InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Malice ❯ Decisions: Facing Reality ( Chapter 6 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Chapter 6: Decision: Facing Reality

Kaede watched Kagome wake. It had been eight days since she'd been found at the well, hysterical. She hadn't left the hut except to use the bathroom in all that time, and she totally refused to see anyone but the elderly priestess.

Inuyasha was almost inconsolable, the thought that she didn't even want to see him had shaken him to the bottom of his soul.

Most of the last eight days had been spent in silence, Kagome didn't seem to feel the need to talk anymore, in fact, she seemed almost grateful for the quiet. When she did speak, her voice was soft, hesitant, so unlike her normal voice that the difference was profound.

And her aura was completely different. Before, it had burned and writhed around her, full of life and love, but now, it was sad, full of pain and swirling with confused emotions, beginning to darken around the edges.

Kaede smiled calmly at her as she opened her eyes and yawned. "Well, child? And what are your plans for today? More of the same, is it," as Kagome flinched, knowing what she was really asking. "Ye cannot hide forever, child, and it has been eight days now." She sighed at the fearful look the girl gave her.

"Kagome, ye know ye must decide what ye need to do, life won't leave ye behind, like a leaf floating in a stream, ye will be carried off with the current, whether ye will it or no."

Kagome sat up slowly, pulling her legs up against her chest and resting her head on her knees.

I know she's right, but I don't think I have the strength to go on anymore. What do I do? The only thing that keeps stopping me from leaving is the fear that if I leave, someone else might end up going through this... and I can't stand that thought. It would be my fault if he hurt someone else, if I don't fight... and the fact of the matter is, if I leave and don't try to stop him, Kikyou might be his next victim, despite what he said.

Could I really live with that? She's certainly suffered enough at his hands already, and much as it hurts me that Inuyasha loves her, it doesn't really matter anymore, because even if he didn't, I'm damaged goods now, so I'd never have a future with him anyway.

Maybe... she closed her eyes as tears threatened, maybe the only thing I can do for him now is keep Kikyou safe... maybe it's my destiny to go down with Naraku, and I can certainly think of worse ways to go.

Yes, if I'm going to die, then I'm damn well going to take that bastard with me!

As these thoughts ran through her mind, she could feel a little of her old fighting spirit kick in, the thought of giving into the horror and letting him get away with it becoming suddenly abhorrent to her. This will probably be my swan song, but by the gods, if I go, I'm going to go down fighting.

Opening her eyes, she lifted her head and looked at Kaede, meeting her eyes for the first time since she'd been attacked. Fear was written in her gaze, along with pain, darkness, and sorrow - but also determination, and a hint of her old strength.

"I'm going to stay, Kaede. I have to. This has become my fight, just as much as it is any of the others." She smiled faintly.

"All this time, I've kinda just been along for the ride, you know? All the others, Sango, Miroku, and Inuyasha, all had reasons to go after Naraku, and I... I was traveling with them, fighting him for everyone elses sake. But now...." she looked away, swallowing heavily, trying to get rid of the lump in her throat, "now, it's my fight as well. Now, I have as much reason to see him destroyed as anyone else, maybe even...." her voice trailed away for a moment, before she finished softly, yet fiercely, clenching her fists until they were bloodless, "maybe even more."

Kaede had watched her as she sat, lost in her thoughts, then listened through her declaration, and shaking her head, closed her eye, beginning to fear she knew exactly what had been done to the girl.

There were just too many signs, things she'd seen only in victims of a certain type of attack, and her heart clenched in pain for the suffering that this one small, valiant girl was going through now, what she still had to face, and what she had already faced.

It would be a long road....

But as she watched Kagome, a cold fear shivered through her. Because the look in the girl's eyes spoke of death. It looked like Kagome wasn't thinking of recovering, of saving herself... but of taking vengeance, and dying. And that was wrong, so wrong that Kaede knew she'd have to discuss this with one of the girl's friends.

Not Inuyasha. He'd go completely insane if he was told of this. And Sango was too hotheaded, and already blaming Inuyasha. It would have to be Miroku. He was a monk, used to couseling those in need, and he had great wisdom for one so young. Yes, he would do. She would speak with him this day.

Still maintaining her air of calm, she smiled at the girl. "So, then, ye are staying? Be very sure, Kagome. Are ye strong enough for this? If ye are not, it would be best for ye to go home now, and no shame to ye for it. Be very sure that ye can finish this, before ye attempt to start."

Looking up at Kaede with surprise, then shock, she suddenly knew that Kaede knew what had happened to her, and shame made her drop her eyes. "You know, don't you?" she whispered.

Kaede nodded. "Aye child... that kind of attack is something that priestesses see often. It is merely a fact of life - wrong as it is, it happens, and it is not your fault. Remember that, always."

Shaking, Kagome stared down at her feet, before forcing her gaze upward again. "Kaede... please, don't say anything to anyone, please! I don't think I could handle it if anyone knew!"

"And by anyone, ye really mean Inuyasha, do ye not?"

Kagome swallowed hard, then managed to speak around the lump in her throat. "I can barely stand the thought of seeing him, Kaede, and I know I could never stand for him to look at me, ever, if he knew," her voice a harsh whisper. "Of course, if he knew, he'd probably never even want to look at me again. It's so... disgusting, what I've become."

Kaede stared at her, surprise coloring her voice when she did speak.

"Child, are ye really afraid that Inuyasha would look down on ye for what has happened?! Surely ye must know better than that! He would give his own life for ye, after all this time, I thought for sure ye must realize this." Shaking her head at the girl's folly, she reached out to her, patting her on the arm.

"I know well that most women in this situation feel that way. But ye should know Inuyasha better than that by now. He would never be able to look at ye with the disdain ye seem to think he would feel were he to know."

"He can't know, Kaede. I can't bear the thought. Please, promise me you will not tell him!"

She sighed. "I will not tell him, child. But not for the reason ye ask. No, I will not tell him because I fear for his mind if he did know. I don't think he could withstand the knowledge of what ye have suffered, ye know how protective he is of ye."

A slightly bitter laugh forced its way out of the girl. "Only sometimes, Kaede. Only sometimes." She stood, walking over to her bag, she rummaged through it, setting out her clothes for the day. "Ah, well, it doesn't matter now, as they say, there's no use crying over spilt milk. Where is everyone?" She raised her chin with determination, setting her shoulders and raising haunted eyes to look firmly at Kaede. "It's time to face the music."

For just a moment, sorrow threatened to overwhelm the elderly priestess, and she had to fight the need to cry.

Oh, my poor Kagome... that ye have been drug into this fight grieves me more than ye will ever know, child. Ye should never have been brought here, the only reason ye were is because my sister failed in her duty - and now ye are paying the price. I wish... that I could take this burden from ye, child, but I cannot. I never thought to have anger at my own sister, but I do, and it pains me that it is so.

Who could have foreseen the consequences of decisions made so long ago? This really should have ended with Kikyou's death. How many times has the reincarnation been forced back into the past to make up for the previous incarnation's mistakes?

Then again, when did Kikyou ever do anything by halves?

Miroku sat on a hill overlooking the village.

Eight days. It had been eight days, and things were still at a standstill. Kagome was refusing to see anyone, and, even though Inuyasha had been away from her for longer lengths of time before, he wasn't doing well with this separation. He shook his head.

How do I deal with this? Something has to be done....

He glanced to his side, watching Sango from the corner of his eye. She had finally returned from her village yesterday, and had been extremely upset when he'd told her what was going on. They had had to take shelter with others in the village, since Kagome reacted so negatively to anyone except Kaede.

Looking forward again, he loosely clasped his hands together in front of him. "Well, Sango? Have you managed to work out some of your anger?"

Surprised, she looked over at him, before looking away again. "I don't know, Miroku, if I'll ever not be angry with Inuyasha." She held up her hand as he made as if to speak. "I know that it isn't all his fault. But the fact remains, he did break his vow, Miroku. And even if he couldn't have saved her this time, at least there would have been the chance that he could have, if he had been there. But since he wasn't, she didn't even have that chance. Do you understand what I'm saying?" She shook her head, anger lining her face for a moment, before a heavy sigh turned the anger into sadness.

"It's just... he's broken his promise to her so many times already - and this time..." she trailed off, shrugging. "Why should she have to suffer because he broke faith? Why, Miroku? Can you answer that?"

"No, Sango, I can't, anymore than you can. Each person must live their own life, and what happens to a person in that life, is a reflection of what that person needs to learn." At Sango's lost look, he sighed.

"From what I understand, this school place that Kagome goes to on her side of the well, is a place that all are required to attend, because it teaches those in her time how to survive. Life is like that, Sango. Life is school - you attend life so that you can learn. It is as simple as that. Each individual has different things they need to learn, and so each person's life is different."

"That doesn't help, Miroku, even if you're right. I still hate it."

He chuckled. "And that, my dear Sango, is the biggest truth in life. Most of us don't like the lessons that life hands us. That is why fate exists. It forces us to keep going, even when we'd rather not."

"Yeah... so anyway, have you spoken to the baka? I haven't seen him since I got back."

"You really don't want to see him, Sango. If you did, I don't think even you could stay angry with him. I honestly think he's suffering more now than he ever has in his life."

They both noticed footsteps behind them at the same moment, and glancing back, were pleased to see Kaede coming towards them, especially as she had a small smile on her face.

Sango jumped to her feet. "How is Kagome? Is she feeling okay?"

Kaede's smiled widened a bit at Sango's obvious eagerness. "Aye, child, she is getting better - a little at a time. She wants to see ye, if ye are willing."

Sango was down the hill before she had even finished speaking, leaving behind two people chuckling at her, pleased to see the smile that lit up her face at the invitation from Kagome.

Miroku looked up at the priestess after a moment. "And you, Kaede? What is it that you want to say?"

She glanced at the monk thoughtfully. Yes... he has great wisdom indeed, for one so young... but then again, age means nothing, really, what matters is what lessons he has learned in life. And it is obvious he has learned many.

"What I am about to tell ye can go no further, Miroku, I will have your promise before I speak."

He met her steady gaze with one of his own. "You have it."

She nodded. "Very well... I will hold ye to it. Remember that." Clasping her hands behind her back, she looked away for a moment, before locking gazes with him again. "I know what it was that was done to Kagome. She hasn't spoken of the details, in fact, she didn't actually tell me, but as a priestess, I have seen this many times, and when I let her know that I knew, she indirectly confirmed it and asked that I not speak of it to Inuyasha." At his troubled look, she nodded again, knowing that he had begun to figure it out himself.

"Aye. Naraku raped her, Miroku." At his indrawn breath, she closed her eye. "There is no graceful way to say that, is there? Now do you understand why you must not speak of this?"

Miroku held his breath for a moment, before slowly letting it out in a deep, pained sigh. "Yes. I don't think Inuyasha could live with this knowledge." He shuddered, considering the likely outcome if his friend did find out.

"That bastard... he aims to destroy them both with this. And I'm afraid if Inuyasha found out, he might just succeed in that goal."

He and Kaede looked at each other in complete agreement. Inuyasha wouldn't be told.

Unfortunately for them, Naraku would make sure that he found out.

One way or another.

I am really beginning to enjoy all this angst. They are suffering, all of them. It is funny how an attack on one, causes harm to all. Have they not realized that it is better not to care for any but oneself? All this love that they claim only makes them weak, and easy to destroy.

If I had to put a name to this plan of mine it would be 'divide and conquer', because that's what I have done, and yet, if they only cared for themselves, I would not have been able to do this. Love is a useless emotion, one that brings only weakness.

Fools. All of them. They think that I will let them protect Inuyasha from the knowledge of what has been done? The very thought makes me laugh, since that is one half of the idea behind all of this. The destruction of Inuyasha. The very thought fills me with a fierce joy, a need, and I can barely wait for the day when I can face him with what his desertion of Kagome wrought.

Those thoughts lead me to another, and I frown thoughtfully for a moment.

How would Kikyou view this? Would it please her, the destruction of the woman who would be her rival? Or would she be angered at the defilement of a Miko, and one who is her own reincarnation?

I hope that I get the chance to find out. It would be... pleasing to me, because, for all that I desire Kagome now, I still have a fascination for the first incarnation, and how she thinks. She has surprised me in the past, I can never be sure how she will react, and that keeps things entertaining.

Yes. Of all the things that I have done, I like this one the best. Even if I fail in the end, it will have been worth it, because I will have left behind only tattered remnants of my once proud enemies.

Even if I lose, they will always remember me, and curse my name. That is enough for me.