InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Letting Go...And Holding On ❯ Chapter Two ( Chapter 2 )

 

With Kikyo and Inuyasha:

 

Inuyasha begins to calm upon Kikyo's firm, but gentle, command. He wants answers, and Kikyo is asking him to listen. Therefore he resigns himself to silence for the time being. "Of course, Kikyo...I'll help you any way I can. I will hear what you have to say."

 

"Thank you," Kikyo sighs. She gathers her thoughts for a moment, and her breath, and begins her monologue. "Inuyasha, I died believing the man I intended to live together with had used me...toyed with me...betrayed me. My seething fury and terrible hurt went with me into the grave. When I was reanimated, those feelings were resurrected as well. Even after learning the truth about Naraku's deception...even after finding out that your feelings for me were real and not a deceitful game...I could not get past them. Because I only possess a part of my own soul, I could not--cannot--purge those terrible memories and feelings from my heart and mind. I am frozen in time--that time. The feelings I died with have been reborn with my body, and I am powerless to change that on my own. The only way I could do it on my own would be to reclaim the rest of my soul and become whole again. But that is not an option, as you and I both know. It wouldn't be right, for more than one reason. I was a priestess before I was killed--that part of me still knows right from wrong, even if my tainted heart sometimes causes me to stumble. I cannot justify murdering an innocent girl for my own selfish desire to live...and it would not be right for the long-dead to walk among the living in her stead. I have no alternative then but to reclaim my destiny--and return to the earth from which I sprang at the hands of that demon witch."

 

Inuyasha bows his head and closes his eyes at the utterance of the words he had feared were coming. He wishes to speak, but does not know what to say. His last outburst hadn't worked to change Kikyo's mind--and he doesn't know any other way to convince her.

 

Kikyo notices Inuyasha's response, and continues with her explanation. She wants him to understand. "I am tired, Inuyasha. My heart and mind are tormented by my feelings of hurt, anger, and betrayal. And..." Kikyo pauses for a moment before finishing in a hushed tone. "...and by my continued longing to be with you."

 

Inuyasha fidgets nervously at that last statement, his cheeks suddenly rosy. A brief silence ensues before Inuyasha breaks it.

 

"Well if you still want to be with me, then why the Hell don't you just stay?! We can work out the rest together, damn it!"

 

Kikyo sighs. She knew this would be difficult. "You don't understand, Inuyasha. There is nothing to work out. This is simply no kind of life for me. I do not have peace. I do not have joy. I do not have...anymore..." Her eyes show an almost tangible sadness as she casts her gaze aside.

 

Inuyasha is bewildered into biting his tongue--for the moment. His ears twitch awaiting Kikyo's next statement.

 

"Inuyasha...I...no longer have you." She barely gets the words out without her long-imprisoned emotions tainting her speech.

 

Inuyasha opens his mouth to speak, but Kikyo beats him to it. She has regained full composure. Before she could speak, she had to be certain no waver would touch her voice. She had always had to be strong; she did not want to appear weak now--in front of Inuyasha, during her last visit with him in this life. She did not want him to remember her that way.

 

Now satisfied with her self-control, she meets his gaze again and continues.

 

"I also took with me to my grave my love for you, Inuyasha. I cannot dispel that any more than I can dispel any of the negative emotions that have become a part of me. And that, too, only causes me pain. Because I know I cannot be with you...and because you have someone else now." Her eyes drop again; she can't help herself. Inuyasha wants to speak up and say it isn't so, but he can't quite do it. Although he still has feelings for Kikyo, what she has said is not entirely untrue. Before Inuyasha can think of an appropriate response, Kikyo speaks again. "I am very jealous, you know." A weak smile breaks the melancholy of her face momentarily. Inuyasha blinks at her in surprise at her uncharacteristic behavior. Kikyo continues in a more serious tone, "I have no real reason to dislike Kagome. She has even saved me--more than once. In fact, in a way, she is saving me now. I've had a lot to think about since Kagome purified the miasma threatening my life after the ordeal at Mt. Hakurei. Her compassion, her selflessness, her bravery--they have served to remind me of who I once was--and who I can never really be again. I have been plagued with such thoughts since that day...and have come to the conclusion that this is no way to live...no way for me to live."

 

Inuyasha prepares to rebut, but is thwarted once again.

 

"But I know that Kagome cares deeply for you, Inuyasha...and that you harbor feelings for her, as well. I cannot help but feel jealousy over that. That is just another sad grievance for me to bear. I need my rest, now, Inuyasha. I need my peace. I need to let go of my worldly longings and the negative emotions tainting my existence. I must return to my eternal rest. It is the only way. There is no other."

 

Inuyasha has heard enough. He sees red. "Damn it Kikyo!! Why the Hell are you so damned determined to die?! You got a second chance and now you--"

 

Kikyo cuts him off. "Inuyasha, please understand. It's not that I want to die...but that I am already dead. I was never supposed to get a second chance, to be given another life. I met my fate 50 years ago, and only embracing that fate will set me free. I will never be happy as long as I wander this earth in this sad state...neither dead nor alive, feeling only what I was left with at the time of my demise, wandering aimlessly with no direction or purpose...and alone. I know you still care for me, Inuyasha, but things have changed. I cannot be with you now, and you cannot be with me. Your heart is no longer mine alone...and my presence here only keeps you from giving it fully to it's true owner." She smiles up at Inuyasha with a mixture of sadness and joy. She feels pain at the thought of losing the entirety of his heart, but truly wants him to be happy. She knows that a certain someone can bring him that happiness.

 

Inuyasha has never been so at a loss for words in his life. His mind races desperately to think of something to say...something comforting, something to defend Kikyo's existence here, something to keep her from doing what is now obvious that she intends to do...but he can only draw a blank. Thus his instinctive responses reign--anger and guilt.

 

"By your logic, Kikyo, I too should 'return to my fate' or whatever the Hell you said. I met my fate then, too, ya know! So if it was your fate to die back then, then it must have been mine as well! Especially since it's all because of me that you're really doing this, I know it! You said you don't have me anymore when I'm standing right here! So I know...somehow I've failed you. Now if you're gonna go off half-crazy and do something stupid like this, then you damn well better do it right! Get your arrow ready and I'll find a nice big tree for you to pin me to! Then we can both be out of our misery and 'find peace'!!" The last two words are spat out with more than a little dark sarcasm.

 

"Inuyasha," Kikyo says gently, "in a way you are right. I have considered all possiblities. You are indeed a part of my fate."

 

Inuyasha is stunned that Kikyo actually admitted he was right--or at least partly so. His face is still twisted in vexation, however, since he has yet to hear the words he is listening for.

 

Kikyo continues, "Do you not remember, Inuyasha? I was killed 50 years ago. I died. My soul was reincarnated. You were merely spelled into sleep--by my arrow of sealing. Then you were re-awakened--by my reincarnated soul. Don't you see, Inuyasha? You were never meant to die--you were meant to live. My arrow sealed you rather than killing you--and then my soul, in Kagome's body, released you. Your fate in this has come full circle."

 

Kikyo's words do nothing to quell Inuyasha's ire. After a moment of pondering her words, he retorts angrily.

 

"Maybe you're wrong, Kikyo...maybe I was the one who was supposed to die and you were supposed to sleep for 50 years! Didja ever think of that?! Or how about this? Maybe, just maybe, you aint supposed to go takin' fate into your own damn hands! How the Hell do you know what was supposed to happen? For all either of us knows, fate screwed up and it was ME who was supposed to die back then! Or maybe fate meant for you to live like this, even if some of it aint all that damn pleasant! Whatcha got to say about all that, huh?" Inuyasha is huffing with rage. He folds his arms, livid face to the side, self-righteous nose slightly upturned. His pose reminds Kikyo of an obstinate two-year-old.

 

Unruffled by Inuyasha's outburst, Kikyo responds without missing a beat. "Inuyasha, there is a wisdom that surpasses knowledge as most think of it. There is a knowing of the spirit--though few may touch it. I was born a priestess. I know what I've said is true. No argument from you can dissuade me."

 

Inuyasha is speechless once more. He just can't counter Kikyo's arguments, though he desperately wants to.

 

Kikyo adds gently, "Yet you are still a part of this, Inuyasha. I am not doing this merely for my own peace. This I must do for you as well. You too are frozen in time, in a way--because of me. You cannot grieve for me, Inuyasha, so long as I walk along the ground with a fleshly form. You cannot let go of your lingering feelings for me. You still leave behind everyone else who needs you to come to my aid whenever you believe me to be in danger. Part of you is still clinging to me, despite the fact that I am no longer a true living being; despite the fact that someone else has made their way into your heart; despite the fact that you've seen the misguided behavior of my tainted heart. You too know that we can no longer be together, yet you still hold on. You need your peace, too, Inuyasha, or you will not find true happiness. I owe it to you to give you this freedom. I want you to be happy. I will always love you...but I must let you go now. And you must let go of me. So that we can both put the past to rest and move on."

 

"Kikyo..." the hanyou grumbles in frustration. He is frazzled at her words. Her logic eludes him; he cannot argue against it effectively. Yet he doesn't want to lose her, whether or not he can find a sound reason to convince her to stay. He fumbles for a response. His aggravation at his ineffectiveness with words quickly becomes apparent as he barks out,

 

"Kikyo, I don't buy that crap for a minute, but even if you are right, I don't care! You're asking me to help you die! I can't do that! I want you to live, Kikyo!! Don't you understand that?!"

 

Kikyo smiles feebly. "Of course I do, Inuyasha. But that doesn't change the facts. I know this won't be easy for you...but you MUST let me go. You will, in time, get past it. You will, in time, feel free again. You will...find the love and happiness your heart truly desires. It just was not meant to be with me. It was not our fate...at least not in this life." She smiles, more broadly than before, at the irony of her words.

 

 

Inuyasha's eyes begin to twitch as comprehension of Kikyo's determination sinks in. His voice deepens with the darkness growing in his heart. He murmurs, “How...how can you even think I'd be happy with you...dead?” His already strained voice hitches on the last word. “You...you can't just leave me,” he growls. “I mean—you said—you said you still—but if you do, then—then I—Kikyo, you just can't do this. You. Just. Can't.” His guttural voice transmutes to a crackle, ripe with reined-in emotion. His efforts to deny free expression to any 'weak' feelings displaces the sympathetic tone he normally uses with Kikyo with an angrier tone. “What can I do, what can I say to change your mind?! Do you really have have to do this?!”

 

"I know this is sudden, Inuyasha, and hard for you to accept. But this truly is the only way to make things right. Deep down, you too know it is so. I will not change my mind, Inuyasha. I have come to realize that the person I have become since being reborn is not who I really am...or who I was before my death...or who I want to be. I have behaved badly, especially for a priestess. Now I see all the trouble and pain I've caused. I wish to rectify that. My return to death will cease much struggle for me, Inuyasha, and for you...and certainly for the third person I do this for...Kagome."

 

"What...what the Hell has she got to do with any of this?" Inuyasha chokes out, trying to keep a strong facade.

 

"For all your heightened senses, Inuyasha, you can be so blind sometimes..." Kikyo muses softly.

 

PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

 

AN: Extra special thanks, credit, and kudos goes to my beta brakken for her major help on this chapter revision and her contribution to the story. She cowrote part of this revised version of this chapter as well as advised me heavily on my own revisions. Her assistance has been invaluable!