InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Memento Mori ❯ Sequel: Good Girls Don't ( Chapter 3 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Author’s Note: I’d like to take a moment and thank everyone who voted for the original oneshot (Chapter 1), as it won Best Oneshot, 3rd Quarter 2008, at the Inuyasha Fan Guild! I think I’m still in shock over the outpouring of appreciation for this universe. You guys rock my socks!!

I’d like to extend special thanks to Hikari Hime for helping me tame my muses long enough to finish this piece. It may not seem like it, but this sequel has never been far from my mind. I’ve spent almost every day, since posting the Interlude, puzzling together a piece worthy of following up the original Memento Mori.

Want to see the ultimate author’s notes for this piece (and find out why it was so long in the making, LOL)? Visit me at LJ! Explanations, clarifications, spoilers available!

Disclaimer: The Inuyasha concept, story, and characters are copyright Rumiko Takahashi and Viz Media.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

She was Kagome Higurashi! She was the very definition of Good Girl, and there was a long list of things that Good Girls Don’t Do:

They don’t cheat on their boyfriends.

(They are very loyal to their loved ones.)

They don’t harbor lust-filled fantasies for anyone, especially not boys who aren’t their boyfriends.

(They are intensely loyal to their loved ones.)

And they certainly don’t wake up, soaked in sweat, hands buried between their thighs, aching for the exquisite release only ever achieved once before, with a boy who wasn’t their boyfriend.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

She was safe, solid, practical. She had big dreams to achieve, dreams that required her utmost attention, determination, motivation. Okay, so maybe they weren’t her dreams so much as dreams others had for her, but wasn’t that enough? She was exceptionally talented, and it was her duty to put those talents to their best viable use.

Right?

She’d always thought so. But that was before she encountered him.

It was supposed to be just another school project, but it turned into so much more. As they investigated the legend of a determined hanyou, his tragic priestess, and the destiny that entwined them in battle with malevolent evil, she found herself becoming fascinated with him, glimpsing into a life so different from her own – one filled with passion, and chaos, and excitement. She tried in vain to push these new, troubling thoughts aside, but found that she couldn’t.

And that’s when it happened: the culmination of desire, curiosity, and fear. In the heat of the moment, she had given herself to him, and experienced a passion beyond her wildest dreams.

…and it scared her, jolting her back to reality, reminding her of her place, her path, her plan. None of these things included him, or the passion he evoked in her, or the longing she felt as a result of their inevitable parting.

No regrets, he told her.

Yes, leaving him – them – in the past was the Right Thing to Do, if she wanted to move forward with her life. And she did, because she had too much at stake to give it all up now. Good Girl was a role she could wear comfortably, mindlessly.

Numbly.

Because questioning the content at the very core of her being wasn’t something she was ever supposed to do.

That’s why…this wasn’t supposed to happen.

“Oh, Mama,” Kagome breathed, tentatively touching the material that enveloped her. “I feel like a princess.”

She could hardly believe this dress was hers, even though her mother had been slaving away on it for weeks now. The material, a light shade of blue, was soft and silky, draping over her figure in a modest but flattering cut. The bodice was hand-beaded, tiny pearls and crystals appearing to float magically over the contrasting white background. A light overlay of tulle on the bottom portion made the skirt swish and swirl over her legs.

Her mother looked up at her from where she was finishing the hem. “I can hardly believe my little girl is grown-up enough to need such a beautiful dress,” she murmured wistfully as she pulled the last of the stitches through. She stood, helping Kagome down from the small stool, and began to brush her daughter’s hair.

Kagome smiled at her mother in the mirror, standing as straight and still as possible. It had been a long time since they’d engaged in this ritual, but it was just what she needed to calm the nervous butterflies in her stomach. I can’t believe it’s time for prom, she thought silently. Where has this year gone?

If she tried to think back on her year in full, it was a complete blur – a mass of happiness, trepidation, hope…until recently, she didn’t know she could even feel those sorts of emotions. She’d always been in control of herself and her life – until she met him.

“Kagome!”

The excited rush of her name broke her from her dangerous thoughts. She turned her head slightly to see her grandfather clambering into the room. “This just came for you in the mail!” he said, thrusting a small packet in her hands. “It’s from the University of Tokyo!”

All other movement in the room ceased as Kagome accepted the package, her fingers shaking slightly. She’d been waiting for this letter for the duration of the spring term: the University of Tokyo’s medical program was the best in the city, and it was her top choice. She’d already been accepted everywhere else she’d applied, but everyone was holding out hope that she’d receive confirmation to this one.

She glanced at her grandfather, then her mother, before focusing on the package once again. This was it: this letter would make or break her dreams, validate or scrap the hard work to which she’d devoted her entire life up to this point. With slight trepidation, she broke the seal and removed the contents of the envelope.

“To: Higurashi Kagome

We are pleased to have received all materials related to your application for a position within an undergraduate program at the University of Tokyo.

After careful review of your application, we extend to you a place in the degree program of the Faculty of Medicine…”

Her eyes blurred as they raced across the page. “I got in,” she whispered incredulously. Only the very best of the very best, from the top high schools in the country, received entry into this exclusive program. “I got in!”

Two sets of arms embraced her, hugging her tightly, proudly. “Congratulations, dear!” her mother sighed, plucking the paper from her hands and reading it over. “This is such a fantastic achievement!”

“My granddaughter’s going to medical school!” her grandfather crowed happily, twirling her around the room.

Kagome couldn’t help but laugh as the room spun around her. She was incredibly excited, happy that her family was so thrilled, but most of all, she felt as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. I did it, she thought giddily. All that hard work…and I accomplished exactly what I set out to do! Relief flooded over her. For the first time in a long time, she felt like she could breathe easier.

Good Girls don’t let their families down: they exceed their expectations whenever possible.

The doorbell rang, echoing through the house, and the trio stopped in their tracks.

“Oh, dear, is that Hojo already?” her mother asked, glancing furtively at the door. “Jii-chan, be a dear and keep him distracted for a few minutes while we finish up here.” She pulled Kagome from his embrace. “She has to make an entrance, after all!”

The atmosphere settled again as her grandfather left the room and her mother made last-minute adjustments to her dress. Kagome stared at her reflection in the mirror, wondering if her relief was palpable, even as she fought to school her features in a blissful expression.

“You’re going to knock his socks off,” her mother said as she finished dressing her hair, pinning the last silver comb in place. She took a step back, glancing at her daughter’s full-length reflection in the mirror. “My little princess…I hope this night is everything you ever wanted, and more. There’s no one more deserving!”

Kagome smiled and blushed at her mother’s compliments, pushing niggling doubts from the back of her mind. Its prom, and I’m going with my wonderful boyfriend, and I’ve just been accepted into university, she told herself. What more could I possibly want?

Kagome stepped out into the cool night air, taking a deep, grateful breath. The heavy exit door swung silently back into place, and she pressed her back against the brick wall of the building. She sighed, closing her eyes, running her hands across her forehead, down her cheeks. Gingerly, she reached up, plucking the jewel-encrusted tiara from her head, careful to minimize the damage to her sophisticated hairstyle.

She just needed a minute, she told herself, taking another deep breath. A minute away from the insanity, and she’d have control once again.

The ballroom of the Imperial Hotel was absolutely gorgeous, and the party was in full swing by the time she and Hojo had arrived. Her heart soared with pride as she glanced around the room, ecstatic to see the hard work she and the rest of the prom committee had put in paying such great dividends. “Some Enchanted Evening” was their chosen theme, and it had been executed to perfection. Swathes of blue and silver covered the walls, the tables, the chairs; a light champagne punch sparkled in the keepsake glasses, and various dainty finger foods were on offer at the buffet. The dance floor was mirrored, backlit in smoky blue, set in high relief against the stage where the band was playing. They’d managed to hire both a smooth jazz band and a DJ, something to everyone’s musical tastes.

The crowd of classmates had welcomed them upon arrival, and she and Hojo had dutifully made the rounds, greeting everyone, complimenting dresses and jewelry, making small talk among their friends. She was still riding the wave of accomplishment from getting into university, and for once didn’t mind the stares of her peers – at her dress, at her date, at the picture of cozy happiness they exuded. Yet as the night waned on, she found her gaze drifting into the crowd, searching out the dark corners, seeking a glimpse of silver hair or amber eyes. The idea that he might be there, looking at her, appreciating her in something other than a school uniform sent a secret thrill down her spine.

Then, suddenly, it was time to crown the king and queen, and she was swept out of the anonymity of the crowd and onto the stage. She took the opportunity to openly search for his face among her classmates, and felt a twinge of disappointment to note he wasn’t there after all. During her first dance with her king – Hojo, of course – she tried to push these thoughts from her mind, but found the empty ache in the pit of her stomach wouldn’t ease.

What am I doing, she chastised herself as they swayed across the empty dance floor. I’m here with Hojo. He’s my boyfriend, and he always has been. Inuyasha is nothing more than a sweet memory, buried in the past.

Yet the more she tried to convince herself of this, the heavier her heart became, and the worse she felt. Tears began to well behind her eyes, and it was all she could do to excuse herself politely – without arousing suspicion – before these emotions got the best of her.

She leaned against the cool brick wall in the alley outside the hotel, wrapping her arms around herself. Why do I feel this way? she wondered. It’s been weeks. We’ve hardly spoken to each other since that night, and yet…God, I can’t stop thinking about it, and him, and wondering what it’d be like to let myself go...

The passion he’d tapped into that night was exhilarating, but it was also scary. She’d never felt emotions so deeply, never had them touch her life so strongly. She’d prided herself on her ability to control and order the world around her, but with this – he’d unleashed a monster, one she couldn’t tame. She found herself lying awake at night, her hands wandering across her body, aching to find the same sort of release he’d given her...and feeling guilty about it all the same.

Tears seeped from the corners of her eyes, and her shoulders began to shake slightly. For a moment, she indulged in this secret pain, the longing for Inuyasha she usually kept locked away so tightly, denying it even to herself. The hollow ache spread throughout her chest – raw, ravaging, irritating, frustrating. Hoping to see him…and yet, knowing this wasn’t his scene. He’d rather die than be seen at a school-organized social function.

Her heart stopped as she heard footsteps approaching, and she quickly pushed up, clamping down on her emotions, wiping the tears from her eyes. She glanced up, stopping mid-movement as she realized who was coming toward her.

“Inuyasha,” she said abruptly, her breath shuttering in her lungs as she fought to control the wave of surprise that crashed over her. She licked her lips nervously. “What are you doing here?”

“We have to stop meeting like this,” he mused, smiling softly, reaching out to touch her shoulder. Curls of electric tension shot through her body as his hand brushed across her bare skin.

She looked down, unable to formulate coherent thoughts under the flurry of emotions that rolled through her. Her tears continued to fall, though perhaps no longer mediated by pain alone...

He didn’t speak, merely standing beside her for a long moment, before sweeping her into a silent embrace. Her head fell against his chest, her arms circled his waist, and she let herself fall into him, losing herself in his arms. He stood firm, his hold tight, the rise and fall of his chest steady and even under her cheek. She felt the gentle pressure of his arms around her, the tilt of his head against hers, and her heart broke: pent-up pain, passion, and confusion flooded forth.

“I’ve made a mess of it,” she sighed, her words slightly muffled against the fabric of his shirt. She glanced up slightly, catching sight of the small, grim smile that graced his face in response. “This wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“Yeah, well, it did happen,” he replied with a soft laugh. “So, what are you going to do about it?”

She closed her eyes again, breathing in the heavenly scent that clung to him. It was impossible to deny how much she’d missed this – being so close to him – now that she was in his arms once again. Her body began to thrum with anticipation, her mind racing with reckless thoughts and wild impulses. Her hands linked together behind his back, her fingers brushing against the platinum band on her left hand, and reality set in once again.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

They were from two different worlds.

She belonged to another. Her heart was not free.

“I don’t know,” she finally said, choking back another wave of tears. For the first time in her life, what she had and what she wanted were completely at odds with each other. She knew, logically, that she should be perfectly content with the life she was currently leading. She was on the path to greatness, one for which she had been groomed all her life.

But her heart yearned to be free, to indulge in wild passion as he did so easily, to feel with the intensity that seemed to come naturally to him. Such passion was dangerous, but now that she’d experienced it, she craved it once more.

So perhaps the question was…was she strong enough to fight for what she wanted, or was she merely content to settle for what she already had?

“Love worth having is love worth fighting for.” The concluding words from their history project rammed back into her mind. Yes, hadn’t that been the moral of the story? Hadn’t the hanyou fought with all his soul – heart and mind – to preserve the memory of the love he’d held for the priestess? Wasn’t that the driving force of his quest, to find and destroy the one who’d killed her?

Does he think I’m worth fighting for? Kagome wondered, her eyes adjusting in the darkness of the alley. She gave him an experimental squeeze, allowing her fingers to dig into the smooth planes of his back, pressing herself lightly against him. Her reward was an incremental strengthening of his embrace, as if he didn’t want to let her go just yet…

As if...there was no place else he’d rather be.

A light drizzle of rain began to fall, and she pulled away blindly, turning to reach for the handle of the door. Her stomach turned over on itself as the realization burned clear behind her eyes. It didn’t matter what she thought, how much her brain objected to what her heart knew was right.

Being in Inuyasha’s arms just now, she felt like there was no place on earth she’d rather be. For one small, reckless moment, she knew – immediately, innately – that she could be comfortable and happy, no matter where she was in the world, if she was with him. The feeling was overwhelming, strangely calming, as if the decision had been made for her.

She glanced back at him as the door slowly began to close, hoping to tell him with her eyes what she could not give voice. “Thanks for not saying goodbye,” she said quietly as he began to disappear from her line of vision. Wait for me, she pleaded silently.

The hint of a smile rose to his lips before he was closed out of her life once again, and that was all the assurance she needed.

The party was winding down as Kagome stepped back into the lavish ballroom. She took a deep breath, willing her nerves to calm, her head to clear, her body to cease its incessant throbbing. The encounter with Inuyasha had given her the courage, and now she had to act on it, before her nerve failed.

Maybe all I needed was another chance, she thought to herself as her gaze moved around the room. I needed to feel it again, to see if there was truly anything between us, or if it was merely the heat of the moment. If anything, her desire for him was even stronger than before, even in the absence of sexual intimacy. It felt right to be with him…more right than she’d ever felt being with Hojo.

Her eyes landed upon her boyfriend, and her heart began to fill with dread. I don’t want to hurt him, she thought as he made his way over to her. He’s been so good to me. But he deserves better than this…we both do.

There was a flutter of movement around her as her trio of best girlfriends suddenly surrounded her. “Good luck, Kagome,” Eri sighed, squeezing her hands as Yuka pulled the tiara away for safe-keeping.

“Yeah, I’m jealous,” the girl murmured, her eyes full of excitement.

“We want details!” Ayumi added, giving her a quick hug and pushing her forward, toward Hojo.

“What are you talking about?” Kagome hissed, turning to face her friends, whose identical Cheshire-cat grins made her feel suddenly wary.

“Are you ready to go?” Hojo asked, capturing her attention with a light kiss on the cheek.

Kagome smiled up at him, forcing herself to be calm, even as dread and fear worked on her insides. “Sure,” she murmured in reply, taking his arm.

She contemplated ways to bring up quite possibly the worst subject of all, only to realize a beat too late that they had stepped into an elevator in the lobby instead of leaving the building completely. She glanced around, perplexed. “Where are we going?” she asked.

Hojo gave her a coy smile. “It’s a surprise,” he replied, wrapping his arms around her, leaning close for a kiss. “I hope you like it.”

Kagome’s heart began to race as the fog of her mind cleared. Surely…surely he’s not planning?

The lift came to a halt on the sixteenth floor, and Hojo led the way, down the opulent hallway, to a suite of rooms at the end. He reached inside the coat of his tux and pulled out a room key, busying himself with the lock as Kagome stood beside him, her eyes wide with surprise.

He pushed the door open, revealing a stunningly posh room. Off to one side was a full-sized master bath; to the other was a combined kitchen/living area, but straight ahead – and she could only look straight ahead – was a gigantic, canopied bed, strewn with rose petals. The large plate-glass window behind it washed the room in soft light, illuminated by the cityscape.

“Surprise,” he said softly, guiding her into the room, letting the door slip into the frame behind them.

Oh, my God, Kagome thought, her gut clenching with dismay. She could read the script well enough to see what was coming next.

“Kagome,” Hojo said softly, lowering his mouth to hers. “Will you spend the night with me?”

She yielded to his kiss, trying to clamp down on her surprise and panic. Of course, she realized, her thoughts piling atop one another in rapid succession. He wants to sleep with me. It was the Perfect Way for the Perfect Couple to crown their Perfect Prom.

This revelation brought other thoughts and emotions to the fore as well. Her mind’s eye filled with memories of that night, touching him, kissing him, being swept up in him. Her skin grew warm with the remembrance, her hands clutching Hojo’s shoulders of their own accord.

She felt his arms tighten around her waist, dragging her closer to him; it was enough to bring her back to reality. She curled her hands into fists and pushed against his shoulders, breaking away slightly. “Hojo, wait,” she breathed, closing her eyes.

His forehead fell against hers. “We don’t have to do anything,” he said softly, caressing her cheek. “If you don’t want to, we won’t.”

She looked up at him, recognizing the naked desire in his eyes, realizing how very much he did want this. Oh, God. Her stomach curled, knotting over on itself. He was so gentle, so pleading…he’d done so much for her, been such an attentive, perfect boyfriend…she just couldn’t break him by saying no. I’m such a cowardly fool, she admonished herself, but dammit, I can’t deny him this.

“It’s okay,” she replied. “I’m just…surprised, is all.”

He kissed her again, letting his hands drift up her back, his fingers looping through the straps of her gown. “Good,” he breathed, a small smile gracing his lips as he began to lead her along the trail of rose petals. “I always wanted our first time together to be like this.”

She couldn’t look him in the eye, so she settled for kissing him, willing her heart not to shatter. I don’t love you anymore, she thought, tracing the edge of his bottom lip with her tongue. I’m not sure if I ever loved you the same way you loved me. She felt his fingers fumbling at the back of her dress. But I love you enough to let you have this.

“Heh,” he laughed nervously, moving his mouth away from hers, letting his head fall to her shoulder. “I’m afraid I’m no good at this, sorry.”

She took a deep breath. “Don’t worry about it,” she replied, taking a step away from him. She glanced around the shadowy room, trying to keep her eyes anywhere but on the huge bed that took up most of the space. “Why don’t we just take off our clothes first?”

He frowned. “Kagome, if you don’t want to do this, I’m not going to force you,” he murmured.

She summoned all of her resolve. “I’m just nervous,” she lied. “This is a pretty big step, don’t you think?”

He nodded in agreement. “Yeah,” he admitted, tweaking the cuffs of his sleeves, suddenly looking very unsure of himself, and far younger than his eighteen years.

“I want this,” she assured him, even as she slipped further into the shadows.

“Okay,” he said, releasing a long breath. “Then let’s…do this.” He began to disrobe.

Kagome turned her back to him, unable to watch, her hands rising to the straps of her gown with shaking fingers. He deserves this bit of happiness, she told herself as she undressed. The gown pooled at her feet in a soft wisp of satin and tulle, and she shivered for a moment in her slip before removing it as well.

A warm hand shifted over her shoulder. “Kagome?”

She turned in his arms, squeezing her eyes shut as she launched herself at him, pressing her mouth to his in a hard kiss. She felt his surprise, his shoulders shuddering under the sheer force of her embrace. They continued to kiss as they fumbled toward the bed, landing in an inelegant pile. Again, they had to separate themselves, allowing reality to creep into the fantasy for a moment, as they adjusted their positions.

Kagome encouraged him as best she could, assuring him he wasn’t hurting her, reacting as she imagined she should. They had never engaged in so much as heavy petting before: each sweep of a hand or trail of the mouth was new territory to explore. She was glad for the cloak of darkness, happy to not bear witness to this gawky, groping union. She held her eyes open the entire time, utterly afraid that if she closed them, she would remember her real first time… passion clawing at her gut, threatening to consume her, desire brimming over as she rocked beneath him…

This was nice. Being with Hojo was…nice. He was just as inexperienced as she, but he was trying so hard to please her. Ironic, she thought, considering I’m doing the exact same thing for him…

It was awkward and clumsy and a bit embarrassing, but finally, he penetrated her. She relaxed around him, clutching his shoulders as his rhythm began, biting the inside of her lips and concentrating on not crying. She wanted to lose herself to the sensation of it all, to enjoy it as she was supposed to...

Good Girls don’t disappoint their boyfriends: even losing their virginity happens in a Perfect Moment.

It seemed interminable…but finally, he fell heavily against her, huffing hotly in her ear, his chest rising and falling against hers. She felt his arms move around her once more, his mouth finding hers in a sweet, grateful kiss. “I love you,” he whispered, snuggling close, pressing her down into the soft mattress.

She closed her eyes then, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. She couldn’t reply, lest she completely fall apart. She hoped those gestures were enough…

Eventually he rolled off of her, curling beside her in sleep. She looked at him for a long time, quietly sweeping his bangs away from his face, so angelic in the reflected light of the city. When she was sure he was sleeping soundly, she slipped from the bed, moving on silent feet toward the master bath.

She flipped the light switch, closing her eyes against the harsh glare, reaching blindly for the taps of the shower. Slowly, her eyes adjusted to the light. After a few minutes, she stepped into the bathtub, moving under the spray, allowing it to wash over her in a flood of warm water.

She slid down to the floor of the tub, her arms curling over her knees, tears spilling down her cheeks. Her heart broke into a million tiny pieces as she sat there. She struggled – and failed – to contain her sobs, her body shuddering as gasps and wails stuttered out.

Her heart was broken, her stomach was nauseated, her body was sticky, sore, and still aching for release. She tried to concentrate on these physical sensations, but her thoughts continued to drift away from her. She thought she’d known the sting of regret before now, but no.

This was true regret.

She never should have let it come this far. Hadn’t she just decided that she wanted to break up with Hojo? That it wasn’t fair to string him along when she was increasingly unsure of how she felt about him?

And yet, hadn’t she done just that?

All the while knowing…

…she was going to break his heart, and there was no way she could do it softly, easily.

Not now. Not after this.

The water continued to cascade over her in soft waves. Traitorous desire swirled in her heart as she thought about everything – what she’d just done, her encounter with Inuyasha only a few hours earlier – how her life had completely spun out of control. Even now, as she wept so bitterly with regret, even now, she wanted him so badly.

I’ve just had sex with someone else, and all I can think about is him.

As her mind filled with memories of her first time all over again, her fingers finished the job that Hojo couldn’t. Even as tears of sorrow continued to flow down her cheeks, she brought herself to release with fleeting memories of another’s touch, taste, scent.

She didn’t know how long she sat there afterward, her breath ragged, her body sore but sated. Somehow, she managed to stand, going through the motions of a proper shower, cleaning herself up with care. She stepped out of the tub, toweling herself dry, wrapping in one of the hotel bathrobes.

She knew that she couldn’t hide in there forever.

As she turned out the light in the bathroom, she was surprised to see Hojo sitting up in the bed, his back to her, his lower half wrapped in one of the bedsheets. He was illuminated by the small bedside lamp, casting a haunting golden glow across his shoulders and back.

“What’s wrong?” he asked flatly as she approached.

She sucked in a breath, her heart thumping wildly in her chest as she stared at his back. You have to do this, she told herself, summoning the strands of her frayed courage.

He turned and looked at her then, his eyes wide with fear. “Tell me, Kagome,” he urged. “Please, I know something’s not right.”

Her heart shattered again as she took in his desperate expression. She rounded the bed and sat beside him, taking one of his hands in hers. She opened her mouth, but didn’t know where to begin. “I’m sorry,” she finally blurted out lamely.

He squeezed her hand. “I’m sorry, too,” he murmured. “I…” He sighed and shrugged his shoulders. “I had hoped this would fix things between us.”

Her heart lurched. Did he also harbor doubts? “W-what?” she choked out, surprised.

He looked at her plainly, his eyes searching hers. “I wanted this evening to bring us closer together,” he said softly, touching her cheek. “It feels like we’ve been drifting apart lately, and I never wanted that to happen.”

“Hojo,” she breathed, pulling away from his caress. “Oh, God, I’m so sorry.” She turned away, guilt gnawing at her, the confession of her infidelity rising up on her tongue.

He spoke first. “No, Kagome,” he said, draping his arms around her shoulders and lowering his head. “It’s not all your fault. I should never have put you in this position.” His breath hitched, but he forged on. “I never want to hear you cry like that again.”

She shuddered in his embrace, tears threatening to fall once more. “It’s not your fault, Hojo,” she replied, smoothing a hand across his back. “You didn’t force me to do anything.”

“God, Kagome,” he continued, as if he hadn’t heard her. “I love you so much – ! I wanted our first time to be special, something we shared together, and I thought – ” He paused, trying to collect himself. “I thought it would be enough to bring us back together, the way we used to be.”

Kagome’s heart beat painfully as she held him, her sweet, devoted boyfriend; the knowledge that she was going to break his heart weighed so heavily upon her. She felt completely, totally rotten, but it was time to be honest. With him.

With herself.

“We can’t save it,” she said. “Sleeping together was never going to fix our relationship.”

He sat back up, his arms sliding away from her. “I know,” he replied shamefully. “It’s broken beyond repair, isn’t it?”

She bit her lips as she looked down at the space between them. “Yes.”

He gave a short, bitter laugh. “Too bad this couldn’t have happened in a few weeks,” he mentioned. “It seems like a shame to break up before we graduate.”

Hesitantly, she reached for his hand once again. “We don’t have to break up right now,” she mused softly.

His surprise was palpable. “We don’t?”

She finally looked at him, her heart heavy with sorrow. “I’m going to need a few weeks to figure out how to say goodbye to you,” she confessed, giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

He returned the caress. “Me, too,” he murmured, his face drifting close to hers in a soft kiss. It wasn’t a kiss of promise or romance, but of sadness and loss. Their relationship was over, and they both knew it.

Making that fact known to the public, however, was entirely another matter.

The gentle tick of the clock roused Kagome from her slumber. She blinked as the rays of sunlight hit her eyes, and for a moment, she was confused. She lay in her cocoon of covers, the world dappled pink and orange in the sunrise. As her eyes focused on a point beyond the horizon, the memories of the weekend slowly trickled through the back of her mind.

For the first time in her high school career, she seriously considered skipping school.

She reached to turn off the clock, noting that the she still had a few minutes to spare before the alarm rang. Her hand drifted down to the table, fingers grazing over the platinum band that was the very symbol of all her problems. She picked it up, turning it over in her palm. The prom was only a few days into the past, and yet it seemed as if lifetimes had come and gone since then.

Did she really do it?

Did she really have that conversation with Hojo?

Did she really have to say goodbye to something that had defined her existence for the last three years?

Her throat constricted as she laid there, her stomach taking a now-familiar nauseating detour. She hated this feeling, not knowing what she wanted, paralyzed with indecision over her next move. She knew it was right, letting go of Hojo – it wasn’t fair to him to hang on to their tattered relationship just because she was afraid to move on. And yet…

…was she ready for this, to step out of her comfort zone? She’d never relied on her gut to make decisions – she was a very practical person. Her choices had always been laid out before her in a logical fashion, and she’d always taken into account every possible factor – her family, her friends, her society and culture. Such careful decision-making had gotten her where she was today, poised on the brink of a successful, fruitful career.

Was she really willing to throw all that away for the sake of a gut feeling?

She squeezed her eyes shut, pushing past the lump that formed in her throat.

Did she have to?

“Kagome!”

Her mother’s muffled voice brought Kagome back down to earth. She slipped the ring on her finger and sat up in the bed, eyeing her bedroom door.

“Kagome, is everything okay?” her mother asked, knocking softly and peeking into the room. “You’re going to be late for school!”

For a split second, she sat still on the bed, wanting nothing more than to feign illness so she wouldn’t have to go out and face the world. She’d been sick throughout her middle school years, so it wasn’t completely outside the realm of possibility. The words bubbled up on her tongue, but she held them at bay. No. Nobody knew what had transpired between her and Hojo – or between her and Inuyasha – and to fake sickness now, only a few weeks before graduation, would do nothing but rouse suspicion.

“I’m fine, Mama,” she murmured, running her fingers through her hair. “I just overslept, I guess.”

Her mother gave her a soft smile. “You’re almost there, don’t give up now,” she replied. “Only a few more weeks and you can relax again…” Her words trailed off as she closed the door, and Kagome heaved a sigh.

You have to be strong, she told herself. You can do this.

Yes. She could push back the pain, the insecurity, the nagging guilt and doubt at her sudden change of heart. She could fold it all away, keep it right next to her unspeakable longing for Inuyasha, and she could still be a Good Girl.

Some things were certainly easier said than done.

Kagome slinked into Honors history class, grateful that this horrible day was almost over. She’d never felt so ill-at-ease among her peers as she had today. Then again, she’d also never been so acutely aware of just how shallow and stringent her world really was: seeing the same people, conversing about the same things, making the same empty gestures over and over again. Her life was full, rich, balanced, and yet it held no true value.

It had been impossible to avoid Hojo, of course.

Things were more awkward than ever between them, of course.

But he gave her a good-morning kiss, and she accepted it with her usual cheer and grace.

Of course.

Kagome steeled herself in her seat as she waited for the bell to ring. Inuyasha wasn’t there yet, and she wasn’t completely sure she could handle being in his presence in her current state. Her desires were fighting with each other, and it had all conspired to make her a perfect mess – if she actually had to face him, she was quite certain she’d completely fall apart.

The bell rang, and she curled her hands into fists under her desk. During their time together working on their project, she’d become attuned with his movements, and it was at once delicious and frightening. She was always on guard, at her best and brightest, but it was scary, knowing she couldn’t control her primal reaction to him.

“Kagome? You okay?”

Oh, God. A deep flush covered the back of her neck as the semi-amused question fell on her ears. She glanced over her shoulder to see Inuyasha staring at her quizzically, one eyebrow raised slightly.

I feel like such an idiot.

Was she seriously so afraid of him? Of being unable to control herself when she was around him?

She relaxed as the teacher began to speak, picking up her pencil to take down notes about the final exam. She tried to concentrate on the instructor’s words, but found her focus beginning to wander, seeds of worry and doubt niggling at the back of her mind. Eventually, her eyes were drawn back to Inuyasha, and she gazed at him covertly.

He sat perfectly straight in his seat, his pencil poised over his notebook, his head resting in one hand…his eyes closed, his breath steady, his chest rising and falling in soft rhythm.

How does he do it? she wondered silently as she studied him. How is he so…free, so calm in the midst of chaos, so confident in the face of uncertainty? Her heart began to ache as she sat there, yearning to be close to him and yet, knowing their worlds were in strict divide. A desperate urge clawed up from the pit of her stomach, followed closely by another tinge of trepidation.

Am I ready to give up my world for yours? Will I have to, if I want to follow my heart?

His eyes opened then, and he turned to look at her, capturing her gaze before she could look away. His golden eyes seemed to sparkle with mischief and promise, and his expression softened as he granted her a tantalizing smile.

Her heart fluttered with anticipation as she smiled back at him, feeling her body flush as the visceral memory of their night together ebbed through her mind. For a moment, the haze and uncertainty of her life melted away, and she was overwhelmed with the desire to feel, to soar on the top of her emotions as she had that night, to live dangerously on the fringes of life instead of controlling every aspect of it. Her gut – her heart – was telling her it was right, and, finally, her logic was beginning to falter.

She ultimately looked away, her eyes falling to her notebook, and she redoubled her grip on her pencil. She could do this. If he could give her the time and space to figure out how, she could find her way back to him.

Kagome expertly maneuvered through the throngs of classmates that crowded the school’s gymnasium. Her spirits were high, her nerves were frazzled, but finally, finally, it was over. The graduation ceremony marked the end of one chapter of her life, and –

– she hoped –

– the beginning of another.

The last month had passed by in a complete blur. Between final exams and preparing for graduation, she’d barely had time to think about the state of affairs that was her personal life. She decided to make a conscious effort to change herself, to better fit into Inuyasha’s world. She’d taken to wearing the Shikon jewel keychain he’d given her as a memento of their history project, hiding under her uniform blouse on a chain, an unseen yet tacit reminder of her transition. She’d done her best to learn more about his world – the names of his friends, the places he liked to hang out after (or sometimes during) school, the hobbies he was so passionate about.

She was ready: ready to give up her ordered, collected little world and plunge into the depths of his, leaving behind her former identity as Miss Perfect, and hopefully gaining a new one as his Perfect Girl.

No one knew, of course: not her family, or her friends, or even poor, sweet Hojo. She wasn’t one to live dangerously – not yet, at least – and knew this transition would have to be subtle to be complete. Her excitement over the very idea was such that not even Inuyasha’s mysterious absences from the last three weeks of class could discourage her.

She spotted her trio of best girlfriends and headed toward them. Snippets of their conversation reached her ears as she approached.

“Can you believe it?” Ayumi asked incredulously.

Yuka shook her head. “Not at all! Inuyasha, of all people, getting a full ride at such a prestigious university?!”

Eri snorted. “Seriously, with the way he skipped classes? I guess we shouldn’t be surprised it’s a music program that accepted him.”

Kagome held her tongue at their tart comments. Maybe the arts weren’t considered as “serious” or “academic” as the sciences, but they were certainly no less difficult to master. She swallowed a remark about her friends’ near-failure in art class, opting instead to cut right to the chase. “Have you girls seen Hojo anywhere?” she asked brightly.

“Kagome!” they shrieked, falling upon her in a mass of hugs and congratulations. She returned the gestures, her catty, defensive thoughts dissolving. These girls were her friends, after all: they were honest and sincere, if a little shallow. They had been good to her, and didn’t deserve any of her newfound pettiness.

“I think Hojo was over by the stage, talking to the headmaster,” Ayumi supplied, pointing in the general direction.

“Thanks,” Kagome replied, giving her hands a quick squeeze before disentangling herself from the group. She moved forward with a steady pace, spotting her boyfriend and gliding towards him with false confidence.

Good Girls don’t let anything break their stride: they are experts at going with the flow.

“Hojo,” she called, giving him a slight wave. He looked up, a grim smile settling across his features, and he excused himself from his conversation.

A knot of dread curled in her stomach as he approached. No matter how much she thought she’d prepared for this moment…now that it was here, she wanted to be anywhere else.

“Are you ready?” he murmured, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“Yeah,” she replied. They exited the crowded gym, rounding a bend in the hallway, ducking into one of the empty classrooms. For a long moment, they could only stand there and stare at each other.

The dynamic between them was distant and awkward; it had been ever since prom. They put on their best show for their friends and classmates, but they hadn’t been out together – on a “real date” – in almost four weeks. She still wore his ring, and he still carried a few small things she’d given him way back in ninth grade.

He pulled out those small mementos now, turning them over in his hands. “Well, what can I say?” he asked, placing each item carefully on the sensei’s desk. “I never thought this day would come.”

Kagome bit her lip, her courage beginning to fail her just like the last time she’d tried to break up with him. Their relationship…it was all so comfortable, so familiar, so…easy. They’d been going steady for three years, and they knew each other through and through. Was she really ready to give up this level of comfort – this measure of safety?

“Kagome,” Hojo said, touching her shoulders. “Thank you. Thank you for being there for me, and being such a wonderful girlfriend.” His arms swept over her in a light embrace, tugging her close for the last time.

She was surprised to see the tears lurking behind his eyes as he pulled away, and impulsively she pressed a kiss to his cheek. “It’s me who should be thanking you,” she whispered.

He gave her a sad smile. “If you ever need anything, never hesitate to call,” he urged. “I’ll always be here for you.”

She nodded, looking down at her hands, nervously twirling the ring around her finger. Dread and fear bloomed in her gut as she removed it, letting it fall into his palm.

Did she know what she was doing?

Did she understand the consequences of her actions?

Was passion worth the loss of security?

“Goodbye, Hojo,” she said, the note of finality echoing through the empty room.

“Goodbye, Kagome,” he replied, turning away…heading out the door…out of her life…

She didn’t know how long she stood there, staring down at the remnants of her former relationship. Finally, she managed to push the fears and doubts away, concentrating instead on the possibilities of her future. She clutched at the jewel around her neck, sweeping away the small twinge of guilt that accompanied the rush of excitement.

She couldn’t wait to find Inuyasha.

She walked out of the classroom, surprised and pleased to spot the object of her desire at the far end of the hallway. Her lips curled into a smile as she set off towards him, anticipation rising in her belly.

No.

The world seemed to spin to a stop around her.

Inuyasha stood casually, his eyes lighting up as another girl approached him. She jumped into his arms and he twirled her around, his laughter bright, his happiness at her presence painfully obvious.

Oh, God.

Kagome’s heart fell to the lower reaches of her stomach, her mind racing with traitorous, treacherous thoughts – could it be?

He didn’t wait for her?

The sight before her seemed to confirm her fears.

“Oh, my God,” Eri gasped as she caught full sight of Kagome, standing alone in the hall. “What happened?”

Yuki and Ayumi gave her fearful, concerned looks as they huddled around her. “Did something happen between you and Hojo?”

Kagome walked past her friends, not wanting them to see her face as the words finally caught up with the emotions. “We broke up,” she announced in monotone. I…I can’t believe it…

Her mind replayed the horrible scene over and over in her head, and endless loop of Inuyasha catching the other girl in his arms, twirling her around, welcoming her kiss.

Have I just made the biggest mistake of my life?

Kagome gazed out over the middle distance, barely noticing as another sigh escaped her lips.

“Kagome? Is everything okay?” Sota asked, giving his sister a concerned look.

The question seemed to snap her back to reality. “Yeah,” she murmured, fidgeting with the dishes in front of her. Her mother made the most delicious breakfast known to man, but even now she couldn’t stomach very much of it. What a waste, she thought. “May I be excused?”

“Of course, dear,” her mother said.

Kagome gathered her dishes and took them to the sink, absently turning the water on and reaching for the sponge.

“Don’t worry about the dishes, I’ll do them later,” her mother volunteered.

“Thanks,” Kagome murmured. She left the room, Buyo twining between her legs, inquiring for a pet. She smiled softly and bent to comply with the fat cat’s wishes.

“Are you sure we shouldn’t say anything to her, Mama?” Sota’s worried voice drifted out to Kagome’s ears. “She’s never acted like this before, and we’re kinda worried!”

“I’m sure,” came the firm answer from her mother. “She and Hojo were close for three years, and three months isn’t long enough to let a heart heal. We just need to be supportive, and she’ll feel better in her own time.”

“Well, I for one feel that she shouldn’t be locking herself away like this, it’s not doing her any good!” her grandfather pitched in. “She needs to get back out there in the world, meet new people, take her mind off her troubles!”

Buyo purred, rolling over on his back to get his belly rubbed, making it clear that she was not to go anywhere anytime soon. Kagome smiled at the cat, grateful that there was at least one member of the household that didn’t suffocate her with his sympathy.

Oh, she was grateful to her family for being so sensitive to her feelings, but the irony was delicious and bitter. They all thought she was mourning the ‘sudden’ breakup of her relationship with Hojo, when in reality, she was nursing hurt pride and total self-humiliation. She’d never felt more of a fool than that day, three months ago, when she stood in the hall and watched Inuyasha embrace another girl without a second thought. She’d pinned everything on him, the future of her very being, and he’d unknowingly swept it all aside with one innocent gesture.

She wanted to hate him. She wanted to loathe him, to spite him, to be righteously indignant at his rejection.

But…it wasn’t his fault. Deep down inside, she knew that, and that’s why she couldn’t hold any of it against him.

It was all on her head. She was the one who had made the decision to completely change herself – he hadn’t asked that of her. He hadn’t encouraged her, or led her on, or made false promises. She’d bounced straight from one boy to the other, deluding herself into thinking it was some ‘gut feeling’ telling her to do this, to act so recklessly and carelessly.

She’d wrecked her own life, because she was so afraid…afraid of just being herself. Without the labels of others, she was at a loss – she had always been the Good Girl, the Perfect Student, the Gracious Daughter, the Well-Rounded Individual.

Now she had to learn how to just be plain Kagome Higurashi: the girl, the student, the daughter.

The individual.

With three months’ perspective on the situation, she could see these things quite clearly, but it didn’t yet lessen the pain or bitterness. She didn’t know how to proceed, and, on top of all that…

God, she missed him.

“Kagome.”

She looked up to see her grandfather standing over her, clearing his throat.

She knew what was coming.

“Kagome, you know I want only the best for you,” he began, but she stood up, earning a growl of dissatisfaction from the cat and a look of surprise from her grandfather.

“Please,” she interrupted throwing up her hands.

“But this man is perfectly suitable!” he protested. “You’ve never even given him a chance. It’s not every day such an interesting, worldly scholar shows up on our doorstep!”

“Jii-chan, I’m not ready to date again,” she groaned, knowing her objections were falling on deaf ears. They’d only had this conversation nearly every day for the last week.

Her grandfather was stubborn. “Not many people have such a fascination with the myths and legends surrounding this old shrine,” he barreled on, as if she hadn’t spoken. “Besides, you two would have plenty to talk about. He’s been looking into the story behind the Shikon no Tama, which as I recall you did a project on?” He eyed her, weighing the possibilities that she would rise to this bait. When she didn’t, he gave a small grunt. “If this was the Feudal Era, and a man showed so much interest in your family background, you would be obligated to meet him!”

“Well I suppose it’s a good thing this isn’t the Feudal Era,” she replied dryly. She gave him a patient smile. “I really appreciate the concern, Jii-chan. Just…don’t push, okay?” She wasn’t used to issuing such requests of her family, so even now, she held her breath and hoped she hadn’t offended him.

He gave her a mutinous glare, but finally relented. “Of course, my dear,” he sighed. “I just hate seeing you so down like this. You were always such a happy child…”

“Thanks,” she replied, giving him a swift hug and kiss. She turned, noting that the cat had long since left, and drifted towards her room.

She’d seen more of the inside of these four walls this summer than she had during the previous seventeen combined. She threw herself down on the bed, turning her head so that she could see her desk. Something prickled at the back of her mind…

…the Shikon no Tama…

With a rush, she was taken back to that point in time, the very first day she had been assigned the project. She closed her eyes, remembering how she had walked into this very room, sat down at that very desk, and wondered how in the world she was going to survive three weeks in the presence of the very intimidating, very attractive Inuyasha Tashiro.

Memories floated by of their days spent together, chatting, flirting, glancing, touching...She remembered the wonder she felt at being in his presence, the awe he inspired within her – for his openness, his passion, his confidence. She’d wanted all of those things, to be able to feel with the depth and breadth he seemed to. In one illicit moment, he had shown her just that…but unfortunately, it seemed that with the heights of soaring passion and lust came the depths of depression and despair.

She got up and wandered over to her desk, pulling open the bottom drawer. Buried in the stacks below was that infamous paper, and she had a sudden, nostalgic urge to find it and reread it. She dug it out, smoothing the cover page that proudly proclaimed both of their names (as well as their hard-earned A).

Quickly, she found herself immersed in the story all over again, reading through their careful analysis of the tragic tale. The bond between the hanyou and his priestess was so strong…so undeniable…it had lasted beyond death, beyond vengeance. Her fingers hovered over the pages as she read, so easily able to pick out his arguments, and hers, remembering the lively conversations they had while discussing what to keep, what to discard.

Before she realized it, she found herself out in the musty old store room, picking through family artifacts, searching for the last few original documents she knew they still had. For some reason, she needed to read the end of the story again, to be reminded that even fairy tales didn’t always end happily.

It’s gone, she thought, her irritation rising as she looked again. The final scroll is gone. She sighed, wiping her forehead on her sleeve, wondering how it could have been misplaced, when no one ever came out here…

Oh, yeah, the ‘scholar’, she remembered, her mouth twisting into a grim smile. Well, he has just as much right to it as me, I guess. He’s actually using the sources for some sort of serious work, whereas I am just stoking memories…

Her heart surged as she stood there, lost among the piles of scrolls, loneliness and grief overwhelming her for a moment.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

Her life wasn’t supposed to fall into shambles before it ever even truly started.

Why wasn’t it enough, to recognize that she had acted abruptly and foolishly? Her humiliation should have been payment for that, and these feelings for him should have fallen by the wayside.

But they hadn’t.

Why couldn’t she give up on him? Why now, even after all of this, did she still long for his nearness, his touch?

Is this what love is? she asked herself, fighting back a wave of bittersweet nostalgia. If I had known it could hurt this much, I wish I’d never laid eyes upon him.

“Looking for this?”

Kagome exhaled sharply, her heart driving hard against her ribcage. It was the last voice she ever expected to hear again, the tone and timbre achingly sweet and familiar to her ears.

Slowly, agonizingly, she turned, wanting to believe and yet at the same moment, unable to. “Inuyasha?” she choked out. “What are you doing here?”

He leaned casually against the door frame, the dying rays of light flooding in around him, leaving him partially in shadow. “Much like you, I suppose,” he replied, lifting himself up and moving towards her at a steady, unhurried pace. “I was searching for the real end to our story.”

She couldn’t think, she couldn’t speak, she couldn’t even breathe as he approached. She stood, still as a statue, hoping he wasn’t some sort of cynical illusion, conjured up by her imagination. He chuckled softly as he drew nearer, and she realized her shock must’ve been writ large across her face.

“I didn’t mean to startle you,” he said, halting within intimate proximity. His shoulders tugged down into a sheepish half-shrug. “I’ve been coming here all summer, hoping to see you.”

“That was you?” she exclaimed incredulously. “The summer scholar was you?” Her brain was only working in fits and starts as her body reacted to his presence, but one thought came through loud and clear:

How could Jii-chan have known?

Inuyasha laughed again. “Yeah, that was me,” he confirmed. “I didn’t mean to lie to your grandfather, but I couldn’t very well tell him I was researching for a doujinshi, now could I?”

Her brow furrowed. “A doujinshi? Of what?”

He held up the missing scroll. “Well, didn’t you ever wonder what became of the hanyou after he finally avenged his beloved? And what about the curse? How was he freed from that tree in the first place?”

“Yeah, I’ve been looking into that,” Kagome replied, indicating the scrolls surrounding her. “There’s some vague mention of a priestess travelling with the hanyou on their quest, but it’s not really clear if it’s the spirit of the first one, wanting her revenge, or of it’s someone else entirely…”

Her words trailed off as she noticed Inuyasha’s eyes drifting down, settling on the Shikon jewel keepsake she’d put on earlier, after reading the paper. She flushed under the intensity of his gaze and lost her train of thought.

“It’s my contention that the hanyou got a second chance,” he said after a long pause, reaching out, fingers grazing the memento he’d given her all those months ago. “A second chance at love, to make sure he did it right. The priestess companion was a different girl, with a stronger spirit, more generous of heart and soul. She understood the moral of the story: that love worth having is love worth fighting for.”

She stared at him, her breath moving quickly in her chest, her skin prickling with electricity as his hand moved across her shoulder, up her neck, to rest against her cheek. The world around them melted away, and it was only she and he, standing there, on the brink of the precipice…

“Am I worth fighting for?” she said, the words so soft against her lips that they barely registered in her ears.

Her answer came swiftly: titling his head just so, he captured her mouth with his. A wave of shock crashed over her as her brain registered the sensation, but then her senses barreled to life. In that one moment, she felt alive and whole again, her bitter agony washed away by the gentle reassurance of his kiss.

Her mind was racing as he pulled away, memories piling atop each other at a staggering pace. “But what about graduation?” she sputtered. “I – I saw you with another girl, and…I thought…”

In the back of her consciousness, she heard the thump of the scroll as it fell to the ground, then his lips were on hers again. “Sango?” he questioned between kisses. “My best friend’s girlfriend?”

Best…friend’s…?

His arms encircled her, pulling her close. She could feel the tension in his muscles, the race of his heart so very near to hers. Their kisses were growing urgent, desperate.

“Oh, God, is that why you hid yourself away all summer?” he breathed, resting his forehead against hers. “If I had known…”

Prickles of heat and anticipation climbed up her spine as she curled her fingers into his shirt. “What? What would you have done?”

He shook his head, the long locks of his hair brushing softly over her hands. “I would’ve made it up to you a lot sooner.”

Her breath hitched at his words, and her heart filled to the brim with unadorned love for him. “I’m sorry for making you wait,” she said mournfully, twisting her arms around his neck, leaning close for another kiss.

“It was well worth it,” he replied, capturing her lips once again.

Time flowed by unmarked as they continued, kissing, touching, exploring. Actions alone were enough to communicate – hesitation, hope, wonder, reassurance.

“You’re going to Geidai,” she whispered sometime later, as dusk settled around the now-quiet grounds.

“And you’ll be at the University of Tokyo,” he replied, gently twirling his fingers through her hair.

“It hardly seems fair to have to be apart now,” she sighed, tightening her grip around his waist.

She felt him shrug, and glanced up to see a surprisingly serene expression gracing his face. “Nah,” he mused. “I’ll always be with you, even if we’re on different sides of the city.”

“It won’t be easy,” she replied worriedly. I’ve never done this before…my relationships have always been easy, close, steady.

“No,” he agreed, smoothing a hand down her back, soothing her fears away. “But it’ll be worth it, if it means never having to say ‘goodbye’ again.”

~*~

The lyrics used as scene breaks are from the following songs:

Jimi Thing / Lover Lay Down / Typical Situation © 1994 Dave Matthews Band
#41 © 1996 Dave Matthews Band