InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ InuYasha No Baka: A Feudal Mishap ❯ Chapter 1 ( Chapter 1 )

~InuYasha No Baka: A Feudal Mishap. Literally~

 

~By: Yami 396~

 

Yes, yes, I know, I know! I should be updating my other stories instead of making a new one, but this idea won't leave me alone!

Those of you who are looking for a well written story with a plot and serious/romantic moments that bring tears to your eyes, and makes you think about life in general...please go away. This is a parody, and while I hope it is well written, it is made simply for me to poke fun of my favorite anime and provide you with some cheap laughs. Those with a sense of humor…please stay for the ride.

Think of it as one of those Scary Movie things, totally tasteless, yet too funny to resist. Rated for potty language and some sexual situations later on.

 

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A completely red clad figure flew through the air, lean muscles flexing under the baggy clothes making fangirls across the nation swoon in delight, long silver hair that those aforementioned would kill for swaying in the breeze, just waiting for fingers to be run through it…but I digress. The figure swiftly moved in the air, intent on reaching the line of trees just ahead, his precious cargo gripped tightly in his hands, not enough to endanger it, but just enough so that he wouldn't drop it. He had just cleared the rails that were years ahead in technology than what was expected in Feudal Japan when an arrow came whizzing through the air, followed by the cry:

 

“InuYasha!”

 

The arrow hit him in the shoulder, with enough force to drive him into the tree behind him. He let out an oath.

 

“Fuck!” he shouted as his precious cargo fell out of his momentarily stunned grip to bounce on the floor. The figure that shot the arrow glared at him.

 

“InuYasha,” it said sadly. InuYasha squinted at it; it was standing in the sun.

 

“Can you fucking move out of the sun, you asshole!” he yelled. The figure sighed and stepped sideways, and to the anger of InuYasha, and the horror of the fangirls, the figure turned out to none other than Kikyo.

 

“Will nothing ever purify that mouth of yours,” she scolded. “I thought you would have stopped by now, all the times I've had to purify you.”

 

“Shut the fuck up and let me go!” InuYasha yelled, struggling to break free of the arrow. He needed to get his precious!

 

“No InuYasha, I cannot. You have betrayed me,” Kikyo said gravely, holding her shoulder where blood spilled from the wound inflicted on her.

 

“Oh come on! So I stole it! Big fucking deal!”

 

“I trusted you!”

 

InuYasha was still struggling with the arrow. Despite all of his inhuman strength, he could not remove the arrow from his shoulder.

 

“You will never be able to break free from my enchanted arrow,” Kikyo informed him. “The only one that will be able to is my reincarnation, but she will never come here because the producers of the anime decided to make her act like a bubble-headed loon.”

 

“Bitch!” InuYasha yelled. “Let me go!”

 

“Be quiet InuYasha! This is my monologue!” Kikyo snapped. “You see! Now I've forgotten what I wanted to say…oh wait!” She stooped down to pick up InuYasha's precious. “All this for this one simple thing,” she said, looking sadly at it. “You betrayed me for my double cheese bacon burger. I can never forgive you for this!”

 

“I was hungry! You don't feed me!” InuYasha protested. He was starting to feel sleepy, the aftereffects of not eating for months.

 

“I told you before InuYasha. You need to go on a diet,” Kikyo said firmly. To InuYasha's horror, Kikyo sat down, forgetting about her bleeding shoulder, and began to eat the double cheese bacon burger. “This is really good!”

 

“You're gonna eat it in front of me!?” InuYasha yelled, snapping awake. Kikyo only nodded.

 

“Yes, this is your punishment,” she said standing up, licking her fingers clean of any remaining burger.

 

“It's my fault you think I need to go on diet!?”

 

“I know it's your fault.”

 

“Bitch! You've never seen me naked, so how the hell would you know!?”

 

“And who's fault is that?”

 

“Where the hell are you going!” InuYasha yelled over to her as she walked away. Kikyo sighed.

 

“I have to leave InuYasha. Go to sleep,” she commanded.

 

“Like hell I will! Let me go!”

 

“Look InuYasha!” Kikyo snapped, patience wearing thin. “I have to go now. You see those people over there? I have to go die in front of them and my little sister, scarring her for life. Okay? Now go to sleep!” InuYasha knew better than mess with her when she was angry, and gave in to the feelings of sleepiness that were washing over him, eager to get away from the throbbing pain in his empty stomach, and the headache that his conversation with Kikyo had brought on.

 

“Sister, you're hurt!” a ten-year-old Kaede exclaimed, looking up at her kneeling sister. “We must tend to your wounds!”

 

“And what horrid wounds they are! How did you get those?” another villager asked.

 

“I tripped down the stairs in front of the shrine,” Kikyo mumbled. “And no, you cannot treat them. I will soon pass into another realm.” She held out the burger wrapper. “Burn this with my body!” she instructed Kaede. Kaede looked at Kikyo in confusion.

 

“But sister! If you're dead, who will protect the Shikon No Tama?” Kaede asked. Kikyo rolled her eyes.

 

“Of all the damn things you could have brought up, you bring up that one,” she grouched. “Can't you look after it?” she asked Kaede. Kaede shook her head frantically.

 

“No, no I couldn't! You're the guardian of the Shikon Jewel! Besides, I'm not strong enough to kill the hordes of demons that come to steal it! And I have only one eye!” she cried. Kikyo glared at her.

 

“Fine! Burn that with my body while you're at it,” Kikyo snapped. “I'll take it with me to Hell. It's kind of pretty.” She shrugged.

 

“Forgive me for speaking my mind, but Kikyo-sama, aren't you a little lively for a person so close to death?” a villager asked. Kikyo looked at him, and then quickly fell down dead. “Oh, methinks I spoke too soon.”

 

So it was then that the legendary miko Kikyo met her doom from chasing after the hanyou InuYasha and falling down the several hundred steps that led up to the shrine. Let this be a lesson to all of you; never, never, never, never, ever chase a hanyou down a flight of stairs, even if he did take your double cheese bacon burger.

 

Kikyo was cremated, and InuYasha was carried off to the Goshinboku, where he was promptly searched for valuables by greedy villagers, (though they didn't find anything except for an ugly little black pearl, which they used to amuse themselves with playing catch with it until one of them accidentally shoved it into InuYasha's eye) where he stayed, pinned to tree for fifty years.

 

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“I'm so hungry!” A fifteen year-old girl proclaimed, setting down her tray on the nearest table at the local WacDonald's. Her friends quickly joined her, frowning in response to her statement.

 

“Kagome, don't you think that's a little much?” one, Yuka, asked.

 

“Huh?” Kagome asked, mouth full of food. Eri sighed.

 

“I know you love double cheese bacon burgers to death Kagome, but you can't expect to eat a whole tray full and stay healthy!” she snapped, waving her arms at the impressive display of burgers on Kagome's tray. It was true; the entire tray was a mound of burgers, all stacked together like some kind of modern-day pyramid made out of food.

 

“Look, we've been through this before,” Kagome said, swallowing her fourth burger whole. “I don't know why, but every time I see one of these burgers, I get this uncontrollable urge to eat it! I can't help it! It's like they call me to them or something!” She quickly began eating her fifth and sixth one simultaneously. Ayumi hid her face in fear.

 

“At least Hojo-kun doesn't see you like this,” Eri commented. Hojo was the school heartthrob, though his popularity with the fangirls was lacking. He was adored by all the girls in his school, and Kagome harbored mixed feelings about him. It wasn't that he was bad looking or anything, but he was a health-food nut, and he didn't like burgers, especially double cheese bacon burgers…

 

“Remember that time when they ran out of burgers?” Ayumi suddenly asked. Eri and Yuka groaned, but Kagome remained catatonic to them, intent on her burger massacre. Ayumi went on. “The guy behind the register was trying to tell her that there were no more burgers left. It was like it was the end of the world. Kagome just blew up at him, waving her arms around and screaming that they were hiding the burgers from her. Then she started off about being able to sense them and junk, and the next you know, Kagome's behind the register, tearing the whole place apart!”

 

“Yeah well,” Kagome began, mouth still full of food. Her friends made sounds of disgust, and Kagome swallowed before resuming. “It turned out they were hiding them from me. I found them all the way in the back by the freezer.”

 

“Yeah, but the only problem was…they were frozen!”

 

“So, all he had to do was heat them up!”

 

“He didn't have a choice! You were standing over him with a spatula in your hand, waiting to beat him with it if he didn't heat them up!” Eri yelled, her excessive loudness and arm waving attracting nearly everyone's in the fast food joint attention.

 

“Can you calm down?” Kagome hissed at her.

 

“Me!? You want me to calm down?! You burger loving, artery choking, spatula waving psycho!” Eri exploded, standing up on the table and pointing a finger at her. “One day, the cows will have their revenge on you. You just wait,” she said ominously, climbing back down.

 

“And I'm the psycho,” Kagome said, standing up to place her now empty tray on the garbage. She had managed to eat the entire pyramid of burgers in six minutes flat. “You're talking about cows, but I'm the psycho.”

 

“Yes…yes you are…” Eri whispered, drumming her fingers together as the music from Psycho began playing.

 

“Okay, now you're starting to scare me,” Ayumi said, looking nervously around at the darkening restaurant. “Can we put the lights back on?”

 

“So Kagome, what are you doing for your birthday?” Eri asked, completely normal again.

 

“Stay as far away from home as I can,” Kagome answered. “I love my family and all, but they are just to freaky from me. Mom's always happy, Gramps always has these stupid legends, and Sota plays video games all day. That brat is not human. He never gets up from in front of the TV.”

 

“But it's your fifteenth birthday!” Ayumi said, scandalized. “It's important!”

 

“No, that's my sixteenth birthday,” Kagome sighed. “It's only in Spanish cultures that my fifteenth birthday is important.

 

“You mean we're not in Spain?!”

 

“I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that,” Kagome said. “Besides, it's not like I'm going to get anything good anyway. I already found Gramps' present for me. It's a mummified hand of a water kappa.” The other girls made the appropriate sounds of disgust even though they really didn't give a damn. They would be interested if Kagome got new makeup or something; then they could beg it off of her.

 

“What'd you do with it?” Yuka asked, stifling a yawn.

 

“I gave it to Buyo to eat,” Kagome said, rolling her eyes. “That's why I don't want to go home. Gramps might have noticed it was missing.”

 

“Well, you'll have to face the music some day,” Eri said getting up. “Call us if you get anything good! That way we can steal it from…we can…bye!” The girls made their exit, smacking Eri on the head for almost giving away their brilliant plan. Luckily, the producers made Kagome such a bubblehead; she didn't notice her friend's slip of the lip.

 

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Kagome wandered slightly around the shrine she called home, wondering how to best avoid her gramps. She had already trashed several ideas, some of which included her coming home with her hair dyed blonde and having several tattoos and piercing so that her gramps would forget about the whole mummified kappa hand. But then she would probably get in trouble for the other stuff, so she was stuck. A charred burger wrapper flew in the breeze, landing on Kagome's face.

 

“What the?” she asked, examining it. “What is this?” She held it between two fingers, far away from her body as possible. She gasped. The wrapper seemed so familiar…she was somewhere…in the middle of a field…was she having a flashback? She was eating something…“OMG! It's a double bacon cheeseburger!” Kagome thought, reverting to computer speech…now she was talking to someone…he had really nice hair…now she was angry…the burgers were gone…she was running…stairs…she was tripping on those stairs…“Hey, aren't those my stairs?” Kagome thought again…she tried to grab the railing…her fingers were too greasy…her hand was slipping… “Oohhh…that's gonna leave a mark,” Kagome said aloud, watching the image in her mind tumble head over heels.

 

“Sis!” The sudden sound of her brother's voice made her jump.

 

“Jeez, Sota! What's wrong with you? You'll give me a heart attack,” Kagome snapped at him, holding her hand to heart in a pose that all players of InuYasha: Feudal Combat know all -too well. Sota rolled his eyes.

 

“The freaking cat is gone,” he said. “After you fed him that crap, he got sick all over the stairs, and Gramps made me bring him outside. Now he's gone.”

 

“You lost my cat?!” Kagome shrieked.

 

“He's not yours; you never take care of him. Besides, he's probably in the well house, being sick in there,” Sota said calmly, used to his sister's sudden outbursts of spontaneous panic.

 

“We have to find him!” Kagome yelled, pulling the well house's doors open and plunging down into the darkness, oblivious to any dangers that the rotten planks that served as stairs might serve. “Buyo! Where are you?” she yelled, searching through the darkness.

 

“Can you really see down there?” Sota asked, eyebrows raised.

 

“No, but there's a light coming from the well. Maybe if I open it, the light will fill up the whole room,” Kagome said, standing in front of the now glowing well.

 

“Sis…I think you should get away from it,” Sota said as he backed up.

 

“Why?” Kagome asked. “Frightened?” As if in answer, the well's lid shattered, and a giant (butt-ugly) monster reached out and grabbed Kagome, dragging her down into the well.

 

“Shit,” Sota said, somewhere between being impressed and being frightened out of his wits.

 

Meanwhile, in the well, Kagome and the monster were fighting. Actually, it was more like Kagome trying to wriggle her way out of the monster's grip, and the monster not really giving a damn.

 

“What are you doing!?” Kagome screeched at it. “Let me go!”

 

“Not a chance,” the monster replied. “I get paid on the hour to drag innocent souls down into this well. The more souls, the more pay.”

 

“Why are you in my well!?” Kagome demanded.

 

“You want me gone, get an exorcist. Better yet, get those Spirit Detectives that some times show up in the InuYasha world. You might get lucky and one of them will fall in love with you. It happens all the time,” the monster said.

 

“I don't want any Spirit Detectives! I want to go home!” Kagome whined.

 

“If beggars could be choosers, I wouldn't be in this well, sweetheart,” the monster said calmly. It was all used to this; unwilling souls dragged down into the depths of the dark and scary well that suddenly started blubbering anything that came to mind were commonplace.

 

“Don't call me sweetheart, you nasty centipede woman!” Kagome snapped, noticing that her captor was very naked, and starting to regenerate flesh.

 

“I'm a man.”

 

“Oh…” Kagome was stunned into silence until they reached the bottom of the well with a thud.

 

“Damn it! Open the damn thing up!” the centipede man said sharply to the ground.

 

“Password!” came an annoying little voice in response. The centipede man rolled his eyes.

 

“Double bacon cheeseburger with a soft drink and fries,” the centipede man said. A blue light flashed. “Oh yeah, I have to come back and fight you, so be ready. And to make it look like I fought you just now, here's some of my arms.” He handed Kagome two of them, and she threw them away as soon as he was gone.

 

“This is SO gross!” she yelled. “Sota, I'm going to kick your butt when I get up there!” She began climbing a handily placed vine at the side of the well, which somehow didn't break under her weight, and she climbed out. “Sota! Where are you!” she snapped when she reached the top. She looked around.

 

Trees lined her vision, everywhere she turned there were more trees and grass and butterflies. Kagome felt her mouth drop open. She had never seen so many trees in her life!

 

“Oh wow! I don't think I'm in Tokyo anymore,” she mumbled stupidly. Who in their right minds said that? “Sota where are you?” she asked, still believing she was somehow still in the shrine. “Sota? Mom? Gramps? Anyone?” No one answered. “Oh! I know! I'll call Buyo! He's smart! I'll call him, and then he can get help!” However, the cat was not around, and Kagome grumbled, “Should've named him Lassie instead.”

 

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Somewhere, in a giant void of nothingness, a state of panic could be observed. Two harried Japanese men were running around, the control panel in front of them whirring and beeping and flashing as they shouted and smacked into each other.

 

“I thought you took care of this!” Suwa Machihiko snapped.

 

“I did! But the centipede woman,” the other, Ueda Masuo whimpered before he got cut off.

 

“I'm a MAN!” the centipede man yelled.

 

“Suwa!” Ueda yelled.

 

“I'm sorry boss!” Suwa whimpered again, trying to figure out a way to correct the fatal error that had just occurred. “I know that Kagome's not supposed to be around InuYasha, but I can't do anything about it! If we change the script a little…” Suwa trailed off.

 

“This will change the whole series!” Ueda yelled, waving his arms around. “Quick, tell InuYasha not to kill her!”

 

“Too late. InuYasha's cell is off.”

 

“But Kagome's a loon. She'll never figure out what's going on,” Ueda reassured himself. Little did he know…

 

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Well, that was very disturbing to write…I hope you enjoy it! R&R!!! Please!! Onegai! Por favor!