InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Letters From The Heart ❯ I Love You ( Chapter 2 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Letters From The Heart
Two

From Inuyasha, to Kagome

I Love You

Kagome,
Where do I start? The point is, what am I even writing for-? I don't write. And it's not like I'm going to give this to you in the end. Everything you know about me is a lie, everything. I've done things that you would never forgive me for. So I can be totally different in this `letter'. I might as well be writing to myself.

You want to know the first thing? You're right. After giving me that letter… I hated myself. But not in the way you think. I didn't reject you, did I? I may have stormed out… but that-
God. You took it as rejection, right?

I was… confused. Upset. Angry. But not at you. At myself. I don't deserve you.
Inside, your words did make me smile. But not on the outside. You saw that. I could see your heart breaking, but you have it wrong - don't you get that?

What am I supposed to do to show you how much I care? If you know how I feel then why don't you do something about it? Or rather, why don't we do something about it? Why is it that whenever I see you alarm bells go off in my head?
Why is it that I can't bring myself to do anything except get jealous and angry and do stupid stuff like… like pretending to be all macho and bigheaded?

Because it's just pretend. In the end, that's all it is. Inside I'm this little kid, right? A kid who had no past and has no future. Who watched his mummy die. There. In front of him. Just… burn out. She was getting so tired… I could see it happening, but I didn't know!

And there I was, Kagome. Just sat there, waiting for her to wake up and she never did. I knew the bad people would get me - they'd kick me out. And they did. I was the freak. I always will be. My own brother even thinks so. And when my own flesh and blood thinks that… then what hope is there for me?

But I don't care what other people think. I've buried that little child inside of me - piling on top mounds of hate and anger and… `and' what? Evil? After all I've done, I'm not evil. You know that.

Inside: I'm a paranoid, frightened little kid who just wants some attention. But I don't admit that, I know. Outside: I'm what everybody knows and what everybody sees. A man. Well. I pretend. I'm very good at pretending.
I like to think I'm brave and cold-hearted and can just block out my past forever. But I can't.

I've been disowned and hated too many times for the scars to rub off. It hurts - deep down. But that's gradually healing. That's your doing. Thank you. If not for everything, then for that. You're making all the wrong fall away and you're revealing me - the real me. And it feels so great to be free…

But what am I saying? You wouldn't understand, couldn't understand. I won't let you, because I don't need sympathy. I don't need pity - I don't even have any pity for myself. I made myself what I am. That's the way it has to be.

And despite all you know about me you still love me? Why? You haven't done anything to have someone like me thrust on you, so why put up with me? I don't blame you for taking off like you do - you don't need my permission, Sango was right. But… I like to know. It's nice to know that you're safe and not dead.

What would I do if you died? I don't know. Honestly. Probably surrender to the darkness. Or probably find another arrow and attach myself to a tree. Or perhaps just stay under water for a good half-an-hour… then maybe never come back up. Well, not without vengeance first. You can expect that of me, right?

And if I am forced to live without you… I'd think of you everyday. You were the only person that treated me like an equal after my mother died. And Miroku, Shippo and Sango only followed suit because they trusted you. You don't know what it means to me, to finally have friends. It… hurts.

It hurts in a good way. My insides seem to scream some sort of warning whenever I'm with you guys because somehow I know it's all going to end. But I won't let it. I want you to know that. Whatever happens, I won't let our friendship end.

Well, our friendship - yours and mine…. well, what if we let it end? What if we took it… took the next stage? Do you reckon that we'd survive it?
You really don't know what you mean to me, do you? After reading this - if you ever will - you still won't understand it.

And I hope you know that you're not second best. Kikyo's dead. You're alive. End of discussion. Now I know you feel the same as me then it just spells it out for me, doesn't it? I'm not gonna throw my life away. That's not my style, remember? I never back down.

But choosing between you and Kikyo…? You should know that there's no real fight, Kagome. You two - you're the same person, how do you expect me to choose? Well, I have now, and you don't have to worry any more.
Besides, I don't think I'd like to caress clay. I'd much prefer skin.

God. I can't believe I just put that! What was I thinking? Well, like I said, it's not like you're reading this.
So there's really no point to this letter. I can rip it up, can't I? Get out all my frustration. I hope you don't mind that I borrowed some paper. Oh, and your pen - sorry.

And still, after writing all this down, I can't say that line. Even though you won't read this, I can't put it. I can't. So, just know that I wish we were together. I wish that you and I would be together. But eventually your human life will rob you from me. I'm a demon; I'll outlive you… well, maybe not. Maybe I'd let go of life - maybe my heart would break - before I could be away from you too long.

Would we even go to the same place? Doubt it. You're too good for me, you know? I deserve to rot in hell after what I did today. After running away and leaving you. And sneaking back in again. I grabbed the stuff I needed to reply to you, but I don't actually have the guts to give this to you.

See? I'm not as strong as you are.
Because I can't even say one sentence. Can't even write it. It's just so hard… to get over my character, my principles, my reasons…

You think I hate you. You think I ripped your letter up. I didn't. It's here in my hand while I'm writing this. And I'm hurting. I'm hurting inside after the way I treated you. I hate to see you cry. But I let you, and I was the reason you cried. I hate that. No, I don't just hate that - I hate myself, too.

So before this letter blows away, I'll end it. And I'll keep it along with yours. So I can look back and know how I felt about you… how I feel about you if I ever forget - if we ever have an argument. Rather, not `if' we have another argument, but `when'. It's only a matter of time.

Remember: you're not a stupid human, Kagome; you're much, much more than that.
You're my stupid human.

…Not really. I'll finish here.
Just know that I'm missing you - even now. I'm sat on the well and it's bloody uncomfortable! I'm waiting for you to come back, so I can say sorry. Because I don't have the guts to go back and say it there. I'll let you come to me. You might just think that I'm angry if I go to your time…

And you're right. I do miss you when you're away. It's painful - ha, everything to me is painful! I have to be with you, otherwise it eats me up inside. Know that. Please.
And here, I'll try to write the words that you did. That you can write, yet I can't. But all we can do is try, right?

Here goes…

I. Love. You.
With all my heart.

Know that…

…Even if you don't think I have a heart.