InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Kiyou Nitsuite Amedare: Ten, Tentou, ken Touhou ❯ Juushi Bundan ( Chapter 14 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

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Juushi Bundan

"Beautiful, Kikyou-chan! Just beautiful!" my Sensei praised me that day, as she did often during my twelfth year. At times then, she would comment she was unsure the reason I was still in school, but I had only strived for perfection.

My heart as Kikyou, and as Kagome, beat as one when I danced... and at times I would tremble at the thought.

But I had sought the day I would not be afraid of my transformation. Instead, I wanted to feel as if I were a butterfly, fluttering easily amongst the hana.

Though, somewhere in the back of my thoughts, a tiny whispering voice would always remind me I was to be the moth... a moth drawn to a dying flame, and I could not help but feel at times I might be seeking my own downfall.

But it was all I could do.

I was drawn to it, the beauty of the light, the promise of something different... and I reached for it when others said I did not deserve it.

So, I would glide, and I would float, and the Sensei's flattery fell on my deaf ears. For it was not her for whom I danced.

And those times, I wondered if she spoke such things to me simply so I would graduate to a Maiko.

She would question, who was to be my Onee-san?

I, too, wondered this.

Sango-chan had already moved on, and graduated the final dance test with an amazing grace and confidence I felt I could only pale in comparison to. Yet, she would speak on how she wished she had my talent...

In truth, perhaps there could not be a comparison.

It was comparing fire and water, and one could not do such a thing...

"Ah, ah! Kikyou-chan, raise your chin! Be confident, elegant! Geisha do not watch their feet!"

Once again, I had been second-guessing myself. The sharp disappointment I had come to be familiar with, in myself, in my surroundings... filled me.

Was I ever to learn?

Was I ever to know the smell of the hana up close? In a way no other could know...?

'You only have a moment's time in battle, Kagome, in which you must follow your instincts. You can never second-guess yourself, because by the time you do, you shall fall to your enemy's blade,' my mind recalled my Otou-san's words as he demonstrated this ideal to me with a comrade of his... They were still, and Otou-san's hand was confident as he held his bokken out before him.

I know... I had saw what he meant.

And while Otou-san never removed his eyes from his opponent, his comrade was distracted by those around him... the noises of his surroundings, the movements of all other than my Otou-san.

And it was then Otou-san struck out, taking advantage of his lack of focus, and easily knocked away the bokken of the other. I was certain the man was surprised, staring down the wooden blade of Otou-san's bokken...

'Yield.'

And his comrade submitted.

I remembered, he came to me, giving me one of those rare smiles as he spoke to me. My heart fluttered, that he might take such special notice of me that particular day... I was flushed, young... perhaps only four.

But the words he gave me never departed from my mind.

'You must remain focused. Only in this way shall you achieve your goals... through discipline. And through Kami-sama.'

"Tch! Chin up, girl! How many times must I tell you today?"

I know I must have appeared confused, though I did not stop. And that is she, for some reason, became flustered and dramatic as one might be in kabuki theater.

Then again, I remember how the woman always struck me as flighty as a sparrow.

"I think you are done for today, Kikyou-chan! Your heart is not shining as it usually is, bright as the eastern sunrise, and your dance reflects that!"

I became still at her words, and mayhaps a bit offended, though I did not show it in my face.

Instead, I bowed to my Sensei and thanked her for her time, and apologized for wasting it, and took my leave.

I wondered, I distinctly recall, who was she to assume she understood my heart?

Who was she to think she saw it?

I know I was irritated for some mention or another I could not place, and it also made me sad.

I did not understand the source of what ailed me, but I was put out on my walk home.

I also know I wondered... why could I not be like my Otou-san?

...my Okaa-san?

Why could I not have their strength of soul?

Their strength of person?

Okaa-san seemed to not let anything affect her, regardless of how harsh the words she heard may have been.

How cold the world may have treated us after the death of Otou-san...

She was beautiful and noble to her dying breath, and I wanted to honor her memory by being as beautiful as she...

...But it seemed every other turn that summer was another wall I must scale. Another obstacle I had to overcome.

I was at a stand still.

...and they were all products of my own mind.

I stopped walking that day, my eyes glued to the stones of the street, the tabi that covered my toes, the geta that adorned my feet... and I knew...

My epiphany.

I had made a prisoner of myself.

In my own insecurities, in my own delusions, and in my own world I had become a victim to myself.

I was callous to those around me, but I was damaging myself the worst.

And for some unknown factor, that thought was unbearable to me at that moment.

I went through the rest of the day thoughtlessly, trapped within my own realization.

Not even did I share it with Sango-chan, who told me the events of the day with her Onee-sama... Kaede.

Kaede... had not changed Sango-chan's name, strangely, when she became her Onee-sama.

She had said her name was beautiful enough as it was.

It was not typical for a Maiko, but Sango-chan seemed relieved nonetheless.

I listened, only half-heartedly to my disappointment, as I went about my chores. Sango-chan was no longer obliged to do them... she had earned her passage, so to speak, while I refused to move from my place in time.

Not only for my own selfish reasons that were perhaps a bit strange and unrealistic, but also because there was not one Geisha who wished to be my Onee-sama...

At least, not to my knowledge.

It seemed I was scorned, that the one to take me would be lowering herself, would be cursing herself.

And none wished to loose precious prestige in that world.

You were only as beautiful as the company you kept, and the movements you had... the words you gave, and the mask you held in place for all the rest to see.

No one was to know your true heart.

And I suppose, that was why I had been so angry with my Sensei.

She had defiled that notion by saying I wore my heart in the open when I danced...

It almost made me wish to stop then...

Almost.

But I knew, dancing was in my soul, and I could not easily leave behind something that had become such a part of me.

...It had become the only way I could speak what in my heart, I meant.

"What do you think, Kikyou-chan? Do you think I shall do well?" Sango-chan asked me, then. I had been so distracted, I was not sure what she was speaking of, but there was something that was a truth regardless...

...a truth I knew in my soul to be.

"I believe that you shall do well with whatever path you choose, Sango-chan."

I had spoken simply, and honestly.

...And she flushed, happiness apparent in those eyes so like cinnamon, and she hugged me then. I know I was not expecting it, and I returned in likeness the gesture... but with slack.

"Oh, Kikyou-chan... you always say the things I most need to hear! Thank you for being such a dear friend."

When she pulled from me, I had been disheartened. She stole a quick goodbye, and went off to get dressed for another meeting that night.

Sango-chan... thirteen, a year older than I... would paint her face white... and adorn kimono, and obi. She would paint her lips red, and she would talk lightly like a flame in winter.

For that was the spirit of Sango...

She brought warmth and light in the darkness, and when she had told me I was dear to her... she brought the same fire to my soul.

And I was sorrowed by it.

I was angered by it.

Hurt by it.

When she, so precious and so full of life, filled with such promise for a wonderful future... found me to be dear to her...

I wanted to cry.

I did not belong in her world.

I didn't deserve her kindness.

And so, I went on with my chores, continuing routine that night until it was time for me to bed.

And I remember, the last thought I had in my mind before I slumbered was this--

'If I really deserve such a future, Kami-sama... a future as beautiful as Sango-chan may have... give me a sign , or let me leave this cursed joke behind.'

Never before had I pleaded with Kami-sama. I knew, my anger for Kami-sama not that long ago had been great. I felt that Kami-sama had been cruel to me...

And still, I wondered, if that cruelty should linger.

I waited in the still darkness, alone in that room with only the sound of my breathing and the pumping of my heart thundering in my ears as company...

And I waited.

I was not sure how long I did, but eventually I slept without knowing.

And when I woke, I awoke with anger.

Never did I receive a sign.

...I was a mockery.

I was not sure if that night I was expecting heaven to come down and greet me, and let me know differently...

Either way, I had been impatient.

Things, I realize now, are gradual. They must be done with care if they are to progress forward well. If one is to rush things, often they must go back to correct them. It is better to take things slow, and do it right the first time.

...it was a lesson I had to learn on my own, but an important one nonetheless.

I still see, in my old age, my peers around me making that very mistake. And it saddens me, when I see youth doing the same. When they have leisure, the ability and the time and the precious years ahead of them to do it right.

And now, I drift down the stream of life like a solitary petal, allowing it to take me where it leads me.

For I am but one stitch in the kimono of the world...

I know I am beautiful nonetheless, inside. I have come to accept myself, in my flaws and imperfections, for I know that is the way Kami-sama has designed me... and in the next life, and the life after that, I shall learn to be ever more beautiful.

But when I was a girl of but twelve years, I had not yet come to see this. My vision was narrow, and my hopes were low. My standards of myself were high, for it took me long to see perfection is something that takes lifetime upon lifetime to achieve.

And only then would I reach Nirvana.

But then, I was but a little girl with a broken heart... far more broken than even I knew.

For when your heart is broken, you live in a single-roomed house. And all you do to pass the time is stare out the window, coveting the beauty that lies outside, and all you know is the choas on the inside.

You do not know you cannot open the front door to let the sunshine in, and you do not know how beautiful the house can be if only you put it in order.

Instead, you envy that which you see, and see not what you have.

Perhaps, that morning, Nigou-san had seen me staring out that window, looking far more forlorn than usual. Perhaps, that morning, she saw the way my eyes were to rain.

I am not sure.

I had never asked, though I had wanted to... but Nigou-san is now long gone, and may she rest in Nirvana easily, for it is she who deserves that far more than any other acquantice I may have met.

"Kikyou-chan," she had said my name, so gently I might have not heard if I had not been standing right next to her.

I remember, raising my eyes to hers, something I did not often do... never did I make eye contact with those around me, when I would see the hatred there so clearly.

The scorn...

...But in her eyes was a softness, a kindness I was not accustomed to.

"Hai, Nigou-san?"

I was sure she had a list of chores for me to do that day.

What she did next was, indeed, a shock to me.

...This was my sign, the beginning that day when heaven would bend down to me and caress me, and let me know I was loved...

Though I did not take it for what it was that day.

Instead, I allowed my insecurities to overcome me, and to feel unworthy.

"Take this change purse, Kikyou-chan," she had told me, as she handed a small velvet pouch to me. "Go, and have shaved ice this day. Look at the plum blossoms. Stand at the edge of the river. Have sweet dumplings and green tea. Buy yourself unagi, or a kanazashi, or whatever it is in your heart pleases you. Go, and have a day to yourself. I shall make an excuse for you, and I am sure little Sango-chan would be more than happy to help me."

I was left speechless.

I never even thanked her properly, to my memory, as she ushered me into my geta sandals and tabi socks and out the shoji door.

"Come back by sundown. May you have a blessed day, small child."

The door was closed upon me, and I stood there, staring at it in awe... as if it were a classical painting by a man with a famous muse, and my heart had been moved.

Which, indeed, it had been.

I... am uncertain how long I stood there.

But it felt like I stood on the edge of eternity, staring down the mouth of destiny, looking at the white patchwork of the shoji door.

And I didn't know, until I felt the tiny drops fall upon the hand that held that tiny purse, clutched so tightly my knuckles turned white...

I touched my face with nervousness, an anxiety I didn't comprehend.

...And when my fingertips drew back...

...they were wet with my tears...

Glossary:

Hana- Flower
Maiko-Apprentice Geisha
Bokken-Wooden training sword
Kanzashi-Hair ornament with draping silk flowers, generally worn by Maiko