InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Letting Go...And Holding On ❯ Chapter Four ( Chapter 4 )

The moon is dissolving into the faded navy-blue of twilight as morning approaches. The stars are dimming out, leaving only a small scattering of them still visible in the dusky haze of pre-dawn. Kagome is lying down on the damp grass to watch as they vanish, one by one. It's almost morning, she realizes. Inuyasha's usually back by this time. I hope he didn't run into some kind of trouble out there…

She snorts derisively. He's with Kikyo. That's only trouble for me. A twinge of sharp pain grasps her heart, followed by a wave of aching sadness. She sighs.

I understand better now, but I can't help how I feel. I still feel jealous and angry. This is just so painful! The longer I'm with Inuyasha...the more it hurts to see him running off to Kikyo every time I turn around. To know that he still loves her. To Know that...to know that...

A translucent film graces Kagome's eyes as she struggles to finish the thought.

…To know that he'll never loveme! The pain is too unbearable for her to keep inside any longer. She rolls onto her stomach, and bathes the grass with her tears. Her respiration comes in long, shaky breaths, releasing all her tortured emotions into them.

After a few moments, she finally feels empty enough to continue her abstraction. But I am the one who decided to stay with Inuyasha, despite knowing he had chosen Kikyo over me. That decision gets harder to live with every day. Maybe…maybe instead of letting go of the hope of ever having Inuyasha for myself, I should just let go of Inuyasha. She rolls back to her previous position and sits up, knees-to-chest, too miserable to find lying down relaxing or enjoyable. She encircles her legs with her arms and rests her damp cheeks on her knees, her sniffling nose peeking out from between the bony knobs.

The sun begins to peek out drowsily from behind the curve of the earth, as if awakening from a deep sleep, gleaming like polished brass. It reminds Kagome of Inuyasha's large, elliptical eyes. She smiles at the thought, lifting her head. Her long, onyx waves fall around her face, providing a natural curtain for her reddened eyes to hide behind. The sun's beams struggle to reach through the black veil to dry the remnants of her tears. She exhales defeatedly. No, I can't do that this time any more than I could before. I love Inuyasha with all my heart. I can't imagine a life without him in it. I can't leave him. I can't forget him. I can't let him go. And I can never, ever stop loving him.

Ah…her eyes pop open wide as a realization springs to mind. That's it! Inuyasha's doing exactly what I'm doing now! I mean, I guess I've kinda known it all along, in the back of my mind…and I saw it in part last night…but now it's so much clearer…so obvious! I really don't have a right to be mad at Inuyasha… He's only following his heart, just as I do. I can't blame him for that. He's always loved Kikyo and now she's dead! Inuyasha blames himself at least partly for her death, if not just as much as he blames Naraku! As if all that wasn't enough, his dead beloved continues to walk around as if she were still alive! I can't even begin to imagine how much anguish Inuyasha must feel…he must hurt even more than I do…

Pangs of guilt and remorse take the place of her previous despondency. Come to think of it, his eyes…I never really thought about it before…his eyes always have a certain sadness about them when he returns from a visit with Kikyo. I've just been too wrapped up in my own feelings to notice! I've never really given thought to how Inuyasha must feel… All I've thought of when he's gone off to see Kikyo was how much it hurt me...how it made me feel...I've gotten angry with him...I've even...

She pauses as a sigh of self-reproach makes its way out. I've even SAT him for it! What's wrong with me?! Her head bows low as her shoulders slump. I've been so selfish, she thinks with downcast eyes, so self-absorbed. I'm so ashamed. I mean...how would I feel in his place? Feeling terribly guilty, she distractedly fondles a blade of grass. “I'm sorry, Inuyasha,” she whispers.

After a few silent moments, Kagome vows into the wind, “From now on, Inuyasha, I will truly be there for you. I've been too selfish at the times you've needed me most…I promise from this day on to put my own heartache aside and tend to yours instead.” Grounded in her determination to do right by Inuyasha, Kagome's heart lightens.

Feeling better, she gets to her feet and turns toward the camp. Three pairs of eyes suddenly change direction as her comrades each pretend to be busied with something other than watching Kagome. A little smile brightens her face as she chuckles softly to herself. Who do they think they're kidding? Her smile widens.