InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Letting Go...And Holding On ❯ Chapter 3 ( Chapter 3 )

Kikyo takes a deep breath. This is one of the hardest things she's ever had to say. "Inuyasha," she forges ahead bravely, "Kagome has been your constant companion ever since she freed you from my arrow. She has risked her life for you many times, and saved you from death more than once. She is always there for you. She sacrifices much to stay by your side. Anyone with eyes can see how she cares for you. Yet equally as obviously is the burden of pain she carries in her heart. It has not escaped my notice, though I do not believe she is aware of this. She struggles to hide it--especially from you. Yet the hurt inside her is evident in her eyes..." Kikyo lowers her head. "...and I am to blame for that."

Inuyasha can't believe what he's hearing--more to the point, who he's hearing it from. His emotions stir as Kikyo's sentiments about Kagome echo in his mind. The last brings on a surge of guilt. If one person is to blame for any pain Kagome feels, it's me...he thinks to himself. Yet when he opens his mouth to defend Kikyo, she quickly hushes him with a hand to the air, her head rising in sync with her forearm.

I must continue before my courage falters, the ghostly woman reflects. "My jealousy and interference have come between you. This is the source of Kagome's unhappiness. She deserves more than this. She deserves to be happy. You can give her that happiness, Inuyasha. And though it pains me to say it..." Kikyo's eyelids draw shut. "She can also make you happy." Her lips form a fragile smile as she opens her eyes again.

Inuyasha is taken aback. His mind whirls chaotically with the sudden onslaught of broken thoughts. They come at him so fast, he doesn't have time to process them fully. Only one of them is coherent: …she does make me happy…

Inuyasha shakes his head. He has to keep his mind clear. He cannot afford to let himself get distracted. Or he will lose Kikyo. Forever.

"I know you don't fully understand all of this, Inuyasha, and that it is difficult for you to accept. Nonetheless, you cannot deny the truth of everything I've told you tonight. And now, whether or not you completely comprehend or support this, you must make a decision...because I've already made mine--irrevocably. Inuyasha...will you help me make things right? Will you help me return to my proper place...this time in peace?"

Inuyasha is torn by his need to answer Kikyo's call and his commitment to safeguard her. His eyebrows frown and his eyes quiver, configuring a pained expression. He prepares to disappoint the priestess. "Kikyo...I really want to help you. But...I don't know if I can. I want to help you live, Kikyo...I...I can't...help you die!" A pleading tone enters his voice on the last word.

"Inuyasha,” says Kikyo reassuringly, gently squeezing his arm, "it is what I wish. It is what I need."

"But...it's my duty to protect you! I promised! So how can I? I mean, even if I could, I...couldn't!"

Inuyasha notes that it is becoming increasingly difficult to counter Kikyo's arguments. I can't lose….he thinks to himself. She's asking me to help her die! That's the same thing as asking me to kill her! A growl escapes Inuyasha's throat at the thought, a snarl appearing unbidden on his face. He wants to roar at Kikyo, to shake her until she comes to her senses. There's got to be another way! There just has to be! I have to find a way to talk her out of this…

Paying no mind to Inuyasha's bared fangs and gutteral rumbling, Kikyo resumes pleading her case. "Disregard your promise to me, Inuyasha. I know you are a man of your word. I know that your sense of honor binds you to your vows. Nonetheless, some promises just can't be kept.”

Inuyasha's eyes are desperate, yet defiant. Perhaps another approach might be more effective, Kikyo wonders. She tilts her head curiously, a mischievous smile accompanying her movement. “Don't you also protect Kagome, Inuyasha?” she questions wryly. She's certain this tack will be more persuasive. “How can you always protect us both? You can't be in two places at one time. One of us will always be in potential danger if you're not there.”

His growling and snarling subsides. His face softens; his eyes don a look of incredulity. His anger morphs into a sad sense of failure as he realizes the truth of Kikyo's words. He had always told himself he could protect Kikyo and Kagome. Yet the pale beauty before him was nonetheless right--—he undoubtedly could not be in two places at one time.

Lifting her head, Kikyo reverts to her previous position. Her expression becomes more sober; her inflection more serious. “Shouldn't you be there for Kagome, to protect her in this dangerous world of demons? Like Naraku?"

Though issued gently, the implication is harsh. Inuyasha seals his eyes tight against it.

Kikyo knows she is making headway. She closes her eyes momentarily with a light sigh, the smallest upturn on the corners of her mouth. She coaxes Inuyasha further, “Try looking at it another way, Inuyasha. Would you not agree that it is impossible to break an oath from which you have been released? If the one to whom you made the oath no longer holds you to it, is it not then undone?"

A thoughtful, confused look washes over Inuyasha's face. As he struggles for an answer, Kikyo breaks into his thoughts.

"Whichever way you see it, Inuyasha, I want you to know that I desire to liberate you from that needless obligation. I no longer wish you to be bound to protect me--with one final exception. Protect me one last time, Inuyasha, as I ask…from this unnatural life of anguish and longing; from my own darkened heart. Help me release my inner demons and die with serenity. Then we can both let go of our unrest--and of each other. You will at last be able to mourn for me--and I will no longer lament the life I could not have. Then we shall both be free. You and I—and Kagome as well--will finally be able to find our peace. Please, Inuyasha…for yourself, for Kagome, and for me…please help me.”

Her words are filled with unwavering hope—and steely determination. Inuyasha is reeling. His heart feels compelled to help her attain the peace she desires—and deserves—be he cannot let go enough to oblige. His chest tightens as he considers her carefully in the moonlight. She looks so desolate, so fragile, so utterly helpless--a far cry from the strong woman he fell in love with 50 years ago. Sorrow seizes his heart, distorting the features of his face. He draws her name out slowly, as if his mouth were full of molasses...

“Ki-ki-yo…"

Tears hover on the periphery of his eyes. His desperation is apparent. "Kikyo…please…I just can't!” He's almost shouting at her.

“Inuyasha,” Kikyo retorts, her tone more commanding now. “It is only my love for you and the yet-untainted portion of my mind that have allowed me to see these truths for myself, and to reveal them to you tonight. Yet they are not enough to quell the darkness that still lurks here beneath the surface. They will soon consume me again if I do not make my way back to where I belong. Without your help…I will be cursed to remain afflicted, be it in this world or the afterlife, should I go there on my own. I will not have peace, Inuyasha. I will not have rest. My heart will know only yearning, pain and rage. I will not be able to move on. Would you disregard my wishes and allow me to suffer so? Would you condemn me to such a fate forever?"

“No,” Inuyasha breathes. “I don't want you to suffer, Kikyo.” Gravity tugs at the swelling of saltwater in his eyes as he hangs his head, spilling into streaks down his face.

“Then do as I ask, Inuyasha. Please…I need you now…”

Inuyasha swallows hard, his eyes transfixed on the dewy grass underfoot. After a long pause, he finally speaks. His languished voice whispers, "...what do I have to do?"

Thank you so much for reading! I'd really appreciate a review/crit/commentary...anything to help me further my 'writing ability.' You can email me directly if you're not comfortable with the systems here--at ks again! Stay tuned for chapter 4! (I'll try to get it up quicker than I did this one)

I hope you liked this chapter...I thought it was the best so far, but then I went back and made a lot of changes...I hope I didn't "kill" it by over-editing! lol