InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Malice ❯ Kanashimi: Who I Used to Be ( Chapter 10 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Chapter 10: Kanashimi: Who I Used to Be (Sorrow)

Kagome stared at the woman standing before her, rage glowing in her eyes.

How dare she ask me something like that... again! As if she didn't know that we're different! It's bad enough Inuyasha thinks I'm her... and then her shoulders slumped, and she laughed inside her own mind. Oh, who am I fooling? How many times have I wished I was her? But I'm not, and I seem to be the only one who realizes that.

Bitterness roiled inside her, reflecting in her eyes.

Kikyou watched the thoughts flash through the girls eyes. I wonder if she realizes just how open her eyes really are? It's like reading a book - and one of the things Inuyasha so loves about her. Nothing hidden...

"Answer me this, Kagome. Do you love Inuyasha?"

She stared at Kikyou in shock. "Na-nani?" Her mouth hung open a moment, then snapped shut, and she wrenched her gaze away from the older woman's. "Why are you asking me that? And why does it matter, anyway? He loves you, and frankly, it's better that way."

Looking back up, she met her gaze again. "I'm not worthy of him now, if I ever was." Turning, she walked back towards the fire, ignoring everyone, she climbed into her sleeping bag and curled up, closing her eyes.

Kikyou followed her progress with shocked and unseeing eyes. If she is repudiating her love for Inuyasha... she's dying inside, and if we lose her - Naraku wins.

Shaking her head, she watched Inuyasha look from her to Kagome with suspicion, then back again, before striding over to her. "What the fuck did you say to her, Kikyou? You'd better not have hurt her, or by all the gods...!"

"I asked her who she was, Inuyasha. She is struggling within herself, and her soul is slowly losing itself - she is becoming someone - other - for lack of a better way to put it." She turned and stared out over the moonlit meadow. "I'm not sure what was done to her," a dark look crossed her face, "although I have my suspicions."

Inuyasha faced her, gripping her arms suddenly. "What is it that happened to her, Kikyou? Tell me, if you know - just tell me!"

She shook her head and pulled away from his grip. "I don't know for sure, Inuyasha, and I'm not going to say what I think, because I could be very wrong. And in the end, does it really matter what he did to her? Either way, she was exposed to his foul touch, and that's enough to make anyone lose it, wouldn't you say?"

He turned his head, glancing over his shoulder towards Kagome, ears tilted, listening. Just hearing her breathe helped calm him, because Kikyou's words sent a wave of horror through him at the mere thought of that bastard touching any part of his Kagome. Taking a deep breath, he swallowed hard before speaking again.

"It matters, Kikyou. It matters."

She smiled slightly at him, tilting her head in that familiar way she had. "You love her."

Inuyasha blushed, opening his mouth to say something, then closing it again, before shrugging and looking away guiltily. "I... what do you want me to say, Kikyou? Do you want me to deny it?" He looked back at her again, slowly meeting her eyes. "Because I can't. And I'm sorry that it's that way but - being sorry won't change what's in my heart."

"It's about time you admitted it, baka," she said, fondly. "I've known for a long time, and it's okay. We were never meant to be, you know. There were too many things against us, and I'm not even talking about Naraku." She shook her head, smiling at his astonished look.

"You are free, Inuyasha. You owe me nothing, not even your protection." She held up her hand as he started to speak.

"Listen. You need to take care of her, in fact we all need to take care of her, and you need to be free to concentrate on that, because it will take a whole heart for you to reach her. If we fail to do so, Naraku wins. I do not need your protection anymore, my friend. I never really did."

He looked at her suspiciously. "What do you mean, we all need to take care of her?"

She laughed at him. "You really have it bad, don't you? I mean her no harm, for god's sake, Inuyasha. She's yours. I have no reason to hurt her, and every reason to help her, because we do need her to defeat Naraku, and that's the one thing I will hold you to. You vowed vengeance, and so did I, and I mean to take it. For that, she must be healed, so we must all work together to reach her." She smiled, nodding at the other two people in the camp who were watching them with suspicion.

"And that includes them. But most of all, it means you, because she loves you more than life itself. But you must be prepared for a long, bitter battle. It won't be easy," she said sadly.

He watched her for a long moment. "Let me get this straight. You're giving me your blessing, to be with her?"

"Did you need it? You've been with her in your heart for months. Did you really think I didn't know? But in answer... yes. You have my blessing - you belong together."

"And what are you intending, then, when you say we all need to help her?"

She raised a brow at him, smiling slightly. "Why, I plan on traveling with you, Inuyasha. That's what I mean," laughing outright as he spluttered.

"What? But - but, what about the others? You can't mean that - fuck no, Kagome will kill me!"

"Only if you don't take her aside and explain it to her." She turned and began walking back towards the fire. "Come on, Inuyasha, it's time you learned to talk to people anyway, instead of always just giving orders, you know."

Inuyasha stared after her.

Awww, fuck. Kagome's really gonna kill me... he intercepted Sango's and Miroku's glare. That's if they don't get to me first.

Dammit, Kikyou!

Kikyou shook her head at the stiff, angry feel of the camp the next morning.

Deciding that the only way to deal with it was to tackle it head on, she stood and looked around at everyone, waiting 'til they were all looking back, before speaking.

"Let's get everything out into the open right now. We need to work together to beat that filthy bastard - and you all know who I mean," she said, as Sango and Miroku looked at each other, then back at her, and Kagome flinched. Inuyasha just stood, arms folded, behind Kagome.

"Yes, I am going to travel with you, and no, it wasn't Inuyasha's idea, so you can all stop glaring at him." She grinned at the expressions on everyones faces. "I have freed Inuyasha from any vows and promises he made to me, whatever was between us is in the past - far in the past. What he chooses to do with himself from here on out has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with the person who holds his heart now, so please," a straight look in Sango and Miroku's direction, "there's no need for you two to try to 'protect' Kagome from me. I won't hurt her."

Kagome stood up, obviously annoyed at the glares her two friends were sending Kikyou. "Look, you guys, do you think I'm so weak that I need to be protected from her? Not anymore I'm not, so let's all just get along, alright? We don't need all the tension, and frankly, it's getting on my nerves." Something seemed to hit her at that moment, because she turned her head slowly to look back at Kikyou.

"And what did you mean just now, the person who holds his heart now? That would still be you, last time I checked."

"And when was the last time you checked, Kagome? Hmm? Because it hasn't been me for months," she held up her hand and cut off Kagome's attempt to speak, "and that's fine with me. What he and I had died a long time ago, and I'm not sad about it. End of story." She rolled her eyes.

"Or, at least, the end of my part of it. If you have any questions, you need to ask Inuyasha." She looked at Kagome with a peculiar intensity. "Whatever he chooses to do, he has my blessings, and my best wishes. Just remember that."

Kagome stared at her for a moment, then shrugged and turned away. "Whatever. I guess it doesn't much matter, does it?" Putting her head down, she refused to look at anyone and began preparing breakfast.

Miroku looked at her, then at Inuyasha, smiling slightly as he saw the irritation flare in his gaze as Kagome proceeded to ignore him.

Finally, it looked like a great deal of mess had been dealt with last night between the hanyou and Kikyou, and that could only bode well for Kagome. Once Inuyasha sat down and talked with her, anyway. Looking up, he grinned at his betrothed, already feeling lighter in his heart than he had in weeks.

Sango smiled back.

Inuyasha stared at Kagome, getting more irritated by the minute, but not wanting to upset her, he decided it might be a good time to go for a short run to ease some of his tension. Now that the position with Kikyou was out in the open, he needed to talk to Kagome, but that would have to wait 'til he had calmed down and could maintain his temper, and she could actually look at him, so... after breakfast it was.

Shaking his head, he looked at Miroku. "I'm gonna go burn off some tension, monk, I'll be back in a bit."

Miroku grinned and patted him on the back. "Women. They can be so difficult, eh, my friend? But worth it, every bit."

"Yeah, yeah, you letch." He rolled his eyes, then took off, heading into the treeline.

Dammit, Kagome... why do you have to be so difficult? I don't know what you're thinking, wench, but I'm not gonna let you turn me away now. You belong to me, and it's time you found that out.

It doesn't matter what Naraku did, in the end, you're still mine, and we'll get through this together.

Breakfast had been quiet, although not uncomfortable, and Kikyou was surprised at some of the foods that had been available. It occured to Inuyasha that she'd had no contact with Kagome's ninja food, and he enjoyed watching her face as she ate. Her expressions were hilarious, even Kagome finally ended up smiling, albeit unwillingly.

"Whatsa matter, Kikyou?" He grinned impishly while stuffing his face with ramen.

"This is food from Kagome's home... there's all sorts of stuff you're gonna get the chance to taste - but let me warn you now," he said, glaring at her for a moment, "the ramen is mine. No touchie."

She looked at him and shook her head, before turning to Kagome. "Does he always eat like that?"

Kagome closed her eyes with a mournful sigh. "You have no idea. Absolutely none," as everyone burst out laughing, and Inuyasha managed to look offended, while still stuffing his face. She smiled slightly - it felt good to laugh, even if it was just for a moment.

It's been so long since I've felt any light, and it feels so good... maybe... maybe there will actually be a future for me, a future with some light, someday. Maybe, if I try really hard, I can live again.

Kikyou met her eyes, and smiled, nodding. "You can, Kagome. No matter what, there is still life. You just have to reach out and take it."

Kagome held her gaze with a questioning one of her own. "How did you know what I was thinking?"

She shrugged. "Two reasons, really. One, your eyes. They are like an open book. Two - we share a soul, do we not?" She tilted her head questioningly. "Does it bother you?"

"Not really, but why is it that I don't know what you're thinking?"

"Again, two reasons. I've been trained as a priestess all my life, so I was taught to keep my thoughts hidden, and also because you haven't really tried to read me."

Inuyasha and the others watched this byplay with interest. It seemed having Kikyou with them might really be a good thing. Kagome was showing more life than she had since all this started.

Maybe there was more of a bond than anyone had realized - since they did share the same soul, after all.

Kagome smiled tentatively. "So if I tried, I might actually be able to hear you thinking?" Her eyes crinkled as her expression became wry. "That might be interesting - and it would definitely be a relief to get away from my thoughts for a while, gods know my mind is boring enough."

Inuyasha almost beamed at the expression on Kagome's face.

I never thought I'd be glad that these two were talking... thanks Kikyou, I owe you big for this. You're bringing her back to me, just don't stop, please, because I don't think any of you really realize just how much I need her.

Sobering a bit, he stood up. "Kagome... we need to talk. If you're done eating, I think the others can clean up from breakfast and get ready to leave." At her surprised look, he held out his hand, meeting her gaze squarely, seriously. "Please?"

Everyone held their breath as she looked at his hand for a long moment before finally, slowly, reaching out and taking it, allowing him to pull her up. He looked at the group. "We'll be back in a while, and if you all know what's good for you, don't follow, or try to find us, you'll only piss me off, understand?"

When they all nodded solemnly, he turned back to a still surprised Kagome. "Alright, woman... do we walk really slowly, or will you finally trust me enough again to carry you like I used to?"

She stood still for a long minute, thinking hard. Can I really... let him touch me? I don't want to dirty him, and am I really afraid of him?

Strangely enough, the first person she looked at was Kikyou, almost as if asking permission, finally nodding when Kikyou smiled and tilted her head at the hanyou. Looking back at him, she straightened her shoulders and hesitantly spoke. "I--" swallowing heavily, why is this so damn hard? "okay... I'll let you - carry me."

A light flared in his eyes, making them nearly glow, and it was obvious to everyone that he'd completely forgotten their presence, his eyes locked on the girl standing before him. "You won't regret it, Kagome, I swear it."

Turning, he bent down, waiting for her to climb on as she always had before, and at the first touch of her body against his back, he closed his eyes, almost overwhelmed by all the emotions suddenly flowing through him.

Gods, I love her so... how could I ever have thought I'd be happy with only her friendship? There's no way I could give her up - and it's time she knows it. Wayyy past time...

He felt the tension in her as she clutched at him, and closed his eyes, her pain echoing inside him.

I swear, my aite, I will destroy him for what he's done to you... no matter what it was he did, he'll pay... Taking a running leap as soon as she settled against him, he left the camp behind and disappeared into the forest surrounding them.

Kagome shut her eyes. Oh... I've missed this - I feel like I've been starving. I guess I have, really. I've let that bastard make me fear something that we all need... the touch of others. We all need to be touched, and I let him make me forget that. Well, I won't forget again, Naraku! I'm gonna take myself back, you just see if I don't, even if I am afraid - I'm gonna try to remember who I used to be, and one day, I'll find my way back to myself.

She smiled at the feel of the wind in her face, the sense of freedom that had always come when running with Inuyasha this way. I always loved this, how could I have let myself forget? She watched his hair flow around her, whipped by the wind, mingling with hers. It made her heart ache, sorrow for the simple joys she'd let Naraku taint.

Never again, I swear it. Her eyes narrowed thoughtfully. I wonder what he wants to talk about, that he had to haul us so far from the others? He's certainly looking up a lot of privacy.

Inuyasha finally slowed, coming to a halt in a small clearing clad mostly in shadows still, but with patches of soft grass, and a small stream running through. It looked beautiful and peaceful - and it was perfect for what he wanted to talk to her about.

I think I finally figured out what she meant when she talked about 'atmosphere', all those times she was trying to matchmake between Sango and the letcher. "Keh. It'll do. We're here, Kagome, you can let go now."

"Oh! Sorry." She blushed as she slid down his back, she'd been so lost in her thoughts that she hadn't even noticed he'd stopped. Looking around, her breath caught in her throat. "It's beautiful...."

"Glad you think so, woman." He gestured to a soft, grassy spot near the water. "Sit with me?"

She nodded shyly, unable to meet his gaze. They hadn't really been alone like this since - before, and she was suddenly more shy than she'd ever been in her life.

What is it that he wants from me?