InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Malice ❯ Devotion: I Love You ( Chapter 11 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Chapter 11: Devotion: I Love You

Inuyasha sat down after her, not speaking, just allowing the peace of the small glade to sink into him, and as the tension of the last month slid away, he let out a deep, contented sigh. There was no place he'd rather be in this moment than sitting here with this woman.

Glancing at her out of the corner of his eye, he saw a slight smile on her face, as she sat there with her hands clasped over her knees, just staring at the sun-dappled water of the stream.

How many times have I sat with her in places like this, doing the exact same thing, just enjoying her company, and the peace of it all? I never had that before her... he smiled, casting another quick glance at her, she looked so beautiful sitting there.

Tiny, ethereal, and way too good for this world, she held his heart and soul in those dainty hands of hers... and the saddest thing he could think of was that she'd never known. And that was his fault.

It was time to fix it.

Turning his head to look fully at her, he nudged her with his knee, waiting until she looked up at him to speak. "Are you going to be okay with Kikyou traveling with us? I know - it's probably kind of awkward, I have to say it is for me, too, but... I think she'll be a big help, you know."

Kagome nodded, looking down at her hands again. "Yeah, I'm sure she will be. You probably should have invited her to join you before, you know - that way you could have kept your eye on her easier." She looked up at him seriously. "Better late than never, though, right?"

Inuyasha shook his head at her quizzically. "You weren't listening to what she said earlier, were you? This has nothing to do with her, Kagome, and everything to do with you. She freed me from my promises to her, the one to protect her, and the one to go to hell with her." He looked away. "The only promise left is vengeance - and I intend to get that for more than just her sake."

His voice hardened for a moment. "That bastard is going to pay, and when it comes time, I think he's gonna fucking find that all of this shit is way more than he can afford."

Kagome closed her eyes for a minute at that. Yeah... definitely more than he can afford - it helps to remember all the others he's hurt, because when I get him, I'm going to get him for everyone. I swear that on my father's grave.

Opening her eyes again, she nodded at him, before looking back out at the water.

Inuyasha watched her for a few minutes, wondering what she was thinking. Moving suddenly, he stripped off his fire rat, tossing it to the side and leaning back on his elbows.

Its getting warm out here....she still hadn't said anything, so he broke the silence. "What're you thinking, Kagome," he asked softly.

She'd been a little startled when he'd moved so quickly, and it made her breath come a little faster - she'd never admit, of course, that it was the fact that he'd taken off his jacket that made her slightly breathless. A light blush touched her cheeks and she felt terribly shy in his presence; suddenly she was afraid of his reasons for bringing her out here away from everyone.

What's so bad that he had to drag me out here?

She shook her head, a little irritated at herself. "Just wondering why you brought me out here, what could be so bad that you wanted me to be away from everyone - is it about... what happened to me? Because I already told Miroku and Sango what happened, and I don't want to talk about it anymore, Inuyasha."

"Give me a break, Kagome. I ain't that stupid - neither is anyone else. We all know there's stuff you ain't tellin us, but there ain't much we can do about it, now is there?" He looked at her sternly for a minute, noting how badly she paled when he said that.

Aite... one day you'll be able to tell me, I promise that I'll get you to trust me again, no matter how hard I have to try or how long it takes.

Reaching over to her, he slowly took her hand in his, rubbing his thumb gently over the back of it, awed at how soft and tiny it was. "I know that you don't trust me anymore, Kagome, and I know it's my fault, I don't blame you, but I won't pretend it doesn't hurt... because it does."

She tensed a little when he grabbed her hand, but it felt good when he touched her - a little too good.

Don't get used to it, you fool, you're not good enough for him anymore, even if Kikyou did free him, she did it too late, and now... you can never have him. Never. So don't like it too much.

"Well, if that wasn't it, then what is?" She ignored the part about trusting him - because in a way, it was the truth, just not in the way he thought.

He sighed, smiling ruefully at her, he brought the back of her hand to his mouth and kissed it, never breaking her gaze, keeping it locked with his. He loved the way her eyes widened as she felt his lips on her skin, she looked so vulnerable in that moment that he felt his heart swell with love for her.

If she can't read it in my eyes... but apparently, she couldn't, because her expression was uncertain, doubting, so he sighed again and let go of her hand, gently placing it back in her lap.

He looked away from her, settling his gaze on the river, fully aware she was watching him. "Tell me, saiai," he could hear her slight gasp at the word 'beloved' coming from him, and being said to her, "when you promised to stay with me forever - did you mean it?" He turned to look at her again, watching her steadily.

Her face was a study in astonishment, and he almost chuckled.

Almost.

Kagome didn't know what to say, or how to say it, she was completely thrown into turmoil with his innocent seeming question. Why...is he asking me that - now? What do I say? I'm no good for him now, but I can't leave him either, because I did promise, and I can't break it! What do I do?

Breathlessly, she whispered, "Of course I meant it, Inuyasha - I'd never break my promise to you of my own free will. Do you even have to ask?"

He smiled sadly. "Yes. Maybe once I wouldn't have had to, but now? Yeah, I had to ask. But you know, there's something else, something I need to say." Sitting back up, he turned his body to face her, taking her face in his hands, he refused to let her look away from him. "Something I should have said to you a long, long time ago - I was just too much of a coward."

He laughed as her eyes widened to their fullest extent.

"Yeah, a coward. I'm admitting to it, because there's nothing else I can call it, aite. You see, I love you - more than you, or anyone else, will ever know. There really aren't any words, Kagome. At least, not that I've ever learned, anyway," he said wryly. "That's why I brought you out here." He pulled away from her after smoothing her face with his fingers. "If I recall correctly, you called it 'atmosphere'."

Kagome didn't speak, she couldn't speak, as soon as she heard the words, those words, her mind had shut down, and all she could do was stare at him, totally, completely shocked. Never had she ever expected to hear those words from him, and now that she had, the grief that filled her heart that it was now, after she'd been dirtied, stole her breath.

Hot tears poured down her face, and she choked on a sob, too upset to notice his eyes cloud with pain as he reached for her.

He pulled her into his arms, ignoring her stiffening body, and held her, rocking her back and forth comfortingly. He knew her reaction wasn't because she didn't return his feelings. He knew she loved him, she'd told him once before, and he'd overheard her say it another time. He knew that whatever this was, it had to do with what had happened to her - and he hated Naraku more with every breath he took.

"Shhhh, aite, it's okay, I'm here, and I won't let anything hurt you ever again, I promise. Shhhh....." he kept rocking her, vowing to sit here with her and comfort her until she was ready to smile again, no matter how long it took.

Kagome finally pulled away from him enough to look into his face. "How can you even say that to me, Inuyasha?! After all of this! Was it love to keep running off and leaving me behind? Love when you worried about her so much that you couldn't even see me? Haven't I been through enough? How can you torment me this way..." she broke off into sobs again, eyes closed so tight she didn't see his heartbroken expression at her words, she kept them closed as she tried to get away.

He pulled her back against him, tightening his hold when she would have broken away from him. "No, Kagome! I'm not letting you go - I just won't! Cry it all out, koi, but when all your tears are done, you are going to listen to me. You may not like everything I'm going to say, you may get mad, but by all the gods you're going to let me tell you... everything. Because this time, I want no misunderstandings between us again, nothing that anyone can ever use to try to pull us apart. You are gonna know where I stand, Kagome, remember what I told you yesterday - from this day forward."

She collapsed back against him, still sobbing bitterly, but her will to fight him gone, flooded beneath years of pent up pain. And cry she did, for what seemed like forever... until finally, she couldn't cry anymore.

There were no more tears, just an emptiness, a hole where her heart had once been.

All the time she'd cried, he'd continued rocking her, murmuring soothing noises into her hair, and rubbing his hands up and down her back. He was surprised that she'd let him touch her at all, since she'd been shying away from people for weeks now... but she'd probably been so caught up in her grief that she'd simply forgotten to notice, as it were, and for that, at least, he was grateful.

He'd never noticed how much he actually touched her, until that privilege was taken away... and then he'd missed it with a desperation that had shocked him.

Kagome closed her eyes. Her head was aching, throat sore and eyes red and swollen. It didn't feel too good when you released years of pain and the poison that pain had drenched you in all in one breakdown. Then she stiffened, realizing suddenly just where she was sitting... frowning, she couldn't understand why the fear that had been overwhelming to her since she'd been, well... since, that, wasn't there anymore.

She searched her mind, her heart, and her soul, and found that she wasn't afraid of Inuyasha holding her. But that didn't mean she could allow it, and her heart froze as she tried to pull away from him. He deserved someone who had their purity intact, and that was no longer a description that fit her.

Inuyasha could practically feel the tension in her small frame the moment she realized where she was, and fear be damned, he wasn't letting go, so when she tried to pull away, he only tightened his arms a little more, tucking her more firmly against him.

Damn it woman... I need this, I need you, and I'm not letting go! Shifting himself slightly to get as comfortable as he could, he sighed.

"Kagome? Are you ready to listen to me?"

"Please don't, Inuyasha. Please just let me get up and we can pretend this didn't happen, go back to camp, leave everything the way it's been." She grimaced, looking away from him, from the sight of them twined together like they could never be again.

I can't stand this... please, Inuyasha, just let me go.

"No way, wench. I"m not letting go. Stop trying to get away, I told you, you're gonna listen! I know I don't deserve anything from you, not after what I've put you through, but Gods dammit woman, still, I can't hold it back, not this time." He shook his head.

"Whatever happened to you, don't you realize yet that what hurts you hurts me? Why can't you just tell me? Don't you trust me? Do you think I'd blame you for my mistake?! Fuck! Whatever that bastard did, Kagome, it was my fault for leaving you alone, and I hate myself for that!"

She stared at him blankly, not sure what to make of the look on his face, or the sound of, almost... desperation? in his voice. "Stop it, Inuyasha. Just stop." She struggled to get up, finally glaring at him as he refused to let go again. "Don't make me sit you. Let me go. I mean it."

Hearing the anger swelling in her voice, he finally, reluctantly let go, letting her stand and watching as she moved away from him. "Now, you can say what you feel you need to."

"Can't you even look at me, Kagome?"

She laughed bitterly, spinning to stare at him with narrowed eyes, before turning away again. "Why should I? All it does is hurt, looking at you, seeing the one thing I wanted more than anything else in my life - and the one thing I can never have now!" She backed away when he jumped up and reached for her, waving her hands and shaking her head.

"No. Don't touch me, Inuyasha. You waited too long to decide that you actually wanted me - and I'm not even sure I believe that you do. I think it's just guilt talking. Seems to me," she said, anger roughening her voice, "that you equate guilt with love - you did it with Kikyou, and now, for some reason, you think that you have to feel even more guilty about me, so now you think it's me you love."

Inuyasha just stared at her, mouth hanging open for several seconds, so shocked by her words he couldn't even formulate any thoughts, let alone any to repudiate her words.

Where the hell would she get something like that? The woman is totally baka!

"For fucks sake, Kagome!" He spun around, staring out at the water for a few moments, before turning his head and staring at her. "You get the most fucked up shit in your head, do you know that? That little - whatever it is idea of yours, is so far beyond stupid it lost baka twenty miles back!"

"I'm not trying to be fun--" she broke off when he started yelling at her, totally taken aback.

Why's he so damn angry?!

"Fuck this! Listen to me, you baka wench, and listen good! I've had it with this 'tainted' shit you keep spouting, I don't get how you think you could ever be too dirty or fucking whatever, to chase me away from you, but it ain't gonna work." He faced her, his own anger overcoming his shock at the twisted crap coming from her.

"I don't give a flying fuck what you say, woman, this is the way it is. You love me, I know you do, and so does everyone else, whether I deserve it or not, and even if you want to try to hide from it, the damn fact of the matter is that I fucking love you back, and that makes you mine!" He moved forward, thrusting his face into hers, ignoring her little eep of shock.

"Understand this, Kagome, because I won't say it again. You-are-mine. From this moment forward, you belong to me, and I'll give you all the time you need to get used to that, but sooner or later, we will finish this - you are my mate, woman, and nothing, I mean nothing, will change that. Nothing that bastard did to you, nothing anyone says, nothing anyone does, will change my mind, or that one simple fact. You belong to me. End of discussion."

He whirled away from her and stomped over to the stream, kneeling on the bank, he cupped his hands and gathered some water, slowly drinking it down.

Baka wench... now my throat's sore from yelling at her.

Taking a deep breath, and wetting his face with his hands, he tried to calm himself, glancing over his shoulder at her - she hadn't spoken for several minutes now, and he was beginning to wonder how long it would be before she woke up and said... something.

Kagome really couldn't think of anything to say.

His? He sure has some nerve! I swear...all this time I've just been the shard detector....and now I'm his? Yeah, if only he'd decided this a few weeks ago, maybe I would have been safe from that bastard!

Maybe... oh hell, she thought tiredly, it's not really his fault. Even if he'd been there, it was so fast even Inuyasha couldn't have done anything. I just can't help feeling betrayed, though, even knowing he couldn't have saved me - he should have been there, he should have been trying! I need to work this all out... somehow.....

"Kagome?" Inuyasha watched the expressions chase themselves across her face, sighing, he moved to stand next to her. "Be angry if you want, Kagome, you have every right to be, because I did fail you, and I can never change that." He looked over at her, catching her eyes. "But think about it this way, wench. Would you have me give up now, stop protecting you, because I failed before? If I'm not even trying, then all I'll be doing is failing worse, do you understand?"

Kagome blinked. I hadn't really thought about it that way, I guess, but still - gods, I'm tired, how do I untangle all this mess.... she dropped her face in her hands wearily for a few moments before looking back up.

I don't think I have the energy to argue with him anymore...

"What do you want from me, Inuyasha? Are you asking me to reiterate my promise to stay with you? I already did that. I promised, and I'll keep that promise, but what your asking me - this mate thing? It's not possible - it's just not, the only thing I can be now is your friend, the only thing I can be to anyone is a friend--"

"Shut up, woman. I already told you, you're mine, and nothing you say is gonna change my mind." He reached over and grabbed her, swinging her up onto his back. "I'm done with this conversation, Kagome. Get used to it, and don't even think about arguing, cause it won't get you anywhere. So just be quiet, and let's go back and join the others. We need to get a move on those shards."

With that, he took off at a dead run, knowing the speed they traveled at would keep her from trying to carry on with this conversation.

I swear on all that's holy that I will find out just what you did to her, Naraku, and why she's convinced herself she's not good enough for me.... Gods - that's so fucking twisted around from the truth. I'm the one that's not good enough for her, in fact, I don't think anyone is - but it doesn't matter, because she's mine anyway.

And when I find out what you did, there won't be a place left on the face of this earth that you can hide from me, you bastard, that I promise.

Your life is mine, Naraku, and I will taste your blood.

Soon.