InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ LOVE POISON ❯ Answers Found? Myouga's Confession And Inuyasha's Weakened Blood ( Chapter 9 )

DISCLAIMER: Don't own, don't sue, tired of disclaimers. Rumiko Takahashi owns 'em. ::sobs:: I'm poor, damn it!

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On to the chap...

 

 

CHAPTER 9: ANSWERS FOUND? MYOUGA'S CONFESSION & INUYASHA'S WEAKENED BLOOD

 

 

The two humans, fire cat demon and little fox youkai eagerly awaited by the Bone Eater's Well, sitting on the grass, the night became a blanket surrounding them, which only increased their anxiety.

 

Shippo had stated more than once that he didn't believe their hanyou friend would hurt Kagome... but it was taking Inuyasha too long to return. Sango and Miroku stared in uneasy silence at the empty well, so much like an open, black mouth frozen in a silent scream.

 

Kirara curled up on her mistress' lap and purred, trying to soothe her. Apparently the cat youkai didn't seem to think Inuyasha would hurt Kagome either.

 

Sango and Miroku didn't say a word, didn't even dare to look at one another, afraid of what they would see reflected in each other's eyes.

 

Sango stroked Kirara's ears and bit her lower lip.

 

Miroku was staring thoughtfully at his hand, at the prayer beads that protected his friends and himself from his kazaana.

 

His hand tingled, of course, but ever since he could remember, this disturbing but familiar sensation was as natural to him as breathing. When they'd thought Naraku was dead and gone and the curse on his hand had vanished temporarily, he had actually missed the damn thing. Miroku's hand didn't tingle anymore, and it felt wrong...not to have the beads sealing the temporarily unexistant air rip. It was a relief, of course, to know that he wouldn't die on that day, tomorrow, or the day after that...but it had been confusing and he had felt...well, in all honesty...quite helpless.

 

In a moment of clarity, Miroku felt like he understood a little bit more about Inuyasha then, about the new moon and how the hanyou must have felt every time he turned human. Helpless to protect his friends and his beloved...the monk had felt that way too...felt he couldn't save Sango if she was in danger, felt completely useless. His spiritual powers didn't seem nearly enough to protect his friends and his own beloved.

 

Now, on this night, waiting for their hanyou friend to emerge from the well, Miroku felt just as helpless.

 

Inuyasha could have transformed...he could have hurt Kagome, and there was nothing any of them could do to help the young miko, their friend, their companion, from the emotional and physical pain a full youkai, mindless, out of control Inuyasha could have inflicted on her.

 

The monk wondered why Shippo and Kirara seemed so calm about the situation, especially the kitsune, who had been so clearly terrified when Inuyasha had transformed in the village. The kit had burst into tears and told the hanyou between sobs he didn't want Inuyasha to forget about them.

 

Shippo had voiced what everyone had known but hadn't dared say out loud...that Tetsusaiga hadn't kept Inuyasha's demon blood back then. Did this mean Inuyasha's full youkai form was allowed to roam freely whenever it saw it fit?

 

It was unnerving, really, how calm the little kit had become, given the circumstances, as the four companions awaited for Inuyasha's return, fear gripping the two humans' hearts. The only sounds to be heard in the night were the low purring coming from Kirara and the whisper of the night breeze on the tall grass.

 

Miroku focused his mind on Tetsusaiga again. Tried to make sense of what had happened. The youkai Inuyasha had attacked the village and the monk was sure the sword had been hanging on his hip, before he tossed it away with a guttural growl like it weighed on his youkai form.

 

Inuyasha's cold, seemingly emotionless half brother had helped him and Tetsusaiga had soothed the hanyou at that moment.

Did the sword also have a say in this, also chose when to seal Inuyasha's blood? Miroku didn't think so but with demon's swords...you never knew.

He remembered Sesshomaru's cruel voice, the stench of his burning flesh...his icy, unreadable yet intense amber eyes regarding Sango as if she was nothing but dirt beneath his mighty feet, glancing at Shippo with annoyance and a twitch of his delicate nose at the kitsune's tears and impertinence.

 

Go find your bitch, Inuyasha...

...This Sesshoumaru does not wish to kill a mindless animal...

 

Inuyasha...the hanyou Miroku had come to trust with his life, who had saved him more times than he could count, the stubborn dog demon with the desperate need to protect his friends and the gentleness in his heart he tried so hard to hide in vain...a mindless animal?

 

Miroku had witnessed Inuyasha's transformations many times...felt his powerful, menacing youki... but deep inside, the monk knew Inuyasha would never hurt Kagome. He'd had many opportunities to do so in his full youkai state...and yet he hadn't. Just one swipe of his razor sharp claws would have torn the little miko in half in less than a second.

 

True, Kagome had helped him overcome his youkai blood...but at the same time, this blood somehow couldn't, wouldn't, hurt her. In some way Miroku couldn't explain with words, the 'mindless animal' recognized her...

 

'His bitch.'

 

The monk sighed in near despair, knowing all this, but not feeling particularly reassured now that he had witnessed Inuyasha transform and demand to see his 'bitch', frantic to get to her, mindlessly destroying everything in his path...screaming for all the world to hear that they were 'hiding' Kagome from him, when he had been the one to actually order Kagome to return to her world...where she would be 'safe'.

 

There are...some things I can't protect her from...

 

What in the seven hells was going on?

 

Miroku would have to speak eventually, ask Shippo why he was so unconcerned about the matter. Even a young, harmless youkai like Shippo must know more about his own race than he let on. Perhaps Shippo didn't even know about adult youkai's insticts or behaviour consciously, but the fact that he was so calm and sure of himself when Kagome might be in danger was disturbing.

 

Miroku could tell Sango was thinking along the same lines as she absent mindly stroked Kirara's ears.

 

Shippo was the one to break the silence. "He won't hurt her, you know. I know he won't." He said confidently.

"How can you possibly know this, Shippo?" Sango asked as calmly as she could.

The kitsune shrugged. "I just do." Shippo seemed satisfied with his answer and didn't say any more. Kirara looked up at Sango and mewled, as if in agreement.

 

Miroku sighed. "Any idea why Inuyasha believes he will hurt her? He wouldn't have sent Kagome-sama away if he didn't think so." The monk commented, trying to mask his concern with curiosity.

 

"He's just a baka." Shippo muttered, as if this clarified the whole thing.

 

Truth to be told, the kitsune couldn't have explained this to his human companions, because he didn't fully understand it himself. He simply knew it, like he knew pocky tasted good and the sky was blue.

 

Kirara might have been able to explain this better, but unfortunately, the cat youkai couldn't speak human language.

 

Sango finally dared to steal a brief glance at Miroku, finding an equally confused look in the monk's eyes that mirrored her own.

 

"Ow!" Shippo suddenly exclaimed, slapping a tiny hand to his nose. Looking down at his palm, he found the missing, now very much flattened, flea youkai.

"Myouga-jiji!" The kitsune said, watching as the old flea returned to his shape.

"That hurts you know..." Myouga muttered with all the dignity he could muster.

 

"Myouga-jiji!" Sango echoed, unable to keep the joy from her voice.

 

"Ah, old friend. We were expecting you. Surely you smelled the change in Inuyasha's blood?" Miroku asked, trying his best to sound respectful.

 

Myouga frowned and jumped from Shippo's palm to land on Kirara's back. "Of course I did." He looked around nervously and snifled the air. "Master Inuyasha isn't here." It wasn't a question. Everyone was aware that the flea wouldn't be there if he'd smelled his master around.

 

"You already know that, Myouga, or else you wouldn't have come." Sango said, rolling her eyes, looking down at the flea demon in annoyance.

 

Myouga scowled at the exterminator, blushing slightly. "Why, I'd never..."

 

"Save it. Inuyasha's not here. Why do I have the feeling you didn't come looking for him?" Sango asked.

 

"Well..." Myouga looked around again. "Where's Kagome-sama?" He asked, suddenly nervous, eyes wider than usual.

 

"The lady is safe." Miroku said uncertainly. "Back at her time. Inuyasha sent her there."

"Did he, indeed?" Myouga asked thoughtfully. "Good choice, good choice. Master Inuyasha is wise..."

 

Shippo chuckled at this. Myouga ignored him. "But not wise enough. I suppose that is my fault. I should have had this talk with him a long time ago...when I sensed a slight change in his scent..."

 

"You mean...when he transformed for the first time?" Sango asked carefully.

Myouga tilted his head and shot her an incredulous look. "Of course not!" He said irritably, jumping up and down on Kirara's back. "His scent...when he..." The flea cleared his throat and turned beet red. "Ahem...when the Master...relieved himself. For the first time. That was two years ago, I should have known...but his youkai blood was dormant then...I didn't think it would be necessary..."

 

Miroku's eyes went so wide they seemed to take up his entire face. Then a slow, smug smile crept into his lips. "Ah...our hanyou friend has been taking care of his...needs." He murmured, nodding in acknowledgment.

Sango's face turned ten shades of red. "I don't think I want to hear this." She muttered.

 

Shippo merely looked confused. "Needs?" He asked, green eyes questioning the group.

"Yes, my young friend. Needs. You see, there comes a time in a man's life...a hanyou in this case... when he...needs to relieve himself."

"Of what?" Shippo asked, puzzled.

"Houshi-sama..." Sango started, her voice dangerously calm. Miroku turned to the exterminator, flashing her a charming smile and giving her an innocent look. The mischevious glint in his violet eyes completely betrayed his feigned innocence, though. "Yes, Sango my sweet?"

"I do NOT believe Shippo is old enough to hear about this. And you're certainly NOT the right person to..."

 

Myouga, feeling ignored and a little offended, loudly, or as loudly as he could manage, cleared his throat, interrupting the humans' exchange. "As I was saying..." He began.

 

The flea was cut off when a bright, white flash of light erupted from the well and Inuyasha emerged, looking a bit disheveled.

"Inuyasha-sama!" Myouga gasped, clearly surprised by his master's abrupt appearence.

 

"YOU!" Inuyasha hollered, before any of his companions had the time to open their mouths.

 

Faster than the cowardly flea could put on his hat, gather his belongings, walking stick included, and get the hell out of there, Inuyasha had the tiny, trembling youkai between his thumb and forefinger and squeezed lightly.

 

"You owe me some explanations!" He hissed at his servant.

Inuyasha quickly glanced at his friends, smelled their anxiety, and scowled at them. "Don't worry. The wench is fine. You didn't have to wait here, you know. Now go away. This is personal."

 

Sango stood up with Kirara in her arms and Miroku followed; they both nodded and started to turn their backs on Inuyasha, but Shippo stood very still, his little nose twitching. The kit opened his mouth to say something, but wisely closed it when the hanyou shot him a warning glare. Shippo swallowed hard and hurried after the monk and the exterminator, every now and then glancing over his shoulder, his nose still snifling the air, green eyes regarding Inuyasha questioningly.

 

Once the humans and the kitsune were out of earshot, Inuyasha glared down at the youkai flea.

"I-Inuyasha-sama...I swear, I didn't know...this would happen...I..." Myouga choked.

"Spill it, you little bastard! What the fuck is happening to me?!" The hanyou growled, squeezing him harder.

"I-I am just as confused as you are, master!" Myouga admitted, breathing a sigh of relief when Inuyasha stopped squeezing him and allowed him to recover his breath as the flea rested on the palm of his hand, wiping the sweat off his forehead.

 

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Inuyasha asked once he had the flea youkai's full attention and it became apparent Myouga wouldn't run away.

"I...I don't understand it master!" Myouga all but whimpered.

Inuyasha was silent, waiting for him to continue. "I smelled the change in your blood...several times."

"I fucking know I transformed several times! I want answers and I want them now!" Inuyasha growled.

 

Myouga nodded frantically. "Master...I must ask you, with all due respect..." He cleared his throat. "Have you been...feeling...ahem...aroused lately?"

Inuyasha blushed hotly and glared at Myouga. "What the hell has that got to do with anything?!" He snapped, baring his fangs at the flea, although he already knew the answer.

 

Myouga looked uncomfortable. "Well Master...you see...this humble servant cannot say what exactly is happening to you...but...you're obviously in need to take a mate. Kagome-sama..."

 

Inuyasha's golden eyes narrowed, but again he bit his tongue. He needed Myouga's explanations. He couldn't go on like this, or his youkai would take over him completely. Take everything that was his...take Kagome...

 

"As far as hanyou's insticts go, Master...this is the first time I've ever encountered such a situation. It seems your human and youkai sides are in conflict with one another." Myouga was blushing now, avoiding his master's eyes at all costs. "You see, Master...there is no balance. This shouldn't be happening...unless..." Myouga swallowed hard.

"Unless what?" Inuyasha pressed.

"Unless...your youkai blood has developed a personality of its own."

 

Inuyasha froze and visibly paled. Myouga didn't need an answer as he studied his Master's ashen face.

 

"Oh my, would you look at the time..." Myouga started, but the hanyou caught the flea between his fingers again and squeezed.

"Don't you fucking dare, or I swear Myouga, I will hunt you down and squeeze the life out of you."

"Y-you wouldn't, Master! You're too kind!" Myouga mumbled desperately.

"Guess we'll just have to find out..." He squeezed the flea harder.

"I understand, Master! I won't run away, I swear on your honorable Father's grave!"

Inuyasha let go of Myouga.

He hadn't squeezed that hard, but the youkai flea had gotten the message.

 

Inuyasha had certainly never before threatened to kill him...and both he and Myouga knew he would never do more than squeeze the flea youkai or throw insults at him, but Myouga seemed to be as frightened as Inuyasha felt, and the hanyou was not expecting this. Surprisingly enough, Myouga didn't seem to be frightened of him...rather he was overwhelmed by what his Master was going through and clearly didn't have a clue on the matter, which annoyed the hanyou to no end.

 

Inuyasha knew this wasn't Myouga's fault...but if the youkai flea couldn't give him the answers he was seeking for...who could?

 

He'd thought Myouga would know what was wrong with him...why his youkai side broke free so easily...a personality? That would explain why he remembered what had happened in the village but...Inuyasha scowled.

 

Currently, Myouga had a thoughtful look on his face as he tried to grasp the situation.

"Master...this might be happening because you have transformed many times...your youkai side has become stronger...but your Father's fang should be able to hold it back."

 

"It didn't." Inuyasha said softly, anger forgotten, looking down at Myouga but not seeing him at all.

 

He was seeing the villagers' frightened faces, smelling the children's tears, hearing the women's cries of fear of him...seeing his Kagome, seeing red, feeling his blood burning in his veins, hearing the monster's vicious snarling and mocking, wicked voice speaking to him...telling him to claim her, to take her now...

 

Our bitch. My bitch. Your bitch.

 

Was this what it felt like to lose one's mind? Was that what was happening to him? Had he gone completely insane?

 

Inuyasha's knees weakened and he slowly sank to the ground, Myouga regarding him with a concerned, helpless, sympathetic look.

 

'I'm fucking insane. That's it. That's why no one can explain it, why I can't explain it, why I keep hearing his fucking voice in my head, why I respond to it...that voice shouldn't be there, I'm...I'm crazy.' He thought, barely hearing Myouga when the flea slowly called his name.

"Inuyasha-sama..."

 

Inuyasha was dragged out of his disturbing thoughts, and he looked down at Myouga, as if he had completely forgotten the flea was there, confusion and pain flashing in his golden eyes, scowl still fixed on his face.

 

"Is it possible, perhaps...that your human side could have been weakened somehow?" Myouga asked of him carefully.

"Keh." Inuyasha said in a voice he didn't recognise as his own, it sounded so fucking weak. "How can my human side be weakened? It can't be any weaker than it is already!" He was growling now, angry again, trying to keep his body from trembling, his mind from snapping.

 

"I mean...your blood, Master. Your blood is both human and youkai..."

Inuyasha chuckled low in his throat. "And you think I don't know this, baka?"

"Master...if your human blood somehow became weaker...it is only to be expected that your demon blood would become stronger..."

 

Inuyasha shook his head, more confused than he'd been before. "How? How could my human blood become any weaker?" He wondered out loud.

 

"I wouldn't know, Inuyasha-sama..." Myouga admitted, sighing in defeat. "Perhaps you were hurt...your human side, that is. Perhaps it was wounded...somehow..."

 

Inuyasha looked away, pursing his lips into a tight, white line. "Wounded." He repeated slowly.

 

"It's the only thing I can think of, Master...to explain what's happening to you. I smell Kagome-sama on you...yet you didn't..."

 

"No! I didn't hurt her and I won't! Shit, why doesn't anyone believe me?!"

 

Myouga was silent for a moment. "The question is, Inuyasha-sama...why don't you believe it?"

 

Inuyasha's eyebrows rose in shock. He settled for the first word that came to his mind. "Keh."

 

Wounded.

 

His human side...hurt.

 

Somehow.

 

...Kikyou.

 

All this had began with Kikyou and the incident by the stream. Inuyasha remembered feeling used, feeling weak...feeling weaker even than when he turned human. He remembered thinking this...but for this feeling to be literally true...

 

Weak. Wounded. He'd betrayed Kagome.

 

And yet...when he'd been with her...not a single thought of this unforgivable betrayal had crossed his mind...Inuyasha was with her, was worshipping his goddess, his Kagome, wanted nothing more than to be with her, smell her, taste her...

 

Take her.

 

No. Not yet. He couldn't allow himself that. It was not just his youkai blood that made him fear this, it was his betrayal. And back there, in her small room, as he drowned in her and she caressed him and kissed him and made him feel as if he could fly...made him the happiest being in the world...all he could think of, all he could see, all he could feel...was his Kagome.

 

And then...his youkai blood speaking to him...in a very different tone from before...urging him on, telling him it was time, that he must take his bitch, must take her now...

A personality...

 

Inuyasha had been afraid. He'd run away from her. He could smell her arousal spiking up again from the well house, her aura calling out to his youki, and he'd had no choice but to relieve himself there, climaxing so hard he was forced to cling to the lip of the well not to fall, panting heavily, trying to regain his composture and to think clearly as his mind struggled with all his might to jump into the old well and go back to his own time instead of running back to her, to answer Kagome's call... Inuyasha had to get away from Kagome, run away from himself...

 

And now here he was...and he still had no answers. Except maybe...he'd found a piece of the puzzle...and Inuyasha felt he couldn't deal with it, couldn't see the whole picture, didn't dare to see it.

 

"Myouga-jiji...I - I don't want to hurt her." Inuyasha whispered.

 

The small youkai nodded. "You are as noble as your Father was, Inuyasha-sama. But do you really believe you would hurt her, your mate?"

Inuyasha's eyes widened in shock. "She's not my mate." 'Not yet', he thought, and blushed.

 

To his surprise, Myouga grinned up at him. "But she's your soulmate, isn't she not? Just like Lady Izayoi was your Father's. He would never have hurt her, Inuyasha-sama. Your Father loved the lady. Until he met her, the Master thought he had it all...power, titles, respect...but when he fell in love with your mother, Inuyasha-sama...he realised all he needed, all he wanted...was her. He had Tetsusaiga made for her, as you know, my lord. He loved the lady. He loved you, even before you were born..."

 

"Keh."

 

Myoga shook his head slowly. "Sadly, you never knew your Father, Inuyasha-sama. But he talked to you, he knew you before you were even born. He had faith in you. You were the symbol of his love for Izayoi-sama. You were a blessing to him, although he would never have said these things with words...it was clear, even to me. Your Mother knew it. He never actually told her in words how much he loved her, you know, my Lord. But I knew, everyone around him knew, she was his world, and you were his pride, from the moment you were conceived. You would be surprised, Master, how very much like your honorable Father you are." The old youkai smiled and folded his tiny arms, nodding solemnly. "Remarkable, really, the resemblance..."

 

"And this means what to me, old flea?" Inuyasha scowled down at Myouga, a mixture of anger and fathomless sadness in his golden eyes that made the flea youkai flinch.

 

Myouga sighed in defeat. "Nothing I guess. For now. Perhaps...it will come to mean something in the future. But know this...your youkai blood will never harm your mate. Your chosen one. It's untamed, true...and wild...it will kill and destroy...but it will protect its mate with its life...very much like your hanyou and human blood already do." Myouga tried to hold back a grin at his Master's more than obvious discomfort.

 

"Bastard will hurt her." Inuyasha muttered. "I won't let him have her."

Myouga looked taken aback. "Inuyasha-sama...you do realize you're calling yourself a..."

He wisely shut his mouth, as Inuyasha's words slowly sank in, and he understood.

 

Inuyasha thought his youkai side was not him!

 

The demon flea would have even agreed with Inuyasha before, but now that his youkai side had a personality...it would be easy for Inuyasha to control it, if only he knew...if only he accepted that it was part of him. His mixed blood was what made Inuyasha what he was.

 

True, his Master was not familiar with the overwhelming feeling of power, which full youkai were born with and controlled...unless they were extremely angry, Myouga thought with a shudder, thinking about his late Master and his eldest son, Sesshoumaru.

 

Their full forms, their blood at its purest...was a lethal weapon. The powerful youkai, of course, chose how to use this weapon. If they would use it to protect or to destroy...was ultimately the youkai's choice. The blood in itself, for very powerful youkai, did not change. What changed was the state of their minds.

 

For Inuyasha's father, it had come when he had rushed, wounded, to Izayoi's side the night Inuyasha was born, the night he had met his demise. The Inu-taisho never transformed in battles unless he sensed death. Inuyasha's blood change was similar, except the hanyou did not know it or have conscious control over it.

Until now, perhaps, if only Inuyasha...

 

"Is that all you can tell me, Myouga?" Inuyasha asked as gently as he could manage, which wasn't much, breaking through the flea's thoughts.

Myouga looked nervous. "Well - I...what you just said..."

"Do you know how to stop the transformation?" Inuyasha asked, cutting him off again, arching his eyebrows, eyes glowing dangerously.

 

Myouga sighed in defeat. If his Master wouldn't listen to reason and would only listen to what he wanted to hear, Myouga had no choice on the matter.

Inuyasha wanted it to go away. He would supply his Master with that information. Telling Inuyasha he was actually calling himself a bastard would probably only bring the flea much pain and nothing to his Master as things were at the moment.

Myouga would tell Inuyasha what he had to know, not only what he needed to hear, when his Master was ready to listen.

 

The flea took a deep breath before he spoke. "You must find out what wounded your human blood. You must make the hurt go away. And..."

Myouga clared his throat. "Youmusttakeyourchosenoneandmarkherasyourmate."

The tiny youkai flashed his Master a knowing grin and leapt from his hand, calling out for his ride. A black crow flew downwards and Myouga climbed onto its back before shouting down at his stunned Master:

 

"Remember, my Lord! Do not rush things! Nothing good will come of it! Perhaps you may find the answers you seek...on the night of the New Moon. Farewell, Inuyasha-samaaaa!"

 

Inuyasha snapped out of his shock a little too late.

"Hey! I'm not through with ya! GET BACK OVER HERE!"

 

He growled. Cowardly stupid flea thought he was so clever. How come everyone wanted him to take Kagome? Was the whole world mad? How could he, a worthless hanyou, claim what was so pure, so untainted, so perfect...as his own?

 

'Because I love her. Because she loves me.' He thought, and wasn't aware that his lips had curved into a beautiful little smile. 'I'll be damned, but she loves me. Kagome loves me.'

 

Inuyasha sighed, and his smile vanished. But how could he erase the pain that Kikyou had driven through his human heart?

 

Wounded.

 

Damn her! Damn him...damn his weakness, damn his fucking honor. And still...he couldn't hate Kikyou...he wouldn't hate Kikyou...she was...

 

Was

 

That was the key word, she was the one he'd once loved. Not anymore. He loved the Kikyou that was no more...and he loved the Kagome that was and would always be...his chosen one. His koishii.

 

Make the pain go away...on the night of the New Moon.

 

Fuck, he hated those nights...should he go get Kagome now? Hell no...he'd just been there...but it seemed like ages ago...and his friends...they would want answers too, wouldn't they? What would Inuyasha say to them?

 

'Gee, guess what, I had a wet dream in which I fucked Kagome from behind and I woke up soiled in my own seed...so I went to get cleaned up, and Kikyou showed up...she smelled of death and she reeked of wrongness, and somehow she managed to get me out of the stream, and I still don't know why in the seven hells I obeyed her like a fucking puppet...and she sucked on me, and I screamed Kagome's name. You can't possibly blame me, can you? I thought I was still dreaming...and it wasn't Kikyou in my dream, it was Kagome...and then I realized it wasn't a fucking dream, it was real and I wanted to throw up. I knew I was scum and that I had betrayed Kagome. Now it turns out my human blood was wounded by what happened that night and my youkai blood has become stronger and now I can't fucking control it...and after that, after this unforgivable, disgusting act, I took Kagome away from camp and I actually told her I cared...and we kissed...Gods, how we kissed...and then I sent her back to her world and hurt her again, because my demon side nearly took over and would have taken advantage of her...and I won't let it hurt her. Oh and by the way, we've been having conversations in my head, my demon side and me...after trashing a village and having my bastard of a brother save me...I actually ran back to Kagome...knowing I could hurt her, I just selfishly wanted to see her but...shit, I didn't just see her, I devoured her...I tasted her, sucked her, touched her all over, kissed her until her lips were sore, and by the Gods, she tasted so fucking good...heavenly. Before I could go any further, I hurried back...and now I have to make this pain in my human heart go away so I can return to normal and I have no fucking clue how to do that. All I know is that if I don't see Kagome again soon, I will definetely go mad...if I'm not mad already, that is. So, run. Run as fast as you can, run away from me...everything I touch turns to shit. Hell, Kagome should run too...she doesn't know what that bastard, the bastard that's me, is capable of...I don't even know...'

 

Boy, wouldn't that sound comforting? Wouldn't that make them pat him on the back and say everything would be okay, that he was not the one to blame for his betrayal, that Kagome would understand and forgive him because they understood and forgave him? Yeah, right.

 

Wouldn't that be nice? Except it was unthinkable. Unforgivable. Despicable. And he was scum.

 

Maybe if they hated him for it, he would feel less guilty about it, but somehow Inuyasha didn't think so. And if he lost Kagome's trust...if he lost Kagome...if she stopped loving him...he would welcome death.

Shit, he would even go to his brother's castle and beg the youkai Lord to kill him and revive him with Tensaiga only to kill him over and over again until Sesshoumaru got bored and just let him die and rot in Hell.

 

Even that would be too kind; Inuyasha deserved to be punished in much worse, painful ways. Perhaps he would seek out Naraku and let the bastard kill him, maim him, do what he wished with him.

 

Fuck the world. Inuyasha would go looking for death if death didn't find him...if he lost his Kagome.

 

Although if Sessshoumaru knew he wanted to die, the bastard probably wouldn't kill him. And it would be no fun for Naraku either, if Inuyasha didn't put up a fight.

 

So...he'd likely starve himself to death. Yes, that's what he'd do, it would be slow. He'd ask Miroku to seal a cave with his Ofudas so that he could perish there.

And he'd ask not to be buried properly. He'd ask to be left as food for the vultures.

 

Now that sounded like a plan.

 

Except he wanted to live. He wanted to love Kagome, wanted to spend eternity with her.

 

'Selfish, arrogant cowardly dog.' Inuyasha thought angrily, clenching his fists at his sides.

 

He couldn't allow himself to take Kagome, to mark her...if she didn't know the truth...if she didn't know what a piece of shit he was...but then, he would be risking her not wanting him, not loving him...not trusting him...ever again.

 

Inuyasha shut his eyes. He had no choice. He had to tell her. The New Moon...maybe...maybe then he could talk to her...he'd always found it easier to talk when he was a weak, pathetic human. When he wasn't dying, that is.

 

Inuyasha walked slowly back to the village, afraid of what he would meet there. The inhabitants were...terrified of him.

Inuyasha was the protector of the small village...this was his forest...but he had gone bersek on them and scared the shit out of the humans...made the children cry...

 

He was surprised when he found Kaede surrounded by the villagers. Sango, Miroku, and Shippo were talking calmly with some of them; Kirara was chasing a couple of giggling children, giving them the advantage.

 

As one, the villagers and his companions turned to look at him, and he smelled a tinge of fear but no panic, no terror.

 

Inuyasha was confused as he slowly made his way to the group of humans and one kitsune.

 

 

TBC

 

 

AN: All my gratitude and admiration, like always, to the great Scherezade for helping me with this chap and her incredible support. There should be more people like her in the world! I love you girl! Did I ever mention SHE ROCKS? Wait, I did? I'll do it again: Scherezade you ROCK!

Please review! Come on guys, if this story makes you happy, let me know and make This Youkai Musashi happy too! I really really really REALLY need reviews (um getting a bit persistant aren't I?), I'm struggling with this story and trying my best to update quickly...but not getting enough reviews is making me SAD...and sadness takes away inspiration ya know...So REVIEW! How many times do I have to beg? ::sobs:: Thanks for reading!!! And thanks in advance for reviewing ::hint hint::

Love and ramen! :) But only ramen if you don't review! Nope, not even ramen, go ahead and starve :P REVIEW! ONEGAI! Arigato, until next chap!