InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Loving Him ❯ Chapter 1

Whatever bastard quoted "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," should be sliced open and left to rot. He must never have experienced true loss, or true love, for that matter. Though, honestly, what fault of his can that be? It is not as if we can simply choose whom we love; however, I haven't a doubt the world would be an infinitely happier place if we could.

 

But we are mortal. It is true that my kin live longer than human beings, but that makes us none less prone to Destiny and its twisted sense of humor. Our powers, though enhanced and defined, are incapable of controlling that which even the wisest of elders cannot comprehend. So, like our pathetic human counterparts, we take what Fate gives us, however horrible or gratifying it may be.

 

This presence we call "Destiny" is a cruel and mysterious mistress, indeed. She sees it fit to grace any random being with the gift of love or fortune, yet denies it so readily to another. What manner of monster is she that she hesitates not to destroy someone from the inside out? And then there is the question of why such a maniacal master would create something as pure and beautiful as love.

 

And what is love, anyway? Those of a logical mind would deem it a chemical reaction of hormones and chemicals within our bodies. The idealists, the dreamers, the romantics, would deem it a feeling so deep that it flows within our very blood, unchecked and uninhibited. As for myself? I've a different opinion, all together.

 

Love, in my eyes, is not a simple scientific formula or a giddy feeling; rather, it is a state of body, mind, and soul. It is a bond that, while undeniably strong, could be broken like a rope of sand. Love is not something you just feel. You must develop your love for another being, nurturing it and protecting it so that it may grow properly. To wholly love someone is to believe in them, in yourself, and in your relationship together. It is to completely and honestly trust them with not just your heart, but with your mind, body, and spirit as well. It is a privilege I have never actually been fortunate enough to experience in its entirety.

 

But loss, on the other hand, is something I know quite well. When you lose the only being you've ever had any compassion and feeling for, you know you've encountered true loss. Was it so wrong for me to want him to love me? Was it wrong that I couldn't help what I felt? I don't know; perhaps I never will.

 

Sometimes, when I get to thinking (a dangerous past time, no doubt), it's hard for me to claim that the whole situation wasn't my fault. I was in love for the first time- and the last- and I wanted to share it with anyone- everyone- but most importantly, him. I was determined to confide my feelings in him, positive he would reciprocate my passion. Oh, how very stupid I had been. I rushed to him, and wasted no time in announcing that I was hopelessly, desperately in love with him- the Great Tai-Youkai of the Western Lands- Sesshoumaru.

 

The inu-youkai of my affections had always been the same: handsome (flawless, in my opinion), wise, strong, powerful, brave, and indifferent. So why did I think things would change? What could I have expected- that he would suddenly drop his cold demeanor to wrap me in his arms and kiss me senseless? Hah. Perhaps that is what my love-befuddled mind was fantasizing of, but any sensible being would know better. His reaction was anything but the heartfelt romance scene I had been imagining.

 

Sesshoumaru's golden eyes bored into me. The look on his face left me wondering if he had even heard what I said; his features remained unmoving, expressionless.

 

I was starting to lose the nerve I had arrived with. "S-Sesshoumaru? Did you hear-?"

 

"I heard you perfectly fine, wench," he hissed. His tone frightened me. I felt the last of my confidence shatter and fall to pieces around my trembling feet.

 

"How dare you present yourself to me and spout such nonsense. This Sesshoumaru hasn't the time or patience for such an emotion." His honey hued orbs were burning holes straight through my head. "Love-" he said the word with a certain vehemence. "- is a foolish and weak human feeling. Do not speak to me of it again."

 

With that, he turned swiftly on his heel, leaving me as I sank to my knees, shock registering in my mind, followed by realization, shame, and finally- complete and utter sorrow. He was gone. He didn't love me. I was alone.

 

I cared not for pride or decency as my grief exploded from me in wave after wave of tears.

 

It was there- the undeniable truth- I had messed up. If not for my foolishness, my blindness, things could be different. I could have waited, given us time to bond, shown him the woman I am, instead of the fool I acted as.

 

Or maybe that's no more than hopeful thinking. It's obvious that the gravity of the situation is far too huge to be changed. I admitted it- my weakness. I told him how I felt, no lies or understatements. Looking back, I see it was all an enormous mass of blunders- my first being falling in love with the inu-youkai at all. Sesshoumaru, while wise and powerful, has never known the sensation of love. It was foolish- no, downright stupid- to think that he could ever change. Stubborn and proud as he is handsome- he would remain in the mindset that human emotion was below him. Accepting this is more difficult than the act of dealing with it. Once I learn to live with the knowledge that he will never be mine- nor will he ever consider taking me as his own- I can easily resolve to do whatever else in my power to serve him, to satisfy him in the only available way: as a loyal subject.

 

It is not so easy, knowing the rest of my lengthened lifespan will be spent without a lover. Still, as long as I can be there by his side, bending to his will and law, and know that in return he will at the very least offer me some protection, I suppose I shall never be truly alone.

 

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

 

AN: Thank you, Cookie. That's all I have to say. ^_^

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Disclaimer: I own nothing.