InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ In Death, Trust Me, as You Didn't in Life ❯ To Covet Her ( Chapter 10 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Chapter 10: To Covet Her

Kagome looked around at the place Sesshoumaru had led her to, a slight frown crossing her face. It was unfamiliar... she didn't recognize it at all.

"Um, where are we? I don't think I've been here before."

He glanced at her, unconcerned. "You haven't. This wasn't a meeting between us, and actually, this came before the episode with Kanna. Just before." He walked towards one particular tree, standing in front of it with a far-away look on his face.

"It is the place Tensaiga brought me after Inuyasha hit me with the windscar. It is here that I met Rin."

Understanding burst across her mind, then. "Ah. So you wanted me to hear your thoughts about her?" she asked, not sure why he'd want her to know about that.

"No. This isn't a stop for those reasons. I merely come here sometimes when I want to feel closer to her. We will leave in a few moments."

She smiled at him, touched. He really loves her... but then again, it is Rin we're talking about here. She's too adorable not to love.

Deciding to give him some privacy with his memories, she moved away, walking slowly along the path that appeared at her feet... he would find her when he was done.

I wonder what Inu no Taisho meant when he said that we don't have much time. Just how fast is Inuyasha going to get the answers? Maybe... maybe I should go to him directly in a dream. I've got to make him understand - I don't want to return to that life.

She sighed, then, looking around at the forest, enjoying the hushed quiet.

Am I just being selfish, though? I know... that they all miss me, especially Rin and Shippo - and Inuyasha still thinks he needs me. But is it so wrong to want something for myself now? I've given everything I had for them, including my life... am I now to give them my death, as well, and lose what I've only just begun to find?

Shaking her head, sadness swamped her as she thought about going back. I... really don't want to go.

She started when Sesshoumaru suddenly appeared by her side, and she growled at him. "I really hate it when you do that, you know."

He let a small smirk tilt one corner of his mouth. "This Sesshoumaru is aware of that."

She rolled her eyes. "So. Where to next, Oh Great Leader?"

He slanted a quick look at her, then turned his eyes back towards the path that they moved along. "The time that Inuyasha transformed and killed the moth demon and the human bandits. What do you remember of that?"

She frowned, looking thoughtful. "I remember all of it. When you came, I was getting ready to try to return the Tessaiga to him, to calm his blood." She shot him a tight look. "But you showed up and started a fight instead."

"Then that is the next thing you need to see. There was more to all that happened there than you were aware of."

Kagome shrugged, not really surprised. "Oh, goody. More things I was oblivious to. Sometimes I wonder just how much of life I missed out on because I blinked and missed it. Sheesh." She snorted. "No pun intended, of course."

Sesshoumaru eyed her. "Of course," he said dryly. "Come. I... do not know how much time we have left for our travels here, and there are still some things I wish you to see and hear... so that you know."

As he took her hand, she tightened her own around it, suddenly fearful that she'd be ripped away from him at any second.

"Sesshoumaru... I'm afraid. I... maybe I'm being selfish, but I don't want to go back! I want to stay... with you. Here." She looked down sadly as he frowned at her. "Is that wrong of me? To want something for myself... and not give him what he wants? Inuyasha, I mean."

He looked up at the canopy of leaves above them as they walked, a thoughtful expression settling on his face.

"Wrong?" he asked slowly, as though savoring that word on his tongue and considering it in all its meanings. "Tell me, miko... do you think that your presence would be helpful for my half-brother - or harmful?"

She looked taken aback at that question. "I... never thought about that. What do you mean?"

"To Inuyasha, you are as a mother would be. Like any child, he fears leaving you and growing up. Yet grow he must, or become stagnant - without life or purpose. In order to be fair to him, you need to let him go. This is something that you have done - but he has not reciprocated." He tightened his fingers around hers, and looked down at her.

"To want something for yourself is not selfishness, Kagome - especially when you have given so much more than what you have asked for in return. And even in this desire that you have for yourself, you would still be serving - still have a purpose above and beyond that desire. That of making him grow up and stand on his own."

Kagome nodded, understanding settling on her. "Tough love," she murmured, remembering something her own mother had said about that same subject once.

"A very appropriate phrase, miko. Sometimes love must be harsh."

She smiled up at him, then. "Thank you, Sesshoumaru. I'll think about what you said."

He bowed his head and looked her in the eye, holding her gaze for several moments.

His eyes... in his eyes, there's a smile!

---wWw---

"I... remember this place, this scene. It was so hard to see him like that," she said, sadly, as she took in the blood that literally soaked the ground around her. Her brow furrowed in pain, then, and she shuddered.

Sesshoumaru looked at her in concern. "What is it, miko? he asked softly.

"Remember how I told you that there are some places where the malice and hatred... the evil is literally soaked into the ground - how I avoid those places?" She gritted her teeth in pain as he nodded, frowning. "This is one of those places. Just... give me a minute. I'll... be okay."

"I must admit, I am... curious. This is something outside my experience, as I've never known another that could see the world in this way. Is it painful?"

"Very. This place... it screams in agony." She sighed in relief as she overcame the pain enough to raise her mental shields.

He cocked a questioning brow as her facial expression eased. "I've shielded myself... it doesn't completely shut it out, but it makes it... bearable, I guess."

"Shielded... you have the ability to put a barrier around your mind? Impressive... not many are able to do so." Sesshoumaru was surprised - although he shouldn't be, he reminded himself, after all, it was Kagome. Every time you got one part of her figured out, something else would come to your attention. She was a walking enigma.

She gave him a weak smile. "Yeah, well, being an empath, you either learn to shield - or you go insane. Imagine having to feel not only your own emotions, but the emotions of all other beings around you... and the emotions left behind that are attached to places, as well."

Sesshoumaru's eyes widened as her words sank in, and the idea disturbed him so much that he actually shuddered... slightly.

She laughed a bit as she saw that, wryly saying, "For you, that would probably be a death sentence, since you can barely handle even admitting that you have them... let alone having to deal with the rest of the world's emotions as well."

"Indeed. I must remember to thank kami for their... forebearance in not placing such a burden on me." He shook his head to clear it of the disturbing thought.

"It is time, miko. Pay close attention. There is something I want you to particularly hear in this meeting. Also, take note of when I arrived."

She nodded, looking curiously at the events now going on before her.

Okay, there I am, holding Tessaiga... and I'm about to approach Inuyasha. I remember he looked at me, then, only it was like he didn't see me, and all I could feel from him was the desire for blood. And... there! Just as I took a step towards him, Sesshoumaru showed up.

She frowned softly.

But what was so important about the timing?

She glanced at him, but he kept his gaze trained on the events being replayed in front of them.

"Listen, and you will gain the answers to your questions."

"Okay..."

'Foolish miko! Does she not realize the danger? He was about to pounce and kill her - he would have her blood on his claws... and still, she stays by his side. I do not understand her. She is... unknown. A cipher. She does not fit into what I have seen of this world, and the humans in it.'

"Hmph. Reduced to a monster that just fights, huh?"

'Bokuseno told me of this - father's blood is too strong for his mother's weak blood, and overpowers his mind. Eventually, his mind will be eaten away by his blood - and he would be lost forever, becoming something that only knows killing for it's own sake.'

He looked so sad, then, as though...

"Do not, miko." At her surprised look, he elaborated. "Do not ascribe that expression to feelings for Inuyasha. It was not he I worried for, then."

"Okay... I don't understand, but..."

"Continue to listen... you will."

"Prepare yourself, Inuyasha. Let's test the extent of your strength while transformed."

'Father's blood is strong - if he turns on his companions, on the miko... would she be able to defend herself successfully? I wonder...'

She shot him a shocked look. At that time, he was... worried... for me? But, it was so long ago, that this happened.

Even back then...

'Can he even think in this form? Or is he only a beast..."

Kagome remembered as Sesshoumaru drew Tokijiin when Inuyasha leapt at him, and she yelled for him to watch out - and Miroku yelled a warning about the kenatsu of the sword. At the last minute, Inuyasha struck, knocking the sword away... but still being sliced. She shuddered at the sight of the blood - and even more at the feel of the ground in this tainted place. It wanted the blood - reveled in it, and she almost gagged at the memories of its desire for more.

'So... he can hear them and understand what they are saying. I didn't expect even that much from him. But still, it is just a waste.'

"Hmph. A wasted effort."

She'd screamed then, as they fought, trying to get him to stop. Apparently, Inuyasha didn't hear her... but Sesshoumaru did.

'Inuyasha, don't you feel fear, or even pain? You truly will be destroyed without the Tessaiga. And I would not care. But... the miko would. For her sake...'

"How pitiful. I fully understand. Realize your own worth!"

'As much as it pains this Sesshoumaru to see father's blood brought so low, the Tessaiga will be left with you to keep you sealed. I will return you now to your normal form... for her sake, only. You are pitiful - and I have no need of such weakness.'

"Be like your half-demon blood and crawl on the ground!"

'I may spare you for her sake, but you will be laid low before me! It is the only way to purge the disgrace from myself - that I covet something that you have is not acceptable - and only your blood and submission will satisfy my own.'

Kagome winced as she watched herself run out to the fallen half-demon, and saw the look of hatred she'd thrown Sesshoumaru's way. She was shamed, now, as she realized that what he'd done, though bloodthirsty, in a roundabout way had been to protect her.

"He's finally stopped moving, huh?"

She flinched again as she heard herself yell at him.

"Stay away, idiot!"

'She cries for him, and shows hatred for me. And I... still covet what he has.'

'Her loyalty, the loyalty that she squanders on him. This fact... pains me. And I still do not understand why.'

"If you want to stop him, use the Tessaiga to undo the transformation. If he regains consiousness now, he'll attack again."

She remembered then, her surprise that he'd said that, and the reaction from Miroku.

"Earlier, you could have cut Inuyasha in two if you had wanted to, but you just blew him back with the kenatsu. Why did you hold back? I thought you detested Inuyasha."

'I... do not wish them to understand my weakness towards the miko. What can I say...'

"I'll kill him eventually, but at the moment, for someone who does not realize anything at all, killing him has no value."

It was surprisingly obvious in hindsight.

That's right... at that time, I remember... I wondered about it. He came to stop Inuyasha - because of me. And I never knew for sure, I thought it was for Inuyasha's sake.

But I missed it... it was for mine.

She blushed a bit, flicking a quick glance at him, and noted his gaze pinned to her past self. "Even back then... you protected me, and I never knew."

He tilted his head in acknowledgment. "Even back then," he said.

And there were so many more times, Kagome - times you never even knew you were in danger.

Even before I understood why I felt so compelled to do so, I never begrudged it.

I was... content, when I protected you.

---wWw---

Shippo had spent the day perched on Miroku's shoulder quietly. He knew the importance of what they were doing... but he wasn't sure how he felt about it.

He loved Kagome.

That wasn't ever a question, and he wanted her back with all of his heart and soul. It hurt that she didn't want to come back - it really did.

But.

And there was a but in there... a big one.

He wanted her to be happy, more than anything else on earth. She'd given up so much for all of them, and asked for nothing in return except their happiness. And according to Sango, Kagome was happy. That is what made it so hard for him... his need to have her with him again - versus his desire to see her happy.

I miss her so much, but I don't want to make her come back if it's going to make her unhappy. And it probably would, too. Because if she came back, even though Inuyasha is like this right now...

He'd go running back to Kikyou as soon as she was back, and leave her behind - again.

As long as he won't let go of either of them, all three of them are going to suffer. After everything he and Kikyou have done to Kagome, I don't care about them, but she deserves better than that. But what can I do?

Maybe... if he brings her back, and I can't stop him... I can help her, and protect her.

It's so little though - for the one who gave everything - all my efforts wouldn't be enough.

He sighed, miserably aware that Inuyasha's habit of getting into bad situations was about to strike again - and he knew he wasn't capable of stopping him - heck, not even Miroku and Sango, or even Kikyou could. The only one who'd ever been able to get him to see reason even some of the time was - ironically - Kagome herself.

Sheesh. I can just see it now... when she gets back, if she gets drug back, he's gonna get the mother of all sits. Won't that be funny?

He laughed to himself at that thought, he could picture it so clearly.

If he manages to find a way to make her come back, he's gonna be the one to be dead - because Kagome never did like anyone making her do anything...

Let alone Inuyasha. That's what always got him sat... and you'd think he'd have learned by now.

He eyed the half-demon running easily alongside Kirara, and shook his head.

What a baka.

---wWw---

"Sesshoumaru?"

He turned from his contemplation of the valley before him, a questioning look on his face indicating that he was listening.

"I want to do another dream walk tonight. This time... I'm going to hit Inuyasha directly." She let out an irritated sigh. "I know he's a stubborn, hard-headed baka, but dammit!"

The demon Lord shook his head, then turned his face back out to the landscape before them.

"Kagome... why are you afraid?"

"I... I'm not afraid... I just don't want to go back! I want to stay here with you. Is that wrong? Am I misunderstanding all of this? Don't you want to be with me, too?" Her voice rose in her agitation, and he sighed.

"Have I not said already that if you go, I would, also? Here, or there... does it matter, as long as we are together?"

At that, her brow creased in remembrance of an earlier discussion. "Can I... ask you something?"

He tilted his head, considering, then nodded.

"You told me that you would tell me at some point what your oath to me was, ne?" He didn't say anything, but he flicked her a quick glance. "Would you tell me - now?"

Sesshoumaru sat in silence for several minutes, the only sounds being the wind around them, before finally answering.

Softly, he said, "I swore that I would stay by your side for eternity - whether as a friend" he glanced at her again, a meaningful look on his face, "or as... more." Exhaling slowly, he finished, "It is your choice - always."

She blushed when she realized what he was saying.

Already, I want the... more. Friends with this demon will never be enough...

Not now.

---wWw---

A/N: Certain things are getting closer... like the trainwreck that Inuyasha's about to perpetrate. I love the poor boy, but he's so obstinate. (sighs)

I can't really mention all the reviewers by name, because that would go over my author's note limit, but to all those reviewing and following this story... all my thanks! I'm very honored that you all are enjoying the story - and just wanted to say that I do read every review, and will always try to answer any questions.

Amber