InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Lost Souls Found ❯ Summer's End ( Chapter 4 )

 

 

Author's note: Goddess Takahashi's characters, of course, remain hers.

 

Lost Souls Found

Chapter 4: Summer's End

 

That night, the stars were out and the breeze was light. It would have been a beautiful evening of friendship and laughter around the fire, except that no one said a word all through dinner. InuYasha hadn't returned since dropping his catch and fleeing again, running from something Miroku had said to him in anger. Kagome had fumed and then just fallen silent, exhausted of feelings. She sat next to Kohaku, somehow feeling comfort in sharing a sadness neither wanted to speak of.

 

After they had eaten, InuYasha walked calmly from the darkened trees and into the fire's light just as the carcass was given to Kilala, who transformed to finish it off, bones and all. InuYasha was starving, but he couldn't' seem to care about this. Miroku and Sango saw what was coming and shooed Kohaku and Shippo off to bed, retreating, themselves, into the shadows.

 

Kagome sat unmoving. Her heart was suspended somewhere between fear, sadness and blinding rage. InuYasha recognized the rage part, and took a deep breath. He sat down beside her and lifted a stick to poke at the fire.

 

“Kagome,” he said quietly.

 

“Yeah,” she was trying to sound lighthearted, but he realized in a rush that Miroku had been right. He may already have lost her.

 

“I think maybe,” he was really not sure how to say this at all, despite trying to practice all afternoon, “maybe I'm being kindof stupid.”

 

“You think?” Ouch. She really was mad.

 

“Look -” he stopped himself from increasing the volume in his voice. He had to be careful that he didn't get mad too and really tick her off, “I'm … I guess I'm sorry.” He chanced a look at her face and saw that this wasn't' going to be enough. She was going to make him say all of it. “I … I've been feeling really confused … lately.”

 

Her face was lit by the fire and he thought he saw her expression change just a little. Good, maybe she was at least listening now. He summoned his courage and went on.

 

“I miss you. I miss us.” There. He'd said it.

 

Unfortunately, this seemed to have the effect of lighting a fuse, like the firelight in her eyes.

 

“Well, you have a goddamn funny way of showing it!” She got up and stormed away to the sleeping area. He definitely couldn't follow her up there with all the lumps of slumbering bodies, so he stayed by the fire, looking at the deeply lonely stars for the rest of the night. This was going to be harder than he thought.

 

+++++++++++

 

To his surprise, the next day went more smoothly. Maybe she had just needed to blow off a little steam at him. Or maybe his words had actually had some of their desired effect. He couldn't be sure, but he almost fell out of his tree as he saw her pack up her bag to go for her walk, turning her head to look at him out of the corner of her eye. She had a mischievous grin and - did he see that right? Did she really jerk her head slightly towards her path to the waterfall? Was she inviting him to come with her?

 

InuYasha's heart was pounding in his chest as he watched her disappear into the forest. After the previous day, and his awkward attempt to reach out to her, he'd hated himself for watching her unannounced by the pool; he felt like a lecher, a vision of himself that did not fit comfortably with his pride. The very thought of going there again, on her invitation with no need to sneak, brought a rush of warmth and excitement to him that he was sure would be visible on more than one region of his body.

 

He continued to sit there and try to think, though that was just as hard as other things - because of other things, actually. He was fairly sure that she was testing him, testing his awkward and stupid attempts to bring them closer together again, and this was his chance to screw up. But if he didn't screw up, he might be taking a step towards a future that he now knew he craved.

 

After a few minutes, he took off through the treetops. A nagging doubt came along for the ride. He really didn't know what he would say when she asked why he'd been so withdrawn. He didn't want to frighten her, didn't want her to know his demon still lived within him. But for the first time in months, maybe years, the thought of something more important than his fear drove him forward. Somehow there had to be a way, a way to be with her, a way to live and love with her. He would worry about how to handle the demon later.

 

++++++++

 

Kagome's heart pounded. What had she done? She was flirting with InuYasha like the school girl she was. Did he even understand what she meant with that look? He could be so thick sometimes … and was she setting herself up for another crying fit if he didn't come? Would that be the end and send her running back down the well forever? It just might, said that little voice that had been growing louder in her head. There are people on the other side of the well who care about you and others that will love you, too.

 

By the time she came to the streambed, she'd decided in her mind that he wasn't coming. She would pack up and leave in the morning. It was only a two day walk to the village, and she was sure Sango would send Kilala with her for protection. She had her plan all worked out. This would be her last day at the waterfall, so she steeled herself to enjoy it and lie on her favorite rock for the last time, to reinforce her new found independence. She stepped up into the clearing.

 

And there he was. Sitting on her rock. He crouched, with his knees up to his shoulders and has hands on his feet. He had the saddest expression on his face, it wilted her heart the moment she saw it.

 

“Hi,” she said, huffing a little as she took the high step up the hillside to stand on the miniature beach lapping the edges of the crystal water. “You came.”

 

“Yeah,” he said, doubt clouding his face, “you wanted me to, didn't you?” He looked ready to bolt if she even hinted at a mistaken interpretation of her invitation. She was careful to keep her expression even, so as not to scare him off.

 

“Yeah,” she dropped her pack. “I did.”

 

His ears twitched.

 

“InuYasha, I'm sorry I got so mad last night.” She dropped to her knees to rummage for a water bottle. “I've been missing you too.” She took a swig of water and sat on the sand to remove her shoes. “Isn't it stupid that we've been together for weeks now, nothing to do but be together, and we're both so lonely?”

 

His expression was breaking her heart. He looked like he was about to cry. Don't go there, Kagome, the voice said, his pride won't forget that one for a long time.

 

She stood and came over to him on the rock. She couldn't help herself. She reached out and scratched him behind the ears. He relaxed into her hand and she stroked his hair, his eyes closed. After a minute, he scooched to the edge of the rock, and wrapped his arms around her waist, squeezing so hard she could barely breathe. Burying his face in her stomach he said her name. He was breathing deeply -- if not crying, barely holding it off. His muffled words came through her very bones, “Kagome, I don't want to lose you.”

 

Her anger melted like warming snow, and she encircled his silver-maned head in her arms, sinking to her knees to look up at his face. “Then don't,” she whispered.

 

The moment had come too quickly, their faces were inches apart, their eyes locked in as intimate a communion as existed. The pull to kiss her was unbearable, and all the confusion and fear and craving that feeling brought with it was equally unbearable. She seemed to understand something of this in his eyes because she pulled away and asked, “can't you tell me why you're so unhappy?”

 

He pulled her to her feet and engulfed her in another hug. She could feel his body shudder once or twice. He took a deep breath, “okay,” he whispered into her hair.

 

They sat by the pool as the sun arced through the sky, shimmering water sparkling in their eyes. He told her everything he had come to understand about his choice between her and Kikyo, life and death. He admitted that he's been a jerk and unfair to her in the past, never willing to decide and keeping her at bay all this time. But he swore to her that he knew it was time to make a choice, and his choice was clear.

 

“Kagome, I don't want to die,” the words came from his heart, and she could tell. “I want to live. And I want to be with you. You are life for me.” They held each other for several minutes after that, tears streaming down Kagome's cheeks. He did not mention his fear of the demon within him, the continuing thread of doubt that lived in his heart. Holding her, feeling his soul back in place, he realized, he could almost forget about it.

 

In return, she told him of her confusions about where her true home was, what it meant in her world to be closing out your High School years, and the big decisions that lay ahead for her. She talked of her feelings for him with confidence, her confusion, her desire, her choices. They held each other as they talked, by the hand and by the heart.

 

Finally, the sun began to set.

 

“Shoot,” Kagome said, noticing the sun's splash of color on the horizon, “I didn't get to take my bath.” She had completely forgotten about her vow to leave for the well in the morning, having unconsciously decided not to leave just yet.

 

“It's kind of cool for a waterfall now,” InuYasha said, eyeing the falls and the fading sunlight. “How about a hot spring?”

 

Kagome's heart jumped into her throat. Was he inviting her, or just offering to take her?

 

“Hot spring would be great,” she said, trying not to sound too excited in case he had nothing more than the usual I-get-in-while-he-hides-behind-a-rock kind of evening in mind.

 

“Climb on,” he moved to one knee propping his hands behind him to accept her bended knees. She eagerly shouldered her pack and mounted him. It was good to feel his strong hands on her knees, his shoulders under her hands, his warm back between her thighs. After the long talk, which had brought them closer than they had ever been, she needed his touch to assure her that it was real. Settling into him, she remembered how much she had missed this.

 

InuYasha stood and hiked her weight a little more comfortably. God, she felt good back there. Now that he had some imagery for those thighs and breasts pressing into him from behind, carrying her was a completely different experience. He liked it even more.

 

They rose into the air, his strength moving them effortlessly, their hair flying behind them. Below, in the growing dark, a shadowed figure in dusky red and white emerged from the trees. It looked after the flying pair for a moment and then moved silently into the water.

 

They flew through the treetops, striking out through forests green and lush below them. InuYasha headed straight to his destination, a small hot spring nestled into a rocky tumble. There was a little cave, really not much more than a rock overhang, about 20 feet from the pool. It was lovely in the early evening dusk.

 

Their hearts pounding from the exhilarating experience of flying together again, they settled in to make dinner, quietly talking. It was almost like old times. But not quite.

 

When dinner was over, they looked at each other over the firelight. The day had been magical for both of them, closing the chasms that had split between them over the previous weeks and building new bridges to explore together. But, as with every bridge that is built, certain crossings must be made for things to progress. A silence hung in the air, mingling with the mists of the steaming hot water, inviting them. Their hearts were beating strongly in their ears, the result of the growing intimacy of the day. They'd come close to this particular crossing only a few times before in their long friendship, and always they had turned away.

 

InuYasha looked away from her eyes and down to the mess of bones, wrappings and cooking sticks which lay scattered around the fire. Usually, Sango and Kagome cleaned up this mess, but he knew he needed a moment to himself, so he leaned over and started to pick up the wreckage of their meal. Kagome seemed to understand his need for a small breather in the conversation and started rummaging in her pack. InuYasha collected the stuff and mumbled something about being right back before taking off at a good pace into the forest. Best to get the stuff far away so that it didn't attract the wrong kind of predator. After a few minutes at top speed, he found a small clearing several miles away and dug a hole two feet deep in about thirty seconds to bury it.

 

As he stamped down the little garbage grave, brushing off his haori sleeves (which were completely impervious to dirt, stains and blood) he took a deep breath. He was so happy, relieved beyond description that Kagome had not shut him out, that he hadn't lost her. But his problems were now even more complicated than before, for now he understood better that she too was confused, facing so many decisions about her future and the bewildering choices before her. If he longed for a simple life with a retired-Miko, having the best of all worlds - free to rove the wilderness and protect his friends from all manner of evil in the world while still returning home to a warm fire and delicious dinner - sticking it out with Kagome was not going to bring him that life. She wanted to do things in her world. Things he couldn't even pretend to understand. Things he didn't personally care much about.

 

He looked up at the stars, the same lonely glimmers he'd looked at every night of his life. He felt momentarily paralyzed. He'd made his choice, but the practical implications of it were just beginning to become clear to him. He knew things hadn't progressed too far for him to turn back. He could still take her back to the camp and disappear forever from her life. He knew after today that it was unfair to her to display any more equivocation, to do anything else but make this choice and be done with it. She too, had a choice before her. In fact, she seemed to be more aware of it than he had been before yesterday. She had made it clear with her words that she would include him in her confusing decisions, be willing to explore accommodations and to find a place for him in her life, if - and only if - he were willing to do the same. With her words and her eyes, she'd told him her terms. And with her actions ever since he'd known her, she'd shown him the gifts he would receive for taking on such a challenge.

 

He remained rooted in that spot for some time. He knew she was beginning to worry. Worry that he wasn't coming back. Worry that she'd lost him. And maybe she had good reason to worry. The longer he dwelt on the options before him, the more fear rose in his heart again. What if they tried and she ended up going back to her own world for good? What if he couldn't learn to like the place for him she made in her life? What if they lived happily ever after, until she died at the end of her short human life and left him alone again? What if … the fear that had been pushed aside in the afternoon's magic came back in a rush … what if he lost control of himself again?

 

He was beginning to feel angry. Angry at the unfairness of it all. Angry that he even had to deal with this shit. Angry because every path he chose held risk, pain and sacrifice. He tried to remember a time in his life when anger hadn't simmered just below his surface and he felt free and happy, how could he get back to that place? The happy memories did begin to flood him then. And every one of them included Kagome - except for one. The memory of the day Kikyo said she would accept him as her human husband. That day had been magical too. That day he had felt loved, not because of his strength and cunning, but because of his heart. He felt loved for his human half, and it was his human half that had loved her back. That day he had not felt alone. That day, he had been ready to sacrifice all his physical power in order to belong, to love and be loved. That day he had not felt fear.

 

How had he overcome the fear then? A little voice whispered as though far away, echoing down the tunnels of time from that day so long ago.

 

You asked yourself, `what is the worst that can happen?'

 

“Yeah,” he said out loud to the trees, silent witnesses to his angst, “but I was an idiot. I couldn't even dream of the worst that could happen, until after it did.”

 

But you're still here. And you've had many wonderful things happen to you since that day.

 

“And many awful things, too.”

 

Do you know the one without the other?

 

“What's the worst that can happen this time?”

 

What is it?

 

The words came up from his heart without his mind even having time to stop them. “That Kagome and I are happy together until the day that she dies in my arms,” he swallowed, “and I have to live alone again.”

 

So living alone now is better?

 

“… No.”

 

So having years of happiness cannot sustain you through the pain that may follow?

 

”I don't know.”

 

You're not strong enough to withstand the pain of being alone?

 

“Of course I am. Haven't I always?”

 

Then what do you fear? Being alone is bad. But it's not the worst.

 

“Argh!” InuYasha felt a great pressure building in him, something he'd kept bottled up inside ever since the day he met that fucking monster, Goshinki. He finally let it out, and the words themselves felt like bile coming into his mouth. “That I lose myself! It's not enough that sometimes I can't protect her, but I can't risk being the one that hurts her!” The fear was a fist reaching into his ribcage and squeezing his heart up into his throat. He could hardly breathe.

 

So far, she's managed not to let herself be killed by you.

 

“She has the damn necklace!” He reached up and tried in vain to yank it off.

 

And thank goodness she does.

 

“Yeah.” InuYasha sighed. “That's true. I guess it's useful that way, but I hate it. It's not how I want to live my life!” Back to being trapped between shitty choices. He growled.

 

You can have Kagome and the necklace and a complicated life and love, or no Kagome and freedom and a simple life and be alone. Is this really such a hard choice?

 

InuYasha stared at the darkness around him. Put that way, the choice did sound simple, but the dangers were life and death real, and the necklace was more than an object, it was his freedom. It was his pride.

 

InuYasha stood quietly another few minutes and then turned silently in the night and was gone.

 

**TBC**