InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Love In A Library ❯ Chapter 10 ( Chapter 10 )

I felt my hands tremble as turned off the computer screen. I had gotten so many emails from Sango, most in pity. I've said that I hated pity. And I still do.

My heart was still in ruins days after the encounter with book boy and my brother. I never did expect to get over him quickly, I knew I wouldn't, and I was still in the stage where chocolate was my best friend. Sango visited, and Naraku comforted, but nothing could shake off the hurt feeling that weighed on my shoulders. I felt violated, betrayed. Book boy had used me so easily, and with a straight face told me that he loved me. And, for the worse part, it was all for Kikyo.

Kikyo this, Kikyo that. It's all I've ever heard since I was a child. Oh, Kikyo, you're so wonderful! Kikyo, what have you done now? It never once revolved around Kagome. And, if it did, she would make sure to make it revolve back around her. She still managed to ruin my life, even after she's disappeared. Perhaps that is what stings me most…the fact that it was all a lie to get to Kikyo.

I could feel the tears rushing to my eyes, the wetness becoming a feeling I was used to. All these emotions that stream through me are ridiculous! And I knew they couldn't be good for the baby. What I'm worried most right now is if all this stress put on me will give me a miscarriage. Even though I probably won't see book boy again, I couldn't let that happen. This child would become my life, and I knew it.

Now that I really thought of it, book boy didn't know about our baby. He probably will never know because I'll never let him. If I did, that would only mean more pain for my child and me. I would hate to put this little one through the emotional trauma.

I can imagine my child asking `Mama, where's daddy?' and me not being able to answer. What a horrible way to be raised. And I was the one who caused it all.

Tears flowed down my face as I placed my hands on my cheeks in frustration. How would I get by with a baby on my hands? Shippou was all ready enough to handle, but a baby? It would take so much time and effort! I didn't have all that. I didn't have a husband!

“Mama?” I wiped my eyes with my sleeve in a hurry before turning to see Shippou. I smiled at the boy. He was the only one who didn't pity me. That's only because he didn't understand. “Why are you crying?”

“Shippou…come here.” He came obediently to my side. He frowned as he looked at my face for a moment.

“That's not my mama's smile.” He said after moments of silence. “If you don't want to smile, don't smile. Smile when you mean it.” My lips lowered from the fake smile I had placed for him. I watched him with teary eyes as I swept a loose strand of hair behind his ear.

“Okay.” I whispered. “But you won't see my smile for a very long time.”

“Why is that?” I kissed his forehead as I played with his bangs.

“Because mama was hurt very bad.” Shippou was silent for a few moments, staring at his little bare feet. I played with his hair through the silence of my room.

“Was it because of Rin's daddy?” I paused before nodding gently.

“Yes, it was.” I felt a lone tear run down my face as I struggled to keep the other tears locked away. “I won't be seeing him anymore, Shippou.”

“Did he not like the baby?” He asked softly as I felt his small hand reach out to wipe away my tear. My throat was dry as I bit my lip to answer him.

“No, honey, I didn't tell him about the baby.” He climbed in my lap, throwing his arms around my neck. I remained frozen for a moment before returning his hug, more tears leaking from my red puffy eyes. “You'll have to do all you can for the baby, my darling.” I whispered. “You help me be strong…for the baby's sake.” The little boy held me close, his little fingers stroking my hair like I would do to him when he was upset. We sat like that for the longest of times, silent tears running down both of our faces. At least he knew what I meant. Book boy would be gone and Shippou wouldn't have a chance to get a new father.

“Shippou, did you tell…her…” Naraku stood at the doorway, his hair up in a messy ponytail with an apron on. He had taken up cooking meals for both Shippou and me. I had never felt more thankful for my brother than I had at this point. He was looking out for me, and I was glad that someone still cared so much. “Kagome…” He mumbled, his eyes cascading to the ground. He felt guilty, tremendously guilty. But I didn't put him to blame for telling me the truth. I would have found out and still remain in the same position I was in now.

“You two…” I mumbled with a small hiccup. “Thank you so much. I could never live without your love…” I burst into tears all over again, hating the burning sliding of salt water down my cheeks. I had been crying none stop, even in my sleep. It was frustrating that I couldn't stop.

“Would you like us to eat dinner in here with you?” Naraku asked quietly as he slung a dishcloth over his shoulder. His eyes softened at my broken form. I nodded gently as I pulled away from Shippou.

“You know, I should be the one crying. Not you, little one.” I helped him wipe away the tears with my sleeve. “Let's all watch TV together. Perhaps that will get my mind off things.” Naraku nodded before turning to leave. He paused for a moment before continuing to the kitchen.

“Can I sleep with you tonight, mama?” The little boy hiccupped. I was about to refuse, knowing that I even cried in my sleep, but the look on his face was one of loneliness. I felt lost that I had let down this little boy. I was even letting down the child I carried.

“Yes.” I said strongly. “You can. I'll be glad to have the company. I don't want to sleep alone tonight.” He nodded with a smile. “And I'll get out of bed tomorrow and do the cooking. Is that a good idea? I can't be slumped forever.” I could be slumped forever. No one would ever notice it. I bet I could act cheery and still continue on with my day…but my heart is deeply scarred. I knew it would never be fixed…it would take time to mend.

The next day I kept true to my promise to Shippou. I got out of bed and opened up the curtains, allowing the sun to stream into my room. I had kept it dark the past few days, but now, I felt that the sun needed to get in. I needed to feel the warmth on my skin.

I dressed properly instead of wearing grungy pajamas. When I walked into the kitchen, Naraku had stopped what he was doing and stared. He didn't say anything for the longest of times, but I ignored him. Though my heart was in ruins, I wouldn't let my life turn out to be the same.

I went through my traditional morning routine while being intensely watched by my brother. But I did it anyway, no smile visible on my lips. I would do as Shippou had said—I would only smile when I wanted to. I would not pretend for anyone.

“Kagome…” Naraku said finally after I had started on the dishes after breakfast. “Don't push yourself.”

“I'm not.” I said calmly as I scrubbed the frying pan, the hot water feeling good on my fingers. “I can't sulk forever. Don't worry about me.”

“I can't help but worry about you.” He said firmly. “And I won't stop. Not after I…”

“It's not your fault.” I told him seriously. “If I could say anything about it, I should be thanking you. Either way I'd end up like this.” I smirked sadly. “As they say, ignorance is bliss.”

“I'm sorry. I was there when Kikyo made the loans. I should have known they would come after you if she didn't pay them off.” He frowned. “Seems they know my real identity now too.”

“I heard you say Onigumo.” He sighed.

“Something father called me when I was young. I don't know why, but it stuck. So I've used it as my alias for a long time. Looks like I'll have to find another. Damn, I really liked Onigumo.”

“Is it scary?” I asked as I stopped the running water. “Going up against those yakuza. Would you even consider yourself as one?”

“No.” He said. “I merely deliver business to Inu no Taisho. I don't even see the guy regularly. He interacts through Sesshomaru. His youngest was a complete bust.” I nodded as I turned back to my dishes.

“Nice to know.” He sighed again, running a hand through his hair.

“Kagome, are you going to tell him? About the…the…ba…” He couldn't say it. It saddened me that he couldn't mention it in front of me.

“No. He'll never have to know.”

“You aren't getting an abortion…are you?” He asked worriedly. I whipped around to face him, a look of anger burning in my eyes.

“Of course not!” I said loudly. “This baby will become my life. It's the last good thing I can remember of him, okay?” I quieted. “I don't want to make the same mistake again. This child will remind me to be more careful to ones that I interact with.”

“It's good to be wary, Kags, but you shouldn't not trust everyone you meet.”

“I know. And I won't. Besides, I would never have an abortion. This is my baby and I'll have to deal with it my own way. I'll raise it to be just like me…” And exactly like him.

“Are you going into work today? You shouldn't…not yet.” I finished the last dish, placing it in the dishwasher. I shook my head.

“No, I'm not going into work today. Sango has it covered for me. I'll return tomorrow.” I wiped my hands on my jeans. “But, for now, I think I'm going to pay a little visit to the library.”

“So soon?” Naraku yelped, surprised that I had even mentioned the library. I nodded.

“I have some books I have to return. Besides, it would be unfair for me to leave the place that has been my second home for so long. That's the same library I went to when I was young.” I took my purse and slipped on my jacket. “I'm not going to leave it now. It's not right.”

“Okay. But do you want me to come with you?” He asked. I shook my head as I grabbed my bag of books.

“No. I don't want you to protect me all the time. It's either you or Sango trying to shield me from pain.” I glanced at him. “It only hurts more. Let me do this, for once, on my own.” Before he could answer, I shut the door on him. Perhaps I was being a bit harsh, but the truth had to be heard.

I'd only be bitter for a month or so, I knew. I couldn't stand to be so mean and cold for a long time. Naturally, I'm a very warming person. This cold I feel hasn't altered that aspect of me, its only put my warmth on hold.

Sometimes I felt the warmth slide back. It's only when I ever think of book boy does that warmth return. Our memories come up at everything I look at. If I glanced at a book, I'd think of book boy. If I ate take out, I'd think of book boy. Looking at anything probably would remind me of book boy.

I hated being in such a crummy mood. I know that…if book boy came here right now, I'd probably burst into tears. But I don't think they'd be in anger or hatred…they'd be in joy. I missed his face, I truly did, and if he asked me to come back, I would.

But, I had to remember, he wouldn't ask. It was all for a job that his father gave him. But, what struck me as odd is that he never asked where Kikyo was. He didn't even really ask about her. I wonder why that is, sometimes. Was it his game to try and trick me into telling him? Or did I secretly tell him recently…I couldn't remember. Either way, I don't remember giving any information to book boy.

I coughed slightly. His name wasn't book boy. I had to stop using it so frequently. He was Sesshomaru Taisho… But what purpose is a name? It does nothing to describe the person. I really don't see him as Sesshomaru. I see him as my book boy.

This made me laugh bitterly. I clearly was a fool. I would keep going back to him for years now…my feelings for him were so much stronger than I had felt for Inuyasha. I was truly in love with him. Should I consider trying to talk to him and settling things out? Naraku would have a royal fit if I did. Sango would warn me that he would try to hurt me again…but should it matter what they think? I determine my own life, god dammit. Is book boy who I really want?

I stopped as the library came within my sight. I sighed deeply as I placed a hand on my hip. This was turning out to be much more than a walk. These realizations were really dragging me down.

I smiled at the sound of the bell as I entered the library. It was the smallest chime. No one usually heard the noise, but I listened so intently in this library. My ears had to be tuned sharply for this visit. If book boy were here, I would leave immediately. I think it's too soon to be forgiving him. I would only forgive him if he were going through the same pain that I felt.

“K-Kagome!” Saya gasped. I glanced up at her, breaking out of my trance. I was standing in front of the doors, staring out into space. I've been doing that a lot this week, it seems. “We weren't…why are you here?”

“Returning some books.” Saya was unusually quiet, but the answer was evident. She was wondering why I was here after the display last week. “I'm not deserting this library. I don't plan on it. You can even tell him that, if you wish, but otherwise I have nothing else to really discuss.”

“Would you like to talk to Kaede?” She whispered soothingly. “She knows how to handle these kind of things.”

“There's nothing to talk about. You both witnessed what happened. It's self explanatory.” I sighed. “I've been so pathetic these few days. I still love him. It hurts me to say it, but I do.” Upon placing the final one of my books in the slot, I looked at her. “I want you to deliver Rin a message…that is only if they come.”

“Of course.” Saya reassured. “I'll tell her anything you want me to.”

“Would it be suitable…if I wrote her a note? Perhaps it would be more personal if I did.” Saya nodded quickly, shuffling through her desk to find a blank piece of lined paper and a pen. I thanked her before grabbing it, finding my way to a chair and table in the corner of the room.

Dear Rin,

I'm sorry to tell you that your father and I…won't be seeing each other anymore. I feel horrible, little one, for me to break such bad news. I can only imagine that your dad hasn't told you yet. But that's how he's like, ne?

I will still be around, don't you worry. I plan on taking Shippou to story time, where I will see you briefly, before going out of the library back home until its over. I don't want Shippou to be without a friend. You are the closest one he's had in centuries. It would be mean of me to keep him away from you.

Your bookmark is still with me. I hold it close to my heart, my dear. It is very special to me, just like you. I hope you know that I love you and I never will stop.

Next time you're at story time, I want you to talk to Shippou. He has a secret of mine that I want him to tell you. He will tell you the rules of my secret, and you must obey them. Not under any circumstances are you allowed to bend these rules.

When I see you next, I want you to smile for me. My apartment is so gloomy now. Your happiness is infectious, so I might be able to catch it too. Maybe then I'll cheer up, kay?

Love you forever,

Kagome XOXOXO

I reread my letter with a sigh. It was foolish of me leaving such a big secret with such a small child, but she should be able to know. She would have a brother or sister too, just like Shippou. I have no reason to keep it from her.

She might, however, decide to tell her father. But I highly doubted she would. Once she saw how serious Shippou is with it, she wouldn't even let out a peep.

I folded the letter twice before I handed it over to Saya. I wrote her name on it with a heart on the front. I think she'll enjoy that.

“Ye are making a mistake, girl.” I gasped slightly upon hearing Kaede's voice, startled by the appearance of the wise woman. She stared me down with strong unwavering eyes. “You're giving up love.”

“You saw what happened.” I bitterly retorted. “It was all a job to him. A lie was all our love was.”

“But ye still feel for him.” Kaede said knowingly, her calculated eyes swooping over me. “It's not worth to let that pass.”

“You don't understand.” I felt my heart crush even more. “It's not the fact that he lied to me. I could forgive him easily…but his motive was for my older twin sister's whereabouts. That is what I find devastating.” We were silent before I turned to Saya. “Give her that to me. It will make me feel better once it's in her hands.” I frowned. “If he wants to read it, let him. It shouldn't matter.” I couldn't look Kaede in the eye. She had a disappointed look in her eyes.

“Kagome, I will not force ye to go back to him…” She paused. “Remember that the eyes are the windows to one's soul.” I stared at her for a moment before giving her a polite nod. I spun around and headed out of the library at a good speed.

…The eyes are the windows to one's soul…I've heard these words so many times. On some occasions, it's true. Could it be true with him? And, if I really chose to look, did this affect me too?

I stopped at a shop window, staring into the glass to see my reflection. The image was fuzzy and distorted, not allowing my eyes to be shown clearly. I hadn't looked in any mirrors lately. Is the pain in my eyes what I wish not to see?

I looked up from where I stood with a frown on my lips. This was nothing to get too worked up over. Yes, the eye could be the window to a soul, but I was certain I wouldn't have the chance to look in those sun-scorched eyes again.

I hope my baby has his eyes. They would look lovely on a boy or a girl. I really do hope that it turns out to be a girl. If book boy knew, I would think he'd want a girl as well.

`It's still not fair for him to go without knowing he has a child.' I thought, my frown deepening as I shifted the purse that was on my shoulder. `But Rin will know. And that will be enough. Hopefully it will.'

My legs paused as I came across another shop along my way. It was a sweet shop, and I certainly felt for a nice bag of chocolates. Shippou and Naraku would want some too, I'd bet. Sango had once told me this place was delicious. No one can blame a woman for wanting some chocolate when depressed and pregnant, right?

The bell tingled loudly. I always hated bells that announced your presence right away. It was slightly annoying. When you entered, people gave you a glance before returning to their shopping. Perhaps it's just me, but the whole concept of people looking at me gives me a weird feeling.

My lips twitched in the smallest of ways as I came upon a toy car with car shaped chocolates inside. These would be perfect for Shippou and Naraku. They could both challenge each other in a car race and see who would win. That would be interesting to watch.

Grabbing another small bag of pink hearts for myself, I made my way to the line. I gasped slightly upon seeing Jakotsu's face as I sat down my purchase.

“Kagome…it's, ah, nice to see you here…” He smiled brightly at me, as fake as mine had been to Shippou.

“I know you saw what happened too. Or you've heard what happened.” His lip trembled before he dropped the chocolate.

“I'm so sorry, Kagome!” He cried softly. “I knew what was happening, but I was forced not to tell you. I…I wanted to so badly…” I placed my hand gently over his.

“It's not your fault. If it's anyone's fault, it's my own. I should have known from past experience that he wanted something from me. So don't stress about it.” Jakotsu was silent for a moment as I handed him the money. He shook his head, pushing the bill back.

“It's on me. At least let me give you that.” He paused, a pitiful look in his eyes. “He's sad…he's been very quiet lately. He won't speak at all, not even when his father talks to him.” I bit my lip at hearing this information.

“Jak, don't make me cry. I don't want to be seen like this in public.” He handed me the bag.

“Okay. But I wanted you to know…it seems like you haven't been doing too well either.” I shook my head.

“No. Well, I have to go. My brother will be happy to get some chocolate. I've eaten almost all in the house.” I sighed. “I'll talk to you later.”

“Are you still coming to the library?” I nodded in reply.

“I've gone to that library for years. Just because of this silly little incident doesn't mean that I'll stop visiting. But it will be different hours from last time.” Jakotsu smiled softly.

“Would you like for me to…to tell me anything?” I shook my head with a frown.

“I have nothing to say.” And then I turned my heel on him and walked away with a small wave of good-bye. Perhaps I would be avoiding that sweet shop for a while after all.

I loved Jakotsu, I truly did. But, for now, it would be best if I didn't really see him too much. He would try and comfort me like the others, pity me for my loss. I don't want to be pitied! And the more I don't want to be pitied, the more I am pitied. The truth really is a bitch. It might even rival karma!

With those angry thoughts out of my way, I walked the rest of my way home. Just before I was about to enter my apartment, I stopped from reaching the doorknob. It felt so nice to be out of that place…should I stay out for a while longer? No, I had lunch to make. I would stay out of my room that much was for certain. If I traveled in there, it only meant that I would be back on the bed of pain, suffering, and tears.

My stomach growled loudly, making me sigh.

“All right. We'll get some lunch. Just try and make it nothing weird, all right?” I joked, though it seemed odd to joke with the baby I carried. To tell the truth, I talked to my child a lot of the time. It made me happy to think that I would be a real mother. This is the only happiness I can find at this time, especially with Shippou.

I unlocked my door before stepping into the apartment. The lights were off, causing me to frown. Seemed like Naraku went out again. It would be quite funny if he went to go get me more chocolate.

Throwing the bag on the kitchen counter, I flipped on the lights to the kitchen. Scrambling through the refrigerator, I found leftovers from the night before. Mmm, a salad would taste wonderful with that too.

I worked right away to getting my food all nicely prepared. By the time I sat down at my seat at the table, I felt satisfied that I had made my food in my time of heartbreak.

I stopped digging my chopsticks in my warmed rice. I just had that remember that night book boy had made for me. It brought fresh tears to my eyes I looked around the silent apartment. I never knew I used to be this lonely. I knew I wasn't too social, but this…this is a little too much to bear.

“Just eat.” I mumbled with a frown. “The baby needs the nourishment.” Waiting a few moments to realize that I needed this food for the baby, I took a bite. The taste was bitter on my tongue. My taste buds were interacting with my mood. How great.

When I was finished with my meal, I sighed. What was I doing, sitting here all alone? If book boy completed me, why did I have to let that all go? I don't have to. Yes, he deceived me…but maybe…did he not want to? There was a slim chance of hope that I could be right.

The hope that lay deep within my chest made a smile appear on my lips. Perhaps I would leave a letter for him too. Or, if I was strong enough, meet him face to face and let him explain. Hope was such a magnificent thing. How have I not believed in it before?

I washed my dishes, my thoughts soon deflating my sense of hope. I could never be brave enough to search him out.

The tears automatically came to my eyes and leaked out of its prison. As nice as this hope sounded, I knew it would never happen. But, maybe, this hope could give me a new light. Perhaps it would cheer me up more?

I sighed deeply. Where in the world did I put that chocolate again?