InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Interludes ❯ We Are Apart ( Chapter 8 )

Author's Note: Well, the Viz Manga doesn't go this far yet, so I've switched to the excellent translations by Chris Rijk (www.wot-club.org.uk/Inuyasha . I almost skipped this chapter, but in rereading it I really like this place in their relationship, a place where they are both aware of the basic conflict that is Kikyo, so I decided to finish it. Actually, I think my favorites are the one chapters just behind it and the next one coming up. Thanks to my reviewers, it really is easier to write when you know someone out there is reading! - Fano

 

Chapter 8 - WE ARE APART

(Chapter 282 & 283: InuYasha's True Feelings)

 

I followed slowly behind InuYasha as we wandered further from the miasma river where Kikyo had met her end, killed again by Naraku in his hatred of the feelings she had stirred in his ruin of a human heart. The strength in my legs was fading and I fell farther and farther behind the group. No one seemed to notice. Even InuYasha, who normally would give me a hard time, or carry me on his back. He wasn't even aware that I was behind him. He'd been staring blindly ahead since morning, letting Miroku lead.

 

Looking at his back, I saw what I'd seen in his face the last day and a half since he'd returned from looking for Kikyo's body in vain. Every step he took was full of tension and anguish. He was exhausted, being unable to sleep at all the night he went looking for her, and fitfully last night. I knew that because I had the same trouble.

 

I wasn't particularly surprised that InuYasha seemed so traumatized by the news that Kikyo had met her end, but I had to admit to feeling disappointed. The last months had been good between us. InuYasha seemed less conflicted by his feelings for Kikyo. We both were at peace with our quest together, to kill Naraku and purify the jewel once and for all. He and I had become quite a team, as had Sango and Miroku. The bad guys kept getting worse, but now that we were all working together so well, we were still taking them down. The evenings by the fire were pleasant too, warm friendship and lots of laughter. Even InuYasha laughed sometimes, and let me coax out his dry wit when he was in a good mood.

 

Those happy memories seemed far away right now. The grass under my feet was springy and soft, but it might as well have been gray and dead through the lenses behind which I viewed them. I guess I was a little surprised at how shocked and sad I was feeling. A small part of me remembered when I had wished Kikyo dead. The memory shamed me, but I had felt it. I did not feel it now. I felt sad, and the one person who might be able to comfort me was even sadder than I. He was so withdrawn in his torment that I couldn't reach him. We were both horribly lonely, only steps away from each other. The distance that had sprung up between us was becoming unbearable.

 

I thought for a minute about why I was so sad that Kikyo was gone. I realized with a little shock that she had become something of an auxiliary member of our team. Periodically, she helped us, and hadn't threatened me or InuYasha since giving the stone to Naraku. I still didn't understand her motives. InuYasha continued to defend her, but I could tell he didn't understand her actions either. Still, we all shared the same goal, to rid the world of Naraku's evil, and that made us compatriots. And she had loved InuYasha once …I understood that about her.

 

There was more to it, though, as I examined my feelings, I realized that I was so acutely aware of InuYasha's feelings that much of what I was feeling was his sadness. As I realized this, a small tear welled up and my throat ached. I let myself feel his pain for a moment, and was almost overwhelmed. He had sworn to protect her, to avenge her. This was as much a reason for his quest as reuniting the jewel ever had been. In fact, I was beginning to think that he didn't care much about the jewel anymore, this was all about avenging Kikyo so that he could put this whole horrible chapter of his life behind him and just move on. And now, nothing was resolved, He had appeared to fail utterly in protecting her, and wasn't even sure of that since he hadn't found her body. If the war wasn't over, Naraku had dealt us a serious blow on the battlefield, striking InuYasha in the heart as surely as Kikyo did all those years ago. But this time, InuYasha was alive to live every heartbeat of torment. God, I was so sad, feeling all this. How must he feel? How could he stand it? I wanted to run away and cry.

 

I knew what he needed, what we both needed, at that moment. He needed to go look again for Kikyo. He had to know. We both did. But, how long could that take? Where would that journey take him? I knew he wouldn't take me, and I wasn't sure I wanted to go.

 

I realized that the group ahead of me had run into a priest, and they were talking about something. I heard the word miko and saw InuYasha's whole body stiffen. I came up to where they were speaking. The priest's energy was strange to me, but I figured if anything was wrong, InuYasha would have smelled it.

 

“But she was quite badly injured,” the priest was saying, “it may be that her life has come to an end now.”

 

I could feel InuYasha's shock at this statement, even though his face was turned away from me. I knew what I had to do. It would be a little easier on him if I let him go myself.

 

“Go ahead, InuYasha,” I said it calmly and evenly, but I didn't feel calm or even at all. I felt shaky and uncertain.

 

“Kagome,” InuYasha said vacantly, as though some part of him was aware that this was difficult for me.

 

“This isn't the time to be indecisive.” My heart beat quietly in my chest as the silence hung briefly between us. I realized that that small little part of me that had once wanted Kikyo dead now wanted to give InuYasha a test. He needed to go off and try to resolve this with Kikyo if he could. If he came back to me, we could be together again. If not, well …

 

“Yeah,” he said, not able to meet my eyes for long before looking away, “I'm sorry.” He took off with a swish. Those last few seconds looking in his sad golden eyes told me; he knew it was a test, and he wasn't sure he was going to pass. I choked off a sob.

 

##

 

InuYasha

 

God, Kikyo! Are you alive?

 

I'm sorry, Kagome. Kagome's look of sadness haunted me as I rushed South where the old priest said he had met the injured Miko on the riverbank. I knew Kagome was letting me go so I wouldn't have to break away from her, saving us both a little pain at least. But right now, the pain of her sadness could not overcome my own. I was aching inside, tortured by guilt and shame.

 

I couldn't really think, just fragmented imagery running through my mind as my heart beat loudly in my ears and I scanned the air for any hint of Kikyo's scent. All I caught was the lingering smell of Kagome's hair, until finally it was gone and only the wind remained.

 

Why hadn't Kikyo let me protect her? Why hadn't I been able to sense the danger she was in? I blamed myself for not remembering that she, too, had been repelled by Mt. Hakurei's barrier, of course if I'd thought about it, I would have realized she was out there. Would I have still bothered going after Koga? As I ran, my mind wandered back to that noxious place where Naraku expunged his heart, all so he could go after Kikyo. In retrospect, I could see his purpose and damned myself for not putting it all together in time. Getting distracted with Koga played right into Naraku's plan. What a fool I was!

 

But Koga was alive because we did go after him. Much as the guy annoyed me, this fact still pleased me. I knew he was important to Kagome, and if I'd saved Kikyo and let Koga die, I'd be feeling guilty too.

 

Just not this guilty.

 

Damn Sesshomaru. That asshole could have helped, could have acted like a brother was supposed to, backing me up. Of course I knew this was a dead end, thinking Sesshomaru would ever actually consider me his brother - or think to back anyone up. Was I getting so lonely and desperate, I was thinking of Sesshomaru as family? Geez.

 

Kikyo. I need you to be alive. I need to know you're not dead because of my neglect. I can't live with myself knowing I've failed you.

 

The grass blew by, chased by the wind at my back, running on ahead of my churning legs. My body was numb. I must run until I find Kikyo, dead or alive. I must know.

 

Damn it.

 

Kikyo!

 

 

##

 

Kikyo

 

 

It is done.

Time flows through my soul once again.

You were not there. I was not ready.

 

Souls escape,

Leaving only my own to drift,

Clinging to its shell, floating, dying.

 

I will not

Let you die alone. Life, a sham,

Is still life if purpose is in it.

 

Tap the well.

Wall off the flow of time again.

Call the spirits to lift me from here.