InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Kagome's CDs ❯ Bittersweet Goodbye ( Chapter 9 )

Kagome's CDs


Disclaimer: Yes, of COURSE I own Inuyasha! That's why I need a disclaimer! Duh!

Thank you to all those who reviewed. I was so happy to get them that I've decided to write another one. Yes, I'm updating again already! Wooooo! I think this call for a celebration. Anyways, more author's note at the bottom. Firstly, the story!


Song = "The Bitter End" by Sum 41 and "Goodbye My Lover" by James Blunt
!Note! I changed some of the lyrics to make the story go more smoothly.

Italic words are lyrics

Enjoy!


---Chapter 9 ~ Bittersweet Goodbye ---


"Kokoro's adapting just fine. All the children in the village are treating him and playing with him like they do with Shippo. I can tell he's really happy. I'm so glad. Aren't you? I wonder if he'll stay here and help the villagers or he'll go off on his own. It's a big world out there, do you think he'll manage? I hope so. Oh and you know that..."

I inwardly chuckled to myself as Kagome went on with her usual babble. It amuses me sometimes, how she can be so talkative almost at any given moment.

After letting go of each other, we had shared a short awkward moment where we both stuttered, trying to find something to say and trying to hide our heavy blushes at the same time. I gently lifted her back to the ground and she surprised me when she casually intertwined her arm with mine. I only hesitated for a few seconds before giving her a small smile. And now we're slowly making our way back to the village.

"...lost another round of cards the other night. He really needs to work on his poker face. Shippo, on the other hand, is great at playing 'Cheat'! But no wonder since he's got the most innocent look ever on his..."

I was only half listening to Kagome. It's not that I don't want to listen to her, don't get me wrong. It's just that something else was preoccupying my mind.

That 'something' seems to have finally woken up when I shared that moment with Kagome; she was like an alarm clock. And now that the 'something' is awake, it finally realized that I've been ignoring it and it's throwing a big tantrum. I can feel it stomping on my head, telling me it's time. I gave a small sigh.

Kagome sensed my sudden release of breath and stopped talking. "What's wrong Inuyasha? Am I talking too much?"

"Feh, you always talk too much." I tried my best to give her my irritated look.

She heard the teasing in my voice and playfully slapped me with her free hand. "Fine, I won't talk from now on then."

"Good, I can hear my thoughts now."

"..."

"And was that supposed to hurt?"

"Hmpf."

"I'm gonna eat some ramen when I get back. If you don't say anything I'll take it as permission to do so."

"...Hmpf!"

I grinned. She's so cute when she's mad. I turned my head and gave her my best puppy dog eyes, knowing she'll fall for it, giving in to it every time.

She resisted by trying to give me an "oh-no-you-don't-go-and-give-me-one-of-those-puppy-dog-eyes-again'', but made the mistake of turning her head towards me and looking into my eyes.

As always, she cracked. "Argh. Hate those eyes of yours!" She slapped me again but also trailed her hand up to the base of my ears, scratching them lightly before returning it to her side.

I let a moment or two pass silently between us before speaking again, more serious this time. "Kagome, I think it's about time that I make my decision." I felt her tensed up, but she didn't say anything or slowed down, so I continued. "I'll do it tomorrow morning."

I didn't feel like saying anything else after that, so we walked in silence until we reached Kaede's hut. Then right before we entered through the doorway, she softly said to me, "I hope you make a good one."

------

I didn't sleep much that night. It's hard to fall asleep when millions of thoughts and feelings were running in and out of you the whole time. I woke up at dawn, managing to shut my eyes for only a few hours. Early morning birds were already outside, chirping away with no care in the world. A heavy stone seem to have found its way into my heart, and I couldn't get rid of that heaviness no matter what I keep telling myself.

Decisions, decisions... Why does it have to be so hard? I know deep within my heart I've already made it. ... But why is it so hard to say it out loud?

I gave a small sigh and stood, making my way to the door as quietly as I could. The others were still snoozing away, probably off in their own dreamlands. Well, everyone but Kagome that is. I can hear her irregular breathing and knew she wasn't really asleep. I turned to her and stared for a few seconds. She must have felt me staring, so she opened her eyes to look back at me. She tried to give me a smile, but then decided against it and nodded her head instead. I nodded back at her and then I was gone.

------

Her scent.

Like Kagome's, I'd recognize it anywhere.

I leaped through many trees, making my way through a forest. The sun was slowly rising its way up the sky, but the forest I was in was so thick there was barely any sunlight. Gradually though, a light appeared in front of me. Brighter and brighter it got as I headed deeper through the greeneries.

Her Soul Catchers started to float around me, guiding me towards her.

Finally, in a small clearing, I saw her learning against a tree, waking up from her slumber. I stopped and cautiously moved towards her.

"Kikyo..."

A moment of silence passed. We just stared at each other. I could see her brown eyes looking back at me, though as always, it was cold and emotionless. I wonder if she was always like this. I don't really remember. I never paid much attention to her eyes. Or perhaps I did... and I just didn't acknowledge it because I had the same daze over my eyes. But things change... I've changed.

Softly, with her monotone voice, she asked, "What brings you here so early in the morning, Inuyasha?"

Back then, she wouldn't have asked me that. She would've given me a small smile and carried on with her day's work as the village priestess. Every morning, she'd expect me to be there when she woke up, and I'd follow her and help with the day's work. In between, we'd share quiet moments together. Enjoying each other's presence and company, both holding on to the sense of belonging and comfort we'd somehow managed to create just for the two of us.

"It's about time I made my decision."

There's no doubt in my mind when it's overWhat is done will be
She blinked but didn't say anything. She wanted me to continue.

"Kikyo..." I began, that heavy stone somehow started to get even heavier. "I know I promised you that I'd go to the end of the world for you, if that is truly your wish. And I--"

"Then you have decided to come with me?" She interrupted.

I stuttered. "Well, that's the thing... I don't think I can anymore."

You will find when life gets colder there's no sympathyThere's no point trying, you can't escape the bitter endWell who will greet you when you're at the bitter end
Her cold eyes looked up and stared, penetrating my own, as if trying to will me to take those words back. No words came out of her mouth, no emotions passed through her eyes. She just stood there.

I didn't know what to say to her. Did she expect me to beg for her forgiveness? Or did she understand? Does she want me to go to hell? Or does she want me to live?

"Kikyo...?" I inquired, uncharacteristically timid all of a sudden.

She didn't respond. She didn't make any noise. She just stared back.

The weight of the stone increased, the pressure getting heavier and heavier. I realized it was guilt. Why can't she say something? The silence was deafening. I'd much rather for her to slap me, hit me, come hurling at me for all I care then stand there with that blank look on her face.

But of course, this is Kikyo we're talking about. If it was Kagome, I'd be in the depths of hell by now, unable to resist the force of her magic word.

I took a tentative step towards her. "Please try to understand..."

Silence.

Damn it, speak! The guilt I'm felt was just too overwhelming. I feel bad enough just coming here and announcing my decision to her, why does she have to make it even harder?

Finally, just when I was about to go deaf with the silence, she stood up gracefully and spoke with unnerving calmness.

"So you're going back on your promise, is that what you're trying to tell me?" Her voice was still monotone, but a brief look of anger flashed across her face. I winced involuntarily. "If I tell you now that I do want you to go down to hell with me, are you telling me that those words will have no effect? That you will ignore them and pretend that you have never made a promise to me? What happened to the old Inuyasha? The one who will carry out all his promises, one who will not regret any
decisions and paths he decides to take?"

All your choices chosen you've got no sayYour decisions madeFace your consequences as your life begins to fade
"I'm still the same. I am still one who will carry out my promises and not regret any decisions I make. However, my promise to you I can not carry out." I took a deep breath and stared back into her eyes. "Kikyo, not everything is either black or white. There are gray areas, things that have exceptions and circumstances. Things change and we can't always live by unwritten rules. When I made that promise, I didn't realize it was an impossible promise. Don't you understand? You're dead, Kikyo. Look at all those Soul Catchers around you. Fate separated us fifty years ago. You wanted me to go to the end of the world with you, I could. But that's not what we were meant to be. It was unfortunate that we were tricked and you ended dying and me under your spell. If you think about it though, if only our trust towards each other was a little bit stronger, it wouldn't have happened."

As time keeps spinning closer to the bitter endWell who will greet you when you're at the bitter end
"You were supposed to rest in peace, and I was supposed to live on under your spell. But things have changed. Your soul came back and I was freed. Though our lives are still not meant to be together. I'm sorry I have to break my promise to you. But I have other promises to make now. I don't want to die, Kikyo. I want to live. I was given a second chance to restart my life, and I don't want to throw it away."

She walked over to me and placed her cold hand upon my chest. Her eyes were still emotionless.
"Inuyasha, was our love not enough?"

"It wasn't that, Kikyo. It's just... we didn't know how to love back then."

She looked down and after a long while she nodded in agreement. "She changed you."

And finally, her guards fell and emotions filled her eyes and voice. I tilted her head up and saw there were tears in her eyes. My heart ached from hurting her. I tried to comfort her with my words.
"Kikyo, I did love you. You were my first love and I will never forget you. You gave me a sense of belonging and I felt at peace for a while. I've realized though, that's not what I need. What I need is freedom. Not physical freedom, but emotional freedom. I needed to be accepted for what I was and know that I can be who I am and not be afraid. I not only needed belonging and peace, I needed acceptance."

"... And she gave you that." It wasn't a question, just a comment.

"Yes, she did." I paused. "I'm sorry I can't keep my promise with you. But Kikyo, it's about time you let go. I will not leave until I see that you can rest in peace."

She gathered herself together and gently pushed me away. "We loved each other for a short while..."

"We did."

"And our time together..."

"Will remain in my heart forever."

She looked at me once more, before returning to her tree. She sat down and waved for her Soul Catchers to gather around her, and slowly, souls started to emerge from her body.

"Thank you, Inuyasha." Her voice was getting weaker, as more souls seeped out her body. "And thank Kagome for me please. For teaching you how to love..."

I watched as the last few souls exited from her. Her head rolled back against the tree and for the first time, a sense of peacefulness spread across her face, giving the scene a sense of serenity. Soul Catchers were flying away, carrying away the souls of dead women. Steadily, her body collapsed into a pile of dirt and bones.

"Be happy, Kikyo."

--------

I slowly got out of the forest, my eyes having to adjust to the light of another bright sunny day.

It was weird, finally knowing that Kikyo is resting in peace; that she no longer roams the earth; that she's finally... gone. Was I sad? Was I reminiscing? Or am I... regretting my decision? I couldn't understand what I was feeling. Then I suddenly remembered that I still had Kagome's device with me.

I only contemplated for a second before I took it out and started it up.

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

I dropped my head as I flashed back to the tears I saw on Kikyo's face. She must have been hurting a lot if she allowed herself to show such weakness. And I was the one who had caused it...

I gave a frustrated sigh. Why did it have to happen to us? A stab of hatred went through my heart to Naraku. Damn him for what he did to us. For ruining everything. If it wasn't for him, none of this would've happened. Kikyo wouldn't have died, I wouldn't have been sealed to a tree and we'd still be together. Then I would've never had to hurt Kikyo by rejecting her like the way I did back there.

But then... I also wouldn't have had met Kagome.

...

Still, I'm far from grateful for what Naraku did. He's still a stupid idiot who wears that monkey suit all the time. I mean, what's up with that?

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right,
Took you soul out into the night.

When I saw Kikyo awakening and staggering towards me on the day she returned, I was...

I don't even know what I was. I was shocked, that's for sure. I was also glad and a longing for her started again in my heart. But I also remember the anger and betrayal I had felt before she sealed me to the God Tree.

Her name came out before I could stop myself and she was alive again. Her soul returned and along with that, the unfinished love we had shared came back once again.
Thoughts of us came smacking into my mind, reminding me of the silences we shared, the quiet times we spent together and the comfort she gave me.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.

I remember the first time we embraced, I felt a sense of contentment. For the first time since my mother had passed away, another human was willing to touch me and hold me. She wasn't afraid of me and was willing to let me stay with her. And in return she stayed by me. Finally I felt at ease and found that someone who knew and understood what it was like to be an outcast. Someone who didn't fit in along with society. We found a place where both of us belonged.

So the day when she asked me to become full human for her, I agreed. I wanted the sense of belonging so badly that I dropped my wanting to become a full fledged demon. I would turn human instead and learn to live a human life. I can spend the rest of my life with Kikyo and start a family with her. I had loved her and wanted her company more than anything in the world.

I've kissed your lips and held your head.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

But then that fateful day happened and all our plans changed.

She died. I got sealed.

And that's how our story ended. It wasn't a happily ever after ending we had both dreamed and hoped for. Our story ended as a tragic tale. One where two seeking lovers got tricked and ended up hurting each other, causing one to die and another one to be put under a spell.

When Kikyo awoke again from death, I should've known it wasn't real. I was too caught up with what happened in the past, I denied the fact that we had ended. I just couldn't bring myself to accept that we were finished.

But now...

Goodbye my lover.

Kikyo is finally gone.

Goodbye my friend.

Along with that, our story.

You have been the one.

The time we had shared together...

You had been the one for me.

...will only be in our memories.

As the song drifted through the air and into my ears, the weight I had felt back in the clearing started to lift. And I realized what I was feeling.

And as you move on,
remember me,

...I was letting go.

Remember us and all we used to be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Woooo! Kikyo's gone!

To be honest though, I enjoyed writing about Inuyasha and Kikyo being together. I'm not much of a Kikyo lover but really, there's too much Kikyo bashing these days. After all, Inuyasha and Kikyo DID spend time together and were in love. I think Kikyo deserves some love from us ff writers too.
...Though of course Kagome still gets Inuyasha. xD

Anyways, hope you all liked this chapter. I'd really appreciate it if someone can review and evaluate my writing style. I love hearing from you guys about how great my story is (I'm trying to say this as humble as I can) but I'd like to hear about my actual writing too.

Oh and one more note about the songs. "Goodbye My Lover" was a total add on at the very end. At first I was going to end it when Inuyasha tells Kikyo to be happy but then it felt too short so I added the last part where he actually goes into detail about how he feels about the whole thing between him and Kikyo. "The Bitter End" wasn't my first pick either. I didn't exactly like what I picked before and I just kinda randomly chose this song to do the first part. Hope it made sense...

So yeah. Here are some replies to some of the reviews...

Kristine - Thank you for reviewing! It's always nice to hear from someone new. Personally, I really like the song "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flats too. It's just that I started this story like two years ago and I'd already picked all the songs for each chapter. I guess I should've updated the songs to better fitting ones. But perhaps I will write a one shot with that song! Thanks for the suggestion!

Uchiagirlforever - Woo! Another one on the "Fav author" list! Thank you so much! I feel special. :) I read your story and it's not as bad as whoever reviewed your story called it as. (He/she is being way too harsh to writers out there.) Everyone's gotta start somewhere right? My first one wasn't as great as these new ones and I'm still trying to improve on my writing style. So keep going and don't give up! Keep me informed if you update anything and I'll read and review them! Thanks for the correction too. ^^

Review, review, review!