InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Kiss Me Goodbye ❯ Chapter 2
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: kanna37 
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Romance / Psychological / Drama | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 10.07.2010 | Pages: 5 | Words: 8.6K | Visits: 850 | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Romance / Psychological / Drama | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 10.07.2010 | Pages: 5 | Words: 8.6K | Visits: 850 | Status: Work In Progress
Chapter 2
Kagome was completely silent the entire way back to the village from the place they'd had that confrontation with Magatsuhi, and then Naraku, and where they'd lost the last shard. There was so much on her mind that she was barely even aware of her surroundings, let alone the hanyou that was carrying her.
I'm so glad Kikyou decided that her light was better given to Kohaku to save him. Now I'm freed to do what I need to do – what I was born to do. Don't worry, Kikyou... things will soon be righted, and the imbalance that Naraku created will be fixed.
She almost had to laugh at the irony of what her own fate was to be – the Shikon was reborn into the world inside her body, only to have the whole thing end on the other end of the spectrum. She would lose her life and be reborn into the jewel...
To fight Naraku forever inside it, just as Midoriko had been fated to fight the other youkai in the jewel.
Kikyou... Kagome's eyes were fixed on a distant horizon as she accepted her destiny. Kikyou, please, live and love Inuyasha enough for us both – live long and well with our soul... because its next rebirth will be cursed, rather than blessed. Live ten thousand lifetimes, all in one, so that our soul will have those memories to hold dear in the darkness of my tomb... so that I will have your happiness to comfort me until the world ends and I am freed from the endless night inside the Tama.
She shivered, fear touching her as despair slammed into her. Despite the fact that she was determined to give Inuyasha his happiness, despite what she knew the price for that was going to be, she was determined to do it – but that didn't mean that she wasn't terrified, miserable, and grief-stricken. She was so afraid of being alone in darkness, her only company the horrid spider.
Now that she was staring at an eternity of being cast into the same role as Midoriko, she could only weep endless tears within her heart for the legendary miko. Five hundred years she had been trapped in limbo, fighting a battle she could never have hope of winning – or losing. It was stasis, in its truest form. Kagome sighed inwardly, looking back to the moment she'd realized exactly what was going to happen to Naraku. The moment he'd completed the jewel...
Naraku had been gloating about gaining the final shard... and all she could think was, Don't think so much of yourself, Naraku. Your fate is the same as mine... no matter what happens out here, I will see you... inside the jewel.
It had hit her like an avalanche of horror... something no one else had ever realized – Naraku, and everyone else, has been so blinded by its power, that no one has noticed that the jewel has a will of it's own...
And a wish of its own!
The Shikon no Tama has a wish, too. But it can't wish on itself, so it has to influence someone else to do it...
It was then she knew she could fool the Shikon into granting her wish – and into granting the right wish, as well.
And even though Naraku had run as soon as he got his hands on the jewel, Kagome had only stared after him – in that moment she had almost – almost – pitied him.
Running away won't help you, Naraku. It's too late for you. You should have known that there's no such thing as free power - there's always a catch. And the catch for you, is that the Shikon will take you over, and it will no longer be by your will that things are done.
Her grief in that moment had all been for Sango and Kohaku... so to find that Kikyou had chosen to protect Kohaku had pleased her to no end – and it made her task so much easier. Now... there's nothing blocking me from finishing this... save for Naraku – and the jewel itself.
And now we're heading back to the village – I will go home one last time. I can attend my graduation – it's pointless now, of course, and even trying so hard for High School, ended up being unnecessary, but... since memories are all I'm going to have, I want to grab as many as I can and hoard them all. At the very least, I have to see mama and ji-chan and Sota one more time...
“Inuyasha,” she said, voice distant but firm, “I'm going home tomorrow morning until the afternoon. I... have something to take care of.”
Inuyasha tightened his grip on her thighs, opening his mouth to argue with her, until he noted her aura and scent. She was not going to give on this one, and so, grudgingly, he huffed and said, “Fine! But you'd better be back tomorrow afternoon. No later!”
She shrugged. “Fine. But you'd better not show up to come after me – unless Naraku appears in the village, leave me be, got it?”
Every part of Inuyasha clenched when she said that – instantly, he was suspicious. What the hell is with her? Why do I get the feeling that she's hiding something huge from me? Something that's no good? And dammit... I still haven't had a chance to talk to her! I almost had it out that night in her room... but then her family showed up and ruined it. And there's been no more chance to do it since.
He flushed as heat ran through him at that memory. Talking wasn't all that had almost happened... his insides tightened at the thought of how close he'd been to finally tasting her the way he'd wanted to do for so long. Damn Sota anyways, he thought, disgruntled. Why couldn't they have all stayed out for a while longer? Keh! And now who knows when I'll get the chance to corner her again.
Once they arrived in the village, Inuyasha, with a great deal of reluctance, let Kagome slide off his back, and then a thought occurred to him. Wait a minute – she said she was going home tomorrow. But it's just sundown... there's plenty of time to talk to her tonight! Maybe after dinner, she'll be willing to go for a walk with me.
He sighed, then scowled as he caught sight of Kaede's destroyed hut. Of course, just another thing that needs to be rebuilt. “Oi, Sango,” he called as Kirara landed in front of the hut. “Where's the old hag and the monk?” He hissed as he got an elbow to his side.
“Inuyasha!” Kagome reprimanded, her tone irate. “If you don't stop being rude...” she trailed off warningly.
He folded his arms into his sleeves and looked away, sulking. “Feh!”
Sango shook her head as she watched the two – it was funny, in a way... and yet, she could feel something was different. Still, it was comforting to see the two arguing again. Kagome had been so distant lately...
She shook herself from her reverie when Inuyasha growled at her. “Oh! Sorry, Inuyasha. She's in that storage hut at the other end of the village. It's empty right now, and warm and dry. It'll do until her hut can be rebuilt.”
“Fine, let's go, then. I'm sure Kohaku could use something to eat-” he glanced at the miko by his side, “-and the wench could, too.” He lead them off, very aware of the woman next to him – and her continuing silence. She was preoccupied again, and that uneasy feeling he'd been getting lately when it came to her deepened.
She's slipping through my fingers – I've got to talk to her tonight!
-sSs-
Kagome stared into the fire in the small building, knees up and hands clasped over them. She was glad that Kohaku seemed to be doing so well – the poor boy had been through more in his short life than most people had in their entire lifetimes. He needed to be protected now, as he'd tried to do for her such a short time ago.
Maybe that's what Inuyasha needs to protect – along with Kikyou, of course, when I wish her back. Her mind went back to that night at her house... she really wished that her family had stayed away a little longer – she wanted to have one kiss... just one. She'd almost had it... and then his sweet words of protecting her with his life. She could pretend in her own mind that it was real and all for her, but she knew it wasn't.
No... it was an extension of his promise to Kikyou. And that's why she couldn't allow him to do it. He couldn't be allowed to give up his life for her – because then her wish for him would be a moot point. No... he had to live – so he could love.
As far as she was concerned, no one on earth deserved it more than he did. After all, two hundred years of being alone was more than anyone else had ever had to deal with – and all because no one could see beyond what he was, to the heart within – to who he was... no one save Kikyou. And even that hadn't been what it should have been. Perhaps that's why she had truly been allowed to come back by the kami. To learn to see who Inuyasha really was – to see what it was like being something that others saw as an abomination.
And when she had died, this was a lesson she had, in fact, learned and accepted. She had finally let go of everything, and loved Inuyasha for who he was, and not in spite of what he was.
At any rate, now she, Kagome, could be the one to give him what he so deserved – no one else could do it. It made something inside her warm. Yes... I'll give him love... though it will be through Kikyou, and not myself. That doesn't matter – I've always wanted him to be happy, even if I wasn't part of it.
She started when a clawed hand appeared before her face, and she blinked at it for a moment, bemused, then looked up in confusion at the handsome hanyou standing before her.
“We need to talk, woman. There's things I need to say, and kami knows when we'll get the chance again.”
Veiling her eyes, she simply nodded, and allowed him to help her up. Once on her feet, she followed him out of the hut without a word. She was rather surprised when he didn't offer his back, merely set off at a slow pace in the direction of the Goshinboku.
Hm... wonder what he wants? I hope he's not planning on interrogating me again. I'm no good at lying, and I really don't want him to figure out what I'm planning before I do it.
It was silent for a time; Kagome flicked a glance his way, only to find his gaze pinned to the diamond-studded sky, and his arms folded in his sleeves. It was such an Inuyasha pose that Kagome knew she would remember him just this way for the rest of eternity – even while she was trapped in the endless night of the jewel.
It hurts – but I also feel so warm knowing that I can give him happiness. I can give him Kikyou – and Kikyou also deserves happiness. Maybe I can... maybe I can be content with this fate. I'm still afraid – but it's bearable, knowing that I leave him with the joy he should always have had.
A small smile crossed her face with her thoughts, one which she had no idea he saw, but it left him stunned with the simple beauty of it – her eyes were lit up from within, and in that moment, his past, Kikyou, the jewel, Naraku – all of it was forgotten as he stared at her. His pace faltered, and he came to a halt, raising a hand to her to stop her.
She turned to look at him in concern, and got caught in his eyes. What is he...? Oh... that's how he was looking at me, before – in my room. He's remembering Kikyou. But can I...? Can I let him remember her, through me? If he kisses her, through me, just once, it will comfort him – and I'll get one kiss to remember – even if it isn't really for me.
Can I...? Yes. I can. It's not being selfish to take one thing for myself...
Watching as he drew closer, she sighed, and let her eyes close, not wanting to actually see Kikyou reflecting in his eyes. She could feel his heated, sweet-smelling breath on her lips, and then... and then...
“Hey! What are you guys doing?” came Shippo's high-pitched voice, and startled, Inuyasha jumped back, turning an angry red as he caught the flying kitsune by the tail.
“What the hell are you doing out here, you stupid runt?” he shouted, pissed as hell that once again he'd been interrupted just as he was about to get something he'd been wanting for what seemed like frickin' forever. Fuck! the frustrated hanyou screamed inside his mind, Every damn time! I'm going to kill something if I get interrupted just one more fuckin' time!
Kagome, who'd been just as startled, sighed, resigned. I guess that answers that. I'm not even supposed to have a single real kiss. Kikyou must not want me to have that... a pulse of something went through her, then, and she frowned. But you know what? I don't care. If I get the chance before it's too late, I'm going to take that kiss. I'm giving everything up for you, Kikyou – you and Inuyasha. You can allow me this one thing.
With that thought, Kagome opened her eyes, and looked at the two males arguing, Shippo still dangling from Inuyasha's fist.
“Enough, you two,” she snapped, breaking through their argument. “Shippo, what are you doing out here?”
“Kaede wanted me to tell you guys that you need to stay close – she says the trees are restless and that's a bad omen.”
Kagome nodded, taking note of the unsettled state of the forest around them herself. But she flared her aura, and realized that it wasn't because of an immediate threat, it was a forewarning. “Tell Kaede the threat isn't imminent – the trees sense the coming battle with Naraku, Shippo.”
The little kit looked up at her solemnly, though the look was a bit comical coming from an upside down little boy. “Are you sure, K'gome?”
She smiled at him. “Sure am, Shippo. Naraku won't show up for another day or so. We have a little time, and Magatsuhi isn't anywhere around here – he's trying to avoid Sesshoumaru.”
Inuyasha dropped the kit with a warning growl, eyeing him belligerently. “And you'd better tell the bouzo and Sango to stay the hell away from us. Kagome and I need to talk, and I'm gettin' tired of people interrupting us!”
You aren't the only one, Kagome thought wryly. I just want one damn good kiss to remember, and fate is completely screwing with me on it. Go figure.
Inuyasha watched the runt wander off with a gimlet eye, not entirely certain the kit wouldn't try to hide behind a bush or something and jump out at them again. Once Shippo was out of sight, he huffed, and grabbing Kagome, he took to the trees, hauling her far away from any possible interference.
Or so he thought.
So... I need to get her to tell me what's been on her mind so much lately. And then I need to tell her how I feel. I don't want any more crap between us causing confusion and mayhem like there has been for so damn long.
Once he got far enough away that he deemed it safe, Inuyasha dropped down once more from the treetops, and came to a halt on a hill overlooking the valley that the village sat in. It was a beautiful spot, the moonlight shining off the rice patties and highlighting the waters that abounded in the valley, lighting up the entire area.
Reluctantly setting her down, he let his fingers brush against the soft skin of her thighs as she slid from his back, and smiled inwardly at her sharp inhale – she wasn't immune to his touch, obviously. That could only be a good thing.
Setting himself down, he gestured to the soft patch of grass at his side, then, once she sat down next to him, he folded his hands into his sleeves nervously. Now... how to get this conversation off the ground?
Ears lowering, he glanced sideways at her. “Kagome... what's been going through your mind these last few weeks? I know there's something – and it hurts that you won't tell me. You always tell me that I can tell you anything – don't you realize that it works the same in reverse?” he asked softly.
Kagome looked startled for a moment, then saddened. This isn't something I can tell you, though... you're too honorable, and you'd try to stop me. This is one secret I can't share...
“There's a lot on my mind, Inuyasha. It's not just one thing,” she sighed, knowing that was safe enough. It was true, after all. “I'm still trying to figure out the whole 'right wish' thing, too. It's kind of driving me crazy.”
He watched her clasp her hands together, her fingers twisting with nerves, and knew that there was more to it – more to her preoccupation and the distance she'd been putting between them than she was saying. The fact that she was so determined to hide whatever it was told him it was nothing good.
“That's not the reason you've been pulling away from me. Ever since... she died, you've distanced yourself from me. I hate that. You're my best friend.” Even though I want a hell of a lot more than that... “My first, and best friend, the only one to ever take me as I am. Even the others, Miroku and Sango, only accepted me at first, because you did. You accepted me on your own, without anyone elses say-so. And now, you're pulling away from me – trying to leave me behind. Why, Kagome?”
Hands clenched tight, her eyes filled with tears, and she blinked hard to fight them back. No matter which way things go, he's going to get hurt... but letting me go will be the lesser of two evils. With Kikyou back, any hurt he feels at my passing will be minimized, so... She inhaled deeply, then let it out slowly, and her shoulders slumped a little.
“I'm just... saying goodbye to everything, I guess - you know... just in case things don't go the way we all hope. I bet everyone's kinda doing the same thing in their own ways, since we don't know what fate really has in store for us,” she elaborated at his protesting growl. “It's not that I'm wishing for death, or anything, Inuyasha, but if it comes... I don't want to leave behind any regrets.” That should be vague enough... hopefully, even though it's not strictly true. “It's not like I haven't come close to death a few times on this journey, already, you know... remember Kaguya?”
“That was because you jumped in front of that arrow that was supposed to hit me, wench!” he yelled.
She shifted back in surprise, her face scrunching at his volume. “Yeah, and I'd do it again, baka! So... it could happen that I don't come out of this... that's all I'm saying,” she finished quietly.
He turned towards her and grabbed her by her upper arms, shaking her a bit. “And what if I don't want you to die for me, huh? What if I want you to live for me instead? I won't let you say goodbye to me, Kagome!” he snarled. “If you go, I go. That's all there is to it, and there's no point in arguing with me about it, because I don't care what you say!”
She shook her head at him sadly. “Inuyasha... there's some things you can't save me from, you know.” Her mind replayed his anguished words again... “I wanted to protect her forever.” It caused her throat to close up. You can't save me from yourself... or from my own choices, you silly baka, she thought fondly. And this is my choice... to give you a second chance at a life with your beloved.
Gritting his teeth, he pulled her into his chest, and wrapped his arms around her as tightly as he could. “If you go, I go, Kagome, don't think I don't mean it. So don't do anything stupid,” he mumbled into her neck where his face was pressed.
Oh... it feels so good to be held by him... I wish this moment could last forever... “I'm not planning anything stupid, I promise, Inuyasha,” she whispered as she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him with all the love she had in her heart for him. That's not a lie... “And besides – there's some things that are stronger than friendship – don't give up on life just because I'm gone.”
“There's nothing stronger than what I feel for you, Kagome. Nothing.”
Maybe not now... since Kikyou's gone. But if she were here again, you'd understand what I'm saying. Once she's back, you'll know what I meant. The friendship you feel for me is only the strongest thing now because the love of your life is gone. She tightened her grip for one long moment, then reluctantly released him, pulling back to look at him.
“Was that what you wanted to talk about? You just wanted to know what was bothering me?”
He eyed her suspiciously; he was more than aware that whatever it was she was hiding wasn't coming out – and with the things she had said, he had a pretty good idea that whatever she was planning was something that had a very good chance of killing her. He would not allow it – he'd be sticking by her side tighter than glue once they cornered Naraku. In the meantime...
“That was part of it,” he said softly, still looking down at her. “I-” he broke off as another voice interrupted him.
“Now that the dead one is gone, you chase the living?”
With an enraged snarl, Inuyasha released Kagome and leaped to his feet, rounding on his brother, he clenched his hands around Tessaiga, angrier than he could ever remember being at him. “What the fuck are you talking about, bastard?” he growled out, the sound deep and low - dangerous.
“I will not explain words that you understood full well – as did the miko,” Sesshoumaru replied, glancing at her and catching her pained wince. “If she is willing to accept second-hand affections, that is her concern – however, now is not the time for trysting. Magatsuhi is lurking, and I have no doubt he would love to destroy your miko. It would be best if you were to return to your village.” With that, the daiyoukai turned on his heel and left, leaving behind a brother that was so pissed he couldn't even move.
Dammit, why would he say something like that? Fuck! Why do people keep sayin' shit about Kagome and me that isn't true?
Breathing deeply as he tried to push his youkai blood back down, he glanced over his shoulder at Kagome, flinching at the look on her face, he growled again, and dropped to his knees, punching the ground with his fist. “Fuck! This is bullshit!” he howled.
Kagome couldn't get Sesshoumaru's words out of her head – they were true, after all, but that even he knew about his brother's feelings for Kikyou... and her place in the whole mess, really hurt. Turning away from Inuyasha, she sighed and shook her head. “Inu... we should go. Sesshoumaru's right – it's dangerous out here. We should go back to the village and make sure everyone's okay there.”
“Kagome, I...” he trailed off as she started to walk away. “Dammit, woman, where the hell are you going? I ain't finished!”
She paused, but didn't look back. “Inuyasha... I think enough has been said right now. Gomen, but... I don't think I can take anymore tonight. It's been a long day – and the next days are going to be even longer. We should take what rest we can, while we can.”
Fuck... she took what he said to heart, and she won't listen to anything I say right now. I'll just corner her tomorrow as soon as she comes back from her time – hopefully that will give her enough time to calm down.
Angrily, he bent down and motioned for her to get on his back. “Fine. We'll go back to the village – but this isn't over, Kagome. I have some things to say to you, and I'm going to fuckin' say them. Tomorrow, when you get back...” he stopped; she understood him, and he didn't say anything else as she climbed on and he took off back towards the village.
I'm so fuckin' tired of the damn interruptions!
-sSs-
“I wanted to protect her forever.”
Gasping, Kagome jerked awake, tears running down her face as that damn sentence echoed through her dreams over and over again.
“Now that the dead one is gone, you chase the living?”
Despite the fact that Kagome knew, and had accepted that Inuyasha would always love Kikyou, and that she, Kagome, was only a friend – a dear one, but only a friend nonetheless – it still hurt. Badly. While she would respect his feelings, and never try to take them from him or invalidate them, she couldn't turn her own feelings off just because they weren't returned, and the loss she was feeling was something that she would feel for the rest of her cursed existence.
Unfortunately, it looked as though she were fated to spend that cursed existence with Naraku... not a fate to look forward to – and all she would have were memories. Sometimes... in the dark of the night, and even though she had in fact chosen the fate she was going to bring on her own head due to her love of the golden-eyed hanyou, she still felt some bitterness... why couldn't he have loved her like she loved him – or at least, why couldn't her heart have turned to one who did return those feelings – like Hojo... or Koga?
But in the end, that bitterness couldn't keep a hold on her heart – because she did love Inuyasha that much. Love, when it was true, wasn't selfish. The eyes of love couldn't envy – because love was blind. And always, no matter how much it hurt, she always remembered that. That was why Akago couldn't grasp her soul – because her heart was true to itself, leaving almost no darkness in her soul for anything evil to take ahold of.
She sat up with a melancholy sigh, wrapping her arms around herself almost defensively. So many memories of him crowded her thoughts... memories of all the times they'd had together. He was so beautiful to her, every move he made only stoking her desire and her love higher. He made her heart ache always with his silver and gold colors – they echoed his spirit so strongly. Silver, gold... and crimson. Never would she ever be able to see those colors again without thinking of him.
A light flutter, a feeling as though something were touching her very soul – and suddenly, she could feel Inuyasha, just as strongly as if he were in the room with her, with a gasp, her eyes widened, and she knew, knew, that he was thinking of her just the same as she was thinking of him.
Inuyasha...
Kagome...
Baka girl... thinking she's gonna get out of it. We're gonna talk whether she likes it or not. And I'm not gonna let her do anything stupid, either – no matter what she's thinkin'. His eyes softened, then. Crazy wench, anyways. But beautiful. All black as night locks and pale, perfect skin. Blue eyes that go a stormy grey – I'll always see blue and green as her... all framed by ebony. Keh – even her hair has blue highlights to it. 'Course, she looks awfully good in red... like my suikan. And that dainty shell pink that crosses her cheeks when she's embarrassed... and it's always the color of her lips, too.
He growled. Now if I could just get a damn taste of those pretty lips I'd be a happy hanyou. But no... everybody and their damn friends have to keep interrupting! He slammed his head back into the trunk of his tree, frustration running through him again. Never thought I'd think of having friends as a hassle!
He scooted lower onto his branch, a sulky pout on his face. Right at that moment, it was like he could feel Kagome next to him, and the frustration welled up even stronger, finally overflowing his control as he growled and slammed a fist into the branch above him. With a splintering crack, the limb gave way, and he watched, irritation flaring in him, as it crashed into his perch and got caught.
Keh! I wish I had Naraku's ugly face here to punch... or maybe that mangy wolf. That last one was thought with considerably less heat, more a minor disgruntlement; after all, the stupid ookami had finally admitted defeat and given up his pursuit of Kagome... but still... cocky bastard even while doing it. Damn... it really feels like Kagome's sitting here next to me, 'cause now I can feel her annoyance at me for even thinkin' about kickin' that bastard's ass. Feh, he thought disgustedly. I shoulda kicked his ass a long time ago – but ain't no need to be thinkin' about it now. He's gone, so maybe I should just go smack the hentai around a little bit. I'm sure he's done something to piss Sango off by now...
A shiver ran up his spine at that; he could almost feel Kagome's warning glare on his back. Fine! He shouted into his mind. I won't kick anybody's ass – I'll just sit here and be frustrated until you get back tomorrow – and then I'll let it boil over until I get what I damn well want! Is a freakin' kiss too damn much to ask!
Women! Can't live with 'em...
And can't live without... her. Hear that, Kagome? Can't live without you. So don't make me hafta try – 'cause I won't. I already told you...
If you go, I go.
He hoped she got the message, because he didn't feel like dying. He wanted to live.
With her.
-sSs-
It was done.
Somehow, against all odds, they had defeated Naraku – and she had even purified all the miasma that had dropped on the village, along with the rest of the spider's carcass. Even she had been surprised at the strength of her reiki once Sesshoumaru had killed Magatsuhi and unsealed her powers.
But all that just meant that the end, for her, was coming. She knew already what Naraku had wished for – what the jewel had forced him to wish for. It was just like she'd already known – the jewel controlled him, not the other way around, and Naraku had been just as betrayed by the Tama in the end as everyone else that had ever touched it had been.
He'd even admitted it as he told them that he'd made a wish for the jewel's sake before he disappeared.
She wasn't sure how it was going to happen, but she knew any moment, she would be pulled into the jewel, as well; Naraku was already inside, waiting for her. She stared at the well, at the spot he had disappeared, the place the Shikon had disappeared, and then looked around once more, fixing everyone's faces in her mind one last time – she wanted to carry them into eternity with her.
Fear coiled, then, thick in her throat, and just in that instant, she felt a strange stirring behind her. Not even turning to look, she knew that her time was up, and as she got pulled away from all her friends, from Inuyasha, she cried out, frightened suddenly, so terrified, that as he tried desperately to reach her, she reached out for him, too, momentarily forgetting her desire to wish his love back to life.
Momentarily forgetting that this had to happen - so that she could.
When the meidou closed around her, though, with Inuyasha trapped on the other side, she remembered, and still crying, she accepted her fate. It was time to fool the Shikon no Tama into giving her what she wanted. If I succeed, and Kikyou comes back, and I wish the Tama away, I'll simply be bound to Naraku in hell, instead of inside the jewel, so I guess it doesn't make any difference. At least I know what to expect in hell, now... since I've already been there once.
“Eternal darkness, or eternal torment?” she murmured to herself. “Which is worse? At least... at least Inuyasha isn't trapped here, too. He's still free, so it turned out okay, I guess.”
A pulse thrummed through the dead air around her, and she twisted around in this strangely weightless void. It was the Shikon no Tama – still pierced through by her arrow. It pulsed again.
“Will you make a wish, or will you be trapped here for eternity?” it asked, it's voice oddly androgynous.
“I will make a wish, but only when I'm ready,” she said softly. I need... a little time to gather my courage.
She could feel an odd probing feeling, and knew that the Tama was trying to read her. I can't let it know the trick I'm going to play on it!
“So – you will wish for the hanyou to be happy?” it asked, something close to amusement in its voice.
That was when she knew that it was only guessing – it hadn't gotten anything from her. Now, if she could only keep it guessing until she was ready...
“And why shouldn't I?” she questioned angrily. “He deserves it!”
“Does he really, priestess? Would you like to see his heart? I can show it to you...” the voice trailed off, and she frowned, curious.
“What do you mean?”
“I will take you on a journey through your hanyou's heart. You will see much that you missed – his thoughts, his feelings... about everything.”
She didn't miss the peculiar intensity in its voice at that last part.
“That's not right – you shouldn't go poking around inside people's hearts and minds like that! That's just like Kaou,” she huffed.
“No – Kaou used what he found for his own purposes... I merely show you the truth. We will revisit Kaou's palace, have no worries.” With that, the darkness around them lightened, and Kagome found herself looking at a past scene... one she'd never wanted to see again.
“I remember this,” she whispered. “This was when we were fighting the Band of Seven. That time when we almost died from the poison of Mukotsu.” It was hard to watch, seeing as how she was viewing things from Inuyasha's point of view, since she'd been unconscious, and nearly dead.
“Hai. Do you see, priestess? How, though he is upset, he can barely bring himself to cry over your death? A bare, single tear... and he fought even that much, refusing to show any true grief over losing you.”
The scene changed at his words, Kagome's frown deepening. Where's it going with this? Like I didn't know Inuyasha refused to show grief?
“Do you recognize this scene, priestess?” the voice taunted. “This time – when his beloved Kikyou died? See the tears, the ones he couldn't shed for you, cascading, no, flooding, down his cheeks for her?”
Though Kagome had always known that Inuyasha loved Kikyou, not her, it didn't stop the hurt, the agony, that the Shikon's words brought – after all, she'd already acknowledged that she couldn't change her own feelings because he didn't return them.
Her face lowered, a hand coming up to clench over her heart in pain even as the Tama spoke again.
“So touching, don't you think? His grief is so raw and open... but not for you. And this is the male you would give up life, give up your very soul, for?”
With a sigh, she closed her eyes and nodded, still not looking up, tears of her own beginning to rim her eyes. “Yes. Always. I would give anything for him to be happy.”
The space they were in rumbled with the Tama's scoff. “Why? Why would you let yourself give so much for him?”
“Because I love him,” she said simply, looking nowhere but into her own heart and soul. “Because I always will.”
“How sweet – and utterly useless. Let's look at some other things, shall we?” With those words, the scene before her changed yet again, and this time, she recognized Kaou's palace of flowers. “I told you that you would see this place again. But this time, I will show you what Inuyasha dreamed... and the desires of his heart that dream brought out.”
Kagome was riveted to the vision before her, remembering clearly how badly the words Kaou had spoken about Inuyasha wanting to die to be with the 'woman he loved most in the world' had hurt. She really didn't want to hear it again.
Too late...
She could see Kikyou quite clearly offering her hand to Inuyasha, entreating him to go with her... and she watched with a heavy heart as he took the first tentative steps towards her outstretched hand, wanting to go with her, anguish settling into her... but anguish that she could see through. It didn't darken her the way the Tama obviously wanted – and hoped for.
“Yes... I see. He wanted to go to be with her. And that's why I want to wish him happiness. Because he deserves it – but he also deserves to live. He shouldn't have to go with her into death to be happy,” Kagome said ruefully. “I... as Kagome, can't be what he wants,” she admitted. “So wishing him happiness will give him what he truly wants – and we both know what that is.”
Not that the manipulative jewel needs to know that my true wish is actually for Kikyou to be brought back for him so they can live happily – the both of them. But that's something it's not going to find out until I'm ready, that's all there is to it.
“Why do you persist in wanting to wish for that hanyou to be happy?”
Kagome lifted her head, finally, and stared at the physical manifestation of the jewel. “Here's a better question – where's Naraku? I know he's around here somewhere.”
There was another pulse, and then a sense of surprise... and amusement. “Do you mean to say that you have actual pity for your vanquished foe? After everything that he has done?”
“And why wouldn't I?” she shot back angrily, her eyes flashing hotly. “After all, he didn't get what he really wanted, either. In the end, you betrayed him just like everyone else. And now, he's going to be trapped with me for eternity, when I know that's not what he wanted, any more than I did!”
“Hm. How true... just like your beloved hanyou, Naraku wanted Kikyou. Neither of them wants you... what is it about that other miko that they are so enamored with? What is it about her that you cannot measure up?”
Kagome was well aware it was just another taunt by the jewel; it was still trying to darken her soul. Apparently, it was rather thick – it hadn't learned anything from her encounters with Naraku.
“I don't know, and it doesn't really matter. Why are you still playing with me?”
“Because it is not yet time for the wish to be made – and you are not yet darkened enough to make it. We still have some time for another vision. How about this one?”
Once again, the vision changed, only this time, she was watching Inuyasha wandering along inside Naraku's body, after he'd slashed her and pushed her away from him. She was curious about this part of things... What happened for the Tama to show me this?
“Kikyou...”
Oh... he's reliving what happened between them fifty years ago, she thought, her heart clenching with pain.
'I never realized that the two of us had fallen into Naraku's trap... hating and hurting each other. Or that Kikyou ended up dying.'
“Kikyou... I'm going to protect you this time. I won't let anyone kill you again.”
'But in the end, I couldn't save you.'
“Do you see, little miko? Even after attacking you, and leaving you for dead, you, and the danger he'd put you in, weren't even in his thoughts,” the voice gloated as the vision faded out, the pain radiating from Kagome now easily felt within the Tama itself. “Even dead, she holds him, heart and soul, and all he feels for you is responsibility. When he even bothers to remember you at all.”
The jewel's words were poison, and it knew it, it was counting on that poison tainting her beyond redemption. If it did, the Tama would become indestructible, with her soul, as well as that of Midoriko, fueling it for eternity. With both fallen priestesses, as well as their opponents, trapped for all time inside itself, it would live on in this world – forever – and no one would ever be able to banish it.
Immortality.
That was what the Shikon no Tama truly wished for itself, and only with her soul, and corrupt wish, could it achieve that.
In order to reach that goal, it would continue to do everything it could to poison and taint the pure heart of the priestess Kagome.
-sSs-
Inuyasha was in an absolute panic.
After Kagome's return the day of her graduation, they'd been immediately swept up in the battle with Naraku, and now this. She'd disappeared – and all due to the will of the Shikon no Tama. They'd never had the chance to have that talk... and Inuyasha was completely positive that one fact was about to cause all sorts of hell for him.
Whatever Kagome's planning, I bet it's going to happen soon – which means I have to find her!
That brought him to where he was now – leaping into a meidou with the plea to Tessaiga to take him to Kagome. Hopefully, it would work, and he'd be able to find her. He was uncomfortably aware that this would be his greatest challenge yet – none of the other times he'd saved her would compare to this one.
And not only because the Tama was involved.
No... because he was pretty damn sure that Kagome herself had no plans to come out of this alive.
But he'd promised – in more ways than one.
First, he'd promised her – to protect her with his life – second, he'd also promised that if she went, he would, too. And then, just a few minutes ago, he'd heard her grandfather, mother, and brother calling out for her – and he'd sworn he'd find her and bring her back to them.
He planned on keeping that promise, and the others.
It wasn't, however, helping, that he was getting accosted by all these stupid low-level demons – it was only pissing him off.
Especially as they were insisting that Kagome was going to be stuck here forever... and that there was nothing he could do about it.
Like hell.
He was startled to see a human flash by, battling a hoard of youkai – until the ones bothering him mentioned who it was – and where, exactly, he was.
“That is the miko who created the Shikon no Tama.”
“So... that's Midoriko?” he asked, astonished, and a bit awed to be seeing the famed priestess.
“She has continued to fight us for hundreds of years... ever since the Shikon was born. Kagome will suffer the same fate,” the youkai taunted.
“Like hell I'll let that happen!” he screamed, letting loose another Kaze no Kizu – not that it seemed to have much effect.
He was, however, quite shocked, when the light from his last strike faded... leaving him facing a huge web – with Naraku at the center of it.
“Naraku?! You're still alive?”
“He's dead, but he will soon awaken. When Kagome gives into her fear of the darkness, and falls victim to the Shikon jewel, Naraku will reawaken, and a new battle of souls will begin. A battle that will never end. When the Shikon jewel was transported through time to the Sengoku Jidai, Kagome's fate was sealed.”
“So you're telling me that Kagome's soul, and Naraku's soul, will be the next to fight inside the jewel?” he snarled incredulously.
“That's right. Kagome was born to become a part of the jewel, and fight within it!”
“You're wrong! That's not why Kagome was born!” he shouted, as he flung another surge of energy from Tessaiga at the youkai. Kagome taught me how to smile, and how to believe in other people! Kagome was the reason I could make friends, and rely on those friends. To shed tears for others... to understand true strength and kindness... they're all things I learned from Kagome! He stared angrily into the void, certainty surging inside him as his next thought literally tore up from the depths of his soul...
Kagome was born to meet me... and I was born for her!
As that thought breached the edges of his mind, and was accepted through his entire being, a thrum came from the void around them, and a light grew from the darkness...
To the hanyou's disbelief and shock, a miko appeared...
But it wasn't Kagome, and it wasn't Midoriko.
It was Kikyou, in all her glory – as she had once been... in life.
-sSs-
A/N: Sorry about the cliffie... but it was just too perfect to waste.
A couple things... one, this one is taking some time to finish, because of all the time I have to put into it. All the parts that are canon, I am taking straight from the anime, and that means I have to keep re-watching the episodes as I need, so that I can quote directly. That takes time.
Second. As you can see, most of the story goes along with canon anime. However, there are divergences... and there will continue to be some. As I stated in the beginning, this is how I would have ended things – I feel that the canon storyline ignored far too much of the angst that they handed Kagome, or simply glossed over it. That's why I'm writing this.
Third. Originally, I had planned this to be a two chapter story – but it's going to go to three, as I warned that it might. I just couldn't get everything I wanted into two chapters. Hope everyone is happy with that.
Fourth. I didn't bother with describing the whole final battle with Naraku. By now, most fans have either read the manga, or seen the final episodes, so I didn't feel like taking the time to write out something that was really only peripheral to this tale. Sorry for those who wanted a recap – it would have taken far too long.
And finally, as stated before, this fic will update for the final chapter when it gets there, and not before. I refuse to rush it. I know that it can be frustrating to get so into a fic, and then have to wait... but it's worse when an author caves and rushes something, and makes a mess of an otherwise awesome fic. I won't do that here, so please, have patience.
Ja Ne,
Amber
Kagome was completely silent the entire way back to the village from the place they'd had that confrontation with Magatsuhi, and then Naraku, and where they'd lost the last shard. There was so much on her mind that she was barely even aware of her surroundings, let alone the hanyou that was carrying her.
I'm so glad Kikyou decided that her light was better given to Kohaku to save him. Now I'm freed to do what I need to do – what I was born to do. Don't worry, Kikyou... things will soon be righted, and the imbalance that Naraku created will be fixed.
She almost had to laugh at the irony of what her own fate was to be – the Shikon was reborn into the world inside her body, only to have the whole thing end on the other end of the spectrum. She would lose her life and be reborn into the jewel...
To fight Naraku forever inside it, just as Midoriko had been fated to fight the other youkai in the jewel.
Kikyou... Kagome's eyes were fixed on a distant horizon as she accepted her destiny. Kikyou, please, live and love Inuyasha enough for us both – live long and well with our soul... because its next rebirth will be cursed, rather than blessed. Live ten thousand lifetimes, all in one, so that our soul will have those memories to hold dear in the darkness of my tomb... so that I will have your happiness to comfort me until the world ends and I am freed from the endless night inside the Tama.
She shivered, fear touching her as despair slammed into her. Despite the fact that she was determined to give Inuyasha his happiness, despite what she knew the price for that was going to be, she was determined to do it – but that didn't mean that she wasn't terrified, miserable, and grief-stricken. She was so afraid of being alone in darkness, her only company the horrid spider.
Now that she was staring at an eternity of being cast into the same role as Midoriko, she could only weep endless tears within her heart for the legendary miko. Five hundred years she had been trapped in limbo, fighting a battle she could never have hope of winning – or losing. It was stasis, in its truest form. Kagome sighed inwardly, looking back to the moment she'd realized exactly what was going to happen to Naraku. The moment he'd completed the jewel...
Naraku had been gloating about gaining the final shard... and all she could think was, Don't think so much of yourself, Naraku. Your fate is the same as mine... no matter what happens out here, I will see you... inside the jewel.
It had hit her like an avalanche of horror... something no one else had ever realized – Naraku, and everyone else, has been so blinded by its power, that no one has noticed that the jewel has a will of it's own...
And a wish of its own!
The Shikon no Tama has a wish, too. But it can't wish on itself, so it has to influence someone else to do it...
It was then she knew she could fool the Shikon into granting her wish – and into granting the right wish, as well.
And even though Naraku had run as soon as he got his hands on the jewel, Kagome had only stared after him – in that moment she had almost – almost – pitied him.
Running away won't help you, Naraku. It's too late for you. You should have known that there's no such thing as free power - there's always a catch. And the catch for you, is that the Shikon will take you over, and it will no longer be by your will that things are done.
Her grief in that moment had all been for Sango and Kohaku... so to find that Kikyou had chosen to protect Kohaku had pleased her to no end – and it made her task so much easier. Now... there's nothing blocking me from finishing this... save for Naraku – and the jewel itself.
And now we're heading back to the village – I will go home one last time. I can attend my graduation – it's pointless now, of course, and even trying so hard for High School, ended up being unnecessary, but... since memories are all I'm going to have, I want to grab as many as I can and hoard them all. At the very least, I have to see mama and ji-chan and Sota one more time...
“Inuyasha,” she said, voice distant but firm, “I'm going home tomorrow morning until the afternoon. I... have something to take care of.”
Inuyasha tightened his grip on her thighs, opening his mouth to argue with her, until he noted her aura and scent. She was not going to give on this one, and so, grudgingly, he huffed and said, “Fine! But you'd better be back tomorrow afternoon. No later!”
She shrugged. “Fine. But you'd better not show up to come after me – unless Naraku appears in the village, leave me be, got it?”
Every part of Inuyasha clenched when she said that – instantly, he was suspicious. What the hell is with her? Why do I get the feeling that she's hiding something huge from me? Something that's no good? And dammit... I still haven't had a chance to talk to her! I almost had it out that night in her room... but then her family showed up and ruined it. And there's been no more chance to do it since.
He flushed as heat ran through him at that memory. Talking wasn't all that had almost happened... his insides tightened at the thought of how close he'd been to finally tasting her the way he'd wanted to do for so long. Damn Sota anyways, he thought, disgruntled. Why couldn't they have all stayed out for a while longer? Keh! And now who knows when I'll get the chance to corner her again.
Once they arrived in the village, Inuyasha, with a great deal of reluctance, let Kagome slide off his back, and then a thought occurred to him. Wait a minute – she said she was going home tomorrow. But it's just sundown... there's plenty of time to talk to her tonight! Maybe after dinner, she'll be willing to go for a walk with me.
He sighed, then scowled as he caught sight of Kaede's destroyed hut. Of course, just another thing that needs to be rebuilt. “Oi, Sango,” he called as Kirara landed in front of the hut. “Where's the old hag and the monk?” He hissed as he got an elbow to his side.
“Inuyasha!” Kagome reprimanded, her tone irate. “If you don't stop being rude...” she trailed off warningly.
He folded his arms into his sleeves and looked away, sulking. “Feh!”
Sango shook her head as she watched the two – it was funny, in a way... and yet, she could feel something was different. Still, it was comforting to see the two arguing again. Kagome had been so distant lately...
She shook herself from her reverie when Inuyasha growled at her. “Oh! Sorry, Inuyasha. She's in that storage hut at the other end of the village. It's empty right now, and warm and dry. It'll do until her hut can be rebuilt.”
“Fine, let's go, then. I'm sure Kohaku could use something to eat-” he glanced at the miko by his side, “-and the wench could, too.” He lead them off, very aware of the woman next to him – and her continuing silence. She was preoccupied again, and that uneasy feeling he'd been getting lately when it came to her deepened.
She's slipping through my fingers – I've got to talk to her tonight!
-sSs-
Kagome stared into the fire in the small building, knees up and hands clasped over them. She was glad that Kohaku seemed to be doing so well – the poor boy had been through more in his short life than most people had in their entire lifetimes. He needed to be protected now, as he'd tried to do for her such a short time ago.
Maybe that's what Inuyasha needs to protect – along with Kikyou, of course, when I wish her back. Her mind went back to that night at her house... she really wished that her family had stayed away a little longer – she wanted to have one kiss... just one. She'd almost had it... and then his sweet words of protecting her with his life. She could pretend in her own mind that it was real and all for her, but she knew it wasn't.
No... it was an extension of his promise to Kikyou. And that's why she couldn't allow him to do it. He couldn't be allowed to give up his life for her – because then her wish for him would be a moot point. No... he had to live – so he could love.
As far as she was concerned, no one on earth deserved it more than he did. After all, two hundred years of being alone was more than anyone else had ever had to deal with – and all because no one could see beyond what he was, to the heart within – to who he was... no one save Kikyou. And even that hadn't been what it should have been. Perhaps that's why she had truly been allowed to come back by the kami. To learn to see who Inuyasha really was – to see what it was like being something that others saw as an abomination.
And when she had died, this was a lesson she had, in fact, learned and accepted. She had finally let go of everything, and loved Inuyasha for who he was, and not in spite of what he was.
At any rate, now she, Kagome, could be the one to give him what he so deserved – no one else could do it. It made something inside her warm. Yes... I'll give him love... though it will be through Kikyou, and not myself. That doesn't matter – I've always wanted him to be happy, even if I wasn't part of it.
She started when a clawed hand appeared before her face, and she blinked at it for a moment, bemused, then looked up in confusion at the handsome hanyou standing before her.
“We need to talk, woman. There's things I need to say, and kami knows when we'll get the chance again.”
Veiling her eyes, she simply nodded, and allowed him to help her up. Once on her feet, she followed him out of the hut without a word. She was rather surprised when he didn't offer his back, merely set off at a slow pace in the direction of the Goshinboku.
Hm... wonder what he wants? I hope he's not planning on interrogating me again. I'm no good at lying, and I really don't want him to figure out what I'm planning before I do it.
It was silent for a time; Kagome flicked a glance his way, only to find his gaze pinned to the diamond-studded sky, and his arms folded in his sleeves. It was such an Inuyasha pose that Kagome knew she would remember him just this way for the rest of eternity – even while she was trapped in the endless night of the jewel.
It hurts – but I also feel so warm knowing that I can give him happiness. I can give him Kikyou – and Kikyou also deserves happiness. Maybe I can... maybe I can be content with this fate. I'm still afraid – but it's bearable, knowing that I leave him with the joy he should always have had.
A small smile crossed her face with her thoughts, one which she had no idea he saw, but it left him stunned with the simple beauty of it – her eyes were lit up from within, and in that moment, his past, Kikyou, the jewel, Naraku – all of it was forgotten as he stared at her. His pace faltered, and he came to a halt, raising a hand to her to stop her.
She turned to look at him in concern, and got caught in his eyes. What is he...? Oh... that's how he was looking at me, before – in my room. He's remembering Kikyou. But can I...? Can I let him remember her, through me? If he kisses her, through me, just once, it will comfort him – and I'll get one kiss to remember – even if it isn't really for me.
Can I...? Yes. I can. It's not being selfish to take one thing for myself...
Watching as he drew closer, she sighed, and let her eyes close, not wanting to actually see Kikyou reflecting in his eyes. She could feel his heated, sweet-smelling breath on her lips, and then... and then...
“Hey! What are you guys doing?” came Shippo's high-pitched voice, and startled, Inuyasha jumped back, turning an angry red as he caught the flying kitsune by the tail.
“What the hell are you doing out here, you stupid runt?” he shouted, pissed as hell that once again he'd been interrupted just as he was about to get something he'd been wanting for what seemed like frickin' forever. Fuck! the frustrated hanyou screamed inside his mind, Every damn time! I'm going to kill something if I get interrupted just one more fuckin' time!
Kagome, who'd been just as startled, sighed, resigned. I guess that answers that. I'm not even supposed to have a single real kiss. Kikyou must not want me to have that... a pulse of something went through her, then, and she frowned. But you know what? I don't care. If I get the chance before it's too late, I'm going to take that kiss. I'm giving everything up for you, Kikyou – you and Inuyasha. You can allow me this one thing.
With that thought, Kagome opened her eyes, and looked at the two males arguing, Shippo still dangling from Inuyasha's fist.
“Enough, you two,” she snapped, breaking through their argument. “Shippo, what are you doing out here?”
“Kaede wanted me to tell you guys that you need to stay close – she says the trees are restless and that's a bad omen.”
Kagome nodded, taking note of the unsettled state of the forest around them herself. But she flared her aura, and realized that it wasn't because of an immediate threat, it was a forewarning. “Tell Kaede the threat isn't imminent – the trees sense the coming battle with Naraku, Shippo.”
The little kit looked up at her solemnly, though the look was a bit comical coming from an upside down little boy. “Are you sure, K'gome?”
She smiled at him. “Sure am, Shippo. Naraku won't show up for another day or so. We have a little time, and Magatsuhi isn't anywhere around here – he's trying to avoid Sesshoumaru.”
Inuyasha dropped the kit with a warning growl, eyeing him belligerently. “And you'd better tell the bouzo and Sango to stay the hell away from us. Kagome and I need to talk, and I'm gettin' tired of people interrupting us!”
You aren't the only one, Kagome thought wryly. I just want one damn good kiss to remember, and fate is completely screwing with me on it. Go figure.
Inuyasha watched the runt wander off with a gimlet eye, not entirely certain the kit wouldn't try to hide behind a bush or something and jump out at them again. Once Shippo was out of sight, he huffed, and grabbing Kagome, he took to the trees, hauling her far away from any possible interference.
Or so he thought.
So... I need to get her to tell me what's been on her mind so much lately. And then I need to tell her how I feel. I don't want any more crap between us causing confusion and mayhem like there has been for so damn long.
Once he got far enough away that he deemed it safe, Inuyasha dropped down once more from the treetops, and came to a halt on a hill overlooking the valley that the village sat in. It was a beautiful spot, the moonlight shining off the rice patties and highlighting the waters that abounded in the valley, lighting up the entire area.
Reluctantly setting her down, he let his fingers brush against the soft skin of her thighs as she slid from his back, and smiled inwardly at her sharp inhale – she wasn't immune to his touch, obviously. That could only be a good thing.
Setting himself down, he gestured to the soft patch of grass at his side, then, once she sat down next to him, he folded his hands into his sleeves nervously. Now... how to get this conversation off the ground?
Ears lowering, he glanced sideways at her. “Kagome... what's been going through your mind these last few weeks? I know there's something – and it hurts that you won't tell me. You always tell me that I can tell you anything – don't you realize that it works the same in reverse?” he asked softly.
Kagome looked startled for a moment, then saddened. This isn't something I can tell you, though... you're too honorable, and you'd try to stop me. This is one secret I can't share...
“There's a lot on my mind, Inuyasha. It's not just one thing,” she sighed, knowing that was safe enough. It was true, after all. “I'm still trying to figure out the whole 'right wish' thing, too. It's kind of driving me crazy.”
He watched her clasp her hands together, her fingers twisting with nerves, and knew that there was more to it – more to her preoccupation and the distance she'd been putting between them than she was saying. The fact that she was so determined to hide whatever it was told him it was nothing good.
“That's not the reason you've been pulling away from me. Ever since... she died, you've distanced yourself from me. I hate that. You're my best friend.” Even though I want a hell of a lot more than that... “My first, and best friend, the only one to ever take me as I am. Even the others, Miroku and Sango, only accepted me at first, because you did. You accepted me on your own, without anyone elses say-so. And now, you're pulling away from me – trying to leave me behind. Why, Kagome?”
Hands clenched tight, her eyes filled with tears, and she blinked hard to fight them back. No matter which way things go, he's going to get hurt... but letting me go will be the lesser of two evils. With Kikyou back, any hurt he feels at my passing will be minimized, so... She inhaled deeply, then let it out slowly, and her shoulders slumped a little.
“I'm just... saying goodbye to everything, I guess - you know... just in case things don't go the way we all hope. I bet everyone's kinda doing the same thing in their own ways, since we don't know what fate really has in store for us,” she elaborated at his protesting growl. “It's not that I'm wishing for death, or anything, Inuyasha, but if it comes... I don't want to leave behind any regrets.” That should be vague enough... hopefully, even though it's not strictly true. “It's not like I haven't come close to death a few times on this journey, already, you know... remember Kaguya?”
“That was because you jumped in front of that arrow that was supposed to hit me, wench!” he yelled.
She shifted back in surprise, her face scrunching at his volume. “Yeah, and I'd do it again, baka! So... it could happen that I don't come out of this... that's all I'm saying,” she finished quietly.
He turned towards her and grabbed her by her upper arms, shaking her a bit. “And what if I don't want you to die for me, huh? What if I want you to live for me instead? I won't let you say goodbye to me, Kagome!” he snarled. “If you go, I go. That's all there is to it, and there's no point in arguing with me about it, because I don't care what you say!”
She shook her head at him sadly. “Inuyasha... there's some things you can't save me from, you know.” Her mind replayed his anguished words again... “I wanted to protect her forever.” It caused her throat to close up. You can't save me from yourself... or from my own choices, you silly baka, she thought fondly. And this is my choice... to give you a second chance at a life with your beloved.
Gritting his teeth, he pulled her into his chest, and wrapped his arms around her as tightly as he could. “If you go, I go, Kagome, don't think I don't mean it. So don't do anything stupid,” he mumbled into her neck where his face was pressed.
Oh... it feels so good to be held by him... I wish this moment could last forever... “I'm not planning anything stupid, I promise, Inuyasha,” she whispered as she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him with all the love she had in her heart for him. That's not a lie... “And besides – there's some things that are stronger than friendship – don't give up on life just because I'm gone.”
“There's nothing stronger than what I feel for you, Kagome. Nothing.”
Maybe not now... since Kikyou's gone. But if she were here again, you'd understand what I'm saying. Once she's back, you'll know what I meant. The friendship you feel for me is only the strongest thing now because the love of your life is gone. She tightened her grip for one long moment, then reluctantly released him, pulling back to look at him.
“Was that what you wanted to talk about? You just wanted to know what was bothering me?”
He eyed her suspiciously; he was more than aware that whatever it was she was hiding wasn't coming out – and with the things she had said, he had a pretty good idea that whatever she was planning was something that had a very good chance of killing her. He would not allow it – he'd be sticking by her side tighter than glue once they cornered Naraku. In the meantime...
“That was part of it,” he said softly, still looking down at her. “I-” he broke off as another voice interrupted him.
“Now that the dead one is gone, you chase the living?”
With an enraged snarl, Inuyasha released Kagome and leaped to his feet, rounding on his brother, he clenched his hands around Tessaiga, angrier than he could ever remember being at him. “What the fuck are you talking about, bastard?” he growled out, the sound deep and low - dangerous.
“I will not explain words that you understood full well – as did the miko,” Sesshoumaru replied, glancing at her and catching her pained wince. “If she is willing to accept second-hand affections, that is her concern – however, now is not the time for trysting. Magatsuhi is lurking, and I have no doubt he would love to destroy your miko. It would be best if you were to return to your village.” With that, the daiyoukai turned on his heel and left, leaving behind a brother that was so pissed he couldn't even move.
Dammit, why would he say something like that? Fuck! Why do people keep sayin' shit about Kagome and me that isn't true?
Breathing deeply as he tried to push his youkai blood back down, he glanced over his shoulder at Kagome, flinching at the look on her face, he growled again, and dropped to his knees, punching the ground with his fist. “Fuck! This is bullshit!” he howled.
Kagome couldn't get Sesshoumaru's words out of her head – they were true, after all, but that even he knew about his brother's feelings for Kikyou... and her place in the whole mess, really hurt. Turning away from Inuyasha, she sighed and shook her head. “Inu... we should go. Sesshoumaru's right – it's dangerous out here. We should go back to the village and make sure everyone's okay there.”
“Kagome, I...” he trailed off as she started to walk away. “Dammit, woman, where the hell are you going? I ain't finished!”
She paused, but didn't look back. “Inuyasha... I think enough has been said right now. Gomen, but... I don't think I can take anymore tonight. It's been a long day – and the next days are going to be even longer. We should take what rest we can, while we can.”
Fuck... she took what he said to heart, and she won't listen to anything I say right now. I'll just corner her tomorrow as soon as she comes back from her time – hopefully that will give her enough time to calm down.
Angrily, he bent down and motioned for her to get on his back. “Fine. We'll go back to the village – but this isn't over, Kagome. I have some things to say to you, and I'm going to fuckin' say them. Tomorrow, when you get back...” he stopped; she understood him, and he didn't say anything else as she climbed on and he took off back towards the village.
I'm so fuckin' tired of the damn interruptions!
-sSs-
“I wanted to protect her forever.”
Gasping, Kagome jerked awake, tears running down her face as that damn sentence echoed through her dreams over and over again.
“Now that the dead one is gone, you chase the living?”
Despite the fact that Kagome knew, and had accepted that Inuyasha would always love Kikyou, and that she, Kagome, was only a friend – a dear one, but only a friend nonetheless – it still hurt. Badly. While she would respect his feelings, and never try to take them from him or invalidate them, she couldn't turn her own feelings off just because they weren't returned, and the loss she was feeling was something that she would feel for the rest of her cursed existence.
Unfortunately, it looked as though she were fated to spend that cursed existence with Naraku... not a fate to look forward to – and all she would have were memories. Sometimes... in the dark of the night, and even though she had in fact chosen the fate she was going to bring on her own head due to her love of the golden-eyed hanyou, she still felt some bitterness... why couldn't he have loved her like she loved him – or at least, why couldn't her heart have turned to one who did return those feelings – like Hojo... or Koga?
But in the end, that bitterness couldn't keep a hold on her heart – because she did love Inuyasha that much. Love, when it was true, wasn't selfish. The eyes of love couldn't envy – because love was blind. And always, no matter how much it hurt, she always remembered that. That was why Akago couldn't grasp her soul – because her heart was true to itself, leaving almost no darkness in her soul for anything evil to take ahold of.
She sat up with a melancholy sigh, wrapping her arms around herself almost defensively. So many memories of him crowded her thoughts... memories of all the times they'd had together. He was so beautiful to her, every move he made only stoking her desire and her love higher. He made her heart ache always with his silver and gold colors – they echoed his spirit so strongly. Silver, gold... and crimson. Never would she ever be able to see those colors again without thinking of him.
A light flutter, a feeling as though something were touching her very soul – and suddenly, she could feel Inuyasha, just as strongly as if he were in the room with her, with a gasp, her eyes widened, and she knew, knew, that he was thinking of her just the same as she was thinking of him.
Inuyasha...
Kagome...
Baka girl... thinking she's gonna get out of it. We're gonna talk whether she likes it or not. And I'm not gonna let her do anything stupid, either – no matter what she's thinkin'. His eyes softened, then. Crazy wench, anyways. But beautiful. All black as night locks and pale, perfect skin. Blue eyes that go a stormy grey – I'll always see blue and green as her... all framed by ebony. Keh – even her hair has blue highlights to it. 'Course, she looks awfully good in red... like my suikan. And that dainty shell pink that crosses her cheeks when she's embarrassed... and it's always the color of her lips, too.
He growled. Now if I could just get a damn taste of those pretty lips I'd be a happy hanyou. But no... everybody and their damn friends have to keep interrupting! He slammed his head back into the trunk of his tree, frustration running through him again. Never thought I'd think of having friends as a hassle!
He scooted lower onto his branch, a sulky pout on his face. Right at that moment, it was like he could feel Kagome next to him, and the frustration welled up even stronger, finally overflowing his control as he growled and slammed a fist into the branch above him. With a splintering crack, the limb gave way, and he watched, irritation flaring in him, as it crashed into his perch and got caught.
Keh! I wish I had Naraku's ugly face here to punch... or maybe that mangy wolf. That last one was thought with considerably less heat, more a minor disgruntlement; after all, the stupid ookami had finally admitted defeat and given up his pursuit of Kagome... but still... cocky bastard even while doing it. Damn... it really feels like Kagome's sitting here next to me, 'cause now I can feel her annoyance at me for even thinkin' about kickin' that bastard's ass. Feh, he thought disgustedly. I shoulda kicked his ass a long time ago – but ain't no need to be thinkin' about it now. He's gone, so maybe I should just go smack the hentai around a little bit. I'm sure he's done something to piss Sango off by now...
A shiver ran up his spine at that; he could almost feel Kagome's warning glare on his back. Fine! He shouted into his mind. I won't kick anybody's ass – I'll just sit here and be frustrated until you get back tomorrow – and then I'll let it boil over until I get what I damn well want! Is a freakin' kiss too damn much to ask!
Women! Can't live with 'em...
And can't live without... her. Hear that, Kagome? Can't live without you. So don't make me hafta try – 'cause I won't. I already told you...
If you go, I go.
He hoped she got the message, because he didn't feel like dying. He wanted to live.
With her.
-sSs-
It was done.
Somehow, against all odds, they had defeated Naraku – and she had even purified all the miasma that had dropped on the village, along with the rest of the spider's carcass. Even she had been surprised at the strength of her reiki once Sesshoumaru had killed Magatsuhi and unsealed her powers.
But all that just meant that the end, for her, was coming. She knew already what Naraku had wished for – what the jewel had forced him to wish for. It was just like she'd already known – the jewel controlled him, not the other way around, and Naraku had been just as betrayed by the Tama in the end as everyone else that had ever touched it had been.
He'd even admitted it as he told them that he'd made a wish for the jewel's sake before he disappeared.
She wasn't sure how it was going to happen, but she knew any moment, she would be pulled into the jewel, as well; Naraku was already inside, waiting for her. She stared at the well, at the spot he had disappeared, the place the Shikon had disappeared, and then looked around once more, fixing everyone's faces in her mind one last time – she wanted to carry them into eternity with her.
Fear coiled, then, thick in her throat, and just in that instant, she felt a strange stirring behind her. Not even turning to look, she knew that her time was up, and as she got pulled away from all her friends, from Inuyasha, she cried out, frightened suddenly, so terrified, that as he tried desperately to reach her, she reached out for him, too, momentarily forgetting her desire to wish his love back to life.
Momentarily forgetting that this had to happen - so that she could.
When the meidou closed around her, though, with Inuyasha trapped on the other side, she remembered, and still crying, she accepted her fate. It was time to fool the Shikon no Tama into giving her what she wanted. If I succeed, and Kikyou comes back, and I wish the Tama away, I'll simply be bound to Naraku in hell, instead of inside the jewel, so I guess it doesn't make any difference. At least I know what to expect in hell, now... since I've already been there once.
“Eternal darkness, or eternal torment?” she murmured to herself. “Which is worse? At least... at least Inuyasha isn't trapped here, too. He's still free, so it turned out okay, I guess.”
A pulse thrummed through the dead air around her, and she twisted around in this strangely weightless void. It was the Shikon no Tama – still pierced through by her arrow. It pulsed again.
“Will you make a wish, or will you be trapped here for eternity?” it asked, it's voice oddly androgynous.
“I will make a wish, but only when I'm ready,” she said softly. I need... a little time to gather my courage.
She could feel an odd probing feeling, and knew that the Tama was trying to read her. I can't let it know the trick I'm going to play on it!
“So – you will wish for the hanyou to be happy?” it asked, something close to amusement in its voice.
That was when she knew that it was only guessing – it hadn't gotten anything from her. Now, if she could only keep it guessing until she was ready...
“And why shouldn't I?” she questioned angrily. “He deserves it!”
“Does he really, priestess? Would you like to see his heart? I can show it to you...” the voice trailed off, and she frowned, curious.
“What do you mean?”
“I will take you on a journey through your hanyou's heart. You will see much that you missed – his thoughts, his feelings... about everything.”
She didn't miss the peculiar intensity in its voice at that last part.
“That's not right – you shouldn't go poking around inside people's hearts and minds like that! That's just like Kaou,” she huffed.
“No – Kaou used what he found for his own purposes... I merely show you the truth. We will revisit Kaou's palace, have no worries.” With that, the darkness around them lightened, and Kagome found herself looking at a past scene... one she'd never wanted to see again.
“I remember this,” she whispered. “This was when we were fighting the Band of Seven. That time when we almost died from the poison of Mukotsu.” It was hard to watch, seeing as how she was viewing things from Inuyasha's point of view, since she'd been unconscious, and nearly dead.
“Hai. Do you see, priestess? How, though he is upset, he can barely bring himself to cry over your death? A bare, single tear... and he fought even that much, refusing to show any true grief over losing you.”
The scene changed at his words, Kagome's frown deepening. Where's it going with this? Like I didn't know Inuyasha refused to show grief?
“Do you recognize this scene, priestess?” the voice taunted. “This time – when his beloved Kikyou died? See the tears, the ones he couldn't shed for you, cascading, no, flooding, down his cheeks for her?”
Though Kagome had always known that Inuyasha loved Kikyou, not her, it didn't stop the hurt, the agony, that the Shikon's words brought – after all, she'd already acknowledged that she couldn't change her own feelings because he didn't return them.
Her face lowered, a hand coming up to clench over her heart in pain even as the Tama spoke again.
“So touching, don't you think? His grief is so raw and open... but not for you. And this is the male you would give up life, give up your very soul, for?”
With a sigh, she closed her eyes and nodded, still not looking up, tears of her own beginning to rim her eyes. “Yes. Always. I would give anything for him to be happy.”
The space they were in rumbled with the Tama's scoff. “Why? Why would you let yourself give so much for him?”
“Because I love him,” she said simply, looking nowhere but into her own heart and soul. “Because I always will.”
“How sweet – and utterly useless. Let's look at some other things, shall we?” With those words, the scene before her changed yet again, and this time, she recognized Kaou's palace of flowers. “I told you that you would see this place again. But this time, I will show you what Inuyasha dreamed... and the desires of his heart that dream brought out.”
Kagome was riveted to the vision before her, remembering clearly how badly the words Kaou had spoken about Inuyasha wanting to die to be with the 'woman he loved most in the world' had hurt. She really didn't want to hear it again.
Too late...
She could see Kikyou quite clearly offering her hand to Inuyasha, entreating him to go with her... and she watched with a heavy heart as he took the first tentative steps towards her outstretched hand, wanting to go with her, anguish settling into her... but anguish that she could see through. It didn't darken her the way the Tama obviously wanted – and hoped for.
“Yes... I see. He wanted to go to be with her. And that's why I want to wish him happiness. Because he deserves it – but he also deserves to live. He shouldn't have to go with her into death to be happy,” Kagome said ruefully. “I... as Kagome, can't be what he wants,” she admitted. “So wishing him happiness will give him what he truly wants – and we both know what that is.”
Not that the manipulative jewel needs to know that my true wish is actually for Kikyou to be brought back for him so they can live happily – the both of them. But that's something it's not going to find out until I'm ready, that's all there is to it.
“Why do you persist in wanting to wish for that hanyou to be happy?”
Kagome lifted her head, finally, and stared at the physical manifestation of the jewel. “Here's a better question – where's Naraku? I know he's around here somewhere.”
There was another pulse, and then a sense of surprise... and amusement. “Do you mean to say that you have actual pity for your vanquished foe? After everything that he has done?”
“And why wouldn't I?” she shot back angrily, her eyes flashing hotly. “After all, he didn't get what he really wanted, either. In the end, you betrayed him just like everyone else. And now, he's going to be trapped with me for eternity, when I know that's not what he wanted, any more than I did!”
“Hm. How true... just like your beloved hanyou, Naraku wanted Kikyou. Neither of them wants you... what is it about that other miko that they are so enamored with? What is it about her that you cannot measure up?”
Kagome was well aware it was just another taunt by the jewel; it was still trying to darken her soul. Apparently, it was rather thick – it hadn't learned anything from her encounters with Naraku.
“I don't know, and it doesn't really matter. Why are you still playing with me?”
“Because it is not yet time for the wish to be made – and you are not yet darkened enough to make it. We still have some time for another vision. How about this one?”
Once again, the vision changed, only this time, she was watching Inuyasha wandering along inside Naraku's body, after he'd slashed her and pushed her away from him. She was curious about this part of things... What happened for the Tama to show me this?
“Kikyou...”
Oh... he's reliving what happened between them fifty years ago, she thought, her heart clenching with pain.
'I never realized that the two of us had fallen into Naraku's trap... hating and hurting each other. Or that Kikyou ended up dying.'
“Kikyou... I'm going to protect you this time. I won't let anyone kill you again.”
'But in the end, I couldn't save you.'
“Do you see, little miko? Even after attacking you, and leaving you for dead, you, and the danger he'd put you in, weren't even in his thoughts,” the voice gloated as the vision faded out, the pain radiating from Kagome now easily felt within the Tama itself. “Even dead, she holds him, heart and soul, and all he feels for you is responsibility. When he even bothers to remember you at all.”
The jewel's words were poison, and it knew it, it was counting on that poison tainting her beyond redemption. If it did, the Tama would become indestructible, with her soul, as well as that of Midoriko, fueling it for eternity. With both fallen priestesses, as well as their opponents, trapped for all time inside itself, it would live on in this world – forever – and no one would ever be able to banish it.
Immortality.
That was what the Shikon no Tama truly wished for itself, and only with her soul, and corrupt wish, could it achieve that.
In order to reach that goal, it would continue to do everything it could to poison and taint the pure heart of the priestess Kagome.
-sSs-
Inuyasha was in an absolute panic.
After Kagome's return the day of her graduation, they'd been immediately swept up in the battle with Naraku, and now this. She'd disappeared – and all due to the will of the Shikon no Tama. They'd never had the chance to have that talk... and Inuyasha was completely positive that one fact was about to cause all sorts of hell for him.
Whatever Kagome's planning, I bet it's going to happen soon – which means I have to find her!
That brought him to where he was now – leaping into a meidou with the plea to Tessaiga to take him to Kagome. Hopefully, it would work, and he'd be able to find her. He was uncomfortably aware that this would be his greatest challenge yet – none of the other times he'd saved her would compare to this one.
And not only because the Tama was involved.
No... because he was pretty damn sure that Kagome herself had no plans to come out of this alive.
But he'd promised – in more ways than one.
First, he'd promised her – to protect her with his life – second, he'd also promised that if she went, he would, too. And then, just a few minutes ago, he'd heard her grandfather, mother, and brother calling out for her – and he'd sworn he'd find her and bring her back to them.
He planned on keeping that promise, and the others.
It wasn't, however, helping, that he was getting accosted by all these stupid low-level demons – it was only pissing him off.
Especially as they were insisting that Kagome was going to be stuck here forever... and that there was nothing he could do about it.
Like hell.
He was startled to see a human flash by, battling a hoard of youkai – until the ones bothering him mentioned who it was – and where, exactly, he was.
“That is the miko who created the Shikon no Tama.”
“So... that's Midoriko?” he asked, astonished, and a bit awed to be seeing the famed priestess.
“She has continued to fight us for hundreds of years... ever since the Shikon was born. Kagome will suffer the same fate,” the youkai taunted.
“Like hell I'll let that happen!” he screamed, letting loose another Kaze no Kizu – not that it seemed to have much effect.
He was, however, quite shocked, when the light from his last strike faded... leaving him facing a huge web – with Naraku at the center of it.
“Naraku?! You're still alive?”
“He's dead, but he will soon awaken. When Kagome gives into her fear of the darkness, and falls victim to the Shikon jewel, Naraku will reawaken, and a new battle of souls will begin. A battle that will never end. When the Shikon jewel was transported through time to the Sengoku Jidai, Kagome's fate was sealed.”
“So you're telling me that Kagome's soul, and Naraku's soul, will be the next to fight inside the jewel?” he snarled incredulously.
“That's right. Kagome was born to become a part of the jewel, and fight within it!”
“You're wrong! That's not why Kagome was born!” he shouted, as he flung another surge of energy from Tessaiga at the youkai. Kagome taught me how to smile, and how to believe in other people! Kagome was the reason I could make friends, and rely on those friends. To shed tears for others... to understand true strength and kindness... they're all things I learned from Kagome! He stared angrily into the void, certainty surging inside him as his next thought literally tore up from the depths of his soul...
Kagome was born to meet me... and I was born for her!
As that thought breached the edges of his mind, and was accepted through his entire being, a thrum came from the void around them, and a light grew from the darkness...
To the hanyou's disbelief and shock, a miko appeared...
But it wasn't Kagome, and it wasn't Midoriko.
It was Kikyou, in all her glory – as she had once been... in life.
-sSs-
A/N: Sorry about the cliffie... but it was just too perfect to waste.
A couple things... one, this one is taking some time to finish, because of all the time I have to put into it. All the parts that are canon, I am taking straight from the anime, and that means I have to keep re-watching the episodes as I need, so that I can quote directly. That takes time.
Second. As you can see, most of the story goes along with canon anime. However, there are divergences... and there will continue to be some. As I stated in the beginning, this is how I would have ended things – I feel that the canon storyline ignored far too much of the angst that they handed Kagome, or simply glossed over it. That's why I'm writing this.
Third. Originally, I had planned this to be a two chapter story – but it's going to go to three, as I warned that it might. I just couldn't get everything I wanted into two chapters. Hope everyone is happy with that.
Fourth. I didn't bother with describing the whole final battle with Naraku. By now, most fans have either read the manga, or seen the final episodes, so I didn't feel like taking the time to write out something that was really only peripheral to this tale. Sorry for those who wanted a recap – it would have taken far too long.
And finally, as stated before, this fic will update for the final chapter when it gets there, and not before. I refuse to rush it. I know that it can be frustrating to get so into a fic, and then have to wait... but it's worse when an author caves and rushes something, and makes a mess of an otherwise awesome fic. I won't do that here, so please, have patience.
Ja Ne,
Amber