InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Impurity of Selfishness ❯ The Control Needed to Survive ( Chapter 15 )

Greetings my wonderful and ever-patient readers! I know it took me a little while to get this up and I apologize. I kept waiting and waiting and I just got more and more behind. I guess I got a little nervous because I know how important this chapter really is. Also, I had bronchitis and then I caught the dreaded Norwalk virus, a plague that is sweeping nastily through Atlanta and also through my entire family. The worst part is that you can get it again after you have already survived its terrors. Ok, it's not that bad- it's basically a day of nausea but when I get nauseous I usually end up in the hospital- I have always been that way. When someone heard that once, they asked if it was alcohol related and I honestly almost laughed my butt off. Of course it's not alcohol related- I have had this problem since I was 2 years old or so. Oh well, that was more than you wanted to know I'm sure- but I figured that you all deserved a good explanation for the tardiness of this update!

 

Angelstars- Yeah I know what you mean- he totally thought that her friends were talking about someone else other than him and it's just sad. More answers only brought more questions… poor thing! I am planning to read your fics- I appreciate you reading mine so much and I want to because they look truly interesting. I thought it might be kind to go ahead and get another update up first.

Classic Cowboy- Ok I know you didn't review this time but I wanted you to know that I am also planning on reading your first IY fic soon- just like I told Angelstars, I wanted to get this late update up first.

IceRayven- I hope that all connections will be made and all questions will be answered but hey, I have ADHD(focusing mostly in attention not hyperactivity) so knowing me, there will be a few minor adjustments made. I always end up finding some annoying grammatical error and fixing it right after I put up the chapter, but it serves me right. I am planning on e-mailing you tomorrow- I just wanted to get this chapter up if I possibly could. Since I was sick, it made it rather difficult.

Matal- I am glad that you are enjoying the plot- I was hoping that it wasn't becoming boring or overdone! ^_^

Nankinmai- You will find out why everything is happening very soon!

DiLLiRgA- Don't worry about not reviewing- it's all good. I'm just glad that you are still excited! Your patience will soon be rewarded.

 

 

Pt 16- The Control Needed to Survive

(The origin of this chapter name is in my past- it was an e-mail I wrote to my first love… a looong time ago. It was <looks it up really quick> (yes I saved it. <sweatdrops>) March 28, 1999! AHHHH it was almost four years ago!!!!!!!!!!!!.)

“Even if I love you so much that I shatter myself, not even a third of it gets across to you. These innocent emotions run around in circles. It can't even say I love you… my heart. A long, sleepless night whispers my feelings for you- that is indeed what love means. The wavering pulse that speaks to me endlessly turns into a sigh with a slight fever. Give me a smile and shine days with your smile- it's good I can overcome the cold nights that would freeze me…. I will get past any hurdle, no matter how difficult or complicated.”

- a translation of 1/3, Rurouni Kenshin (Ok I know that I already used one RK song quote but so what? I wanted to use this one as well- it kinda fits!)

 

Warm breezes caress the sleeping friends during the nighttime hours. The moon, partially hidden behind a group of misty cirrus clouds, shines enchanting light upon the world below. As the celestial spheres turn ever round and round, the terrestrial realm also continues its cycles and life goes on. In the distance, the white ashes of wood-burning fires begin to turn colder as their fuel supplies diminish bit by bit. For the most part, this side of the Earth sleeps peacefully.

 

Yes, for the most part that is true, but not completely- one confused, lonely hanyou is awake with only his illusive thoughts to comfort him, in the middle of the night. He still has the jeans and t-shirt on as he watches time pass him by in the tree beside his sleeping friends. You'd know that I would be the insomniac of the group. He sighs tragically. Or maybe it's because I'm a youkai, err, hanyou. Still, Kirara and Shippo are happy little campers tucked away and they are youkai! Yeah Shippo has no trouble sleeping whatsoever- that little brat! Golden eyes dart towards the aforementioned kitsune who is curled up in Kirara's tail.

 

Next to them, Sango and Miroku are sleeping against the same tree, but on opposite sides. Inuyasha watches during the night as they unconsciously move closer and closer to one another. With an amused look, Inuyasha tries to keep himself from bursting into unrestrained laughter. It looks as if they really did have some developments earlier today! I guess that they had a talk or something, but no matter. All I have to say is- it's about damn time! Yeah, they may finally be getting a clue. Sheesh, and people think that I am stubborn and dense, well, ha- look at them! He shakes his head. I must admit that Miroku does not always help the situation with that lecherous hand of his… or with his pervasive questions to women about bearing his child. I can't blame Sango for using Hiraikotsu to bash his brains in for that; if it wasn't so funny to watch, I might join in sometimes. Must he always be so predictable? With yet another shake of his head, Inuyasha further examines the houshi. Yes, even now I can see his peaceful and satisfied smile- and it's weird that the serene look never vanishes, even when livid women injure him. Sheesh, you think that he could pretend to be sorry or something! Or maybe it's worse- maybe he enjoys the pain! Who knows?

 

Inuyasha shakes his head and sighs. It gets really tiring to see it over and over. The annoying voice returns… what about when Kagome says osuwari? Don't you think that they get tired of seeing you heading towards the ground? On second thought, they probably laugh their butts off because you deserve it… He frowns. I do not deserve it, but that damned wench just doesn't understand sometimes! The voice fires back in annoyed tone. Oh give it up, Inuyasha! You are even denser than they are! A rustle of spring green sod interrupts his fighting thoughts, so he focuses on his immediate surroundings again. All is quiet in the camp near the village, but there has been one minor change. Sango has put her head on Miroku's shoulder in her sleep and as a result, they both smile softly.

 

The scene is peaceful and happy, but Inuyasha knows that it will not remain that way when both of them wake up. Still, his heart twinges slightly at the sweet, precious happiness shared by his friends. Things just are not that simple anymore… if they ever were. Shouldn't I be happy? I have Kikyo… and I love her. What could be simpler than that? The voice nags… Oh right Inuyasha- she's freaking dead, ok? How fun or simple, as you say, is that? She has ceased to be! (A/N- think Monty Python and the dead parrot skit! ^_^) She has bit the big one- she is a walking corpse! Both Sango and Miroku are alive, so maybe you can't compare the two, don't you think? Still, you pretend that things are simple for them? Don't be so damned self-absorbed! Everyone has their own problems, so don't go and make such comparisons- you will never win and you will only get upset over irrelevant things due to such unfair comparisons.

 

Meanwhile, Inuyasha clenches his fist and attempts not to bang on his tree in his anger. So, as the voice finally finishes its diatribe, he begins to defend his bruised pride. I am not getting upset, nor am I self-absorbed. I know Kikyo is dead- how could I possibly forget that fact? I can smell her- the cold, uninviting scent of dirt when she comes near. The voice smirks. Oh and that's a good reason to go for Kikyo number two?

 

Inuyasha fumes… Don't you ever call her that again! She has a name, a beautiful name… Kagome. In response, he looks at the young woman whose clean, sweet smell wafts up to tease his sensitive nose. He flashes back to the moment in time that he met her… as she had defiantly refused that she was Kikyo and that she was instead Ka-go-me. He had been mistaken… and yet he had mercilessly compared her to Kikyo… and insulted her by saying that Kikyo was more beautiful than she was, when he knew that to be untrue. Still, she is the reincarnation of Kikyo… That is not why I, uh, care about Kagome. She is different from Kikyo; I know it, despite what she thinks. I love her kindness, her strength, her compassion and her immensely courageous spirit; I feel at ease with her. The voice sighs… Is that not what love is, Inuyasha?

 

Love… I don't know what it is, if I ever really will. He sighs and smiles gently at the one who captured his heart. A moment later, his reverie-filled eyes clear and he sees her as she truly is. At that moment, Kagome is severely shivering in her sleeping bag. Although she is still sleeping, he becomes increasingly aware that she is having a bad dream. His arms ache to hold her and his heart twists not to be by her side in her time of need. She looks so pale and cold… he notices she begins to thrash around on the ground.

 

Moments later, she moans and whispers his name… The realization quickly rushes over him with warmth. He blushes and the raging fire of concern that seizes him begins to reach a critical stage. Tossing and squirming in evident anguish, she holds her head in her hands. Unable to stay where he is, he leaps down quietly and crouches next to her. Meanwhile, she is repeating his name over and over… and shivering uncontrollably.

 

She's freezing; she is so pale! He puts his hand to her hand is shocked by the coolness of her skin. Something is wrong; this isn't normal… but how can I help her? A fire will not be warm enough fast enough and I can't put her close enough to the fire, in case her sleeping bag accidentally catches on fire. He lies down beside her sleeping bag and pulls her towards him to warm her up. Immediately, his skin tingles and his blood starts moving faster. As he feels his warmth surrounding her and filling her body, he relaxes to a point. Still, she continues saying his name and finally stops shivering. He smiles and rests with her as she falls into deep sleep. Inuyasha joins her in her dream....

 

 

Kagome stands alone in a white space and looks around at the blankness… and everything begins to go dark as she continues to stand there and wait. What are you waiting for, girl? Inuyasha comes up to her, but only listens to the voice that speaks into both of their heads. Kagome does not realize his presence. The voice continues… Why do you delay? Kagome wonders what is true in this place. What is real, Kagome? Dare you be yourself? How could you let this happen to you? Why do you slip deeper and deeper into something so false- because it's comforting? Can you not bear to see the difficult truth displayed in reality? Do you even recognize what is and what is not real? Without warning, other thoughts break through Inuyasha and Kagome's heads…But beware placing blame, Kagome…there's a saying those that live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones… and at that moment, a huge glass heart appears before them.

 

In the cold, red light, the heart shatters unknowingly and yet everything remains the same. The solid feeling of the heart remains but the shards create two paths before them. A voice comes from inside… There are two paths before you and what do you choose? You are not just a victim- dare you use your power? If you open your eyes, will your worst fears manifest themselves? Kagome wonders… If I open my eyes, will you be there with me to protect me or are you lost to me forever simply because of my cowardice?

 

Inuyasha feels her unspoken questions and uncertainly puts his arms around her. “Kagome, I will be there for you… but will you stay where you are simply to protect yourself from the possibilities? I will be there for you no matter what happens, don't you believe me?”

 

Out loud, Kagome questions herself. “What I fear most…” Do you not remember? I'll show you…

 

Suddenly a ghostly and frightening image returns and she sees Kikyo and Inuyasha descending into hell together as they kiss. An echo of Inuyasha smiles at Kikyo , then turns to Kagome to explain… “Kagome, I have to go. I love Kikyo, not you. You will never be Kikyo.”

 

Inuyasha screams at her, but she only hears him as a voice in the background. “You will never have to be Kikyo, Kagome… come back to me! I love you for who you really are! Despite that, what about Kisho?”

 

Kisho… An image of Kisho appears, but his face is shaded. Barely thinking, Kagome runs to his side. Inuyasha watches her go sadly. Slowly, Inuyasha comments, “Does he truly make you happy, Kagome? That is what I want for you, you know.”

 

Kagome cuddles into Kisho's chest and closes her eyes as if to savor the memory, but a tear runs down her cheek and touches Kisho… and she falls through him as he becomes transparent.

 

Inuyasha catches her with his waiting arms. “Kagome, is this real? Can you hear me this time? Do you now know the truth or is this all an illusion?” A voice in Inuyasha's mind answers, “What is real, Inuyasha?” He shrugs, but Kagome looks into his eyes and smiles. He looks at her and says, “I don't know what is real, but I hope that this is.”

 

Kagome grasps Inuyasha tighter. Oh Inuyasha, I was so afraid of becoming obsolete, or of always being obsolete- that you could see through me. Inuyasha, what is your dream?

 

“My dream… I want you to be happy and I wish that you would never cry again in sadness, no matter what that means for me.” His words echo in the space and the curtain closes again. Then they fall into deeper sleep and then have another dream together.

 

The sun is shining and their worlds are one. This is the day of which they have both dreamt- their wedding day. Everything worked out for the best. Naraku was defeated in a dark blaze thanks to the cooperative efforts of Inuyasha, Kagome and their friends. Although they feared that the two worlds would not be connected any longer once the Shikon no Tama was complete, they rejoiced when they found out that they were wrong. Love and friendship were enough to connect the two worlds… and everyone rejoiced in the continuation of their contact. After all, why would it end? Kagome still had her job- to protect the now-complete Shikon no Tama. As for Inuyasha, he gave up his selfish desire to use the jewel to become a youkai, because of his love for Kagome and his friends. After all, everyone cares about him just as he is and as a result, he came to appreciate both sides of his nature.

 

As the merriment was about to begin, Kikyo shows up and begins laughing in an insane manner. She smirks at Kagome. “Did you think that I would allow something like this to occur? Your bright-eyed hope has been in vain, my dear reincarnation. Inuyasha made a binding agreement to be mine- and I made it a spell, one that cannot be broken.” She turns to Inuyasha. “Come now; come with me. You have no choice after all. If you had really loved her, you should have just come with me and then she could've been spared this retribution. Now, as you promised, we shall go to hell together.”

 

He frowns at the woman he used to love. “What about Kagome?”

 

Kikyo smiles in a frightening manner. “She will go into the darkness. You did not know the parameters of your promise, but you really should have known better, darling. She is mine now… as you are. Let us fulfill our destinies!” She beckons to him but Inuyasha and Kagome scream each other's names and try to reach each other but both are plunged into darkness…

 

 

They are both frightened by the dream and so they wake up, holding tightly to each other. Inuyasha looks at Kagome and she turns to look at him in the revealing moonlight. Entranced and still shaking, he gently brings her lips to his own. For a moment, she deepens the kiss before realizing what is happening. Consequently, she pulls away from him and stays still as she stares at him in shock. Without making any noise, she stands up and turns her back on him, yet she does not walk away.

 

 

Hearing the noise, Miroku and Sango wake up in each other's arms, but don't say much of anything to each other. They keep looking at each other but both try and pretend that they aren't. Sango, still being incredibly sleepy, stalks off and Miroku, depressed, follows her so that Kagome and Inuyasha can talk and so that he can talk with Sango.

 

Miroku calls out to her, “Sango, we need to talk about this. This wasn't what I had intended, Sango. I don't know what happened.” He shakes his head and hopes that she understands.

 

She hasn't gotten very far when she stops for a moment and turns to face him. “Houshi-sama, I don't know what you're talking about! How dare you lie to me like that! This is nothing more than another case of your lecherous nature showing itself!”

 

“What happened to Miroku? You called me that earlier, or don't you remember that?” She narrows her eyes at him and he sighs. “Oh Sango, if I had done this on purpose, wouldn't I be smiling as I always do? Please believe me when I say that I did not have any impure intentions towards you. Don't I always admit it when I make these mistakes? Certainly, I haven't always been a gentleman towards you and so I understand your skepticism.”

 

Realization dawns on her and she rubs her forehead. “Yes, you always have that look on your face and more than that, you never apologize for such behavior. I'm the one who's sorry. I jumped to conclusions… but I just don't know what happened… Miroku-sama. Oh what happened between Inuyasha and Kagome- I guess we should give them some time to talk.”

 

 

Inuyasha sighs. Oh I'm in trouble now. “I'm so sorry, Kagome. You looked so cold and I was afraid that there was something very wrong with you.” He can tell that she is crying. “Oh please don't cry, Kagome… I hate it when you cry.” She shivers and he goes over to her. Without thinking, he holds her from behind and nuzzles her hair. “Oh Kagome, please don't cry. I'm here for you; you're safe. I will protect you.” Then he whispers, “No matter what, I…” She catches her breath and he turns her around and puts one arm behind her and the other behind her head. “Kagome, I will confess everything to you now. You deserve to know the truth, no matter what is true for you.” As he says these things, she opens her eyes. Both of them hold their breath and yearn for each other. Without realizing what he is doing, he kisses her and tastes her salty tears upon her lips. He breaks away to wipe the tears from her face and then continues the kiss. Together, they swim in a sea of tenderness and the waves rise higher and higher over their heads.

 

He breaks the kiss and pulls her into the protective circle of his strong arms. “Oh Kagome, why did you have to be you? But you don't… no, not here, not for you… not me. Dear Kagome, you deserve better, much better than me…. so I want to remember us this way, Kagome.” At these words, she catches her breath and tries very hard not to burst into tears. After such warmth and wonderful feelings, he unknowingly throws a bucket of ice water over her heart, freezing the flowing life force in her veins. Her instincts take over as she pulls him closer and closer.

 

Kagome lowers her gaze slightly and examines the prayer bead necklace. She unwinds one of her arms from around Inuyasha's waist to play with the entrancing, purple spheres. Inuyasha sighs and looks past her, but pulls Kagome back to his chest. Though he cannot see it, the reflection of light in her eyes turns yellow and the pupils of her eyes quickly dilate. Adrenaline begins pumping through their veins as they hear the quick pulsing of each others' hearts. The young miko lets out the breath that she had been holding and nods.

 

Seeing the movement of her head, Inuyasha thinks that she understands what he is trying to say. “Thank you, Kagome. I don't deserve even this, but please let me remember…” Kagome slowly runs her fingers through his silken hair and reaches up to massage his sensitive white ears. In response, Inuyasha purrs in contentment and pushes up Kagome's chin with his index finger. Slowly, he begins to bring his face to hers once more. “Kagome, I want you to know that I…”

 

Kagome cuts him off by pressing her lips to his with a searing kiss. They wrap their arms around each other and hold each other tight. Their fervent kisses become more and more heated. Behind Inuyasha's back, there is a glowing gold light around Kagome's fingers. A split-second later, she roughly pushes him away and holds up deadly golden fingernails to his throat.

 

 

Review, review, please!!! I will be very, very appreciative and maybe I will write the next chapter of this one before I write the next chapter of CotS- it depends on my mood and the amount of feedback that I get back- but either way I will put it up soon, so don't worry. I do not wish to coerce people into anything- that's bad. The next chapter is entitled… I am everything inside of you that you fear…

 

Oh btw, if anyone is interested (and I doubt anyone is) in romance, suspense, action/adventure, historical fiction, bio-tech books- I would like to recommend The Plague Tales and The Burning Road by Ann Benson. I re-read The Plague Tales when I was sick and I read its sequel for the first time. They are incredible! Anyway, I had to put that in here, later everyone!