flushes. I reach out my arms to him and yell exuberantly, “I love you, my darling!”

 

But then suddenly, Inuyasha is standing right beside him. I slow down immediately and stop in my tracks, a few steps from the two males. They both smile to me and reach out to pull me into their embrace. I look from one to the other uncertainly and bite my lip in silent confusion. As I look into their eyes, I can feel their overwhelming happiness at seeing me- simply from being in my presence. But why Inuyasha? Why are they both here? Less enthusiastically, I throw myself into my love's arms. I turn to yell “Osuwari” but then find that my love has disappeared into a thick mist just as I hear both of their voices echo in the distance… “Kikyo”...

 

I am now standing upon a platform with an arrow pointed at Inuyasha. He looks at me with hate and mocking. With only feelings of reciprocation, I shoot an arrow into his heart to seal him forever. After a moment, the spell is broken and I run to the tree and throw myself upon his unconscious body. I find myself covered in our blood. I gasp in sudden realization. I shot Inuyasha; how could I have done this to my friend? Why did I have to come back here and learn this? Everyone runs towards me and calls to me, “Kikyo, Kikyo-sama, Kikyo-onee-sama”….

 

After a few minutes of these painful echoes, my mind partially clears and I can see myself looking into a bloody mirror, no a bloody river, where our blood flows- Kikyo's, Inuyasha's and mine- and in the sluggish but moving current, I see myself looking at Kikyo and her glaring back at me.

 

“You are me; you are only me, what is your name, supposedly? No, you are my substitute, my reincarnation. I am Kikyo and you are me; I am you. Submit to your true nature; this is all you can ever be. Stop fighting me; stop fighting your true self. It is different on the other side. I can show you truth, your true self, our self. You can again be powerful and important; I can awaken the amazing potential that you have inside of you- that magic that is in our soul. All you must do is to submit to me, just give in…” I hear her voice coaxing me. I shake my head to refute these ideas and scream soundlessly.

 

The scene shifts again and I am wearing white and standing beside Inuyasha. We are getting married; my two worlds are one. Why am I marrying Inuyasha? Wait, that doesn't matter… Suddenly my dress is red, dripping with fresh blood. Between Inuyasha and I, Kikyo appears and holds his eyes with her own. He stares at her; her clingy, short dress is completely black with black sequins. His tuxedo and his eyes turn red and he takes her tenderly, but passionately in his arms and puts his lips to hers without a single word. As they kiss, the glowing red Shikon no Tama appears to light the way as the hanyou and his dead lover descend into hell together. My shock goes beyond words; the torture feels too horrible to be true. My heart shatters without possible repair.

 

The scene disappears into darkness and I find myself alone. I turn around in desperate circles, hoping that I will find someone. As I get dizzier, surreal images seem to dance in the distance. A primeval drum beat starts softly and slowly, but resonates throughout my mind and body. Though I cover my ears and try to shut out the sound, I cannot keep the feelings out. A relaxation that I have never known comes over my limbs and I begin to sway to the beat. The darkness seems to dance with me, pulling me and twirling me through the space. Moments later, nausea overcomes my senses at my loss of control. As I begin to fight once more, the darkness stabs my exposed skin and violently throws my body to the beat. Shadowy images call to me, “Kagome, give in.” I refuse and continue to fight. The macabre dance continues as my vertigo continues. More voices call to me in unison, “Kikyo, Kagome, Kikyo, Kagome-sama, Kikyo-sama… you are me. I am you. Come with me, Kikyo… it is more beautiful on the other side, Kikyo…” At the last moment, I scream as loud as I possibly can and shake the commanding beat and voices.

 

“No! Shut up! I am Kagome! Ka-go-me, not Kikyo! I am more than a replica; I am more than your reflection! I have my own feelings, my own soul, my own heart, my own love and my own life!” ***

 

I awake in a sweat, but find that the others are all still fast asleep. The dream is still vividly painful and yet completely unclear. All I can remember is that I was screaming my own name as loud as I possibly could… Now that the nightmare is over, I want to see Inuyasha. I somehow feel that he can make me feel better or that I miss him… I wish he was back from wherever he went; he always knows how to make me feel better and how to make me laugh. A mission having to do with his family? That sounds strange to me, maybe I should ask Kaede-baa-chan about it. Oh I can smell her cooking breakfast even this early in the morning- how wonderful a good meal would be right about now… and I totally forget about my dream.

 

 

A/N- Another chapter finished and posted- praise the Lord! Ok please, please, please review, you guys. I also have a little question: what should Kagome's love's name be? He is not Inuyasha but is just a small OC that I am putting in and I didn't know what the name should be because I don't know that many Japanese names and I'm afraid anything I choose might come across as extremely fake or weird, since it'd be from another anime and that just has all kinds of issues connected with it. Anyway, more to come- Inuyasha's thoughts, a dream, the contents of the letter so please stay tuned! Thanks minna! ^_^