InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Let's Get Sesshoumaru Laid! ❯ Sesshoumaru and Kagome ( Chapter 1 )

A/N: Oh, my God! I wrote humor! This is just a little something I wrote for the Hell of it, inspired by Ima Blabbermouth's “Rating of Inuyasha.” She got me to wondering, you know, Sesshy DOES have more romantic pairings in fanfiction then anyone else in the IY universe. So now, I present you with my version of the disease. I basically paired up Fluffy with every IY character I could think of and wrote a chapter on it. I still can't believe I wrote this.

 

WARNING: Bad language, blatant sexual references, and extremely sick humor. Not for the kiddies.

 

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own tortured mind. (I still can't believe I wrote this---)

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Chapter 1: Sesshoumaru and Kagome

 

By Kenkaya

 

 

 

Kagome stirred in her sleep and let out a moan. Her brain pounded painfully against her skull in a heated, erratic rhyme. Now Kagome (being the stereotypically well-behaved schoolgirl she is) had never touched a drop of liquor in her life, but she was suspiciously certain this is what a hangover felt like.

 

It was then that Kagome managed to concentrate enough through her agony to notice the warm arm draped across her and the silver hair tickling her nose.

 

Inuyasha? Why is he sleeping with me? Does he---?

 

At that moment Kagome turned around, expecting anything from an extremely nervous Inuyasha to a naked hanyou.

 

She certainly wasn't expecting to see the serene face of a sleeping Sesshoumaru.

 

Next, she became grossly aware of his nudity--- and her--- own? At this point, all sane though left Kagome. She was in bed with the lord of the Western Lands. He was nude. So was she. And she was kind of sore---

 

Kagome then did the only equally logical thing she could do; she screamed bloody murder.

 

Sesshoumaru jumped up and grazed the ceiling with his claws like a puffy, scared shitless cat. His sensitive youkai ears rang with the woman's screams. He immediately jumped back down to the bed to shut the hysterical human girl up. His mind connected with the fact that a human woman was in HIS bed screaming. His observations and thought process were a bit faster than Kagome's.

 

“WHAT THE FUCK?!”

 

The dog youkai abandoned his usually expressionless façade and settled for a look of sheer panic. He could smell the dissipating aroma of sex lingering on himself and the human. And this wasn't just ANY human. No, it just had to be his useless, pathetic hanyou brother's wench. And why couldn't he remember a goddamn thing from last night?! He was acutely aware of a small throb that he recognized as a recovering drug hangover. His remaining arm glowed green. Someone was going to die for this but, first things first---

 

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED, WOMAN?!” he really wasn't in the mood for tact.

 

Kagome sniffled and stared at the imposing figure. She was scared, sore and just lost her virginity to the man (?) who tried to kill herself and the love of her life on numerous occasions. She didn't know what she should feel through the whirlwind of emotions tearing through her pounding head. So, for lack of a stronger term, she settled for pissed-off bitch mode.

 

Sesshoumaru watched in horrid fascination as the cowering figure's face turned from downright fear to outright furious. He continued to stare blankly as she grabbed the nearest solid item (a carelessly positioned Tensaiga lying across his discarded sash) and began mercilessly bashing him over the head with it, sheath and all. He listened in shock as she punctuated each hit with screams of “HENTAI!” with the occasional “Insensitive jerk!” and “Heartless bastard!” thrown into the mix.

 

Sesshoumaru drew the line at the “Goddamn, horny she-male!” comment. Nobody fucked with his sexuality, especially someone who just fucked him. Without his SOBER consent.

 

He grabbed her wrist in mid-swing and pulled her forward until she was inches from his face.

 

“Question my masculinity again, and I will pull your intestines slowly from your abdomen with my bare claws.”

 

“EXCUSE ME?!” Kagome bellowed. “I just woke up in YOUR bed. You probable drugged me, kidnapped me, and--- and--- INUYAAAAAAASHAAAAA!!!!!!!!” she bellowed and broke down into noisy tears.

 

Sesshoumaru snarled and dropped the woman back on the sheets. He wasn't going to get any answers out of her.

 

Inuyasha and crew choose that precise moment to barge in.

 

“Kagome!” Inuyasha cried, having heard the girl's tears. His entire face (and body) slackened at the sight. Miroku oogled, Sango rushed to cover Shippou's already de-virginized eyes, and Kirara prepared to join Inuyasha in ripping Sesshoumaru's head off.

 

“SESSHOUMARU! YOU FUCKING BASTARD! DIE!” Inuyasha shouted as he unsheathed Tessaiga.

 

“Do you honestly think I WANTED to bed your HUMAN bitch, HANYOU?!” Sesshoumaru screeched back.

 

In yet another case of bad timing, Rin and Jaken burst in after the intruders. Jaken stood petrified with open jaws while Rin took one quick glace at Sesshoumaru's lower body and ran away screaming at the top of her lungs, “Sesshoumaru-sama's being eaten by an ah-ni-cone-da!”

 

Sesshoumaru ignored this and continued with his tirade, “Ask the human, we were both drugged and I woke up to her screaming her FUCKING HEAD OFF! AND SHUT YOUR BITCH UP FOR GOD'S SAKE!”

 

Kagome continued crying, loudly, and rocked back and forth on her knees, “I'm not a virgin ANYMORE! I--- I wanted Inuyasha to be my FIRST!”

 

Inuyasha's face grew red, “I don't care if you are innocent, Sesshoumaru! I NEED TO KILL SOMETHING!”

 

“Then kill the bastard who did this! God, at least she's acting better about this situation that you did last week.”

 

Inuyasha stiffened and turned several shades of green.

 

“Tha--- That was real?”

 

“And what else would it be, BROTHER!”

 

“I--- I thought tha--- that--- that was a--- a nightmare!”

 

“Afraid not. After you passed out from puking, I dressed you and dropped you off with your companions before you woke.”

 

Everyone watched wordlessly as Inuyasha walked zombie-like to the wall and began to systematically bash his head against it.

 

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”

 

Sesshoumaru smirked at the hanyou's antics and quirked an eyebrow. What he was about to do would humiliate him greatly, but Sesshoumaru was not about to let that get in the way of having fun at his brother's expense.

 

“Looking for more, Inuyasha?”

 

Inuyasha stopped and turned several more shades of green before continuing his self-abuse.

 

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!”

 

“I Wanna Go HOME!” Kagome wailed.

 

Sesshoumaru turned to the crying girl, frustration written all over his face. Everybody (expect Kagome and Inuyasha, who was still banging his head against the wall) involuntarily stepped back. Sesshoumaru was showing emotion. This did not bode well.

 

“One more noise out of you, and I'll puncture a lung. Maybe the loss of air will finally shut you up!”

 

Inuyasha came to just enough to realize Sesshoumaru had threatened Kagome's life. He immediately jumped up, grabbed the youkai's arm and flung his surprised brother into the adjacent wall. He barred the way with fangs flashing at his sibling lying on the ground.

 

Sesshoumaru lifted himself off the ground with as much dignity as he could muster while stark naked. He was not a happy camper. He shot an amber-eyed glare toward the hanyou and his human.

 

“It's not like the wench has anything to complain about,” Sesshoumaru spat out in anger. This brought Kagome back into pissed-off bitch mode.

 

“NOTHING?! Why how DARE YOU! You're self-absorbed, arrogant, frigid, stuck-up, self-centered, and a pre-mature ejaculator!”

 

Sesshoumaru stared in stock, Inuyasha's jaw hit the floor, Jaken remained in the same position, and Miroku said, “Why, Kagome-sama, I had no idea you were into those things,” while Sango attempted to shield what little innocence Shippou had left by covering his ears with the other arm. Kirara was simply at a loss. Kagome slapped a hand over her mouth.

 

“I--- I honestly have no idea where that came from.”

 

“I honestly don't want to know,” Inuyasha replied sincerely.

 

“Look,” Sesshoumaru sighed. “I'm not in the mood to deal with this. Take your human bitch and go. Someone obviously has a personal vendetta against one of us and when I find them, I will tear then limb from limb. I DO NOT appreciate waking up next to my brother or his HUMAN woman.”

 

Inuyasha nodded wearily and scooped a weeping Kagome into his arms.

 

“Save some of the bastard for me,” Inuyasha grated as he wrapped his fire-rat haori around Kagome's nude figure. The group promptly left the bedchamber.

 

Sesshoumaru flopped back on his bed and seemed to suddenly remember something.

 

“Jaken,” the youkai lord called.

 

“Y--- Yes, Sesshoumaru-sama!” Jaken bowed, snapping out of his stupor.

 

“Go take care of Rin.”

 

“H--- Hai, Sesshoumaru-sama!”