InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Metamorphosis ❯ Fault ( Chapter 38 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: King Baka 
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Suspense / Romance / Hentai / Adventure | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 11.05.2009 | Updated On: 02.02.2011 | Pages: 3 | Words: 6.1K | Visits: 3.0K | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Suspense / Romance / Hentai / Adventure | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 11.05.2009 | Updated On: 02.02.2011 | Pages: 3 | Words: 6.1K | Visits: 3.0K | Status: Completed
Disclaimer: I don’t own Inuyasha or any of the publicly known characters, plot, etc. I’m just renting them from Rumiko Takahashi, Viz, etc. I do own the plot of this story and any original characters I’ve created. I will make no money from this fic; I write for my own enjoyment and the enjoyment of my readers.
Fault
Inuyasha knelt in the bottom of the well for a long time. He stared up at the stars, wondering why they seemed dimmed, muted, yet already knowing the answer. A dull ache centered in his chest for the same reason. He was almost surprised it wasn’t pitch black outside. But the radiance of the world would shine on, even if the light of his own life was gone. Oh, how tempting was the thought of returning to Kagome’s side, holding her in his arms and never letting go? His resolve would not allow it. His decision had not been easy, but he would not retreat from it. Lingering at the bottom of the well was just prolonging his torment.
Finally, he leapt out of the structure, treading slowly into the night without looking back. Goshinboku loomed above him, its presence cold and unwelcoming, even more foreboding than the last time he had banished Kagome to her own time. Thinking of that affair produced more doubt in his mind. He had been wrong to tell Kagome he couldn’t accept her as a hanyou to convince her to change back into a human. Could leaving her now be wrong as well? Were the situations really that different? In both cases, Kagome’s exile had resulted from his goal to protect her.
But no, this situation was completely different. Now, his own ineptitude and weakness provided the peril for his mate. Indirectly, he himself was the danger. This was a novel state of affairs, and he needed to respond accordingly, by actually following through on his chosen path and never seeing her again. It was his fault their child had been killed, and he would not put Kagome through any more danger or heartache. That was his decision.
The first droplets of rain descended from the skies, soon coming down in sheets. The wind buffeted him, tugging at his clothing and whipping his hair. It was as if nature itself was rebelling against him. Still he walked throughout the night, neither he nor the storm ceasing until daybreak.
“Inuya—aaaaaah!” she cried as the simple action of attempting to sit up set her entire abdomen aflame. She gritted her teeth, a few tears escaping from the fierceness of the agony shooting through her body with every beat of her heart. Eventually, after several long moments of lying perfectly still, the pain subsided enough for her to inspect the damage. She gasped at the sight of her stomach, tinged a revolting shade of blue-black. It looked like she had been punched by the full force of a giant. Triggered by the view, her memories came back to her at that moment. She recalled seeing the beetle looming over Inuyasha again, her desperation to come to his rescue, and her shock when he was in fact completely unharmed. The insect spun almost too quickly for her to follow, and there was an impact. Then she blacked out.
None of that explained why Inuyasha brought her here instead of simply caring for her in the past. Her injury was excruciatingly painful, but it wasn’t life-threatening. And where the hell was he? Usually when she was wounded he wouldn’t let her out of his sight. Maybe her mother had managed to drag him away to put some food in his stomach. That was fine, but why on earth would Inuyasha bring her here in the first place? She generally tried to avoid letting her mother see her when she was hurt, at least physically. And they hadn’t been that close to the well, if she remembered correctly. So why go to the trouble of carrying her all that way? Had he done it out of kindness or concern, so she could recuperate in the greatest possible degree of comfort? That was plausible, but she still couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that the gesture wasn’t that simple, or innocent. Then again, Inuyasha had taken to pampering her more since she became pregn—
Kagome froze, a sudden chill settling in her gut as the possible significance of her injury’s location dawned on her. No… It couldn’t be; the baby was hanyou. It was strong enough to survive the blow, right? It had to be. Fortunately, she knew of a way to find out for sure. But she hesitated, not sure she wanted the answer. Finally, she closed her eyes and focused her miko powers inward, searching for the innocent presence of her child. It had been there ever since its conception, glowing brightly whenever she sought it out, as if rejoicing in the simple joy of life. Being able to sense her developing child was a cherished comfort for Kagome; she partook every night before surrendering to sleep. Now, no joyful presence appeared to comfort her, soothe her fears. There was nothing, only a hollow darkness that petrified her with its emptiness, made her feel that she was nothing more than a sunken husk of a person. She lay there in stunned silence for an interminable amount of time. She stared up at the ceiling, surprised when the expected tears never came. Perhaps reality hadn’t truly set in yet. Suddenly, the door creaked open, and she rolled over on her side quickly to glimpse the visitor.
“Inuyasha?” she inquired desperately, hoping he could tell her she was wrong, that the baby was fine, that this was all some sort of sick nightmare. Unfortunately, it was her mother’s form which greeted her instead, and Kagome could instantly tell from meeting the older woman’s miserable eyes that no such reassurances were forthcoming.
“Kagome,” she breathed, walking over to the bed and sitting down by her daughter’s side. She glanced away, unable to watch as the frantic hope in Kagome’s eyes was extinguished by her next words. “I’m sorry, but…he left.”
Her mother’s tone left no doubt as to the true meaning of her words. It was far worse than Kagome had originally feared. Not only had she lost their child, but Inuyasha, her love, her mate, was gone. He had…abandoned her. Her heart seemed to crumble in on itself, and the dam on her tears burst as torrents of liquid anguish poured forth. Mrs. Higurashi gathered the broken pieces of her daughter tightly in her arms, holding her long into the night until blessed unconsciousness finally ended Kagome’s torment, at least temporarily. In the morning, she would help her daughter clean up, and then she would begin the arduous process of trying to put her back together. But she knew those efforts would likely prove futile. There was only one person who could undo the damage done to her daughter, and he was apparently the only one too blind to see how much she needed him.
“Shh, Jii-chan! Kagome will hear you!” Souta hushed.
“Good! It’s something she needs to hear!”
“What she needs is for everyone to support her,” Mrs. Higurashi interrupted sternly, shooting her father a glare. The old man harrumphed and crossed his arms over his chest, mumbling about his granddaughter’s absent companion. Souta looked away, conflict written all over his face. And no wonder; his hero had done something so villainous that under normal circumstances it would be unforgivable. This situation was far from ordinary, but Mrs. Higurashi’s first instinct was to go upstairs and try to persuade Kagome to forget about Inuyasha and move on with her life. The hanyou would be relegated to the status of “he who shall not be named in this house,” both because of his offense and to avoid reminding Kagome of him. Yesterday she had been very close to actually going through with that plan.
But something bothered her, something about the way Inuyasha left the other night. What he said, the tone of his voice…her memory kept her from condemning him completely. Still, all the reservations from a year and a half of watching her daughter disappear into the past with a strange man—concerns that had been mostly buried until now—had reemerged and now cast a shadow over her whenever she thought of the hanyou. She had never believed him capable of something like this, abandoning a woman he supposedly loved after she had just lost his child. She knew he had lived a hard life; perhaps that made him incapable of loving someone as deeply as he needed to form a lasting relationship. Or maybe he was just a coward, so afraid to face his mate again that he would rather live the rest of his life alone. She frowned; she had never known Inuyasha to be cowardly or heartless. But on the other hand, she apparently didn’t know him nearly as well as she thought she did. And neither did Kagome. Sighing, Mrs. Higurashi tried to take her mind off Inuyasha, heading into the kitchen to make her daughter something to eat. She would get some food in Kagome’s stomach today if she had to shove it down her stubborn throat. She hoped it wouldn’t come to that.
At various times over the past few days, her family members had come in and attempted to cheer her up. While she didn’t ignore them, her dismal spirits simply refused to be raised. Her mother appeared periodically to offer food, but she never accepted. Neither Souta, her grandfather, nor even Buyo came in yesterday, so perhaps they had decided to give her time. A misguided effort; she felt that no matter how much time she was given, it would never be enough. That had been her attitude ever since the afternoon of the first day, when thoughts of going back to Inuyasha first sprang up in her mind. Perhaps he hadn’t abandoned her? Perhaps he was simply cooling off, dealing with his grief in his own way in the feudal era? That idea was brutally struck down by her realization that she could no longer sense any portion of the Shikon no Tama. He had taken it from her, knowingly sealing her in her own time. Was it any surprise that yet another crying fit gripped her for the rest of the day? Then something snapped inside her, and her tears dried. She had not shed another since. It was almost like her heart was so beaten down that it lacked the strength to form tears, feel sadness, feel anything.
She wanted to hate Inuyasha for rendering her so empty inside, but how could she? Yesterday she had come to terms with the fact that she still loved him, even if he now hated her. And besides, how could she blame him for hating her when she despised herself? Footsteps sounded in the hallway and her mother’s scent drifted through the opening door. Kagome curled further into herself; she was growing tired of this, weary of everything.
“Kagome, please eat something,” her mother pleaded, but the miko made no reply. Mrs. Higurashi clenched her fist, trying to reign in her frustration, but she was unable to keep her voice level. “Please, Kagome! You have to eat! I can’t watch you waste away to nothing!”
For a moment Kagome remained motionless, then she rolled over, unable to ignore the worry in her mother’s voice. Her expression softened at the tears gathering in the older woman’s eyes, and finally she sighed. Sitting up, she motioned for the tray, which Mrs. Higurashi eagerly set in her lap. Kagome tentatively stirred the contents of the bowl, toying with the oden, her favorite dish. Her mother really wanted her to eat something. Glancing once more at the other woman’s hopeful face, she sighed again and reluctantly stuck a bite in her mouth. Her eyes nearly bugged out of her skull; not until that very moment did she realize how hungry she was. She wolfed down the rest of the oden in truly Inuyasha-esque fashion, though fortunately that observation did not occur to her. Her stomach growled like some sort of predator, too ravenous after its long hibernation to be satisfied with just one meal.
“Would you like some more, dear?” Mrs. Higurashi posed happily, smiling for the first time in four days. Kagome frowned; she did want more, but on the other hand eating too much and getting sick would only add to her misery. She shook her head, and her mother chose not to press the issue, satisfied that her daughter wasn’t going to starve herself to death. The next step was getting her to leave her room for something other than the toilet.
“Why don’t you come downstairs? We could go outside and sit under Goshinboku, or you could watch TV for awhile, or…” she trailed off, her cautious optimism sinking as Kagome set the tray down on the bed and rolled over to face the wall again. While the miko had decided that she wouldn’t kill herself, asking anything more than that was too demanding. For her part, Mrs. Higurashi did not take the rejection well. Maybe it was because she no longer had to worry about her daughter’s refusal to eat, but she found herself becoming infuriated by Kagome’s attitude. If she was just going to sit up here every day by herself, then she might as well be dead! As harsh as that sounded, it was completely true. And Mrs. Higurashi wasn’t going to abandon her daughter to such a fate without a fight.
“That’s it!” she yelled, picking up the tray and hurling it across the room. It clattered against the bureau, the dishware shattering on the floor. Kagome nearly jumped out of her skin, turning to face her enraged mother with wide, frightened eyes.
“You are coming downstairs right now, young lady! I’m not going to let you seal yourself in your room anymore!”
Kagome gulped in shock. She couldn’t remember the last time her mother had spoken to her like that, and she didn’t appreciate it. Given her mood, she wasn’t inclined to just follow orders that easily. Squaring her shoulders, she set her jaw and prepared for a melee.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
Mrs. Higurashi stared red-faced at her daughter, looking like steam would come shooting out her ears at any moment. Finally, after neither woman backed down from the staring contest, she wrenched herself away, pacing a few steps toward the door. She stopped, rubbing her temples in an effort to control her temper. Kagome had been through a rough time, and yelling at her wasn’t the best way to go about this. The legendary Higurashi stubbornness ran thick in her daughter’s blood, and needed to be appeased. Taking a deep breath, Mrs. Higurashi plunked herself down in Kagome’s desk chair.
“Kagome, please, do you have any idea how much it hurts to see you torture yourself up here every minute of every day?”
Kagome slumped, all the fight leaving her. It was bad enough that she was miserable, but she never intended to cause her family any pain. But leaving her room just seemed so…useless. What was there to accomplish? What reason did she have for getting out of bed? She couldn’t come up with one that would outweigh her natural desire to simply remain in her room and self-loathe.
“But what’s the point, Mama?” she whined, hoping the older woman would just leave her alone.
“The point, Kagome, is that there’s more than one person in your world who cares about you. Souta and your grandfather are worried sick, and so am I. You used to be such a happy girl, and you brought joy to our lives, even though we haven’t seen you that much since you started traveling with Inu—your friends in the past,” she amended, cursing herself for the slip. Kagome didn’t miss it, judging by her wince.
“Now,” Mrs. Higurashi continued, “it’s hard for us not to feel as miserable as you do. You have a long life ahead of you, Kagome. Can you even imagine how gloomy it will be if you don’t let any light in?” she asked, not only referring to the closed shades over the window. “I don’t expect you to go back to your old self overnight. I’m only asking you to try, even if it’s just a little bit, and let us show you that we still love you and you still have a lot to live for.”
There was a lengthy pause as Kagome considered her mother’s words in silence. She hadn’t been able to come up with a reason to get out of bed, but her mama had just supplied her with one. She loved her family deeply, and that was enough of an incentive to try.
“I guess I could come down and watch TV,” she mumbled, swinging her legs over the side of the bed.
“That’s the spirit!” Mrs. Higurashi declared, standing and offering her daughter a hand. “Need me to carry you? Have your legs atrophied?”
“I can walk, Mama,” Kagome replied, a slight chuckle escaping her. Mrs. Higurashi grinned; her joke had succeeded in lightening the mood. But Kagome made no move to stand; she continued to sit on her bed frowning and staring off into space. It appeared she still had something to say, and Mrs. Higurashi waited patiently for her to find the words.
“I hope you don’t expect me to…forget about him. I can’t. I just can’t!” she cried, closing her eyes tightly and bracing herself for the argument she clearly thought was coming. Her mother sighed, sitting down by her side and wrapping her arm around her shoulders.
“I know that, sweetheart. Part of me wants you to, but I know you can’t. It would be like asking me to forget your father. You never stop thinking about the people you love…” she trailed off, momentarily lost in her own thoughts. She thought of her late husband, then her mind drifted back to Inuyasha’s departure a few nights ago. “And he’ll never forget about you, either,” she muttered at a level that a human wouldn’t be able to make out.
“Wh-what makes you say that?” Kagome inquired, startling the older woman. For a critical moment, she had forgotten about her daughter’s hanyou ears. But she couldn’t take it back; and besides, it was something Kagome needed to hear.
“I…I saw him leave the other night.”
“What?! Did he say anything?!”
“All he said was ‘take care of her.’”
“That’s something he should be doing,” Kagome stated, drawing her knees up to her chest as she felt fresh tears gather in her eyes. “We were supposed to be together forever, Mama.”
“I know, dear,” she soothed, pulling her daughter closer so her head rested on her shoulder. Kagome sniffled, obviously trying to control herself. She probably felt she had done enough crying lately. “Maybe…maybe you still can be.”
“Mama?”
Mrs. Higurashi growled in frustration, surprising Kagome even further. Then she stood and began pacing back and forth across the room, as if she was having an internal argument with herself. Finally she stopped and turned to face her daughter.
“You know, it absolutely kills me to say that. I want to tell you to forget about him and move on with your life. I want to condemn him to the fiery depths of hell. I want to hate him for this! Any good mother in my position would! But I saw him the other night. He looked so…defeated is the only way I can describe it. And I thought I knew Inuyasha; I loved him as a son. Even now, part of me tries to defend him, telling me that he had to have had a good reason for leaving. And then I wonder what the hell is wrong with me! He left my only daughter after she had a miscarriage, and I’m trying to rationalize it?! I—”
“Stop, Mama!” Kagome yelled, standing and putting her hand on her mother’s shoulder. The roles of comforter and comforted had been reversed for the time being, as the older woman struggled to hold back her own tears. “I’m confused too,” Kagome confessed, “but I know why he left. He blames me for losing our child.”
“But how can he? You were together when it happened, weren’t you?”
“Yes, we were. He told me to stay back, and I didn’t listen. I tried to help him.”
“But that doesn’t make sense! Couples are supposed to protect each other, so it’s partly his fault as well!”
“I don’t—” Kagome began to reply before cutting herself off. Wait…wait just a minute! Her mind slowed to a crawl as her mother’s words sunk in. He looked so defeated. He said “take care of her.” Maybe he didn’t leave because he blamed me. Maybe…oh, no, he couldn’t possibly… And yet, even as she tried to convince herself otherwise, she now knew that she had him pegged all wrong. Everything her mother said made sense now. Of course he would blame himself! How could she have been stupid enough to think otherwise? And of course he would leave her in her time, cavalierly trying to protect her from what he perceived as his own inability to keep her safe. The whole scenario had a familiar ring to it, Inuyasha trapping her in the present for reasons that were either incredibly stupid or just plain wrong. That baka!
But she knew that her misreading of his feelings was entirely her own fault. She had been so wrapped up in her own despair that she hadn’t stopped to consider what Inuyasha was thinking. She subconsciously projected her own self-loathing onto him. And he had probably done the same thing, believing that she hated him when in fact nothing could be further from the truth. They were both giant bakas, plain and simple. Inuyasha needed to be forcefully relieved of his wayward assumptions; she would do for him what her mother had done for her. Striding purposefully over to the door, she shut it and started to pull off her pajamas, changing back into her feudal era clothes.
“What are you doing, Kagome?” her mother asked worriedly.
“Going back.”
“What?! Why?” she shouted with no small amount of panic.
“Because, Mama, we’ve been looking at this all wrong. Inuyasha didn’t leave because he blames me. He left because he blames himself!”
“Oh. I see,” Mrs. Higurashi replied, her memory of that night leaving little doubt as to the truth of her daughter’s words.
“That baka probably thought I would be safer without him,” Kagome growled. “He’s done this before!”
Her mother didn’t answer, content to watch her daughter briskly fasten the ties of her kosode. It was nice to see Kagome so passionate again, even in these circumstances. Mrs. Higurashi prayed that she would never again become as lifeless as she had been the past few days.
“So you’re going back to talk some sense into him?” she asked, thought it wasn’t really a question. Kagome paused, her eyes darting to her mother in trepidation.
“Please don’t try to stop me.”
Mrs. Higurashi swallowed hard. She wanted nothing more than to forbid her daughter from ever setting foot near the well again, but she held her tongue. For she knew that no matter how much love and attention their family gave Kagome, none of them could fill the gaping hole in her heart. Only Inuyasha could do that, and now that there was a possibility that this mess was “only” a horrible misunderstanding, she couldn’t deny them the chance to get back together. If she did, she would be denying Kagome her one chance at true happiness. And she couldn’t do that, no matter how much she feared that they were wrong, that Inuyasha would break her heart all over again, that perhaps she would never see her daughter again. She shook her head; if she thought like that, she would end up a nervous wreck. She had always had faith in her daughter, and she wouldn’t abandon that now.
“I won’t,” she finally said. Kagome’s shoulders slumped in relief, grateful that her mother understood. She was also aware of how difficult this must be for her. She walked over and hugged her tightly. Mrs. Higurashi held her close, sniffing as a few tears slipped down her cheeks.
“Thank you, Mama.”
“Come on,” Mrs. Higurashi said as she pulled away. “I’ll walk you to the well.” They made the short trek in silence, each afraid that if they said anything their private fears would take over and their shaky resolves would crumble. Kagome too was not entirely sure of Inuyasha’s reasons for leaving, and she was somewhat afraid of what she would find. It would be far easier to stay with her family. But she had to know if she and Inuyasha had a future together, and for that reason, she bade her mother a brief goodbye and leapt into the well. There remained one major problem, however, which she remembered upon landing at the bottom of the well and not passing through.
“Dammit!” she swore, slamming her fist into the dirt. She couldn’t go back to the past after all; she didn’t have a jewel shard. This was a situation where someone who knew her would expect her to break down and cry, but no tears were forthcoming. Only anger, white hot rage that boiled in her belly. How could the Kami be so cruel? Her fists shook with resentment, a vicious growl springing from her throat. She needed to hit something; her youkai side demanded it. Again and again she smashed the ground, wearing a hole into the earth at the bottom of the well. Her miko powers rose virtually unchecked around her, crackling dangerously as she immersed herself fully in her fury. The pain in her hands became a source of sick pleasure. All the while, her mother observed from above, a small part of her dying with every impact.
Kagome froze, staring down at her hand. Or rather, where her hand should have been; she couldn’t actually see it. Her fist was buried in the dirt, and yet, not buried. Her wrist was ringed by a soft blue glow, and she could feel nothing against the skin of her hand. Sure enough, she unfolded her fingers and found only a void, wriggling the digits freely as a triumphant grin materialized on her face. Focusing her miko powers, she shoved her entire arm in up to the elbow, then the other hand. The rest of her body was a hair’s width from submerging as well, but a strange voice stopped her.
“Halt, miko!”
She heard it with her mind rather than her ears, and it sounded disjointed, as if the words were formed by many voices speaking all at once. Nevertheless, she complied, ceasing her movements though not lowering her guard.
Wh-who are you?
“We are the spirits of the dead youkai that give this well its power. Be warned, miko; the path you now choose is a perilous one.”
What do you mean?
“You will be able to force your way through with spiritual strength, but only once. We cannot say what will happen to the well after that. You may find that no one may pass without the power of the Shikon no Tama, or you may not be able to pass at all. Consider your actions carefully, miko.”
With that, the foreign presence left her mind, and Kagome slumped against the inside of the structure. To think that her use of the well this time could destroy it as a time portal petrified her. But the alternative was to sit here and hope that Inuyasha came to his senses on his own, an unlikely result in any situation. That was unacceptable; she had to go back. But first, she had to talk to her mother. Climbing out of the well, she sat down on the edge and gathered her thoughts.
“What’s wrong, dear?” Mrs. Higurashi asked, “It looked like the well was about to let you through.”
“It was, but…it spoke to me. It said that if I go through now without a jewel shard, the well might never work again. I might…I might not be able to come back.” She stared at her toes, too afraid to look at her mother’s face. The older woman was silent for several moments, and when she spoke it was with a noticeable hitch in her throat.
“Go, Kagome.”
Her daughter’s head shot up, amazement splayed across her features, but also hope. Seeing that, Mrs. Higurashi knew she was making the right decision, no matter how difficult it was.
“Mama?”
“Go, Kagome,” she repeated. “Your home,” she paused, sniffling, “is with Inuyasha. You need him…and I think he needs you. Neither of you can truly live, unless you’re together.” She dried her cheeks, only to have fresh tears replace them. Kagome’s own eyes watered at the sight of her mother crying, and the two women embraced. They held each other tightly, each knowing that this might be the last time they ever saw one another. Neither could imagine a lifetime without the other, and they struggled to come to terms with the reality that such a thing was possible.
“I’m sorry, Mama,” Kagome whispered into her mother’s shoulder.
“Don’t be, dear,” the other cooed. “I am proud of the woman you have become.”
“I love you, Mama.”
“I love you too, my daughter.”
Finally, the two tearful women broke apart, doing their best to regain their composures. An awkward silence settled over the pair, heavy with remorse and dread. Mrs. Higurashi sensed her daughter’s hesitation, but there was no turning back now. The other half of her soul was five hundred years in the past.
“Follow your heart, Kagome. It will not lead you astray. And remember that your family will always love you.”
Kagome nodded, taking courage from the words. If things didn’t work out in the past, she would do her best to return to her family, the people she knew loved her, and always would. Then, calling upon her miko energy, she turned and leapt into the well. An azure glow briefly mixed with the pink, and then darkness descended upon the well house once more. Mrs. Higurashi slumped against the old wood, sobbing into her hands. She could only pray that Kagome would find Inuyasha, and the two of them would put their lives back together. And perhaps, if luck and the Kami were in their favor, she would see them again.
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Fault
Inuyasha knelt in the bottom of the well for a long time. He stared up at the stars, wondering why they seemed dimmed, muted, yet already knowing the answer. A dull ache centered in his chest for the same reason. He was almost surprised it wasn’t pitch black outside. But the radiance of the world would shine on, even if the light of his own life was gone. Oh, how tempting was the thought of returning to Kagome’s side, holding her in his arms and never letting go? His resolve would not allow it. His decision had not been easy, but he would not retreat from it. Lingering at the bottom of the well was just prolonging his torment.
Finally, he leapt out of the structure, treading slowly into the night without looking back. Goshinboku loomed above him, its presence cold and unwelcoming, even more foreboding than the last time he had banished Kagome to her own time. Thinking of that affair produced more doubt in his mind. He had been wrong to tell Kagome he couldn’t accept her as a hanyou to convince her to change back into a human. Could leaving her now be wrong as well? Were the situations really that different? In both cases, Kagome’s exile had resulted from his goal to protect her.
But no, this situation was completely different. Now, his own ineptitude and weakness provided the peril for his mate. Indirectly, he himself was the danger. This was a novel state of affairs, and he needed to respond accordingly, by actually following through on his chosen path and never seeing her again. It was his fault their child had been killed, and he would not put Kagome through any more danger or heartache. That was his decision.
The first droplets of rain descended from the skies, soon coming down in sheets. The wind buffeted him, tugging at his clothing and whipping his hair. It was as if nature itself was rebelling against him. Still he walked throughout the night, neither he nor the storm ceasing until daybreak.
* * *
Kagome woke to a muted but insistent pain in her chest. Her lungs were tight, inhibiting her breathing for a few seconds. And even when they relaxed, the subtle sensation of emptiness inside her torso remained. Something was wrong. Opening her eyes, she was surprised to see modern ceiling above her. Sure enough, a quick glance told her she was indeed in her room back home. But how could that be? Wasn’t she just in the feudal era? “Inuya—aaaaaah!” she cried as the simple action of attempting to sit up set her entire abdomen aflame. She gritted her teeth, a few tears escaping from the fierceness of the agony shooting through her body with every beat of her heart. Eventually, after several long moments of lying perfectly still, the pain subsided enough for her to inspect the damage. She gasped at the sight of her stomach, tinged a revolting shade of blue-black. It looked like she had been punched by the full force of a giant. Triggered by the view, her memories came back to her at that moment. She recalled seeing the beetle looming over Inuyasha again, her desperation to come to his rescue, and her shock when he was in fact completely unharmed. The insect spun almost too quickly for her to follow, and there was an impact. Then she blacked out.
None of that explained why Inuyasha brought her here instead of simply caring for her in the past. Her injury was excruciatingly painful, but it wasn’t life-threatening. And where the hell was he? Usually when she was wounded he wouldn’t let her out of his sight. Maybe her mother had managed to drag him away to put some food in his stomach. That was fine, but why on earth would Inuyasha bring her here in the first place? She generally tried to avoid letting her mother see her when she was hurt, at least physically. And they hadn’t been that close to the well, if she remembered correctly. So why go to the trouble of carrying her all that way? Had he done it out of kindness or concern, so she could recuperate in the greatest possible degree of comfort? That was plausible, but she still couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that the gesture wasn’t that simple, or innocent. Then again, Inuyasha had taken to pampering her more since she became pregn—
Kagome froze, a sudden chill settling in her gut as the possible significance of her injury’s location dawned on her. No… It couldn’t be; the baby was hanyou. It was strong enough to survive the blow, right? It had to be. Fortunately, she knew of a way to find out for sure. But she hesitated, not sure she wanted the answer. Finally, she closed her eyes and focused her miko powers inward, searching for the innocent presence of her child. It had been there ever since its conception, glowing brightly whenever she sought it out, as if rejoicing in the simple joy of life. Being able to sense her developing child was a cherished comfort for Kagome; she partook every night before surrendering to sleep. Now, no joyful presence appeared to comfort her, soothe her fears. There was nothing, only a hollow darkness that petrified her with its emptiness, made her feel that she was nothing more than a sunken husk of a person. She lay there in stunned silence for an interminable amount of time. She stared up at the ceiling, surprised when the expected tears never came. Perhaps reality hadn’t truly set in yet. Suddenly, the door creaked open, and she rolled over on her side quickly to glimpse the visitor.
“Inuyasha?” she inquired desperately, hoping he could tell her she was wrong, that the baby was fine, that this was all some sort of sick nightmare. Unfortunately, it was her mother’s form which greeted her instead, and Kagome could instantly tell from meeting the older woman’s miserable eyes that no such reassurances were forthcoming.
“Kagome,” she breathed, walking over to the bed and sitting down by her daughter’s side. She glanced away, unable to watch as the frantic hope in Kagome’s eyes was extinguished by her next words. “I’m sorry, but…he left.”
Her mother’s tone left no doubt as to the true meaning of her words. It was far worse than Kagome had originally feared. Not only had she lost their child, but Inuyasha, her love, her mate, was gone. He had…abandoned her. Her heart seemed to crumble in on itself, and the dam on her tears burst as torrents of liquid anguish poured forth. Mrs. Higurashi gathered the broken pieces of her daughter tightly in her arms, holding her long into the night until blessed unconsciousness finally ended Kagome’s torment, at least temporarily. In the morning, she would help her daughter clean up, and then she would begin the arduous process of trying to put her back together. But she knew those efforts would likely prove futile. There was only one person who could undo the damage done to her daughter, and he was apparently the only one too blind to see how much she needed him.
* * *
“Damn that hanyou! I always knew he was no good.” “Shh, Jii-chan! Kagome will hear you!” Souta hushed.
“Good! It’s something she needs to hear!”
“What she needs is for everyone to support her,” Mrs. Higurashi interrupted sternly, shooting her father a glare. The old man harrumphed and crossed his arms over his chest, mumbling about his granddaughter’s absent companion. Souta looked away, conflict written all over his face. And no wonder; his hero had done something so villainous that under normal circumstances it would be unforgivable. This situation was far from ordinary, but Mrs. Higurashi’s first instinct was to go upstairs and try to persuade Kagome to forget about Inuyasha and move on with her life. The hanyou would be relegated to the status of “he who shall not be named in this house,” both because of his offense and to avoid reminding Kagome of him. Yesterday she had been very close to actually going through with that plan.
But something bothered her, something about the way Inuyasha left the other night. What he said, the tone of his voice…her memory kept her from condemning him completely. Still, all the reservations from a year and a half of watching her daughter disappear into the past with a strange man—concerns that had been mostly buried until now—had reemerged and now cast a shadow over her whenever she thought of the hanyou. She had never believed him capable of something like this, abandoning a woman he supposedly loved after she had just lost his child. She knew he had lived a hard life; perhaps that made him incapable of loving someone as deeply as he needed to form a lasting relationship. Or maybe he was just a coward, so afraid to face his mate again that he would rather live the rest of his life alone. She frowned; she had never known Inuyasha to be cowardly or heartless. But on the other hand, she apparently didn’t know him nearly as well as she thought she did. And neither did Kagome. Sighing, Mrs. Higurashi tried to take her mind off Inuyasha, heading into the kitchen to make her daughter something to eat. She would get some food in Kagome’s stomach today if she had to shove it down her stubborn throat. She hoped it wouldn’t come to that.
* * *
The chirps and twitters of songbirds bled through the closed window, muffled but not silenced by the glass. The warbles seemed to call out to the room’s lone inhabitant, urging her to come outside and take comfort in the gorgeous, sunny day. Kagome intended to do nothing of the sort. It had been three full days since she last saw the sun. The shades were drawn, keeping her room in a state of perpetual gloom. She hadn’t left except to go to the bathroom. Lying on her bed and staring at the wall had become her favorite pastime, one she was currently engaged in. What was the point of doing anything else? At various times over the past few days, her family members had come in and attempted to cheer her up. While she didn’t ignore them, her dismal spirits simply refused to be raised. Her mother appeared periodically to offer food, but she never accepted. Neither Souta, her grandfather, nor even Buyo came in yesterday, so perhaps they had decided to give her time. A misguided effort; she felt that no matter how much time she was given, it would never be enough. That had been her attitude ever since the afternoon of the first day, when thoughts of going back to Inuyasha first sprang up in her mind. Perhaps he hadn’t abandoned her? Perhaps he was simply cooling off, dealing with his grief in his own way in the feudal era? That idea was brutally struck down by her realization that she could no longer sense any portion of the Shikon no Tama. He had taken it from her, knowingly sealing her in her own time. Was it any surprise that yet another crying fit gripped her for the rest of the day? Then something snapped inside her, and her tears dried. She had not shed another since. It was almost like her heart was so beaten down that it lacked the strength to form tears, feel sadness, feel anything.
She wanted to hate Inuyasha for rendering her so empty inside, but how could she? Yesterday she had come to terms with the fact that she still loved him, even if he now hated her. And besides, how could she blame him for hating her when she despised herself? Footsteps sounded in the hallway and her mother’s scent drifted through the opening door. Kagome curled further into herself; she was growing tired of this, weary of everything.
“Kagome, please eat something,” her mother pleaded, but the miko made no reply. Mrs. Higurashi clenched her fist, trying to reign in her frustration, but she was unable to keep her voice level. “Please, Kagome! You have to eat! I can’t watch you waste away to nothing!”
For a moment Kagome remained motionless, then she rolled over, unable to ignore the worry in her mother’s voice. Her expression softened at the tears gathering in the older woman’s eyes, and finally she sighed. Sitting up, she motioned for the tray, which Mrs. Higurashi eagerly set in her lap. Kagome tentatively stirred the contents of the bowl, toying with the oden, her favorite dish. Her mother really wanted her to eat something. Glancing once more at the other woman’s hopeful face, she sighed again and reluctantly stuck a bite in her mouth. Her eyes nearly bugged out of her skull; not until that very moment did she realize how hungry she was. She wolfed down the rest of the oden in truly Inuyasha-esque fashion, though fortunately that observation did not occur to her. Her stomach growled like some sort of predator, too ravenous after its long hibernation to be satisfied with just one meal.
“Would you like some more, dear?” Mrs. Higurashi posed happily, smiling for the first time in four days. Kagome frowned; she did want more, but on the other hand eating too much and getting sick would only add to her misery. She shook her head, and her mother chose not to press the issue, satisfied that her daughter wasn’t going to starve herself to death. The next step was getting her to leave her room for something other than the toilet.
“Why don’t you come downstairs? We could go outside and sit under Goshinboku, or you could watch TV for awhile, or…” she trailed off, her cautious optimism sinking as Kagome set the tray down on the bed and rolled over to face the wall again. While the miko had decided that she wouldn’t kill herself, asking anything more than that was too demanding. For her part, Mrs. Higurashi did not take the rejection well. Maybe it was because she no longer had to worry about her daughter’s refusal to eat, but she found herself becoming infuriated by Kagome’s attitude. If she was just going to sit up here every day by herself, then she might as well be dead! As harsh as that sounded, it was completely true. And Mrs. Higurashi wasn’t going to abandon her daughter to such a fate without a fight.
“That’s it!” she yelled, picking up the tray and hurling it across the room. It clattered against the bureau, the dishware shattering on the floor. Kagome nearly jumped out of her skin, turning to face her enraged mother with wide, frightened eyes.
“You are coming downstairs right now, young lady! I’m not going to let you seal yourself in your room anymore!”
Kagome gulped in shock. She couldn’t remember the last time her mother had spoken to her like that, and she didn’t appreciate it. Given her mood, she wasn’t inclined to just follow orders that easily. Squaring her shoulders, she set her jaw and prepared for a melee.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
Mrs. Higurashi stared red-faced at her daughter, looking like steam would come shooting out her ears at any moment. Finally, after neither woman backed down from the staring contest, she wrenched herself away, pacing a few steps toward the door. She stopped, rubbing her temples in an effort to control her temper. Kagome had been through a rough time, and yelling at her wasn’t the best way to go about this. The legendary Higurashi stubbornness ran thick in her daughter’s blood, and needed to be appeased. Taking a deep breath, Mrs. Higurashi plunked herself down in Kagome’s desk chair.
“Kagome, please, do you have any idea how much it hurts to see you torture yourself up here every minute of every day?”
Kagome slumped, all the fight leaving her. It was bad enough that she was miserable, but she never intended to cause her family any pain. But leaving her room just seemed so…useless. What was there to accomplish? What reason did she have for getting out of bed? She couldn’t come up with one that would outweigh her natural desire to simply remain in her room and self-loathe.
“But what’s the point, Mama?” she whined, hoping the older woman would just leave her alone.
“The point, Kagome, is that there’s more than one person in your world who cares about you. Souta and your grandfather are worried sick, and so am I. You used to be such a happy girl, and you brought joy to our lives, even though we haven’t seen you that much since you started traveling with Inu—your friends in the past,” she amended, cursing herself for the slip. Kagome didn’t miss it, judging by her wince.
“Now,” Mrs. Higurashi continued, “it’s hard for us not to feel as miserable as you do. You have a long life ahead of you, Kagome. Can you even imagine how gloomy it will be if you don’t let any light in?” she asked, not only referring to the closed shades over the window. “I don’t expect you to go back to your old self overnight. I’m only asking you to try, even if it’s just a little bit, and let us show you that we still love you and you still have a lot to live for.”
There was a lengthy pause as Kagome considered her mother’s words in silence. She hadn’t been able to come up with a reason to get out of bed, but her mama had just supplied her with one. She loved her family deeply, and that was enough of an incentive to try.
“I guess I could come down and watch TV,” she mumbled, swinging her legs over the side of the bed.
“That’s the spirit!” Mrs. Higurashi declared, standing and offering her daughter a hand. “Need me to carry you? Have your legs atrophied?”
“I can walk, Mama,” Kagome replied, a slight chuckle escaping her. Mrs. Higurashi grinned; her joke had succeeded in lightening the mood. But Kagome made no move to stand; she continued to sit on her bed frowning and staring off into space. It appeared she still had something to say, and Mrs. Higurashi waited patiently for her to find the words.
“I hope you don’t expect me to…forget about him. I can’t. I just can’t!” she cried, closing her eyes tightly and bracing herself for the argument she clearly thought was coming. Her mother sighed, sitting down by her side and wrapping her arm around her shoulders.
“I know that, sweetheart. Part of me wants you to, but I know you can’t. It would be like asking me to forget your father. You never stop thinking about the people you love…” she trailed off, momentarily lost in her own thoughts. She thought of her late husband, then her mind drifted back to Inuyasha’s departure a few nights ago. “And he’ll never forget about you, either,” she muttered at a level that a human wouldn’t be able to make out.
“Wh-what makes you say that?” Kagome inquired, startling the older woman. For a critical moment, she had forgotten about her daughter’s hanyou ears. But she couldn’t take it back; and besides, it was something Kagome needed to hear.
“I…I saw him leave the other night.”
“What?! Did he say anything?!”
“All he said was ‘take care of her.’”
“That’s something he should be doing,” Kagome stated, drawing her knees up to her chest as she felt fresh tears gather in her eyes. “We were supposed to be together forever, Mama.”
“I know, dear,” she soothed, pulling her daughter closer so her head rested on her shoulder. Kagome sniffled, obviously trying to control herself. She probably felt she had done enough crying lately. “Maybe…maybe you still can be.”
“Mama?”
Mrs. Higurashi growled in frustration, surprising Kagome even further. Then she stood and began pacing back and forth across the room, as if she was having an internal argument with herself. Finally she stopped and turned to face her daughter.
“You know, it absolutely kills me to say that. I want to tell you to forget about him and move on with your life. I want to condemn him to the fiery depths of hell. I want to hate him for this! Any good mother in my position would! But I saw him the other night. He looked so…defeated is the only way I can describe it. And I thought I knew Inuyasha; I loved him as a son. Even now, part of me tries to defend him, telling me that he had to have had a good reason for leaving. And then I wonder what the hell is wrong with me! He left my only daughter after she had a miscarriage, and I’m trying to rationalize it?! I—”
“Stop, Mama!” Kagome yelled, standing and putting her hand on her mother’s shoulder. The roles of comforter and comforted had been reversed for the time being, as the older woman struggled to hold back her own tears. “I’m confused too,” Kagome confessed, “but I know why he left. He blames me for losing our child.”
“But how can he? You were together when it happened, weren’t you?”
“Yes, we were. He told me to stay back, and I didn’t listen. I tried to help him.”
“But that doesn’t make sense! Couples are supposed to protect each other, so it’s partly his fault as well!”
“I don’t—” Kagome began to reply before cutting herself off. Wait…wait just a minute! Her mind slowed to a crawl as her mother’s words sunk in. He looked so defeated. He said “take care of her.” Maybe he didn’t leave because he blamed me. Maybe…oh, no, he couldn’t possibly… And yet, even as she tried to convince herself otherwise, she now knew that she had him pegged all wrong. Everything her mother said made sense now. Of course he would blame himself! How could she have been stupid enough to think otherwise? And of course he would leave her in her time, cavalierly trying to protect her from what he perceived as his own inability to keep her safe. The whole scenario had a familiar ring to it, Inuyasha trapping her in the present for reasons that were either incredibly stupid or just plain wrong. That baka!
But she knew that her misreading of his feelings was entirely her own fault. She had been so wrapped up in her own despair that she hadn’t stopped to consider what Inuyasha was thinking. She subconsciously projected her own self-loathing onto him. And he had probably done the same thing, believing that she hated him when in fact nothing could be further from the truth. They were both giant bakas, plain and simple. Inuyasha needed to be forcefully relieved of his wayward assumptions; she would do for him what her mother had done for her. Striding purposefully over to the door, she shut it and started to pull off her pajamas, changing back into her feudal era clothes.
“What are you doing, Kagome?” her mother asked worriedly.
“Going back.”
“What?! Why?” she shouted with no small amount of panic.
“Because, Mama, we’ve been looking at this all wrong. Inuyasha didn’t leave because he blames me. He left because he blames himself!”
“Oh. I see,” Mrs. Higurashi replied, her memory of that night leaving little doubt as to the truth of her daughter’s words.
“That baka probably thought I would be safer without him,” Kagome growled. “He’s done this before!”
Her mother didn’t answer, content to watch her daughter briskly fasten the ties of her kosode. It was nice to see Kagome so passionate again, even in these circumstances. Mrs. Higurashi prayed that she would never again become as lifeless as she had been the past few days.
“So you’re going back to talk some sense into him?” she asked, thought it wasn’t really a question. Kagome paused, her eyes darting to her mother in trepidation.
“Please don’t try to stop me.”
Mrs. Higurashi swallowed hard. She wanted nothing more than to forbid her daughter from ever setting foot near the well again, but she held her tongue. For she knew that no matter how much love and attention their family gave Kagome, none of them could fill the gaping hole in her heart. Only Inuyasha could do that, and now that there was a possibility that this mess was “only” a horrible misunderstanding, she couldn’t deny them the chance to get back together. If she did, she would be denying Kagome her one chance at true happiness. And she couldn’t do that, no matter how much she feared that they were wrong, that Inuyasha would break her heart all over again, that perhaps she would never see her daughter again. She shook her head; if she thought like that, she would end up a nervous wreck. She had always had faith in her daughter, and she wouldn’t abandon that now.
“I won’t,” she finally said. Kagome’s shoulders slumped in relief, grateful that her mother understood. She was also aware of how difficult this must be for her. She walked over and hugged her tightly. Mrs. Higurashi held her close, sniffing as a few tears slipped down her cheeks.
“Thank you, Mama.”
“Come on,” Mrs. Higurashi said as she pulled away. “I’ll walk you to the well.” They made the short trek in silence, each afraid that if they said anything their private fears would take over and their shaky resolves would crumble. Kagome too was not entirely sure of Inuyasha’s reasons for leaving, and she was somewhat afraid of what she would find. It would be far easier to stay with her family. But she had to know if she and Inuyasha had a future together, and for that reason, she bade her mother a brief goodbye and leapt into the well. There remained one major problem, however, which she remembered upon landing at the bottom of the well and not passing through.
“Dammit!” she swore, slamming her fist into the dirt. She couldn’t go back to the past after all; she didn’t have a jewel shard. This was a situation where someone who knew her would expect her to break down and cry, but no tears were forthcoming. Only anger, white hot rage that boiled in her belly. How could the Kami be so cruel? Her fists shook with resentment, a vicious growl springing from her throat. She needed to hit something; her youkai side demanded it. Again and again she smashed the ground, wearing a hole into the earth at the bottom of the well. Her miko powers rose virtually unchecked around her, crackling dangerously as she immersed herself fully in her fury. The pain in her hands became a source of sick pleasure. All the while, her mother observed from above, a small part of her dying with every impact.
Kagome froze, staring down at her hand. Or rather, where her hand should have been; she couldn’t actually see it. Her fist was buried in the dirt, and yet, not buried. Her wrist was ringed by a soft blue glow, and she could feel nothing against the skin of her hand. Sure enough, she unfolded her fingers and found only a void, wriggling the digits freely as a triumphant grin materialized on her face. Focusing her miko powers, she shoved her entire arm in up to the elbow, then the other hand. The rest of her body was a hair’s width from submerging as well, but a strange voice stopped her.
“Halt, miko!”
She heard it with her mind rather than her ears, and it sounded disjointed, as if the words were formed by many voices speaking all at once. Nevertheless, she complied, ceasing her movements though not lowering her guard.
Wh-who are you?
“We are the spirits of the dead youkai that give this well its power. Be warned, miko; the path you now choose is a perilous one.”
What do you mean?
“You will be able to force your way through with spiritual strength, but only once. We cannot say what will happen to the well after that. You may find that no one may pass without the power of the Shikon no Tama, or you may not be able to pass at all. Consider your actions carefully, miko.”
With that, the foreign presence left her mind, and Kagome slumped against the inside of the structure. To think that her use of the well this time could destroy it as a time portal petrified her. But the alternative was to sit here and hope that Inuyasha came to his senses on his own, an unlikely result in any situation. That was unacceptable; she had to go back. But first, she had to talk to her mother. Climbing out of the well, she sat down on the edge and gathered her thoughts.
“What’s wrong, dear?” Mrs. Higurashi asked, “It looked like the well was about to let you through.”
“It was, but…it spoke to me. It said that if I go through now without a jewel shard, the well might never work again. I might…I might not be able to come back.” She stared at her toes, too afraid to look at her mother’s face. The older woman was silent for several moments, and when she spoke it was with a noticeable hitch in her throat.
“Go, Kagome.”
Her daughter’s head shot up, amazement splayed across her features, but also hope. Seeing that, Mrs. Higurashi knew she was making the right decision, no matter how difficult it was.
“Mama?”
“Go, Kagome,” she repeated. “Your home,” she paused, sniffling, “is with Inuyasha. You need him…and I think he needs you. Neither of you can truly live, unless you’re together.” She dried her cheeks, only to have fresh tears replace them. Kagome’s own eyes watered at the sight of her mother crying, and the two women embraced. They held each other tightly, each knowing that this might be the last time they ever saw one another. Neither could imagine a lifetime without the other, and they struggled to come to terms with the reality that such a thing was possible.
“I’m sorry, Mama,” Kagome whispered into her mother’s shoulder.
“Don’t be, dear,” the other cooed. “I am proud of the woman you have become.”
“I love you, Mama.”
“I love you too, my daughter.”
Finally, the two tearful women broke apart, doing their best to regain their composures. An awkward silence settled over the pair, heavy with remorse and dread. Mrs. Higurashi sensed her daughter’s hesitation, but there was no turning back now. The other half of her soul was five hundred years in the past.
“Follow your heart, Kagome. It will not lead you astray. And remember that your family will always love you.”
Kagome nodded, taking courage from the words. If things didn’t work out in the past, she would do her best to return to her family, the people she knew loved her, and always would. Then, calling upon her miko energy, she turned and leapt into the well. An azure glow briefly mixed with the pink, and then darkness descended upon the well house once more. Mrs. Higurashi slumped against the old wood, sobbing into her hands. She could only pray that Kagome would find Inuyasha, and the two of them would put their lives back together. And perhaps, if luck and the Kami were in their favor, she would see them again.
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