InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Metamorphosis ❯ Coming Together, Drifting Apart ( Chapter 42 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: King Baka 
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Suspense / Romance / Hentai / Adventure | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 01.27.2010 | Updated On: 02.06.2011 | Pages: 2 | Words: 4.9K | Visits: 2.9K | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Suspense / Romance / Hentai / Adventure | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 01.27.2010 | Updated On: 02.06.2011 | Pages: 2 | Words: 4.9K | Visits: 2.9K | Status: Completed
Disclaimer: I don’t own Inuyasha or any of the publicly known characters, plot, etc. I’m just renting them from Rumiko Takahashi, Viz, etc. I do own the plot of this story and any original characters I’ve created. I will make no money from this fic; I write for my own enjoyment and the enjoyment of my readers.
Coming Together, Drifting Apart
Inuyasha kept his eyes closed until he could no longer hear Kagome’s soft, sometimes stumbling footfalls. He just couldn’t bear to watch her walk away. It had nothing to do with holding back tears. He slumped against a tree, almost wishing the rough bark would swallow him. At least then it wouldn’t hurt so much, the knowledge that he had compounded his utter failures yet again. Kagome had been almost ready to forgive him—he had seen it in her eyes—and he blew it. He had wounded her again, perhaps irreparably this time, by going to Kikyou, his former love, the only woman who to this day could make Kagome insecure about their relationship. And what had it gained him? More misery, and yet another blow to Kagome’s already fragile heart. Why? Why did I go see Kikyou?!
He frowned. He knew why—because he couldn’t collect or purify the Shikon no Tama by himself. It wasn’t because he wanted to return to Kikyou’s side, or loved Kagome any less. He grimaced as he thought of his offer to join the dead miko in hell. And Kagome doesn’t even know about that yet. Yep, he was screwed. It would be a miracle if his mate ever spoke to him again. For that matter, what did Kagome think about this? What was going through her mind right now? It was an interesting question, and the possible answers made Inuyasha cringe. She probably thinks I ran back to Kikyou because I still love her and want to be with her. But that’s not true! I only offered to go to hell with Kikyou because the alternative was living without ever seeing Kagome again, and I couldn’t handle it.
Now the question became what to do about it. He had gotten himself into this mess by being too cowardly to face Kagome when he really needed to. He had fled instead of talking to her, begging her forgiveness, and comforting her as he should have. He was not about to make the same mistake again. Kikyou’s words came back to him. “Saying you love someone is not enough! You must prove it through your actions!” This time he would heed that advice. He would go to his grieving mate now, explain himself, and plead for her forgiveness. Whether he received it or not, he would do whatever she asked of him, in the hope that someday she would welcome him back into her heart.
Resolved, Inuyasha sprinted into the forest, following Kagome’s scent trail.
That was because the very idea was ridiculous, wasn’t it? She would have thought so before tonight. He fled because of his guilt and fear. His feelings for her hadn’t changed; his eyes told her as much. So then why had his expression contained so much shame when he confessed to meeting Kikyou? She already knew one reason—the dead miko now had the jewel shards. But under what circumstances did she come to possess them? Did Inuyasha give them to her or did Kikyou have to persuade him? Did it matter? Probably not, she mused. Relinquishing possession of the jewel shards did not explain his guilty demeanor a few minutes ago. When they finally became lovers, she never expected Inuyasha to stop seeing Kikyou altogether, and he knew it. She was an important part of his life, and Kagome understood that. So just meeting Kikyou did not explain his remorse either; there must be something more to it. She shuddered to think what that might be. Whatever it was, she knew she wasn’t going to like it.
But what was Inuyasha hiding? Had he and Kikyou kissed? Or in a moment of weakness had they done something more? Kagome shook her head violently. She knew Inuyasha had betrayed her trust in some way, but she was almost certain he hadn’t had sex with Kikyou. Still, it was within the realm of possibility, and that scared her. Part of her wanted to storm back and demand a straight answer out of him, but the more influential part at the moment was still reacting to the betrayal. So she continued to walk deeper into the woods, putting more distance between herself and the man she loved. The most infuriating part was that no matter what he did, that simple fact would never change. Forgiveness, however, was another thing entirely. She knew she would have to face him eventually, but right now she just wanted to be alone.
“Ah!” she cried as a particularly devious tree root caught her ankle and sent her sprawling face-first into an unfortunately placed mud puddle. She picked her head up, sputtering as she tried to wipe the sludge from her lips and eyes. Her hands were covered in muck as well, so she only succeeded in making it worse. Her frustration rapidly turned to anger at the man who had caused her to be in this position in the first place.
“Damn you, Inuyasha!” she yelled into the night. Then she laid her head on her folded arms, physically and emotionally drained. She was tired, plain and simple. And with no more resolve to hold them back, she finally allowed her persistent tears to fall.
“Who’s there?” she asked, sitting up and turning to face him, though it was clear from her darting eyes that she couldn’t see him in the shadowy darkness. Her entire front was covered in black sludge, including her beautiful face. Her brown eyes nearly matched the color, startled but containing no fear. Already her hands glowed a faint pink, the mud doing little to conceal her miko power. It was time to make himself known.
“It’s just me, Kagome,” he said quietly. Her eyes showed relief for a moment, but then they hardened with hurt and betrayal.
“What do you want?” she grouched, folding her arms across her chest. Inuyasha grimaced, but said nothing. “Just…leave me alone, okay?” she muttered, more gently this time.
Inuyasha didn’t reply, and for a moment Kagome thought he had really left. That is, until strong arms scooped her up bridal style and carried her off in some unknown direction.
“Wh-what are you doing?!” she exclaimed, outraged by his boldness. “Let me go!”
“Shut up, Kagome! Let me take care of you.”
Kagome’s reply died on her lips as she heard the desperation in his tone. Sighing, she caved, squirming to get more comfortable in his hold. He shifted her closer to his chest, and she leaned her head against him. Closing her eyes, she could almost imagine that this was happening under more pleasant circumstances. She buried her wistful smile as soon as it appeared; memories of happier times had no place in her life right now.
Finally they came to a small forest stream, barely two feet wide but sufficient for their purposes. Inuyasha set her down, and she was leaning toward the water when his hands clasped her shoulders and pulled until she was lying on her back with her head in his lap. I guess he doesn’t intend to let me clean myself. She shrugged mentally; if Inuyasha wanted to pamper her, she wasn’t about to stop him. It was the least he could do, considering that he was the reason she was covered in mud in the first place. With that in mind, she tried not to enjoy the tender caress of his fingers as he washed first one hand then the other. It was a futile effort; she loved it when he touched her like this, even if there was nothing sexual behind it. She studied him as he frowned in concentration, so careful of his claws. His countenance no longer reflected guilt, though she could tell it was still there. Instead he appeared anxious, and she knew why; he had something to tell her. She closed her eyes and sighed, wishing to put that moment off for as long as possible. She almost wished she had never found out about his meeting with Kikyou.
Kagome gasped at the sensation of cool water sprinkling on her face, relaxing at the feel of the liquid running down her cheeks. Inuyasha continued to gently pour handfuls of water on her, and she nearly moaned at the soft caress of his hands massaging the dirt away. She could not prevent the small smile that snuck past her defenses and onto her lips. She allowed herself to be lulled close to blissful sleep, only rousing when the enchanting hand stopped moving and held its place on her cheek. She blinked her eyes open, gazing dazedly into those captivating golden orbs for a moment before reality crashed down upon her. She sat up quickly, scooting a few feet away, knowing the distance would help her regain her composure. Glancing over her shoulder, she saw him gazing at her longingly, and she turned away. Finally, she took a deep breath and spun to face him. He hadn’t budged since sitting down in that spot, and the only difference in his appearance was the rough, brown, semicircular stain on his pants where the mud from her face had washed onto. She felt a tiny twinge of guilt at the sight, but quickly dismissed it as ridiculous. There were much bigger things to worry about now than dirty clothes. Eventually she could take the silence no longer.
“Inuyasha…what happened with Kikyou?”
“I’ll tell you, but please, listen to everything I have to say before running away again.”
“Just tell me,” she demanded, unwilling to give any such guarantee. Inuyasha stared at her for a long moment, apparently deciding to proceed without it. He hesitated to gather his courage, then spoke.
“When I came back through the well, I knew I had to finish our mission to complete and purify the Shikon no Tama. I couldn’t let anyone like Naraku get a hold of it again. A few shards came my way because of weak youkai who were attracted to the chunk we gathered. But I knew I would never find them all that way. I needed someone who could sense the shards, and the only person I knew of besides you who can do that is Kikyou. I couldn’t keep them pure either. They were becoming more tainted every day. Then I ran into Kikyou, and she agreed to take the shards off my hands. I told her we could complete the jewel together, and then…and then I offered to join her in hell.”
Kagome bit her tongue to keep from making a sound. Her leg muscles were tensing to bring her to her feet when Inuyasha continued.
“It’s not what you think,” he hastened to add. “I…I couldn’t handle living without you. You weren’t even going to be born for another five hundred years! I couldn’t imagine living without you for a few years, let alone centuries. That’s the only reason I wanted to go to hell with Kikyou, and she knew it. She told me off, ordered me to go back to you. I almost did, too. But I thought I was protecting you by leaving you in your time. I know better now, but back then that thought was the only thing that kept me away. I also know that what I said to Kikyou was stupid, but I was looking for a way out of a long, lonely life. It wasn’t because my feelings for you had changed. I…I really do love you, Kagome. I hope you can forgive me,” he said, breaking eye contact and staring at the ground.
Kagome gazed at him blankly, her mind a frenzy of activity. Understanding slowly took the place of some of the hurt and betrayal, taking the edge off the pain without eliminating it completely. What would she have done in his situation, faced with the possibility of a lifespan of several hundred years without him? Well, until her mother ‘talked’ her out of it, she had spent three or four days lying in bed, refusing to go outside or even eat. So she knew full well the daunting prospect Inuyasha had faced. The difference was that the only escape for her was taking her own life, which she was unwilling to do for several reasons, not the least of which was her family. But Inuyasha had another way out, didn’t he? One that would allow him to die and to fulfill an old obligation in the process. Granted, Kikyou had released him from any such promise, but if he wasn’t going to live in the village with their friends, then what did Inuyasha have to live for?
Still, he had betrayed her, and it stung. Beyond the mere intimacy of the act of going to hell with Kikyou, if he did so, then it would probably destroy the possibility of them meeting in the afterlife. To her, being mated meant they were promised to each other for this life and the next. Though they had never talked about it, she had previously thought that Inuyasha shared that view. His offer to join Kikyou in hell seemed to disprove that assumption. But there was an explanation even for this nuance of the act. He probably thought I hated him for abandoning me, so why would my soul want to see his anyway? Kagome felt frustration bubble within her; a small part of her wanted to hate him for this. How could he ask her to forgive him so easily? She believed him about everything, and in a way that made it much more difficult. Because even though his feelings for her hadn’t changed, he had still abandoned her forever and proposed to die for the woman he used to love. When she thought about it like that, her anger nearly made her refuse his request. But she so wanted to pull their relationship back together, to live with him as before. And if she couldn’t forgive him for his transgressions and stupidity, then how could they ever move on with their lives?
“I can,” she finally whispered, her uncertainty causing a noticeable hitch in her voice. Inuyasha’s heart stopped; he barely even breathed as his eyes frantically searched Kagome’s face for any sign of untruthfulness. He saw no evidence of a lie, but there was doubt in her gaze, and it gave him pause. She was trying to forgive him, but was having trouble doing so. He didn’t blame her; he was simply ecstatic she was willing to try in the first place. It meant he had a chance to make things right again. Slowly, tentatively, he reached out and took her hand in his own, clutching it firmly as she flipped her hand over and reciprocated the gesture. They stared at each other for a long moment, expressions unreadable. Finally, a spark seemed to pass between them, and they lunged forward at once, each enfolding the other in a tight embrace. The next few minutes passed without comment as they silently renewed bonds, each taking comfort from the presence of the other, despite dark emotions lurking in the shadows.
Tears streamed slowly down Inuyasha’s cheeks; for him, this was a special moment. Kagome had weeks to prepare herself for seeing him again, but the suddenness of her appearance was finally catching up to him. Less than half a day ago, he had thought he would never see her again. Now he was holding her in his arms. He had his Kagome back. He was under no illusions that she didn’t still harbor some resentment toward him; she had ever right to. But if their love was as strong as he knew it to be, then they would get through this.
Finally they pulled away, each feeling tentative happiness curl their lips in small smiles. Suddenly Kagome heaved a cavernous yawn. Recovered, she blinked tiredly, the stress and lateness of the evening finally catching up with her human body. Inuyasha pulled her to sit in his lap, and Kagome settled easily against his chest, too exhausted to feel uncomfortable with the arrangements.
“Go to sleep, Kagome,” he ordered, the words sounding strange because of his painfully dry mouth.
“Mmmm…g’night,” she mumbled. He didn’t reply, and within minutes her breathing had slowed and evened out, signifying her slumber. Inuyasha stayed awake long into the night, watching over her and trying to convince himself this wasn’t a dream.
It was much later in the morning, close to noon in fact, when Kagome finally stirred. Inuyasha had slipped into a light doze, and opened his eyes to find her yawning and gazing groggily around in confusion for a moment. Then her recollection of the evening returned, and she glanced up at him. She scrambled out of his lap and he let her go. They stared at each other, and Kagome let out a nervous chuckle, thoroughly embarrassed by her reaction to their proximity. Where the hell did that come from? I had no problem falling asleep on top of him last night. But then again, she probably could have slipped into slumber in the middle of an earthquake last night. Damn, I slept really late. I guess I needed it.
“Thank you,” she choked out suddenly, “for letting me sleep.”
“Y-you’re welcome,” Inuyasha replied, almost startled that one of them had broken the silence. Kagome grimaced as she tried to stand, feeling the effects of sleeping in a curled up position all night. Kneeling, she raised her hands above her head and arched her back, extending cramped and stubborn muscles. Inuyasha observed her lithe form with some interest. Even as a human, she still stretches like a cat. He looked away; the last thing he wanted to do right now was ogle her. Not that anything sexual had crossed his mind, but that was no surprise considering the difficulties they were going through. She was still beautiful in his eyes, even though his body wasn’t currently reacting to her. He was sure his libido would return eventually. Still, it was a little disconcerting. Glancing up when he heard her rise, he noticed something he had forgotten about.
“Kagome.” “Inuyasha.”
Uncomfortable smiles followed their simultaneous utterances.
“What is it, Kagome?”
“No, you first.”
“Uh, I was just gonna suggest you go wash your clothes in the stream.”
“Oh, that’s what I was going to say too!” she exclaimed, laughing again. Inuyasha flinched at the sound, forced and anxious. “You should clean off your hakama. Sorry I got dirt on it.”
“Don’t worry about it. My fault.”
“Okay…so, I’m gonna go!” Kagome declared, dashing off toward the stream. Inuyasha breathed a sigh of relief when she was gone. Where had this unbearable tension between them come from? Faint splashing snapped him out of his musings, and he started walking toward the stream—a good distance upstream from Kagome. For whatever reason, he didn’t particularly want to see her sans clothing right now. He removed and washed his hakama, then decided his haori could use a wash too, since some of Kagome’s mud had rubbed off on it during the night. Some dirt had gotten through the slits onto his kosode, so he removed that as well. He was just shrugging his haori back on, both of his tops still hanging open, when a faint rustle caused him to turn to his right.
Kagome was about to apologize for startling him when she caught sight of his muscular torso through the opening in his tops. She stared, more out of surprise than anything else. There was no familiar spark, no wave of attraction, no temptation to reach out and touch that gleaming skin. It was worrisome, but not surprising how disturbingly easy it was for her to look away. Finally she heard Inuyasha tying his robes and moving up the bank toward her. The male hanyou surreptitiously sampled her scent, both troubled and relieved to find it as muddled as his own. At least he wasn’t the only one feeling strange this morning.
“Do you wanna go back to the village?” he asked.
“Oh…yeah.”
He nodded, using the position of the sun to gauge the approximate direction, then set off at a pace his human mate would have no problem keeping. It occurred to him that it would be much faster if he carried her, but he wasn’t about to offer his back, not with how the morning had gone. Unbeknownst to either party, Kagome felt the same way, relieved that Inuyasha didn’t ask her if she wanted a ride. And more than a little frightened that she felt that way. She followed a few feet behind the hanyou, content to let him lead as he probably knew where he was going better than she did. As morning slowly passed into afternoon, she tried to rationalize the sudden awkwardness between them. Their relationship had been through several major trials; lingering guilt and abandonment issues still hung in the air. On top of that, they had lost a child. In the excitement of the past couple weeks, it had been easy to forget that fact, but now it was all she could think about. Was it any surprise that it would take time for them to recover? She prayed time was all they needed.
Around mid-afternoon, her body suddenly erupted in tingling, signaling the long-awaited return of her youkai side. Kagome smiled sincerely for the first time all day, enjoying her heightened senses. Though they no longer seemed heightened; instead, her human senses—if you could call them that—seemed pathetically dulled. She had truly adapted to her new body. Glancing over at Inuyasha, she spied him grinning at her. He was glad she had changed back as well. For a moment she considered grabbing his hand and walking beside him, but decided against it. It was far easier to maintain the imperceptible distance than to try to close it.
Neither spoke until the evening, and by then the silence was starting to wear on them both. They were concerned about the uneasy turn of their relationship, but neither knew how to fix it. Leaving it—and each other—alone seemed to be the only option. They hoped that the proverb “time heals all wounds” was true. As dusk approached, they stopped and Kagome set up a small fire. Inuyasha caught a squirrel; the meal was barely enough to take the edge off their hunger, but neither of them complained. Perhaps they would have gone to bed without a word, but the small matter of sleeping arrangements needed to be decided. They delayed talking about it for as long as they could, each staring into the fire rather than speaking to the other. Finally, Inuyasha rose to his feet and cleared his throat.
“I should sleep in the tree. There’re only two sets of ears and noses, so it would be risky to let our guard down,” he said in a flat monotone, as if he had been rehearsing the statement for some time.
“Okay,” Kagome replied, settling down by the fire as Inuyasha leapt into a low-hanging branch. She resumed gazing into the flames, but not really seeing them. Inuyasha’s reasoning made perfect sense, but she knew the real reason he didn’t want to sleep by her side. She knew because she felt the same hesitation in that regard. Far from being upset, she was relieved at the new sleeping arrangements. And that was perhaps the most frightening thing of all.
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Coming Together, Drifting Apart
Inuyasha kept his eyes closed until he could no longer hear Kagome’s soft, sometimes stumbling footfalls. He just couldn’t bear to watch her walk away. It had nothing to do with holding back tears. He slumped against a tree, almost wishing the rough bark would swallow him. At least then it wouldn’t hurt so much, the knowledge that he had compounded his utter failures yet again. Kagome had been almost ready to forgive him—he had seen it in her eyes—and he blew it. He had wounded her again, perhaps irreparably this time, by going to Kikyou, his former love, the only woman who to this day could make Kagome insecure about their relationship. And what had it gained him? More misery, and yet another blow to Kagome’s already fragile heart. Why? Why did I go see Kikyou?!
He frowned. He knew why—because he couldn’t collect or purify the Shikon no Tama by himself. It wasn’t because he wanted to return to Kikyou’s side, or loved Kagome any less. He grimaced as he thought of his offer to join the dead miko in hell. And Kagome doesn’t even know about that yet. Yep, he was screwed. It would be a miracle if his mate ever spoke to him again. For that matter, what did Kagome think about this? What was going through her mind right now? It was an interesting question, and the possible answers made Inuyasha cringe. She probably thinks I ran back to Kikyou because I still love her and want to be with her. But that’s not true! I only offered to go to hell with Kikyou because the alternative was living without ever seeing Kagome again, and I couldn’t handle it.
Now the question became what to do about it. He had gotten himself into this mess by being too cowardly to face Kagome when he really needed to. He had fled instead of talking to her, begging her forgiveness, and comforting her as he should have. He was not about to make the same mistake again. Kikyou’s words came back to him. “Saying you love someone is not enough! You must prove it through your actions!” This time he would heed that advice. He would go to his grieving mate now, explain himself, and plead for her forgiveness. Whether he received it or not, he would do whatever she asked of him, in the hope that someday she would welcome him back into her heart.
Resolved, Inuyasha sprinted into the forest, following Kagome’s scent trail.
* * *
Kagome wandered numbly, guided only by the dappled light of the moon filtering through the canopy. Stumbling did not slow her, nor did the unseen branches which grabbed at her hair and clothing. Even the small insect sucking a meal from the back of her hand went unnoticed, so deep was her stupor. Dimly she mused that she had never been as shocked in her entire life as she was now. In all the hours since her departure from the bone eater’s well, it had never occurred to her that Inuyasha might have returned to the feudal era to see Kikyou. That was because the very idea was ridiculous, wasn’t it? She would have thought so before tonight. He fled because of his guilt and fear. His feelings for her hadn’t changed; his eyes told her as much. So then why had his expression contained so much shame when he confessed to meeting Kikyou? She already knew one reason—the dead miko now had the jewel shards. But under what circumstances did she come to possess them? Did Inuyasha give them to her or did Kikyou have to persuade him? Did it matter? Probably not, she mused. Relinquishing possession of the jewel shards did not explain his guilty demeanor a few minutes ago. When they finally became lovers, she never expected Inuyasha to stop seeing Kikyou altogether, and he knew it. She was an important part of his life, and Kagome understood that. So just meeting Kikyou did not explain his remorse either; there must be something more to it. She shuddered to think what that might be. Whatever it was, she knew she wasn’t going to like it.
But what was Inuyasha hiding? Had he and Kikyou kissed? Or in a moment of weakness had they done something more? Kagome shook her head violently. She knew Inuyasha had betrayed her trust in some way, but she was almost certain he hadn’t had sex with Kikyou. Still, it was within the realm of possibility, and that scared her. Part of her wanted to storm back and demand a straight answer out of him, but the more influential part at the moment was still reacting to the betrayal. So she continued to walk deeper into the woods, putting more distance between herself and the man she loved. The most infuriating part was that no matter what he did, that simple fact would never change. Forgiveness, however, was another thing entirely. She knew she would have to face him eventually, but right now she just wanted to be alone.
“Ah!” she cried as a particularly devious tree root caught her ankle and sent her sprawling face-first into an unfortunately placed mud puddle. She picked her head up, sputtering as she tried to wipe the sludge from her lips and eyes. Her hands were covered in muck as well, so she only succeeded in making it worse. Her frustration rapidly turned to anger at the man who had caused her to be in this position in the first place.
“Damn you, Inuyasha!” she yelled into the night. Then she laid her head on her folded arms, physically and emotionally drained. She was tired, plain and simple. And with no more resolve to hold them back, she finally allowed her persistent tears to fall.
* * *
Inuyasha froze at Kagome’s outburst, his ears drooping at the pain and fury he heard in her voice. She was just up ahead from the sound of it, so hopefully he could get to her before she cursed him again. What he actually found was totally unexpected—Kagome lying in a puddle of mud, crying softly to herself. His heart went out to her, and he almost felt like joining in. He sank to his knees, the resulting rustle audible to even his mate’s human ears. “Who’s there?” she asked, sitting up and turning to face him, though it was clear from her darting eyes that she couldn’t see him in the shadowy darkness. Her entire front was covered in black sludge, including her beautiful face. Her brown eyes nearly matched the color, startled but containing no fear. Already her hands glowed a faint pink, the mud doing little to conceal her miko power. It was time to make himself known.
“It’s just me, Kagome,” he said quietly. Her eyes showed relief for a moment, but then they hardened with hurt and betrayal.
“What do you want?” she grouched, folding her arms across her chest. Inuyasha grimaced, but said nothing. “Just…leave me alone, okay?” she muttered, more gently this time.
Inuyasha didn’t reply, and for a moment Kagome thought he had really left. That is, until strong arms scooped her up bridal style and carried her off in some unknown direction.
“Wh-what are you doing?!” she exclaimed, outraged by his boldness. “Let me go!”
“Shut up, Kagome! Let me take care of you.”
Kagome’s reply died on her lips as she heard the desperation in his tone. Sighing, she caved, squirming to get more comfortable in his hold. He shifted her closer to his chest, and she leaned her head against him. Closing her eyes, she could almost imagine that this was happening under more pleasant circumstances. She buried her wistful smile as soon as it appeared; memories of happier times had no place in her life right now.
Finally they came to a small forest stream, barely two feet wide but sufficient for their purposes. Inuyasha set her down, and she was leaning toward the water when his hands clasped her shoulders and pulled until she was lying on her back with her head in his lap. I guess he doesn’t intend to let me clean myself. She shrugged mentally; if Inuyasha wanted to pamper her, she wasn’t about to stop him. It was the least he could do, considering that he was the reason she was covered in mud in the first place. With that in mind, she tried not to enjoy the tender caress of his fingers as he washed first one hand then the other. It was a futile effort; she loved it when he touched her like this, even if there was nothing sexual behind it. She studied him as he frowned in concentration, so careful of his claws. His countenance no longer reflected guilt, though she could tell it was still there. Instead he appeared anxious, and she knew why; he had something to tell her. She closed her eyes and sighed, wishing to put that moment off for as long as possible. She almost wished she had never found out about his meeting with Kikyou.
Kagome gasped at the sensation of cool water sprinkling on her face, relaxing at the feel of the liquid running down her cheeks. Inuyasha continued to gently pour handfuls of water on her, and she nearly moaned at the soft caress of his hands massaging the dirt away. She could not prevent the small smile that snuck past her defenses and onto her lips. She allowed herself to be lulled close to blissful sleep, only rousing when the enchanting hand stopped moving and held its place on her cheek. She blinked her eyes open, gazing dazedly into those captivating golden orbs for a moment before reality crashed down upon her. She sat up quickly, scooting a few feet away, knowing the distance would help her regain her composure. Glancing over her shoulder, she saw him gazing at her longingly, and she turned away. Finally, she took a deep breath and spun to face him. He hadn’t budged since sitting down in that spot, and the only difference in his appearance was the rough, brown, semicircular stain on his pants where the mud from her face had washed onto. She felt a tiny twinge of guilt at the sight, but quickly dismissed it as ridiculous. There were much bigger things to worry about now than dirty clothes. Eventually she could take the silence no longer.
“Inuyasha…what happened with Kikyou?”
“I’ll tell you, but please, listen to everything I have to say before running away again.”
“Just tell me,” she demanded, unwilling to give any such guarantee. Inuyasha stared at her for a long moment, apparently deciding to proceed without it. He hesitated to gather his courage, then spoke.
“When I came back through the well, I knew I had to finish our mission to complete and purify the Shikon no Tama. I couldn’t let anyone like Naraku get a hold of it again. A few shards came my way because of weak youkai who were attracted to the chunk we gathered. But I knew I would never find them all that way. I needed someone who could sense the shards, and the only person I knew of besides you who can do that is Kikyou. I couldn’t keep them pure either. They were becoming more tainted every day. Then I ran into Kikyou, and she agreed to take the shards off my hands. I told her we could complete the jewel together, and then…and then I offered to join her in hell.”
Kagome bit her tongue to keep from making a sound. Her leg muscles were tensing to bring her to her feet when Inuyasha continued.
“It’s not what you think,” he hastened to add. “I…I couldn’t handle living without you. You weren’t even going to be born for another five hundred years! I couldn’t imagine living without you for a few years, let alone centuries. That’s the only reason I wanted to go to hell with Kikyou, and she knew it. She told me off, ordered me to go back to you. I almost did, too. But I thought I was protecting you by leaving you in your time. I know better now, but back then that thought was the only thing that kept me away. I also know that what I said to Kikyou was stupid, but I was looking for a way out of a long, lonely life. It wasn’t because my feelings for you had changed. I…I really do love you, Kagome. I hope you can forgive me,” he said, breaking eye contact and staring at the ground.
Kagome gazed at him blankly, her mind a frenzy of activity. Understanding slowly took the place of some of the hurt and betrayal, taking the edge off the pain without eliminating it completely. What would she have done in his situation, faced with the possibility of a lifespan of several hundred years without him? Well, until her mother ‘talked’ her out of it, she had spent three or four days lying in bed, refusing to go outside or even eat. So she knew full well the daunting prospect Inuyasha had faced. The difference was that the only escape for her was taking her own life, which she was unwilling to do for several reasons, not the least of which was her family. But Inuyasha had another way out, didn’t he? One that would allow him to die and to fulfill an old obligation in the process. Granted, Kikyou had released him from any such promise, but if he wasn’t going to live in the village with their friends, then what did Inuyasha have to live for?
Still, he had betrayed her, and it stung. Beyond the mere intimacy of the act of going to hell with Kikyou, if he did so, then it would probably destroy the possibility of them meeting in the afterlife. To her, being mated meant they were promised to each other for this life and the next. Though they had never talked about it, she had previously thought that Inuyasha shared that view. His offer to join Kikyou in hell seemed to disprove that assumption. But there was an explanation even for this nuance of the act. He probably thought I hated him for abandoning me, so why would my soul want to see his anyway? Kagome felt frustration bubble within her; a small part of her wanted to hate him for this. How could he ask her to forgive him so easily? She believed him about everything, and in a way that made it much more difficult. Because even though his feelings for her hadn’t changed, he had still abandoned her forever and proposed to die for the woman he used to love. When she thought about it like that, her anger nearly made her refuse his request. But she so wanted to pull their relationship back together, to live with him as before. And if she couldn’t forgive him for his transgressions and stupidity, then how could they ever move on with their lives?
“I can,” she finally whispered, her uncertainty causing a noticeable hitch in her voice. Inuyasha’s heart stopped; he barely even breathed as his eyes frantically searched Kagome’s face for any sign of untruthfulness. He saw no evidence of a lie, but there was doubt in her gaze, and it gave him pause. She was trying to forgive him, but was having trouble doing so. He didn’t blame her; he was simply ecstatic she was willing to try in the first place. It meant he had a chance to make things right again. Slowly, tentatively, he reached out and took her hand in his own, clutching it firmly as she flipped her hand over and reciprocated the gesture. They stared at each other for a long moment, expressions unreadable. Finally, a spark seemed to pass between them, and they lunged forward at once, each enfolding the other in a tight embrace. The next few minutes passed without comment as they silently renewed bonds, each taking comfort from the presence of the other, despite dark emotions lurking in the shadows.
Tears streamed slowly down Inuyasha’s cheeks; for him, this was a special moment. Kagome had weeks to prepare herself for seeing him again, but the suddenness of her appearance was finally catching up to him. Less than half a day ago, he had thought he would never see her again. Now he was holding her in his arms. He had his Kagome back. He was under no illusions that she didn’t still harbor some resentment toward him; she had ever right to. But if their love was as strong as he knew it to be, then they would get through this.
Finally they pulled away, each feeling tentative happiness curl their lips in small smiles. Suddenly Kagome heaved a cavernous yawn. Recovered, she blinked tiredly, the stress and lateness of the evening finally catching up with her human body. Inuyasha pulled her to sit in his lap, and Kagome settled easily against his chest, too exhausted to feel uncomfortable with the arrangements.
“Go to sleep, Kagome,” he ordered, the words sounding strange because of his painfully dry mouth.
“Mmmm…g’night,” she mumbled. He didn’t reply, and within minutes her breathing had slowed and evened out, signifying her slumber. Inuyasha stayed awake long into the night, watching over her and trying to convince himself this wasn’t a dream.
* * *
Inuyasha woke to the shrill call of a bird overheard. He blinked the sleep out of his eyes and looked around. It was early morning, just after dawn by the amount of light filtering through the trees. Kagome snored softly in his lap, appearing as if she hadn’t moved all night. He wasn’t surprised; yesterday had been hard on her, and the bump on her head was still clearly noticeable. He would let her sleep as long as she wanted. She was still human, which would make it more difficult for the birds to wake her. He frowned; why was she human in the first place? It seemed like an incredible coincidence for her human time to come last night, when she actually needed to be human. Perhaps the barrier was the cause, as Mount Hakurei’s barrier had purified him? But what about her miko powers? Wouldn’t they make a difference? He shrugged, deciding he would get his answers when Kagome woke up. He gingerly turned his back to the rising sun, using his shadow to keep the light out of her eyes. It was much later in the morning, close to noon in fact, when Kagome finally stirred. Inuyasha had slipped into a light doze, and opened his eyes to find her yawning and gazing groggily around in confusion for a moment. Then her recollection of the evening returned, and she glanced up at him. She scrambled out of his lap and he let her go. They stared at each other, and Kagome let out a nervous chuckle, thoroughly embarrassed by her reaction to their proximity. Where the hell did that come from? I had no problem falling asleep on top of him last night. But then again, she probably could have slipped into slumber in the middle of an earthquake last night. Damn, I slept really late. I guess I needed it.
“Thank you,” she choked out suddenly, “for letting me sleep.”
“Y-you’re welcome,” Inuyasha replied, almost startled that one of them had broken the silence. Kagome grimaced as she tried to stand, feeling the effects of sleeping in a curled up position all night. Kneeling, she raised her hands above her head and arched her back, extending cramped and stubborn muscles. Inuyasha observed her lithe form with some interest. Even as a human, she still stretches like a cat. He looked away; the last thing he wanted to do right now was ogle her. Not that anything sexual had crossed his mind, but that was no surprise considering the difficulties they were going through. She was still beautiful in his eyes, even though his body wasn’t currently reacting to her. He was sure his libido would return eventually. Still, it was a little disconcerting. Glancing up when he heard her rise, he noticed something he had forgotten about.
“Kagome.” “Inuyasha.”
Uncomfortable smiles followed their simultaneous utterances.
“What is it, Kagome?”
“No, you first.”
“Uh, I was just gonna suggest you go wash your clothes in the stream.”
“Oh, that’s what I was going to say too!” she exclaimed, laughing again. Inuyasha flinched at the sound, forced and anxious. “You should clean off your hakama. Sorry I got dirt on it.”
“Don’t worry about it. My fault.”
“Okay…so, I’m gonna go!” Kagome declared, dashing off toward the stream. Inuyasha breathed a sigh of relief when she was gone. Where had this unbearable tension between them come from? Faint splashing snapped him out of his musings, and he started walking toward the stream—a good distance upstream from Kagome. For whatever reason, he didn’t particularly want to see her sans clothing right now. He removed and washed his hakama, then decided his haori could use a wash too, since some of Kagome’s mud had rubbed off on it during the night. Some dirt had gotten through the slits onto his kosode, so he removed that as well. He was just shrugging his haori back on, both of his tops still hanging open, when a faint rustle caused him to turn to his right.
Kagome was about to apologize for startling him when she caught sight of his muscular torso through the opening in his tops. She stared, more out of surprise than anything else. There was no familiar spark, no wave of attraction, no temptation to reach out and touch that gleaming skin. It was worrisome, but not surprising how disturbingly easy it was for her to look away. Finally she heard Inuyasha tying his robes and moving up the bank toward her. The male hanyou surreptitiously sampled her scent, both troubled and relieved to find it as muddled as his own. At least he wasn’t the only one feeling strange this morning.
“Do you wanna go back to the village?” he asked.
“Oh…yeah.”
He nodded, using the position of the sun to gauge the approximate direction, then set off at a pace his human mate would have no problem keeping. It occurred to him that it would be much faster if he carried her, but he wasn’t about to offer his back, not with how the morning had gone. Unbeknownst to either party, Kagome felt the same way, relieved that Inuyasha didn’t ask her if she wanted a ride. And more than a little frightened that she felt that way. She followed a few feet behind the hanyou, content to let him lead as he probably knew where he was going better than she did. As morning slowly passed into afternoon, she tried to rationalize the sudden awkwardness between them. Their relationship had been through several major trials; lingering guilt and abandonment issues still hung in the air. On top of that, they had lost a child. In the excitement of the past couple weeks, it had been easy to forget that fact, but now it was all she could think about. Was it any surprise that it would take time for them to recover? She prayed time was all they needed.
Around mid-afternoon, her body suddenly erupted in tingling, signaling the long-awaited return of her youkai side. Kagome smiled sincerely for the first time all day, enjoying her heightened senses. Though they no longer seemed heightened; instead, her human senses—if you could call them that—seemed pathetically dulled. She had truly adapted to her new body. Glancing over at Inuyasha, she spied him grinning at her. He was glad she had changed back as well. For a moment she considered grabbing his hand and walking beside him, but decided against it. It was far easier to maintain the imperceptible distance than to try to close it.
Neither spoke until the evening, and by then the silence was starting to wear on them both. They were concerned about the uneasy turn of their relationship, but neither knew how to fix it. Leaving it—and each other—alone seemed to be the only option. They hoped that the proverb “time heals all wounds” was true. As dusk approached, they stopped and Kagome set up a small fire. Inuyasha caught a squirrel; the meal was barely enough to take the edge off their hunger, but neither of them complained. Perhaps they would have gone to bed without a word, but the small matter of sleeping arrangements needed to be decided. They delayed talking about it for as long as they could, each staring into the fire rather than speaking to the other. Finally, Inuyasha rose to his feet and cleared his throat.
“I should sleep in the tree. There’re only two sets of ears and noses, so it would be risky to let our guard down,” he said in a flat monotone, as if he had been rehearsing the statement for some time.
“Okay,” Kagome replied, settling down by the fire as Inuyasha leapt into a low-hanging branch. She resumed gazing into the flames, but not really seeing them. Inuyasha’s reasoning made perfect sense, but she knew the real reason he didn’t want to sleep by her side. She knew because she felt the same hesitation in that regard. Far from being upset, she was relieved at the new sleeping arrangements. And that was perhaps the most frightening thing of all.
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